Archive of Our Own

The Journal of Aleryn Vadorath

Official Seeker Log: Terminus

Approved Reading Only

Days Since Entering Terminus: 7

Entry #3

I feel like I’m going to explode.

Okay, that might be something of an exaggeration. I do not feel as though I’m physically going to blow up. That would be absurd. I have survived plenty of dangers in my life, most of them far worse than what I went through in the last twenty-four hours.

That being said, somehow this feels worse. Even now as I type, I feel…Well, a lot, actually. I feel scared for what this means about my future. Horrified that I even allowed this to happen at all. Humiliated on every level possible. And of course, I’m ashamed that I wasn’t able to hold myself to better standards.

Part of me wants to say that I’m overreacting. Maybe I am. Maybe this will all blow over like she says it will. Maybe in a few days we’ll look back on this entire situation and laugh. Or maybe I’ll never be able to show my face in Pelacis again. Time will tell.

But I suppose that’s enough stalling. I need to write down what happened--in all its detail. Less for posterity’s sake--I highly doubt I’ll forget any of this--and more to come to terms with it. Perhaps, over the course of making this journal entry, I’ll be a little less frustrated with myself.

One can only hope.

So, let me set the scene: It all began yesterday. It had been four days since my little jungle adventure with Nevani and the marrow monkeys. I had, through a combination of personal hard work and commanding my new simian allies, managed to fix Kai’s roof within a day.

It was surprisingly easy, all things considered. Kai held true to her word and agreed to teach me the ways of the dukar. We spent the next several days in private lessons between her, myself, and Lei, where I started my studies in earnest.

To say that I was eager would be an understatement. I’ve always been a proper student. I do my best work in a classroom setting, reading books or listening to lectures, taking notes and applying my research to my work. Some say that makes me a ‘nerd’. I consider it to be the hallmarks of a studious and well-trained mind.

Anyway, on day six of my being in Terminus, I was in the middle of one of my classes with Kai. Let’s start there and head forward, shall we?

We were all situated in Kai’s living room. It was a humble living area, connected to the nearby kitchen and the doorway leading outside the cabin. The decor consists of a couch, which Lei and I were sitting on, a fluffy chair to the side that Kai sat on, a coffee table covered in various books and journals, and several shelves covered in dozens of little knickknacks, potions, and enchanted items.

Kai reclined back in her seat, levitating a cup of tea to her lips. She took a sip, then smiled as she set it aside. “Now Aleryn,” she began. “Please summarize the four Orders of the Dukars. Spare no detail. I want to know what you have learned.”

I nodded, tapping a button on my tablet to hide the screen before closing my eyes. I had all the information effectively memorized--I didn’t need to check my notes, a fact that I’m more than a little proud of. I may not be in school anymore, but my study methods are still second to none.

“First is the Jhimari,” I started, “Founded by the triton warrior maiden Jhimar. Note that she used an ancient form of the tritonic naming scheme, lacking the traditional feminine ‘-yn’ suffix. This shows how far back the order goes.”

I ran my fingers along my tablet as I continued, leaning my head up as I kept my eyes closed. “The Jhimari were wizard-knights, with red coral that they turned into powerful weapons of battle. They kept the peace in Serôs, but they were destroyed in -150 T.S., or -220 D.R. for surface-dwellers. Their lore and powers are now held only by the Numosi Order, who I’ll get to later.”

“Very good,” Kai encouraged. “I’m surprised you remember the dates so easily. Go on, explain the others.”

“Next are the Kupavi,” I continued, “Formed by the sea elf Kupav. These dukars with blue coral defended the Orders from harm, and kept their cities safe. They specialized in defensive magic due to this. Their primary goal is the defense of the aquatic city of Myth Natar.

“Then there is the Maalirni, created by the storm giant Maalirn. These are the dukar spies, focusing on summoning and divination. They watch the seas for signs of trouble, then dispatch further dukars to deal with it. They act as scholars, seeking to learn more about the world and regain ancient powers for the sake of peace. They have green coral.

“Finally, there is the Numosi Order, created by a rare good-aligned morkoth, Numos. She created the Numosi with the interest of discovering new knowledge, as opposed to relearning the old with the Maalirni. They can learn the most coral abilities, master the powers of illusion and necromancy, and have white coral.” I peeked open my eyes. “They’re also the Order you belong to.”

Kai nodded. “Indeed. Well done, Aleryn. Seems I have no reason to be worried about your skill as a student.”

“You did better than I did when I first started,” Lei said. She frowned, squinting at me a little as she went on, “You sure you didn’t cheat?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “No cheating. I’ve just learned a few proper study habits when I was younger. When it comes to recalling information, I was among the best in my class. I could teach you, if you would like.”

“Sounds kinda boring,” Lei admitted. “I’d rather see you fight. Oooh, or bring back those marrow monkeys, they were really cool.”

“I’d rather not abuse my power as troop leader for no reason,” I told her. “That’s how revolutions start, after all. Actually, a similar situation happened in ancient Aegrisia. You see, it started when--”

I was interrupted by a sudden knock at the front door. Across from me, Kai flashed a hint of a smile. “Oh my, I wasn’t expecting company. Aleryn, would you mind getting the door? I believe you’ll be interested in seeing who it is.”

I frowned. This sounded a little like a set-up, but I wasn’t going to refuse a direct order from my teacher. “...Alright. I’ll be right back then.” I stood up and made my way over to the front door, pulling it open. “How may I…” My words trailed away as my eyes fell upon the sight before me.

Standing on the cabin porch was none other than Nevani. The lavender Cinderblood looked much as she did when I saw her last, with white Infernal tattoos, ram-like horns, bat wings, and a pointed tail. However, she wore a radically different outfit, a nice-looking white blouse with a mint green skirt that went down to her ankles, bearing little soothing designs along its hem.

It was a lovely outfit, certainly, but it’s not the kind of clothing you wear just to visit a friend; it seemed more formal than that. Of course, most of my focus was actually on the item in her hands: a bouquet of big and beautiful blue-and-red flowers, held together with string.

I, naturally, only had the most eloquent of responses to what I was seeing.

“You have flowers.” My statement was straight-forward, direct. I tried to sound interested, focusing my tone with a light touch to appear less monotone, though it’s hard to say if I succeeded.

“Very observant,” Nevani said, flashing a grin. “They’re for you, actually. Don’t know if tritons care for flowers, but I figured I might as well go all the way if I’m doing this.”

She held out the flowers to me. I took them, gently, and gave them a curious sniff. They smelled nice--though I could see little skull-like symbols in the petals, which worried me a little. “They’re very nice,” I told her. “Though now I’m curious. What’s the occasion?”

Nevani ran a hand over her hair, brushing aside stray strands of black hair. Now that she drew attention to it, I noticed that her hair was in a much less chaotic state than before. Last time I saw her, it was disorganized, like she didn’t care much for how it looked, but now it had been refined into a cutesy pixie-bob style, with an emphasis on her natural curls.

She looked me in the eyes, and I would later be struck by how calm she was. She had no fear, no hesitation, even with the awkward question she was about to ask me. The whole while she kept this serene, carefree smile on her features, like this was easy for her. Maybe it was.

“Funny you should ask,” she said. “See, every year around this time, we Cinderbloods host a party. It’s a little celebration about friendships, romance--you know, our relationships with others, people we’re close to. It’s called the Devotion Festival, and I’d like you to accompany me to it. If you want, that is.”

The moment she finished explaining the festival, I could feel a shiver run down my spine. A feeling of dread washed over me, sudden and powerful, leaving me feeling almost winded from how unexpected it was. “You…What?”

Nevani chuckled. “You look like I handed you an execution order instead of a bouquet. What’s wrong, Nyrie? I’m not that bad company, am I?”

I shook my head, hoping that I could also shake off the feelings of worry that were growing in my chest. “No! No, it’s just--” I fumbled for a moment, trying to think of what to say. With Nevani looking straight at me, I felt my anxiety skyrocket. Eventually I just sighed, shoulders drooping, and said, “Could we talk about this inside? I can get you something to drink.”

Nevani shrugged. “Alright. Lead on.”

I turned and walked back into the cabin, with Nevani following close behind. As we passed the living room, I noticed both Kai and Lei eyeing me with certain smug expressions. I decided I would ask them if they knew about this later, once I knew what was going on.

I led Nevani into the living room-adjacent kitchen and set the bouquet on the counter. I started rummaging about the fridge (a strange device that continues to impress me). As I did, I said, “So this ‘Devotion Festival’. Why exactly are you inviting me and not…anybody else?”

Behind me, Nevani took a seat at the table. “What? We’re friends, aren’t we? Why can’t I invite you?”

“I didn’t say you can’t, but I’m naturally suspicious of this kind of thing. People typically don’t invite me to parties.” My eyes ran over the contents of the fridge, noting various foods, drinks, and snacks. “Tea? Soda?”

“I’ll never say no to caffeine.” Nevani leaned back in her seat, her wings fluttering behind her. “And how come? I bet you’d be great at parties.”

I grabbed a liter of soda--Mr. Mithral--as well as a pair of cups from the cupboard. “I’m not popular enough at parties. I’m not good with people and socialization isn’t my forte. Closest thing to a party I ever went to that wasn't school- or family-related was a fifty person camping trip where we hunted each other for sport. So I tend not to trust these sorts of invitations.”

I set the cups down on the table and started pouring drinks. Nevani watched the bubbling brown liquid cascade into her cup with hungry eyes. “Remind me to ask you more about that camping trip. But anyway, there’s no trick if that’s what you’re asking. This won’t be some elaborate ploy to embarrass you or something, vis-à-vis a TV show.”

“I didn’t think that was the case, but thank you for your honesty.” I set the liter down and took my cup, taking an immediate, quick gulp. The beverage burned a little, but it was nice. I won’t lie, I spend a lot of my days drinking this stuff now. I can’t help it. “However, I do suspect you have an ulterior motive. If this is a day celebrating friends and romantic partners, why invite someone you barely know?”

“Maybe I want to get to know you better?” Nevani took a sip of the soda, then flashed a smile. “And I mean, even if I did have an ulterior motive, what’s the harm? End result is the same.”

“It would ease my thoughts.” I took a seat across from Nevani, leaning forward and crossing my arms over each other. I didn’t mention my own hidden reasoning for asking these questions. It was more than a little embarrassing to admit.

Though I suppose there’s no reason to hide it here. The truth is, I was scared. Nevani asking me out to this party felt a lot like what I’ve been told a date is like. I was terrified of the idea that she wanted to start a romantic endeavor. I’ve never dated before (big shocker, I know), and the whole idea was scary. Especially if such an act would endanger our budding friendship.

There. Confession over. Let’s pray it stays on this tablet and nowhere else. Anyway, back to the story.

Nevani shook her head, looking less annoyed and more concerned. “Fine, have it your way. If you must know, my ulterior motive is fully unrelated to you. See, I have a friend back in town. He has a crush on one of our other friends, but he’s a bit timid. He doesn’t want to act on it. I convinced him to ask the friend out to the festival, but he gave me a condition.”

“You had to ask someone else out too, so he wouldn’t be alone,” I surmised.

“Exactly. I don’t have many people I feel comfortable asking, so I thought I’d take a stab at you.”

I frowned, suddenly worried about the silverware laying next to her hand. “Take a…stab at?”

“Means I’m taking a chance on you.” Nevani took another big gulp of her soda before setting it down. “So, now you know the stakes I’m carrying for this one. I need a date for the festival, and I figured this would be the perfect way for you to repay the favor for the other day. Perfect opportunity, right? So, are you in?”

If I’m being honest, I felt conflicted. On one side, thank goodness this didn’t have any larger emotional stakes. This was a ploy to manipulate her friends. I can work with that, that’s easy.

On the other hand, I felt a little intimidated by some of her wording. The implication she felt more comfortable asking me over others--was that due to liking me a considerable amount, or a lack of suitable friends in her village? I didn’t want to damage our fledgling friendship by taking on more than I can chew.

However, she did have a point. I did owe her a favor, and we did agree to hang out more. I just pictured it being…Well, anything but this.

I stared into my cup, as though I could see the outcome of this decision through the Mr. Mithral. “I suppose that’s a valid way of returning the favor…But I have to ask. What are the conditions of this festival? What should I wear? What will we be doing?”

“All reasonable questions,” Nevani assured me. “First of all, I planned ahead for you not having an outfit. I was gonna head somewhere to get something to wear, I figured you could come with me. As for what we’ll be doing, well, it’s mostly just hanging out. A feast, some dancing, a bit of singing, a few games. That’s not a problem, is it?”

Technically it didn’t sound bad, but it didn’t sound good either. It sounded like I would be forced out of my comfort zone and have to sing, dance, and talk to people, few of which I’m particularly good at.

That said, I didn’t want to say no. Even with my various socialization hangups, problems working with people, and inherent shyness…I couldn’t just say no. That would disappoint Nevani. And if there’s one thing that I hate, it’s disappointing people. I could feel my own heart fold in over itself at the mere thought that she might give a dejected sigh and say, Thanks anyway, I’ll just find someone else. :(

…Do normal people do that? Just have hyper-intensive consciences? This is horrible, I hate it. Why can’t I be like every other triton kid and be fine with anything short of murder? Why do I have to care what people think of me?

Ugh. Whatever. That’s another problem to unpack at a later date. I decided to push all those thoughts aside and focus on her answer. What should I say?

I downed the rest of my drink as if that would give me the nerves I needed, then set the cup aside. “Well…I wouldn’t say I’m experienced in any of that, sans eating and dancing. But I’m not about to break a promise. If this is how you want me to repay you, alright. I’ll go to the festival with you.”

Nevani offered me a gentle smile. “Thanks, but really, if this makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to. You seem, uh, pretty uncomfortable.”

I shrugged. “I’m always uncomfortable. At the very least, this seems like a good cause, and I might even enjoy it. Though I’ll need to explain to Kai that I need the day off from my studies.”

Now it was Nevani’s turn to gaze into her drink. “Right, about that…”

“She knows already, doesn’t she?”

“I asked her if it was a good idea--she told me to go for it.”

“Right. That explains why Lei is staring at us like we’re pieces of meat.” I glanced over to the living room, where Lei was doing exactly that. I gave her a wave, then turned back to Nevani. “So, since everyone supposedly involved with this decision is in agreement, I guess we shouldn’t waste any time.” I stood up, then looked to Nevani. “Shall we?”

“Of course.” Nevani stood up and smiled. “Thanks Aleryn. This means a lot to me. I promise, nothing will go wrong.”

“It’s concerning that you need to promise that, but alright.” I chuckled. “By all means, lead on.”

And so, we left for Pelacis. By now, I had visited the village there on a few occasions, mostly on errands for Kai in-between lessons, so heading there now was becoming something of a routine. Walk across the beach, take the ferry, walk along another beach until you reach the Cinderbloods. It’s more time-consuming than anything else, but I enjoy the walk.

This time, the journey was filled with casual conversation. Nevani and I were still in the stages of trying to get to know each other--since our adventure with the marrow monkeys, we had only seen each other during three of my visits to Pelacis, each time short and concise. As such, the conversation was simple and awkward, amounting mostly to small talk.

Eventually, we reached the Cinderblood’s village. The moment we were there, Nevani gestured for me to follow her. “C’mon, the clothing store is just this way.” I followed her down to a hut around the center of town. It looked fairly simple, mostly differentiated by the others through a wooden sign that read Rolnan’s Fashion Emporium, with drawn images of tieflings wearing fancy gowns and suits.

“This does pose a question,” I said as I stopped to examine the sign. It took me a while to read it, mostly due to my trouble translating written Common. “Your village is pretty small--is it practical to have a clothing shop here?”

“Rolnan doesn’t just sell clothes,” Nevani explained to me. “They also repair them, dye them, adjust them--whatever needs to be done. It’s their passion. They wanted to do that ever since they were a kid, I hear.”

“Passion,” I repeated. Something about that idea struck at me, but I wasn’t sure why. I made a conscious choice to ignore it. I turned away from the sign and said, “So, do we just…go inside?”

“Pretty much, yeah. Follow me.” Nevani went into the hut and I followed. I had been in surfacer shops a few times before, mostly in Red Larch, so I figured I’d have a good idea of what it would be like inside. The Red Larch stores were mostly disorganized and chaotic. A mess that was hard to browse in due either to a difficulty in sorting their wares or a lack of caring to. Yes, I’m talking about Vallivoe. He can’t hear me, I can say what I want.

However, Rolnan’s Fashion Emporium was completely different than what I was expecting. Instead of a disorderly mess, I was treated to a surprisingly coordinated experience. The inside of the hut was sparingly decorated, mostly showing photographs of what I assumed to be happy customers in varying outfits, as well as colored ribbons and other such banners hanging across the ceiling, blotting out the roof in a hodgepodge of color.

What impressed me more was the actual clothing, though. Rolnan’s selection was organized in a fairly rational manner. A number of tables, clothing racks, and mannequins could be found scattered about the shop. They were sorted by color and style, with the former being a subset of the latter. Not only was it easy to find things here, but it was surprisingly pleasing aesthetically.

…You know, if this ‘seeker’ thing doesn’t work out, I might have a promising career in advertising. Note to self, I suppose.

“Hey Rolnan!” Nevani called out as she stepped past the doorway. “You in here? I got a new customer for you!”

“Over here!” A voice called out. I glanced in the direction of the words to find a Cinderblood standing at the edge of the shop. With a short and stocky build, they immediately stood out due to their light blue coloration and horns that curled straight up. They seemed to be in the middle of trying an outfit on a mannequin, adjusting it and making notes in a notepad as they did so.

Nevani walked over to the Cinderblood, smiling in her typical cocky way as she did so. I followed behind her, looking as stoic as I normally do. “Whatcha up to, Rol? Anything interesting?”

“Just setting up some new designs on my displays,” Rolnan said. They glanced our way, looking surprised as they did so. “Oh! You must be Kai’s new apprentice. It’s nice to finally meet you.” They held out their hand expectantly, offering me a friendly smile.

“Oh, um…Yes, actually.” I shook their hand, doing my best to smile in a non-awkward way. “I didn’t realize I had a reputation.”

“Word travels fast around here,” Rolnan explained. “I take it you two are here for the festival later today?”

“You got it,” Nevani agreed. She pointed my way and said, “I wanted to get Nyrie here something to wear. Think you have something for her?”

“I’ve got something for everybody,” Rolnan assured her. They glanced over me, tapping a pencil against their chin. “Time is of the essence though. The easiest thing to do would be to take an existing outfit and make some adjustments--that shouldn’t take too long with some magical assistance. What’s your style?”

Does military-wear count? I thought wryly. I suppressed the urge to actually say that, for fear that I might break their fashion-loving heart. Instead, I went for the tried-and-true: awkwardness. I rubbed the back of my neck and said, “I, um, don’t exactly have a style. I just wear whatever fits.”

The look in Rolnan’s eyes could best be described as the way a person might stare at an injured animal. Complete and utter pity. “Oh dear. Don’t worry, we can figure something out. Let’s see…” They glanced over me, an expression of extreme concentration on their face. “Hm.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Hm? What does that mean?”

“I’m trying to see what your unique physiology means for what you should wear,” Rolnan told me. “For example, a lot of Cinderbloods have trouble wearing suits due to our wings and tails. Robes and dresses are more common, or outfits that have specific holes for those parts of our anatomy.” They pointed a finger over my body. “Those fins on your arms and legs--can you wear anything against them? Or does that hurt?”

I glanced at the dorsal fin on my forearm--pale green-blue, just like the ones on my calves. “They’re flexible,” I said, “But it’s somewhat uncomfortable. It won’t hurt me, but I’d prefer not to have anything touch them.”

Rolnan nodded. “That’s completely understandable. Now, color-wise…How do you feel about yellow?”

“I don’t think about it often,” I admitted. “I suppose it’s nice. Why?”

“Your eyes are gold,” they said. “It pairs well with your coloration. We could try a yellow dress that matches your eyes and see where we go from there. Does that sound good?”

I glanced at Nevani. She just shrugged. “It’s your dress. You get to decide.”

I thought for a moment. I didn’t really have any strong feelings on outfits in general. Fashion was never my strong suit. Still, I needed to at least try and be an active participant in this event. That meant giving a genuine answer.

“I’ll try it,” I said. “Is there anything else I should be aware of?”

“I think that’s enough for a basic idea. I’ll go get a few examples and you can try them on, alright? I’ll be right back.” With that, Rolnan walked over to the ‘Dress’ section of the shop and started going through outfits.

Next to me, Nevani leaned against the wall. “So. Not much for fashion?”

“I don’t typically go to events that require me to dress up,” I said. “I only ever went to them when they were required for school, and my mother usually figured out what I should wear for those. I just went with whatever they chose.”

“Hm.”

“Hm?”

“Just thinking.” Nevani’s eyes ran over the various mannequins on display. “Still, what about everyday wear? You just don’t care?”

“I don’t really care much. If it fits, I’ll wear it. What about you?”

“I like soft and light fabrics. Too heavy and it feels like I’m gonna fall over, you know? Most of the time I go casual though. Jeans that fit my tail, t-shirt for my wings, that kinda stuff. It’s not fancy, but I know what I like.”

I eyed her blouse-skirt combo. “That’s pretty different from what you’re wearing now.”

“Yeah, well, I figured if I’m heading to a festival, I might as well look my best. Can’t let you outshine me, can I?”

I snorted. “I wouldn’t worry about that. You’d outshine me no matter what I wear.”

Nevani chuckled. “Careful--with those kinda words, people will talk.”

“...What?”

“Never mind. Look, they’re back now.”

At just that moment, Rolnan reappeared, a small stack of dresses held gingerly in their arms. “Here--these should help us get some first impressions. The dressing room’s over there. If you need anything, just call.”

I nodded. “Alright. Thank you.” I went over to the dressing room and set the dresses on a little bench, closing the door behind me. The room was simple--no decorations aside from a mirror, and plenty of space to stretch and move.

“Alright,” I muttered. “Let’s see if Rolnan’s eye for detail figured anything out.” I glanced over the pile before grabbing one of the dresses at random and changing into it. When I finally was ready, I turned to the mirror and braced myself.

Confession: I don’t know why, but I’ve never liked looking at my reflection. For some reason, I’ve always held a certain distaste for it. Whenever I stop in front of a mirror, I’ve always felt…weird. Like there was a strong force in my mind trying to stop me from looking at myself. It was conscious, but only because it felt wrong to do so. I’m not sure why I’m like this, but I felt it even then, as I turned to the mirror.

When I forced myself to stare at what I looked like in the mirror, I felt…scared. Which is stupid, in so many ways. I fought Imix. I traveled with cultists and devil-worshippers. I traveled to the surface and survived dangerous situations against evil. Yet this dumb piece of glass managed to instill in me a sense of…I don’t know. Trepidation? Sure, let’s go with that.

I didn’t look like anything special. Awkward and uncomfortable, mostly. A yellow dress that looked like it would fit someone who was more confident. More social. On them, it might look nice. On me, it was like a child playing dress-up. A pretender attempting to be something they weren’t. What was I pretending to be? I have no idea. An insider? Someone who belonged? Pretty? I was none of those things.

Not like Mom. She was beautiful. My Dad was handsome. My Grandfather was distinguished. They managed to look right in their situations, fit in where they chose to fit. But I never looked like that. I always managed to stand out, feel wrong no matter where I stood.

I held my arms close to my chest, feeling like I would be sick to my stomach if I stared at my reflection any longer. A part of me wanted to give up now, forget this whole thing. I wouldn’t look good no matter what I tried. I had been here before--school functions, official festivals, ceremonies. It was always the same.

What was the point?

I stood there for a few moments, trying to think of if I should just forgo the whole event. I only stopped when I remembered Nevani. She was counting on me to help fulfill her promise to her friend. Sure, she gave me an out and wanted me to be comfortable…But I wanted to make this friendship thing work. That might mean sacrifices to my comfort.

I may not be pretty, but gods damn it, I was going to at least do my best. So, I grabbed my tablet and opened up the note-taking function. If I was going to do this, I’d do it my way--in a fit of spite, anger, and an aggressive dedication to my task. I am nothing if not consistent in character.

I went through the pile of dresses, making a point of jotting down any and every constructive thought that comes to mind on my tablet. By the time I finished the entire pile, I had a short list of my thoughts, all noted in fine detail.

I then opened the dressing room and walked over to Rolnan, holding out the tablet. “These are my thoughts. I also took the liberty of giving you my exact measurements. Can you find a dress that would work with this?”

Rolnan paused to take the tablet, running their eyes over it. “Hm. I think I should. Let me have a look.” They took the tablet and walked off to another area of the shop, leaving me alone with Nevani once more.

“Pretty thorough,” she noted as she watched Rolnan browse their options. “Have you done this sort of thing before?”

“My family used to go to a lot of formal events in the Dominion,” I explained. “My grandfather was a Lord Commander, so we often had to go to important gatherings. At a point I figured out how to do my own measurements. It saves time.”

Nevani raised an eyebrow. “A Lord Commander, huh? Does that make you some kind of triton royalty?”

I scoffed. “Not quite. It just means that I had a bit more money growing up. Besides, he’s been retired since I was very young. My family isn’t any more royal than yours.”

“Too bad. Would’ve been cool to tell people I knew a triton princess.” She leaned against the wall, watching as Rolnan browsed some of the dresses across the store.

I did likewise, positioning myself against the wall as I ran my fingers over nearby pieces of fabric. "What about your family?" I asked. "What do they do?"

Nevani shrugged. "Not much these days. They're not really around anymore."

I felt the cold chill of having socially fucked up run down my spine. "Oh. I'm, um, sorry. I didn't know."

"I'd be more concerned if you somehow did." She shook her head. "Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. Happened years ago. But to actually answer your question, they practiced medicine. I was always more into studying animals than people, but I learned a thing or two from them. They left me the lighthouse, actually."

I nodded. Silently, I thanked the gods for providing me with a topic change. "I see. That actually leads me into a different question: why a lighthouse? I thought the nearby waters were too dangerous for ships. What purpose does it serve?"

"Oh, it's not for ships. It's for people. Whenever there's an emergency, we light it so everyone in the village can see. That way we can keep everyone safe."

"Ah. Useful." I tried to search for something to say, but thankfully I didn't have to, as at that moment, Rolnan returned, dress in hand.

"I think I have something," they told me as they handed me a carefully folded outfit along with my tablet. "Care to give it a try?"

"It can't hurt." I took the dress and my tablet, then headed back to the dressing room. "Now, let's see what they gave me…" Not long later, I had put the dress on and turned to look at myself in the mirror. Before I even laid eyes on my appearance, I could feel that something was different. I wasn’t sure what, but something felt new. Strange.

Right.

The dress wasn’t too complicated, overall. It went down a little past my knees in length with sleeves that moved down to my wrists. The dress itself was a simple sunflower yellow with white floral designs that I recognized as sunflowers. Its texture was soft, gentle; I actually liked running my fingers across it. The very touch of it made me feel more comfortable, more safe.

As for how I looked in it? I looked different. Most of the dresses Rolnan gave me before held a certain atmosphere of sophistication, elegance. They looked like something my parents would wear, or even my classmates. A certain adultness that I could never live up to, no matter how I tried.

But this dress felt unlike that. I’m not saying it looked childish, but it seemed like something Ginger might own. Something carefree and easygoing. Not at all what a soldier would--should--wear.

Despite that, I felt something when I saw myself in it. A lingering emotion that was hard to place. Jealousy? No, not that. Envy? Perhaps, but not quite. It was something akin to longing. I wanted to match this dress. To look right in it. The other dresses felt like expectations. This one felt like something else, something special.

I watched as the girl in the mirror smiled. She held her hands together over her stomach. She looked shy, definitely unused to calling attention to herself, but I couldn’t help but feel a little excited. She never cared about her looks before, never cared for anything except blending into the background on the social scene.

Maybe it was time she tried something new.

My smile became a little more genuine. “I think this one works,” I called out. I turned and pushed open the door, stepping out to where Nevani and Rolnan could see me. “How does it look?”

“It’s cute,” Nevani said with a smile. She gave a thumbs up. “I like it.”

“Same,” Rolnan said. “I think it looks nice. But the question is, how do you feel about it?”

“I think I like it,” I told them. I ran my hands over the skirt’s edges, enjoying the feel of the fabric beneath my fingers. “How much would it cost?”

“Only a few gold,” Rolnan told me. “There are a few adjustments to be made to ensure it fits you properly. I can have it done in a few hours.”

I turned back to the dressing room, placing a hand on the door. “Perfect. I’ll take it then!”

With that, I quickly changed into my normal clothes, handing the dress--my dress--and the payment over to Rolnan. After a bit of discussing some final touches, Nevani and I left the shop.

“So,” I said, “Where are we headed next? Are there any other preparations to make?”

“Just one. Less of a requirement, more of a superstition.” Nevani smiled as she started down the road, heading to the center of town. “How do you feel about temples?”

“I’m spiritual to a degree,” I told her as I followed. “I didn’t realize your people had a temple. Which god is it to?”

“Oh, we’re nontheistic here. We don’t really worship gods. Kinda meaningless in Terminus, you know?”

I raised an eyebrow. Having been taught by a religion teacher who acted like he knew gods personally, the idea of not believing in any gods intrigued me. “That’s a unique viewpoint. I can’t say I’ve heard of a religion without gods. Why?”

“We’re not anti-god or anything here,” Nevani told me. “It’s more just…the gods aren’t a part of our lives. So we focus on what is: our being, our souls, that kinda thing. We try to control ourselves and lend ourselves to being a little less fucked up than we could be. Be better people. We don’t need gods for that. Does that make any sense?”

“So a sort of secular morality,” I guessed. “Basically a point of view that religion isn’t necessary for morality, though it doesn’t necessarily condemn it. It’s not a very popular point of view where I’m from. Most would argue that the Great Wheel’s definition of alignment makes the concept impossible.”

Nevani shrugged. “Well, I’m no theologist, but the gods don’t really care about us here in Terminus, so we can be as secular as we like. Besides, it’s not just a philosophy, it’s sort of…practical. Oh, here we are.”

The temple was hard to miss, and I had seen it coming from quite a bit away. Surrounded by tall red fences that were carved with carefully-crafted Infernal sigils and topped with flowers, it was easily the biggest plot of land in the area. I noticed several openings where archways led inside, where a number of people walked in and out.

“Welcome to the Heart Shrine,” Nevani told me. “I’ll show you around. Follow me.”

As Nevani and I passed through the archway, I was given my glimpse at the Heart Shrine’s courtyard. Home to a number of pink-and-red trees, various flowers, bushes, and statues, this area was a small hub of activity. I could see tieflings mill about, talking and chatting and sitting on nearby benches.

In the center of it all was what I assumed was the Heart Shrine: a large one-story building marked by flowing, elegant designs. I noticed that the building--indeed, all of the buildings in the village, now that I thought of it--are the opposite of traditionally tritonic architecture. While triton buildings are large, rigid, and imposing, the Cinderbloods built their structures in calming, delicate fashions with an emphasis on round shapes and curves. It was odd, yet soothing in its own way.

I must have made some sort of face, because Nevani looked proud. “Like what you see?”

“It’s different,” I noted. “Not bad at all, just…new. The architectural style might take some getting used to.”

“We have a lot of care for how we make our buildings,” Nevani said. “It’s sorta meant to have a mild psychological effect, being all peaceful and stuff. The theory is that it might make us feel more at ease. Dunno if it works, but it’s pretty at least.”

“It is pretty,” I agreed. I watched as various Cinderbloods trailed in and out of the Shrine. A few were sitting on the grass, chatting with each other, while some wearing special robes were going back and forth, tending to the area. I guessed they were priests. “So, why are we here?”

“Sort of a ritual," Nevani said. "It’s kinda a daily thing. You don’t have to join in if you don’t want to, but I wanted it done and out of the way.”

“I don’t mind,” I told her. “Today is for trying new things. Lead the way.” With that, I followed Nevani onward, into the Heart Shrine itself.

The inside of the Heart Shrine was a massive room, which I suspect is big enough for the whole village to gather if need be. The room was cut into pieces by paper dividers, each of which stood about ten feet tall. They were beige, with Infernal symbols glowing in the spectrum of colors along the top and bottom. The rest of the dividers had carefully-drawn pictures of dancing Cinderbloods, landscapes, animals, and abstract images. Hanging from the roof were crystals that shone like stars, lighting up the buildings.

“This is where people come to talk,” Nevani explained. “We Cinderbloods have a lot of pent up emotions. We come here to sift through them and everything. Get them all out. The dividers are enchanted so no sound gets out from inside.”

“So you just…talk here?” I watched the dividers as I followed behind Nevani, taking in the sights of the art before me. I’ve never been that interested in art, but the differing styles here than in the Dominion interested me. I was more than a little curious. “Like…a confessional?”

“It helps. When our negative emotions get too strong, well…Bad things happen, you know? We do other things too. Rituals, social events, all kinds of stuff.” She led me through a small maze of dividers before stopping before an open one. She then lowered her voice and said, “There’s a class here. Let’s wait until they’re done.”

I nodded. From here, I could peek inside. I tried to casually glance around to see what this ‘class’ was. Within, I could see a group of eight Cinderbloods; seven children, and one adult. The adult, an elderly tiefling who had lavender skin and wore a white robe covered in red swirling lines, seemed to be in the middle of some sort of lesson.

“...anger leads to Turning. That’s why when we feel angry, we need to talk about it with people we trust, to work through those feelings.” She clasped her hands together and smiled gently. “Does anybody have a feeling they want to share?” One child, a yellow Cinderblood, raised his hand. “Yes, Darilas?”

Darilas--who was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the group--glanced around. All his peers’ eyes were on him, but he didn’t seem to mind. His focus was on a pink-skinned Cinderblood across from him.

“Well…Yesterday Velmaia borrowed my favorite toy, but she ended up breaking it,” he explained.

Nearby, the pink tiefling--Velmaia, I assumed--piped up, “I said I was sorry!”

“I know,” Darilas grumbled. “But it was my favorite toy. Ms. Yolana gave it to me for the Feast of the Moon.” He crossed his arms over his chest, looking hurt.

“It’s understandable that you might be upset even if Velmaia said she was sorry,” the older woman said. “Feelings don’t just disappear because someone apologized. It’s important to talk about how those feelings affected you, and find ways to feel better. Darilas, do you still feel upset?”

Darilas was quiet for a few seconds, then nodded. “Yeah…”

“Are you upset with Velmaia, or just in general?”

“...Both, I guess.”

“Well, maybe Velmaia could do something to make you feel better.” She turned to the pink Cinderblood and said, “Do you have any ideas, Velmaia?”

Velmaia hesitated, clearly trying her best to think this through. “Um…We could take it to my dad? He knows a lot about fixing things. Maybe he can fix your toy.” She looked up to the older Cinderblood and asked, “Does that work?”

“You should be asking Darilas,” the older woman told her. She looked to Darilas, then gestured for him to speak.

Darilas nodded. “I’d like that. Can we go after class?”

“As long as you tell your parents where you’re going,” the woman said. She glanced at her wrist, where she wore a small, strange piece of jewelry on her arm. “It looks like we’re out of time for today, so we’ll continue this lesson tomorrow. I’d like each of you to think about these sorts of things and how you can think through your feelings when something upsets you.”

At that, all of the children stood up and started to walk out of the cubicle. Nevani and I stepped aside to give them more room. The children walked past us, a few waving or muttering ‘excuse me’, but most didn’t acknowledge us. Once they had all walked by, the elderly Cinderblood stepped forward from inside the cubicle and approached.

“I hope you enjoyed the lesson,” she said to the both of us with a slight smile. She waved at the children as they walked away, but continued, “Thank you for not interrupting. It can be hard to hold their attention sometimes. You know how children are.” She glanced over me with a critical eye, looking curious. “It’s nice to meet you, miss. Nyrela, I assume?”

I hesitated before nodding. “Yes, that’s my name.” I still had a hard time getting used to my new alias, but it was becoming easier as time went on. “I assume Nevani mentioned me?”

“Just enough for me to recognize you. It’s always good to see a friend of Kai’s.” She turned to Nevani and nodded. “Good afternoon, Nevani. I trust you’re doing well?”

“You know it, granny.” Nevani smirked, then turned to me. “Nyrie, this is my grandmother, Almasea. She’s a priest here in the Heart Shrine.”

I nodded, then tried for my best smile towards Almasea. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Almasea bowed her head towards me for a moment. “I take it you want your usual?”

Nevani was already heading into the cubicle as she said, “Yes please.” I followed behind her as Almasea disappeared to go do…something. The two of us took seats on the ground. It was strange, but I liked being on the floor. It felt nice in a weird way. I guess Nevani agreed.

“So…The usual?” I raised an eyebrow. “What is that exactly?”

“It’s a special ritual,” Nevani explained. “Not magical or anything, but it's something that helps me stop from Turning. Talking and therapy and all is good, but this is something a bit…personalized.”

“Turning,” I repeated. “Is that the ‘bad thing’ you mentioned that happens when your emotions get too strong?”

“Yup. We become big scary devil creatures and lose control. It happens. Actually, I almost Turned the day we first met, when those vines nearly killed us.” She said this as though it were as casual as someone spilling a drink, or tripping. “Properly talking about and discussing our feelings helps us regulate them better, but we have other methods too. Everybody does something a little different. This is what I do."

At that moment, Almasea returned, a bowl in hand. "Here we are." She glanced over the two of us with a raised eyebrow. "Sitting on the floor today, are we?"

"Nyrie wanted to," Nevani said. "I didn't want her to feel awkward if I grabbed a chair."

My eyes widened a little. "There are chairs? I thought we were supposed to sit on the floor."

"The children sat on the floor," Almasea told me, "Because it's easier for them and there are usually several of them. Adults normally use chairs."

I could feel my cheeks burn at the minor social blunder. "Well. That's good to know."

Nevani chuckled. "It's fine, Nyrie. We'll get out the chairs next time. Floor works for today."

"Agreed." Almasea sat down with us, forming a circle and setting the bowl in the middle. The bowl was filled with water. "Do you want to join in, Nyrela? You're free not to."

"I'd like to try…whatever this is," I said. "I want to understand the island's rituals better. If that's okay."

"It certainly is," Almasea agreed with a smile. She reached into her satchel and pulled out a number of little see-through bags with nozzles on them. Each bag was filled with liquids of different colors, each labeled in Infernal. "This ritual is an abstract method of mindfulness--it's meant to help a person visualize their emotions and learn to recognize their feelings, and then release them all at once. Nevani will start."

Nevani nodded. She grabbed one of the bags, a yellow one labeled Hope and held it over the bowl. "Well, first off, I'm hopeful that my friends' first date tonight will go well. They've been pining over each other for a long time, and if tonight goes well, they may finally do something about it." She squeezed the bag, causing the yellow liquid to squirt from the nozzle and into the water. The liquid--dye, I assumed--immediately dissipated through the water and changed it to a faint yellow color.

Nevani put that bag down and grabbed another one, an orange one labeled Nervousness. "But I'm worried things could go wrong. If they do, things might get even more awkward, or we might not be friends anymore. That would suck, and I'd feel bad for causing it." She squirted the orange dye into the bowl, where it mixed with the yellow.

She put the orange bag aside and grabbed another, a red one labeled Anger. "I'm frustrated 'cause someone I don't like is going to be at the festival and will probably go out of her way to be an asshole to me. Like always." She squeezed and watched as the red dye mixed into the water.

She then traded the red bag for a green one labeled Happiness. "Finally, I'm thankful that I won't be going to the festival alone. It's nice having some support, you know?" She mixed in the green dye, watching as all the colors mingled together in a rainbow hue.

Almasea nodded. "And now that we've identified the feelings, we can dismiss them. Nevani, would you mind?”

“My pleasure.” Nevani reached over and touched a finger to the surface of the water. She closed her eyes and whispered an Infernal word of power. Suddenly, the mixed dye started to retract from the water, draining from it as it encircled around the tip of her finger. As she pulled her finger away, it continued to gather, until she had a floating orb of dye hovering above her fingertip, a few inches above the water’s surface.

“I acknowledge you,” Nevani said. “And now I let you go.” She whispered another word of power, and I watched as the dye began to disappear, slowly but surely, until it all vanished, leaving no trace of itself behind. I was quiet for a moment until Nevani opened her eyes and glanced at me. “So…What did that do exactly?” I asked. “It was magic--but it didn’t look too powerful. Did it…change you?”

“If you’re asking whether the actual emotions were banished,” Almasea said, “Then no. This is simply an exercise in mindfulness and visualization. The individual dyes help to recognize one’s emotions, the mixing in water to see how they come together and mix into one’s attitude, and the spell dispels it all to symbolize accepting the emotions and no longer letting them control you.”

“It’s figurative,” Nevani told me. “But it helps. Me, at least. Think you’re up for it?”

“I can try at least.” My eyes ran over the various dyes. How am I feeling? I thought to myself. Hercan had always tried to teach me mindfulness, but I was never good at it. I think the most I was ever able to figure out was how to identify when I was reaching a meltdown and stop it. That's fifteen years of state-mandated therapy for you.

After a few seconds of visible hesitation, I grabbed the green dye. "I'm, uh, happy that I've been invited to this festival. And that I have a possible friend to celebrate it with." I squeezed the bag and watched as the dye squirted into the water. Okay, that was kinda fun.

I put the green dye down and studied my options. "Next I feel is…Surprised. Because I've never done this sort of thing before." I grabbed a pink dye and squeezed it over the bowl. Pink and green swirled together in the water.

I then traded the pink dye for orange. "And I'm nervous. Because my track record with people isn't great, and last festival I went to nearly caused an underwater fire."

Nevani looked very interested. "You've gotta tell me about that one sometime."

I chuckled, then squirted the dye into the bowl. "I, uh, think that's it. I feel pretty simple right now."

"Then all you have to do is acknowledge and release them," Almasea told me. "Nevani can cast the spell for you. Go on."

"Alright…" I looked at the mixture of colors and slowly touched a finger to the water's surface. Nevani did the same, whispering a word of power. The dye gathered into a small wet orb held between our fingers. We raised our hands together, a careful balance of the two of us keeping it in check.

I looked at the dye and tried to picture it as a representation of my emotions. All my feelings, good and bad, mixed together and held at my fingertips. It was so small, so delicate. It wouldn't take much to drop it and cover the floor in colors. A little too much red or orange would do the trick. Maybe more yellow or green than I'm used to and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

Every little feeling. Right where I could see it.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I acknowledge you. And…" I peeked open an eye. "...Now I let you go."

Nevani whispered another arcane phrase. The little ball of dye started to disappear, piece by piece, growing smaller with each passing instance. Then, as I let out the breath I had been holding, it vanished all at once.

Nevani smiled as she laid her hands over her lap, tapping them against her knees idly. "So, think it helped?"

I hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "I think so. Like, it didn't automatically fix anything in me, but something feels…lighter. Less distracted."

"That's the goal, baby." Nevani looked to Almasea. "Thanks for the assist, granny. It was really nice."

"I was happy to help," Almasea said with a bowed head. "The Heart Shrine is always open when you need it. Either of you. Come back anytime you wish."

"We will." Nevani stood up and I followed suit. "It's getting a bit late, I think we're gonna get something to eat. You wanna join us?"

"I'm good, thank you." She looked at me and smiled. "I hope you enjoy the island, Nyrela. Call me if you need anything at all."

"Of course." I bowed my head, then followed after Nevani as she left the cubicle. She led me outside the Heart Shrine, past its garden, and finally back onto the village streets.

"So we're getting something to eat?" I asked once we were outside.

Nevani nodded. (Gods, I repeat that phrase a lot, don't I? I should really find another way of saying that.) "Yeah, I was feeling hungry. You?"

"If that's what you want. I'm probably not hungry."

Nevani shot me an incredulous look. "You're probably not hungry? How does that work? You're either hungry or you're not."

I shrugged. "I'm not good at monitoring my body's needs at times. I'll figure it out eventually." Not technically a lie--I do struggle with that, but it wasn't the truth. The much more shameful fact is that I'm an incredibly picky eater. Always have been. Any food with a 'bad' texture makes me gag. It's why I primarily just eat algae bars. They're simple, but guaranteed not to make me vomit.

Nevani gave me a look that implied she wasn't quite believing my excuse. But she shrugged and said, "Alright. Well if you do want something, feel free. We can split the price."

"Sounds good to me." Or I'll just wait to eat something back at Kai's, as per the coward's route.

We walked for a few minutes, chatting over unimportant topics until we reached our destination. A small shack with an open-air dining area and a view of the sea, the sign on the front read Garrias' Sea Shack and featured little depictions of dancing crabs.

I stared at the sign for a moment. "Is it just me or do all the signs on these buildings feature the same art style?"

"Oh, that's Zaspira. She does all the art for local businesses. She loves it."

"...Fair enough."

Nevani led me over to the shack's counter, where a red tiefling with a fancy orange-and-blue floral shirt was writing on a blackboard. When we reached the counter, Nevani tapped a little bell in front of her and went, "Yo Garrias. You've got customers."

The tiefling--Garrias, I assumed--turned around and smirked. "Oh, hey Nevani. Thought you'd be busy dumping spiders down the back of Lehala's shirt."

"Don't give me ideas, Gare. The day is still young." She matched his smirk. "Actually, I and possibly my friend wanted lunch. Think that's possible?"

“Does a gemwraith shit gold?”

I frowned. “What.”

“Of course I can get you lunch.” He tapped the blackboard. “Menu’s here. Have at it.”

“Thanks.” Nevani glanced at me. “Anything here sound good?”

I looked over the list, frowning. “None of it really looks that familiar…” Which probably means snacking on rations later. I shook my head, trying to dismiss the thought. I was here to try new things, get out of my comfort zone. Sometimes that meant sacrifices to be made. After all, I took a chance on chicken when I first came to the surface, and now I love it. So, I decided to risk it. “What do you recommend?”

Nevani thought for a moment. “Well, let’s see…What kind of foods are you used to?”

“Fish normally,” I said. “I’ve taken a liking to chicken though.”

“Hm.” Nevani glanced at the menu. “I might have an idea.” She tapped the bell again and continued, “Gare! Get me two of my usuals but nix the toppings, gotcha?”

Garrias gave a thumb’s up. “Got it, Nev! I’ll bring it out to you when it’s ready. ‘Til then, just have a seat.”

With that, Nevani and I went over to one of the tables and took a seat. The two of us sat there for a few minutes, waiting patiently. As we waited, I couldn't help but find myself observing Nevani. I wasn't trying to, but I had been noticing small things as we were together this whole time. Subtle motions and movements that stood out to me, and they made me curious.

As we sat at the table, I ended up paying attention to some of these movements. The way she swayed slightly from side to side when she was thinking to herself. The way she moved her hands, flicking them back and forth aimlessly, yet rhythmically. The way she hummed quietly--not like she was thinking of a song, but like she was responding to a personal beat.

It all felt very familiar to me. I immediately wanted to ask her about it, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable--gods know I feel that way when someone asks me about that. But before I could settle on anything, she interrupted me.

“If you’re gonna watch,” Nevani said in a cool, controlled voice, “You could at least be a bit more subtle about it.”

“Huh?” Shit. “No, no, no--It wasn’t like that, I just…” I wracked my brain for a good reason to be staring at somebody. Unfortunately, none came to mind. “I…Well, I was just interested in your…shirt.”

Nevani gave me an incredulous look. “You’re a bad liar, Nyrie.” She shook her head, continuing to flick her hands. “It’s fine. I sorta expected you’d notice eventually. Kinda surprised it took so long.”

I leaned back in my chair. “I’m…not always the most perceptive when it comes to people. I’m sorry for staring though. It’s just…I’ve seen these kinds of movements before. I didn’t realize other people did them.”

Nevani raised an eyebrow. “Other people?”

I nodded hesitantly. “Yes,” I said slowly. “I sort of--Well, when I was younger, I--” My voice died away. I was struggling to come up with a way to explain this, someway that didn’t involve becoming ashamed. It wasn’t working. I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. “I do it too. Mostly when I was young. I try to keep it to myself these days. I was just interested in seeing someone else who does the same things. Sorry.”

My voice was quiet, tinged with reluctance. I don’t really like to talk about this sort of stuff if I’m honest. My diagnosis with Imitation Disorder--and all the traits connected to it--feel so personal. They’re the heart of so many bad things that have happened to me in my life, but they’re also a core part of me, something that defines who I am through my experiences. The idea of letting someone else see that, and letting them judge it, feels like it would be a stab to the chest.

Nevani looked surprised. “Oh. Uh, alright. That’s cool then. I don’t really meet many people who do that--like, I’ve seen a couple people here on the island who stim like me, but that’s about it, you know? Not exactly common practice around here.”

My eyebrows knit together. “Stim?”

“Yeah, like, short for ‘self-stimulatory behavior’. Most people perform some basic stims from time-to-time, you know? Biting nails, toying with their hair, stuff like that. But some people do it more, more noticeably, and in different ways. I'm one of those people."

"Huh." I was quiet for a moment, thinking about what I had just heard. After a few seconds I said, "You're, uh, pretty open about it. Where I come from, this 'stimming' is considered shameful. Most people have to learn to hide it if they want to go anywhere in life."

Nevani shrugged, flicking a finger against the table. "What can I say? I've never been one to hide something because others have a problem with it. It's not disruptive and it doesn't hurt anybody, so anyone who has issue with it can fuck right off." She paused, thinking for a moment before continuing, "Besides, masking those kinds of behaviors can have…side-effects. I decided I'd rather not deal with that."

Now it was my turn to raise an eyebrow. "What kind of side effects?"

"A couple things." Nevani held up a free hand and used a finger to list off the things she went on to say. "Stress and anxiety, depression, loss of identity, exhaustion, burnout--stuff like that. Basically the person feels disconnected from themselves, like they're lying or betraying their very nature. That leads to tons of problems with emotional regulation that can lead into a downward spiral. It's not great."

"Hm." I decided at the time not to think too deeply on that subject. It would be best to save it for later, when I could properly unpack it. But honestly, I doubt it needs unpacking. I'm not suffering from anything. Am I stressed? Sure, all the time. Am I depressed? I would hardly say more than the normal person. Am I suffering from exhaustion and burnout? Everybody does, that's common. As for the identity problem, that's just what happens when you're not able to be yourself around others. When you put it all together, it doesn't seem like…

…

…Gods damn it. Is this where all my problems are coming from? Note to self: Schedule a period of intense self-reflection or bottle this up, whichever is easier. Back to the story.

"So," I continued, blissfully unaware of the budding realizations that plague me in the present. "How do you know all of this? Do you have psychologists who study this?"

"We kinda steal knowledge from other people," Nevani admitted. "Ms. Yolana--she's sort of like our weird caretaker--she sometimes brings us stuff from other parts of Terminus to help us, or brings us into the other cities so we can get things we need. That's where I got my veterinary books from. Anyway, we have had people who study psychology here. Some even spent a few years in Hollowport learning at an academy. We're not super advanced in it, but we got some basic stuff."

I made a mental note to consider visiting this Cinderblood psychologist later. If they're any nicer than Salathan doctors, it would be a pleasant surprise, if nothing else. “Noted,” I said. “Still, it’s nice to find someone else who stims too. It’s not particularly common where I’m from. Sometimes I think I’m the only one.”

“Same. Plus, people get kinda weird about it. Like, some people are assholes about it, but even the nice ones still stare and act off when they see it.”

I groaned. “Exactly. Then it just feels bad when you ask them to stop. They don’t mean anything by it, but it’s still uncomfortable to be watched like that.”

Nevani nodded sympathetically. “I got you there. Ever had people ask questions? It always gets on my nerves. Like, sure, it’s not coming from a bad place generally, but after the first hundred times I’m asked why I’m flicking my hands, the appeal wears off.”

“Yeah, it’s tiring. One time, when I was young, someone asked me why I was making these motions with my hands for about the fourth time that day. I got agitated and told them they were somatic spell components and I would cast it on them if they didn’t leave me alone.”

Nevani snickered. “Damn, that’s so bad--but funny. Their face must’ve been something.”

I smiled a little. “It was--until I had to explain to an ordinator why I was casting spells on people. It made explaining things pretty awkward.”

“Heh. Win some, lose some, I guess.” Nevani shook her head. “How bad is it over there? In your Dominion, I mean. You said stimming was shameful, so it doesn’t sound great, but are the people nice?” I must have grimaced, because she winced. “Ah. Guessing it’s not good.”

I sighed. “Not particularly.” I placed my hands on the table. Testingly, I began tapping my fingers against its surface. It was the most of this ‘stimming’ I would let myself do around others. I wondered if the day might come where I might become as open about it as Nevani. “The Dominion looks down on any behaviors that don’t fit in with others, especially if they’re not of use to the military. I’ve had to deal with more than my fair share of problems.”

I focused on the movement of my fingers, tapping to a rhythm that only I could feel, subtle at first, but I tried to force myself to be more apparent, more in-depth. It felt dangerous, but I tried to ignore that feeling to the best of my ability. “What about here?” I asked. “You mentioned some ‘assholes’. I hope it’s just them?”

Nevani made a shaky motion with her hand. “It’s alright. Most people are nice, you know? They don’t really all understand, but I’ve made it clear in the past that if you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you. Most people learned quickly when I started setting boundaries.”

“That works?”

“With most people. Turns out, a lot of folks who are well-meaning will listen when you give them lines not to cross. Those who don’t listen are either assholes or obnoxiously obtuse. The latter get some level of forgiveness--to a degree. The former I try to stay away from.”

I nodded. I tried to imagine Nevani’s mind-set: Demanding respect or refusing to deal with someone. The concept was so foreign to me. I had spent all of my life practically groveling before people in an attempt to curry favor, changing myself and hiding parts of me in the hope it might earn their respect. It had never worked before. It just made it easier for people to walk all over me.

It could be that the Cinderbloods are just nicer than Salathan citizens, but the possibility remains…Maybe there’s something to be said about her methods. At the very least, she isn’t forced to hide who she is from people. If my choices are between ‘be myself and be lonely because it upsets people’ and ‘hide who I am and be lonely because nobody cares’, the former sounds better.

I’ll consider this more later. I should get on with the story.

Eventually, Garrias came over with a tray. Situated on it were two strange foods I had never seen before, which were essentially some sort of soft bread-like substance, cooked slightly and rolled together into a cylinder with grated cheese and meat poking out of its ends.

“Lunch is served,” Garrias announced. He set the plates down in front of us and smiled. “I hope you like them."

"Thanks, Gare," Nevani said. Now that I had noticed her movements, I couldn't help but study them. She didn't stop when Garrias arrived, though she did slow some, making them slightly less apparent. "Looks delicious as usual."

Garrias nodded, then headed back to the counter. As he did, I touched a finger to the food on my plate. "So…What is this?"

"Tacos," Nevani announced happily. "They're food from another world, brought to Terminus by poor saps who fell here. They're made of grilled tortillas and filled with a cheese and meat of our choice--currently Monterey Jack and goat. I decided not to ask for any other toppings since I wasn't sure how you might feel about surface vegetables, so it's just that.”

I hesitated. On one hand, I was hungry, and I wanted to try new things. On the other, I wasn’t in the mood of gagging if it had some bad textures in it. I glanced up at Nevani. “Have you had this before?”

“Oh, all the time. It’s one of my favorites, actually.” With that, she picked up the taco and bit into it. She didn’t seem repulsed, but that meant nothing. Texture problems for me might not affect other people. Only one way to find out.

I grabbed the taco and hesitantly took a bite. I was initially worried, but that all melted away once I realized I wasn’t feeling anything bad. The textures felt fine. Even better, the food tasted good. Simple, but nice. I smiled as I took another bite.

Nevani grinned. “Like it?”

I nodded, swallowing. “It’s good. I usually have strict requirements for what I eat, so I’m a little surprised.”

“Glad to hear it,” Nevani said before taking another bite. Once she swallowed it, she went on, “I’ve always been kinda a picky eater, but this is one of the foods I’ve been able to rely on. Good to see you like it too.”

I’m really starting to wish I had met this woman years ago, I thought. I took another bite of the taco, deciding to savor the meal right when someone approached our table, a cinderblood man with green skin and short black hair. He looked panicked, and for a moment I was worried we might be in danger. Nevani, however, didn’t seem concerned at all.

“Riyis,” she said calmly. “Right on time. I was wondering when you’d show up. I hope you’re not getting cold feet.”

“Nev, I’m not sure I can do this,” the Cinderblood--Riyis--said. “This whole thing is going to go horribly. I’ll embarrass myself, I’ll look stupid, Valpha will probably never want to talk to me again--I think it’s just better if we all call it quits.”

Nevani shook her head. “Nope, we made a deal. You said if I could find someone to bring to the dance, you’ll ask Val out. I found someone, so you gotta live up to your end of the bargain.”

“But Neeev,” Riyis whined, drawing out her name, “What if everything goes wrong? You know how awkward I get when I’m with them. What if I do something that messes everything up?”

“Val stayed by your side during the banana burst fiasco,” Nevani reminded him. “That was rock bottom for all of us. I don’t think a bad date will turn them away.”

“We don’t talk about the banana burst,” Riyis said in a low voice. “And even if that’s true, this is completely different. The Devotion Festival is huge--everybody will be watching us, you know? There’s no way I can keep calm with that.”

“You’ll be fine, just act like you always do and nothing will go wrong.”

“But Nev--”

At that, I raised my hand. “Ah, excuse me? Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt, but maybe there’s a way to help with your problem.”

Riyis looked at me, shocked, as if he had forgotten I was there. “Oh--Crap, sorry, I just got so caught up, I forgot to introduce myself.” He held out a shaky hand. “I’m Riyis, one of Nevani’s friends. You’re the triton she mentioned, Nyrela, right?”

“Yes, I am.” I took his hand and gingerly shook it. “It seems to me that your problem is based entirely around your being nervous about what this Valpha thinks of you. I’m no expert in romance, but I’m well-read on the topic. According to my studies, the best solution is to accept that this Valpha already thinks well of you, otherwise they never would have agreed to the date in the first place. Technically, the facts are on your side.”

Riyis rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean, sure, they like me now, we’re friends. But that doesn’t mean they’ll like me later if I screw things up.”

“If they’re really your friend, you should trust them to forgive you for something as simple as messing up a little. Are they normally the type to get upset over something like this?”

“Well…No, not really.”

“Then you should have more faith in them,” I offered. “In the worst case scenario, things might be awkward, but you can move past that. More likely, things will go fine. Logic and reason dictates the date shouldn’t be a problem.”

Riyis crossed his arms over his chest. “Logic and reason don’t always apply to these sorts of situations. They can’t always make fear go away, you know?”

Too true. But that’s why I have a secret weapon. “Perhaps not,” I agreed, “But maybe this will help.” I reached into my satchel and searched for a random object, anything of note. After a few seconds, I brought out a small iridescent gem--a fire opal. “Take this.”

He reached out for the opal, examining it closely once it was in his hands. “What is this?”

“Something that will give you courage. It’s complicated to explain, but this gem should give you the bravery you need to get through the night--as long as you rely on it.”

He looked hesitant, looking over the gem with a critical eye. “Are you sure? Like, is it magic or something?”

“It’s a little more scientific than that,” I assured him. I flashed my most confident smile as I continued, “It helps make fear go away by working alongside the power of your brain. As long as you trust in it, you’ll find yourself more confident.”

“And you’re sure it will work?”

“I believe it will. You don’t have much to lose if it doesn't.”

He looked unsure for a few moments before curling his fingers around the opal. “Alright, I’ll try it. Thanks Nyrela. I’ll return it as soon as the festival is over.”

I bowed my head. “I’m happy to help. Any friend of Nevani’s and such.”

“You’re free to join us if you want,” Nevani told him. “Maybe hanging out will help your nerves.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Riyis nodded. “I’ll go see if there’s something to eat. Be back in a second, alright?” With that, he headed to Garrias’ counter, leaving the two of us alone again.

Once he was out of earshot, Nevani flashed me a smirk. “So…Well-read in romance, huh?”

“Well, I had to say something to give my words authority,” I admitted with a chuckle. “It sounds much less important if I told the truth, that I read quite a few romantic fiction books when I was younger.”

Nevani laughed. “Romantic fiction? Didn’t think you were the type. So all those things you said to him were…?”

“Shamelessly quoted from books I’ve read over the years. The Heart-Shaped Shell, Love Bound Coral, To Sing With Feeling--I read them all years ago and just so happened to remember a few lines."

Nevani shook her head, grinning from ear to ear. "I can't believe you gave advice from romance novels. What about that gemstone?"

"Placebo." I glanced over to watch as Riyis chatted with Garrias. "As long as he believes it will give him confidence, it very well might. It's something to fall back on when he's unsure."

Nevani cackled. "That's genius. I can't believe I didn't consider it myself."

I shrugged. "I couldn't help it. He seemed scared, and gods know I've been in bad situations like that before. Never over romance, mind you, but still. I figured he could use an outsider's opinion."

"We'll see if it worked tonight, I guess." Nevani leaned back in her seat as Riyis returned, sitting down in an empty chair. "'Sup. I was just about to probe into Nyrie's love life."

I nearly choked on the taco. It took me a second before I was able to respond. "You were?"

"Feels only appropriate. You said you're well-read on romance. I was curious if you've ever applied that knowledge yourself. As long as it doesn't make you uncomfortable."

I considered saying Yes, let's discuss anything else, but I stopped myself. Something about the importance of openness and honesty in a friendship spoke out at the back of my mind and forced me to acquiesce.

"It's…fine," I said carefully. "Just not a topic I talk about a lot. Not much to say, really. What did you want to know?"

"Well, let's start simple: who was your last date?"

Oh, this one's easy. "No one, actually. I've, ah, never dated someone before."

Nevani and Riyis both raised an eyebrow. "Never?" Riyis asked. "Like…Nobody?"

"Nobody," I confirmed. "I'm a soldier--I've never really had the time to seek out a significant other." I decided not to mention the other reason: that my family reputation and Imitation Disorder made people wary of getting too close to me. The former for fear it would taint their own reputation, and the latter because it was too hard for people to look past my strange exterior.

Riyis' eyebrows drew together. "But…You're well-read on dating, you said."

"I've studied it for years, but I've never had time for a relationship myself." Certain feelings bubbled up, thoughts I've gathered together but never spoke out loud. My other worries about romance. I decided not to mention them. "It hasn't stopped me from learning important things about dating. Things you should and shouldn't do, expectations. In some ways, it helps to have a perspective that isn't skewed from experience, you know?"

Riyis looked concerned, but Nevani nodded. "I can see it," she said. "Sometimes you need a second opinion from someone who’s not in the know, you know?”

“Exactly.” I nodded, taking a bite of my taco. “Now, since you asked me, I get to ask you the same. Who was your last date?”

Nevani’s nose wrinkled, her eyes narrowing a little. “It…wasn’t great, honestly. His name was Mavrias. We started dating last year, and things were fine…Until Lehala happened."

I tilted my head. "Lehala? Garrias mentioned them. Who are they?"

"She's an asshole," Riyis said. "Been that way since we were kids. Her family basically organized the village and made it what it is, so she's full of herself. Basically doesn't like it if people don't bow to her every whim."

"She hates me in particular," Nevani noted. "I never liked her attitude when we were younger, so we were always fighting. I guess I pissed her off a little too much 'cause now every time we see each other something happens."

I recalled a certain triton Seeker with whom I had a similar relationship and grimaced. Guess some things are universal. "So what did she do with Mavrias?”

“Started dating him behind my back.” Nevani’s voice was low, with a dangerous edge. I noticed sparks of purple energy gathering and quickly dissipating around her hand. “I didn’t find out ‘til I caught them together on a date--which she went out of her way to make sure I’d find out about. And when I confronted him, he was defending his decision because Lehala made him feel ashamed to be going out with me.”

I shook my head. “That’s terrible, Nevani. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

“It’s whatever. They’re both assholes. If it wasn’t for Riyis and Val, I wouldn’t be going at all. Didn’t want to deal with the drama.”

“You still don’t have to go,” Riyis assured her. “It’ll be fine if you’re not there.”

Nevani gave him an incredulous look. “Not letting you chicken out of this one. Besides, if I wasn’t there, she’d just harass you two instead. I’m like a fucking lightning rod for her hate. It’ll make her leave you alone.”

I wasn’t sure if she realized, but if that was true, there was a high chance this Lehala would harass me for being near Nevani. But I decided to ignore that. I’ve dealt with worse than a bully before. I did, however, decide to change the subject.

I glanced over at Riyis and said, “So, why exactly is Nevani trying to force you to go on a date with Valpha? She seems a bit more…forceful than most friends would be.”

Riyis’ cheeks lit up with a faint blush. “I, uh…Well, I sort of said I’d go on a date with them before, and I backed down. A lot.”

Nevani held up one finger on one hand and two on the other. “Twelve different times. He’s actually managed to make less progress over time. I’ve taken on the role of ultimate wingman to try and help him through it. His last solo attempt ended with him nearly getting eaten by an ooze on a blood moon. I decided at that point it was time to step in.”

“Plus I get pretty nervous around them.” Riyis clasped his hands together, holding them on top of the table anxiously. “We were fine before, but ever since I realized my crush on them last summer, it’s been hard for me to keep my cool.”

“He’s got it bad,” Nevani said. She made a tsk sound, flicking her hands as if miming a person whacking something with a pair of sticks. “Val does too, but they’re better at hiding it. They’re both disgustingly sweet, and now it’s my purpose to get them together before they end up getting hurt in increasingly stupid ways to avoid embarrassing themselves.”

I finished off my taco while she spoke. Once I did, I started tapping my fingers against the table. “It could be worse,” I said. “In the Dominion, it’s tradition to give a prospective lover a piece of a monster you’ve slain to prove your devotion. My parents worked together to kill a plesiosaurus and gifted each other its scales. They’re still framed in their living room.”

Riyis was quiet for a moment before he glanced at Nevani. He opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Nevani held up a hand. “We’re not even considering that idea. Knowing you, you’d lose an arm.”

I chuckled. “I’m sure just a date is the ideal way to ask Valpha out. Sometimes simple is better.”

The three of us continued talking for some time, until Riyis received his meal and finished it. Around that time, we parted ways so we could all prepare for the festival. Riyis walked off while Nevani and I made our way back to Rolnan’s shop, where I got and changed into my new dress. It felt strange to be wearing something so casual in public, but I couldn’t help but enjoy myself.

After making sure the two of us were ready, we spent some time exploring the village. Nevani pointed out various locations to me, explaining their significance or use or what business could be found there, and so on. We continued this for some time, until the sun started to set over the horizon. At that point, we made our way to where the festival was being held.

(Gods, this transition between scenes is horrible. I've never been good at those, I should really practice more.)

As Nevani led me to where the festival was being held, I couldn't help but find myself enjoying what I saw. This section of the town was one I had been to once or twice before, consisting of a simple pavilion and what was normally plenty of empty space around it, giving a wide berth from the clutter of huts and cabins nearby.

However, the area had drastically changed over the last day or so. The empty space had been filled with various stands, carnival games, and the like. Streamers, banners, and magic lanterns covered poles and were strung up between rooftops. Music played from a live band in the pavilion, whose songs echoed through the streets via a magic spell. The entire area was beautiful in a cozy, simple way.

"It's lovely," I said when I first saw it. Throngs of people moved through the dirt streets, mingling and chatting and playing games. I avoided them to the best of my ability, but it was nice to see all these people coming together.

Nevani shot me a smirk. "C'mon, don't tell me triton don't have parties."

"We do, but this is different. More personal, if that makes sense. And less overbearing on my senses."

"I hear that." Nevani stepped forward then bounced on her heel to twirl towards me. "C'mon, there's a lot to check out. I bet--Oh! There they are!"

I followed Nevani's gaze to find two Cinderblood's heading our way. One was Riyis, now outfitted in a casual tan-brown robe bearing Infernal symbols and stitchwork. Next to him was an orange Cinderblood wearing a light blue dress. The two were standing close together, each blushing faintly.

(For reference, as far as I know, the difference between a robe and dress is small enough that it doesn't matter, but Riyis preferred to call his garment the former so that's what I go with.)

Nevani waved them down, grinning. "Hey you two! Over here!"

The two of them made their way over to us. Riyis smiled when he approached, looking bashful. "Nevani, Nyrela. Glad to see you two didn't run off."

"And miss the chance to see you two together?" Nevani made a pfft sound, waving her hand dismissively. "Never. I'm just happy you're both here. I take it you're both here together?"

The orange Cinderblood nodded, smiling. "We are," they said in a soft and demure voice. "Riyis asked me out just a few minutes ago. I guess this makes it our first date."

"I'm happy for both of you," I told them both. "I'm glad to see you were able to move forward with the plan."

Riyis patted his robe pocket. "Well…I had some help." He gave me a wink, and I had to stop myself from chuckling. The wonders of a well-placed placebo.

The orange Cinderblood glanced at me. They bowed their head and said, “It’s nice to meet you, Nyrela. Nevani’s told us a lot about you. I’m Valpha.”

I mimicked their motion, bowing my head in acknowledgement. “I had a feeling. It’s nice to meet you too.” I paused, trying to think of a good conversation starter. Idle chat was not my forte, but I’ve learned that some people appreciate it. Eventually I settled on, “I like your dress.”

Valpha smiled. “Thank you! I like yours too. It looks really cute on you.”

I felt my cheeks heat up. Instinctively, a stupid smile snuck its way onto my face. “Oh, I--Ah, well--That…” I took a deep breath. What was this feeling bubbling up inside me? I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but it felt almost…prideful.

I took a breath and focused myself before saying, “Thank you. That--That means a lot to me.”

Nevani glanced over each of us, grinning as she shook her hands back and forth. “Seriously guys, I’m glad we actually managed to do this. It means a lot to me. Why don’t we go check out the games?” As she said that, she walked onward--only to bump into someone along the way. She bounced back, shaking her head. “Ack--Sorry about that, I didn’t mean--” Her words fell away as she looked up, finally recognizing who she was talking to. “...Oh.”

The Cinderblood looked down on Nevani. About as tall as me, with horns that curled straight up like an antelope’s, she had pink skin and long, white hair that cascaded down her shoulders. She wore a beautiful white-and-pink floral dress, ringed with various jewelry. Her mannerisms were something I’d expect from a noble--delicate, controlled, refined, her expression like she saw herself above us normal people. When she looked at Nevani, it was like she was looking at a pitiful wounded animal, not a person.

“Oh,” the pink Cinderblood said. Her voice was higher-pitched, and held a curious tone. She smiled in a way that held no warmth, no kindness. “Nevani, what a surprise. I didn’t think you’d be here today. I thought your humiliation at the last festival would have been enough for you.”

“Save your breath, Lehala,” Nevani growled. She flicked one of her hands angrily, though for a moment it seemed less like a stim and more she was considering what she wanted to do to Lehala. “I’m here with my friends. We don’t want anything to do with you or any of your sycophants. Just leave us alone.”

Lehala chuckled. “Please--I have better things to do than watch you have your little spasms. I was actually headed to the pavilion. Mavrias and I were going to enter the dance contest there. I would ask if you’re doing the same, but I don’t think those convulsions you do with your hands count as dancing.”

Nevani took a step forward, immediately countered by Lehala taking a fearful step back. Riyis and Valpha set their hands on Nevani’s shoulders as if to physically restrain her. I can’t exactly blame her--I’ve been in fights over similar comments before. Not that it’s morally right to attack someone over insults…But I’ve been there.

Nevani narrowed her eyes, her fists held in such a way that it looked like she was preparing in case she needed to swing a punch. “For your information we weren’t interested in your dance, you arrogant little harpy. We don’t need to have people throwing praise on us so we can function as a person.”

Lehala crossed her arms over her chest. “At least people praise me. Freaks like you are lucky to even be allowed at this festival. All you do is make everyone else uncomfortable. You think people want to watch you flap your hands in public or make weird noises? It’s an embarrassment.”

Valpha narrowed their eyes. “No it isn’t! Nevani’s stims are endearing and we love her for it!”

“Yeah!” Riyis agreed. He stepped forward, so he was right next to Nevani. “She’s perfect the way she is. Meanwhile you’re just an asshole.”

Lehala rolled her eyes. “Coming from you two, neither of those things means much.” She glanced over at me, her expression changing. Her gaze softened and her posture became less aggressive. “You’re new though. People have been talking about the new fish person on the Isles. You sure you want to be hanging around these people? It’s not healthy.”

I tried my best to appear neutral, uninterested. “And why is that exactly?”

“They’re not exactly good for your reputation,” Lehala reminded me. “It’s a small island. Rumors spread fast. If you don’t watch your step, you might find you’re not welcome here anymore.”

“Is that so?” I matched her gaze with a calm, half-lidded stare. The same kind I normally adopt when I’m trying to remain professional in an agitating situation. Gardrin probably knows it by heart, I’m sure. “Well, it’s kind of you to offer your opinion, but it’s not needed. Nevani has proven herself as an invaluable ally. I wouldn’t trade her in for anyone, much less someone so shallow.”

Lehala’s nostrils flared at that one, betraying anger that her otherwise cool expression wouldn’t allow. She scoffed, turning on her heel. “Whatever. Just stay out of my way--it’s best for everyone.” With that, she walked off towards the pavilion.

Riyis waited until she was out of earshot before saying, “Wow, you actually got a response out of her. Good job, Nyrie.”

“I’m not a fan of bullies,” I told him. “I dealt with too many of them growing up. Besides, she reminds me of someone I know.”

“That someone must be an ass.”

“She is.”

Nevani shook her head. “At least she might leave us alone now. All we have to do is avoid the dance and whatever she does afterward.”

Valpha sighed. “Too bad. I was actually thinking of entering the dance contest.”

Riyis’ cheeks lit up again. “You, uh, you were?” “Mhm. I thought we could enter together.” Valpha cupped their hands together. “I guess that’s out of the picture.”

I glanced at the pavilion as a plan began to develop in my head. “...There may be a way you can.”

Valpha tilted their head. “What do you mean?”

“She might not be interested in you if she’s focused on something else. Or someone.” I turned to Nevani and offered her a sly smile. “How do you feel about a dance?”

Nevani looked like someone had just slapped her out of nowhere. “A dance? I thought we were agreeing to stay out of her way?”

“We could, but people like her will find a way to harass you regardless. I thought we might be able to upstage her if we play our cards right--show her that we’re not going to sit idly by while she insults you.”

Nevani looked uncertain. “That’s great and all, but I think she’s a better dancer than I am. I don’t think we’ll be upstaging anybody.”

“You’re a good dancer,” Valpha assured her.

“Not as good as her. She knows all the traditional Cinderblood dances better than I do, and she knows it.”

“Then we won’t perform a Cinderblood dance,” I said. “I know a few dances I learned in the Dominion. Plus, I have some tricks up my sleeve. Just let me lead and she’ll be too distracted to care what Valpha and Riyis do.”

Nevani flicked her hand against her other wrist, looking unsure. “Are you sure? You just got to the Isles. It’s a bit early to start making enemies.”

“Please, what is she going to do? Call me names? I can handle it. But only if you’re interested in this plan. I won’t force you.” I didn’t mention the fact that some part of me recognized Lehala as similar to Fenlyn, my own bully from when I was young. Part of me, in a very petty way, saw this as some form of revenge on my part. But nobody needs to know that.

Nevani was quiet for a moment. “Well…I would like to show her up in a way that doesn’t involve a fight. A contest sounds as good a way as any.”

“Excellent.” I offered her a pleasant smile. “I think this will be a very exciting dance. Let’s go.”

With that, we all headed for the pavilion. Made of the same red wood the Heart Shrine was carved from and with the same level of care and intricate nature, it was pretty to look at on its own. However, now it was decorated much like the rest of the street was. A number of people could be seen standing underneath it, including a table of who I assumed to be judges, various would-be dancers, and the live band I mentioned earlier. I could spot Lehala and a red Cinderblood who I assumed to be Mavrias standing close together.

The four of us went over to the judges and, after a brief sign-up process, took our places waiting to begin dancing. Nevani and I stood in front of each other, her hands in mine. A part of me was nervous--after all, dancing like this wasn’t commonly seen as a platonic gesture, but I consoled myself with the reminder of how much I wanted to spite Lehala.

Nevani didn’t seem nervous. If she was, she didn’t show it. Instead she was glancing towards Lehala and Mavrias, her expression clouded by something I couldn’t read. Anger? Frustration? I wasn’t sure. I decided to distract her with some conversation.

“So,” I started, “Would you prefer a fast or slow dance?”

“Hm?” Nevani turned back to face me. “Oh, uh. I dunno. It sounds like it’s gonna be pretty improvised. I guess fast? Might be harder to see mistakes that way.”

“Noted.” I glanced over the other contestants. I noticed a few of them seemed to have magical effects over them--glowing eyes, sparkling hands, glimmering feet, the like. “Is it just me or are people using magic on themselves?”

“It’s a part of the contest. Showmanship is a major bit. Thaumaturgy and Prestidigitation are used to show off and improve how your dance looks. It’s a whole thing.” She shook her head. “I don’t suppose you know one of those spells?”

“I know something like that. It might be something a little more unique though.” I closed my eyes, focusing my willpower. This would be quite the trick if I could pull it off--I hoped I wouldn’t be overextending my own abilities. “Just follow my lead. At the very least, we’ll draw people’s attention. It should be fun.”

“Whatever you say, Nyrie.” The band’s songs came to a lull, leading to the lights being dimmed. Spotlights began to shine down on every group of dancers as a new song began to start up. “It’s time.”

“Then let’s show them what we’ve got.” Around us, the various dancers began to start their routines. We did likewise. I started by holding Nevani close--one hand on her hip and the other on her hand, while her free hand was settled on my shoulder. We started to sway around our little area, stepping back and forth, side to side. Nevani would later compare the initial motions to a more subtle form of a ‘waltz’, some kind of surfacer dance. Less dramatic, taking up less space--more of a chance to test ourselves and fall into a pattern together.

As we went on, however, our dance became a little more fast-paced, beginning to take up more room. We would shift to keeping each other at arm’s length, each of us dancing separately, connected only by our cusped hands, before pulling back together to hold each other, the two of us circling around ourselves the whole time. Later, Valpha would compare this version of our dance to something called ‘swing’, which sounds about as much an appropriate descriptor as any.

Now, I won’t say I’m the best dancer, but I have experience. My mother taught me well, and I've practiced various dances in my training as a spiritweaver. I have the dexterity, and reflexes, and the memory. I can dance rather well. The biggest issue is that I lack a certain charismatic element, a showmanship that turns a good dance into a great one. The ability to deviate from a formula in just the right way to make it perfect? I can’t do that. All I can do is follow routine.

But I have ways of making up for that, like so.

I concentrated my efforts and focused my own energy. As I danced, I summoned all of my power and channeled it through the dance, much like I would channel it through my swimming. Soon, something began to change around us. A fine, sparkling mist--not too thick, just enough to be noticeable--began to form around us.

Nevani looked surprised by the sudden vapor, but she didn’t pause. We kept going, kept moving, tapping our feet and hopping back and forth, never staying in one place as though doing so would burn our feet. It took time, but eventually we managed to adapt to each other’s movements, learning to follow the other’s path. We were disjointed at first, but we learned how to adapt and work together.

That’s when I added in the next phase of my plan. As part of the dance, I stomped my foot in place, and when it touched the ground a puff of flames burst from my feet. The fire dissipated immediately, proving harmless, but it managed to catch attention. I used my powers to make it so little sparks of flame would appear whenever our feet touched the ground or moved across the floor.

And so our dance went on. Shrouded in mist, marked by flame, we danced back and forth, moving faster and faster as time went on. We bowed, we shook, we leapt. I would twirl her under my arm and she would pull herself back to me. The whole time, the elements themselves followed us. I would summon the earth below us to mold itself into steps that would allow us to leap higher or move up or down. We would pass a lantern and I would cause the fire to make shapes or shift to our liking. We continued to dance around the elements, much to the interest of the crowd.

Surprisingly, I was having to put forth little effort to do these tricks. I always learned to use swimming and dancing to control my powers, but I’ve never really had the chance to test that idea out on the surface. I wonder if there's something to be said for the combat applications of this. Oh well, that's a thought for another time.

The two of us dazzled the audience with our moves. We danced with fervor and passion, with a determination that was impossible to deny. The two of us were so focused on our dance, we didn't notice the other dancers stopping, one by one, until only we remained.

The dance finally came to an end when Nevani twirled away from me, was pulled close once more, and finally was dipped low. The mist and flames fell away, leaving the two of us short of breath, staring into each other's eyes. We were so focused, we barely noticed a voice called out among the crowd.

"It looks like we have a winner!" Declared one of the judges. The crowd cheered loudly as I helped Nevani stand up straight. Her eyes were still fixated on me as mine searched the room. Off to one side of the pavilion, I could see an angry Lehala stomp off through the crowd.

I chuckled. "I think we did pretty well, don't you?"

Nevani nodded slowly. Her cheeks lit up a faint red color as she said, "Definitely." She paused, looking uncertain. "Ah…Nyrie? Thanks for the dance. It meant a lot."

"I'm glad you liked it," I told her. I let go of her hands and started towards the judges' table. "You should've seen the look on Lehala's face. She was furious."

"Was she? I guess I was a little too distracted to notice." Nevani made a point of not meeting my eyes. It could have been me looking too far into things, but the nervous way she looked almost seemed like someone who had a crush.

But that was impossible, right?

We went over to the judges' table, where we were congratulated for our victory and each given ribbons to signify our win. After that, we met back up with Riyis and Valpha, who were absolutely elated from what they had seen.

"That was incredible," Riyis had told us as we walked from the pavilion. "You two looked amazing out there!"

"We got to see some of it, after it really took off," Valpha said. "Where did you learn to dance like that, Nyrela?"

"Years of practice," I explained. "I had to go to a lot of formal functions growing up, both for school and related to my grandfather's work. I learned a few ways to dance. I'm just glad it worked. How was your dance together?"

Valpha smiled and held close to Riyis. "It was wonderful. We weren't as showy as you two, but we had fun. I loved it."

Riyis blushed. "Y-Yeah. It was pretty great. Thanks for giving the crowd a distraction. It was easier knowing people weren't really watching us."

"It was my pleasure," I told them both. "So, what do we do now?"

"Why don't we celebrate your win?" Riyis offered. "We can get some drinks and enjoy some of the festivities. Should be fun."

"If that's what you do here, sure." I glanced at Nevani. "Think that's a good idea?"

Nevani jumped, like I had startled her from her thoughts. "Oh, er…Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good, sure. Let's go." Was I imagining it, or were her eyes on me the entire time? A nervousness began brewing in my chest, and I started to worry that maybe I had pushed things too far with the dance.

And with that, we moved on from the pavilion properly. Riyis and Valpha led us to a stand where we bought bottles of something called 'devil ichor'. The name sounded concerning, but they reassured me over and over again that it was a simple alcoholic beverage with nothing truly devious about it.

We spent the next…Gods, I don't know how long. The ichor was strong enough that even when I drank it slowly and carefully, I had trouble keeping track of things. It might have been ten minutes. It could have been a few hours. All I know is we played carnival games, talked, and otherwise enjoyed ourselves over the night.

Eventually, we found ourselves on the beach, sitting on towels and talking as we watched the waves lap at the shoreline. We each had glasses in our hands with various amounts of ichor in each. I was the only one who had yet to push past my second cup, and the effects were noticeable.

"Let's go another round," I said with a wild grin. "I loooove this game. You know, we had a shim--similar one back in the Dominion. But it involved fighting monsters and all."

"As everything does in the Dominion, I notice," Nevani said with a wry smile. She looked considerably more casual since time had passed since our dance, but she would still glance at me from time-to-time, as if studying me. "Alright, let's go again. I pick…Valpha, truth or dare?"

Valpha beamed. "Truth! Let's hear it!"

"Alright. Is it true or not: You've had a crush on Riyis since you were ten?"

Valpha's eyes widened. "How did you know about that?"

Nevani chuckled. "You guys are not subtle at all. I realized you two had feelings for each other years ago. Took you forever to say it."

Valpha blushed a deep red. "Alright, fine, it's true. But that's an easy question. Next one, I want something hard. I guess it's my turn to ask though…Nyrela, you were excited. Truth or dare?"

"Dare!" I practically cheered the word, throwing a fist in the air. "Hit me with your best ship--shot! I mean shot."

"Hehe, alright." Valpha thought for a moment. "I dare you to…Do a cool elemental trick! Like one of the ones you did at the dance!"

I giggled. "I can do that! Watch this!" I handed my drink to Nevani then stood up. I walked over to the sea and dipped a finger into the water, then raised my arms and muttered Aquan words of power.

Suddenly, a massive ring of water surrounded the group, appearing from thin air--twenty feet in diameter, twenty feet high, and one foot thick. The group gasped, then cheered, some of them running their hands through the water.

I walked through the water as if it was nothing, returning to my spot. "See? Any triton can do that. It's a fun little--sorta like a party trick!"

"It's amazing," Valpha said, their voice tinged with awe. "I wish I could do that."

"You could," I told them. "Just needs practice, persistence, and…Some other P word? Pestilence? No, that's not it…"

Nevani chuckled. "You're a lot louder when you're drunk, you know that? I didn't realize you could be so sociable."

I feigned a gasp, placing a hand to my chest. "You wound me! I am completely sociable. I socialize with plenty of people!"

"I think sociable means more than just being willing to talk to people," Riyis said. "She's right though--you're chattier when you're drunk."

"I just have a lot to say," I said with a shrug. "It helps that I have cool people to say it to." At the word cool, I waved my fingers and caused a chilled mist to appear around my hand, which I flung at them. "Besides, I just--"

"You!"

I paused, glancing aside to see who was interrupting us. Standing in front of the water wall, on the outside, was none other than Lehala and Mavrias.

I frowned. "Oh. We have company. I'll deal with this." I stepped forward and dunked my face in the water, sticking it out onto the other side. "This is a private party, you're not invited. Go away."

Lehala's eyes narrowed. She stepped up to me and jabbed a finger towards my face. "You're the one who showed me up at the dance contest! What do you have to say for yourself?"

I thought for a moment. "Good question. I suppose…You deserve it for being horrible to my friend. And I reiterate, go away."

Lehala stomped her foot. "You are not going to brush me off like that! Tonight was supposed to be my night! I was going to win the contest until you came along! I do not deserve to be shown up like this!"

I shook my head. "I disagree. You were saying horribubble--horrible things to Nevani. You are the last person to deserve winning any sort of prize. You are also an 'asshole'." I glanced back at the others. "Am I saying that right?"

Before I could get a reply, I felt a pair of big, meaty hands grab me by the shoulders and pull me outside the wall. Mavrias glared daggers at me as he growled, "That's crossing a line, fish. Nobody calls my girlfriend names."

Now, if I had been sober, I may have said something wiser to de-escalate the situation. I would have formally apologized, backed away, or just not have insulted them to begin with. But I was badly drunk and my sense of reason was heavily impaired. So I said something I never would have said under normal circumstances.

"I did though," I pointed out, acting casually as though I was not currently being held against my will. "And I was wrong. Because you're both assholes for your treatment of Nevani. You are just horrible bullies, nothing more."

I could hear gasps behind me from the others, but I didn't care. In the height of intoxication I was experiencing, I felt it was only right to tell the truth. I also wasn't afraid of consequences, because why would I be? I was a soldier. I wasn't in any real danger.

Mavrias snarled at me. I watched as he reeled back his fist…And then I struck. I jabbed my fist outward and hit him in the stomach, hard. He let go of me suddenly, stumbling backwards. Lehala gasped and stepped back, as if afraid I would turn to her next.

"Your first mistake was broadcasting your attack by rearing your fist back," I informed him in a 'helpful' tone of voice. "You should try to give your opponent as little information as possible."

Mavrias glared, too busy catching his breath to do anything. Once he regained his ability to breathe, he launched himself at me.

I sighed, side-stepping him with ease. He would have been thrown through the Wall of Water, had I not grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him back. He did, however, get his head soaked for a moment or two before I was able to pull him away.

I stepped aside, placing ample distance between the two of us as he coughed up water. "You shouldn't have done that," I warned. "You could have just left us alone. Now you're an asshole who looks the part. Please go away before you humiliate yourself more."

He didn't listen. Instead he ran at me and tried throwing a barrage of punches at me. I dodged all of them. Even in my drunken state, avoiding an untrained civilian from hitting me was one of the easiest things I could do. The harder part was trying to stay upright when I kept swaying from side to side.

“You know,” I started, “It would be easier if you just gave up. There’s no same--Shame in knowing you lost.” He simply kept throwing punches, so I shrugged. “Alright, guess we’re doing this the hard way.”

I ducked under his arm and kicked his feet out from under him, giving him a push. He fell forward, face-planting into the sand with a thud. “Are we done yet? I want to go back to talking with my friends.”

“Mavrias!” Lehala ran over to him and knelt beside the fallen tiefling. He sat up, covered in sand that stuck to his still-wet skin and hair. It didn’t look comfortable, but I suppose this was his own doing.

I held my hands behind my back, shifting on the balls of my feet. “Are we going to keep going or are we done? Because I was bish--busy, you know.”

Lehala narrowed her eyes at me. “This isn’t over, fish. I’ll make sure that everybody knows what you’re like.”

“Uh-huh, alright. Are you leaving now?”

Lehala scoffed. She helped Mavrias to his feet and the two of them hurried away, back to the village. Once they were gone, I let the Wall of Water fade away as I turned back to the group.

Riyis ran over to me with a cackle and grin. “That was awesome, Nyrie. Can’t believe you’re so fast. He didn’t even land a hit on you.”

“You should teach us how to do that,” Valpha said. “It would help so much around here.”

Nevani made her way over to me. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she approached. “You stood up for me,” she noted. Her tone was neutral, careful. “Nobody but these two have ever done that. And they’ve never really been able to back me up in a fight.”

I must have looked so dumb with that big smile on my face. “Couldn’t help it. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Especially not one of my friends.” The words came to me like they were out of a script. Half-remembered stories of triton warriors rescuing fair citizens in need came to mind. I felt like this was what she wanted, even though some part of me was filled with terror.

Nevani stopped when she was right in front of me, looking up into my eyes. “It’s, uh, awfully brave of you to do that. Considering you had nothing to gain from it.”

“You didn’t have anyfing--aaaanything to gain from helping me with the monkeys, but you did anyway.” I giggled, imagining how silly I must be with how I was slurring my words. “I’m repaying the favor.”

Nevani’s eyebrows knit together. “At your own expense. She’s going to make your life here hell, you know that right?”

“She can try. But I’m a soldier. I don’t scare easily.” I crossed my arms over my chest, grinning. “Besides, someone had to defend your honor.”

(If you can hear grinding noises, that's my teeth. 'Defend your honor'? Was I possessed by the spirit of a knight of antiquity? Who says something like that? I hate every second I recall this.)

Nevani raised an eyebrow. “‘Defend my honor’?”

“Yeah! Like…Like in all those books, when someone likes you, you defend them. That’s what you do.” I can remember, in my half-conscious drunken stupor, thinking this was the right thing to do. She liked me--she asked me out, she tried flirtatious jokes on me, and she kept acting nervous this whole time. This must be what she wanted…And I had to go along with it, because we're friends, right?

Nevani’s eyes widened, her blush returning in full force. “When someone…likes you?”

And in that moment, I decided to do something incredibly stupid.

Here’s my defense: I grew up with these old, cheesy romance books. They were a large part of how I learned to socialize with people when actual face-to-face conversation didn’t work. I read tons of them, over and over, and I learned some pretty terrible lessons from most of them. It wasn’t great.

One lesson I learned was a sense of dramatic timing. What I was doing now, right at that moment? It was the part of the story where the hero and their romantic partner come together, after several trials and tribulations, and they realized how important they were for each other. They would step together, lean in…

And they would share a kiss.

In my intoxicated state of mind, all I could think was, This is what the books say to do. This is what she wants. So I leaned forward, closed my eyes, and kissed her on the lips.

And that's all I can remember.

Yeah, really impressive, that. My memory faded right at that moment. I couldn’t remember what we did next, or where I went after. Everything is just blank after that second. Terribly convenient, isn’t it?

I do remember where I woke up though, because it wasn’t Kai’s cabin.

The first thing I thought when I opened my eyes was, Gods damn it, my head is killing me. There was a strong throbbing in my skull that felt like the pain was bouncing around off the edges of my brain, back and forth, reverberating and growing stronger with each passing second. It was hell, and unfortunately I had a feeling I knew why.

“This is why I should know better than to drink,” I groaned. I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes. “I should ask Kai if she has a tonic…to…Huh?” I blinked a few times. This wasn’t my room. This wasn’t any part of Kai’s cabin that I knew. I glanced around for some recognizable sign, eventually managing to get a glimpse of some photographs on the bed-side table.

Photographs of three familiar Cinderbloods: Nevani, Riyis, and Valpha.

My eyes widened. “Is this…Nevani’s room?” I glanced down at the bed. Yep, this was definitely not mine. It was a large bed, big enough for two people, though I was the only one in it at the moment. “Why am I…? Wait.” My eyes narrowed. “These aren’t my clothes.”

I tossed away the blanket, revealing that I indeed wasn’t wearing my dress, or even one of my normal outfits. I was wearing a simple pink nightgown that I had never seen before. I guessed that it must have been Nevani’s, because who else's could it be?

Now, dear reader. Imagine you’re me. You just woke up, you have a terrible hangover, you can’t remember anything past a certain time last night, and you just woke up in your friend’s bed wearing some of her clothes. What do you think my panic-prone brain would jump to as the first conclusion?

“Oh my gods,” I whispered. “Oh gods, oh gods--Did I…? Did we…?” I felt my breath catch, my hands shake, my heartbeat race. “Did I sleep with Nevani?!”

All at once a feeling of anxiousness flooded into me. Gods no, I can't believe this. I can't believe I fucked this relationship up so badly--figuratively and literally. This is so unlike me, I never mess up this bad. Fuck, fuck.

I fell back against the bed, groaning as I held my hands against my face. Well, this is it, I decided. Time to never show my face here again. If I'm lucky Kai can hide me in her cabin for the rest of forever. I can live in her attic or hide in the water whenever someone comes to visit. Gods know I won't be able to face anyone from the village now.

I just laid there for a few minutes, waiting for the panic to die down. Eventually I acknowledged that there may be some other reason for waking up like this, but that was a small consolation. Even if we didn't sleep together, I still made a fool of myself while intoxicated. I was giggly and loud and overly-friendly and happy and it was so embarrassing. I felt like I was going to die.

After some time, I realized that while I did not want to face Nevani after last night, I had to eventually, if only to discover where my clothes and satchel were. So I pushed myself out of bed and headed to the doorway. I took a deep breath, tried and failed to calm myself, then opened the door and headed downstairs.

When I got downstairs, I found that--for better or for worse--Nevani was waiting for me. She was sitting at her dining room table, eating some form of eggs and bacon, a Terminus delicacy I was starting to enjoy thanks to Kai.

"Good morning, sleepy," Nevani said with a soft smile. "I was wondering when you'd wake up. That ichor hit you hard. Come on down, breakfast is ready."

I nodded weakly. "Right…" I headed over to the table and made myself a plate, tossing on it some of the purple-yellow mounds of scrambled eggs and the blood-red bacon. "Thanks for, um, making this…"

"It's the least I could do after what you did for me last night," Nevani said. She took a bite of her eggs and smiled. "Thanks, by the way. Your performance was fantastic."

I frowned as I shoveled food into my mouth. Is…Is this innuendo? It can't be--I've never had sex before. There's no way she's commenting on my…technique. Unless I was so pitiful she's trying to spare my feelings, which is a real possibility. Gods below, I'm never drinking again.

Nevani quirked an eyebrow. "You're quiet this morning. What's wrong, razor-cat got your tongue?"

I was so tempted to stall, to try and be vague enough to avoid saying something stupid on purpose. Part of me figured I could find out the truth on my own without any awkward questions. But the realist in me knew that would be a disaster. Honesty is, in most scenarios, the best policy, and I can't hide information for the life of me.

Which meant it was time for a difficult conversation.

"I'm just a little…nervous," I admitted. "I, um…Can't exactly recall much after the fight with Mavrias. Everything's blank. Would you mind telling me what exactly happened?"

Nevani looked surprised. "Oh, uh, sure. Didn't think the ichor messed you up that badly. What do you want to know specifically? Or do you want a general overview?"

"An overview would be nice."

"Alright, let's see…" She thought about it for a moment. "Well, you were kinda…messed up at that point. We had a bit more ichor to celebrate everything and you were so bad off you couldn't walk well. I considered taking you to Kai's, but I wasn't sure you weren't going to fall off the ferry, so I improvised and took you home. Hence the fact that you're here."

I nodded. "Makes sense so far…But how did I get in your bed?" Please don't say we slept together.

"Not much to say there. You were acting weird--not bad weird, but definitely different. Eventually I suggested you take a nap. I loaned you a nightgown 'cause your dress was soaked from that Wall of Water stunt. Then I let you have the bed since you're the guest and I took the couch. That's about it."

I nearly sighed with relief. "So…Nothing else happened? Nothing…notable?"

Nevani shrugged. "Well, there was the kiss. But aside from that, no, nothing."

I felt all the fear and anxiety leave my body at once. "Oh thank gods we didn't have sex--Wait, kiss?"

Nevani's eyes widened "Wha--Yeah, kiss, can we back up? You thought we had sex?"

My face felt like it was burning as hot as Novak's skin. "I--I didn't quite think that was the case," I lied blatantly. "I just--You see…Well, when you wake up in someone else's clothes in their bed--" My words fell away. I sunk into my chair and groaned. "Just do me a favor and kill me now."

To Nevani's credit, she didn't look upset. Just surprised. After a few seconds, she even began to laugh. "I-I’m sorry, I don't mean to--It's just funny that that was your first thought. I never would have slept with you."

I felt a strange mixture of relief and offense. "Uh…Okay?"

"Not like that!" Nevani cracked a grin. "Just…You were drunk. You clearly weren't thinking clearly. I wasn't going to sleep with you unless you were conscious enough to agree to it, you know?"

"Ah…Gotcha." Well, that was one weird concern down. But that did leave one thing behind… "But we did…kiss, right? I'm not imagining that?"

Nevani shook her head. "Nope, that was real. And it was sweet too. I didn't know you had feelings for me, Nyrie."

I felt all of the stress come back at once. "I didn’t know either…” I slumped back in my seat, suddenly not feeling very hungry anymore. I set my fork down and tried my best to concentrate through the waves of anxiety flowing through me.

Nevani must have noticed, because I could see her eyebrows knit together. “You know, I could be wrong, but most people usually don’t respond to this kind of thing by looking like their dog died.”

“No, no, it’s not that, it’s just…” I tried to think about how best to put this. Unfortunately, there was no easy way to explain it. So I took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know if I actually have feelings for you. I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean for all this to happen.”

“Huh. So, do triton just kiss as a platonic thing, or…?”

“No, it’s just…” I crossed my arms over my chest, hugging my torso tight. “I read a lot of romance books growing up. They always said the kinda stuff you’re supposed to do when this kinda stuff happens. And I thought you looked like you were interested in me, and I was confused, and I knew that when someone likes you, you’re supposed to say yes, and I guess in my drunken mindset, I just…did. Without thinking.”

Nevani frowned. “So…You kissed me because you thought that’s what I wanted?”

“Well, yes. And because I thought it was expected of me. I thought that was the normal thing to do. Because I was raised by books with no normal experience in this kind of stuff.” I sighed. “I’m sorry, Nevani. I didn’t mean to lead you on, I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship by doing the wrong thing. I wish I thought it through more.”

Nevani shrugged. “It’s fine, Nyrie, really. People always make mistakes when they’re that drunk. Kissing friends because you’re absolutely hammered isn’t exactly some new thing. I just thought you had a crush on me. You know, after the dance and everything.”

I shook my head. “No. I mean, you’re wonderful, you’re a great person to be around and I’m really thankful, but…I don’t know if I like…Well, you know--”

“Girls?”

I dipped my head, sighing. “Anybody. I’ve never been in a position where I could really judge romantic interests. Most people at home ignored me at best. Hated me at worst. I had a close friend, but she was my only friend. I had no way of comparing my feelings for people to see what platonic feels like versus romantic. And even if I did…Well, I was too busy for romance, and I wasn’t in a position to be dating anybody given my situation.”

I leaned my head back, staring at the roof. “So that’s it. I don’t know if I have romantic feelings. If I do, I don’t know who towards. I’m at a stage socially that everybody else was at when they were ten. I’m really sorry if that’s disappointing. If I could change it, I would. But that’s not an option…like most of me.”

“Hey…” Nevani set her fork down, staring at me with a sympathetic gaze. “You don’t have to change. There’s nothing wrong with figuring yourself out. You don’t gotta try and ‘fix’ yourself so you fit other people’s expectations or desires or whatever. And if they think you have to, they can go fuck themselves.”

I felt a wistful smile curl over my lips. “I wish I had your confidence. But thanks. Even if I don’t really know where I’m going with all this, it’s nice to know someone has my back.”

“After all you did for me last night, you earned it.” Her lips curled into a smirk. “However, you should know that I will make fun of you for how you acted while drunk. You can’t get out of that.”

I groaned. “Oh gods no…”

“Nevani, I defended your honor! Now we must kiss, like in my favorite romance books!”

“I think I’d prefer it if you actually killed me.”

"Hehe. C'mon, you know I don't mean anything by it~"

And so, breakfast went on. The two of us stayed there, chatting and eating, before eventually I had to leave. I got back my satchel and changed into my proper clothes, then said one last goodbye to Nevani before heading back to Kai’s cabin. Once there, I immediately locked myself in my room and started writing out this journal entry. And that takes us to where we are now, just finishing up.

Overall, the last day or so has been generally weird. I went through a lot of new experiences--most of them good, a few not. I realize now that I may have…exaggerated in my opening paragraph, but now that I’ve written everything down, I feel a little less humiliated over everything that happened. That’s not to say that I’m over it, or that I will be any time soon, but it feels easier knowing that Nevani will only judge me a little for things like this.

So there it is. My account of the Devotion Festival. It was…nice. I enjoyed myself. It’s funny that I’m actually making new friends here--I used to have trouble making any friends at all. But I really think I’m connecting with the people on these Isles. Maybe a fresh start is just what I needed.

Anyway, I have studying to do with Kai and Lei, so I should probably stop writing. Let’s hope my next outing is a little less exciting, gods-willing.

(Ugh, that's how I'm finishing it? My endings could use some work. Oh well. At least nobody will ever see these entries but me. Here's to hoping, at least.)

Signed, Aleryn Vadorath.