Work Text:
Ronald Weasley didn't know what to expect when he walked into Transfiguration that morning. Not that he ever really knew what to expect by the day- Hermione was champion of checking the syllabus not him- but today certainly was an outlier of the norm.
He'd anticipated Professor McGonagall to be waiting behind her desk, a grey pointed eyebrow rising incrementally upon every student that arrived just a little late. Perhaps her wand already out and random objects on the desks that they would be attempting to transfigure that day. That was how it usually went.
That was not how it was going.
Professor McGonagall was not, in fact, at her desk. Instead, the space was taken up by some swamp green cloth… thing bobbing along with its hand(?) raised over a book (was that a stick supporting it?) and small round reading glasses perched a bit precariously on its face.
"Welcome! Sit down, sit down!" The thing greeted cheerily, bobbing its body a little faster and waving at the few remaining empty desks. Ron turned to share a look with Harry. But it failed, because Harry was already sharing a look with Hermione. Hermione, who for once, looked flabbergasted.
Good, he wasn't the only one not in the know then.
They sat down at their usual desks, a little too stunned to speak. Their other classmates, too, seemed equally confused.
"Mm. Is everyone here? I hope everyone is here! Welcome!" The creature(?) made a show of peeping over the roll call list but didn't actually use it. Just checked the desks to make sure each one had a student. "Wonderful! Miss McGonagall is out today, so I will be your substitute teacher. I am Kermit the Frog!"
Frog?
Ron made a face. There was nothing froglike about this thing at all! Sure it was green, but that was where the resemblance ended. There was no slime, no pustules or lumps or bumps, and its eyes were perched on top of its head like some sort of deranged sock puppet, not a living creature! No, there was nothing organic about it (Hermione would be so proud of him for using such a big word, so he made sure to whisper this opinion in her ear.)
"He's a muppet," she whispered in response.
"What in the bloody hell is a muppet?" He muttered back incredulously.
"Who's holding it?" Harry wondered. And Ron didn't know what that was supposed to mean either.
"Excuse me," Some other student's hand shot in the air, "But what are you?"
"I'm a frog!" The muppet re-explained unhelpfully. "And your substitute teacher. Em… this is transfiguration, right?" At everyone's dubious nods, it bobbed enthusiastically. "Excellent! Then I suppose I'd better find some things for you all to transfigure… you should all be learning how to do food today! I know a Swedish chef, but he should not be teaching this class. Ha ha!"
Nobody else laughed.
The frog-muppet started rifling through Professor Mcgonagall's many drawers, 'hmm'ing and 'haaw'ing at whatever it found. Finally, it opened some drawer nearby where the professor usually kept her cage of mice and gasped.
"Oh dear. I’m feeling a little green. I guess I'm always green. But this won’t do. Not at all!"
Professor Kermit pulled the drawer all the way out and set it on the desk. There's a few small ribbit s. A tiny, real frog hopped out of its recently freed containment.
"My brethren in captivity!" The muppet covered its bulbous eyes despairingly and shook its head.
"We usually turn those into matches and teacups…" some student in the front offered.
"Teacups and matches!" Kermit scrunkled its face into some sort of funny looking frown. "This won't do, not at all! Class, they must be taken outside and freed by the pond! This is your assignment for the day."
An almost-free class period because of frogs? Well, Ron wasn't going to complain. He joined the throng of confused students coming up to catch loose frogs and secure the drawer.
"Go! Go! We must get them outside!" The Muppet encouraged, weaving back and forth uselessly still behind the desk. Its fingers didn't appear to be opposable.
Students started to file out one by one, hands cupped with croaking amphibians ("Eew! It peed on me!" someone complained).
Then there was a knocking at the window, and everyone froze.
Now, things knocking against windows wasn't an unheard of occurrence, even though this was the fifth floor. Things happen. Stuff gets thrown. People play pranks. No, it wasn't the sound that made everyone fall silent in flabbergastion. It was what made the sound that did it.
Ron's initial thought was that it was Dudley Dursley.
Harry had always described his unfortunate cousin as a "pig in a wig," but Ron hadn't thought he'd meant it quite so literally as this. For one, the pig was hardly even a quarter of the size of what Harry's cousin had been described to be. Secondly, between the wig and the eyelashes and the clothes, it was most decidedly a female pig and not something at all that some bully of a gang cousin would likely be caught dead in.
Thirdly, this… thing in the window was definitely another one of those… Muppets.
"Kermit, dear!" She screamed, not sounding very endearing at all, "I see you in there! I found you!" She yanked the window open.
"Oh dear, um! Ms. Piggy, now is not a very good time!"
"I want to know what you are doing here! Receiving mysterious letters from some woman, disappearing without saying anything to me! Is this her office?! Why does it smell like perfume?"
"Fifth year was doing roses yesterday," Parvati explains helpfully.
"You brought roses?! The debauchery! The adultery! KERMIT!"
"Ms. Piggy, it's not what you think! I don't have any roses! I'm just teaching class!" Kermit bobbles over to the window, arms waving in the air.
"How dare you!"
It's without fanfare how the apparently named Ms. Piggy grabbed Kermit by the shoulders, yelling various insinuations and bobbing around dramatically while Kermit unsuccessfully tried to calm her down. Every student stood frozen, watching the domestic dispute.
"It's just unfair!" she finally warbled, "You could have been having a date with me today! The least you could do is give me a kiss!"
Ron didn't know how two pieces of overly-dramatic cloth could kiss, and he didn't get to find out. Ms. Piggy dragged the hapless frog closer, making an "Mmmmmm!" noise while she was at it, and Kermit yelped as the momentum carried his top-heavy self over the ledge and out the window. Both of them screamed and disappeared from sight as they fell. Apparently, whatever flying powers Ms. Piggy had did not account for extra weight. Well, that ruled out a broom. Kermit did not come back. The classroom went quiet except for the quiet chirping of real amphibians.
"...Well," Harry finally said, "I guess we should take these frogs outside then?"
"Yeah," Ron agreed, shrugging in defeat. He'd take a class hour by the lake outside than in some stuffy classroom any day.
Nobody had any objections.