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Zoro was done. Absolutely, completely, 100% done.
Because why the hell was Ace still here?!
It had been two damn hours. Two hours of Ace and Sanji laughing, talking, touching, and looking way too comfortable together. Zoro had glared holes into Ace’s back, but the bastard wouldn’t leave.
And Sanji? That idiot had no idea what he was doing. Smiling. Teasing. Flipping his stupid blond hair. Ace was probably loving it.
Zoro was grinding his teeth so hard it was a miracle he hadn’t bitten through his sword.
“Zoro, breathe,” Usopp whispered, looking terrified. “You’re turning purple.”
“I am breathing,” Zoro growled.
“Yeah? Because it sounds like you’re about to explode.”
Zoro ignored him, too busy watching Ace lean in—again.
And then it happened.
Ace laughed, reached out, and—flicked Sanji’s forehead.
Zoro stood up so fast he knocked the table over.
“I’m going to kill him.”
Usopp screamed. “OH GOD, NOT AGAIN!”
But before Zoro could charge in, a new problem arrived: Nami and Robin.
“Ohhh,” Nami said, appearing at Zoro’s side with a knowing smirk. “Somebody looks angry.”
Robin sipped her tea. “Jealousy is such a fascinating emotion.”
“I’M NOT JEALOUS,” Zoro snapped.
Nami grinned. “Mmm, sure. So, what’s your plan? Drag Sanji away again? Challenge Ace to a duel? Cry into your pillow later?”
Zoro scowled. “I don’t cry.”
“Oh, I know what you should do,” Nami said, her smirk widening. “If you wanna win Sanji back, you have to make him jealous too.”
Robin nodded. “Yes, an excellent idea.”
Zoro blinked. “What?”
Nami grinned. “Simple. Go flirt with someone else.”
Zoro stared. “With who?”
Nami and Robin exchanged glances.
Then, together, they turned to Usopp.
Usopp choked on air. “ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
“Oh, come on,” Nami said. “Take one for the team.”
“I would rather die.”
Zoro grumbled. “This is the dumbest idea ever.”
Robin smiled. “Then do you have a better plan?”
Zoro hesitated.
…No. He did not have a better plan.
Nami smirked. “Thought so. Now get over there and flirt.”
Usopp groaned. “I hate my life.”
But Zoro had no choice. He was not going to lose to Ace.
So, with the grace of a brick, Zoro stomped over to where Sanji and Ace were talking.
And then he did the dumbest thing of his life.
He grabbed Usopp.
Threw an arm around his shoulder.
And said, “This is my boyfriend now.”
Silence.
Sanji’s cigarette fell out of his mouth.
Ace looked delighted.
Usopp whispered, “I’m in hell.”
Sanji blinked. “Wait. What.”
Zoro doubled down. “Yeah. Usopp. He’s mine.”
Usopp wheezed. “SOMEONE KILL ME.”
Sanji’s eyebrow twitched. “You. And Usopp.”
Zoro nodded, looking as serious as possible. “Yeah.”
Ace smirked. “Wow. Unexpected. Congrats, Usopp.”
Usopp looked like he wanted to jump overboard. “I. Am. Going. To. Die.”
Nami and Robin? Loving it.
“Oh, this is gold,” Nami whispered.
Robin smiled. “I must admit, I didn’t expect this twist.”
Sanji’s eye twitched harder. “So, let me get this straight. You’re telling me that instead of murdering Ace like you clearly wanted to, you’re suddenly dating Usopp?”
Zoro nodded. “That’s right.”
Usopp whimpered. “Please kill me.”
Sanji stared.
Then he snorted.
Then he laughed.
Then he wheezed so hard he had to grab the railing.
Ace laughed too. “Damn, Zoro. I knew you were jealous, but this is next-level.”
Zoro’s face turned red. “I—SHUT UP.”
Sanji wiped a tear from his eye. “Holy shit, Marimo. You are so stupid.”
Zoro grumbled. “I tried.”
“Yeah, well, you failed,” Sanji said, still laughing. Then, before Zoro could react, Sanji grabbed his tie, yanked him forward, and kissed him.
Zoro’s brain shut down.
The whole ship went silent.
Then:
Nami: “OH MY GOD.”
Robin: “Fascinating.”
Ace: “Called it.”
Usopp: sobbing “CAN I GO NOW?!”
Sanji pulled back, grinning. “There. Fixed your problem, dumbass.”
Zoro blinked. Then smirked. “Hah. Knew you liked me.”
Sanji shoved him. “Shut up.”
Ace clapped his hands. “Welp, my work here is done.”
Zoro narrowed his eye. “The hell does that mean?”
Ace smirked. “I was helping you, dumbass. You needed a push.”
Zoro stared. “So—you—”
Ace winked. “Yep.”
Sanji groaned. “You asshole.”
Ace grinned. “Love you too, Sanji.”
Zoro cracked his knuckles. “I am going to kill you.”
Ace cackled and ran.
Meanwhile, Usopp lay on the floor, mumbling, “I hate this crew. I hate this crew. I hate this crew.”
Robin chuckled. “That was fun.”
Nami smirked. “Oh yeah. Worth every second.”
Zoro looked at Sanji. “So. You’re mine now.”
Sanji scoffed. “Tch. Whatever.”
Zoro grinned. “Nah. Say it.”
Sanji groaned. “I hate you.”
Zoro smirked. “Love you too, sweetheart.”
Sanji turned bright red. “SHUT UP.”
And Nami and Robin high-fived, victorious.
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THE END.
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