Chapter Text
Summer has always been Jay’s favorite season, and as he’s walking down the old cobblestoned street that cuts into a sunbaked dirt road, he begins to feel it more.
The trees that hang overhead as he walks onto the dirt winding road hums a familiar tune in the breeze that sweeps by. The smell of sun-ripened fig and wild rosemary tickles his senses, the summer heat seeping into his skin, with sparse wind kissing his hair.
He hears cicadas buzzing in the distance, their hum blending with the soft rustling of olive trees as he walks by.
He loves this. This part of Northern Italy is a spot for tourists during its peak seasons, but right now, for Jay, this is home.
The place he has been raised, the place where his earliest memories were made, the place where the peach tree he finds comforts in stands just outside his home, and—
“Jay!”
The place where Yang Jungwon is.
Something rips before it blossoms in Jay’s stomach at the sound of the familiar voice. The familiar feeling of comfort seeps into his skin before it coils around his bones.
“I was just about to go to the marketplace to find you.” Jungwon jogs to a stop in front of him.
There’s sweat lining the younger boy’s forehead and his dark brown hair is tousled like he’s been running for hours. He’s wearing shorts with a loose white t-shirt on, the fabric sticking slightly to his skin under the weight of the summer heat.
“Mom is looking for you. She wants us to help set up dinner—Sunoo and his family are coming over tonight.” Jungwon informs them as he falls into step beside Jay.
“Yeah? Is that why you came to find me? Didn’t want to do all the hard work by yourself, huh?” Jay rolls his eyes teasingly.
“Of course, you know you have to suffer with me.” Jungwon teases, pushing his shoulder at the older male’s.
Jay stumbles dramatically, feigning defeat, and in return, a cascade of giggles escapes Jungwon’s lips as he follows suit. The sun is lower now, painting the sky in soft hues of apricot and lavender, casting long shadows along the dirt road. Olive trees sway lazily in the breeze, their silver-green leaves dancing in the wind.
“You’re so dumb.” Jungwon insults, but it lacks venom.
Jay raises an eyebrow at him before shouting, “Whoever gets there last has to do the dishes.”
He bolts into a run, leaving dust hanging in his wake.
“Hey, that's not fair!” Jungwon’s voice echoes through the countryside before he takes off running too. The sound of their laughter mingles in Jay’s ear as they race home, past the cobbled walls, past the vineyards and cypress trees—towards home.
During dinner, chatter and debates scatter across the table. Jay’s parents are in deep conversation about international business with Sunoo’s parents while Jungwon’s mother hovers around the table, filling up plates before they’re even finished.
The sound of buzzing fills the air, a soft breath of wind ruffles through his hair, Jay’s glad they decided to dine outside today. The evening’s sky is still painted a deep orange lavender as Jay stuffs an olive into his mouth.
“Psst.”
Jay looks up, raising his eyebrows at Jungwon who squirms in his seat across from him, with Sunoo sitting beside him, checking himself out in his pocket-sized mirror, oblivious to Jungwon’s dilemma.
Jungwon’s eyes darted from Jay to his dinner plate.
A chuckle escapes Jay’s lips once he realizes what the younger male was signaling and without another word, Jay discreetly scoops the olives off of brunette’s plate and transfers it over to his.
“Thanks.” Jungwon whispers.
In response, Jay smiles and nudges his foot under the table.
The next day sees Jay lying in Jungwon’s lap under the linden tree, Jungwon’s fingers treading gingerly through his hair. The air is thick with the scent of summer—sweet grass, ripening fruit, the faint whisper of something floral carried on the breeze. It’s a little bit windy today, the breeze must be carrying mists of the lake nearby.
Above them, sunlight filters through the leaves, casting shifting patches of gold across Jay’s face. He blinks away the stray sunlights that patch his vision.
“You’re going to fall asleep,” Jungwon murmurs, amusement curling at the edges of his voice.
Jay hums, eyes half-lidded. “Maybe.”
Jungwon’s fingers hesitate for just a second before resuming their slow, absentminded path through Jay’s hair. The quiet stretches between them, comfortable but heavy, something Jay can’t quite place his finger on. The linden tree has stood here for as long as they’ve known each other, its shade a familiar comfort. They’ve always come here when they need a break from school or even their mothers.
Once they get here, they’d follow a similar rhythm that goes something like this: they arrive, Jungwon will plop down by the trunk of the tree and Jay will follow suit, resting his head in the familiarity of Jungwon’s lap.
Jay shifts, eyes opening just enough to watch Jungwon’s face—serene, and content.
“You always do that.” He murmurs.
“Do what?” Jungwon raises an eyebrow, looking down at the older one.
“Touch my hair when you think I’m not paying attention.” Jay looks up, smirking lazily.
“You never stop me.” Jungwon, dimples forming from the way he tries to suppress his smile.
“Maybe I should start stopping you then.” Jay snickers, pulling his arms behind his head.
“You can try, but you know you can’t.” Jungwon’s voice is light in Jay’s ear.
“Of course, I can’t. You know I can’t.” Jay huffs, though the small smile forming on his face contradicts his tone.
Jay can never win when it comes to Jungwon. He can try, but he will never win.
The sound of birds chirping fills in the silence that fills in the gaps of space between them. Jungwon’s fingers threading through his hair pull him into a state of half-consciousness and half-wanting to succumb to sleep.
“Jay ah, where do you think we’ll be in ten years?” Jungwon’s voice jostles him slightly awake.
“Hmm? Why the sudden question?” Jay laughs lightly, the only reason he finds it funny is because Jungwon was always the “live in the moment” type, naturally the question caught him off guard.
“Is it a crime to ask?” Jungwon scoffs.
“No, no it’s not.” Jay slowly sits up at the tone of Jungwon’s voice, there’s something in it that he can’t quite identify. Jungwon’s fingers fall from Jay’s hair back to his sides, pulling his knees up to his chest.
“I guess I’d be in London by then?” Jay ponders out loud, scooting back until his back also hits the tree trunk. “If the interview I have three months from now works out then maybe I’d even be there by the end of this year.” He adds, excitement coloring his voice at the thought.
In his last year of secondary school, Jay decided to pursue international business, and London was a great place to start and settle in. As much as Jay loves his home, he would love a change in scenery, the smell of overbearing fruits sometimes becomes too much.
“Plus the universities up there are incredible. Heeseung sends me a letter every month about how incredible Oxford is.” Jay grins, picking at the stray grass by his feet.
Heeseung, an older friend of his who had graduated a year ago had relocated to Oxford to pursue his major in Philosophy. He’s been writing Jay letters every month since he left, filling him in on what life was outside the little comfort of space they’ve grown up in.
London, from what he heard, was louder, faster, and far less forgiving than the quiet town they had grown up in. But it was also alive in a way Jay had always dreamed about—opportunity pulsing through every street, history. and modernity clashing in a way that made the city feel endless.
“Yeah?” Jungwon says quietly.
The whisper of his voice cracks every bit of excitement Jay felt in his body until only a small flame was left. Immediately he turns his entire body to face the younger one, and that’s when he notices the look on Jungwon’s face. Distant. He’s staring past Jay, somewhere at the lake in front of them, his face unreadable.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jay asks, nudging Jungwon slightly with his shoulder.
Jungwon slowly looks back at him, blinking like he’s clearing away whatever thoughts were clouding his brain, “No, it’s nothing, I just spaced out.”
Jay’s eyebrows raise at that, from Jungwon’s habit of fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, Jay knows he’s lying but he doesn’t press on.
“I’m happy for you though.” The brunette adds after a beat of silence, “Big city London, huh? It’s been your dream for as long as I can remember.” he scoots closer to Jay, resting his head on the older male’s shoulder.
The weight of Jungwon’s cheek is heavy yet it feels like the lightest Jay has felt in months, something relaxes in him at the contact. “Thanks.” Jay smiles though he knows Jungwon can’t see it.
Carefully, he grabs Jungwon’s hands, his fingers sliding over soft knuckles and fair skin before dipping between the cracks of Jungwon’s fingers, slowly massaging him. “What about you? Where do you think you’ll be?”
Jungwon exhales, idly plucking at the grass between his knees with his free hand. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I’ve never really thought that far ahead.”
Jay tilts his head. “Really? No vague idea?”
Jungwon shakes his head, Jay doesn’t miss the way he doesn’t look at him when he says. “Not really. I guess I always figured I’d stay here for a while. Maybe take over the restaurant from my mom. Or maybe not. I don’t know.” His voice is even, but there’s something guarded in the way he says it, something Jay can’t quite place.
“But you can’t cook.” Jay teases lightly, trying to ease the unspoken tension.
That makes Jungwon laugh, which as a result causes something to ease in Jay’s chest, his shoulders relaxing just a bit, his eyes following Jungwon’s who still isn’t looking at him. From the way his fingers twitch in Jay’s palm to the way, he’s looking anywhere but at the older male.
“What? It’s true, is it not?” Jay raises an eyebrow when Jungwon shoves him lightly in faux-annoyance.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Jungwon rolls his eyes.
He’s still not looking at him, Jay notices, but he still doesn’t bring it up because he knows the last thing Jungwon wants is to be called out when he clearly looks like he’s processing something—more like trying to build the confidence to say something.
Jay knows. Jay knows because he knows Jungwon, from the slightest crease in his forehead to the way he’s biting his lips, not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to bruise it, and Jay knows he’ll have to hear an earful of complaints about the bruising tomorrow. Growing up with Jungwon since they were babies, naturally, Jay is attuned to him. And right now, right now Jungwon is trying to build up the courage to say something, so in the meantime, Jay will do what he does best, distract them.
Jay hums, tapping their joined hands against his knee in a rhythmic beat. “You know, if you ever need a place to crash in London, my door’s always open. Just don’t expect me to cook for you.”
They both know that’s a lie.
But that still earns him another laugh from Jungwon, though this time, it’s softer—quieter, like he’s only half there. Jay squeezes his hand, feeling the slight tremor in Jungwon’s fingers, and something inside him twists.
“Jungwon.” His voice is gentle, coaxing. “You sure you’re okay?”
For a moment, Jungwon doesn’t answer. His grip tightens just a fraction before he finally exhales.
“...I just don’t want things to change.”
Jay’s breath hitches.
The words are quiet, but they carry weight. More weight than the playful shoves, or the teasing remarks. The sun has set, giving way to dusk, maybe that’s why chills break out all over Jay’s body.
He turns fully to face Jungwon, searching his expression. “Hey,” he says softly. “Things won’t change. Not in the way that matters.”
Jungwon swallows, eyes flickering down to their joined hands. “You say that now.”
“And I’ll say it ten years from now, too.”
Jungwon finally looks at him then, really looks at him, and for the first time that night, Jay sees the hesitation crack, sees the storm in his eyes settle—just for a moment.
Jay smiles, squeezing his hand once more. “I’m not going anywhere. Even if I’m a million miles away.”
The corners of Jungwon’s lips twitch. It’s small, but it’s there.
“Promise?”
Jay doesn’t hesitate. “Promise.”
“Jay ah,”
“Hm?" Jay hums absentmindedly, seated beneath the peach tree by the outdoor dining area. His guitar rests in his lap—a familiar weight—as his fingers wander over the strings, plucking out an unfamiliar melody.
Their moms are inside, cooking dinner— despite Jay’s persistent offers to help. They simply waved him off, insisting they wanted some 'girl time' alone. Whatever, Jay thought, more time for him to play guitar then. He hadn’t been able to play for the past few weeks due to how busy he was preparing for his interview.
After not hearing Jungwon respond, he looks up only to find the younger one staring at him from where he’s sat at the dining table, knees pulled up to his chest in the chair. Something sinks in Jay’s stomach when he notices Jungwon has that expression on his face again, the same one from that day under the Linden tree.
“What’s wrong?” Jay asks.
There’s something heavy in Jungwon’s gaze as he stares at Jay, he’s looking at Jay in a way that makes Jay’s chest clench, grabbing onto the feeling he knows he shouldn’t reach for—hope.
Jungwon's eyes are fixed on him as if he's trying to commit every detail to memory—from Jay’s face to the delicate way his fingers graze the guitar strings in his lap. And if Jay were foolish enough ( which, of course, he is) , he might believe Jungwon is trying to absorb it all, as though Jay could vanish in an instant.
“Play something for me.” Jungwon blinks, but Jay can still see the wistful distant emotion that threatens to swarm his eyes.
Jay couldn’t even ask why all of a sudden Jungwon was requesting this because his fingers were already moving, playing a tune that was familiar to his ears.
The way his fingers move along the string takes him back to the days he’d play this song, days when he’d be in his room practicing the chords while Jungwon hummed the lyrics in his ear.
“It's been a long, long time since I've memorized your face.”
Jay’s head snaps up at the sound of Jungwon’s voice, floating into the open air.
“It's been four hours now since I've wandered through your place.” Jungwon sings and something melts in Jay’s chest, a flutter of wings that he’s been suppressing, it aches and tries to find a way out.
Jungwon has always been good at singing, ever since they were young. That combined with the guitar Jay’s father had gifted him, the two would take it to themselves to give the whole family a show.
“And when I sleep on your couch I feel very safe.” Jay nearly messes up the chord when he sees Jungwon smiling at him.
A smile. A beautiful smile, the one where his dimple is poking slightly, and all of a sudden that dam Jay had been holding back with his rib cages threatened to break, the rush of a feeling so strong threatens to flood through the gaps.
“And when you bring the blankets I cover up my face.” Jungwon’s voice breaks to near silence as he comes to a stop but his eyes never leave Jay’s.
And Jay… Well, he looks away before he can let the feeling settle too deeply. Jungwon’s just looking at him. It’s okay. It’s normal. It’s fine. He’s spent years mastering the art of wanting without expecting, this is no different. It was just Jungwon singing…singing to him like he was serenading him.
“I love that song,” Jungwon says from across the table, there’s a small smirk on his face like he can see right through Jay’s inner turmoil, but he’s trying to suppress it.
“I know,” Jay responds smoothly despite the hammering in his chest.
God, being in love with Yang Jungwon is going to kill him one day.
Jay exhales through his nose, fingers resuming their idle strumming as if nothing had just happened. As if Jungwon’s voice hadn’t wrapped around his ribs and squeezed. As if his heart wasn’t still lodged in his throat.
Jungwon hums, stretching his arms over his head with a lazy grin. “You messed up the third chord, by the way.”
Jay scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Yeah? Well, you were off-pitch on the second verse.” It’s a lie—Jungwon had been perfect, of course.
Jungwon gasps, throwing an accusatory glare at the older male “Liar.”
Jay just smirks, focusing back on his guitar, but he can still feel Jungwon’s gaze on him, warm and unwavering. He doesn’t look up. If he does, he might give himself away.
Two weeks before Jay’s interview with the university, Sunoo comes to visit again. It’s mid-September, and while the temperature has gone down slightly, the sun’s heat is still warm enough to keep them from freezing in the afternoon’s air.
And home is still, well home.
“He’s still the same, isn’t he? Jungwonie.” Sunoo says beside him as they watch Jungwon swing from the rope tied to the old tree, his body in the air for a moment before he plunges into the lake, his scream splitting the air
He and Sunoo are sitting on the grass beside the lake just a few miles down from his home, the spot where the three of them always come to swim since they were young. The smell of damp earth and sun warmed water enveloping them.
Jungwon and he had met Sunoo during primary school but the lad had moved away after three years to Milan. Distance didn’t change much, though. Their parents kept in touch, and Jay’s mother, fond of Sunoo’s family, welcomed him back year after year.
“Yeah,” Jay grins, eyes tracking Jungwon as he resurfaces, droplets clinging to his skin. His wet hair falls over his forehead, and when he shakes his head, he looks eerily like Maeumi, his dog.
“Jay ah, come here!” Jungwon shouts, waving his hand eagerly.
Without hesitation, Jay’s already getting up. From beside him, Sunoo lets out a snicker.
“And it seems like you haven’t changed either.” The fox-eyed male says,
Jay pauses, bending down to grab his towel. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Sunoo glances up at him, something sharp and knowing in his gaze. Jay has learned that look means trouble.
“Oh, nothing.” Sunoo smiles innocently.
“What do you mean nothing ? You know you can’t say something like that then expect me not to say something.” Jay frowns.
“Oh, nothing in particular,” Sunoo adds, mirth coloring his voice, and Jay begins seeing red sparks, leave it to Sunoo to piss him off whenever he sees fit.
“Sunoo, I swear—”
“Come on, why are you being so slow?” Jungwon’s voice cuts through his sentence, sounding dangerously close to sulking.
Without a second thought of finishing his sentence, Jay’s already turning over, nearly tripping on his shoes in his haste.
“I’m coming.” He says,
“It’s good to see you two haven’t changed at all,” Sunoo muses, stretching his arms behind his head. Then, quieter, as if only for Jay, “though I must say, it’s a little disappointing.”
Jay’s steps falter.
“ What? ” Jay’s knees nearly buckle, he latches onto Sunoo’s words, a familiar feeling coils in his stomach, a flutter of wings tickle his rib cages at the implication.
Sunoo’s gaze flickers with mischief, but there’s something else there too—something that makes Jay feel suddenly exposed.
“Oh Jay, your eyes are dripping with honey, do you take me as a fool? How could I not notice?” Sunoo raises an eyebrow as he too stands up. “I’m coming too!” He shouts at Jungwon who’s standing there with his hands on his hip.
Jay’s throat goes dry.
Sunoo knows .
But before Jay can even begin to process the weight of those words, Sunoo turns away, waving at Jungwon. “I’m coming too!”
Jay follows, trying— failing —to settle his heartbeat.
Because here’s the thing: Jungwon isn’t just his best friend.
They’ve been in each other’s lives for as long as Jay can remember, their roots tangled deep in the same soil. Their mothers were best friends before they were even born. Jay was there when Jungwon took his first wobbly steps; Jungwon was there when Jay lost his first tooth, eyes wide with wonder like it was the most important thing in the world.
This feeling—this thing that has lived unspoken between them—Jay has buried it beneath years of familiarity. But now, with Sunoo’s words lingering in his ears, it feels dangerously close to the surface.
“Do you think he knows?” Jay asks quietly as they enter the water, the coldness bits into his skin, its icy teeth biting up from his ankles to his hips.
Sunoo tilts his head “Jungwonie?”
Jay nods, gaze flickering toward the boy a few feet away. He’s afraid to look for too long, afraid Jungwon will see something he’s not ready to show or maybe he has already shown it and is now reeling back from fear.
Sunoo exhales, voice quiet with amusement. “No. I think he’s just as dumb as you are.” Then his eyebrows scrunch slightly, he pauses like he’s in thought, “I say, snatch him up before someone else does though, you never know with these things.”
Jay barely has time to process that before Jungwon is suddenly in front of them.
“It’s cold, isn’t it?” Jungwon grins as Sunoo shivers in the water once they reach him.
“Yeah.” Sunoo groans dramatically but then contradicts himself by plunging under the water.
Jay’s eyes stay glued to where Sunoo dives under, Jungwon doesn’t know—Jungwon can’t know.
Because what is worse than finding out that your best friend of 17 years is in love with you? Jay has hidden it for so long, from unsaid words to stolen glances, it can’t crumble now.
But oh dear Gods, what if Jungwon knows?
The spot Sunoo had disappeared to has relaxed into smaller ripples. He’s been under there for a while now, maybe Jay should go get him out, he’ll do anything to distract him from—
Warmth.
Jay nearly jolts when he feels Jungwon’s hands slide up his arms, fingers resting lightly on his shoulders.
He looks up—and suddenly, Jungwon is too close .
“What’s wrong?” The younger one raises an eyebrow, head tilting slightly.
“What do you mean?” Jay asks, voice barely a whisper.
Jungwon’s hair clings to his forehead, droplets of water tracing the lines of his frame. But in the light of the setting sun, he glows—bathed in gold, like the world itself is painting him into something ethereal.
An angel.
In this moment, Jungwon looks like an angel. Devastating. So devastatingly beautiful, Jay thinks.
“You’ve got that look in your eyes again.” Jungwon smiles slightly, hands traveling up to Jay’s jaw.
Jay forgets how to breathe.
The softness of his skin feels nice against the angular sharp edges of Jay’s face. Subconsciously, the tanned-skinned male leans in. Something in him always seems to rest in Jungwon’s presence.
“What look?” Jay asks, a faint smirk tugging at his lips, teasing despite the ache in his chest.
Jungwon hums, thrumming his fingers up the hollowness of Jay’s cheeks, tracing invisible patterns. “Like you’ve got a million thoughts going on in that pretty brain of yours.”
Jay hums in response, for some reason, their bodies are closer than he realized. The warmth of their skin pressing against each other temporarily blocks out the chills that the soft wind carries over the river.
Jay huffs a laugh, quiet and breathless.
He doesn’t know how to respond.
Because if Jungwon looks at him any longer, he’s going to see it .
And Jay isn’t ready for that.
Not yet.
Two weeks later, Jay comes to find out that Sunoo was right. Right in the sense that he should hurry up and do something before someone inevitably does “snatch” Jungwon up.
Jealousy is a foolish creature. It’s a gross, disgusting, and bitter thing. Jay has never once thought of himself to be the jealous type, why would he be when he was grounded in himself enough to not let his brain think otherwise? He has everything—well, almost everything—he could ever ask for, there was nothing to be jealous of, of anyone for that matter.
But oh is Jay afraid that that “ almost ” will be the thing that kills him when it comes to jealousy.
Sometimes he forgets that Jungwon is not his, was never his to begin with . But that doesn’t stop the sting that forms when Jungwon mentions that he’s being pursued . Not pursued by just anyone for that matter, but Park fucking Sunghoon. The boy that’s been titled the most sought-after man at their school.
It all started when Jay got back from his successful interview, securing his spot at the University of Oxford. He had been so happy, joyful in spreading the news to his parents, Jungwon’s parents, and heck, even Jungwon himself if he hadn’t already heard. Of course, everyone had been thrilled for him, everyone but the one person he had to practically beg for a hint of a reaction.
When he had told Jungwon the news, the boy barely had a reaction, his face looked bitter. Jay’s words hung in the air like a heavy cloud before the rain, the excitement of his Oxford success quickly suffocated by the tense silence that followed. Jungwon's face was unreadable for a moment like he was trying to piece together the right response, but when it finally came, it wasn’t what Jay had expected.
His lips twitched into something that looked like a smile, but from the years Jay had known Jungwon, he knew that it was not a smile. His eyes stayed focused on the floor, avoiding Jay’s gaze, but the bitterness in his expression was undeniable. It was subtle, a tightening of his jaw, the brief clench of his hands at his sides.
"That's great," Jungwon said, his voice soft, almost too soft. He forced a breath out as if trying to mask something within him. “Oxford... you deserve it.”
Jay searched his face for any sign of sincerity, any flicker of warmth, but it was hard to read past the wall Jungwon had just put up. Jay wanted to reach out but the burn of Jungwon’s words stung more than any empathy he could feel in that moment.
“What…Jungwon? Why are you being like this?” Jay asks, voice breaking before he can even stop himself.
As if he could sense the evident hurt in Jay’s voice, Jungwon immediately looked up, for a second Jay thought he regretted it and was going to apologize but it was gone the moment he opened his mouth and said, “I have to go, Sunghoon’s waiting for me.”
That’s when Jay notices the sling bag strapped across Jungwon’s chest, the loose, white, unbuttoned dress shirt he has on, revealing the white tank he has on underneath. His hair combed neatly for the first time in a while, looking utterly nothing like himself.
“What the hell?” Jay’s voice rises an octave when he notices the single rose in Jungwon’s hand.
Gone was the hurt he felt mere seconds ago at Jungwon’s words, replaced by a burning ugly feeling that threatened to swallow him. A hurt that cut deeper than anything he had ever felt.
“We’re going out.” Jungwon forces out each word through his teeth, “He asked me out.” He adds like Jay wasn’t already seeing red.
“And you’re just telling me now ?” Jay shoots back.
“Well, I would’ve told you earlier if you weren’t so coped up this entire week practicing for that damned interview!” Jungwon glares up at him, his voice raising with anger.
“That damned interview was my dream!” Jay exclaims, frustration coloring every crack in his voice, fueled by the anger that Jungwon was being pursued .
For a second, another brief flash of guilt plays on Jungwon’s face before it’s replaced with the anger, mirroring Jay’s.
“Well, you got it! I’m happy for you okay?” Jungwon smiles sarcastically, his tone contradicting his words completely.
Confusion hits Jay like stones, “Now if you would excuse me, I have to go .” Jungwon grits out, pushing Jay’s shoulder hard as he walks past him.
Jay didn’t know how it happened but one-second Jungwon was walking away and the next his wrist was caught in Jay’s grasp, the older male tugging him back.
“You said yes?” Jay’s breathing has become erratic now.
“Of course, I said yes.” Jungwon exclaims, “Now, let me go!” he tries yanking his hand back.
“Why would you say yes? You know he’s—” Jay begins,
“Because I like him!” Jungwon shouts.
Something inside Jay snaps, a violent crack that echoes louder than any words. The silence that follows is suffocating —his heart feels as though it’s plummeting, tumbling downward into an abyss where no sound exists, where nothing makes sense anymore.
His grip on Jungwon’s wrist loosens, fingers trembling as though they’re not his own, as if the very act of holding on has shattered him.
At that moment, everything goes still, like the world paused, time holding still. Jay’s chest aches, an emptiness that gnaws at him, deeper than he thought possible. It’s as though someone has torn a hole in his chest, and he can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t process the weight of Jungwon’s words.
“I like him.”
The words hung in the air, and all Jay could do was make sure his knees didn’t give out on him. If he thought Jungwon’s words couldn’t cut any deeper, this might have been the final blow. The pain doesn't just sting—it burns. Jay doesn’t know what hurts more: the words themselves or the realization that he’s never had a chance.
All this time, eighteen years of being together and nearly a half-decade of pinning, Jay realized he never stood a chance. His heart—no, his very soul —is broken. And as he stands there, looking at the person he thought he might have held forever, Jay feels the terrible finality of it.
There’s a stone lodged in his throat and his voice cracks when he speaks, a whisper, “You like him?” It’s not a question—it's an accusation, a simple truth that feels like it’s suffocating him from the inside.
He’s trying his best not to let the lump in his throat completely block out his airway. When his gaze meets Jungwon’s, the world around him blurs—the only thing clear is the pain mirrored in Jungwon's eyes. It’s as if the very weight of Jay's hurt has physically struck him.
He sees it clearly in Jungwon’s eyes: regret.
“Jay, wait—” Jungwon’s voice trembles as he reaches out, desperation in his touch.
But Jay recoils, his chest tightening like a vice around his lungs. He sees the instant pain that flashes in Jungwon’s eyes but he’s too blinded by his own hurt to think rationally, “I’ll let you go then. Have fun, Jungwon. Forget everything I said.”
The words taste bitter on his tongue and there’s definitely a second meaning to that sentence, maybe it is time to let Jungwon go. Even the sound of his own words sounds dumb to his own ears because he’s definitely hoping Jungwon does not have fun.
He needs to leave. He needs to leave now before his heart begins to shred completely in his chest. His pulse thunders in his ears and all he can think about is getting away before the dam holding back his tears shatters.
He pivots on his heels, ready to head to his room. He had caught Jungwon in the yard before the whole argument started, and now the sun had set completely, the fairy lights hanging from the branches of the peach trees being their only source of light in the darkness.
“Jay please,” Jungwon says from behind him, and Jay swears he hears a crack in his voice.
Then, he feels it. Slender fingers wrap around his wrist, gentle but firm, like Jungwon is trying to anchor him in place.
Jay stills, not turning around, he schools his face back into a mask of indifference. There’s too much hurt everywhere . He can’t breathe and if he stands one more second in Jungwon’s presence, he’s afraid he will completely shatter to the point he won’t be able to explain it without inevitably revealing the feelings he has been harboring for so long.
“Jongseong, please.”
Good Gods, what is Yang Jungwon doing to him?
That name. His real name. It’s a plea, a lifeline, and it does something terrible to him. The broken pieces of his somewhat still functioning heart slushes around in his chest, like small embers of hope flickering in the dark.
When he finally turns around, the look on Jungwon’s face destroys him.
“I didn’t mean that,” Jungwon says, voice trembling, his eyes desperate, searching. “I—”
“It’s fine.” Jay cuts him off, his tone flat, detached. “Your feelings and who you want to be with… that’s not my concern. I shouldn’t have lashed out.”
Jungwon expression falters slightly, and something like disappointment colors him for a second,
“So you don’t care?” Jungwon asks, voice barely a whisper but it doesn’t hide the dismay in his tone.
Jay forces himself to smile, even though it feels like his ribs are caving in. “ Why should I? Who you date is none of my business.”
Jungwon blinks like he’s trying to reel back in from the bite in Jay’s words.
“Oh, okay.” Jungwon’s voice is barely a whisper, he’s blinking away rapidly, and his hand drops from Jay’s wrist.
Jay ignores the way his heart tears in his chest, every instinct aching to pull Jungwon back.
A beat of silence passes before Jay says, “Are we good?”
“Y-yeah, yeah, we’re good.” Jungwon coughs a little bit, turning away before Jay can even catch a glimpse of his face.
The evident hurt in Jungwon’s voice fuels the confusion in Jay's messed up brain.
“Have a good night, Jay,” Jungwon says.
He should say something—stop him, call him back, do something. But his throat is tight, and his pride is louder than the ache in his chest.
“Yeah,” Jay mutters to himself, barely above a breath. “Good night, Jungwon.”
But Jungwon is already gone, slipping past the twisting gates, vanishing down the dirt road toward wherever Sunghoon is waiting.
Jay doesn’t move. He just stands there, staring after him, hands clenched at his sides. The night air feels heavier now, suffocating in a way it wasn’t before. The scent of overripe figs tickles his senses, the comfort it usually makes him feel, instead makes him nauseous.
And for the first time, he wonders if he’s just let something—someone—irreplaceable slip right through his fingers.
The night has become unbearable. And that’s saying something because things must really be bad for Jay not to be able to fall asleep or stay asleep throughout the night.
He’s been awake, sitting in his bed for the past two hours now, the last time he checked it was midnight and now it’s two in the morning.
He’s been absentmindedly playing a tune on his guitar, gently plucking the strings, afraid that if he played too loud, he’d wake his parents up.
The window across from his bed is open, giving way to the night’s chilly breeze. He can hear the sound of leaves dancing in the wind, the smell of the ocean filling his lungs when he breathes in a bit too deeply. When he exhales, the sting is still there.
Fuck, everything still hurts.
He grabs his chest, the fabric of his loose t-shirt bunching up in his hold, it physically hurts . Jay can’t seem to feel anything past that soul-rotting feeling, it’s spreading like a virus through his body.
He can’t shake the thought that he had made the worst decision in his life by letting Jungwon walk away.
There’s a knock on his door that shakes him from his thoughts,
“Come in.” His voice is barely a whisper, anticipation thrumming in his bones at the thought of someone behind that door.
“Jongseong, why are you still awake?” Jay blinks and realizes that it’s his mom who walks in, shutting the door gently behind her.
“Oh, hi Mom.” He tries to hide the way his shoulder droops slightly in disappointment, he was stupid to think that Jungwon would be knocking on his door, especially not after that fight—what was he even thinking?
“I can’t sleep.” He answers truthfully, pulling his guitar up to rest his head gently against the neck of it.
“I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard those words come out of your mouth in all the years you’ve been alive, honey.” His mother lets out a small laugh as she settles onto the end of Jay’s mattress.
Jay tries to laugh but he ends up sounding like a balloon depleted of air, “Yeah, it’s not like me to not be able to sleep,”
“Something on your mind, darling?” His mom asks quietly.
Jay shuffles slightly in his bed, but whispers “No, nothing much. Just a bit restless tonight.”
“Hmm.” His mom breathes in, and after a beat of silence she asks, “I saw Jungwon heading out a couple of hours ago, has he come back yet?”
Jay stills for a second at the sound of Jungwon’s name.
He can feel the way his mother’s eyes narrow in on that one movement.
“I don’t know.” Jay admits, looking out the window where the moon is still at its peak, hanging in the starless night sky.
“Did he tell you where he was going?” She asks.
Jay fumbles with the sheets of his bed before mumbling, “Yeah, he went on a date, or something like that.”
“Ah, I see.” His mom hums, there’s something in her tone that Jay can’t quite pick up on, “Is that why you sulked all throughout dinner and now can’t sleep?”
Jay's head snaps up almost immediately, he comes face to face with his mother’s knowing smile.
“What?”
“You like him, don’t you, Jungwon?”
Jay scoffs lightly, desperately trying to control the beating in his chest, as he places his guitar by the side of his bed. “Everyone likes Jungwon, mom.”
"I think he likes you too, more than you do, Jongseong.” She grins, completely ignoring Jay’s words.
“Yeah, yeah, sure, because last I remember, he’s on a date with Park Sunghoon.” He spews out, the words sounding more bitter than he’d like to admit.
“You like him, right?” His mother continues ignoring him.
Jay lets out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. Why does this even matter anymore? It’s already too late.
His mother watches him carefully, and then, after a moment, she sighs.
“Is it better to speak or to die?”
Jay’s breath catches in his throat. He looks up at her, startled by her words. “What?” he whispers.
She only smiles knowingly, reaching out to smooth down his hair like she used to when he was younger. “You heard me, darling.”
Jay swallows hard, his fingers picking at his nails. His chest feels tight, his mind spiraling. “What if it doesn’t change anything?” he murmurs.
His mother shrugs lightly. “And what if it changes everything?”
Silence coils around them, seeping into every corner before Jay builds up the courage to whisper the next few words he’s been unwilling to admit for the longest time, “I’m scared Mom.”
The moment those words leave his mouth, Jay feels as if he’s seven again, lying in the comfort of his mother’s arms, desperately begging her to make the monsters that torment him in his nightmares go away. A vulnerable boy who’s experiencing his firsts.
“Scared of what, my boy?”
Jay breathes out, hands unsteady at the thought “I don’t want to lose him. I can’t risk him. I can’t risk us .”
“Is it better to speak or to die?” His mother repeats.
Is it better to cling to every unsaid word, every stolen glance, every moment where he could have crossed the line but didn’t—choosing the safety of silence over the uncertainty of truth? Or is it worse to finally let his feelings become known, even if it meant risking everything, even if it meant handing his heart out for Jungwon to decide whether he wanted to keep it or break it.
Either way, Jay knows the hurt is inevitable.
“Love, Jay, is worth every risk.” His mother says. “What you and Jungwon have, it’s…” she pauses, a hand on the edge of Jay’s bed like she’s trying hard to find the words to describe them , “special.”
“You guys might not realize it now, but you will. You both are lucky to have found one another.” She smiles softly, looking at Jay the way she always does when she reminisces. “I still remember the day you were sick that one winter, Jungwon had been by your side the entire week, his mother and I thought he’d turn into a statue by how glued he was to your bedside.” she chuckles, the sound eliciting a soft grumble from Jay.
He remembers the day too, Jungwon had been worried sick for him, constantly scolding him for not wearing the proper attire for the season.
“I don’t know if you know this, but remember when you first started taking those guitar classes, and Jungwon would constantly poke fun at you for playing so badly?” She muses on,
Jay nods.
“Well, I was walking out to the garden one day, the one by your bedroom, only to find Jungwon crouching by your windowsill listening to you play, that sneaky little boy.” She laughs,
Jay blinks in surprise at the new information, because no, he did not know that. Jungwon was always one to poke at and tease Jay for his struggling chords, for every off-key note, for the way his fingers fumbled over the strings—but he had never known Jungwon had been listening in secret, hidden just beyond his reach.
Jay swallows, his throat suddenly tight.
His mother watches him with a knowing smile. “Love makes fools of us all, Jongseong.” She reaches over, patting his cheek gently. “But it also gives us the courage to be honest with ourselves.”
Jay stares at the floor, the weight of her words pressing down on him, settling deep into the cracks he’s spent so long trying to ignore.
“Get some sleep, honey,” she murmurs, rising from the bed. “And think about what you really want.”
She walks to the door, pausing just before she leaves. “Jungwon’s heart has always been yours, whether you see it or not.” Then, with a soft smile, she slips out, leaving Jay alone with the ghosts of all the things he has never said.
He exhales, running a hand down his face.
Jungwon had been listening. Jungwon had always been there.
And yet, Jungwon was with Sunghoon now.
Jay stares at his guitar, his fingers twitching at his sides.
Is it better to speak or to die?
Jay grips the neck of his guitar, thoughts swimming in his brain but he’s never felt more clear-minded.
He isn’t ready to die with regret.
Not this time.
It’s three a.m. when Jay hears the sound of the front gate creaking open from outside his window. Immediately, he’s moving, he walks out of his room, blindly walking down the hall and pushing the front door open.
Something fuels his energy despite it being this late—or no, this early in the morning. And that something was worry that Jungwon got home so late, as well as anger , that Jungwon was just now getting home. What the hell could he have been doing for the past five hours?
“What the hell were you doing on a date with Sunghoon so late?” His words slip out before he can even reach Jungwon who has just crossed halfway through the front yard.
Jungwon blinks, startled. Then, his expression darkens, lips pressing into a thin line. “Seriously? You show up in the middle of the night just to ask me that?”
“Show up? May I remind you this is my house too.” Fuck it’s all going wrong , Jay thinks, they’re already arguing.
“Well, I didn’t ask you to stay up and wait.” Jungwon grits out, pushing past Jay and towards the front step.
He doesn’t get far before Jay yanks him back, “Do not try walking away from me right now, Yang Jungwon. What the hell were you doing to be getting back at three in the morning?” His tone is rough, trying to keep the jealousy at bay.
Jungwon laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Are you kidding me? You have the audacity to ask me that?” He glares, eyes blazing. “You don’t get to question who I spend my time with, Jay. Not when you’ve never once—” He cuts himself off, shaking his head. “Forget it.”
“No, say it.” Jay spits out, pulling him even closer, the tension between them is palpable, like a flicker of flame dangerously close to spreading like wildfire.
One second.
Two seconds.
And Jungwon breaks.
“You’re such a liar, you know that?!” He shouts.
Jay nearly stumbles backward at the sudden outburst, Jungwon is furious .
“You said you didn’t care! You said it wasn’t your concern, so why the hell did you look at me like that ?! Like I just—like I just ripped your heart out?” The brunette spits, venom coloring his voice.
Jay blinks rapidly, not even hiding how taken off guard he was but that doesn’t stop the defensiveness from creeping in, “Because maybe you did, Jungwon!”
Silence and then all hell breaks loose.
Jungwon thrashes in his hold, there are beads of crystal shining in his eyes, coating the depths of black within them “Then why ? Why the hell did you lie about it? Why did you pretend you didn’t care? When you do, you do care , stop being a fucking coward and admit it.”
Jay sucks in a breath and that’s all he gets before the words start tumbling out of his mouth “Of course I care! Do you think I’d be this miserable if I didn’t? I don’t give a damn about Sunghoon—I care about you.”
His eyes lock with Jungwon’s, and in that instant, he sees the single tear that escapes, silently trailing down Jungwon’s cheek. Jay’s breath hitches, his heart pounding like a wild animal in his chest. He never meant for this to come out like this.
“You’re really confusing, you know that?” Jungwon attempts to accuse him, but the way his voice breaks at the end of his sentence gives his true feelings away, “you can’t be acting like—you’re,” he pauses, clearly struggling to find the right words, and Jay feels his stomach twist in anticipation. He knows what’s coming. The inevitable.
Jungwon exhales sharply, Jay notices the tinge of pink that blossoms on his cheeks though he can’t tell if it’s because of anger or something else. Then finally, Jungwon spits it out, “Like you’re my boyfriend, who’s jealous of me going out with someone else.”
Jay’s breathing hitches, frozen like a thief caught. A million thoughts rush into his brain, he can play it off…or he can cross that line he can never come back from.
Is it better to speak or to die?
His mother’s words hit him like a freight train, and in that moment, Jay makes his choice. Fuck it, he will speak . Because it’s not death he fears—no, that’s inevitable. What terrifies him is time. Time, slipping through his fingers like sand before he can even grasp it. He refuses to let himself look back ten years from now, watching Jungwon with someone else
Because if it already hurts this much, how much worse will it be then?
Jay doesn’t know where he’ll be in a decade—London, Italy, or somewhere else entirely. But he does know one thing with absolute certainty.
He doesn’t want to be anywhere without Jungwon.
Because Jungwon isn’t just a person. Jungwon is home, he’s always been home.
Admit it .
It’s there, Jay knows it. It’s in his throat; in his stomach; it’s in his brain; in his heart, fuck, it’s everywhere . Those three words that carry the heaviest weight, he can feel them everywhere, spreading through every nook and cranny in his body to the point he can’t feel anything but it .
“I love you. I was jealous because I fucking love you , Yang Jungwon!" The words spill out before he can stop them. “And it hurts —it hurts because I’ve loved you for so long that I can’t remember who I was before it. Because loving you was all I have ever known.” Jay nearly vomits the words out.
Now it was Jungwon’s turn to freeze up.
A second passes,
Then another.
Shit. Jay might’ve actually fucked up big time now. There was no turning back from this, he had permanently altered their relationship with just three words, for worse or for better? He doesn’t know, all he knows is that if Jungwon doesn’t respond right now he will crumble in his anxiety.
Just as he opens his mouth, to beg the boy to at least say something, Jungwon blinks.
“You love me..?” His words tremble, barely a whisper as if he can’t quite believe what he heard. Gone was the anger and rage that was in his voice, in its place was disbelief.
“Yes.” Jay exhaled almost immediately as if it was the easiest question anyone could’ve ever asked him. “I love you, Jungwon.” Now that he’s said those words, he finds that he cannot stop himself from saying them. As if that final push was all it took for this love for Jungwon to overpower every one of his senses.
What he doesn’t expect is the scatter of tears that slip down Jungwon’s cheeks at his confession.
“Hey, hey.” Jay’s heart rate spikes, instinctively he pulls Jungwon closer. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
He feels Jungwon’s arms wrapping around his waist, he feels warmth mixed with wetness against his chest, before he hears the undeniable sounds of sobs rattling through Jungwon’s body, shaking both of them.
“I’m sorry.” Was all he could hear from where Jungwon was pressed against his chest, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Jay—,”
“Hey, hey, calm down, Won breathe.” Jay pulls Jungwon back to get a clear view, his heart nearly breaks at the sight. Jungwon’s eyes are red, terribly puffy, his nose is pink, matching the same pink blotches on his cheeks, tears continue to pour down his cheeks, and he keeps sniffling like he’s trying to control himself.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say the things I said in the evening, before I left,” Jungwon starts, his voice unsteady. He swallows hard, and Jay can see the way his throat tightens, the way his chest rises and falls with shaky breaths. So they’re talking about this now then?
“About the whole Oxford interview. I am happy for you. I don’t know why I said that. I just…” He hesitates, his fingers bunching up the fabrics of Jay’s pajamas. “I’m stressed. And hurt. And maybe a little selfish—because you’re leaving, and I don’t know how to be fully happy about that. So I said yes to Sunghoon on that date.”
“I was an idiot, I’m so sorry Jay.” He hiccups, “I said I liked him out of pure rage. I wanted you to feel as hurt as I felt at that moment, though it wasn’t fair at all .”
Jay watches all of this, willing his heart to stay in one piece as he pulls Jungwon closer, the boy trembling in his arms, “It’s okay, love. I forgive you.” He presses a feather of a kiss onto the crown of Jungwon’s head, the pet name slipping out easily like it was always meant to be said. Like he was always meant to call Jungwon what he was: love.
“No. No, it’s not okay. You didn’t deserve the way I treated you. You worked your ass off preparing for that interview and I was so selfish, I wanted to keep you all to myself—I didn’t want to let you go even though I knew that was your dream.” Jungwon shakes his head.
Jay runs a finger gingerly through the younger boy’s hair, “I’m sorry too, Jungwon. I’m sorry for lashing out too.” he murmurs, resting his chin atop Jungwon’s head. “I was angry and hurt, but I should have never said the things I did either.”
Jungwon shakes his head against Jay’s chest, gripping him even tighter, as if afraid that if he lets go, Jay might slip through his fingers. “You had every right to be angry. I just—” He exhales shakily, voice barely above a whisper. “I just didn’t know how to handle the thought of you leaving.”
Jay swallows, his heart aching at the vulnerability in Jungwon’s words. He’d never heard him sound like this before—so raw, so exposed, so utterly desperate to make things right.
“You won’t lose me,” Jay says, voice firm, hands tightening around Jungwon’s waist. “I’m not going anywhere. Even if I leave, even if I go to Oxford, that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you .”
Jungwon sniffles, tilting his head up to meet Jay’s eyes, searching for something—reassurance, maybe. Hope. “How do you know that?”
Jay smiles softly, cupping Jungwon’s damp cheek with his palm. “Because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Jungwon. And I’m not stupid enough to let that go.”
Jungwon’s lips part, his breath catching in his throat. There’s a moment—a brief moment—where Jay swears the world stills around them. The tension, the pain, the lingering traces of anger from their earlier fight, all of it seems to dissolve into that moment.
And then, Jungwon is surging forward, their lips crashing together in a kiss that is desperate and unsteady, but filled with every unspoken word, every tension between them. It tastes like salt from Jungwon’s tears, like warmth, like home.
Jay exhales against Jungwon’s lips, melting into him, into this moment—one they should have had a long time ago.
“I love you,” Jungwon whispers between kisses, voice cracking with emotion.
Jay grins, pressing his forehead to Jungwon’s, their breaths mingling in the space between them. “I know. Took you long enough to say it.”
They stand there for a while, Jay running his hands through Jungwon’s hair, trying to soothe the younger boy as well as trying to calm his own erratic heartbeat.
That night, Jay falls asleep better than he had in years.
When Jay wakes up the next morning, it’s to a warmth pressed up against his neck. Soft breathing caresses the space between his neck and his collarbones, stray strands of hair tickling his nose, but the familiar smell of coconut and strawberries was enough for him to realize that last night was not a dream, it was real.
He pulls back slightly but doesn’t even get to move an inch when he feels a pair of arms tightening around his waist, pulling him even closer than he was before. Jungwon’s face is pressed against his neck, breathing softly into Jay’s skin. His legs are tangled between his while Jay’s arm tightens its hold on his waist. He presses a shadow of a kiss onto Jungwon’s forehead.
Last night they had been so exhausted they passed out the moment they got to Jay’s room.
His window is still open, today, the fresh smell of lemons cuts through his senses and he immediately puts it together that their parents are probably making lemon pie downstairs. The wind blows in a quiet breeze through the window, cold enough for Jay to cover Jungwon’s body completely with his, afraid the younger one would catch a chill.
Despite his quick movement, he feels fingers softly thrumming against his back.
“You’re awake?” Jay whispers into his hair.
Jungwon groans softly, like he’s trying to shake sleep from his throat but the sound presses into Jay’s skin from how close Jungwon was.
“Yeah,” Jungwon says, voice muffled and Jay’s pulse jumps from the way he can feel Jungwon’s lips brushing against his bare throat.
He felt Jungwon pull back slightly, just enough for Jay to see his face and miss the warmth that was just pressing against him.
If Jay had thought Jungwon was devastatingly ethereal before, he was wrong—because right now, in the early moments of the sun’s birth, with strays of light filtering onto Jungwon’s cheek from the open window—Jay is utterly ruined .
Jungwon is unbearably celestial. He is exquisite. The sun filters golden hues onto his skin, spreading shadows along the lengths of his eyelashes, spreading its light over the soft curves of his jaw, and Jay finds himself jealous. Jealous that the sun could kiss the boy’s face so tenderly while being completely oblivious to the man so irrevocably in love beside him.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jungwon raises an eyebrow, teasing.
“Because you’re beautiful.” Jay doesn’t miss a beat, he loves the way pink piles like delicate dust onto Jungwon’s cheeks at the sudden compliment. “And I am so utterly ruined for you.”
Jungwon breath hitches softly, but Jay catches it, of course, he does, he never not be attuned to the younger male’s every action.
Before his brain even caught up, Jungwon lunged for him, slowly closing the gap between them. Then he feels it, the soft feeling of lips against his. Plush and warm. Jay lets out a shaky breath, relief washing through him as if he’d already been missing this in the few hours they’d been asleep.
“I love you.” Jungwon whispers, pulling away just slightly.
Instead of responding, Jay smiles, against his lips. From the place where his hand is tucked under the younger boy’s shirt, pressing against bare skin, he can feel the way Jungwon breaks out into goosebumps.
“Call me by your name,” Jay murmurs softly, running his hands up the back of Jungwon’s neck, massaging the skin gently, and in a hushed voice he adds “And I’ll call you by mine.”
Jungwon’s gaze finds him and in that moment, Jay swears he can see the whole world in his eyes.
“Jungwon.” He breathes out against Jay’s lips, his breath caresses the sharp of Jay’s jaw like a soft hand grazing his skin, “Jungwon, Jungwon, Jungwon.” he repeats,
“Jay.” Jay smiles softly. Not because it’s funny, not because it’s strange, but because it feels right. Because there is no boundary between them anymore, no clear line of where he ends and where Jungwon begins.
They trade names like confessions, like a thread weaving them into one. Like nothing exists outside of this moment, outside of them. There is no turning back from here on it, the world would have to rip and tear them apart to separate what their combined selves have become—one, they’ve become one . And even if the world were to rip them apart, they could never fully get every piece of Jungwon out of Jay,
Indistinguishable. Irrevocable. The same.
“How was the date?” Jay asked as they got ready that morning.
He couldn’t help himself—he had to know. Even though Jungwon was his now, the question still burned on his tongue, the jealousy not completely gone.
“What?” Jungwon throws over his shoulder from where he’s combing his hair in the bathroom.
From where he’s sat on the bed waiting, Jay swears Jungwon’s messing with him on purpose by making him repeat the question. “How was the date with Sunghoon?”
When Jungwon doesn’t answer for the next few seconds, Jay looks up. The brunette is walking out of the bathroom now, a knowing grin on his face that Jay knows means mischief.
“It was good. He was nice.” Jungwon says, mirth tinging his voice.
“He was nice enough that you stayed over for five hours?” Jay looks up to meet those brown eyes.
“Yeah,” Jungwon smirks as if he’s finding amusement in Jay’s misery.
When he makes an attempt to run his hands through Jay’s hair, the older one dodges him. He was acting like a kid now, he knows, it’s stupid but he’s always been a fool when it comes to Jungwon.
“Love, I adore you but you ought to stop with the teasing.” Jay huffs, turning his head the other way when Jungwon tries to lean down for a kiss.
“Oh but where’s the fun in that? You’re adorable.” Jungwon grins, leaning down again but this time before Jay can turn the other way, Jungwon grabs his face with both of his hands, forcing the older one to look up at him.
There’s undeniable jealousy in his eyes along with a tinge of rare pink on his cheeks. Park Jongseong blushing, Jungwon thinks, what a rare sight. “Look at me.” Jungwon smiles when he notices how Jay is avoiding eye contact. “Please, I want you to look at me,” he adds, using those round eyes to his advantage.
Hesitantly, the dark-haired male turns his head, finally looking at Jungwon.
“Sunghoon was nice, but I didn’t spend the whole night with him. We went for dinner but the whole time I couldn’t get my mind off of you—off of us. He was nice, but it felt wrong. All of it felt wrong…because, because he wasn't you, Jay. I knew the moment I walked past the gate, I fucked up so I turned back but by the time I did, you were gone.” Jungwon explains it all while keeping eye contact.
It was true, after he had lashed out so aggressively at Jay, he felt instant guilt. The look on Jay’s face after he had spat out that he liked Sunghoon, out of fury, broke Jungwon. He will never forget it, it will haunt him no matter how many times he apologizes. So he swears to himself, he would never hurt Jay like that again.
“After about an hour, he dropped me back at home but instead of coming in, I wanted to clear my mind so I went to the lake. I sat there for a good three hours before I came back, and that’s when you stormed out looking like an insanely possessive—”
Jay covers his hand over Jungwon’s mouth before the younger one can make him remember exactly how he felt last night, rushing out in the dead of night like a possessive madman. “Yeah, I think I know the rest.”
Jungwon smirks, “Like an insanely possessive boyfriend.” he finishes.
“You’re never gonna let me live that down, will you?” Jay groans, pushing away Jungwon’s hand in defeat.
“No, no I won’t.” Jungwon has a teasing look on his face before it melts into something more thoughtful, “But I have no idea why you were even jealous—he couldn’t even compare to you.”
Jay’s breathing hitches at that, he looks up only to catch Jungwon still looking at him. He’s looking at him so intensely, Jay nearly begins to squirm under the weight of his gaze.
“He’s handsome, but God, Jay, you’re breathtaking .” Jungwon breathed out quietly, his eyes seem unfocused, like he’s there but he’s also not at the same time. Jay knew the feeling all too well because that’s exactly how he felt when he looked at Jungwon.. “I love your freckles.”
Jay feels those same soft fingers trailing across the expansion of his cheeks to the high slope of his nose, “and this nose scar.” Jungwon murmurs, like he’s lost, “Beautiful.” he says it so matter-of-factly that Jay nearly begins to believe him.
Later that evening, after a long dinner, everyone gathered in the family room for their weekly Friday night tradition. They settled by the fireplace, where they'd play piano and sing, tell each other about their weeks while basking in the warmth of the flames.
The large window gives a view to the outside garden where Mother Nature weeps her tears in the form of droplets that patter gently down the glass. It started raining during noon and it has yet to stop.
Jay sits on the couch, his mother’s arms draped around his shoulders. Jungwon’s parents are on the opposite couch, both laughing at something Jay’s father said, and Jungwon—
“Okay, settle down, our Jungwonie said he’d play us a song today.” Jay’s mother says from beside him.
Jay’s head perks up at that, of the two of them, Jay had always been the one who had an interest in playing instruments, sure Jungwon would play in his free time but he never took it too seriously.
Jay tries but doesn’t catch Jungwon’s eye as he settles behind the piano. The younger boy’s lips are pursed, and there’s undeniable determination in his posture.
The room falls silent for a second before the gentle sound of the piano fills up every crevice of the place.
Jay listens in hooked to the sound of the soft, deliberate notes flowing from Jungwon’s fingers, each chord deliberate yet fluid. It’s different from what Jay expected—more confident, more full of emotion than any of the casual, offhand melodies Jungwon had played before.
And that’s when it hits him, the sound, the familiar melody—Jungwon is playing their song. And as if he realized it too, Jungwon looks up at the same time Jay does.
Their eyes meet and a soft smile blossoms on Jungwon’s face, mirroring the one on Jay’s.
What Jungwon does next though, throws Jay completely off the rails.
He begins to sing. The song from that one evening under the peach tree, but he starts from the second chorus.
“And when you play guitar I listen to the strings buzz, the metal vibrates underneath your fingers.” Something pulls in Jay’s chest, the lyrics resonating when he realizes what Jungwon’s doing.
“And when you crochet I feel mesmerized and proud.” He’s playing each key on the piano, yet his eyes never leave Jay's.
“And I would say I love you, but saying it out loud
It's hard so I won't say it at all.”
“And I won't stay very long
But you are the life I needed all along”
Jay’s heartbeat has become wild, like a bird trying to escape the confinements of his rib cages.
“I think of you as my brother
Although that sounds dumb
And words are futile devices.”
At the final key, Jay sees the wild, uncontained emotion that flurries inside Jungwon’s eyes, swirling in chaos that mirrors Jay’s, but in a blink, it’s gone. As if at that moment, he wanted Jay to see—see the devastation he had made of Yang Jungwon.
Before he could even think to say something, the sound of clapping fills the room, “Jungwonie, you’ve really surprised us,” Jay’s mom says, her voice light with admiration. “You should play more often.”
“See, I told you those lessons were working!” Jungwon’s mom exclaims from the other side, rushing to praise her son.
In that split second when the room descends into chaos—Jay catches Jungwon’s eye one more time. The brunette smiles at him and though he doesn’t say it—he doesn’t have to say it, Jay knows.
“When did you know?” Jay asks quietly.
“That I was in love with you?” Jungwon responds, his fingers carding through Jay’s hair in the way he always does.
They’re at the linden tree again, by the lake, where the afternoon air drifts lazily, carrying the cool, damp scent of water and the earthy aroma of moss-covered stones. Jay lies in his familiar spot in Jungwon’s lap.
“Funny enough, it was at this exact moment.” Jungwon laughs softly,
Now, that makes Jay look up. “What?”
“That one time months ago, when I was playing with your hair and you asked me why I kept doing that, thinking you weren’t paying attention,” Jungwon says, bunching Jay’s hair in his grip softly but hard enough to make him wince lightly.
“Really? But what was so special about that..” Jay raises an eyebrow, he was expecting to hear something bigger, something he did that was more prominent, whatever he was expecting it wasn't this .
“It wasn’t just that,” Jungwon shakes his head, realizing Jay got it wrong, “it was when you looked up at me, with that damn lazy smirk of yours.”
“But I always do that.” Jay’s nose scrunches in thought.
“Yeah, you do. That’s why I was so confused with myself that day, my heart just started pounding in a way it never did before—with anyone, and I guess I got lost in it after that.” Jungwon shrugs.
“Is that why you decided to serenade me a few days after?” Jay teases, gently holding Jungwon’s hands and tracing the lines of his palm.
“Oh, that .” Jungwon chuckles, almost shyly, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” He pauses for a moment, then adds, “But I didn’t sing the next two lines... Did you notice that?”
Jay’s mind drifts back to that evening, and it suddenly hits him. Jungwon hadn’t sung the next lines—the ones that said: I do love you
Oh.
Oh.
“But what about you?” The younger one asks, pulling Jay out of his revelation. “When did it hit you?”
“Hmm, well, I don’t think it ever hit me all at once—I think I just gradually came to realize my feelings. Loving you wasn’t a sudden revelation, it was something that quietly settled into me over time. It wasn’t an explosion; it was like a soft, steady pull. Loving you was…familiar. Like I’ve said before, Jungwon, loving you is all I’ve ever known. I don’t remember what it felt like to not be in love with you.” Jay finishes, bringing Jungwon’s hands to his mouth, brushing his knuckles against his lips.
“Now that I’m starting to think about it, I think I was the same,” Jungwon says, blinking rapidly and Jay knows it’s because his feelings are becoming overwhelming in the same way Jay feels his own chest straining.
Telling Jungwon he loves him will never be enough, Jay thinks, because words are futile devices.
But from just looking at him Jay knows Jungwon can feel it, the love that sits heavily in his chest that it begins to fester.
He brings Jungwon’s hands from his lips down to the left side of his chest, right at his heart. He holds them there for a moment, feeling the steady beat of his heart against Jungwon’s palm.
“Words aren't enough, but this... this is how I love you.” His voice is barely a whisper.
Jungwon’s fingers tighten around his chest, and for Jay, it is more than enough.