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Felix is startled awake by a loud noise. He gasps, eyes burning as he tries to unglue them open and figure out what’s happening. His body reacts before his brain can catch up, already sitting in the bed. He blinks a few times and sees Chan is also sitting up, shoulders rising and falling with each hurried breath he takes.
“What? What? Are you okay?” Felix turns on the lamp on his nightstand and grabs his naked arm, squeezing. “Channie?”
Is he having a heart attack? An asthma attack? He doesn’t even have asthma, as far as Felix knows.
“Sorry.” Chan says, swallowing around the words, still breathless. He holds onto Felix’s wrist. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” he shifts closer, kissing his shoulder. Chan likes to sleep shirtless and he’s currently covered in a layer of sweat. Felix kisses him again, hoping to soothe him. “Nightmare? Or a heart attack?”
Chan chuckles, which Felix takes as a win. “Nightmare. Just a nightmare. No heart attack.” He presses his hand to his chest. “At least I hope not.”
Felix laughs with him. “It would take you out by now, I think. My money’s on the nightmare.”
Chan lets his head fall to the side, pressing against Felix’s. “Sorry I woke you up.”
He mentioned getting nightmares sometimes, in passing. Said he had trouble sleeping in general sometimes, worse during the summer. Bursts of insomnia and irregular sleep schedules. Felix has slept over at Chan’s place a few times, but this was Chan’s first time sleeping at Felix’s apartment. They’ve only been going out for about two months. Maybe it’s the change of space, different bed, different pillow. Maybe his body is just not used to it.
“All good.” Felix strokes his arm. “You’re still shaking.” He looks at him. Chan’s eyes are closed, still trying to stabilize his breathing. “Want me to get you some water?” he goes to get up, but Chan squeezes his wrist again to keep him on the bed.
“Don’t leave.”
Felix blinks. He feels warm all over, protective and soft at the edges. It’s only been two months, but his heart is held in this man’s hand and he’s so painfully fond of Chan, of every little thing he does, everything he says and how he says it. He likes him so much. It would be concerning if he wasn’t sure Chan was on a similar level of intensity.
“Okay.” Felix nods, on his knees. “Okay, no leaving. I’m here. You want me too—here, tell me if this is making it worse or better, okay?”
He swings one leg over Chan’s thighs and sits on his lap, wrapping them around Chan’s waist. He holds him close and tight, rubbing his back, one hand in his curls. Chan immediately hugs him back, his face buried in Felix’s neck, still trembling a little.
“Better.” He murmurs.
“Good. Good.”
Felix hasn’t had a nightmare since he was a teenager, he thinks. At least not a very memorable one. But he figures he’d like to be held. So he presses their bodies together, almost crushing Chan, who doesn’t protest, just does the same. Maybe the pressure helps ground him, gets him out of his brain and back into his body.
“I’m here.” Felix says as he plays with the hair at Chan’s nape, kissing the top of his head. “I’m here, you’re all good. You’re safe, it’s all good. It was just a dream. Juuuuust a dream, Chris.”
He knows Chan is bad at letting people take care of him, usually. He assumes that role in friendships and intimate relationships, especially if the person is younger than him. Felix can relate, to an extent. He really likes taking care of people too. Being there for them. But he knows he craves it back, so he knows Chan must too, even if he’d rather die than say it. That’s okay, he intends to be Chan’s little keeper, meet his stubbornness with his own, be that person for him no matter if Chan allows it or not.
“Thank you.” Chan whispers into Felix’s neck, hot breath tickling him. “God, that was intense.”
“It’s okay.” Felix strokes his shoulder. “It’s over now. You’re good.”
Chan separates from him, hands on Felix’s waist to look up at him properly. “Thank you. I’m sorry if I scared you.”
He shrugs. “Only for a second. But that’s okay. Stop apologizing. Nightmare is far better than a heart attack. Though, I’m sad you had to experience it.”
“It happens.” He sighs, blinking his pretty eyes at Felix.
Felix scrunches his nose at him and traces Chan’s own, smiling when he nuzzles into his palm. “You feeling better? Want me to get you water?”
“I’m good. Thank you, cutie. No need.”
“Good. You think you wanna try to get some more sleep?”
Chan looks a little sheepish, looking away. “Um, I—Well, I usually can’t, like—right away. After I wake up. Sorry, I just… it’s silly.”
“It’s not silly.” Felix pouts at him. He plays with a curl above Chan’s eyebrow. “It’s understandable. I mean, I know you said you don’t wanna tell me what they’re about yet, but I can imagine it’s a lot. No one wants to sleep after a nightmare, I just thought I’d offer because I know it can’t be easy for you to fall back asleep. But it’s not silly, I promise.”
Chan wets his lips and keeps his hands on Felix’s body. “Feels silly. And a little childish.”
“Well, I’m telling you it’s not, so.” He plants a loud kiss on Chan’s forehead. “We don’t have to sleep.”
“Oh, no, no. You can sleep.” He insists. “You can sleep, baby, it’s—it’s not even light out yet, it must be the middle of the night. It’s okay.”
“And let you stay up by yourself?”
“Seriously, I can just—I can play some Genshin or I can go home! Really, it’s not a big deal. I can drive home and let you sleep. You have work tomorrow.”
“Afternoon shift. I’m not letting you stay up by yourself. And I’m definitely not letting you drive home, Chris, come on. Besides, I got enough sleep. I’m not sleepy anymore.”
Chan pouts at him again. It’s devastating, but Felix will not be disarmed. He invented that manipulation technique. He rolls his eyes and holds Chan by his cheeks, squeezing gently, before he connects their lips. It’s just for a second, to feel the plush give of Chan’s pretty mouth, before he pulls back and waits until he looks at him again.
“Don’t feel bad. Get up. We should make cookies.”
“Cookies?” Chan says in English, in a high pitched, surprised tone. Felix pulls him up.
//
“I can’t believe we are making your infamous chocolate chip cookies at 4am for the first time. This is supposed to be special.” Chan pouts.
“It is special.” Felix smiles at him. “Pass me the brown sugar, please.” He adds it to the butter and white sugar and hands the bowl to Chan. “Now, you mix a bit. Then we add an egg and some vanilla extract. Then you mix some more.” He kisses his cheek.
Chan is a sight any day, anywhere, but seeing him like this unlocks something in Felix. In just his black shorts, hair messy and face still a little swollen with sleep, in Felix’s kitchen, mixing the ingredients in the middle of the night. Felix leans on the kitchen counter and keeps looking, overcome with so many feelings.
“Am I doing it wrong?” Chan blinks.
“Huh?” Felix snaps back into reality. “Oh. No. You’re great. Let me add the rest.”
They take care of it pretty quickly. It’s a simple recipe. Felix has all the ingredients because they planned to do this in the morning, before he had to leave for work, but this works too. It’s technically morning, if a very early one.
“You know, this is cute.” He says as he watches Chan make small balls of the finished dough after they added everything.
“Hm?” he has a concentrated expression on, like with everything he does.
“Like a bakery, if you think about it.” Felix smiles. “They make stuff at dawn, right? Like, suuuper early. Maybe not chocolate chip cookies, but. You know? So I bet we’re not the only ones in the city making something right now.”
Chan tilts his head to the side. “You’re very sweet. I still feel silly for keeping you up.”
“This is a purely selfish endeavor, hyung.” Felix stands behind him and places his hands on his chest. “You’re a natural at this.” He hooks his chin over Chan’s shoulder, squeezing his muscles.
Chan giggles, a little shy and a little pleased. Felix has come to learn that giggle quite well, in the time they’ve been together. Chan is the sweetest guy there is, it’s really difficult being in his presence without saying it every second. Felix is showing great self-restraint by just mildly groping him right now.
“Is this good?” Chan shows him the last ball he forms.
“It’s perfect.” Felix kisses his neck, making him squirm a little.
“Now what?”
“Now we refrigerate it for 30 minutes.”
They put the tray in the fridge and clean up the mess, soaking the dishes in the sink. Chan goes to wash them completely, but Felix says it can wait. He sets an alarm in 30 minutes and leads Chan by the hand into the living room. He gets comfortable on the couch and Chan gets comfortable on top of him, like a cuddly bear, covering his whole body and resting his head on Felix’s chest.
“You’re so comfy.” He says, wiggling his ass.
Felix smiles, drawing small circles on his back. “So are you.”
“Not too heavy?”
“No. Like a weighted blanket. I like it.”
Felix has never used a weighted blanket before, but he knows he likes how Chan’s full body weight feels on top of him. They stay silent for a while listening to each other’s breathing. Felix thinks giving Chan all the small tasks of making the cookie dough helped take his mind off of things, relaxed him a little. He seems lighter now than when he woke up.
“Do you wanna know?” he asks, not moving his head to look up at Felix. “What I dream about.”
Felix places a small kiss on his forehead and keeps stroking his back. “If you wanna tell me. I wanna know everything there is to know about you.”
“It’s not… like. Not typical stuff of nightmares, I think.” Chan chuckles. “More like my personalized version of hell.”
Felix feels his heart squeezing, a little anxious to hear about it, but still curious. He means it – everything means everything. The good and the bad. If he knows what wakes Chan up in the middle of the night, maybe he can be of better help if it happens again when they’re together.
“Okay. Tell me.”
“It’s this reoccurring theme of someone needing my help and I can’t get there in time. It’s happened a lot, it’s friends, family. People I care about. Sometimes it’s blurry and not really understandable but the feeling is still there. I’ve had some scary dreams where someone or something chases me and stuff like that, but I could never feel the fear in the dream. With these, I always can. It’s like an actual physical thing, like my stomach is sinking and my chest hurts.”
Felix closes his eyes and hugs him properly, spreading his palms on Chan’s broad back. “Hyung, that sounds really awful. I’m sorry. I get why it affects you so much.”
He was right, that must be a version of hell for Chan. Chan, who loves being helpful and who’s so caring and thoughtful, always looking out for everyone, even people he just met. Always making sure everything goes according to plan and noticing if someone’s feelings get hurt, seeing things others don’t. Felix knows he’s a big family person and having them all the way in Australia, especially in moments when he gets worried about them, can’t be easy. And Chan’s friends are really important to him too, Felix is pretty sure he’s everyone’s emergency contact in his friend group, at least the ones he met so far.
“Yeah. It’s not fun, I’ll tell you that much.” Chan laughs, playing with Felix’s shirt. “One time, I dreamt Minho called me, because his dad was in the hospital. I said I’ll get there right away, but I couldn’t. No matter how much I walked and ran, the road kept getting longer and longer. I’d see the hospital, it would be so close to me and I’d feel relief, but then it would disappear again and I would have to walk again. And I couldn’t get there in time, I kept trying, but it just wasn’t happening. Minho kept calling and I couldn’t answer my phone or get to him.”
Chan speaks with calmness in his voice now, like he’s retelling any story, but Felix can imagine how scary it must have been. He wishes he could store Chan in his chest, keep him safe and sound and protected from all of these terrible feelings, from his nightmares and the way his subconsciousness likes to torture him, stressing him out even when he sleeps.
“Oh, baby. Come here.” He tugs until Chan gets higher on his body and he can hold his cheek, look at his pretty face. “I’m sorry. You must have been really scared.”
“I was.” Chan nods, closing his eyes. “But it’s okay. I get through it. Just wanted to share with you. Since you said you’d like to know if I ever wanted to tell you.”
“I do. Thanks for telling me.” Felix returns a sweet smile Chan gives him. “You know, this makes so much sense.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, returning to his position on Felix’s chest, relaxing his neck.
“That your biggest fear is letting people down. Even in your dreams, all you can think about is how to help someone. Be there for someone.” He looks at the ceiling, trying to get the right words. “I think it says a lot about how important your friends are to you. And your family. You’re very sweet.”
Chan doesn’t say anything to that, but he sighs. “Dreamt of you, once.”
Felix’s heart skips a beat and he wonders if Chan felt that. “Really?”
“Yeah. Not like—not like Minho, but I dreamt we had a fight and it was raining and you went out and I knew something bad happened to you. Like a—I don’t know if it was an accident, or you were hurt somehow, or someone hurt you, but I just had a feeling. I felt really bad. And even worse, when I woke up it was raining, and it wasn’t when I went to sleep, so that freaked me out even more haha.”
Felix pouts, looking down at Chan’s curls and the way his cheek is squished adorably where he’s resting. “Hyuuung. I’m so sorry, that sucks. I would be freaked out too, I’d think it was a premonition or something.” He laughs lightly.
Chan squeezes him. “Almost called you. But I talked myself out of it, it was like—3 or 2am. I’m no prophet, they’re just stupid dreams.”
“They are just dreams, but they suck. You can call me any time. Day, night, whenever. If we’re fighting. Whatever is happening, you can call me. And I’ll pick up. If you have a nightmare while we’re sleeping apart, you can call me and I’ll stay on the line with you. Talk your ear off about random stuff, if it helps. It’s not stupid, okay?”
Chan just laughs, shy and probably a little embarrassed, even though he has no reason to be. Felix strokes his arm.
“Okay?” he repeats.
“Okay. Thank you, baby. That’s sweet.”
Felix kisses his head again. “You’re sweet.”
The more he keeps touching Chan’s body, the more Chan melts into him. His eyes are closed, lips in an adorable little pout. Felix could watch him for hours. He plays with his hair, scratches his scalp gently. Lets his fingers trail down his neck, map out the vertebrae in his spine.
It’s not long before he realizes Chan is asleep. His breathing slows down and the grip he has on Felix’s shirt loosens. Felix carefully turns off the alarm he set so it doesn’t wake him up. He googles what happens if you leave cookie dough in the fridge for too long?
The fact is, no matter how divine and delicious cookie dough is, it is a raw product that contains eggs and butter. Over time, it'll become rancid, on top of the lurking danger of salmonella and E. coli.
Well. That sounds like fun. Clicking on the article tells him 3-5 days is actually safe, but if it’s stored in an airtight container. Which his dough isn’t.
But he thinks throwing it out and making his infamous chocolate chip cookies with Chan some other time will be totally worth it if it gets Chan some more sleep.