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Sliding into Kakyoin’s arms is so easy that Jotaro paradoxically finds it difficult.
He hesitates, his eye twitching just a little as he glances from his bed to Kakyoin’s in the double room they’re sharing. Kakyoin raises his brows at him from where he’s already under the sheets, lifting the comforter for Jotaro to slip beside him. Not the sheet, just the comforter – he knows Jotaro will get overheated if he makes him sleep underneath both with him.
Jotaro’s moving and slipping in before he can think much more about it.
Kakyoin lets out a small oof, and Jotaro opens his mouth to gruff out some sort of apology, but the breath in he takes to do so is full of Kakyoin’s latest hand cream – a green apple sort of thing that Jotaro can taste as it slides through his nose and down his throat – and he ends up just falling limp and breathing, over and over. He isn’t sure why smells become so interesting when they’re attached to Kakyoin. The coconut hand cream he had at the start of the journey before Gray Fly crashed their plane, the palm tree cologne he picked up at some point in Singapore, the almond-smelling hotel body wash he stole around Pakistan… Jotaro just couldn’t get enough of them then just as he can’t let go of the apple now. Jotaro didn’t have much of a strong opinion about smells or how they attached to people before, but now, now, now…
Kakyoin changes so much of him that it scares him. His stomach is in a pit, his throat tight, but when Kakyoin brings his arm up to drape around Jotaro’s shoulders, he feels like he’s never wanted anything more in his life, the chill in his chest sweeping away, even if the tightness remains. It’s an odd feeling.
“Thank you,” Kakyoin murmurs, and Jotaro’s brows pinch before he looks up.
“For what?” Jotaro ruffs out, voice scratchy like he’s smoked before bed again. He hasn’t though – not for a while. Smoking before bed means he doesn’t get to smell Kakyoin as strongly.
Kakyoin shrugs, and Jotaro rolls his eyes, even as he lets him coax his shoulders down away from his ears with small brushes of his thumb, as if telling him, Down boy, as if he’s a dog.
Do dogs feel loved like this?
The thought makes Jotaro’s breath catch in his throat. Is this love? Is that what it is? Does he want it to be? The stone in his stomach becomes a whirlwind then, dragging his lungs into the all-consuming pressure, like the bottom of his body cavity has been shot down to the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
Kakyoin clears his throat and Jotaro jolts, jerking his gaze back up to him.
“For… doing this. It’s one of the last chances we’ll get before we’re camping,” Kakyoin admits in a hushed tone.
Jotaro swallows. That’s right. Tomorrow, they’re going to begin a haul through the desert to get to the boat headed for the island Avdol has been resting up on. From there, it’s Egypt, and…
And yeah. ‘One of the last chances’ is right.
“I thought for a second, you weren’t going to come to bed,” Kakyoin murmurs, and Jotaro twitches.
“Don’t say it like that,” he snaps crossly, even though his own voice is quiet.
Kakyoin just snorts at him. “I’ll say it how I like.”
And he will, Jotaro thinks, his stomach twisting up. And Jotaro will let him. Because he likes it when Kakyoin does anything, even embarrassing him.
His stomach is starting to actually hurt with the pressure it’s undergoing, his intestines slowly being dragged up into the commotion as well, and his entire body aches. Was this love? Power over another person? Did Kakyoin want to have that? Did he want Kakyoin to have that?
You scare me, Jotaro wants to say, but he isn’t sure how to form the words. I think I’m in love with you. You kind of make me want to kill myself.
Kakyoin rubs his shoulder still with his thumb. “You’re really tense tonight,” Kakyoin murmurs, and it just makes Jotaro tense tighter. “Are you okay? You don’t have to actually share the bed tonight if you don’t-”
“Kakyoin,” Jotaro’s voice spills out, cracking and squeaking against his teeth like glass, and he flinches and Kakyoin goes quiet. He stares at him, but Jotaro can’t meet his eyes. He just takes stuttered breaths, tasting that apple hand cream over and over.
Kakyoin resumes rubbing his shoulder with his thumb, patiently waiting, as always, for Jotaro to speak, and Jotaro feels the backs of his eyes burn.
“You are suffocating,” he says, voice stilted, before he flinches at his own words while Kakyoin just blinks at the sheer audacity, brows rising. “I don’t mean like-” Jotaro cuts in before Kakyoin can say anything, before he grits his teeth, a growl building in his throat. The glass from before digs into his tongue and it all hurts, he never stops hurting-
Jotaro jerks a hand out, grabbing Kakyoin’s hand and shoving it against his chest. Kakyoin tenses in his grip, jerking up onto an elbow, before pausing once Jotaro settles his hand in place. Jotaro stares at him intensely, keeping his hand pinned, and he’s honestly not really consciously sure what he’s doing either, but he just, he just-
“Kakyoin,” he repeats, softly, voice raspy, and he’s starting to wonder if maybe he did smoke and he just doesn’t remember it, but he’s drawn out of his thoughts when Kakyoin presses his hand further against his chest in turn, brows raising in realization.
“Oh…” Kakyoin murmurs, and Jotaro realizes he’s feeling his heartbeat, how it’s wispy and flighty between his ribs, and Jotaro swallows. He hadn’t realized how fast his pulse was beating until now, but now he’s unable to ignore it, the rush of blood in his ears chilling. His feet are cold. His eyes are heavy. “Oh, Jotaro,” Kakyoin says, and Jotaro squirms-
But then Kakyoin pulls back his hand, gently grabbing one of Jotaro’s own with both of his, and bringing it to his own chest, and-
Kakyoin’s heartbeat is strong against Jotaro’s buzzing fingertips, warm against his palm, and it flutters like a bird’s wings against him. It’s fast. Not even a full second passes before Jotaro feels a second beat. It’s fast, too.
Jotaro snaps his gaze up to meet Kakyoin’s, but he’s looking down at his chin, swallowing. Jotaro watches the bob of his adam’s apple.
If Kakyoin felt the same, then-
Then was it really a case of power? At the very least it couldn’t be unequal if it was. The proof is thrumming against Jotaro’s fingertips.
Something in Jotaro’s chest gives way and finally, finally, finally, his stomach floats back to where it’s supposed to be, his intestines dangling back to their own respective space, the pressure that was choking him from the inside of his throat out lifting. The glass in his tongue clears. Jotaro swallows it all down, clearing his mouth, and parts his lips, but he can’t think of anything to say.
Kakyoin watches him. Eventually he pulls his hands from Jotaro’s, and even though Jotaro is no longer pinned in place, he keeps his fingertips against Kakyoin’s heart. Kakyoin’s hand moves back to Jotaro’s shoulder, skating along the skin, before moving up to cup his cheek. Jotaro swallows. Now that his stomach has relaxed, his eyelids feel so much heavier. As if he knows it, Kakyoin gently reaches and thumbs one of his eyes shut. Jotaro lets out a rumbly noise, but he doesn’t mind enough to stop him.
“Thank you, Jotaro,” Kakyoin says softly, and Jotaro still doesn’t know what he’s saying that for. But Kakyoin presses closer, slipping his other arm underneath Jotaro’s ribs to come up around his back, and there’s no way that is going to be comfortable for either of them for long, but-
But Jotaro goes, allowing himself to be pulled flush against Kakyoin, his hand still against his heart. At this angle, Kakyoin can rest his forehead against Jotaro’s own chest, and he swallows thickly when he realizes this.
Jotaro kicks out lightly then, tangling their legs the best he can even when Kakyoin is under the sheet and he is over it. Kakyoin laughs, his breath minty from the hotel toothpaste, and Jotaro shudders. Both of their feet are cold, but Jotaro doesn’t care.
After they settle for a bit, silence blanketing around them just like the comforter, Jotaro clears his throat. “So it’s… the same?” He asks quietly.
Kakyoin chuckles sleepily against his chest, his breath warm, and Jotaro feels the heat of the comforter finally settling into his frozen toes. “Yes, it’s- yes,” he replies, voice slightly muffled, and Jotaro swallows.
“And is- does it- bother you?”
Kakyoin looks up then, his eyes droopy with sleepiness, and Jotaro, for once in his life, finds serenity outpacing the fear that’s always in his veins. “Jotaro…”
Kakyoin pauses then, as if chewing on his words, pursing his lips, and Jotaro has never wanted to kiss someone before, but he’s thinking about it now, staring at the quirk of Kakyoin’s wide mouth.
“It’s… overwhelming,” Kakyoin admits quietly, and it takes an inordinate amount of strength for Jotaro to keep from nodding his head vigorously, relief flooding his veins, Yes, yes, isn’t it? Isn’t it? “Jeez, Jotaro, you-” Kakyoin chuckles sleepily. “You overwhelm me.” Jotaro’s heart beats.
I scare him too. We scare each other. It’s equal. It’s equal. It’s equal.
“I wouldn’t say it bothers me, though,” Kakyoin murmurs, and Jotaro swallows thickly, as if he’s been given permission for something.
Jotaro takes a deep breath, tasting that green apple hand cream again, before he lets it out slowly. He can feel Kakyoin’s own heartbeat slow, gradually, against his fingertips, and Jotaro closes his eyes.
I love you, he wants to say, but it’s not quite right. You scare me too is closer, but not true at this point, either.
“You make me feel… new things,” Jotaro finally murmurs, and Kakyoin’s breath audibly hitches. Jotaro swallows before admitting, “And it’s so- I mean- I’m… glad it’s… equal.” Jotaro pauses. “I don’t think it’d be, with anyone else.” No one else would try with me like you do.
Kakyoin sucks in a breath and buries his head into Jotaro’s chest. His heart rate has picked up a bit again, but it’s not the thrum it was earlier. Jotaro lets out a soft puff of breath.
They hold each other then, for a long, long time, and Jotaro can feel it as Kakyoin’s heart rate slows down again, gentler and gentler until he thinks Kakyoin is asleep, until he thinks he is asleep.
But then Kakyoin murmurs, “I’m gonna miss this so much,” and Jotaro hums sleepily.
After several moments of remembering how his tongue works, Jotaro slurs, “We can do it again back in Japan.”
Kakyoin breaths out a soft laugh, squeezes Jotaro tight, and nods into his chest.
Jotaro does finally fall asleep then, his body lighter than it’s been in years.