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Lexa was shaking, head to toe staring at her bed. Titus was across the room, his head in his hands while the guards bustled around the room.
The smell alone was enough to make Lexa vomit. But it had only been a few days ago she was softly kissing those lips. The sight in front of her had unrooted her, they were getting exactly what they wanted. Azgeda wanted her on her toes, to doubt her own decisions, her own mind.
I’ll forget you
Titus’ mantra echoed through her brain. “Love is weakness, Lexa.”
The more you stay inside of me, the weaker I grow
“I did this to her.” It was quiet, hardly enough for anyone to hear above the fussing of the guards. She retreated further into herself.
Tomorrow I will turn and let you go
Costia was gone. No doubt tortured before they cut off her head. How could Lexa have let herself become so weak? “To be Commander is to be alone.” The words bubbled up like acid from her stomach. How can you allow yourself not to love? What kind of person does that?
“A leader, the Commander, Heda does that. Heda is strong, she is alone.” The words were being fed to her brain each time she closed her eyes. She wanted to shut out the look left on Costia’s tortured face.
I’ll grow colder.
I’ll lose myself in anything, but you now.
She took a deep breath, the voices of the Commanders filled her skull, rattling with their own opinions.
“This must be answered.”
“Jus drein, jus daun.”
“War with Azgeda.”
Lexa opened her eyes, seeing a guard trying to lift Costia from the bed by her braids. “NO! Out, now.”
“Heda, I must insist.”
“Titus, out, now.”
She waited until the doors shut behind her. Her room had never felt so cold, so haunted. Lexa approached the bed, kneeling at the side. Her fingers threaded through the soft braids she knew so well. She tried to close Costia’s eyes, but the lids were already too stiff with rigor mortis and she was left staring into eyes she had once loved. They were no longer Costia’s eyes. She didn’t want to remember her this way. Costia had been so warm, so soft. She was real. This pain, this pain was not real.
Lexa’s body numbed slowly. It started with her fingertips, they could no longer feel the cold beneath them and it spread. Her knees were numb next, leaving her paralyzed at the side of the bed. The only pain left to feel was the stinging of her cheeks, each time a new tear fell. She let herself collapse forward, her forehead resting on the furs.
For there is nothing I can do now
But forget
Lexa swallowed down the bile filling her throat. Her jaw stiffened, stopping the quivering she hadn’t realized was happening. She took a deep breath and let Costia’s hair slip from her fingers. Heaving herself up to her feet, Lexa squared her shoulders and wiped her face. Her forehead piece was still in place.
“That’s more like it. Heda doesn’t need anyone.” The voice that she recognized as the second Commander filled her head.
“Shof op. Let me be.” She said in reply and walked away from the bed and to the doors. She threw them open and greeted Titus and the guards. “Take care of this mess. Call the War Council. There is much to discuss.”
“Do you think that wise, Heda?”
“I am not in the mood to argue, Teacher. Please do as I ask.”
I won’t remember arms that pulled me in soft and slow.
Lexa stood watching Clarke at the pyre where Finn awaited his fate. She scowled inwardly at her weakness. How could watching Clarke embrace Finn trigger such a memory?
She couldn’t believe she told Clarke about Costia. She never spoke of her, and yet, this girl who fell from the sky seemed to be pulling her memories of Costia out of her. Lexa made the effort to keep her jaw firmly placed and strong as she repeated the mantra “Love is weakness, Clarke.”
There has to be a way to let you go.
Lexa turned to leave before the bile rose again. She cursed her own mind for its inability to let her go. She shuddered. Why was Costia so present in her mind? She had this fluttering feeling back in her stomach, she hadn’t felt since the days before the Conclave.
Why was that feeling back?
The forest floor was cold and damp, but keeping watch was important. Clarke deserved a rest, she had fought so brilliantly today. The strength in her heart was apparent to Lexa. Clarke refused to leave her behind. She sat in the grass pondering Clarke’s actions as she watched her sleep. Her stomach and chest rising with each passing breath. Lexa caught herself finding comfort in how Clarke could be so vulnerable with her. When Clarke woke with a start, it was instinctual to comfort her. Lexa found the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. “I was wrong about you, Clarke. Your heart shows no sign of weakness.” She stared into the blue eyes in front of her, letting herself be taken in by the swell of their beauty.
No more shadows
No dreams of leaning in the dark above you
The dreams had started again. Only this time, Clarke was underneath her. Clarke was filling her thoughts, her golden hair and bright eyes becoming a beacon for Lexa. Clarke had believed she was heartless. She said it to her face. Lexa’s cold, unfeeling exterior was solid, but on the inside she was melting. At first it had seemed Clarke had much to learn about being a leader from Lexa. Yet, through each encounter with Clarke at her side, Lexa felt she was learning from Clarke. Seeing new ways of navigating situations. She wanted to learn from Clarke.
Each time Clarke was informing her of the ways of Skaikru, the Commanders were in her head.
“Our way is the right way.”
“Heda must lead by our principles”
“Jus drein jus daun.”
“But what if there was another way? Just once?” She let her own words ring through her head. The voices were silent for a minute, before the uproar began anew. She sat up and shut them out.
“You should rest, Clarke.”
Clarke was backing her up, her words were stinging Lexa’s heart. Piercing it. How could Clarke know her so well? How vulnerable had she allowed herself to become? How weak could Clarke make her?
Lexa’s back hit the table, the contact woke her up. She had become transfixed on Clarke’s eyes. Everything that Clarke had just said hit her, the dreaded unwanted feelings bubbling up. “GET. OUT.”
And even as Lexa said the words, she regretted it. Clarke’s points were all valid. Lexa was simply dismissing her in an effort to get ahold of herself. Clarke continued to burrow deep into her eyes. There was no sign of weakness in those blue eyes. It seemed there was only anger where there had once been something sweet. What was all this doing to Clarke? Could Clarke not see how she cared?
“Not everyone. Not you.” Lexa simultaneously felt walls going up and tumbling down inside herself as she searched Clarke’s eyes. She tried to hide, but it was pointless. Those eyes were a part of her now. She saw them shining in the darkness behind her own closed lids each night.
It was the Commanders that helped her answer Clarke’s next question. “I can’t do that.”
“How could you trust this Sky girl?”
“We know nothing of her people.”
“They’ve done nothing but attack us. What makes her any different than the others?”
As Clarke tore out of the tent, the Commanders flooded her brain. She swallowed the tears and took a deep breath, their strategizing almost comforting in its familiarity.
When Clarke came back into the tent, the Commanders had been quiet. She had pushed them into the background and let her own reasoning mind handle this matter. “I do trust you.” It was from her own mind this time. She did. She wanted to trust Clarke.
“I know how hard that is for you” were Clarke’s words and Lexa found herself wishing Clarke could truly understand. How with every decision came not just the weight of her people, the rationalizing of her own mind, but the input of each and every Commander before her. Clarke would never know. No one knew. Not even Titus understood completely. No one else would understand until she was long gone.
But how she wished Clarke could know. She wanted to share so much more with Clarke. The feelings were overwhelming. They were getting harder and harder to control. She was tired. Lexa was exhausted, her people were surviving, but was she really?
“Maybe life should about more than just surviving. Don’t we deserve better than that?”
If she had bothered to let them in she was sure the Commanders would have been screeching. But Clarke was right. She watched Clarke fiddle with something on the table before her eyes fell to Clarke’s lips. She couldn’t look away. “Maybe we do.”
Lexa let her guard down completely, her feelings swelling like a tidal wave. They only came in for their crash landing when her lips met Clarke’s. Nothing had felt this right. No sound mattered but the sound of their breaths meeting.
When Clarke pulled away, and said she wasn’t ready, all of the mantras came back.
“She can’t love you.
You’re supposed to be alone.
Push her away.
Love is weakness.”
All Lexa could do was nod. If she tried to do more the tears would slip out.
I will forget how much I love you, any day.
She was grateful for the alert of the signal that came moments later.
Watching Clarke inform her people of the plan of attack was adding salt to her wound. Clarke had her hypnotized with her ability as a leader. It was true, she could learn much from them in Polis, but Lexa could learn from her, too.
Every evening shivers with the chance that you are near
Lexa found herself longing to wake up next Clarke, to hold her close. But Clarke wasn’t ready for any of that, not yet.
And every morning whispers Clarke is here
The attack on the mountain had been going so well. She ran off to take care of the shooters on the ridge, but found Emerson presenting a deal instead. The Commanders infiltrated her mind.
“Our people matter most.”
“But...”
“We are more important than the Skaikru.”
“You’re asking me to betray Clarke.”
“No alliance is worth risking losing our people inside of that mountain. Think with your head, Heda.”
“Or has your heart been too weakened by the pathetic Sky Girl?”
“My HEART is NOT weak.”
Each moment is a fight, not to rush into your light
Clarke couldn’t be close to her anyway. How could she have dreamed of Polis with Clarke? It was foolish. Clarke would not be Costia. Lexa wouldn’t let that happen. Clarke would be safer without her. She took the deal, securing her people at the cost of losing Clarke’s.
Clarke’s face told her everything she needed to know. She knew Clarke wouldn’t forgive her for this. Possibly ever.
“But I made this decision with my head, not my heart.” The words felt weighted with the opinions of the Commanders as they left her lips.
“May we meet again.” She turned her back on Clarke. She was incredibly conflicted internally with those words. She wished she would meet Clarke again, but at the same time, for Clarke’s safety, she hoped not.
Not to move closer, but to make you disappear.
Lexa was back in Polis before the news of the mountain had really spread. She tried to take some time for herself, but of course Titus would have none of it. He had her back to training with the Nightbloods. The work distracted her, but Clarke still hadn’t left her mind. Word spread to Polis of Clarke’s actions. The Mountain Men were gone. Wiped out by Clarke. Lexa smiled to herself, proud of her little Sky Girl, who had found a way out of quite the predicament. Lexa scolded herself for her feelings.
I have to find the strength to pull away from your glow
When Wanheda was found and brought into her throne room, she tried to swallow her feelings. She was scared of how Clarke would react. Even with the spit dripping down her face and the sight of Clarke filthier than ever, Lexa found her resolve wavering. She didn’t want to let her go.
“Clarke elevates herself. She’s special.” It was true, Lexa knew it in her bones. Still she kept trying to keep her walls up. If only for Clarke’s sake.
I’ll forget you, God help me see a way to let you go
The knife at her throat meant more to Lexa than Clarke knew. She saw how her actions had damaged Clarke. All at once she wished she could bring Clarke back into the light, but she knew Clarke had to find her way herself. She wanted to hold her hand, and tell her it would be okay. But there was no way for Lexa to know it would be okay. She hated seeing Clarke like this. She had made her this. This was Lexa’s doing. It rippled through her body, even as she stood still facing the knife.
I do not want you
She argued with herself. It would have been easier to do all this if she didn’t love Clarke. She could let go! She could move on. If only she could convince herself she didn’t want Clarke.
Clarke was bowing before her. Hair in braids, gowned and face painted. Her feeling washed over her, even as she lifted her head proudly accepting Wanheda’s surrender.
And still you steal each breath I’m breathing from me
As she knelt before Clarke, it felt as though she was righting her wrongs. Not undoing, but helping to heal the hurt she caused Clarke. She wished she had never had to harm her. Clarke was the only person left who could understand her. She listened. Yes, she could argue relentlessly, but it was refreshing to have someone stand up to her. To have someone not bend at her will. Not fall under the spell of Heda. As she knelt, swearing fealty, she didn’t feel as she was only bowing as Heda. She felt herself bowing to Clarke as Lexa. Asking for forgiveness somehow, and then Clarke reached for her hand.
With just a touch you overcome me
Clarke didn’t just stand up for her, she stood by her. Clarke worries about her people. Introducing Aden to Clarke was supposed to help Clarke feel more secure. It seemed to have the opposite effect desired. Lexa watched Clarke leave the room, pondering Clarke’s words. She doesn’t want me to die. She’s worried I will die today. And now she’s not speaking to me.
When Clarke comes back, she’s covered in Nightblood. Something Lexa never wanted to see. Of course Nia has been hiding a Nightblood. Of course everything in is in question now. Azgeda, again getting in between her and her happiness. Consistently. It throttles her, her rage boiling.
“You’re driven to fix everything for everyone, but you can’t fix this.”
“I won’t just sit there and watch you die!”
How was it possible Clarke could shake her with words, every time she spoke? Lexa swallowed hard, swallowing down the response she wanted to give Clarke. “I don’t want to live without you either.”
“I’m scared too Clarke.”
“You have no idea how you simultaneously shake my world to its core and fill it with life.”
But all she had left to say was “Then this is goodbye, for now.”
The fight was over, Lexa’s wounds had been tended, too. There was only one place she wanted to be. Her feet padded lightly over to Clarke’s door, where even her softest knock felt too loud. She was greeted by Clarke in the robe she had picked out for her. Lexa knew the blue would bring out her eyes. She had been right.
Sitting across from Clarke, the magnetic pull Lexa felt towards her was obvious. Their words were soft, as Clarke tended so carefully to Lexa’s wounded hand. When Clarke says good night to her in Trigedasleng it’s enough to have Lexa swooning in her mind. She quiets the Commanders before they can add commentary. They should be proud of what she had accomplished today. They didn’t need to have any weight in this.
Instead Lexa surrenders the control she is desperately seeking to Clarke, and leaves the room. Reluctantly, to say the least. As she tip toes back to her room she can’t help but marvel at how Clarke can leave her utterly powerless. It terrifies her, just how much Lexa loves Clarke.
And I let you
The battlefield is strewn with the bodies of her people. She wants to hold Clarke prisoner, even though she knows Clarke had nothing to do with this. The Commanders are screaming as Clarke leaves for Arkadia.
“Jus drein jus daun. It must be answered. It must be done.”
Lexa was screaming, “Please, just let her come back. Let her come back unharmed.”
She paces all day, panicked about Clarke. It drives the convalescing Indra mad. But she has to do something. If she tried to meditate she knows she’ll be met with the angry faces of the Commanders and they are exactly the last thing she wants to see. She wants to keep her own mind in this conversation. How can they ever find peace if every massacre is answered with yet another? When will it end? How can there ever be a chance of survival, if there is no hope for peace?
When Clarke returns, Lexa is given only a minor reprieve. She can allow herself one breath to fill her stale, panicked lungs. But the new air is immediately sucked out as the choice hangs in the air.
“I’m not considering it. I’m doing it.”
She watched Clarke’s face, it was the light that could drown out the Commanders voices in her head. “Blood must not have blood.”
Clarke wasn’t just the Sky Girl anymore. She was not Wanheda. She was giving Lexa the chance for a new legacy, the hope for a world where maybe Heda would not have to be ruthless. Where maybe Heda didn’t have to stand alone.
I CAN’T forget you
The dream scared her. It left her breathless. The Commanders were angry, they flashed their deaths before her eyes. Warning her there would be consequences for her actions. And yet, it was Clarke who was there to hold her, to bring her back to reality. Clarke, grounding her.
The drawing sat on the chair and Clarke tried to hide it. But Lexa stared at the drawing, seeing herself through Clarke’s eyes. She seemed so soft. The forehead piece wasn’t in the drawing. Lexa thought maybe she was right. Clarke could see past the Heda exterior. She knew Lexa was separate, a different mind, and a different person when she took off that forehead piece. When she let her walls down. She was about to ask Clarke when they were so rudely interrupted by yet another box from Azgeda.
She was furious with Clarke. How could Clarke be so against answering the massacre, and yet want revenge for HER people. Could she not see how the two contradicted themselves? All the while the Commanders had their own thoughts. Lexa bickered with them.
“Who do you think you are? Betraying our customs, our ways?”
“Why can’t you see peace as an option?”
“The Skaikru will never understand our ways, they should be wiped out.”
“This helps no one. Shouldn’t we try to find a way to exist together?”
“They hid, while we suffered. We deserve this Earth. Jus drein jus daun is the only way.”
When Clarke allowed Lexa to banish Emerson, Lexa breathed a sigh of relief. She stood behind her policy. Blood would no longer be answered with blood. It was time for a change.
The attempt on her life brought back the reality of the dreams. The Commanders were right, something had to be done. She imposed the blockade for her safety, and for Clarke’s. She knew Clarke had to go home. She knew their happiness would be short lived. She couldn’t believe it was coming to an end.
Or I’ll die.
“I AM MORE THAN CAPABLE OF SEPARATING FEELINGS FROM DUTY!”
The words echoed in her brain, she hoped the Commanders were listening. She was tired of this. She was tired of being alone! She deserved to be happy. She deserved to have love. Clarke was her love, and she had just separated them indefinitely for the safety of her people. Clearly this was not an issue.
She was tired of swallowing her feelings. She wanted someone to understand her. She wanted someone to hold her.
When Clarke came into her room to say goodbye, Lexa knew it was over. She was ready to part forever.
“May we meet again.” She extended her arm, and Clarke grasped it tightly. Tighter than Lexa had been expecting. When Clarke pulled her into a kiss, all of her feelings swelled, flooding over anew. Clarke felt like home. How could they be apart? Why did they wait so long for this? She loves Clarke.
SHE LOVES CLARKE
I WON’T forget you.
Clarke was tickling her back and trying to make conversation. Lexa just wanted to stay in bed forever. She knew Clarke needed to go. In all honesty, she was shocked Octavia hadn’t busted in past the guards already.
“We don’t have to talk at all”
There it was, Lexa rolled back over, eager to embrace Clarke in her arms once again.
As the setting sun flooded the room with the last of its red rays, Clarke tried to slip away, collecting her clothing. Lexa sat up, feeling the loss of heat in the bed.
“Do you really have to go?”
“You know I need to be on the other side of the blockade before dawn. I’m sure Octavia is already furious.” Clarke dressed quickly and leaned over the bed to kiss Lexa. She turned, not wanting to ruin the moment with words and headed towards the door.
“Wait!” Lexa cried, tears spilling down her cheeks once again. She dashed from the bed to the door, trying to pull Clarke's hand away from the knob. “Clarke, we’re about to be on two sides of war for who only knows how long. Please, don’t go. Stay here.”
“I can’t Lexa, you know that.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go either, but… this isn’t easy for me, Lexa!” She tried to open the door.
Lexa pushed it closed. She hadn’t wrapped herself in anything, she was left naked, standing in front of Clarke. She had never felt so open with anyone in her life. She and Clarke had shared everything in those few hours. Clarke had to know this wasn’t easy for her either. Lexa needed Clarke to know…
“Clarke, I love you.”
Clarke let go of the door knob and wrapped Lexa up in her arms. Lexa still towered over her. She pulled her close even still, letting Lexa’s head rest in the crook of her neck. Lexa’s tears were soaking the shoulder of her shirt as Clarke stroked her hair. “I love you, Lexa.” Clarke lifted Lexa’s head and used her hands to frame Lexa’s face. “This war will not end us. We are stronger because we have each other.”
Lexa’s lips were quivering, Clarke was pretty sure from the emotion and not from the fact that Lexa still stood naked in front of her. Lexa tried to nod, her hands desperately clinging to Clarke’s shirt in balled fists.
“Now, what did you first try and tell me about love, Lexa?”
“Love…” Her voice was shaking from her crying. She couldn’t let Clarke leave. How can they say goodbye now? “Love is… Love is weakness.” She finally got the words out and they left her body wracking with sobs. Her hands pulling at Clarke’s shirt. Tears were rolling down Clarke’s face now, too even as she tried to wipe Lexa’s away and hold her head up.
“Now,” Clarke tried to get Lexa to look into her eyes. “Lexa,” Lexa was still shaking her head, refusing to meet Clarke’s gaze. “Lexa, that’s not true. Always remember. Our love is our strength.”
Lexa looked up, green eyes meeting the blue ones they called home. “Our love is our strength.”
“You have me now, Lexa. You’re stuck with me for good. No war is going to change that. I love you.”
They shared one last tearful hug and kiss before Clarke finally scooped Lexa up and carried her back to the bed. She laid her down gently and covered her in the furs. Lexa reached out and grabbed Clarke’s hand, gripping it tightly. “Clarke, I’ve never felt so strong in my life.”
Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand and kissed her forehead. She got to the door and turned around, looking at Lexa one last time. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Lexa fell asleep thinking “Our love is our strength.”
For once, the Commanders were truly silent. Lexa thought, maybe she taught them something for once. Or maybe Clarke had taught them. Either way.
I WON’T FORGET YOU.