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The boy was maybe ten. And although he had brown hair and eyes Illya felt like he was looking in a mirror. The boy was scared and confused, didn’t understand why he was there. Illya looked at his father’s watch. Two AM. They had been awakened in the middle of sleep and dragged here. The mother was yelling that she didn’t know anything about her husband’s businesses. She tried to keep the children near her, grabbed them like she was going to lose them forever if she let go. But they took them away from her anyway. The woman screamed when they pulled her along the corridor. The boy started to cry, his little sister already been crying. Just a tiny shrimp, couldn’t be more than seven, scared out of her wits, and her arms still reaching for her mother. Illya gritted his teeth and lowered his gaze. But he knew it was too late, the children had already seen him and he knew what that meant. He was now in their memories forever. He was a monster.
“What do you think the children know?” Illya asked of Parkov.
“They are not here to talk,” Parkov huffed. ”You know that. They are here to make the father more willing to speak.”
“Then why don’t you take them to him?” Illya wanted to know. He tried to keep himself controlled. He wanted to break something. Anything. Furniture, bones, buildings, regimes, anything in his way. He looked at his red knuckles. The skin hadn’t broken. He wanted to hit something until his bones showed and started to grind away.
“They are going there,” Parkov said and looked his watch. “Let’s say in three hours.”
Illya knew how the children would be in three hours. He had been in their place years ago. He still remembered the fear of maybe never seeing your parents again, the hunger, the cold, the loneliness.
“At least you could’ve let the children to stay together,” he huffed disdainfully and walked away. He had been alone, but these children could’ve got some comfort from each other. The boy would’ve stayed braver when he had his little sister to take care of and the girl just needed somebody to be near her. Illya didn’t want to be anywhere near that mess anymore. He didn’t want to be in the same building with it. He didn’t want to be in the same country. He wanted to turn his back to it and run away.
But he was in middle of a mission and he couldn’t leave like that. He went the small kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee. It would be a long night. Not a normal long night; it was going to be a night full of children’s crying and fear. And with those his own memories would come. Slowly Illya clenched his hand into a fist and opened it. He closed his eyes for the time it took him to take a lung full of air. He didn’t know if he could control himself until this was over. He stared into the coffee that he didn’t want anymore.
He thought of Gaby. If she were here, she would tell said that he could control himself if he wanted to. He could do it. He only needed to take hold of something good in his mind and let the bad flow past. And if he kept a hold on that good thing the bad wouldn’t crash him under it. Illya knew it, and still it would be better if Gaby were there to say it herself.
It had been only two weeks since they had last seen each other. She had waved to him at the airport when he had turned to look at her over his shoulder. It was two weeks and now it felt like an eternity. He missed her and needed her. Her warmth and comfort. Her scent in his nose. Her even breath in the dark. Anything. He would take any little thing he could get, however small; a brush, a glance. Illya would give his right hand for one of her fingers brushing against his cheek right now, this night.
***
Gaby lay on her bed in the dark. Sleep had failed her, so she stared at the ceiling. Her head was too full of thoughts. Too full of everything. Too full of Illya. And because he wasn’t there, she couldn’t sleep. Gaby always slept better next to him. She wasn’t sure why that was. Maybe she felt safer when he was there. Or maybe she knew that Illya was safe. Maybe it was both.
Gaby frowned when there was a knock on the door. Not doorbell, only knuckles against the wood. Somehow it sounded very intimate. Gaby knew Illya was in Moscow, so it couldn’t be him. And still she was sure it was. Who else would it be? Napoleon would ring the bell. But Illya would knock quietly, because he knew she would hear it anyway. And a quiet knock suited for night time.
Gaby crawled up and went to open the door. Illya leaned against the wall by the door and didn’t lift his eyes from his shoes when Gaby opened it. Leaned and hung his head. Gaby stepped aside and pulled him in. Illya removed his jacket to the coatrack, walked to the living-room and sat on the couch.
“Come,” Gaby asked and nodded her head towards the bedroom. She went in and climbed back to the bed. Illya kicked his shoes off and lay down next to her and Gaby turned on her side to look at him. Illya stared at the ceiling, like she had merely moments ago.
“I thought that you were in Moscow,” Gaby said quietly.
“We finished there. I was not needed anymore. So I left,” Illya muttered.
“What happened?” Gaby asked. This time she wanted to know. He seemed upset and Gaby needed to know. Whatever it was.
“I could not sleep,” Illya said. “Or I could, but I knew there would be nightmares. So I left, changed my flight earlier. Practically ran away from home like a child,” he huffed, disappointed at how stupidly he was acting. “But I did not felt any better in my apartment, so…”
“You came here,” Gaby finished Illya’s sentence when he didn’t.
“I rarely have nightmares when I sleep next to you,” Illya said and regretted immediately that he had said something like that.
Gaby set her hand on Illya’s arm. “What did you run away from? What happened in Moscow?” Gaby whispered.
Illya sighed lightly. “It was routine. I retrieved somebody for interrogation. He resisted. Then he did not talk and I needed to use some force,” Illya explained, his voice even. He rubbed his knuckles.
It was too dark for Gaby to see his knuckles. She didn’t know the skin was broken.
“He was guilty, refuse to talk,” Illya continued. “He was also stupid and started to act arrogantly. Somebody wanted to loosen his tongue. They brought his family there.”
Gaby heard how Illya’s voice lowered. It got thicker. They were getting near the reason he was upset.
“Scared wife and two terrified children,” Illya told her quietly. “The boy was maybe ten, same age as… The girl was smaller still, maybe seven. They did not even take the children to the father. They only told him that they were there. All of them separated in different rooms for interrogation.”
“You interrogated children?” Gaby asked concerned.
”I did not,” Illya said. ”Now wish I would have. At least I would know what to say.”
Gaby frowned.
”It was useless. The wife knew nothing about the husband’s affairs. And the children… They were children. Of course they knew nothing. You could see how frightened they were. They were dragged there in the middle of the night, separated from their mother and each other. They were cold and hungry. Kept there for hours. The girl cried the whole time. Hours,” Illya told it like every word was hard to say. ”I cannot understand how there can be so many tears in so little person,” he sighed when his voice cracked.
“Come here,” Gaby asked and pulled Illya closer.
Illya let Gaby pull himself against her. He set his forehead on her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her. He held Gaby close like she was a lifeline he was hanging on. Like she could somehow save him from everything he needed to be saved from. Gaby hugged him back, as tightly as she could. She stroked his back and her warm face pressed against his neck. Gaby’s skin was so warm Illya was sure he was freezing cold. He had never been more grateful for Gaby’s warmth and that she was sharing it with him.
Gaby took a deep breath to settle her own voice. She feared that it would crack too. “Did they interrogate you?” she asked.
“No, I was there to work,” Illya muttered.
Gaby set her lips and chin against his hair. “Did they interrogate you when they took your father?” Gaby asked again and made sure that Illya understood what she was asking.
Illya swallowed. He closed his eyes. He had never told anybody. Nobody before Gaby. “Yes,” he said and opened his eyes when he finally answered. “They took all of us. In the middle of the night. The house was full of people suddenly. I was separated from them. I feared that I would not see them ever again. That is what the men said to me.”
Gaby closed her eyes and tried to control her breathing so that she wouldn’t get too emotional.
“And my father I never did see again,” Illya whispered. “I do not know how long they kept me there, asking about things child would not know. Hours. I was tired, terrified. I have never been so scared in my life. Everybody was big and scary. Everybody yelled. They said they were going to kill my mother if I did not tell everything I knew.”
Gaby squeezed little tighter. He bent against her, let her share her comfort. Gaby was happy Illya accepted it all and didn’t turn away from her.
“I can still remember all the faces of the men who were there that night. I have not met any of them since but I still remember. I remember their threats and how it made me feel. They took my father from me. All those men turned into monsters in my head and that is what they still are. You do not forget those memories,” Illya continued quietly. He tried to breathe steady so he didn’t get angry. He was glad Gaby was there to calm him. ”And now they took these children. They probably will not see their father ever again. They were terrified and alone for hours. Now I am a monster in their memories. Forever,” Illya managed to say before his voice broke again and it made him close his mouth.
Illya was so ashamed about what had happened and what he was involved in. He buried his head against Gaby so she wouldn’t see it.
And Gaby didn’t see it. But she felt his shame. She heard it in his voice and everything he was telling. She felt it in the muscles that were stiff and tight, and in his curled-up posture. And he had basically fled the country after the interrogation. Had run to her safety. That alone was enough to tell how upset and ashamed he was. And Gaby knew why he was upset. “You are not a monster,” she whispered quietly near his ear.
“I feel like a monster,” Illya sighed and tried to manage his emotions that were all messed up. He felt everything at once, it made him dizzy. “And you need to know this,” he muttered carefully because that could be the end of everything he had with Gaby and he had caused it himself.
Gaby pulled away from Illya and looked at him as much as she could see in the dark. His eyes were looking somewhere through her, a million kilometers away. His jaw was tight. He was full of shame and insecurity. He was scared. ”Is that what you came to tell me?” Gaby asked and her voice trembled. “That you are a monster and I should know that?”
Illya nodded very slightly and kept his eyes away from hers.
“So I can do what? To decide will I have anything to do with you?” Gaby sighed in disbelief. “Is that what you are afraid of? That I’m here because I haven’t noticed that you are a monster?”
Illya finally turned his eyes to Gaby and swallowed. Even in the dark he could see how sad she looked.
“You act like we just met,” Gaby breathed out. “What do you think I have thought you go to do in Russia the past six months? Chatting lightly?” she asked disappointed and angry. ”Do you think I don’t know what kind of things you do there when you refuse to tell me? Do you think I can’t guess what kind of thing you do for your country because KGB orders you to?” Gaby snapped and pushed Illya’s shoulder angrily. “How dare you assume that I’m too stupid or innocent to understand that!”
Illya closed his eyes from Gaby’s anger. He took a quick breath of air. All the anxiety made his body unable to move and he couldn’t do more than take all she was giving.
Gaby feared she might cry. And she didn’t want to cry. Not now. “After the things we have done together you still want me to see only the monster in you,” she spat.
“I do not want you to see it,” Illya said, his voice thick and difficult. “But it is there. You cannot avoid it.”
“No,” Gaby snapped. “I’d have enough of that. You can see yourself as monstrous as you like, I can’t stop you. It’s your decision. But I get to make my own mind. I can see whatever I want to see. And I can see everything. You turn your head away when you feel something you don’t want me to see, but I can see it. I can see your pain and fear and shame. All of it,” she scolded him, her voice trembling but still unwilling to cry one tear because of him. Gaby got up to sit and twisted herself to hover over Illya. “I can see how ashamed you are that they got the children involved. It oozes out of you. You can’t hide it even if you try. Monsters aren’t ashamed of things like that. I don’t think they feel shame. I don’t think they are afraid or run to safety to somebody’s arms in the middle of the night,” Gaby continued. She let it all out and didn’t spare him. “Monsters wouldn’t be afraid that somebody can see the monster in them.” Quickly she straddled Illya, leaned closer to him and took his face in her fingers almost violently. “Stop making decisions for me. Let me decide what I see and what I don’t see.”
Illya breathed unevenly and shallowly. His mind and body were both a mess. He wanted to smash things broken and he also wanted to cry, but was unable to do either. Gaby’s fingers dug into his face so that it hurt. But he didn’t want her to stop that, either.
“Why is it so hard for you to see yourself as a human?” Gaby breathed out, exhausted. “Why you can only see the monster?”
“That is what I am trained to be,” Illya said because it was only thing he could say.
Gaby let her fingers loose. She let her hands flop off Illya’s cheeks and looked at his anxious face. She didn’t even know how to start replying to that or to deal with it. Suddenly it felt a big responsibility to be there for someone. She was scared that she would say something wrong and make things worse. She didn’t want to make things any worse to Illya even if she was frustrated that he was protecting her from things that might never even happen. Gaby sat on top of his hips, her shoulders slumped.
“Let me decide how I see you by myself,” Gaby asked and felt tired and out of breath after yelling. Suddenly she wanted to close her eyes and sleep for a year.
Illya watched her in the dark. He could barely see her face. He reached out a shaking hand, grabbed the front of her pajamas and pulled her against his chest. Gaby jammed her head in the crook of his neck and Illya hugged her close.
“Your heart is racing,” Gaby whispered powerlessly, “like it’s going to explode.”
“It feels like that,” Illya admitted. He rolled them on to their side on the bed. Gaby’s legs tangled with his legs. He looked into her face next to him on the pillow, lifted his hand, and brushed hair away from her cheek. “I see myself as I feel and I feel how they taught me to feel,” he muttered. “And you do not see me like that. I do not understand why.”
“You don’t?” Gaby asked.
Illya frowned. ”Yes, I do. But I do not believe that,” he confessed.
Gaby moved her hand to Illya’s chest and rubbed it gently. “Is it still there?” she asked and meant that stupid brand she had gave him.
“It wore off,” Illya replied.
“Did it?” Gaby whispered and kept her warm hand against his chest.
Illya stared at her in the dark. He knew that the ink had faded away, but she was right, the brand was still there. It was pressing against his chest, his heart. Gaby’s brand. He could feel it on his chest and it reminded him that he was hers now. Illya shook his head.
Gaby slid against Illya, wrapped her arms around him, pressed her cheek to his neck and hugged him close. Illya closed his eyes and buried his head in his turn in the crook of her neck.
“You are not a monster,” Gaby whispered again. “And I’m not going to see you as such even if you repeat it over and over again. You can pull away from this if you want. But if you want to stay don’t try to ruin this for yourself. Stay here. Let me decide myself who I want.”
Illya’s hands clenched into fists around her shirt’s back and he took a broken breath of air.
“Don’t try to push me away if you don’t want to just because you think that is the right thing to do,” Gaby told him. She turned her face and pressed a kiss under his ear. Slow and soft. Gaby knew that it wasn’t some quick peck she gave to made him feel better. It was a real kiss, deliberately given. It was a promise of something that was coming in some night less anxious than this. Her lips lingered because she didn’t want to let go. When she did, her face stayed touching his neck. She wanted to breathe in his scent for a little while longer.
Gaby’s kiss and her warm breath spread warmth on Illya’s neck. Her human touch on his monster skin. It made him feel like a human too. For the first time in years Illya set his emotions free. He wanted to cage himself and still he let himself free. Illya held on to Gaby and hoped that her warmth was strong enough to control him if he couldn’t do it himself.
All the fear he had carried with him ever since they had taken his father, all the things they had done to his mother, all the anger, insecurity and hidden pain were free, uncaged. Instead of breaking something, instead of rage he couldn’t control, instead of violence and tempest it paralyzed him, rendered him powerless. Illya turned his face, which he still didn’t want Gaby to see, against the pillow. He squeezed his eyes closed so tight it hurt, but he couldn’t do anything anymore. The emotions were already moving, hitting him down, making his body heavy, choking him and pushing tears out of his eyes. He was drowning in his feelings.
The only thing keeping him from submerging was Gaby’s touch, her cheek against his head, her arms around him. Illya wasn’t sure did he deserve it. Maybe he did. Maybe Gaby was right and he was only human. He was burying his head in a pillow so that a girl couldn’t see his tears. That felt a very human thing.
His emotions calmed in the dark after a while. They lay on the bed; foreheads pressed together, noses brushing against one another, Gaby’s hand on Illya’s neck, Illya’s hand on Gaby’s waist. Minutes ticked by and they just lay there.
“Being with you feels very complicated,” Illya said quietly but it surprised Gaby still; she didn’t expect him to say anything. His voice was thick and husky. “And easy at the same time.”
Gaby hummed and waited to see if he would continue.
“You are comforting and scary at the same time,” he muttered.
“Am I scary?” Gaby whispered.
Illya nodded against Gaby’s forehead. “Sometimes I do not even know how I should be around you.”
“Just be as you are,” Gaby said quietly. She stroked Illya’s neck with her thumb. “I like you how you are. You don’t have to be anything else. Don’t try to be better. Don’t try to be worse.”
Illya closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Gaby reached to press a kiss on his forehead and sealed it in by pressing her forehead back against Illya’s. She closed her eyes and her thumb kept stroking his neck. Illya felt love. He loved. Like a human. He didn’t have that much experience with love, but still he felt it. It was warm and safe and scary. Like Gaby.