Chapter Text
He didn't know how it happened, he just knew the when – when the feeling settled between his ribs like a bruise blossoming on his abdomen. He could feel it – feel it everyday like a sore reminder that he was different. He saw them differently.
It was just another regular schedule when it happened – when it hit him like a punch to the gut. They were promoting for one of their most recent comebacks and were pre-recording for a music show as usual. He was just lazing about, trying his damnedest to catch his breath for just a moment – one moment. And then the feeling hit him as he watched one of the older member's getting their makeup done.
It was Minho, he thinks. Minho was getting his makeup done as Jisung stood in front of him, chatting away animatedly about a plot to some anime he assumed they watched together. And Jeongin, in that moment, couldn't help but stare – stare at his hyung's reflection like he was in an art museum and Minho was the piece of art hung up for all to appreciate.
Minho was—is breathtaking. The sight of him in this particular stage outfit took Jeongin's breath away and he had no idea as to why or the how. All he knew was that he couldn't take his eyes off his hyung in those long moments where it seemed as time slowed and everything else became a blur around him. Everything except for Minho. Even Jisung's ramblings were nothing but background buzz, like the white noise in your ear when a whole room goes silent.
And it was all very strange, Jeongin thought. Because he was used to his hyung's being handsome – used to them always surprising him with photos of themselves looking dashing or charming or beautiful. But this? This was different.
But Jeongin didn't even have time to dwell on this newfound emotion because his gaze caught Minho's in the mirror. A smirk and teasing lilt to the older's tone as he cooed at him. "Ayen-ah, you should take a picture, it'll last longer." He had winked at Jeongin's reflection in the mirror, eliciting a full-body laugh from Jisung and a deep chuckle from Felix who was getting his hair done next to the duo.
Jeongin's face flushed, slouching back in his seat as a petulant "Hyung," fell off his tongue. He crossed his arms over his chest, the tiniest pout to his lips as he watched the trio from across the room. Jisung now taking this opportunity to tease their maknae.
"Ay, is our Jeonginnie pouting?" The older crosses the room to poke at his cheeks, cooing at the younger. A grin so wide on his face you would think it'd hurt to smile so hard. But not for Jisung – never for Jisung. Jeongin frowns, trying and failing to swat away the older man's hands from his red cheeks.
"Han-ah, leave Jeongin alone. You know if you mess up the stylists noona's work they'll scold you again." Felix chastises, looking through the mirror's reflection to watch Jisung try and grab at Jeongin's cheeks. Jisung pouts, halting his antics as he spins around to look at the blonde while one of the makeup noona's come up to finish the final touch-ups to his eye makeup. The only indication to her listening into the conversation being the thoughtful curve to her lips, appreciative of the way Felix looked out for them.
"You guys never let me have fun." The older man whines and Jeongin has half a mind wanting to tell the other just how cute he sounds, but he knows it won't end well in his favor. It'll most likely end up with Jisung teasing him even more as Minho comments about how cute he is. Jeongin rolls his eyes at the thought.
Felix chuckles again, the sound deep and charming, and Jeongin can't help but think about how stupidly ironic it is that Felix looks like this while sounding like that. Jisung's pout deepens, his cheeks puffing out just that bit more as he whines again. "It's not that serious Hannie." Felix soothes, one eye closed as the makeup artist puts some glitter on his eyelids, pulling a huff from the other.
Jisung rolls his eyes, anything but soothed as he places his hands on his hips. "I could say the same about my teasing." The brunette fires back before walking back off to Minho to go whine to him about how "Yongbokkie won't let me play with our maknae." Jeongin just rolls his eyes again before glancing back towards Felix, the blonde now walking towards the single seater next to him after just finishing up.
"Thanks hyung." Jeongin mumbles between them, a soft smile on his face as he tilts his head up a bit to face him. Felix beams down at the younger from his position above him and leans over just enough to poke at Jeongin's dimple, the silliest laugh bubbling out of him at the action.
"It's no problem Ayen-ah." And somewhere by the makeup station a very loud "Seriously!" in English is being yelled out from Jisung that has both Jeongin and Felix breaking into a fit of laughter. The older man huffing again at the younger members messing with him and how no one takes him seriously anymore. Pulling another round of laughs out of everyone in the room before Chan is peeking his head in and telling them they have to be onstage in five, an endeared smile to his lips as Felix yelled out a "Yes hyung!" his way.
....
When Jeongin and the rest of the members had went backstage again after their turn, he had thrown himself lazily on the settee he was sitting on previously, a sigh of relief leaving him as the tension in his shoulder's eased. He was strewn about like a bowl of string beans waiting to be sifted through. His legs haphazardly hanging off the too-small-for-him settee as he threw his arm over his eyes to block out the brightness of the fluorescent lights overhead. He heard Felix laugh again at his awkward position, followed by Changbin's sickly sweet voice only used when he wants to coddle or tease the members.
"Ah, is our Ayennie tired?" Changbin questioned. He sat down on the sliver of couch space left that Jeongin's long limbs hadn't taken up yet as he went to rub gently at the younger's shin. Careful in the way he applied slight pressure to rub out the tense muscles under his palm. Jeongin's ears flushed as he tensed lightly at the ministrations, only letting up when the older mumbled a "Relax," through his breath as he worked on his calf.
Jeongin's sigh was quick to turn into a groan as Changbin thumbed at a particular knot in his muscle, the flush from his ears going straight down his neck. "Hyung," Jeongin had whined, aimlessly kicking his feet to try and get the older man to stop because he could feel it – that feeling again, tugging at his heartstrings like they did with Minho earlier when he was sitting on the makeup stylist's chair, patiently being dolled up just a measly thirty minutes ago.
He heard Changbin chuckle, a mix between a deep and rambunctious and more high-pitched whistly tone just like always and Jeongin had to remind himself that he's heard Changbin laugh before – called it annoying on many of an occasion, so why is it that now it has him feeling like he's being driven down the steep slope of a roller coaster?
He whines again when the older catches his ankle and places a firm hand on it to keep him from kicking wildly again. Trying to placate him with soothing circles with his thumb to the bone. "Hyung's just trying to rub this knot out. Your muscle seems stiff and I don't want you pulling something or getting a cramp." And Jeongin would honestly feel endeared if it wasn't for the fact that his face could rival Felix's natural warmth – whether Jeongin means body warmth or Felix's warmth-like qualities he couldn't say. But he let's up, a huff from his lips giving the other all the indication he needed to know that Jeongin wouldn't be kicking him in the face anytime soon.
His face is still bright red from the older's care. Thankful enough that he can get away with covering it now that the cameras aren't on and there's no random staff person filming him, commemorating this moment for the masses for a lifetime. He breathes through his nose, trying and failing to will the blush from his face purely on hope alone. He won't let the other's see him like this. Especially when he himself can't even fully put a name to what exactly this is.
The older's ministrations last for two more minutes before Changbin is announcing the end of his personal massage for the younger. The older patting him lightly on the thigh as he moves to get up. "I finished Ayen-ah. Make sure to take better care of yourself alright?" And Jeongin knows in his heart of hearts that the older is just trying to look out for him – care for their youngest – but it still doesn't stop the stutter in his chest at the words. So, in fear of embarrassing himself, he just offers Changbin a curt nod, never once removing the arm strewn across his face or even trying to offer the action in the other's general direction. But Changbin accepts it all the same, walking off without uttering another word to leave the younger in peace.
....
Jeongin doesn't remember falling asleep. But apparently he was asleep because now he's not and is currently being coaxed into waking up with a slightly concerned Chan above him and Hyunjin's hand buried in his hair, petting him awake. He blinks the sleep from his eyes, slowly lifting his upper half just enough to sit on his elbows as he looks up at the duo with confusion engraved in his expression.
"It's time to go Yen-ah." Comes Chan's voice, soothing and calming and soft around the edges. The voice he reserves only for the occasions when he has to wake them during their brief naps during hectic schedules or when he feels like he needs to hold one of the member's together during a rough patch. Jeongin knows it's the latter, but something in his stomach stirs – like Chan can read right through his exhaustion and can just tell that this isn't like the exhaustion he gets from overworking on a choreo while in the dance studio or the exhaustion from re-singing his lines over and over again while recording. That this is different, and Jeongin has to fight the urge to shrink away from the other's worried orbs.
"Sorry hyung." Jeongin opts to mumble instead as he scrambles to get up and put on the change of shoes he brought with him – when did the other ones even come off? Chan just shakes his head, ruffling Jeongin's already mussed hair, messing it up even more. Jeongin doesn't even complain or whine or swat at the other's hand, too busy trying to occupy himself with lacing up the sneakers he brought to change into to forget the feeling in his chest and—gosh, did he even change out of his stage outfit yet? Jeongin looks down at the tight pleather pants the stylists made him wear for the stage performance and groans. "Fuck."
The anxiety that curled in his stomach long forgotten now as he kicks off the shoe he just put on and walks over to where his bag was. And...where the fuck is it? He spins around, his eye's scanning every nook and cranny of the room the venue allowed them to work in, but all he sees are the cleared up makeup stations, the chairs put back neatly, and all the tables cleaned off. A frown tugs at his lips as he looks up at Chan first. "Hyung, where's my duffel? I have to change out of this outfit or the noona's will kill me."
There's a silence that engulfs the trio and Jeongin chances a glance at Hyunjin, the older trying to hold back a giggle like what Jeongin said was the funniest thing in the world to him. He tilts his head, confusion laced into the knit of his brow as he looks at them suspiciously. "The noona's left twenty minutes ago Yeni." Hyunjin says through the hand stifling his laugh, but he still can't help the few that make it past him. Jeongin's eyes widen comically as his gaze snaps to look straight at Chan.
"What?" Jeongin startles. His eyes flit to the analog clock on the wall hung above the mirror's for the makeup stations, squinting slightly to read the time. 12:36 a.m. Jeongin's eyes widen in disbelief. He'd been sleeping for two hours. Jeongin looks back at Chan, another frown tugging at his lips. "Hyung, why didn't you wake me up sooner?" He borderline whines, a small bubble of frustration boiling over and staining his words with each syllable that left his mouth.
In all honesty, Jeongin isn't really complaining though. It's just that now he has no way of returning his stage outfit and he can't even change because the manager hyungs must've already loaded his bag into the car and—"Jeongin." His eyes snap back up to meet Chan's firm gaze – when did he even look away? – the slightest purse to the older man's lips, like he's debating whether he should really say what's on his mind or if it's better keeping it to himself.
Jeongin stares at him, expectant, like he's in leader mode and is about to give them directions on what to do while they're onstage. But Jeongin knows better, sees it in the way Chan deflates a little as the firmness in his expression softens and he's left standing there sighing to himself. "Nevermind. We can talk about it later. You need rest and we need to go home." Home. The thought of that had Jeongin relaxing again, a warm feeling blooming in his chest as he nodded absentmindedly.
"Yeah, yeah." Is all Jeongin can reply with dismissively, because his mind is set on home and the feelings and thoughts he has coursing through his body like a river downstream. Home is where all the members are at. Home is together, with them. Home is them. And Jeongin has to physically fight the cheesiest smile from breaking out on his face at just the mere thought of it all, biting the inside of his cheek to repress the emotion from showing.
"Yeah, but you might wanna change first Yeni. I don't even know how you fell asleep in that outfit." Hyunjin grimaces, his nose scrunched up as he judges Jeongin's choice of sleepwear. And Jeongin doesn't even have to fight off the feeling to smile for long because now he's frowning, a squint to his eyes as he levels the older with a hard look.
"Can't really do that when my duffel's missing." He grumbles pointedly and Chan laughs sheepishly, rubbing at the nape of his neck like he always did when he was nervous or shy or embarrassed – probably the latter or maybe a combination of all Jeongin surmised. Hyunjin stiffles another onslaught of giggles trying to escape him as he pats at Chan's left shoulder blade to soothe the older, a frown pulling at his plump lips.
"That was my fault Ayen-ah. Hyung was trying to rush us all out because of another booking in the next twenty minutes so we kind of just grabbed everything and packed the van before me and Hyunjin came back to wake you." Chan sounds so apologetic and honestly looks like if he could, he would kick himself for inconveniencing Jeongin that all the younger can do is just sigh. The heat in his eyes only a light simmer at this point as his expression softened.
"It's fine hyung." Jeongin asserts, an attempt to ease the self deprecating mental talk Chan was surely having with himself in that gorgeously, over-anxious head of his. And it seems to do its job, the tense lines in Chan's posture relaxes and he doesn't resemble a kicked puppy anymore so Jeongin was going to count that as win. "What do I do about the stage outfit though?"
"Ah, hyung said we can take it to the noona's at the company tomorrow. Remember we have that schedule to film that dance practice?" And Jeongin recalls how earlier that week their manager did mention how they needed to film the dance practice content for their new music video and the behind the scenes for their concert practice. Jeongin nods slowly.
"Yeah, I remember." Jeongin affirms, nodding his head subconsciously as the words fell from his lips. "Do you think I can still change out of this or....?" He gestures vaguely to the almalgamation of different fabrics and accessories layered to look nice on his person. And Chan seems to spring into action, going back towards the door that leads into the backstage hallways before he stops just short of it. And now – now that Jeongin's sleep riddled brain isn't curdled with anxiety and that floaty feeling from earlier – he spots what he can only assume to be a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt folded neatly and sitting forgotten on the table their manager had used to set up bottled water for when they came back from being onstage.
Chan grabs the articles of clothing, bringing them back to Jeongin with a small smile on his lips and Jeongin has to fight the mental comparison of him looking like a cute puppy bringing back a stick they were playing fetch with – he's sure that if Chan had a tail it would be wagging right now. "Here Yeni." Chan offers simply, handing the younger the clothing items that were definitely not his. Jeongin looks between the articles of clothing and his hyungs in front of him, his eyebrow arched in silent question. "It's my hoodie and Hyunjin's sweats. We just grabbed what was quickest when we realized you were still in your stage outfit. I hope you don't mind." Chan explains as he bit at his bottom lip.
Jeongin shifts his gaze away from the action before it stubbornly remained there for too long, willing the flush to just remain on his ears and not stain the rest of his face in hopes of keeping the fluttery feeling in his stomach at bay. "Thanks." He mumbles just audible enough for the duo to hear as he grabs at the clothes to change out of his uncomfortable ones. In hindsight, he knows that the stage outfit looks great, but sometimes he can't help to wonder what goes on in their stylists head's when putting together the sometimes too-frustrating-to-dance-in stage outfits.
"It's no problem Ayen-ah. We'll wait in the hall for you." Jeongin nodded wordlessly, already waving off the duo as he desperately tried to tug away at the belt adorning his waist with a concentrated frown tugging at his lips. Hyunjin giggled at his obvious frustration when the stupid thing got caught with fabric and wouldn't come off no matter how much he yanked at it.
"Here." He heard before there was large hands grabbing at the belt around his waist, untangling the fabric that was blocking the clasp. Jeongin didn't even know he was holding his breath or how high with tension he was until Hyunjin – because it was Hyunjin's hands that were on him – was slipping the belt from his waist and wrapping it up into a chord so that it could be packed away neatly for tomorrow, having walked away from the younger to pass the belt off to Chan allowing Jeongin the chance to kick his lungs back into gear.
"Thanks hyung." Jeongin mumbled, his ears bright red at the action, hoping the duo wouldn't point it out. He heard Hyunjin laugh again before he saw it, like bells ringing in his ears – or maybe that's the rush of blood – before his gaze was landing on the older, watching in silent awe as his eyes crinkled cutely and his mouth fell open from his outburst.
And, again, Jeongin should've been concerned – concerned for the way his heart stuttered in his chest and the breath caught in his throat over something he should be used to hearing – but he was quick to shake the thought off. Trying to regain some semblance of control over his all-over-the-place feelings. Especially the rapidly beating heart in his chest.
He licks his chapped lips as he watches the two older men walk out so he can change in peace – peace being the keyword here because Jeongin doesn't think he'll be able to dress comfortably otherwise. And just before the door closes he can see Chan look at him with what he can only assume is quiet concern before he was breaking the silence in the room that Hyunjin left behind.
"Don't take too long Ayen-ah." And from where Jeongin stands, he could see Chan press his lips into a fine line – as if he wanted to say more. But Hyunjin was quick to usher him out, tugging him back by the back of his shirt until he was practically being dragged out of the room by force.
"Hyung, let Jeongin change so we can head home already." Jeongin could practically hear the drop of irritation painting Hyunjin's tone as he groaned at Chan holding him up. Chan glanced over to Jeongin one last time eyeing him wearily, the younger offering him a reassuring smile in hopes of putting whatever worries the older had for him currently, to rest. It seemed to help the other at least the tiniest bit because he was quick to allow himself be practically manhandled by the lithe dancer, closing the door gently on his way out so Jeongin would have some privacy as he undressed.
Jeongin breathed, a hand coming to his chest as he tried his hardest to get his heartbeat back to normal again now that the duo was gone. His eyes remained staring at the closed door to their previously booked room, waiting a few moments to make sure they wouldn't be bursting back in there. And when those moments passed and the silence stretched, Jeongin could feel the tension in his shoulders relaxing again as he released a shaky breath.
"What the fuck was that?"
....
Jeongin needed some space, which is ironic because currently he was far from having that considering he was packed like a sardine in the backseat of the van he was in with Hyunjin, Chan, and—Seungmin? That was...different. Usually Changbin or Felix would ride with them, Changbin using it as an excuse to fawn over Hyunjin like a moth to a firelight. But here Seungmin was, squished in the backseat with him, two bags between them as Hyunjin took the middle seat across from Jeongin – the one in front of him being taken up by even more bags, and Chan in the front with one of their manager hyung's sitting behind the wheel.
Jeongin should've known better than to expect to have a semblance of space when most of their career they've spent stacked on top of one another like a package of bulk canned goods, but he still could hope. And that's the funny thing about hope. It's like a flame set alight, all consuming and burning away any thought of logic – of reason.
Because here Jeongin was, twiddling his thumbs as he tried to focus on the scenery outside the window passing them by, his phone inside his duffel having been tossed in the other van with the other members before they left – explains why Chan and Hyunjin had to lend him their clothes instead. But none of the distractions he tried to make for himself could hold him back from staring at Seungmin's side profile, like just looking at him would answer all the questions whirring around that head of his.
"You're staring." Jeongin jumped slightly, his eyes widening once he blinked himself out of his stupor as he focused his attention to properly look at the older once again. And that's when his gaze met Seungmin's, the other looking at him with a neutral expression but a silent question swimming in his orbs. He arches his eyebrow. "Is there something you want to ask me or...?" The older trails off and Jeongin doesn't know what to say honestly.
"Oh—no. Sorry hyung." Jeongin supplies feebly, shifting his gaze away from the other's curious one. He can practically feel Seungmin's eyes still on him even as he turns his cheek to look out the window, and he honestly doesn't know how the older had put up with his insistent staring for as long as he did.
"Jeongin." And Jeongin has to stop himself from leaning away from the other, from curling in on himself, because Seungmin was placing his hand on his knee to garner his attention – it worked of course. Jeongin turns his head back to look at Seungmin, his expression once again frustratingly neutral as he just stared at him, and Jeongin has to bite his tongue because—wow was Seungmin handsome.
Jeongin tenses slightly at the thought – at the realization he was having all of a sudden – and Seungmin was squeezing his knee, a gesture of reassurance. His gaze softening as he stared hard at the younger, like he was trying to open him up and read him like some book he picked up. And Jeongin can't help to think that maybe he can see through him – read him like an open book with his every thought and emotion written neatly for him in printed, black ink.
And Jeongin wanted to shy away from the other's soft brown orbs because this has got to be one of Jeongin's most embarrassing moments in his lifetime. Like, Jeongin always had a knack for timing but this – this took the icing on the cake. Because, here he was, about to have a sexuality crisis in the back of the van he was in where he was surrounded by the person – people – he was attracted to. And holy fuck him sideways, Jeongin didn't just have some stupid little crush on one of them. It was all of them. He almost barked out a laugh at his own stupidity, instead he just bit his tongue.
"Jeongin," The other calls again, this time less commanding and more tender – softer, like Jeongin might run away if he even so as dared to raise his voice. And maybe Jeongin might have, he could feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins at the quarter-life crisis he was in the midst of. "Is something wrong?" There's this unwavering concern in his gaze as the worry knits his eyebrows together so prettily Jeongin has to swallow the knot building up in his throat to distract him from his thoughts.
He's so grateful that everyone's too into their own world to pay attention to the conversation going on in the backseat between him and Seungmin. He's sure that if Chan wasn't knee deep into his phone – probably texting Jisung and Changbin about some song he needed their feedback on – he'd be staring him down in the rear view mirror with his ear strained to listen for Jeongin's answer. Whatever that may be.
Jeongin swallows thickly, trying to gather as much moisture as he can to wet his dry throat, his gaze shifting to stare off at Hyunjin's relaxed figure, leaning against the window of the car as he dozes off silently, his earbuds plugged into his ears. "It's nothing hyung. I was just thinking." He answers quietly and he silently prays that the older believes him because he just figured out why his heart has been stuttering in his chest, why his breath seems to catch in his throat, why his face flushes from his face down to his neck, and yet, he still can't come to terms with it – he won't.
Jeongin's eyes flit back to glance at Seungmin after the moment of silence between them seems to stretch on for ages – it was actually only one minute but Jeongin believes otherwise, getting caught in the brown orbs that stare back at him with that same, silent concern from before. He watches as the older stares at him like if he can just properly get a good look at his face then maybe he'd be able to understand what's going on in the younger's head. And maybe he can. Seungmin was always so painstakingly observant that Jeongin wouldn't be surprised if he was already putting two and two together.
The older sighs, pulling away the hand that was rubbing soothing circles into the bone of his knee, and Jeongin has half a mind telling him that he misses the sensation. Of course, instead he just bites the inside of his cheek and presses his lips together. "You don't have to tell me. But at least talk to Chan hyung about it. He's worried about you." The older gestures vaguely over to the older sitting in the front of the car, and from Jeongin's seat, he can see the beginnings of a frown and worry line his face as he stares down at his phone.
Jeongin turns back to Seungmin, opening his mouth to say something only for it to close not even two seconds later. What was he even supposed to say? Seungmin just shakes his head. "It's alright Yeni." And Jeongin has to ignore the way his heart skips a beat even though he's heard the older call him as such a thousand times before. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. Not when you're not ready. Just promise me you'll tell hyung." There's this look to Seungmin's eyes as he waits for a response, a sign, a form of confirmation – anything – that let's him know that Jeongin would at least confide in one of them that has the younger nodding his head in lieu of an answer, unwilling to trust his voice.
And, apparently, that's all that Seungmin needed. This cute, boyish smile breaking out amongst his features as he reaches his hand up to ruffle Jeongin's hair sweetly. "Good." The older praised and Jeongin preened, his ears flushing the faintest shade of red as the older pet his head like an owner greeting their pet after getting home from work. Jeongin just prayed he wouldn't be able to make out the hue of red in the dark of the car, the only light seeping in being from the fluorescent street lamps they passed under.
He was honestly and thoroughly fucked.
....
When the lot of them trudged into their shared apartment, bags in hand, exhaustion engraved in every bone of their bodies as they took tired, slow steps through the front door and toed off their shoes, Jeongin was already thinking about every way he could get out of talking to Chan. Thinking about how stupid he was to promise Seungmin that he would speak to the oldest just because he looked at him with those pretty brown orbs and that cute neutral frown of his and—Jeongin stopped that train of thought before it spiraled further.
Just promise me you'll tell hyung. The words mocked him, insistent as he slipped out of his shoes and into one of the many pairs of slippers by the entrance. It truthfully didn't matter if they were actually his or not. Him and the other's tend to share...well, everything. Everything except this. Because Jeongin wouldn’t even know how to voice these feelings when he himself was having a hard time grasping at them.
He felt strange – weird, tilted on his axis because Jeongin wasn't used to this. He always saw his feelings for the others as something more akin to platonic love – brotherly. They always took care of him because he was their youngest, the baby of the group that needed to be looked after because he was only so old when they debuted. And now, here he was, with big, romantic, and very real feelings that he had no idea what to make of them.
"Jeongin." The younger looks up to see Chan waiting patiently by the edge of the settee they have setup in their living space, no one else in sight – probably all gone ahead to bed in order to wake up on time for their early schedules tomorrow. Jeongin blinks slowly at the older, his hands instinctively digging themselves into the pocket of his – Hyunjin's – sweats as he makes his way over to the other. He schools his expression in a measly attempt to hide the nerves wreaking havoc in his system.
"Yes hyung?" He mentally celebrates when his tone is stable – even despite allowing his nails to bite at the skin of his palms after he balled his hands into fists to ground him – and doesn't sound like a teenager while going through the highs and lows of puberty. "Do you need something?" Jeongin continues after a brief silence had blanketed them and wrapped around Jeongin's heart like a snake trapping it's prey, squeezing with a vice grip before striking.
Except, this wasn't some predator waiting to pounce, it wasn't like the time he got in trouble with their manager for cursing while onstage and got reprimanded, or the time he was late for scheduling and the staff tore into him for it. It was just Chan – his hyung, their leader. Jeongin allowed himself to slightly relax, willing his fingers to go lax and lay pliantly within his pockets as Chan met his gaze. The older didn't even look like he wanted to talk right now, pursing his lips all pretty like as he contemplated something. Jeongin had to pinch himself on the thigh to focus again. He wasn't really in the right headspace to get caught ogling at his hyung like he was the prettiest thing to grace this planet – he is one of the prettiest things to grace this planet. Jeongin pinches himself again.
"Here," Between them Chan is holding out the strap to his duffel, having carried it all the way up to their apartment from the looks of it. Jeongin's heart stutters, beating rapidly for an entirely new reason as he removes his hands from his pockets to grab the strap and hike it over his own shoulder. He looks back at the other, gripping the strap of his duffel like a lifeline, a question on the tip of his tongue that the older is answering before he even has the chance to ask it. "You seemed pretty out of it when we got out of the vans and the others had already unpacked all their stuff when we pulled up and handed off your bag to me."
"Oh," Jeongin replied lamely. He blinked, trying to get his feelings in check so he could properly thank the older, subconsciously tightening his hold on the strap of his bag. "Thanks hyung. You didn't have to carry it all the way up here for me though. I could've handled it." He offers the older a small smile, hoping that the action will help the remaining tension in the air around them disappear.
Instead, the tension seems to grow thicker, creating space for the uneasy feeling curdling in Jeongin's stomach. His smile drops into a frown as Chan presses his lips into a thin line again. Like he's trying to hold himself back from letting his thoughts fall past his lips – actively fighting his facial muscles so that his jaw stays clenched, but it really was no use. "Could you?"
And the question was so vague that it had Jeongin blinking in silence for a few moments before he responded. "What?" There's no bite in his tone, just pure wonder as he stares at the other with his eyebrows knit in confusion and his head swimming with questions.
Chan bites his lips, Jeongin's eyes tracking the action despite himself, as he rubs at the nape of his neck in resignation. He sighs. "This is not how I pictured this conversation going." He grumbles and Jeongin allows himself to chuckle at Chan's expense, if only to ease the anxiety thrumming in his veins and wrapping around his brain like a thick fog rolling in. Chan meets his eyes as he shakes his head again, having to bite back a smile as he gestures to the couch, the tension in the air less imposing.
"Sit Yen-ah." And Jeongin sits, shrugging off his bag onto the seat to the right of him as Chan sits on the seat on the left of him. A sigh bubbling past his lips like instinct when his body melts into the cushions of the couch. And for a long while, there was a pleasant silence between the duo. Like they had all the time in the world to just sit and relax – like they didn't have a morning schedule to attend in the next few hours – before they had this conversation.
A couple of more moments of silence passed them by – the calm before the storm – before Chan was breaking it. Another sigh falling from his lips – less from exhaustion and more from the tension in his body weighing him down. "Tell me what's going on, Yen-ah." There's this calm to his words as he utters them into the silence between them. Like the comfort of a warm home shielding away the cold on a harsh winter night, and Jeongin can't help the way his heart capers in his chest.
Jeongin shifts in his seat, trying to gather what little sound mind he has left to answer the older, give him an explanation or something. He needs an excuse, something believable while he figures his shit out and gets his head on straight. While he tries to get over this—this thing.
Jeongin wets his chapped lips instinctively. "I've just...been overwhelmed hyung. I don't know." Jeongin opts to say instead of blurting out about how he thinks he's crushing on all of his group mates. It's not lying per se, it's just a half-truth. Something believable enough to get the other's from reading too much into things – from realizing the way Jeongin had.
He presses his lips together and folds his hands over his lap as he glances over at Chan, waiting for any indication to the older not believing him – for seeing through him. Instead, he gets a scene only Shakespeare himself would dare to write. Chan, laying back into their seattee with his arm thrown over the back of where Jeongin sits as he stares at the younger with the kind of softness that can only be described as Chan's. The glow of the moon accentuating every line and curve of his features like he was sculpted by a Greek God and then painted by Da Vinci himself.
Jeongin has half a mind screaming at him to go wake up Hyunjin right now because Chan looks absolutely stunning and there's no way in hell he'd allow the other to pass up an opportunity to paint something so beautiful and—right, he's supposed to be getting over this. Jeongin mentally shakes himself from his stupor, pulling himself together in a terrible attempt at reigning in his emotions once again.
"Is it the schedules?" Chan asks after a moment of silence. "I know we've been more busy since last comeback and we have more things planned for the next few months..." He trails on before shaking his head, another sigh falling from his lips. "We should be able to have a couple weeks of rest after promotions."
Jeongin just nods his head silently. He knows better though – knows that they actually won't be getting any real rest anytime soon, the company will want to ride out this momentum they have going on for as long as it will last even if it leaves the group bone tired and hurt. Jeongin presses his lips together, fighting the urge to say something he shouldn't.
"If you want, I could tell hyung you fell ill or something, just so you can have a breather day. You can take a break here tomorrow instead of attending schedules." Chan offers sweetly, always caring and always looking out for the members like he managed to do. Jeongin shakes his head, ignoring the way his heart squeezes in his chest over the older's kindness.
"No hyung. I couldn't ask you to stick your neck out for me. Plus it's a filming schedule, there's no way I'd lie to get out of that. Stay would be so worried if I wasn't in the content." It felt like he was trying to convince himself more than Chan though. The older didn't tend to offer rest days like this with the reassurance to cover for them often – especially for film days. And while Jeongin probably could use tomorrow to pull himself together, he knows how much of a headache it is to work around when one of the members aren't present – mostly because the management can be...interesting to deal with on those days. He shook his head again.
"I'll...I'll figure something out. I wouldn't wanna be an inconvenience for the staff or have you guys have to push back scheduling because I lied to get out of filming." A frown settles on Chan's face after the words fall out of Jeongin's mouth, timid and clumsy. And Chan isn't even able to intercept this negative train of thought from spiraling because Jeongin is already spiraling. Fumbling over words to express his reluctance. "Not that I don't appreciate you looking out for me hyung, I do. I just...I just don't think I should get a break for feeling...off. It's not fair for you or the other members if the staff scold you guys because of me or retaliate because of me. I don't want to burden you."
And before Jeongin can ramble on even more about troubling Chan and the others over "Nothing important," Chan is interjecting, a grounding hand on the younger's forearm to catch his attention. "Jeongin." When his eyes focus back on Chan there's that calming look to his face again, the tenderness oozing off of him in waves, like just one wrong look could have Jeongin shattering into a million pieces. And maybe, if any of the members ever did look at him like that, maybe he would.
"Yen-ah, nobody would hold it against you if you needed to get out of filming tomorrow because you're not in the right headspace for it." And before Jeongin can interrupt the older to disagree, Chan is shaking his head, grabbing the younger's hand in his own to run soothing circles into the skin of his knuckles. "No Jeongin. We all care about you and want what's best for you. I don't care what the managers and staff say. I'll deal with them if we cross that bridge."
And Jeongin could cry, he really would've if it wasn't for Chan's need to tease his group mates in attempts to lighten the mood when it got too heavy – too much. "Now don't worry that pretty, little head of yours over those things. You don't have to take up my offer for tomorrow if you don't want to. But just know that it still stands whenever you need it." The older says sweetly, that disarming smile of his on his stupid – beautiful – face, his dimples on display.
Jeongin swoons and immediately tries to cover it up with a whiny "Hyung," and pout to his lips that makes him look more cute than angry, ignoring the prominent flush to his cheeks in hopes that the older won't notice them in the darkness of their entertainment room. Chan laughs quietly, rustling Jeongin's hair earning him another whine in response and a swat to his hand that has the older pulling his hand from the younger's head, not even paying mind to when Jeongin almost chased the feeling of his touch.
"Alright, alright. Let's head to bed now. We still have that schedule tomorrow morning and I don't want you getting an earful from Min because you're too tired to dance on your feet." Jeongin nodded, getting up and collecting his bag to head to the room he shared with some of the other members. They both trudged through the hallway silently, exhaustion seeping into their every step as they carried themselves and their things to their respective rooms. It wasn't until he was about to shuffle into his room that Chan had stopped him with one foot still in the hallway and his other past the threshold of his doorway.
"Yen-ah, sleep well alright. My door is always open for you." And Jeongin was stunned into silence as the older brought his hand one last time for the night, onto the younger's head and fondly ruffled his already mussed hair. "Don't forget to take off your makeup Yeni." And with that, he was off. Jeongin blinked and the older's door was already halfway closed, only left slightly ajar to stay true to his word – literally.
He blinked out of his stupor, an easy smile taking it's place on his features as he let out an amused laugh, shaking his head. And—oh yeah, he was so fucked.