Work Text:
~
Aleks knew that he was different.
He was only six years old, but he knew that he wasn’t like the other children in his class.
They were different to him. Their uniform was new; their hair was clean. They smiled. They laughed. They were loved.
But Aleks…Aleks had nothing.
He was nothing.
His uniform was always rumpled and covered in stains, and his ribs protruded through his thin shirt. His hair was unkempt, and smudges of dirt permanently littered his skin.
He didn’t mind being different. He knew that his life was never going to be like theirs…but the other children hated him for it.
Every day, his classmates would taunt him on the playground, away from the watchful gaze of their teachers.
This recess was no different. The usual circle of bullies had him surrounded, and Aleks pressed himself up against the wall, hands clamped over his ears to block out their stinging words.
But it didn’t work, and their insults managed to pierce through.
“Do you even shower Aleks? You stink!”
“My dad says that your parents are dirty, evil people.”
“You’re so ugly. I bet you have nits!”
Aleks closed his eyes, desperately trying not to cry. His mom always hit him when he cried, and he didn’t want to get hurt again.
“Leave Aleks alone!”
A new voice had joined the crowd, one that Aleks didn’t recognise. Warily, he opened his eyes, blinking away his tears to see James Wilson standing protectively in front of him.
James was in the grade above Aleks’s, one of the popular kids, and Aleks was surprised to see him leaping to his defence.
So were the other children. The bullies hastily backed away, leaving James and Aleks alone.
“Are you okay?” James asked, peering down to look Aleks in the eye.
Aleks didn’t shrink away from the proximity, and he grasped James’s outstretched hand tentatively. He nodded, too shy to speak, and he felt James squeeze his fingers gently.
“My mom said that I should always help other children.” James said earnestly, beginning to lead Aleks towards an empty bench. “You can eat lunch with me and my friends today. We’ll look after you.”
“I don’t have lunch.” Aleks whispered, staring down at the ground. His mom often forgot to give him food to take to school, and he was too scared to pack his own lunch. The last time he’d been caught raiding the fridge, his father had locked him in his bedroom for the entire night.
“It’s okay. You can share mine.” James said breezily. “My mom gives me too much food anyways.”
Aleks glanced up, dazed by the offer, feeling even more bewildered when he saw James’s bright smile, aimed only at him.
~
At lunchtime, Aleks waited for James to suddenly change, to turn on him like all of the other children had, but he didn’t. He showed him nothing but kindness; babbling to him happily about random things and dividing up his lunch equally so that Aleks had as much to eat as him. He also continued to smile at him, as if Aleks wasn’t a freak.
They were forced apart in the afternoon, being in different grades, but that was okay. The memory of lunchtime was enough to paint a small smile on Aleks’s face, and he endured the rest of his lessons until the bell rang.
But seeing his mother waiting for him at the school gate, swaying unsteadily on her feet, caused Aleks’s mood to plummet.
He glanced over to the other side of the playground, and spotted James hurtling towards his mom, throwing his arms around her when he reached her side. Both were laughing, an unfamiliar sound to Aleks, and he looked back at his own mom, who was now glaring at him.
He trudged over to her, dragging his feet across the concrete in his reluctance to join her.
“Aleks, wait up!”
Hearing his new friend’s voice, Aleks immediately cheered up. He turned, seeing James walking towards him, clutching his mom’s hand.
“My mom wants to talk to your mom.” He told him, capturing Aleks’s hand in his.
“Hello Aleks.” James’s mom’s voice was warm, and Aleks blinked up at her. “It’s lovely to meet you.”
Aleks managed to give her a small wave, his cheeks flushing pink as his shyness once again rendered him speechless, and James laughed.
Both boys tuned out as the two adults conversed, bored by a conversation that they didn’t understand, and they began to play rock, paper, scissors to pass the time.
And then Aleks’s mom abruptly bid him goodbye, and Aleks suddenly found himself in James’s mom’s car, James sliding into the backseat beside him.
Then he was at James’s house, and he was cooked a warm meal; his first in a long time. He was even allowed to have a bath, and he was given a pair of James’s pyjamas to change into whilst his uniform was washed.
Aleks wondered if he was dreaming, and he had to keep pinching himself whilst he played with James. He kept waiting for his parents to spoil the evening, to burst in and take him home, but they never did.
When the sky darkened and the boys began to yawn, James’s mom tucked them into James’s bed and read them a story. James curled his arm around Aleks’s shoulders, holding him like a big brother would, and Aleks had never felt so safe, so loved.
~O~
The playdates continued. Every day for the next few weeks, James’s mom picked Aleks up from school and took him home with her. Aleks didn’t understand why, but he didn’t care. He loved James, he loved James’s parents, and he never wanted to leave.
One evening, James decided to spy on his parents, and he asked Aleks to join him on his adventure. Aleks didn’t want to but he didn’t really have a choice. He didn’t want to upset his new brother so he took his hand, allowing James to take the lead.
They crept downstairs, towards the living room where James’s parents were holed up. The door was closed but their voices were loud enough for the boys to hear their conversation.
“I can’t call the police. Aleks will get lost in the system like all the children his age do. I can’t let that happen.”
Aleks froze when he heard his name, realising that James’s mom was talking about him. James was also quiet, quickly realising that his spying idea wasn’t a good one.
“Then what are we supposed to do Bethan?”
“We do our best, that’s what. We clothe him, we feed him, and we love him.”
“We can’t adopt him.”
“I know that!” James’s mom snapped, and Aleks flinched. She sounded angry, and Aleks knew what that meant.
It meant he was going to get hurt.
He clutched James’s hand tighter, feeling his eyes fill with tears.
“We’ll treat him like he’s our own. I don’t want Aleks to get taken away.”
Suddenly James burst into action beside him, and he threw open the door, abruptly halting his parents’ conversation. “You can’t!” He cried, his lower lip jutting out. “You can’t take Aleks away from me!”
He was also on the verge of tears, and Aleks clung to him, seeking his comfort. He didn’t understand what was happening but he was scared. He hid his face in James’s shoulder, trembling.
“Oh baby.” He heard James’s mom whisper. “Aleks isn’t going anywhere, I promise.”
Aleks heard the words, but didn’t trust them. Adults lied all of the time.
~O~
But James’s mom hadn’t lied.
After that day, Aleks became a permanent fixture in the Wilson household, truly becoming part of the family. James’s home was his home, and he spent more time there than at his own house.
It had taken Aleks a long time to trust James’s parents, but it was worth it. Bethan and Richard were his real parents; they treated him like a son, and they gave him the love and affection that he’d been deprived of for so long.
He also had a brother, something that he’d always wanted. He bickered and fought with James a lot, but they bonded through their mutual love of games and television. The two were as thick as thieves, unable to be separated. James’s bedroom was his too until Bethan said that they were getting too old to share a bed. She’d renovated her office the day after, and Aleks officially moved in.
For many years, Aleks’s life was great. He finally had a family, and he truly couldn’t wish for anything else.
Until he turned seventeen years old, and realised that he was head over heels in love with the guy that he called his brother.
He immediately stopped referring to James as such, but he had no idea what else to do. He may have been shown love by James’s family, but he was still scared of it, still haunted by his traumatic past.
~
When James turned 18, there was suddenly a distance between them that hadn’t existed before. James began to avoid him, holing himself up in his room to study for his finals, and he went out with his friends without inviting Aleks to join them.
Aleks wondered if James had discovered his feelings, but dismissed that notion when Bethan told him that James was thinking of the future, sacrificing his time with Aleks to focus on his studies.
Of course Aleks understood…but he wasn’t happy about it.
~O~
After three weeks of not spending any time alone with James, Aleks decided to do something about it. He didn’t allow his shyness to hinder him for once, and he stormed into James’s room, not bothering to announce himself.
James jumped at the sudden interruption, glancing up warily. “What’s up?” He asked, quickly averting his eyes back to the college brochure in his hand as Aleks towered over him.
“I’m bored.” Aleks stated, folding his arms across his chest. “We haven’t hung out in ages. Can we go and see a movie, or something?”
“I’m busy.” James muttered, eyes glued to his brochure. “Maybe later.”
Aleks knew that he didn’t mean it. He’d heard that excuse before. “No. Now.” He emphasised his determination by ripping the brochure out of James’s grasp, dancing out of reach when James immediately lunged at him.
“You motherfucker.” James fumed, his eyes alight with fury, annoyed by Aleks’s childish act. “Give it back!”
“Make me!” Aleks taunted, slipping back into their younger selves’ routine as he waved the brochure under James’s nose teasingly.
James took the bait. He dove at him, and Aleks’s back hit the mattress as James loomed over him, pinning him to the bed under his weight. Aleks relinquished his hold on the brochure to wrestle him, in an attempt to gain the upper hand, but he was powerless. James was too strong.
They’d done this all of the time as kids, play fighting to resolve an argument, but Aleks quickly realised that this was nothing like what they’d done in the past.
Both were breathing heavily, their faces merely inches apart as Aleks stopped struggling, no longer wanting to break free from James’s hold. He gazed up at him, feeling his cheeks flush when he realised how close James’s lips were to his.
All he had to do was tilt his head, and they’d be kissing. Aleks wanted it; wanted him. He wanted to know what his lips felt like, what he tasted like.
How could something so wrong, feel so right?
Suddenly James tore himself away, his face scarlet as he scrambled off of the bed. “Get the fuck out Aleks.” He hissed, reaching for his crumpled brochure. “I need to concentrate.”
Aleks didn’t argue. He bolted out of the room without a backwards glance in James’s direction, more confused than ever before.
~
Aleks didn’t see James until dinner, later that night.
He kept his eyes glued to his plate when James eventually sat down at the table, unable to meet his gaze after what had happened between them earlier. He was scared; fearful that he’d see James looking at him with disgust, repulsed by the mere sight of him.
He wouldn’t blame him for feeling that way. Aleks knew that he didn’t deserve James’s affection. Why would he? He was nothing.
He was abruptly drawn out of his spiralling thoughts when James told his family that he had an announcement to make.
What Aleks heard next absolutely devastated him.
James had finally picked a college to apply to…and it was over two thousand miles away.
His news just confirmed what Aleks had known all along: he wasn’t enough to make James stay.
He wasn’t good enough for him, and he never would be.
His eyes began to burn with hot tears and he fixed his gaze on his untouched dinner, knowing that he would break down if he even so much as glanced in James’s direction.
He distantly heard Bethan and Richard questioning James about the college he’d chosen, but he was numb to their conversation.
He was broken, again, unable to imagine a life without James in it.
He wanted to excuse himself, so that he could lock himself in his room and wallow in his misery, but he was an obedient son. He didn’t want to upset James’s parents by leaving the dinner table before the meal was over.
So he stayed silent, nodding his head occasionally, pretending to be part of the discussion. His heart pounded furiously, blocking out the hum of James’s voice as his pulse reverberated in his ears, blood rushing to his head. He felt ill, sick with fear and grief.
Suddenly, a comforting hand on his shoulder forced him out of his reverie.
Aleks started, blinking up at Bethan as she hovered over him.
He was relieved when he realised that they were alone, and he agreed to help her wash the dishes, dutifully following her into the kitchen.
He grabbed a dishcloth, glad of the distraction – only to frown in confusion when Bethan shut the door behind them. She made no move towards the sink, and Aleks immediately suspected an ulterior motive as she studied him, her eyes narrowing when she noticed his red-rimmed eyes and pale complexion.
“You look just as miserable as James does.” She remarked suddenly, and Aleks flinched at the mention of his name. “I think you need to talk to him. Tell him that he shouldn’t go to the college in Florida.”
Aleks shrugged his shoulders, trying desperately to conceal his simmering panic through his nonchalant façade. The attentive gaze of his adoptive mother unnerved the hell out of him, and he could only pray that she hadn’t discovered his feelings for James.
“Give my son a reason to stay.”
Her voice was gentle, her words lined with sympathy, and Aleks felt his fingers begin to shake. He tightened his grasp on the dishcloth, balling his hands into fists, his knuckles whitening from the exertion of force.
She knew.
“Why?” Aleks asked quietly, maintaining his pretence for a little bit longer. He wasn’t going to admit anything until she confronted him.
“I’m not blind honey.” Bethan said softly. “I see the way you look at James. I know love when I see it.”
Aleks wanted to deny it, to play it off as brotherly affection, but something in Bethan’s expression made him stay silent.
“I may have raised you as brothers, but you’re not. You deserve happiness, and so does James. I think you’ll find it…together.”
Aleks’s composure finally shattered, Bethan’s sincerity destroying the barrier that he’d clamped his feelings behind. All of his repressed emotion flooded to the surface, and it was both liberating and terrifying. “James doesn’t feel that way about me.” He whispered, his voice hoarse with heartache.
Bethan shook her head, in clear disagreement. “Aleks, I’ve had this conversation with him too.” She then muttered something about her sons and their stubborn streak but Aleks didn’t catch her exact words, his head reeling from her admission.
She couldn’t be telling the truth. James returning his love was impossible.
“But I’m not lovable.”
There it was. Aleks’s worst fear, the hidden agony that had haunted him since he was neglected by his biological parents, laid bare for the first time.
“Don’t you dare say that again Aleksandr!” Bethan’s words were fierce, but her embrace erased their sting as she drew Aleks into her arms. “My son would be lucky to have you.”
Aleks stiffened at the contact, still unused to motherly love, even after all this time. He forced himself to relax, cautiously wrapping his arms around her, returning the hug.
He felt Bethan kiss the top of his head, and she pulled back to look at him sternly. “Go and get him.”
Aleks hesitated. Admitting his feelings aloud was one thing but confessing them to James was something different altogether. He wasn’t ready…and he knew James wouldn’t be either. He didn’t want to be a burden to him, again.
“So help me God, I will sit you both down for a talk.” It was a threat, and one that Aleks didn’t take lightly.
The last time Bethan had given a ‘talk’, it had been about sex. Aleks and James had been scarred for life, unable to look each other in the eye for weeks.
He quickly scarpered, throwing open the kitchen door to make his way towards James’s bedroom. He raced up the staircase, taking the steps two at a time in his haste to get to him. If James had to find out about his feelings, Aleks would rather be the one to tell him.
He could handle the rejection…he was used to it.
He paused outside of James’s door, steeling himself. His hand shook as he reached for the handle, and he opened the door slowly, his nerves fraying.
James was seated at his desk, and Aleks caught a glimpse of his laptop screen. To his horror, he was only a couple of boxes away from completing the college application form for Florida.
“Stop!” Aleks cried, his alarm propelling him into the room. “Don’t go!”
James jumped at the interruption, turning in his chair to glance up at him, bemused. His bewilderment quickly turned to anger when Aleks slammed the lid of his laptop down, shutting it off. “What the fuck are you doing?!” He demanded, glaring up at him.
“Don’t go to college.”
James’s face clouded with confusion, startled by the admission, and Aleks hastily continued. “That’s not what I meant. Go to college, but don’t move away. The University of Colorado is just as good as the one in Florida. You don’t need to travel that far to get a good education.”
His reasons were weak, and weren’t the words that Aleks had meant to say, his fear still crippling him.
James didn’t look convinced, and he looked set to say something, ready to brush off the comments.
But Aleks didn’t give him the opportunity to. “Don’t leave me.” He pleaded, his desperation and panic forcing him to confess, working as a catalyst against him.
“You want…you want me to stay?” It was a question, and James’s voice wavered as he asked it, gazing up at him uncertainly. “Why?”
Aleks was helpless, unable to withhold the words that swiftly spilled from his lips. “Because I’m in love with you.”
James froze.
Silence.
A clear rejection.
Aleks was motionless, his breathing growing shallower as James stared up at him. He clenched his hands into fists, trying his best to hide the tremor of his fingers.
His vision began to darken, the walls began to close in…and Aleks could feel invisible hands clawing at his neck, choking him. “Oh God.” He gasped, backing away from James. “I’m sorry.” His heart was pounding violently, his stomach lurched, and he honestly wanted to cry as his panic attack began to break him.
I’m not good enough…I’ll never be good enough.
“Shut the fuck up.” James’s sharp voice sliced through the haze, and Aleks blinked, startled by the sound. He hadn’t realised he’d said that aloud.
He felt his face pale, and he had to reach out and grasp the corner of James’s dresser to keep himself upright, his shame triggering another wave of anxiety.
Then James’s face swam into view, his dark eyes shining with tears. “You are everything to me.” He whispered, and he placed his arms around Aleks’s trembling form, drawing him into his arms.
Aleks could hardly believe that this was happening, but he was grateful for it.
James was the only person who could stop him from drowning in his self-loathing, and Aleks quickly seized the opportunity to latch on to him. He fisted his hands in the back of James’s shirt, burying his face in the crook of his neck, anchoring them together.
He felt James run his fingers gently through his hair, soothing him with his touch, and Aleks nestled into him, closing his eyes.
Eventually his breathing returned to normal, James’s tenderness extinguishing his panic attack, and Aleks lifted his head to meet his eyes, knowing that he couldn’t hide in his arms forever.
He felt his cheeks flush with colour when he saw James’s unwavering, devoted gaze, and he lowered his eyes to the soft curve of James’s mouth.
They were in close proximity again, their lips only inches apart – but this time, neither of them pulled away.
There was a slight pause, both of them taking a moment to consider the implications of what was about to happen. They were about to cross a line, and there was no coming back from this.
Neither James nor Aleks cared though. They both knew what they wanted.
When James finally kissed him, Aleks realised then that he had nothing to worry about.
There was no uncertainty, no holding back. James kissed him adoringly, the passion of his kiss instantly revealing the depth of his own feelings, and Aleks was overwhelmed.
But not dazed enough to freeze up completely.
He surged forward, chasing James’s lips again when he pulled back for air, unwilling to let him go.
They’d already been apart for too long.
~O~
When Bethan saw James and Aleks later that evening, their faces glowing with happiness and their hands linked, she felt like she was going to burst with pride.
She shared a beaming smile with her husband as she approached her sons, and she threw her arms around them. “About damn time.” She exclaimed, laughing when both boys batted her away, their cheeks pink with embarrassment.