"Ok, so just to recap," Aubrey started. "You got disowned by your mom."

Sunny nodded. "Middle of the street in broad daylight, yep."

"You decided to disguise yourself as your trauma demon, somehow making everyone think you’re the Sasquatch."

"Omori was really against the idea for some reason."

I WONDER WHY.

"Rational voice in your head, right. Then a bunch of shit happened and now the town wants you dead."

"Probably should’ve referenced ‘Mario is Missing!’ over ‘Hotel Mario’, to be honest."

"And now we’re both here in your old treehouse because you really wanted me to step on you for some reason."

"Oversimplification of things, but yeah, basically."

Aubrey sighed. "So... are we dating, then? We both had that whole confession thing before Kim showed up."

Sunny shrugged. "I’d give it an extra 22 or so chapters of slowburn angst, just to be sure."

Aubrey pouted. "I’m not doing Sasquatch angst, Sunny."

"Come on, let’s at least go through 100k words of mutual pining, really earn that payoff."

"I don’t think we have the time for that considering how the whole town is after your head right now." She crossed her arms. "Hell, they might also be after me now after what I did to Kim."

Sunny pursed his lips. "I mean, you hit her pretty hard in the head. Maybe she could’ve gotten amnesia from it?"

Aubrey scoffed. "That’d be way too convenient."

Kim groaned as she awoke from the cold forest floor. "What the fuck...?"

She rubbed her head as she scanned her memories, though as she tried to think back to them, they all seemed too... well...

She narrowed her eyes. "...why the fuck was I dreaming about Aubrey making out with the Sasquatch?"

"KILL THE SQUATCH!! KILL THE SQUATCH!! KILL THE SQUATCH!!" a battle cry was heard some yards away from the treehouse.

"Wow, they really are trying to reenact angry medieval mobs," Sunny commented. He scratched his chin. "Y'know, I may have threatened them with dark magic and demanded that they all worship me with daily food sacrifices, but doesn't this seem like a bit much just for a single Sasquatch?"

In spite of all the absolutely TERRIBLE, NEAR-SIGHTED, and COMPLETELY MORONIC decisions you've made that have led you to this point, I would actually agree. Most rational people would, you know, shrug off your letter and the very existence of the motherfucking Sasquatch as a prank.

"Why would you insinuate that Sasquatch-senpai doesn't exist?"

I take it all back, this is all completely deserved.

"How exactly does that rational voice of yours work?" Aubrey questioned. "Is it just, like, you have to choose between two buttons in your head whenever you make a choice?"

I am flattered that you think he would even press my button.

"He says he's flattered that you think I'd ever even press his button," Sunny parroted.

Aubrey shrugged. "Eh, I wouldn't press it either, he sounds like a pain in the ass."

You wound me, Aubrey.

"KILL THE SQUATCH!!" the mob shouted once more outside.

"Sounds like they're getting closer," Sunny sighed.

Aubrey frowned. "Any ideas on how to get them to not do that?"

How about taking off this stupid cryptid disguise and explaining things in a normal and civilized way?

"How about we just scare them away with a bigger Sasquatch?" Sunny suggested, holding out another costume of something he just happened to have to Aubrey.

Dreamer, when the fuck did you get the time to make-

"I'm not putting that on," Aubrey immediately shut down, instead choosing to pick up her bat and walk to the entrance of the treehouse.

"Fuck it, I'm just gonna threaten them through the universal language of violence," Aubrey proclaimed, slamming the door open and jumping out of the treehouse.

Oh, how lovely, I was hoping Aubrey would finally be someone else with a rational train of thought, but I guess I thought wrong.

"We all spent the last 4 years being traumatized, I don't think any of us has any rationality left," Sunny pointed out.

You haven't even talked to the rest of them since the hospital, don't try to push your insanity as the norm.

"Yeah, but they're all hella traumatized." Sunny closed his eye. "I'm sure they all could be going insane right about now, Hero could have totally started hallucinating, Basil growing a crush on The Maverick, and Kel questioning the ethics of Sasquatch mating, y'know, typical insanity shenanigans."

Why do you place hallucinations on the same level of insanity as Basil having a crush on The Maverick and why am I not surprised?

"I'm surprised you're just shrugging off the mention of Sasquatch mating."

It would be bad for my blood pressure if I didn't.

Hero stepped through the forest, following the slowly growing group of people. Spotting Kel, he approached him.

"So, you guys narrowed down the Sasquatch's location to... here?" Hero asked, staring around the clearing with scrutiny, the backdrop of Sunny's old backyard seeming... well, uncomfortable to be in so soon, he supposed.

"Yep! We've checked just about everywhere else in the forest, but no dice!" Kel affirmed. He clenched his fists. "That rascal of a Sasquatch, using Sunny's old treehouse as a base of operations!"

"So, what's with the huge crowd, then?" Basil asked, trying to stand on his tip-toes to see what they were clamoring around.

Cris motioned to the base of the treehouse. "Well, we tried to get into the treehouse, but..."

Hero walked a bit closer, peeking over the heads and torches of the mob.

He squinted. "Is that... Aubrey?"

"THE SQUATCH IS IN THE TREE!" a random civilian shouted.

"LET US INTO THE TREE!" another civilian demanded.

Aubrey's grip tightened on her bat, and she leaned towards the crowd, a frown on her face, as she proclaimed her statement.

Hero gazed upon the scene with confusion. "...is she the only reason we can't get inside the treehouse?"

"Yup," Cris replied, popping the 'p'.

"She is literally just one person," Hero frowned. "Shouldn't we just... be able to overwhelm her and get inside?"

"SHE HAS A NAIL BAT!!" a random civilian cried randomly. "SHE OUTRANKS US IN THIS SCENARIO!!!"

"I. I can't even..." Hero sighed, stepping forward and walking through the crowd. Reaching the inner circle, he made eye contact with Aubrey. "Aubrey, what are you doing?"

Aubrey looked up at him with a pout. "I should be asking you that, Henry."

Hero's face scrunched. "I- what? I'm just asking you why you're blocking everyone from the treehouse??"

"Wouldn't you like to know, Mr. 'Sides-With-A-Sociopath'?" Aubrey sneered.

"Ok, wow, you are just..." Hero groaned, pinching his forehead. "Aubrey, the whole town wants to check the treehouse for Sasquatch or whatever, I don't see why you're being so defensive about this."

Aubrey's pout grew poutier. "Maybe I don't want the town inside the treehouse."

"Why?? It's- it's not even your treehouse!" Hero put his face in his hands. "I know that the people who bought the house decided to not move in, but that doesn't mean you can just act like the place is yours."

She crossed her arms, the poutiest pout to ever pout on her face. "Doesn't mean the town can act like the place is theirs either."

"Aubrey, people are genuinely afraid of this thing! No one's gonna mess with anything inside, we're just gonna check if the- the freaking..." Hero sighed, rubbing his head. "The freaking Sasquatch. We're just checking if the Sasquatch is inside the treehouse. I don't even know what's happening anymore."

"Hmph," Aubrey hmphed. "It's a no, Hero, and that's final," she finished with a smug look, as if she had finally turned the tables on Hero after his own blockading towards her in an alternate timeline.

Hero could only stare at her with a look of what Aubrey would describe as zjierb.

"Does that mean we go home now?" a random civilian asked.

Sounds of agreement circulated throughout the crowd and within a few minutes it had entirely dispersed.

"I... take care of yourself, Aubrey," Hero sighed, walking away.

Aubrey huffed. "Yeah. I am a badass."

"10/10, spectacular performance," Sunny clapped as Aubrey climbed back into the treehouse.

She flipped her hair with a smirk. "Thanks, threatening civilians is one of my favorite pastimes."

She glanced at the bed in the corner of the treehouse. "Uh... was that always there?"

"No, I brought it in from my old house so we could sleep here," he explained.

Aubrey raised an eyebrow. "Why? Wouldn't it be better to just, y'know, sleep in your house? And how did you even get it in here with all those people outside a minute ago?"

Sunny shook his head. "Sleeping in houses is for normies."

Your ancestors spent millenia perfecting the art of carpentry, only for you to defile it with your hubris. You bring shame to humankind.

"You sure you're not the insane one for getting upset over carpentry?" Sunny asked.

Your stupidity is contagious, I'm afraid.

"You didn't answer my question about how you got it in here," Aubrey repeated. "Also, there's only one bed."

"That is a great observation, Aubrey," Sunny replied, nodding.

Walking over to the bed, he sat down on its end. "See, I considered just sleeping on the floor, as I have been for the past several days, while you slept on the bed, however, if my rom-com instincts are telling me anything, it's that you're not gonna let me sleep on the floor, then I'm not gonna let you sleep on the floor, and we'll end up in a stalemate just sleeping together in the same bed, so I'm just skipping ahead past the filler."

Aubrey opened her mouth to argue with him, a 𝓽𝓼𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮 boiling of her blood clearly visible in her reddening face, before she slowly closed her mouth, face returning to room temperature, as she assumed a thinking pose and contemplated the reasonable conclusion brought forth. "Uh. Huh. That... actually makes sense."

Aubrey walked over and got into the bed, laying down next to Sunny. "That was easier than I thought."

The soft-blowing night breeze sounded throughout the treehouse, moonlight just barely lighting the interior. Aubrey closed her eyes, breathing slowing as she felt herself drifting into a deep-

"Aren't you gonna kiss me good night?" Sunny asked.

Aubrey's eyes shot open as she turned to stare at him. "...why...?" she questioned, cheeks slowly heating.

"...it was a joke," Sunny replied.

Coward.

"I'm not a coward, Omori, I was just running away from the permanence of my own choices because I don't know how she'll respond to my crush on her, even if I already know that she knows that I know that we're both into each other."

"You said that out loud," Aubrey deadpanned.

Sunny stared at the ceiling. "...if you keep pushing, I will have to resort to gaslighting you to fix the pacing of the romantic tension."

Aubrey stared at his face. "...aren't you the one who suggested sleeping together?"

Sunny shrugged. "It's not gay to sleep with the homies."

Aubrey squinted. "What?"

"What?"

"Day 2 in the Sasquatch house," Sunny narrated. "I have yet to see a Sasquatch with a sexy Sasquatch butt."

"Sunny, what the fuck are you talking about," Aubrey glared at him. She gestured at the alley behind Fix-It that they were currently standing in. "You only lost your depth perception, you're not blind."

"Just setting the mood for mystery," he shrugged. "Who knows what wonders we may find while dumpster diving behind a department store."

Death, disease, famine, and several copies of the 'Spaceboy Clubhouse' reboot DVD, I'd presume.

"You can't get famine if you already have no food," Sunny pointed out.

And you have no food because you both refuse to become functioning members of society and either get a job or report yourselves to child protective services.

"Society is for normies, return to roots and go feral."

"Oookay, I have no clue what you and your friend are talking about, so I'm just gonna..." Aubrey started, walking towards one of the dumpsters and beginning to rummage through it.

"I can't believe she thinks we're friends," Sunny pouted. "Why would I want to be friends with a black and white midget of myself?"

You are not that much taller than me.

Sunny leaned against the alley wall. "Sorry, Smallfoot, can't hear you from all the way up here."

Are you insinuating that you yourself are Bigfoot with that?

He gave a smug huff. "Mayhaps. You heard Kim and Aubrey before, they thought I was our furry ape senpai."

I do not claim the Sasquatch as my 'senpai'.

"Who do you claim as your senpai, then, hmm? John 'Straight-Man' Doe, the mythical (nonexistent?) straight man? Perchance."

You can't just say "perchance". Also, that red pen is who I claim as my 'senpai'.

"They didn't even exist until 2022, aren't you supposed to be the guy grounded in reality?"

You are the one who first referenced a yet to exist text. Twice, even.

"I referenced it, you made it canon."

How does claiming a red pen as my 'senpai' make it canon? I could be talking about any red pen. You directly noted it was from 2022, meaning you made it canon.

"Nuh uh."

I will not fall for this, I will not make this canon.

"The fact of you acknowledging it as something you're not making canon is basically making it canon."

We are both referencing it here, it is not being canonized unless it is directly mentioned.

"Then I'm just gonna keep referencing stuff until you canonize it."

You are not actually serious, are you?

"I hear you want your photos printed?"

Please stop, you are just embarrassing yourself.

"Get to Del Taco, they got a new thing."

I loathe you, you know that? I understand my original incarnation was designed to loathe you, but I truly, genuinely, undeniably, loathe you.

"Now's your chance to be a-"

You're not even attempting to naturally integrate any of these anymore. For the love of christ, Dreamer, if you wanted to shitpost, you should've done so during Sunburn Week 2024 Day 7.

"AHA. You canonized Sunburn Week. That's my win."

Nuh uh.

"THE FUCK YOU MEAN NUH UH-"

How the turn tables. Now, please, for the love of all that is bad pacing, please do something that isn't arguing with yourself for nearly 400 words and actually help Aubrey with, you know, the thing you came here to do.

"I thought you were against dumpster diving because of death, disease, famine, and the 'Spaceboy Clubhouse'?"

I do. It's just that I cannot take anymore of your goddamned shenanigans and would rather we return to some form of normalcy with Aubrey's role as secondary straight man.

"Fine," Sunny pouted, returning the writing format to a normal state.

He walked over to a random box leaned against the alley, stuck his hand inside, and pulled out a tube of glue. "Aha. Surely Chekhov's gun will allow this to be useful later."

That's not how that- fuck it, I'm just gonna stop talking until Aubrey returns.

Sunny shrugged, twirling the tube of glue in his hand and walking back to where he had left Aubrey.

Approaching the dumpster, Sunny found a blonde haired girl wearing Aubrey's clothes and cyan headband. 'Huh. This could be bad.'

There were two possible situations that were occurring at this moment.

Situation #1: Aubrey was attacked by and had her jacket stolen by this blonde girl due to Aubrey's relation to the Sasquatch (your's truly), and now this blonde girl was waiting for the Sasquatch (still him) to come out so she could capture him as well.

Situation #2: Aubrey was going through her Oragne Joe phase.

Either way, for the good of the people, he was going to have to eliminate this threat immediately.

Sunny got into a battle stance, wielding the tube of glue as his blade, swishing the cap off.

+0.28 ATK!

-3 SPD!

+Sticky Status Inducer!

-28 Silent Sanity to Omori!

Oh yeah. He's got the whole setup ready.

Sunny rushed towards the blonde girl, and, with all his might, slashed the tube into her back.

The tube shattered on impact, splattering glue everywhere and sending Sunny flying back to the ground.

Aubrey swiveled her head around immediately. "Sunny, what the fuck?"

"...I thought you were an imposter," Sunny muttered. He pointed at her hair. "You're blonde. Did you finally snap and start an Oragne Joe cult?"

Aubrey narrowed her eyes. "What the fuck are you even talking about. Why the fuck would that turn me blonde."

Thank you for your sanity, Aubrey.

Aubrey then pulled out a cardboard box to the side of her, revealing it to be filled with 7 multicolored crystals. "I just found the 7 Chaos Emeralds and went Super, that's all."

THAT'S IT, I QUIT.

Sunny could hear a loud shuffle going on in his head as it sounded like several things were being shoved into a suitcase.

He could hear two, quiet little voices, one feminine and one from Omori throughout the kerfuffle, the feminine one barely holding back a laugh as she appeared to plead, "Wait, Omori, pfft, this- who's gonna watch him if you-" only to be interrupted by Omori's, "If you want to find someone to deal with this absolute insanity, THEN BE MY GUEST. I'M MOVING TO NEW ORLEANS AND GETTING A COZY APARTMENT WITH 27 CATS. GOOD. BYE." followed by a loud door slam and what sounded like a taxi screeching away.

Sunny put a hand on his chin. "...I think Omori just left my brain."

Aubrey raised an eyebrow, stretching out a hand to Sunny. "He can do that?"

Sunny took the hand, and she pulled him off the ground. "I guess." He tried to let go, but found his hand was stuck. He looked at the shattered remains of the glue tube on the ground that splattered glue everywhere. "...also, I think I accidentally just glued our hands together."

"Sunny, you fucking idiot."

"Y'know, now that he's gone, I think it's safe to say that Omori had a good enough idea," Sunny said, hand still glued to Aubrey's.

"What, to stop dumpster diving and instead give into capitalism and get a job at McDonald's?" Aubrey gritted, outfitted in the whole Mickey D's getup. She glared down at Sunny, who, on the other hand, was now fitted in full camo, hiding behind the counter. "Also, as the one ACTUALLY working here, I think this idea is pure dogshit."

Sunny shrugged. "I'm not supposed to be in this town, can't really work the register."

She rolled her eyes. "You could'a tried the Sasquatch outfit, I'm sure once people stopped shooting you you'd make a great tourist attraction."

Sunny placed a hand on his chin, contemplating. "...actually-"

Before the collective lack of sanity amongst the two of them could cause any further harm to the world or themselves, the doorbell chimed with a small group walking in.

"We'll totally get the Squatch next time, we were so close!" Kel proclaimed.

"I'm not sure how close 'not even seeing it in-person' is, but sure?" Basil questioned, smiling. "It was pretty fun though, I think I might join you if you guys do any more hunts or something similar."

"Woop woop, another indoctrinated to the club!" Cris celebrated, high-fiving Kel and Basil.

"Yeah," Hero sighed, lightly chuckling. "Maybe Aubrey'll be calmed down enough to join too, by then."

"Nope," Aubrey deadpanned. "Never joining your stupid club."

Hero turned to face her, brow furrowing. "...you... got a job at McDonald's? And... dyed your hair blonde?" He looked away. "I mean, I know I said to take care of yourself, but..."

"Yeah, Henry," she spat, as if it were a swear. "You got a problem with McDonald's?"

"And you're still on with that, ok," he shook his head.

Aubrey put forth her fakest customer service smile. "Anyways, what can I get you, lovely customers?"

"I'll just have a salad," Hero sighed.

"Weirdo," Aubrey secretly not-so-secretly muttered under her breath as she punched it in.

"Ooh, I'll have a Big Mac with a bottle of Orange Joe! Actually, make those two Joes!" Kel immediately exclaimed.

"Fuck off, Kel," Aubrey scowled, reluctantly punching in the order.

"I'll have a double with fries," Cris ordered.

Sunny's head popped up a bit. "Is that Cris?" he whispered.

"Yeah? What about her?" Aubrey whispered back.

Sunny scratched his chin. "We were supposed to do a thing with Pretty Boy where he'd disguise as me and she'd shoot- well, it was a whole subplot and stuff, but I wasn't supposed to get caught by you, so that whole thing got ruined." He took a napkin, writing something down. "Just pass this to her, let her know the plan's called off."

Aubrey lifted an eyebrow, shrugging. "Ok." She punched in Cris's order, discreetly passing the napkin to her. Cris turned it over, before giving her a thumbs up.

Lastly, Basil walked to the counter. Aubrey immediately shot daggers his way.

"Just water for me," Basil mumbled, staring down.

Aubrey continued to glare at him, making no sign of punching in the order. Her blonde hair began to flare up, glowing, murderous intent clear in her eyes. An aura of sheer power started to surround her, the Chaos Emeralds pulsing throughout her entire being. Her grip on the counter appeared to strengthen, cracks forming in its exterior, as various cups and straws started to hover around the counter.

Basil's gaze flicked around wildly, eyes wide. "Um..."

Before Aubrey could further intimidate him with her menacing aura, she felt a tug on her pants. She turned down to look at Sunny.

Sunny put on his best puppy-dog eye. "Auby ples don't kill," he said in his usual monotone voice.

Aubrey's aura dissipated, the cups and straws returning to the counter, and her hair returning to a neutral state. She closed her eyes, punching in the order. "One water, coming right up. Your total will be $29.99, have a Mc-Fuckin' good day."

"Is... Is that Sunny?" Basil asked, eyes wide.

"HISSS," Aubrey hissed, and Basil immediately backed off, the rest of the group moving away to the dining area.

"Another Babil saved, all in a day's work," Sunny huffed proudly.

"You both tried to kill each other less than a week ago," Aubrey deadpanned.

Sunny shrugged. "I'm sure a close friend you also tried to murder recently will appear as well."

The door chimed again, a larger group entering.

"And you concussed yourself by running headfirst into a tree?" Vance questioned, clearly trying to hold back a laugh as Kim walked next to him, noticeably a bit wobbly.

"Look, it was either I ran headfirst into a tree and started hallucinating, or Aubrey was making out with the motherfucking Sasquatch, and I know Aubrey isn't a furry," Kim spat, groaning as she held her head.

"You clearly underestimate the allure of our furry ape senpai!" The Maverick proclaimed, posing. Kim kicked him in the shins.

"And you said Aubrey hasn't answered her phone since our meetup two days ago, maybe it really did happen!" Angel proclaimed, posing in a similar manner. Kim also kicked him in the shins.

"Wasn't she also the one blocking people from that one treehouse people thought they saw the Sasquatch in?" Vance noted. Kim also kicked him in the shins as well.

"I don't think you should be moving so much with that concussion..." Charlene muttered. Kim also kicked her in the shins as well, a clear sign that her coping mechanism is kicking people in the shins.

"LOOK," Kim gritted, before clenching her head with her hand. "Fuck, ok, wait, gimme a sec."

"Look," Kim gritted, a little quieter. "We're here to get some shitass burgers, not chat about why I got a concussion or where Aubrey is, alright?" She rolled her eyes, walking to the counter. "Plus, she'd never come anywhere within a mile of McDonald's, with her whole 'fuck capitalism' thing, so shut up and let's get these shitass burgers."

"Sup, Kim," Aubrey waved.

"Hi, Aubrey," Kim replied. Her eyes shot open. "What the fuck are you doing here." She squinted. "And... why are you blonde?"

Aubrey did a little hand gesture. "Yeah, yeah, capitalism won and I found the 7 Chaos Emeralds, woohoo, you gonna order anything?"

"Did you concuss Kim with your bat?!" Angel shouted calmly.

Aubrey forced her best poker face. "...nooo. I would never."

"But you must have had an affair with the gorgeous Sasquatch, no?!" The Maverick accused, posing. Aubrey chucked the cash register at his face.

"Who even needs society anyway?" Aubrey grumbled as they stepped along the forest path, having been fired from McDonald's for property damage.

"Preach," Sunny cheered. "Society is just a social construct created by people who want to hide the truth that going feral is the true path to happiness."

She shot a glare at him. "You're the one who brought up the 'give into capitalism' idea." She gritted her teeth. "I knew we should have never trusted Ronald McDonald. You can never trust redheads."

Sunny raised an eyebrow. "Isn't your pink hair a shade of red?"

"IT'S FUSCHIA, BITCH."

Sunny shrugged. "Either way, Omori came up with the idea, so blame him."

Aubrey pouted. "Ugh, but I can't punch someone all the way in New Orleans."

Sunny took hold of a lock of Aubrey's golden hair. "Aren't you literally Super right now? Can't you, like, teleport or fly all the way there?"

She angrily gestured at their still glued hands. "I would if SOMEONE didn't glue our hands together."

Sunny's eye watered, a single tear threatening to escape. "Are you saying you don't like holding hands with me?"

She rolled her eyes. "If our hands weren't glued, I could princess carry you around town to assert that you belong to me."

Sunny put a hand on his chin. "Hm. I do like the idea of being a fucking pretty princess."

Aubrey stared at him blankly.

Sunny pouted. "I wish Omori were here so he could've gotten angry at that reference."

"This is a robbery," a gruff voice shouted behind them.

The two attempted to quickly turn around, but due their hands being glued, they couldn't turn around individually and had to awkwardly walk in a circle as a unit to face the newcomer. Here is a diagram to better help with visualization.

As Sunny and Aubrey turned around, a masked man wearing full body camo and holding a crowbar came into view.

"Oh shit, it's the Tree Bandit™ !!!" Sunny screamed. "He's here to Tree Bandit™ all over us!!!"

"That's right, I'm the Tree Bandit™ !" the gruff man gruffed.

"Who the fuck are you?" Aubrey asked.

"He's the Tree Bandit™ !!!" Sunny screamed again. "The most iconic villain in OMORI!!!"

"That's right, I'm the Tree Bandit™ !" the gruff man gruffed.

Aubrey stared at the Tree Bandit™ with a dead stare. "...and what are you doing here?"

The Tree Bandit™ slapped his crowbar on his palm, guffawing. "I'm the Tree Bandit™ , I live in the trees! Give me all your money, or I'll break your knees!"

Sunny turned to Aubrey, a horrified look in his eye. "We have to listen to the Tree Bandit™ , Aubrey, he'll break our knees!"

Aubrey raised an eyebrow. "We don't have any money though. It's why we're in the forest escaping society."

"Oh," Sunny o'd. He turned back to face the Tree Bandit™ . "Will you take this fistful of nothing? It's technically all of our money."

The Tree Bandit™ chuckled. "You drive a hard bargain, kid." The Tree Bandit™ arched his back, pointing the crowbar at Aubrey. "But I don't mean cash money."

"But you said to give you all our money?" Aubrey sputtered.

The Tree Bandit™ hoo-ha'd. "You clearly didn't understand the SUBTEXT then, eh, Aubergine?"

"How do you know my name."

The Tree Bandit™ ho-ho'd. "No, no, no, of course I didn't mean cash!" The Tree Bandit™ lowered his head, looking at Sunny. "I want the Sasquatch, kid."

Aubrey's face scrunched. "You gotta be fucking with me." She gestured at Sunny, whose eye had gone sparkly at being called the Sasquatch. "He barely looks like a fucking Sasquatch, why the fuck does everyone keep saying that."

The Tree Bandit™ chortled. "So ya think you're sneaky, eh, kid? I know a disguised Sasquatch anywhere." He entered a fighting stance. "Guess I'll just have to take 'em by force."

"Aubrey, be careful!" Sunny cried. "He's preparing to Tree Bandit™ all over us!"

Aubrey looked between the two, a look of zjierb on her face.

She walked over to the Tree Bandit™ and kicked him in the nards.

"SWEET QUEEN ELIZABETH THE SECOND!!!" the Tree Bandit™ cried out, staggering to the floor.

Aubrey stared upon his crumpled form with repulsion. "There is no queen of England, dipshit."

"Yeah, because a queen of England would imply England exists," Sunny nodded solemnly, discreetly guarding his groin.

"SECOND WIND!!!" the Tree Bandit™ suddenly yelled, jumping off of the floor and re-entering a fighting stance.

"HOW?!" Aubrey groaned.

"Oho ho, ya can't just exploit my masculine weakness and expect to get away with it!" the Tree Bandit™ snortled. He pointed at the duo yet again. "I already saw this exact situation comin' a mile away!!" He tee-hee'd. "So, I ALREADY CASTRATED MYSELF!!! YA CAN'T FEEL PAIN IN A LIMB THAT DOESN'T EXIST!!! GAH HA HA HA!!!"

"DEAR MOTHER OF PRESIDENT CHESTER A. ARTHUR, HE'S BECOME TOO POWERFUL!!" Sunny shrieked.

"At least his genes won't be passed down," Aubrey gritted, sweating.

"I actually have a daughter," the Tree Bandit™ corrected.

"Whatever," Aubrey rolled her eyes. She pulled out her bat, slinging it over her shoulder. "Either way, testicular torsion immunity doesn't mean you're immune to getting the shit smacked out of ya!"

"Same goes for you, kid," the Tree Bandit™ cackled, slamming his crowbar into the earth. The Tree Bandit™ ha-ha'd, he guffawed, he chuckled and tee-hee'd, a wild look entering his eyes. "This battle will be heard throughout the ages, Aubergine "Probably-Italian" Williams! The fate of reality resides on the outcome of our collision!"

The Tree Bandit™ strengthened his grip on his crowbar, a sly grin appearing on his face. "Come forth, child of man. AND DIE!"

A large arm then slammed into the Tree Bandit™ , sending him flying up out of the forest, a cool 39 MPH straight into the stratosphere.

"...erm, well that just happened," Sunny said monotonously.

"Uh, who..." Aubrey started, turning her view slowly to face the motherfucking Sasquatch.

The Sasquatch stared back.

"I'm sorry, what the fuc-"

Sunny then fell to his knees, subsequently pulling Aubrey down with him by the arm, and bowed to the giant ape. "Oh, majestic Sasquatch, we thank thee for thy help." A tear escaped his eye. "It is an honor to finally meet you, your furryness."

The Sasquatch silently stared at the two, before turning and gesturing to them.

Sunny's eye widened. "You're... telling us to follow you?"

The Sasquatch nodded.

Sunny and Aubrey turned to face each other.

"Aubrey, I think this is it," Sunny breathed. "The Sasquatch is going to show us how."

"Show... show us what?" Aubrey asked.

Sunny stared up at the sky, stars glistening in his eye. "The Sasquatch is going to show us...

...how we Sasquatch."

THE END

jk

Aubrey shrugged. "Alright, sure, why not, I fuck with Sasquatch."

The two of them trudged through the density of the forest, following after the mythical Sasquatch.

"I can't believe it, Aubrey," Sunny excitedly said monotonously. "We're actually following in the footsteps of Sasquatch senpai." He eyed the Sasquatch's behind. "And it has a sexy Sasquatch butt."

"Dude, that shit is flat as fuck, it has no ass," Aubrey spat, also eyeing the Sasquatch's posterior. She scratched her nose. "But, I mean, I guess it's kinda cool that we found some creature that wasn't supposed to exist."

Sunny nodded violently. "And it's going to show us how it goes about its daily routine." He leaned in close to her face. "Our own ability to go feral will max out from just being around it."

Aubrey raised an eyebrow. "What exactly does the Sasquatch even do, though?" She shut her eyes. "Like, it's only appeared in random ass blurry forest photos, and no one's ever seen it do anything else."

Sunny put a hand to his chin. "My personal theory is that it's been building up the ultimate gamer pad and was looking for a pure soul who wouldn't break its controllers to play Mario Kart with."

"It's a fucking forest ape, why the fuck would it be building a gamer pad," Aubrey asked calmly.

"Why wouldn't it be building a gamer pad? The forest is the perfect place to hide away from society." Sunny replied.

"You hid in your house for four years," Aubrey narrowed her eyes. "Plus, you KNOW I am not pure of heart when it comes to Mario Kart."

"Its standards must have gotten low after all these years," Sunny shed a tear. "There's no other reason why it would be taking us so deep into the forest, it must be a lonely gamer."

"Maybe it's, like, trying to take us where there's no people so it can get away with, like, killing us," Aubrey suggested. "You know, even if it is some kind of mythical animal, it's still an animal. We could totally be a part of its diet."

"True. What flavor do you think I am, pineapple?" Sunny asked.

Aubrey facepalmed. "Why is that the first thing you ask? Also, I'd probably say you're more of a grape flavor."

"Eh, still works on pizza."

"MAMA-FUCKING-MIA WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU UNDERCOOKED PENNE RIGATE-"

A loud rustle ahead of them shut the two of them up, with the Sasquatch stopped in front of some foliage, waiting for them.

The two approached the bushes, holding their breaths.

"Are you ready, Aubrey, to see the world of Sasquatch?" Sunny asked.

"Anything's better than society at this point," she huffed.

The two placed their non-glued hands on the bushes, slowly pushing them apart and stepping through.

The sound and smell of cars driving by suddenly filled the air, as their eyes readjusted to the light.

"We're... just in a city...?" Aubrey questioned. She squinted. "...what the fuck."

It was not just a city, as Aubrey had initially thought, as it was instead a motherfucking Sasquatch society.

Sasquatches driving cars, Sasquatches running hot dog stands, the Sasquatian Metropolitan Museum of Art; it was pretty much a lazily made reflection of normal human society.

"It's... beautiful," Sunny muttered. The Sasquatch that had brought them here (who will henceforth be referred to as Wanda to avoid confusion with other Sasquatches) walked down to the sidewalk, waiting for them by the crosswalk.

"We escaped human society just to enter Sasquatch society?!" Aubrey yelled. She gritted her teeth. "Fuck that, I'm not dealing with this crap!"

Sunny turned to Aubrey, puppy-dog eye on full display. "But Aubrey! It's Sasquatch society! 20 times better than regular society!"

Aubrey shook her head. "A negative times a positive is just a bigger negative, I REFUSE to integrate into any sort of society ever again! We're going back!"

"But the Sasquatch!-"

"YOU'RE the one who said we should go FERAL!" Aubrey shouted. Her eyes began to water. "Why are you so eager to join Sasquatch society?! We were gonna go feral TOGETHER Sunny!"

"We have to enter Sasquatch society, it's destiny!" Sunny pleaded. His eye began to water. "Please don't turn this into a third-act misunderstanding, Aubrey!"

"I didn't," she muttered. She turned away from him, taking a step to the forest. "...you did, traitor."

Each step Aubrey took seemed to slow time even more, as the music faded in.

"I never missed... being one protagonist," Sunny sang, turning his head away.

He took a step after her, his free hand outreached. "You gave me so much CHARACTER GROWTH, which is what the writers wished..."

Aubrey stopped in her tracks. "I feel the same, since the day I learned your name..."

She turned to him, reaching her hand out as well. "I arced so hard 'cuz you changed my heart, and I..."

Her hand dropped to her side. "Well, you get the gist."

"But apparently more conflict is what this scene's demanding," the two sang, facing away from each other, as Sunny took a step towards Sasquatch society and Aubrey to the forest.

Their faces darkened, and they hid their teared faces away beneath their arms. "And alas we're at our third-act misunderstanding..."

The two looked up to the sky, the airplanes in the night sky almost looking like shooting stars. "But why?! Two seconds ago, we were fine!"

They turned to face each other again for just a moment, before they both turned away. "And now I gotta argue with you... so we can separate for one scene..."

A determined look then appeared on their faces, as they both clenched their fists. "But then we're gonna rendezvous to move the plot forward on cue...!"

They faced each other more, their unheld hands linking together parallel to their already held hands. "Why say nope to a trope that is so tried and true?"

They began spinning in a circle, tears flying away from their faces. "With you... (With you...) With you... (With you...)"

They both let go of one hand, held together by just one. "I'll see you in the next scene," Sunny murmured, as they both let go of their last handhold, their last tether.

...at least, they would've if their hands weren't still fucking glued.

"Oh," Sunny o'd. "I kinda forgot about that."

"Uh. Yeah," Aubrey nodded, frowning. "I guess we just have to stick together."

"Well, at least we get to skip over this filler," Sunny shrugged. He tilted his head to the forest. "I mean, I did say we should go feral, so I guess..."

Aubrey shook her head, gesturing to the city. "No, you did have a point, Sasquatch society can't be that bad compared to regular society."

"But it could end up just being worse."

"But we won't be able to eat burgers."

Each step Sunny took seemed to slow time even more, as the music-

After their 7th repeat of the song, Wanda eventually got tired of waiting and picked the both of them up, bringing them to the crosswalk.

After a short walk, Wanda brought them into a building, where another Sasquatch was manning (Sasquatching?) the counter.

The two Sasquatches appeared to engage in a bit of small talk filled with ooks and grunts.

"Huh. That is interesting," Sunny noted.

"What, did you take Sasquatch language lessons or something?" Aubrey asked.

"No, Sasquatch language isn't a real thing," Sunny scoffed. "I did take Sasquatch aura-reading lessons, though."

He pointed at the Sasquatch at the counter. "I'm getting some dutiful vibes from this one." He pointed at Wanda. "Meanwhile, I'm getting very maternal vibes from this one."

He closed his eye, nodding. "Based on that, I think this is some kind of government agency and we're getting adopted by the Sasquatch."

Aubrey narrowed her eyes at him. "That makes zero sense."

Sunny shook his head. "We're in Sasquatch society, Aubrey, sense already left for New Orleans with Omori."

She frowned. "Weirdly enough, that is the most sensible thing you've said in the past week."

The Sasquatches made a sound for the two of them to approach them, and they walked over to the counter.

The counter Sasquatch handed the two of them clipboards with various questions about their personal details, which they began filling out.

The two handed the clipboards back to the counter Sasquatch, who slowly read through the sheets. Upon coming to a certain question, their eyes widened, and they brought the sheet to Wanda's attention.

Wanda appeared to become equally as concerned at the answer, before taking the sheet and kneeling down to Sunny and Aubrey's level. It pointed at the question, as if it were asking if it were true. Aubrey squinted at the sheet.

"Status of Previous Guardian..." Aubrey read aloud. She furrowed her brow. "...abandoned me on the side of the street after I revealed how I accidentally killed my older sister four years ago and framed it as a suicide with my best friend."

Aubrey shot a glare at Sunny. "Was there REALLY no better way for you to phrase that?"

Sunny shrugged. "I'm kind of trying to not lie anymore."

Wanda stood up, brow furrowed as they looked between the adoption sheet and the two kids, back and forth, before they slammed it onto the table, causing the two of them to jump.

'Shit,' the two of them thought simultaneously.

Wanda then took a pen from the desk, and appeared to sign the papers, handing it to the desk Sasquatch.

Wanda turned to the two teens, holding their arms out, gesturing for the two to come closer.

"You're... really adopting us... Even after learning about that...?" Sunny questioned, eye glistening. Wanda nodded.

Sunny and Aubrey shared a look between each other. "Do we..." Aubrey asked.

"Hug," Sunny replied simply, bringing the two of them into the embrace of Wanda.

Aubrey felt her eyes begin to water. "I... don't remember the last time I've felt a hug like this."

"It feels... safe," Sunny murmured, staring up at Wanda. "Is it ok if I call you... mom...?"

Wanda nodded at them, and Sunny buried his face into its fur. Wanda softly held the two of them, as if it were silently vowing to protect them from anything.

Wanda looked back at the question on the sheet. Anything.

Sunny watched as the electric poles entered and left his sight rapidly.

After the adoption was finalized, the three of them got into Wanda's car, to which Wanda made a gesture as if to say they were going to make a few little detours before heading home.

"This is so fucking crazy," Aubrey weakly chuckled. "Adopted by Sasquatch society, and yet it feels like... it's more human than regular society."

Sunny solemnly nodded. "I'll... miss everyone else still." He looked away. "...but I'm glad that out of everyone, you're the one here with me."

Aubrey's face flushed a bit. "...oh, shut up," she said, face also turned away, though her smile could still be felt.

Wanda made a cooing sound at the two, and their faces heated up.

"W-We're not flirting!" Aubrey stuttered.

"Y-yeah, we're just friends!" Sunny tried to say in his monotone voice, yet his embarrassment clearly peaked through.

Wanda's eyes went towards their still held hands, its smug smirk from beneath its fur being clearly felt.

"T-THAT'S BECAUSE OF THE GLUE!!" Aubrey defended.

"Actually, wait, since you legally adopted both of us, doesn't that make any romantic relationship between me and Aubrey incest?" Sunny pondered.

Aubrey and Wanda both shot a glare his way. He shrugged. "Nevermind."

"Where are we even going, anyway?" Aubrey suddenly said, changing the subject.

Wanda hummed, as if it were saying, "I wonder...?"

Aubrey huffed. "Fine, keep your secrets."

The rest of the car ride was mostly silent, as they slowly entered a more urban town. Sunny hadn't really been paying attention until they entered the lot of some apartment complex, slowly parking the car.

The three got out, and Sunny and Aubrey glanced around, nothing about the location really popping out to them.

"Just looks like an apartment complex," Aubrey noted, before Wanda motioned for them to follow it.

The three walked through the lot and complex, climbing the stairs to the second floor, before eventually stopping at a door.

"You know, this just got me thinking," Sunny started. "Where do Sasquatch even hold their keys if they have no pockets?"

Wanda turned to him, winking, before ramming their arm into the door, causing it to fly off its hinges.

"I guess they just don't use keys to begin with," Aubrey shrugged.

The three stepped into the apartment. Sunny's brow furrowed. "Huh...?"

Aubrey turned to him. "Something wrong?"

Sunny shut his eye. "I dunno, it's just... something about this apartment feels familiar. Like, not the place itself, but just... the vibe."

"WHAT IS ALL THIS NOISE?!" a woman shouted, rushing into the living area. Sunny's eye widened.

"Mo... ex-mom?!" Sunny questioned.

"You?! How did you find-" Shannon started before her attention turned to Wanda. "What the fuck."

Wanda walked to Shannon, its towering figure imposing on Shannon. Its eyes stared into Shannon's soul, as if it were casting judgment onto her. As if it were asking her, "How do you plead?"

Shannon turned back to Sunny, anger visible in her face. "I told you you weren't my son anymore, and you- you bring this... THING here?" she spat. She glared at him. "You... MURDERER, you MONSTER-"

Sunny and Aubrey watched in shock as Wanda grabbed Shannon's head with just a single hand, bringing her into a headlock and DDTing her into the ground, instantly breaking her neck along with all her bones and internal organs.

"Holy fuck," Aubrey said simply, eyes wide at the dead corpse that was formerly Shannon.

"You... just killed my old mom," Sunny breathed, speechless.

Wanda grunted.

Sunny and Aubrey turned to face each other. Then turned to face Wanda.

"THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!!" Aubrey shouted, stars in her eyes.

"RETRIBUTION!!!" Sunny cried, pumping his fists.

Wanda gave them a cool thumbs up.

"Uh, how do we clean this up though?" Aubrey asked, the very dead corpse being a very noticeable spectacle of the room.

Wanda put a hand to its chin, pondering as well.

Sunny gave it some thought as well, before an idea appeared. "Oh, I got it."

He walked across the room and picked up a conveniently placed rope. "This one's an oldie, but a goodie."

Aubrey's smirked, clicking her tongue. "Mhm, I'm catching what you're throwing."

Wanda nodded, grunting.

One mop bucket, 20 minutes of learning how to tie knots, and one ceiling fan later, Shannon's suicide had been framed.

"Yup," Sunny nodded. "This was the morally correct course of action."

"Indeed," Aubrey agreed. "...we're not gonna be traumatized by this, are we?"

Sunny shrugged. "Eh, probably not, it's not like I underwent an entire moral dilemma in regards to my guilt of framing someone's death as a suicide."

Wanda laughed at the thought.

The three of them turned around, happy with their work, and began to walk out of the apartment.

...turn... around...

"Hm?" Sunny hummed.

...turn around...

"Aubrey, did you hear something?" Sunny asked.

...turn... AROUND...

"Nope," Aubrey replied.

TURN... AROUND...

"What about you, mom?" Sunny asked.

TURN AROUND...

Wanda shook its head.

TURN AROUND TURN AROUND TURN AROUND TURN AROUND TURN AROUND TURN AROUND

Sunny shrugged. "Must've been the wind."

TURN AROUND YOU FUCKING COWARD AND FACE THE MONSTER YOU'VE TURNED ME INT-

"Nooope! Not having any of that!" Mari's ghost proclaimed, taking something 2.0 by the neck.

MA... MARI?

"Heya, Shannon!" Mari greeted. She put a finger on her cheek, looking to the side. "Y'know, I've been waiting a reeeeally long time for Sunny and Aubrey to finally get their happily ever after, right? And, y'know, I would  reeeeally prefer it if you stayed out of it."

THAT MONSTER KILLED YOU. THAT MONSTER RUINED OUR FAMILY .

Mari pouted. "That was four years ago, Shannon, just let it go already."

THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. YOU LOST YOUR LIFE AND IT WAS FRAMED AS A FUCKING SUICIDE. BY HIM. I DIED TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SASQUATCH AND IT WAS FRAMED AS A FUCKING SUICIDE. BY HIM.

"And you disowned him in the middle of the fucking street," Mari gritted. "You disowned your own fucking SON in the middle of the fucking street, you left him to fucking DIE. "

Mari's hair flared up, eyes wide and wild. "Do you have ANY fucking idea how long I spent trying to get him out of his fucking room? How long I spent trying to convince him that it all was a fucking ACCIDENT and that it wasn't his fault?! My dear brother spent FOUR FUCKING YEARS thinking he was nothing but a murderer."

Mari held her up in the air. "And JUST when he finally was starting to heal, YOU THREW HIM OUT ON THE FUCKING STREET. Who's the real monster here, Shannon?"

YOU... WERE... FIFTEEN...

"HE WAS TWELVE. HE WAS SIXTEEN. "

HE... KILLED... US...

"Don't try to push yourself as the lesser of two evils, Shannon," Mari stared daggers into her. "You both made horrible fucking mistakes. The difference between you two? He admitted it."

Mari tightened her grip on her.

M...MARI... I... LOVED... YOU...

"You didn't love us," Mari snarled. "Not enough."

Mari suplexed her into the motherfucking earth.

Shannon suddenly awoke, rising to her feet. 'What...?'

Her sight was... blinded, yet she could still hear. And smell.

Machinery seemed to clank all around her, steam hissing throughout all the parts, all while what sounded like fluids passed through the walls. Not just any fluids, though, based on what she could smell. It was... blood.

She tried to reach out for the wall, only to find her arms completely gone.

'What... what happened to me...?!'

She heard a quiet thud around the corner, and quickly whipped around towards it.

The thud repeated, slowly growing louder, as... breakcore music could be heard...?

She heard what sounded like coins being flicked into the air. A message entered her head as the coins chimed again, sounding as if something were ricocheting off of them, blasting towards her.

MANKIND IS DEAD.

BLOOD IS FUEL.

HELL IS FULL.

Shannon exploded into a splash of blood.

"i guess i really claimed this reasonless war, huh?" V1 Ultrakill quipped, before nae-naeing on the Shannon puddle.