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He is right there.
Barely a tail lengths away in the darkness, if I let my hand droop, glide, drop from the bedside corner I would be but a breath away then.
A formless demon stops me, advises me to only hear and perceive, and then goading me as it has done for countless nights for my inaction. Tonight, it is deafening, drowning me out, knocking on my heart and casting fog in my thoughts - it had been countless nights, yes, but I could count on a single hand to the people it had affected when I did act.
Fewer still of the people who knew how it affected me.
…
I am not the only one haunted by night time troubles.
Arvo had moved left to right, staring one way to another and then back to the ceiling again. It had been the turn of the pillow where I had thought he had finally found a spot of comfort, but it was seemingly not cool enough: his breathing had not slowed in the moments after.
“Are you asleep?”
The words were effortless, the whisper of it escaping me like that it seemed almost a question for the air. I was putting a front of making sure of his well being and yet, right now, I wanted nothing to do with this, knowing exactly what part of me was talking. It would only take silence and I would go back, hide in the moonlight, willing myself to sleep…
“No. You?”
I turn myself, the reply casting a line to me and drawing my eye line.
Moonlight had spilled from Jorgen’s bed and had cut a long illuminated shadow, just stopping over the edge of his bed. Arvo is staring back at me, those pained and dull emerald eyes cutting deeper by the passing moment, seeing beyond the veils of darkness.
I sighed in disappointment as i averted my gaze, it was wrong to hope that he would be asleep so easily, wrong to think that my past self wouldn’t have made an impact on him - it had happened so quickly in the shower, innocent and pure, a cuddle as the water fell, and I could not stop it then. Didn’t want to stop it then.
And, I can't stop it now. Won’t stop it now. I’m caught, again, the anchor moored once more, and I have too much heart in this to know I can't drag it back up until the chain snaps. Yet, despite all the people that I've harboured in over the years, I am content enough for Arvo to do so. Strange isn’t it.
My paw slips over the edge, the soft corner dragging my fur across to where I can feel every inch of distance. I don’t know how far i get before i become uncertain, the air feeling cold-
Contact.
A finger at first to hook around mine. Then, two more, and then the entire paw encompassed my own. It was a cautious thing, the hesitance palpable in the raised hairs from the both of us.
A moment passes…I tug once. Then again. Hoping for once that this feeling won’t lead me astray.
Arvo’s hand grows slack. It lets go.
Yet, despite my worst fears, I see a nod. I flash a smile to him; I am thankful, more than I can convey in a lifetime. I move aside to make the little space there is on the single bed, my own shuffling in small increments, a giddiness spreading not too unlike wildfire from head to paw.
…
He is right there. A breath away. Truly a breath away. Underneath the smell of the light freshness of unbranded shampoo was a constant of undusted film and gentle woodland adventure. I can’t help but stare, the little light available be damned, at the face my mind was coveting.
In those dark pupils, I see a little light, like a star.
“Can i?”
Arvo gave a slow nod and my hand wriggled him to be closer to a full hug, his softness enveloping my own. I could feel his heart running parallel to my own, mending my doubts in each beat - I felt alive, wonderfully so, and so was this gentle hearted tiger in my arms.
I…wanted more.
“Arvo…in the common room, you said you could kiss me…do you still want to?”
I look down to blank eyes, his mouth slightly open as if to answer…then thinks better of it, that there was another option.
In the time of a blink, he pressed his snout close and licked at me. I answer back, letting him in at the second go and I am determined to not let his initiative go unrewarded. I dig at his maw, exploring the shape, letting myself wonder in the feeling and melting into the intimacy. He brushes my back fur, affirming me of our existences, and I squeeze back in turn.
My lungs burn. I am forced to break. We both rear our heads a little to fill ourselves with the cold air once again.
“Lake…”
My name. It’s my name. It’s me .
“Arvo.”
His name. It’s his name. It’s him .
“You have no idea how happy I am to have you here.” Another whisper that I can manage to bring out, offered like gentle autumn leaves. “Thank you.” I wanted to say so much more, write poetry, sing songs, paint landscapes…but it would start with words, it had to.
Arvo didn’t immediately respond back, only rumbling his way into my snout once more and that was enough for a reply.
“Can you stay here with me? It’s so much easier falling asleep with someone else.” It was selfish, but what we just shared…i couldn’t bare-
“Mhm.”
It wasn’t even a thought for the tiger. Perhaps then, I should stop thinking so hard about it as well.
After one last muzzle touch, I turned myself, letting Arvo fit himself upon my back and letting him nest on my neck. His hands fasten to my chest, an entire palm on my heart to what I could imagine as a safety, that I am as real as anything he may ever touch; I am glad for it, and happy that I too have a constant for his presence.
His breathing slows. Mine follows.
“Lake…”
I see him. His wants and needs. I see his pains and smiles. I hope to stay.
“...Arvo.”
[End of day 2]