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Grian didn’t have this problem last week.
Sahara and Magical Mountain booked the same hotel for testing, which rocks . Considering Grian and Scar spent most of the time leading up to Australia together, it was like a little miracle when the teams let them share a room for testing. The only condition was that they separate for the race weekend to keep everyone focused.
That’s when Grian learned there were rules against cohabiting with the enemy, so he decided to take the offer instead of exposing himself.
They knew that once the season started, their time together (alone, thank you very much Joel and Mumbo) would dwindle. With a clean slate for the championship for Grian and another shot at the constructors, they were both very busy at the beginning of the season.
He got back to their shared room (!) after Scar, did his nighttime routine, laid down to snuggle with his boyfriend, and fell asleep. That’s what he did every night after a long day of testing.
Once they switched from testing to race mode, his entire routine shattered.
Grian couldn’t sleep.
Scar landed a few floors away from him, which didn’t seem all that bad at first. He was grateful for it, actually, when he learned how early Magical Mountain wanted them at the track. As much as Grian loves him, Scar doesn’t know how to get ready quietly and Grian’s a light sleeper. After struggling to sleep that first night, he realized he didn’t need Scar waking him right as he drifted off.
Sleeping had never been a huge problem for him. If ever, as soon as he felt like tossing and turning, he’d grab the nearest bottle until he got sleepy enough to knock out.
He’s been trying to get better about that. All his friends and his therapist told him to stop drinking whenever he was sad or upset or looking for something to do, so it looked like nursing some wine was out of the picture.
Unfortunately, the problem started Thursday night before practice. It was the least important day of the damn race weekend, for crying out loud. It set a bad precedent, but he chalked it up to nerves after ruining last season.
Scar noticed something was up immediately; of course he did. He cradled Grian’s face and traced his frown with his thumb, but Grian told him he was just scared. He covered his yawn with his racing gloves and rubbed his eyes sleepily. The only person who gave him a second glance was Mumbo, and Mumbo nodded in sympathy when he said he slept badly.
Friday sucked, and he ended up staying awake until 4 a.m. that night until finally, he exhausted himself into falling asleep.
He wakes up at nine on Saturday, arriving late to the track with bags under his eyes. He avoids Scar (who would clock him the second he sees him) and makes a beeline to Sahara, pushing his fatigue out of his mind to focus on beating Etho and Joel.
Grian almost can’t believe it when he secures pole, so astonished he can’t be bothered to be embarrassed when he yawns so hard during an interview he pops his jaw.
Scar tracks him down when he’s trying to rush out. Somewhere within the fog in his mind, he recalls telling Scar he would head back to the hotel with him.
When he feels a hand on his shoulder, he can’t even jump. His body’s so sluggish he can’t do more than turn slowly.
Scar glances around the car park before wrapping his arms around his waist, burying his nose into Grian’s neck before quickly letting go. There are cameras everywhere, after all. Grian smiles at his boyfriend as Scar leads him to a rental car.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you all day!” He can feel Scar’s urge to grab his hand, instead opting to carry Grian’s backpack for him.
When their relationship was brand new, Scar was more than understanding when Grian said he wanted to be lowkey about their dating. He just… he wants to keep something for himself. After years and years of giving other people all of him, this is just for him. His life, and especially his private life, feels like it’s his again, and it’s a goddamn miracle. He never thought he’d live to see the day he’s loved and adored the way he is, and damn him if he’s going to let someone shove a camera in his face to capture it.
You know what else would be a miracle? Some sleep! The back of his brain has always supplied such great advice… Not!
“I was just getting ready to get pole and stuff,” Grian says casually, but he can’t stop the huge smile that spreads across his face. Scar looks at him with such pride that he forgets to suppress his yawn.
Luckily, Scar doesn’t think anything of it. He’s still grinning at him like he doesn’t care that Grian beat his teammate to pole. “Don’t tell Joel I said this, but I’m really happy for you.”
He says it so softly, so surely, that Grian can almost believe him. It makes him think he could be a champion before the season starts.
But then his head hits the pillow, he shuts his eyes, and all he can see is him ruining his own chances. The back of his eyelids replay when he hit Pearl and took himself out of the championship race. He watches himself make the pit call that allowed Pix to power through to win the year before that.
Then he opens his eyes, checks the clock, and realizes it’s only getting later and later, and sleep is coming no easier.
Grian forces a smile, because as happy as he is about getting pole, he can’t help but wonder if he’s going to mess everything up again. He qualified first, great. What happens when he makes his next big mistake and nobody remembers his great qualifying result?
“Thank you,” Grian says sincerely. There’s no point in bringing down the mood when he’s okay for now.
Scar talks his ear off about how excited he is for him, even if he really shouldn’t considering he’s Joel’s teammate. It’s sweet though, and he listens intently as they walk to the car. He yawns again as he climbs into the passenger seat, which Scar finally catches.
“You sleepy?” He’s giving Grian a weird look. Grian can’t blame him. Adrenaline is usually enough to keep him happy and upbeat until he gets in the car tomorrow, but he can feel the frown taking over his face.
Scar’s concerned now since he had to check in yesterday after catching Grian’s long face. He quickly wipes his face and gives him a sleepy smile. “Yeah, I stayed up all night strategizing how to beat Joel’s ass.”
He leans back against the seat as Scar rests a hand against his thigh. “I’ll take a quick nap. Wake me when we’re back at the hotel?”
Grian only keeps his eyes open long enough to see Scar nod, and with Scar’s presence, the only thing on his mind is Scar’s faint humming.
He checks his phone with a sigh. 12:49
Grian got ready for bed early, went to the lobby for complimentary chamomile tea, and sat staring at the ceiling.
He put calming music through his headphones, but while it made him tired, he just couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t settle down enough to relax and it was really starting to piss him off, which isn’t helping him unwind. For as heavy as his eyes were, shutting them did nothing! He could lay here for an hour and it does nothing.
He did lay here for an hour, actually. He’d gotten to bed at eleven on the dot but to no avail. No matter how much he flips his pillow or forces his eyes close, he doesn’t drift any further into dreamland. The closest was his nap with Scar, but Scar got a call from Cub and they had to separate for the day.
12:52
Scar’s probably asleep.
Grian picks up his phone, checking his latest text from BigB. His fingers won’t formulate a text, so he replies with a funny picture of Mumbo he had taken yesterday during their briefing. Sadly, he suspects BigB won’t see his text until the morning. He would love to send pictures back and forth until he falls asleep.
He chucks his phone somewhere in the blankets, turning onto his side. He looks at the mini fridge, thinking of what he would’ve done if this were last season; he would’ve grabbed his favorite drink until he passed out.
Grian grabs his phone again. 12:53
His thumb hovers over his texts with Scar, the last text reading ‘good night <3’ . He sighs, wondering if his boyfriend is still awake. Not likely. Scar said Magical Mountain was meeting at the track early. Grian shouldn’t wake him.
He puts his phone down, sits up, and rubs his eyes. They feel so heavy but sleep continues to evade him. He lies back down after lowering the volume on the TV. He briefly considers turning it off completely, but if Scar isn’t going to sleep beside him, then he needs some background noise.
Grian lays down again, burrowing deeper into his blankets. The longer he lays here, the more he yawns, and the more he can feel his frustration growing. He refuses to open his eyes, but he’s getting no closer to sleep as the night drags on.
When the episode of whatever cartoon he’d put on finishes, he knows he’s got no other choice. If he wants to get any sleep and do good tomorrow, he needs to talk to Scar.
He pulls his phone out again, not bothering to check the time. He clicks on his texts and hopes for the best.
Grian: scar are u awake
He waits two minutes, three, and he gets no response. Figures. Just as he’s contemplating running to the nearest convenience store for some Nyquil (terrible idea, he knows), his phone buzzes.
Scar💟: hey whats up?????
Grian hoped he didn’t wake anyone up.
Grian: i can’t sleep. do u wanna come over
Another two minutes pass, then five. Grian wants to cry. They’re in the same damn hotel for crying out loud! Next time, he’ll put up with Scar’s ridiculously early schedule. He’ll wake up whenever he needs to, he just never wants to feel like this again. He’s crawling to sleep and it gets further away, taunting him as he knows he’ll have to deal with his tiredness in the morning.
Then his phone buzzes, and he almost cries out of relief.
Scar💟: i’ll be right there!!
Scar💟: sorryyy joel was here and i was kicking him out
Knowing he wasn’t waking Scar up puts him at ease, but he does feel himself start tearing up. Now he feels more ridiculous. He tries to wipe his eyes, but Scar has always been able to see right through him. He throws himself against the mattress, stares at the ceiling through his teary, blurry vision, and waits for Scar’s eventual knock.
It comes when he’s shutting his eyes again. He forces his body to get up, using all his strength to push the heavy door, but Scar’s on the other side so it’s worth it.
Scar’s in sweats and a long-sleeved tee, but he looks so comfortable that Grian’s immediately jealous. He drags Scar inside before Scar can comment on his lifeless movements.
“Hey, just a warning, I need to be up by 7—”
Grian doesn’t let him finish, interrupting him with a loud yawn. Scar snaps to attention, and after letting out a small yawn himself, finally takes in how rugged Grian must look.
“Woah, what the hell happened? You don’t usually look this tired when we’re up this late.” At Scar’s sly smile, Grian lightly shoves him but misses all of his usual playfulness.
“I’ve slept about five hours this entire weekend and now I want nothing more than to be swallowed by the void if it means I get to sleep,” Grian says, climbing back into bed. He takes in Scar’s worried expression, burrowing himself into the mess of pillows and blankets.
He catches Scar glancing around the room, eyes landing on his empty disposable cup that held his tea. He pretends not to notice Scar taking a quick whiff, disguising it with a yawn. Yeah, he deserves that. It’s not like he has the greatest track record when it comes to this sort of thing.
“You’re having trouble? Why didn’t you say anything?” Scar questions, sinking next to him. He’s staring at him intently when Grian shrugs, laying back to look up at the light fixture.
Grian knows his reasons are going to sound silly once he says them out loud; every time he shuts his eyes, all he can see is all the different ways he can fuck up his championship. He couldn’t share that shame until he had Scar here ready to protect him from his own mind.
“It’s never happened before. For as messy as I can be, insomnia is like, the one thing that I’ve never dealt with,” Grian admits, voice just above a whisper because that’s all he can muster right now. “I’m… nervous.”
”You’re… nervous?” Scar sounds confused. He doesn’t understand, and Grian sighs. “The season hasn’t even started yet.”
“I got pole. I have momentum right now. I need to keep it going. I can’t… I can’t let what happened in the past two seasons happen again. All these things are running through my mind and now I can’t even fall asleep, so let’s hope I even make it to the track tomorrow.”
Scar smiles sadly at him, but not with pity. Grian values that. Gone are the days when Scar used to look at him like he felt bad. Scar feels him now. He shifts closer to Scar, and Scar opens his arms for him.
Grian breathes Scar in, sighing contently when there’s a soft press of lips against his forehead. Scar scoots away for only a second to grab the remote and turn the TV off. He dims the light on the lamp but doesn’t turn it off all the way.
Another yawn escapes him when Scar wraps him up again, and his eyes are so droopy they slip shut every time he blinks.
“I’m not going to say you don’t need to worry, because obviously you do,” Scar starts. Grian buries his nose into Scar’s chest, hiding his face. “You’re on pole and this is your chance to prove yourself, just as Joel did last season. But…”
There’s a pause, and Grian wonders if Scar’s somehow fallen asleep. He’s about to check when Scar must feel him shifting because his hand lands on the back of Grian’s head, keeping him in place. Grian settles, wondering if that was all the advice Scar had for him.
“But… I know you. And I love you, and all your friends love you, and that isn’t going to change no matter what happens tomorrow.”
Grian scowls. “Well, I know that.” He jabs a finger into Scar’s side at Scar’s disbelieving scoff. “I know that now . I love you too, but I want to be a champion.”
Scar pulls him in closer, and Grian closes his eyes. Maybe if he sits here like this for long enough, he’ll fall asleep. “I know you do. Nothing I say is going to take away your worries, so I just want to remind you I love you whenever I can.”
He bites his lip. It’s true. Whenever Scar (or anyone, really) tries to give him “advice”, it usually turns into him accusing them of being condescending. It’s top of the list for argument topics between him and Mumbo. As much as he loves his friend, the pressure that’s on Mumbo is much different than what weighs on Grian’s shoulders.
Different from Scar’s, too. It’s his second season in a three-year contract. Next season, the stakes will ramp up, and he’ll face a different challenge that Grian’s never faced: contract renewals. Sahara has no intention of ever letting him go so long as he wants to stay, but Scar has to show that he deserves a spot on the grid. Again!
Once they reach that point, Grian’s going to have no words of encouragement. He’ll be at the loss that Scar is at now with nothing to offer except his love and support.
It would be nice if it came with some melatonin, though.
“I wish it was easier,” Grian admits. It’s harder to get his words out, a sliver of hope unfurling in his chest. “Being a driver. Living this kind of life. Fighting to be a champion. I love it, but I wish it were kinder to me.”
His eyes shut. He sees his front wing clipping Pearl, feels his world whirling as he spins onto the grass, and watches the championship float away from him. He wants to open his eyes and reassure himself that he’s not actually back in Brazil losing the championship. Instead, he keeps them closed, moving with Scar when Scar shifts onto his back.
Grian rests his head against Scar’s chest, listening to the steady drum on his heart. It’s a much better sound than cartoons on TV. He feels like his eyes aren’t fighting against him anymore, too.
“I know,” Scar says, stroking a steady hand against his spine.
“It’s easier than last season,” Grian whispers, yawning. “A lot easier.”
His words are beginning to slur. He can tell by Scar’s chuckles, and he’s a lot more tired than he has been the past few days combined. He wonders if Scar would be mad at him if he stopped responding, and then he remembers who he’s talking to. This is Scar. He can barely get angry with him even when he really should.
“You know, I couldn’t sleep before practice last year.” Scar chuckles. Grian does not miss being the new, scared rookie whatsoever. He urges Scar on with a hum, words too tough to articulate. “I stayed up after my flight trying to adjust to the time zones and all, but when I tried to sleep, I just… couldn’t. I called my mom and she DoorDashed melatonin gummies to the hotel, but I got over it after that first night.”
Grian lets out another yawn. Scar keeps talking. “Then… I met a really cute guy at the club, but he barely looked my way. I went to sleep that night with him in mind, but he didn’t know I existed until a week later when he went out of his way to introduce himself.”
”Sounds like a real piece of work,” Grian mumbles, although his heart flutters at that.
“Oh, that doesn’t even begin to describe the problems he gave me!” If he were more awake, Grian would’ve swatted at his shoulder. Rather, he slugs his arms across Scar’s neck, holding him closer to inhale the scent of his shower gel. “He keeps me up all night, which usually I don’t mind, but…”
Grian laughs that time, but it comes out just as strangled as he thinks it does. Scar says something else, but he only catches bits and pieces as he begins dipping in and out of consciousness… “…I wouldn’t trade him for even a championship trophy, even if he’s totally beating me to it…”
In a couple of hours, he’s going to fight for his life on the track, and he could be the first winner of the season. He can beat Joel and Etho tomorrow, or he can hope it happens later in the season to become champion.
But these thoughts finally, finally, slip his mind, and he listens to Scar’s voice as he drifts into dreamland.