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Ever since the beginning of high school, Jay and Jake had always been close. Until now, actually. Despite being third year college students taking up different courses, they still find a way to hang out and make time for each other.
If you would ask their circle of friends and acquaintances about their closeness, they probably wouldn’t bat an eye and would only tell you, parang magkapatid na ‘yan sila.
And for years, Jake knew that; had accepted the fact that people see them as best friends or as brothers. Pero bakit? Bakit sa tuwing hinahawakan ni Jay ang kanyang kamay tila nakukuryente siya? Bakit sa tuwing may nag-aakalang mag jowa sila, gumagaan ang pakiramdam niya kapag ngumingiti lang si Jay? At bakit bigla na lang bumibilis tibok ng puso niya kapag nandyan siya?
“Kasi bakla ka.” Sunghoon tells him bluntly, picking up another pair of sunglasses to try on.
Jake scoffs. “Tangina? As far as I know, I’m straight.”
His blockmate shrugs nonchalantly. “Okay, sabi mo eh.”
“Totoo nga kasi!” Jake stomps his feet like a whining child. “May online quiz na sinend sa akin si Sunny, yung Are you straight or queer? tapos alam mo anong nakuha ko? Straight. Hundred percent.”
“Naniwala ka naman sa taong araw-araw pabago-bago ang MBTI.” The black frame fits perfectly against Sunghoon’s alabaster skin. Beneath the dark lens, Jake knows that the latter is staring at him through the mirror. “Kausapin mo nalang kaya si Jay.”
“And give him the wrong idea?” Jake grimaces, already imagining the look on his best friend’s face if he’d confront him about the unease in the pit of his stomach whenever there’s an intentional physical contact between them.
“Dalawang options lang ‘yan, Jake.” Sunghoon removes the sunglasses and puts them back on the shelf before standing up straight and looking at his friend. “Either you continue being around him with discomfort or you tell him what’s bothering you. Anong point ng pagiging mag best friends niyo if ‘di mo masabi mga problema mo?”
Jake already has a fair share of stupid decisions in his life, and choosing to ignore his own feelings is one of them.
Jay has considered Jake’s house as his second home with the amount of times he’s visited and stayed over. Jake’s family doesn’t get surprised anymore when they see him walking around the kitchen or lounging on the garden’s chair. If they see his shadow lurking or hear his voice in passing, the dining table set for four would immediately be added by one.
Currently, with Jake’s parents away for a college reunion and Jake’s brother working late at his office, they decided to watch movies in the living room. Darkness begins to loom the entire area with the lights switched off and curtains completely shut, and the only source of light is coming from the television.
“Dune: Part Two, please.” Jay comes back from the kitchen carrying two canned sodas and a plate with four slices of pizza. He places it carefully on the table and Jake moves on the couch to make space for his best friend. “Hindi ko pa napapanood ‘yan.”
“Almost three hours siya, Jeng, hindi kaya ng attention span ko ‘yan.” Jake complains, but Jay only rolls his eyes in response before grabbing the remote and pressing the play button. The younger guy groans loudly, letting his entire body collapse on the couch as if the idea of watching a long movie is pressing him down.
But as minutes passed by, the movie finally piqued his interest and his entire focus was on the television screen. He fails to notice the fingers that gently tug the hem of his shirt until those same fingers begin wrapping around his wrist.
“Huh?” Jake’s gaze flickers on his hand, and then to Jay, who is staring at him in confusion.
“Ang layo mo.” Jay says, brows furrowed. He pulls him close until they’re sitting side by side. Until Jake could feel Jay’s warmth seeping into his skin. “Dito ka sa ‘kin.”
Something lurches inside Jake that makes his breath hitch in surprise.
Jay doesn’t remove his hand on Jake’s wrist, and his hold feels heavy, purposely. Hindi ko maintindihan, Jake thinks. Of all the years he’s known Jay, his best friend was never fond of physical touch. Maybe a sudden hug when he’s brimming with joy or a pull of Jake’s hand to keep him away from danger. But never like this. Never with intent.
Still. Jay has held him in his arms when they were young; has glued himself closer to Jake whenever they’re together. So this, whatever this is, shouldn’t be astounding. But there’s an incessant pounding in his heart and a nagging voice in the back of his head which tells him that this isn’t normal anymore.
And it’s equal parts new and terrifying.
Yet, Jake pushes the thought away before it could settle.
“Nanonood ka pa ba?” Jay mumbles, putting his entire weight on Jake’s side so that he can rest his body. Jake only hums noncommittally, unable to trust his voice. “Kwento mo na lang sa akin mamaya, idlip lang ako saglit.”
“Inamo, Jeng.” Jake shrugs him off his shoulder, but Jay doesn’t even budge. “Sa kwarto ka matulog, ginawa mo pa akong unan.”
“Shh,” Jay quiets him down, nuzzling his cheek on Jake’s arm. “Mas gusto ko dito.”
“Bakla ka na nga, emotionally repressed ka pa. Sobrang redundant.” Sunoo huffs, watching Jake lose his mind over his best friend. Riki snickers beside him, tapping furiously on his phone screen but his ears are focused on eavesdropping their entire conversation.
“Hindi nga ako bakla.” Jake argues as he pulls out his hair in frustration when Sunoo stares at him with a stoic expression. “Naninibago lang talaga ako sa inaasal ni Jeng.”
“Ganyan naman kayo dati pa, diba? So, anong pinagkaiba ngayon?” Riki glances up from his phone, a glint of mischief passing through his eyes. “Unless…you’re putting malice sa ginagawa niya sa ‘yo?”
“Ha!” Sunoo yelps, pointing a finger at Jake as if he figured something out. “I knew it!”
“Salot talaga ‘tong mag jowa na ‘to.” Jake murmurs to himself, deciding to ignore their accusations. The table goes silent for a while and it opens an opportunity for Jake’s thoughts to fester in his head.
Hindi naman siguro ako nasisiraan ng bait, diba? Jake muses as he blankly stares at a speck of dust on the cafeteria’s floor. He knows himself—it’s one of the things he’s actually proud of. And yet, when there was a sudden shift in the way Jay talks to him and touches him, the stark difference between his reactions before versus now, Jake somehow lost sense of who he is. Putangina. Nababaliw na nga siguro ako.
There’s nothing wrong with being gay; he genuinely respects the community, but Jake grew up knowing what and who his preferences are, and he stuck with it. Grasping sudden changes is something that he struggles with, especially if it involves something deeply rooted in him.
There is too much at risk with his problem: the friendship, his own self, and his best friend.
Most definitely, Jay.
He could probably salvage a bit of their friendship if worse comes to worst. But losing Jay who has been a constant figure in his life, it’s a different kind of pain. It’s the kind of change that Jake knows would be irreversible if he decides to take the leap.
“Kung anu-ano na naman ‘tong pinopost nila sa freedom wall.” Sunoo has a frown on his lips as he scrolls down to their school’s freedom wall Facebook page.
Walang nakakaalam kung sino ang nagpapatakbo ng page, pero naging tambayan na siya ng mga estudyante para maglabas ng kanilang sama ng loob, magpakalat ng tsismis, at higit sa lahat magbahagi ng love confessions at love or life advices na tila patok sa lahat.
“Sus, parang ‘di ka rin nagsend diyan nung Intramurals ng ‘Nishimura tumira ng tres, sakses! 2gether4ever by Sun’” Reklamo ni Riki at halos hindi makahinga si Jake sa kakatawa dahil alam niyang kayang gawin ng kaibigan niya ‘yon.
“Nakakainis nga kasi hindi naman pinost ng admin.” Sunoo rolls his eyes and it earns a relieved sigh from Riki.
“Buti naman.”
Just then, an idea pops inside Jake’s head. He could send an anonymous confession about his problem and seek advice. It’s not actually the perfect avenue to share something so personal, but he wants to receive opinions from people without any biases and he’s really desperate to solve his problem.
Without bidding his friends a proper goodbye, Jake rushes out of the cafeteria and stumbles inside the male’s restroom which luckily has a vacant cubicle at the far end. Pulling out his phone from his pocket, he opens his Facebook application to message the freedom wall’s group page.
Jake’s freedom wall confession goes viral within their school like an inside joke that everyone laughs about. But Jake couldn’t even crack a smile, not when Jay seems out of the loop with the current talk of the town. And if he’d ever find out the post is about him, Jake knows Jay would immediately figure everything out.
“Bakit biglang naging buzz word yung palpitations? Am I missing something?” Jay suddenly sits in front of Jake at the library with a frustrated look on his face. “Wala rin akong makuhang maayos na sagot kay Heeseung at Sunghoon.”
Kasi sinabi kong ‘wag na ipaalam sa ‘yo. “Hayaan mo na, Jeng. Ignorance is bliss, diba? Ituloy mo lang social media detox mo.”
“It’s hard not to think about it kung lagi siyang topic sa room, kahit ibang professors namin alam din kung ano yung context.” Jay doesn’t realize it but there’s a pout forming on his lips, and it takes everything in Jake not to pinch his cheek.
Tangina, bakit ko naman gagawin ‘yon?
The conversation ends when Jake doesn’t respond to Jay’s rants, afraid he might admit something he will surely regret in the future. Pero alam niyang kukulitin pa rin siya ng kaibigan niya kahit magpanggap siyang may ginagawa, kaya naisipan niyang umidlip nalang muna dahil may dalawang oras pa naman bago magsimula ang susunod niyang klase. Using his bag as a pillow, Jake slowly drifts off to sleep on the desk.
When he wakes up after a few minutes though, it isn’t because Jay had intentionally woken him up or the sudden intensity of noise inside the library. Jake feels it first more than he sees it—a brush of fingertip against the palm of his outstretched arm. The touch is barely there, light and almost unnoticeable, so the younger guy assumes that it must have been a fluke.
But then, Jay begins to trace patterns on his skin; unrecognizable yet deliberate. It’s when Jake realizes this is not an accident—Jay is intentionally caressing his palm as if he is the only one worth holding on to. And Jake should pull his hand away and pretend to wake up from his quick nap, however he doesn’t do any of that.
How could he? When Jay had gently slipped his fingers through Jake’s hands and intertwined their fingers together. This has never happened before or maybe it did when Jake was completely passed out, but to be the receiving end of Jay’s tenderness which happens rarely to Jake, feels like a warm hug on a cold day.
“Kuya Jay?” An unfamiliar voice cuts through the moment. “Nakita mo na ba yung updates about sa program flow na sinend ko sa email mo?”
“Oo, nakita ko na, Won. Inform ko lang din mga kabanda ko mamaya, hindi pa ako makaalis eh.” Despite hiding his face, Jake feels both of their gazes locked on him.
“Sino ‘yan, Kuya?”
“Kilala mo naman si Jake, diba? Best friend ko.”
The label Jake always hears from Jay when introducing him to other people is something that he had also said countless times in return. So, it should not be surprising anymore and it certainly should not make his heart twist like a tightrope. Because why would it matter now? Why would there be a dull ache in his heart when he knows that’s all Jay sees and considers him. When that’s all he’ll ever be? When that’s all they’ll ever be? Best friends.
“Jake? Best friend?” There’s a sudden keenness at the way this guy mentions Jake’s name.
It seems like Jay had also noticed the shift in his voice because he asks, “bakit?”
“Huh? Ah, wala naman.” The guy quickly answers, so Jay decides not to push. “Una na ako, Kuya Jay. Kita nalang tayo bukas.”
“Okay. Bye, Won!”
When Jake could no longer hear the stranger’s voice and footsteps, he quickly sat up straight with an inquisitive gaze at his best friend. “Sino ‘yon?”
Jay gives him an amused grin. “Kanina ka pa gising?” Jake sheepishly smiles at him as he nods. Then the latter stands up, waiting by Jake’s side. “Mamaya pa naman next class mo, tara kain muna tayo ng kwek-kwek.”
Jake throws him a confused glance. “Yung itlog lang naman kinakain mo, Jeng. Bili nalang tayo ng nilagang itlog.”
The older guy rolls his eyes. “Ibibigay ko naman sa ‘yo yung balat ng kwek-kwek.”
“Ano ‘yan fried chicken?” Jake hisses as he stands up as well, starting to walk towards the exit. “Kumain nalang tayo sa cafeteria.”
Jay sighs, shoulders hunched like he’s defeated. “Okay.”
“Kainis naman ‘to.” The younger guy’s resolve eventually crumbles down, giving in to Jay’s suggestion. “Sige na nga, pero kakain pa rin tayo sa cafeteria. Hindi ako mabubusog sa kwek-kwek lang, Jeng.”
A wide smile blooms on Jay’s lips that probably strains his cheeks, but it looks so genuine and so free that Jake wants to see it more often. And deep down, Jake knows this is just the beginning of what it feels like standing on the edge of something delicately profounding.
Two weeks later, Jake hasn’t heard from Jay.
He waited—for a text, a call, or even an unannounced visit, but none of them came. He sought Jay in the days he was gone, but he couldn’t reach him, couldn’t even find traces of his shadow everywhere. It was as if he completely vanished.
And that scared Jake more than he’d like to admit.
Dahil ba nalaman niyang naguguluhan na si Jake sa nararamdaman niya? Naiilang ba siya kasi alam niyang may posibilidad na gusto siya ni Jake? Iniiwasan niya ba si Jake dahil hindi niya na alam paano ito kakausapin at marahang tatanggihan? Eto na ba ang hangganan sa pagkakaibigan nila?
“Ba’t mas groundbreaking pa yung pag-amin mo na gusto mo si Jay kesa sa pagiging bading mo?” Heeseung asks when Jake had gone to him for help.
Jake rolls his eyes at that. “Halos ‘yan bukambibig niyo sa akin, hindi na tuloy nakakagulat.”
Heeseung has a cheeky smile that Jake notices, a bit teasing and playful. “Pero si Jay, huh? Who would’ve thought?”
Jake shrugs, downplaying his feelings because it’s honestly the least of his concerns right now. He needs to find his best friend (if Jake still has the privilege to call him that), and talk to him. “It was bound to happen, Hee.”
Just then, Heeseung heaves a sigh so heavy Jake watches him in concern. “Magpeperform sila sa school festival bukas, diba?” When Jake nods, Heeseung grips his shoulder tightly. “Alam ko saan sila tatambay niyan pero sana naman ‘pag magkita na kayo ni Jay, titigil ka na sa kakatakbo palayo, Jake.”
Jake feels so small with how intense Heeseung’s gaze is on him. “Natatakot ako, Hee.”
Heeseung’s eyes soften, like he knows something that Jake doesn’t. Like he understands. “Better do it scared than do nothing at all.”
Putangina. Jake isn’t sure if he should be happy that Jay finally responded to his message or if he should be wary with how cold and distant Jay seems to be. Ang lapit ko na nga sa ‘yo pero parang ang layo mo na.
Jake is standing outside the closed room where Jay and his bandmates are currently staying. He’s been waiting for a few minutes now because he doesn’t know how to talk to his best friend anymore. Anxiety is eating him alive, his fingers are hovering his phone’s keyboard but he couldn’t type out the words, nasa labas ako. pwede ba tayong mag usap? He’s scared. Immensely scared that he’s beginning to lose his best friend and it’s happening right in front of him.
“Jake? Kanina ka pa ba diyan?” Kai, one of Jay’s bandmates, comes out of the room. Jake couldn’t speak, there is something lodged in his throat that he can’t push away. “Si Jay ba hanap mo? Nasa loob siya, nagpapractice mag-isa. Teka, tatawagin ko lang.”
Kai goes back inside and Jake hears some words being exchanged, but everything seems to blur and blend like a white static noise.
“Jake? Jake!” Snapping out of his trance, Jake sees Jay in front of him with a worried look on his face. “Ayos ka lang ba?”
Jake nods stiffly and because he’s still so out of it, he asks, “galit ka ba sa akin?”
Jay freezes. “Huh?”
“Kasi panay yung iwas mo sa akin.” Jake sighs heavily, like the truth was too much for him to carry. “And please, ‘wag mo na itanggi kasi kilala na kita, Jeng.”
“I wasn’t going to deny it, Jake. Pero, hindi naman ako galit sa ‘yo.” He says the words so gently it catches the younger guy off-guard.
“Kung hindi ka galit, ba’t iniiwasan mo ‘ko?”
“Isn’t this,” he points at the space between them before he glances up at him. “Starting to get weird?”
Jake feels his heart drop. “Huh?”
“Sabi mo sa post mo, diba?” Jay’s tone isn’t accusatory, but it still feels like Jake has been exposed. “Umiwas ako kasi I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable with me any longer. I’m sorry. I just…”
There’s a pause. Hesitation creeps into Jay’s body, but he wants Jake to understand as well. Wants to tell him what he’s been hiding for years because Jay isn’t sure what to do with all these unsaid words.
“Gusto kita.” Two simple words but it’s strong enough to punch Jake straight to his guts. “Matagal na. Kaso hindi ko alam paano sasabihin sa ‘yo, kaya naisip ko, ba’t ‘di ko na lang ipakita? But I think I made the wrong choice, no?”
Jake, for once, is at a loss for words. All he could do is stand in shock, letting the words sink in because this doesn’t seem real. Because this isn’t what Jake had initially thought of how their confrontation would turn out.
“Jay, tayo na susunod na magpeperform! Tara na!” Beomgyu, their oldest bandmate, interrupts their conversation. He grabs his wrist to drag him to the stage where some crew are fixing the equipment.
“I’ll talk to you later.”
But Jake is certain Jay’s later would somehow also become never.
Pagpatak ng alas siete, agad na tumugtog ang banda ni Jay sa entablado. Hindi siya nakatayo sa gitna bilang isang bokalista, pero sa kanya lang nakatuon lahat ng atensyon ni Jake kahit pa nasa gilid lang ito at naggigitara.
Jake had always admired Jay for being a great performer and an artist ever since they were young, and he might have rarely told him that, but the younger guy hopes that Jay could feel it through his unwavering support and constant presence at every gig and events he attends.
But for now, Jake cannot focus. The band is playing popular OPM songs and the crowd is singing along, but Jake is so lost in his thoughts, drifting back to Jay’s sudden confession that had him wondering, kailan kaya nagsimula? Paano niya nakayanang magkagusto sa matalik niyang kaibigan na wala namang kasiguraduhan na magugustuhan siya pabalik?
When the second song fades to an end, the crowd chants isa pa! isa pa! and suddenly Jay is walking up to the center of the stage, holding on to the microphone to talk to the audience.
“Hello, everyone!” He greets with evident enthusiasm. The crowd goes wild and even from afar, Jake could see the flicker of satisfaction passing through Jay’s face. “For our last song, baka hindi kayo pamilyar dito kasi it’s an original song written by yours truly.”
“Sinulat ko ‘tong kantang ‘to para sa mga tao na kahit hindi nila siguradong magugustuhan o mamahalin man sila pabalik, kahit hindi tiyak kung ano ang nakalaan para sa kanya at sa kanila, siya’y mananatili pa rin.” Then Jay’s gaze wanders across the crowd, searching for a pair of familiar eyes.
Until it lands on Jake.
“Ako’y mananatili pa rin sa ‘yo.”
The beat drops and Jay begins to sing. And the entire time, he’s only staring at Jake, singing the song as if it’s about the two of them. As if it’s only meant for him.
‘Wag mo nang pigilan pa
Mga mata'y 'di nakatingin sa iba, kaya
Mananatili sa iyong tabi magdamag
Ating paligid, hindi na natin napapansin
Gabi ay atin, kasabay ng puso at tugtugan
Pag-indak ng ating katawan
Mananatili, hindi tiyak ang bukas natin
Ngunit itong gabi ay atin
Jake wants to look away because it’s suddenly too much for him to bear. It’s all out in the open now, Jay likes him and Jake does too, yet he hasn’t admitted that out loud. But he wants to. Despite not knowing how to go back from this, Jake isn’t sure if he wants to, anyway.
After all, this is Jay.
His best friend who liked him long before Jake could even understand what liking someone really means. Jay, who was clearly willing to wait for Jake and put his comfort first before anything else. This is Jay, Jake’s best friend, and it dawns to him how much he genuinely likes him as well.
And it doesn't come off as a jarring revelation because having feelings for Jay is inevitable and easy. Like it was supposed to happen one way or another, no matter how far Jake runs away from it and no matter where he hides.
Nabihag ng iyong tingin, liwanag sa dilim
Lahat ng ilaw ay nakatutok
Sa 'yo lang tumibok
Nang ganito ang puso ko, hindi na lalayo sa 'yo
The song continues to play, continues to wrap its meaning around Jake’s heart and mind for him to understand, and continues to tell him that this risk is going to be worth taking.
Jake realizes that this doesn’t have to ruin their friendship. They can just use it as a foundation if they’re willing to take it to the next step. Besides, it might even help them become better partners with all the years they’ve known each other, and the upcoming years where they’ll discover more things about one another that they’ll grow to adore and love.
When the song comes to an end, the tension between the two of them doesn’t falter. Rushing out of the thick and roaring crowd was harder than Jake thought. He needs to find him, to admit the words that've been bottling up inside him. He needs to tell—
“Jay!” Jake screams amidst the loud audience. The band is coming down from the stage one by one and the younger guy manages to catch his best friend before he hides himself inside their room.
“Jake? Ano—” Jay didn’t get to finish his question when Jake ran towards him, engulfing him in a tight embrace.
“You didn’t make the wrong choice.” Jake chokes out, pulling Jay closer to him as if their souls could merge into one. “I’m sorry. Jeng. Hindi ko alam nung mga panahon na ‘yon, nagugustuhan na pala kita. Akala ko nasisiraan na ako ng bait kasi binigyan ko na ng malisya yung mga ginagawa mo para sa akin kahit wala naman talaga.”
“May malisya ‘yon para sa akin.” Jay jokes and Jake pinches his waist. “Aray!”
“Mamaya na joke time, Jeng.” Jake warns him. “Kaya ko lang naman naisipan mag post sa freedom wall kasi hindi ko na alam paano maging kaibigan mo, Jeng. How can I ever settle being your best friend when I like you more than a friend should? I’m sorry.”
“You can still be my best friend and my boyfriend, Jake. Those two can co-exist in one person.” Jay pulls Jake away from the hug to look him in the eyes. “And I want it to be you. Always.”
Jake grins, eyes glimmering with unshed tears of happiness. “Boyfriend?”
“Only if you want to.” Jay still seems to be nervous, but Jake doesn’t have to think twice before pulling his face closer and sealing their lips together. The older guy melts into the kiss like this is something he’s been waiting for so long. Like it’s the assurance he needed.
They don’t let the kiss last long because they’re in the school premises, but they both know they can still do it when no one is watching because they’re together now.
And it’s surreal and still terrifying, but it’s something that they both want—staying in each other’s lives as best friends and as lovers.
