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Buck stares at the wall, leaning back against the seat of the couch. The house is fully unboxed, and he even did a fair amount of shopping to finally personalize the space. It’s better than the loft, different, and Buck desperately wants to build some good memories here.
The house doesn’t feel like Eddie’s anymore. It’s his, with his colorful throws, and a fuzzy rug, little knickknacks here and there. It allows Buck to relax and he breathes out, the events of the last few days catching up with him.
Tommy was here, what feels like seconds ago, gorgeous and bright in the morning light, with breakfast ready, waiting for Buck to wake up. Tommy was here, and then he was gone, because if there’s anything the man does well, it’s run. Immediately, Buck winces at the mean thoughts, but he can’t help himself.
“And I’ll have to be the one to reach out again,” he says to no one in particular. “What a mess…”
Suddenly, Buck is desperate for a dog. An animal would fit the space nicely, bring some life, make Buck smile. Maddie told him to learn how to be alone, but Buck knows how to be alone, probably better than anyone in his life. He knows how to be alone, and he hates it. He hates not having anyone to lean on, being left alone, to fend for himself. Oh, he knows how to do it - Buck is nothing if not competent when it comes to surviving, but he’s tired of just surviving.
He was ready to build something with Tommy. It turned out Tommy didn’t see it that way, which…hurt. But it’s Tommy’s right.
Or that’s what Buck thought before the morning after, before the softness and warmth in Tommy’s eyes. He feels like he’s going insane, and no one sees it.
“Well, no time like the present.” Buck surprises even himself with the words, but he decides to go with the flow, and gets up from the couch.
It’s not that late, and the drive to Tommy’s place isn’t long, so he doesn’t even check if the man’s there. If he’s not, then Buck will try again, but he can’t sit around doing anything anymore. Not with all the unspoken mess between them, not with the goddamn champagne bottle chilling in his fridge, not with the breakfast…
Tommy opens the door almost immediately, and Buck’s left momentarily breathless. Because even tired and messy, barely better than in that bar, Tommy is gorgeous. He just stands there, like an idiot, and they stare at each other for a long moment.
“Evan.” Buck’s knees weaken and he has to lean against the door to stay standing, because Tommy said his name. There’s no ‘Buck’, no fake distance. This is as much as Tommy can give now, and Buck’s about to grab it with both hands.
“Can-can I come in?” His voice wavers only a bit.
The other man steps aside without a word, and Buck walks in. The space isn't familiar, as he’s only been here a few times, but it’s so Tommy that he’s immediately at ease. Tommy is just watching him, but Buck can tell he’s nervous - he’s rubbing his palms together, shifting from one leg to the other. Tommy can say what he wants, but Buck knows him, probably better than the man wants him to.
There’s only a question of whether it is enough.
“I’m sorry for dropping by unannounced, but I couldn’t- I can’t drag this out anymore,” he says eventually. Tommy tenses momentarily, but Buck doesn’t let it deter him. “You can’t leave this time.”
Tommy startles. “What?”
“You always leave.” The words come out soft and pained, showing more of his soft underbelly than Buck intended, but this is Tommy. He wants to build something with Tommy, but he can’t, not unless they talk. “You can’t do it this time. I don’t- I can’t do it again, Tommy.”
The other man swallows, shoulders tense and jaw clenched, but Buck stands his ground. He desperately wants this to work, Tommy needs to want this too.
“Okay.” Buck exhales as some tension evaporates from his body. “Do you want something to drink?”
“Water, please.”
“Go sit down, I’ll be right back.” At Buck’s glance, he smiles sheepishly. “I won’t run from my own house, Evan.”
“That remains to be seen,” he mutters under his nose, but obediently goes to sit on the couch. It’s comfortable, worn-down and soft, and Buck wants to sink into it, but he’s too stressed. He wants to pace around, pick at his nails, start talking, do something.
Tommy appears not long after, and yet another weight falls from Buck’s shoulders, one he didn’t realise was there. Tommy didn’t run, he’s still here, with two glasses of water and a nervous smile.
“Thanks,” Buck whispers. “I-”
“Let me talk?” Tommy interrupts, voice shaky. “I don’t think… I need to say some things.”
Buck looks at him for a second, almost trembling with all the words itching to burst out of him, but finally nods. He’s not here to just say his piece and leave. He still wants to build something with Tommy.
“Evan… I am so very sorry.” The words hit him right in the chest and Buck’s breathing catches. He didn’t realise how much he needed to hear it until the words sounded out. “This is a whole mess, but our breakup… That wasn’t right of me. I’m so sorry for doing that.”
“For doing what?” Buck asks hoarsely. At Tommy’s furrowed brows he rolls his eyes, desperately trying not to be mean, but so overwhelmed with emotions it’s hard to think. “What did you do that evening?”
“I broke up with you,” the other man repeats.
“You broke my heart, Tommy,” he says slowly. Tommy jolts in place, but Buck soldiers on, aware that if he doesn’t say it now, he’ll probably never say it. “It was my mistake that I never told you, and I jumped ahead, but I was… I love you. I wanted to build a life with you because I saw a-a future with you, and I did it wrong, but- But I really wanted more. We didn’t just break up, you broke my heart to protect yours.”
Buck swallows and glances up at Tommy, taking in the shock and guilt on his face. It doesn’t dim the fire in his heart, doesn’t erase all the hurt and pain and heartbreak, but it’s…good to see. It means Tommy cares.
He’s not sure when he became someone this cruel.
“I didn’t- I know I didn’t handle that morning well, and I’m sorry, but I…” Buck takes a deep breath and decides to go for it. He needs to be brave, and possibly hurt Tommy, but he’s sick and tired of keeping everything inside, of always putting others first. “I wanted to hurt you a bit, I think. The way you hurt me. I’m not like, proud of it, or anything, or-or, want to do it again, but I wanted it then. You… Uh, you blindsided me with that comment about Eddie.”
Tommy breathes out slowly, blinking as if trying to comprehend something. “It was something that worried me.”
“I know,” Buck replies. “You should’ve told me earlier, or literally any other time. Not then.”
The other man chuckles softly, but the sound is devoid of joy. “It wasn’t the best timing,” he admits. “I think you blindsided me too.”
Buck leans back against the couch and thinks about how he got here. Not even an hour ago he was staring at the wall in his new house, and now he’s with Tommy. He doesn’t know what to do.
“What do you even want from me, Tommy?” He turns his head to look at the other man, taking in his tense shoulders and fidgety hands, and he’s suddenly calm. No, not calm. Buck is exhausted, and he doesn’t know how much more he has in him. He leans his head back and closes his eyes. “From us.”
“Everything.” Buck gasps and whips his head around sharply to look at Tommy again. The other man takes a deep breath and shifts in place to grab Buck’s hands. He lets it happen, a part of him jumping in joy at getting to touch Tommy again, feel his huge, safe, warm hands. “I love you, Evan. I knew that when I broke up with you, and I got scared.”
“Are you still scared?”
“Terribly,” Tommy admits easily, looking like half of the weight from his shoulders is gone. “But you’re worth it.”
Buck licks his lips, heart hammering in his chest. Tommy looks vulnerable and soft, and yes, there’s fear in his eyes but he’s not moving from his spot. Buck realises that he is also scared - of Tommy running, of being left behind again, of getting his heart broken.
“Can you promise me to stay next time?” he asks, hope unfurling in his chest.
“Next time what?”
Buck shrugs. “Anything. Next time you get the urge to run. I don’t need everything, I just want you to stay, Tommy. Let me love you.”
Tommy takes a deep breath and glances away. Buck’s heart sinks, but then the other man looks him straight in the eyes, those gorgeous eyes serious and a bit desperate.
“I’ll stay,” he promises, sounding as if every word hurts. “I’ll get scared, but I promise I won’t run anymore. I’ll do my best.”
“Your best is good enough,” Buck says quietly. “We can work it all out, how to stop hurting each other every time we talk, but I want to try.”
“I want to try too, Evan. I love you.”
He nods and closes his eyes, a bit overwhelmed. It’s everything he’s wanted to feel, but it’s too much, and Buck goes easily when Tommy pulls him into his arms, wrapping his own around his waist, lips pressed against Tommy’s neck.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” Tommy whispers.
“I’m sorry too.” He burrows deeper into the other man and allows himself to relax finally. It’s not all fixed, and they have so much to talk about, but now that Buck knows Tommy won’t run, it feels easier. “I’ll try to think things through before I speak.”
Tommy laughs, brushing a kiss over his temple. “How about we both just try and see where it goes?”
“Deal.” Buck already knows, but he doesn’t want to spook Tommy again, not after finally getting him. “I love you, Tommy.”
When they kiss, it tastes like the future and regrets, and Buck knows he’ll try his damnest to make sure this lasts. Nothing changed in those last 6 months - he wants a future with Tommy, and he’s desperate to make sure it happens.