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the night is humid, thick with the lingering heat of the day, the kind that clings to skin and slows the world down. sanghyeok sits on the curb outside the bar, elbows on his knees, head tipped back as if he’s waiting for the sky to tell him something.
it’s pointless because the sky doesn’t solve problems no matter how long you stare at it and he can’t even spot a single star through the haze of light polution.
the neon signs buzz, casting sharp colors over the pavement, over the empty beer bottle at his feet. he should go home. he should stop thinking.
jaehyun stumbles out of the bar a minute later, not much steadier than sanghyeok but with that easy, weightless way of carrying himself, like he’s never been weighed down by anything at all. his hair is a mess, his shirt is untucked, his eyes are glassy, but they find sanghyeok without hesitation—like they always do.
“you look like shit,” jaehyun announces, grinning, dropping down beside him.
“thanks,” sanghyeok mutters. he stares straight ahead, the streetlights blurring in his vision. he’s drunk enough to feel it, not drunk enough to stop thinking. maybe if he sits here long enough, the ground will just open up swallow him whole.
jaehyun nudges him. “why’d you come out here?”
sanghyeok shrugs. “needed air.”
and he’s so selfish that he’s stolen so much of it that he’s surprised there’s still enough oxygen for jaehyun to stay breathing beside him right now. even with how much he’s stolen, it still isn’t enough to fill his lungs.
jaehyun hums, like he understands, like he always does, and then he says, “i want to kiss you.”
sanghyeok breathes out a laugh, tips his head to the side to look at him. jaehyun’s close, already leaning in, the alcohol on his breath mixing with something sweeter. sanghyeok swallows. thinks about all the times they’ve blurred this line before, the way it always leads to something that hurts.
“okay,” he says, “but we can’t have sex.”
jaehyun blinks. “i never said anything about sex.”
oh. sanghyeok feels stupid, feels something crack in his chest. his brain is too used to assuming, too used to bracing for impact.
dread starts as something small, a feeling that can be pushed under piles and discarded with small efforts, but it gets louder over time. it’s the loudest thing sanghyeok’s ever heard and maybe it’s starting to damage his hearing.
jaehyun just wanted to kiss him.
“oh,” sanghyeok says, voice quiet.
jaehyun doesn’t get angry or upset even if the assumption could be taken as offensive. things would be easier if he did, but he just huffs, shakes his head, and then he kisses sanghyeok anyway.
sanghyeok lets it happen. lets jaehyun’s lips press against his, slow and unhurried, like they’ve got all the time in the world. jaehyun always does.
he kisses back before he can think better of it, before the weight of everything between them catches up to him. jaehyun’s hand slides up his neck, fingertips pressing into his skin, grounding him. it feels like something sharp and soft all at once.
the night feels heavier now. heavier than the weight of his body on the curb, heavier than the press of jaehyun’s mouth on his. sanghyeok can feel the cracks in himself widening, hairline fractures splitting open, and he wonders if jaehyun can hear them too.
when they break apart, jaehyun blinks blearily, mouth twisted. “i think i’m going to throw up.”
“okay,” sanghyeok says quietly, standing on legs that barely hold. he tugs jaehyun up by the wrist, gentle but firm, and leads him down the side of the building, away from the flickering signs and the stumbling laughter of the lingering people around. the alley is quiet, tucked between brick and shadow, the only sound the far-off rush of traffic and jaehyun’s uneven breaths.
jaehyun bends over, one hand braced on the wall, and he’s shaking before it happens. sanghyeok turns his face away instinctively, but his hand stays on jaehyun’s back, rubbing small circles. he hates the sound of it, hates even knowing it’s happening, just the thought that makes his stomach turn. but he keeps his hand there, steady, solid, because jaehyun doesn’t hurt well alone and he hates that much more.
jaehyun wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, spits once on the pavement, and leans against the wall, breathing hard. sanghyeok doesn’t move.
they stand like that, both of them too drunk and too tired, the weight of the moment pressing down until it feels suffocating.
jaehyun speaks first, his voice hoarse.
“sorry. i know you hate it.”
sanghyeok shakes his head.
jaehyun swallows, eyes searching his face in the low light. “i think i’m in love with you.” his voice is soft and apologetic, like it hurts to say.
it lands heavier than it should. heavier than any drunk words have a right to. sanghyeok feels it in his ribs, in the hollow of his chest, in all the places he’s tried to seal shut.
jaehyun tends to say i think before he says something that he isn’t sure sanghyeok will want to hear, even if he knows that it’s true. even if he has to buffer his statements, jaehyun is brave. sanghyeok is not.
sanghyeok exhales, feels the weight settle back into his ribs. jaehyun says it so easily, so carelessly, like it’s not something that could be so violent.
he exhales slowly, almost laughs, but it’s not funny. it’s tragic.
“it‘ll pass,” he says, so quietly it barely counts as speaking.
jaehyun doesn’t look away. his gaze has a way of feeling like it comes with a responsibility and the weight makes the fractures spread deeper.
“what if it doesn’t?”
sanghyeok presses his palms into his eyes until all he sees are stars and wishes on one that he could be someone else. someone braver. someone who could believe that kind of love wouldn’t end in ruin.
but those aren’t real stars and his wish doesn’t come true, so he drops his hands and turns to jaehyun with a soft smile and words that already taste like regret.
“it will.”
“okay.”
sanghyeok wishes he would argue more. wishes he wouldn’t let him get away with it.
but jaehyun just stands there. he shifts his gaze and lifts the responsibility of holding it from sanghyeok, but it doesn’t make him feel any lighter.
the night keeps buzzing around them, unaffected by the cracks that split beneath them, and sanghyeok knows from personal experience that it won’t pass at all.