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The coffee was burning my tongue, but I continued to sip it, just trying to give my hands something to do. I was the first one to finish getting dressed, like always. I could hear Pony getting dressed in his room and Soda taking a shower. Neither of them ever knew how to get to places on time.
I sigh, looking at the pile of college acceptance letters and fliers still littered across the table.
I should throw those out, or burn them. They're useless to keep now. It’s not like college is in my prospects anymore.
I couldn’t stop myself from staring at them though, they were my future that could have been.
In a perfect universe I would have been planning what college I was going to go to, not my parent’s funeral.
I turn my back to the kitchen table, looking out the window instead. It was raining outside, the perfect dramatic funeral weather.
But I found myself wishing it was sunny instead, it matched who my parents were better. They were bright like the sun, glowing with love. So full of love they were willing to give it to anyone they needed.
I peered into the living room, four somber boys sitting on the couch together, their thoughts louder than anything that could have ever come out of their mouths. None of the clothes they owned were particularly funeral appropriate, but they cleaned up pretty nice.
My mother and father saw 4 boys in desperate need of some love that they were all too willing to give, where many would have seen delinquents.
But now they were gone. About to be buried six feet under.
My eyes felt tired, the lack of sleep finally getting to me. None of us could sleep. I could hear Soda and Pony’s muffled sobs until the early morning, their bloodshot eyes as they walked into the kitchen for breakfast the next morning.
I could hear the sniffling coming from Johnny, Steve and Two-Bit in the middle of the night, hell even Dally. They’d all been sleeping in our living room since they had heard the news.
I couldn’t sleep, Mom and Dad’s mangled, burnt and bruised bodies were plastered to the inside of my eyelids. They were all I saw when I shut my eyes.
I felt the responsibility of the world on my shoulders, slowly crippling me, the weight digging into my shoulder blades. But I couldn’t fall. I couldn’t buckle. I wouldn’t crumble. I couldn’t risk losing Pony and Soda as well. Not now. Not ever. I’d do anything to prevent it. I’d already lost enough. I couldn’t lose anymore.
Even before everything, I’d always felt a sense of responsibility to keep the others safe. I was the oldest afterall. I was always there when Pony fell and scraped up his knees trying to walk, or when Steve broke a tooth trying to do a handstand. But when I was the one to fall, Mom and Dad were always there to pick me up off the ground and dust me off. Now what?
I leaned against the sink, letting my eyes flutter shut just for a moment.
“Darry, you should have come and got me.” My father said gently, wiping a scrape on my knee as I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to cry. I was the oldest, the biggest, the toughest, what would the others think if they saw me crying?
Steve and Soda had gotten stuck in a tree they were trying to climb. I climbed up, getting them both back down safely but when I tried to get down I fell straight outta the tree.
“Honey, it’s okay to cry.” My father was watching me, his smile soft, his eyes radiating warmth that mine never had. Dad had the same talent Soda did (or maybe Soda got it from him?) where he was able to know what you were thinking or feeling, no matter how tough you were trying to act.
“I know you’re the oldest, but baby that don’t mean you can’t cry. You’re just a boy, Darry, boys cry. Even real tough ones like you, who try to save little boys from trees like Superman.”
I gave him a watery smile, melting into his hug. He kissed the top of my head, pulling me closer.
“You’re still my little boy, there's no reason to need to grow up so fast. You have so much time baby. Don’t worry about the others. They aren’t your responsibility, okay, baby? I know you love to help them, superman, but you ain’t got to always do it.”
“You don’t understand, Dad. “ I cried softly into my father’s chest, ‘’Dally was calling me a wimp because I wanted to come get you. He said it didn’t matter if I was the oldest if I was the wimpiest.”
“Shhh, it’s okay, baby.The others don’t understand what the right thing to do is yet. That don’t mean you have to carry everything on your shoulders, alright? You’re still a boy, baby, you are no man yet. I love you, savvy?.” He held me close as my tears slowly stopped. My father always had a way of comforting people.
“Savvy.” I mumbled, burying my head into his chest, his arms tightening around me.
I felt dizzy, my head spinning as I watched Soda and Pony slowly shuffle out of their bedroom, eyes red and skin pale, dark eyebags evident.
I took one last glance at the college pamphlets on the table, before picking them up and putting them in the bin. I had no more time to dwell on the past, I just had to keep going, keep working, keep living.
If not me, then for Ponyboy and Sodapop.