Archive of Our Own

Touya was born on a crisp winter morning, surrounded by blankets and his mom’s arms. He had to be constantly wrapped in blankets in the first few weeks of his life or he would start shivering and crying. It had scared his mom when she touched Touya’s skin for the first time to find it cold under her fingers. Her doctor tried to reassure her that it was simply because Touya was born early and that after a few months, he’d get used to the freezing weather, but Touya’s skin never stopped being cold. 

It didn’t stop him from being a sweet and cuddly little baby, constantly trying to cling onto his parents until they’d take him into their arms. He didn’t remember much before Fuyumi’s birth, only being two years old so he cannot remember a time where his parents’ love was solely on him, but he knows it was two great years of being a single child. He would often fall asleep on his dad’s chest or in his mom’s arms, trying to feel the heat of another body as much as possible. His mom liked to compare him to a cat lounging under sunlight, affectionately calling him “her kitten”. 

Sharing his parents' attention with Fuyumi had been fine, two parents for two young kids, the house being always filled with laughter and joy. His dad would often let him wear his uniform’s hat, calling his little boy “officer Touya”. It always made his son laugh. Touya liked to spend time with his sister, even if it meant playing pretend with dolls. At least, Fuyumi was kind enough to let him bring his own toys and plushies to play with her. Things were great. For a time.

Touya got sick way too often for his parents’ comfort and he was constantly shivering so they soon had a checkup with the family doctor. Touya might have been young at the time, but he can still remember his dad’s eyes dimming when the doctor told them Touya had a weaker body than a normal kid of his age. Being born prematurely definitely didn’t help with inheriting his mom's weak constitution. He remembers that after this doctor’s visit, his dad’s eyes would pass over him more often than not. He became distant, leaving the house for hours, sometimes days, letting Touya’s mom to do the parenting alone. It was only when they were invited to public events that his dad would act like his old self. Touya blamed the doctor for years for creating this chasm in his family. 

When Natsuo was born, Touya had grown up more and he soon realized that his mom’s attention couldn’t always be focused solely on him. He had managed, trying to take the role of being a big brother seriously, to take the load off his mom’s back a little bit so she could appreciate him more for the help. He had no problem learning how to cook from her, but baking had been a totally different story. Still, it made his mom laugh when the only edible dessert he was able to make was her cookie recipe, so it was a win in Touya’s mind. She was always very grateful for his help, even more so when he took the initiative to take care of Fuyumi so their mom could focus on Natsuo. 

It was selfish, but Touya was mostly doing it for the chance that his mom would look at him, hug him, talk softly to him . His dad still refused to look at him for too long, like it pained him to have to look at his oldest, and almost never spoke to Touya directly. At least, Touya had his mom’s love and attention at the time.

Things went from bad to worse when Shoto was born. Touya loved his youngest brother. He loved holding the little bundle of fabric wrapped around the little baby when his mom would need an extra pair of hands. He loved poking the chubby little cheek of his baby brother who would then laugh and flail around until their mom would pick him up and bring him somewhere else. He loved hearing the baby scream and blabbering until their mom had to take Shoto away from Touya to stop his dad from complaining about the noise.

Touya loved Shoto. But his brother took his mom completely away from him. Shoto’s birth had been physically hard on their mom, making her bedridden for most of Shoto’s first year. She didn’t have the energy to take care of most of her children’s needs and focused most of her attention on the little baby glued to her side. Touya, Fuyumi and Natsuo made themselves smaller, easier to handle and take care of. Their dad cast them aside, deeming none of them worthy of his attention compared to the newest addition to the family. Touya couldn’t deal with his dad's dismissal of him and his mom’s love being directed at someone else. 

He didn’t know where things got wrong. He started lashing out at people around him, but never toward his own family. He ignored his teachers and started many fights between students, trying to get rid of the heavy feeling in his stomach. His father was always the one to take him back home after getting a call from the principal, his mom being too busy with Shoto. Those moments before exiting the car to get inside the house were always painful. Nothing he said to his teachers, mom or siblings made them realize that Touya’s bruises were too big to be coming solely from a child's fight. Still, if those bruises meant his father would finally look at him, Touya would have stayed in the car for hours on end, nevermind the pain and tears spilling down his cheeks.

Touya became a wildfire after this. His mom had focused her energy on taking care of her three other well-behaved children when she did get better, unknowingly casting Touya away because of her husband. His father started keeping Touya away from his siblings and his mom as much as possible, grounding Touya to his room for weeks with the only exception to go to school. Even years later, Touya still doesn’t know exactly what their father told his family to keep them away from him. He almost never saw Fuyumi, Natsuo or Shoto.  He sometimes could hear Natsuo or Fuyumi ask their parents to see Touya but the answer was always no, whether it being hesitantly or angrily. He doesn’t remember the last time he saw his mom turn to look at him. He started more fights, more arguments with teachers, forcing his father to look at him and take care of the problem that Touya had become. If he couldn’t have his mom’s attention on him, he would have to make do with his father’s. 

His hair started changing from his original fiery red, just like his father, into a pinker hue until only a month after the start of the change, his hair had completely become white. Looking at himself in the mirror only made him feel more desperate for his mom so he tried avoiding any reflective surface as much as possible. He might look more like his mom now, but he still doesn’t have her eyes. He hates looking at himself, having those eyes stare at him.

His life went from bad to worse on a random Wednesday afternoon. Touya had been brought back to the house by his father, littered in more bruises than he left the school, and he had essentially been thrown in his room unceremoniously , being told to stay there until his father would bring him food in the evening. Touya stayed immobile on the floor of his room, only flinching at the sound of the door slamming shut, wanting to curl up in a ball to comfort himself but his body was aching and hurting way too much to move anything. He listened to the telltale sound of his father’s footsteps growing distant, stopping to say something to his wife before opening the door outside and leaving the house. 

He cried. His father kept telling him that he was hitting him because he cared for him. Thinking that maybe, this time Touya will behave. Why was his father’s love so much harder to bear than his dismissal. Touya just wanted his mom’s eyes back on him. He just wanted to feel his mom’s hands on him, cradling him. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed on the floor of his room crying. It could have been minutes, maybe hours. He came back into reality when he heard a light knock on his door before hearing his mom talk through the door.

“Touya? Are you feeling better? Your father told me you weren’t feeling well and to leave you alone but I'm worried about you. Can I come in?”

He couldn’t remember the last time his mom even talked to him. He felt like he could cry from joy, knowing that what he had been wishing for for so long was only a few feet away from him. But Touya didn’t want his mom to see him on the ground crying from how much pain he was in. He pushed himself up, gritting his teeth to stop himself from yelping at a sudden pain in his ribs and threw himself on his bed, his back facing the door. 

“Come in”, he rasped out, rubbing the back of his hands against his face to wipe his tears. 

He knew it was his mom opening the door and coming into his room, but he still flinched further away on his bed, his nose almost touching the wall next to his bed. He stayed perfectly still, trying to stop his body from shaking at the sound of approaching footsteps. 

It’s mom. It’s only mom. She won’t hurt me. She doesn’t care enough to hurt me. Surely she won’t hurt me.

He felt his bed dip when his mom sat on the edge of his bed. He heard her sigh before she started talking. Touya stopped breathing, wanting to soak in every single word his mom was about to say. To him .

“Touya…. Why do you keep fighting other kids? It hurts me to see you like this, covered in bruises and scratches. I don’t understand. Why are you doing this?”

Because that’s the only way his father would look at him. It’s the only way his mom would talk to him. It’s the only way he can physically see that he’s not simply a ghost in this house.

“No reason,” he mumbles, his shoulders tensing after speaking. 

It’s only mom. She asked you a question. It is normal to respond.

“There must be a reason, Touya! Shoto asked me when he gets older, if he’ll also come back home hurting. Natsuo and Fuyumi keep asking me to see you but your father told me it wasn’t a good idea. That you might hurt them.”

Touya would never. Never never never. The thought of hurting his family almost makes him cry. Why couldn't they see that? Did they even know Touya anymore? Was he just a rabid animal being kept in a cage, getting beat up to try putting him back into his place? 

“I'm trying to understand you, Touya. Why are you picking fights at school? Your teachers keep telling us that you’re a smart boy and if it wasn’t for… for your aggressiveness, you’d be a model student. What is going on, Touya?”

He wants to tell her. Spill out everything that’s been weighing heavy on his heart, that’s been festering for years and years with no way for him to get it out. He takes a deep breath, winces while shifting on his bed to look at his mom to tell her.

But she’s still not looking at him. She’s staring at a point on his wall, her back almost turned all the way away from him. Even when it’s only the two of them, she just doesn't want to. Look. At. Him.

“You wouldn’t get it anyway. Leave me alone.” He goes back to his original position, curling in on himself just a little bit more than usual, trying to comfort himself. The pain at this point brings him more comfort than anything else in his life.

“Touya…”

“I said leave! I’m clearly not even worth your attention! You wouldn't believe me anyway... You never do anymore.” The longer he speaks, the quieter he becomes until it is only a whisper, so soft his mom might not even have heard him.

“Touya, please. Tell me. I’m trying to understand you.” she begs him, her voice quivering at the end.

“Dad hits me. When he brings me back from school. He hurts me.” he confesses, holding his breath after saying it.

There's a silence between them. Nobody moves.

“I havent started a single fight in months. Other students hit me and I hit them back but I'm always the only one in trouble.“

“I… what do you mean?” she says, her voice so quiet that Touya wonders for a second if he was meant to hear her. Then her words sink in.

“ What do you mean? Are you serious?!” He sits upright, trying to ignore the pain radiating through his body to turn his eyes on his mother. She’s staring at her hands. Why won’t she look at him?! “I just told you! Dad hits me. Constantly. I have more bruises coming from him than anyone else! Why can’t you believe me?” he yells, trying to get the words out before his throat completely closes up. Even after yelling, his mother won’t even turn her head to look at him.

“Touya… please listen to me. Your teachers keep telling us you’re always looking to start a fight with anyone. Obviously I'm going to doubt what you’re saying. I want to believe you but it’s a very serious thing to accuse your father of hitting you. Understand where I'm coming from. ”

“But you don’t want to understand me! Why don’t you listen to me?! Why won’t you look at me!” He clenches his fists into his sheets, wishing he could just bury himself into a hole and disappear. “I’m just asking for you to look at me… why is it so difficult for you and dad to look at me normally?! I’m so tired of trying! I just… I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE! I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE! YOU CLEARLY DON’T WANT TO ANYWAY! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME. THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MOUTH IS SHOTO. SO GO BACK TO HIM AND PRETEND THAT YOUR LITTLE FAMILY IS PERFECT!”

He stands up in his bed, almost falling back on his knees at how unstable he feels, his bedsheet still clenched in his hands. He takes a step backward, pushing his back flushed to the wall behind him.

His mother finally looks at him. She looks scared and regretful. Scared of him? Of what he said? Regretting talking to him? Regretting the fact that she backed him into a corner? He doesn’t know and he doesn't care anymore. She prefers to believe her husband than her own son. She prefers to believe strangers over him. Touya has had enough of running after his mother’s approval. Tears begin to well up in his eyes when he sees her just staring at him, tears falling on her cheeks. She doesn’t move.

“I said leave. I’m tired and hurt and I just want to be alone. Let me be alone before he comes back.” He sobs, raising his sheet to cover his chest, huge tears falling from his bruised cheeks.

“Touya. Please, I'm sorry.” She reaches an arm toward Touya, desperately asking to hold him in her arms. 

But she’s too late. Touya slaps her hand away from him, cowering in a corner of his bed instantly after doing it, half afraid of himself for hitting his mother, half afraid that she’ll also start hitting him just like his father.

“...please just leave. I'm begging you,” he pleads between two sobs.

She doesn’t say anything more and after a second of hesitation, she stands up from the bed and walks out of the room, never turning around to look at Touya’s shaking body. 

She closes the door and never goes back to Touya’s room.

He waits until he can’t hear her sobs before sliding his hands over the spot his mother sat on. He thinks this might be the last time he’ll feel his mom's warmth in any way.

Touya just felt empty. His conversation, if you could call it that, with his mother had changed nothing. She went back to focusing all of her attention on her other childrens, staying away from her oldest while the hitting from his father just kept getting harder and harder to deal with, now not limited to the drive back home. After a really intense beat up session (how will his mother explain the fact that Touya had been able to walk to his room when he came back from school but was unable to get up from his bed for the next two days), Touya made the decision to just. Stop fighting. For an entire month, he told himself, he decided to let people hurt him without fighting back or complaining. Soon enough, his bullies stopped caring for him and his stoic reaction and chose a new, livelier victim. His father would still hit him, telling him he was weak for letting people manhandle him like that without fighting back, only looking at his son for a second before staring at anything else than the mess that was his oldest. Touya didn’t know what his father wanted from him anymore.

If it wasn’t for his siblings, Touya would have probably been forgotten. Natsuo and Fuyumi often sneaked into his room to see him but Touya was always too tired and beaten up to talk with them. Touya always made sure to face the wall when they came into his room, not wanting to scare them away with his bruise-littered body. He knew they had already seen more than he’d like, but none of them even outwardly mentioned it. The only confirmation he got that Natsuo and Fuyumi knew about the abuse was them bringing him pills, water and ice packs. He once managed to ask Fuyumi how her day had been through the pain and since then, Natsuo or Fuyumi would sneak in, talk about their day to a silent Touya while the other was outside of the room, keeping their parents busy and far away from Touya’s bedroom. He appreciated their effort, his heart always squeezing in his chest, his eyes blurry with tears. Fuyumi would often sit on the floor next to his bed, reaching a hand out for Touya to squeeze her hand back. Natsuo would bring the chair from Touya’s desk right next to the bed and lay his feet on the mattress, gently placing his feet against Touya’s thigh, to let him know that he was right here. He couldn’t bring himself to turn to look at them still, but none of them mentioned it. They were happy enough just being in each other’s presence.

Shoto at one point got inside his room in the middle of the night. Touya hadn’t been asleep, trying to finish an assignment his teacher had given him in an attempt to help him with his failing grades after missing so many classes since the start of the year. He was startled by the sound of the door opening, fully expecting his father to be standing in the doorway, his angry eyes boring in on him for still being awake and was instead surprised to see Shoto standing in the darkness, holding his dragon plush in his arms. Shoto's face, slightly illuminated by Touya’s lamp desk, was wet with tears. Touya was torn between telling Shoto to go see his mom or standing up and taking the child in his arms.

“What’s wrong, Shoto?” he settles on saying, trying to understand why his little brother, who was always kept away from him, had decided to seek Touya out at this hour.

“I h-had a bad d-dream.” the child admits, squeezing his plushie closer to wipe his tears on the soft fabric.

Touya didn’t know what to do. His parents clearly didn’t trust him around his brothers and his sister, so letting Shoto be in the same room as him without his parents knowing would lead to punishment if they ever found out. But Touya was so tired. He just wanted a glimpse of his family back.

“OK, let’s put you to bed.” he whispers, slowly standing up from his chair to avoid any pain before walking to Shoto and holding his hand. It might have been a trick of the shadows but he thinks he saw his little brother smile at him. When was the last time he saw anyone in his family smile at him?

“C-Can I sleep in you- your bed? With you? I…I really want to” Shoto confesses, his eyes full of hope. Touya was never a strong guy.

“Sure, come on.” He leads his brother further inside his room, helping Shoto crawl underneath the bed sheet before climbing in afterward. As soon as Touya stops moving after finding the less painful way to lay down, Shoto scoots closer to him and squeezes his brother’s middle, hugging him the best he can with his short arms. Touya stops breathing for a second, focusing more on the warmth of his brother than the pain he’s feeling right now. After a whole minute of Shoto holding on to his brother, as if he was scared that he would push him away at some point, Touya turns on his side, ignoring the pain in his ribs and gently snakes his arms around his brother’s body, hugging him close to his chest. 

Maybe they both cry themselves to sleep that night. No one else will know.

It became a kind of routine. His mother refused to look at him. His father got mad at every single thing he did. Touya went to school with bruises and scratches. Came back home with even more bruises and scratches. Natsuo and Fuyumi secretly went into his room to talk to him. Touya did his homework the best he could while feeling like his body was failing him. Shoto came into his room at some ungodly hour of the night to force Touya to go to bed and lay down with him. Waking up earlier than anyone else to put Shoto back into his own bedroom.

Day after days after months after years.

Touya couldn’t see the end of this.

He ran away from home one night. After making sure that he had tuck Shoto safely into his own bed, checking that his brother was still asleep before leaving him there, he grabbed his hoodie and his backpack he had made the night before and left the house. Not many people around town had white hair and even though it was very late into the night, he hid himself under his hoodie to avoid any trouble. He didn't know where he’d go. He just needed to be out. His father had almost stopped caring for him by now, probably realizing that giving Touya any kind of attention, even bad, would lead nowhere. The only time Touya made eye contact with his father anymore was just before getting a slap in the face or when he opened his door to get his meal. His mother had started looking more desperate as the days went on, her eyes looking emptier and lifeless every time Touya caught a glance at her before leaving for school. He didn’t know what warranted her to slowly rot away but a small sliver of hope inside of Touya told him it might be because she realized that Touya hadn’t been lying to her. Maybe now she understands what he’s feeling on a daily basis.

He walked for maybe an hour or two, staying far away from badly lit streets or shifty looking people before making a decision on his destination. 

Touya didn’t want to go back, but the thought of his siblings still at home made him hesitate. What would happen to Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shoto if Touya wasn’t there to quell their father’s anger? He couldn't let them live through that.

He just needed to feel free for a few hours. He walked back in the direction of his house, diverging his path when he got closer to the nearby park, hearing laughter. There, he saw a group of teenagers older than him smoking and drinking in a circle, the sound of cheering and glass hitting glass spurting Touya on. They had a small fire going on between them on the ground, nearby grass catching fire and burning out in a matter of seconds. He was spotted before he could start wondering what he was doing.

“What do you want, man?” asks one of the teens, taking a single step toward Touya to create a barrier between his friends and this stranger.

“Sorry, I was walking around and spotted the fire. Didn't know there was a spot to make fire in the park. ”

“There isn't. We thought it would be nice to have a little fire to warm ourselves up while drinking. Want some?” he rummages inside a backpack and hands a bottle to Touya. What he thought might have been beer from afar looks to be a bottle of straight vodka. This might be a really bad idea.

“Sure, why not,” he shrugs his shoulders before taking the neck of the bottle in one hand. He stares nervously at it for a second before unscrewing the cap, relief washing over him when he realizes it was still sealed. 

He takes a sip. Winces. Takes another.

“Woah! We have someone here who needs to forget his life, haha. Let’s have some fun!” yells one of the teens, followed by his friends cheering with him.

They chat and laugh between them, Touya standing in their midst just listening to the gossip, keeping his hands firmly gripped on the neck of his bottle of vodka, his skin buzzing.  At some point, someone offers him their cigarette, which he takes one drag out of before choking and coughing, deciding that it’s disgusting. One of the teens tells him he’ll come around someday and to keep his lighter in memory of the great night they’re having right now.

Even with the noise of people talking and laughing around him, he starts daydreaming, looking at the fire slowly licking away near his foot. He gets tugged backward at some point, faintly hearing one of the guys scold him for standing too close to the fire. But Touya feels cold, the chill he always feels in his bones disappearing the longer he stands in front of the flames. He never realized how cold he felt until now, with the fire casting dancing lights on the people around him, keeping all of them from freezing in the night. Touya wishes he could take the fire and shove it in his body, to have it for himself. The fire feels warm, like the feeling of his mother’s presence leaving his room, Fuyumi’s hand in his, Natsuo’s feet on his thigh or Shoto’s small body pressed against his. He needs more.

Soon enough, the teens start talking about going to bed before their parents find out. Touya doesn’t know if his parents would even care. He watches another teen step closer to the fire, holding a bottle of beer in his hand , tilting it to extinguish the fire. Touya has half a mind to stop him from putting out the fire, just to feel it a little longer but another teen stops his friend, telling him that it would be a waste of alcohol. They choke the fire out by dumping water on it  and shortly after, they all start dispersing, wishing each other goodnight and inviting Touya to come back if he ever feels like it. 

Once he’s alone, Touya’s still holding most of his bottle of vodka. He looks around, spotting a backpack one of them probably forgot. He steps closer, not really knowing what he should do with it. He doesn’t know where any of them live and to be honest with himself, he barely remembers their faces. He looks around, trying to spot someone coming back before he crouches down and opens the bag. Inside of it, he finds what they most likely used to start the fire. A bunch of torn up newspaper, a bottle of lighter fluid and a box of small light brown squares called firelighters. At this point, he’s not really sure what spurs him on but he stands up and looks around himself. He grabs the lighter fluid from the backpack before walking briskly to a lonely spring loaded horse and starts pouring a generous amount of the lighter fluid on it. He hesitates for a second before lighting the little flame from his newly gifted lighter. The wood catches fire so fast, Touya singes his fingertips. He stays there, standing way too close to the fire for it to be safe but he doesn’t care. This feels nice. This is what he’d been looking for. Something his family couldn’t give him fully. He would have stayed there for hours looking at the fire eating away at the wood but he could hear sirens in the distance getting closer, so he made sure his hood was still hiding his identity before running away, feeling the adrenaline pump in his veins. He might be smelling like smoke and some strand of hair might be burned off, but Touya never felt as warm and alive in years. It made him feel like he could go on with his sad life. Something ignited deeply in his guts. It never went out.

He was fine with his life for a while, having found a way to let out his anger in a way that didn't involve his family in any way. His father stopped caring completely about Touya as long as his son stayed in his room. He had to dodge his father every morning, trying to get out of the house to take the bus without him seeing him. Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shoto were still getting driven to school, even if Touya and his sister were going to the same school.

His mother tried talking to him a few times since his breakdown, but Touya still felt like his mom only wanted to talk to him to beg him to behave. Before, maybe Touya would have listened to her, trying to give his mother what she wished for, but now that he had found an escape from his shitty life, he didn’t see the point in doing what she wanted. It wouldn’t change anything.

But the fire didn’t only bring good things to Touya's life. With a way to let out his frustration, he didn’t feel the need to rely on his siblings as much. He stopped interacting with Fuyumi altogether. It took multiple days of Touya refusing to let her in his room for her to stop trying. She often asked him why through the door, but Touya wouldn’t even give her an answer most of the time. The older Fuyumi got, the more she looked like their mother. Touya couldn’t see Fuyumi without imagining his mother’s face, scared and crying, and took the decision that it would be better for the both of them if they stopped talking. That way, Fuyumi could stay his sister in his mind and she wouldn’t have to deal with Touya’s misplaced anger. But he didn’t want to tell her why he didn’t want to see her. He felt furious at himself for being unable to separate Fuyumi’s face from their mother. He knew his sister had done nothing to be treated that way by him but a nagging voice in his head kept telling him that she would turn out just like his mom. It was better that way. It had to be.

Their father had focused his entire energy on controlling who Shoto was interacting with or what he was doing so Touya saw his brother even less. He also started turning Shoto away when he came into his room at night, telling him that he was “too busy” and it would be better for Shoto to sleep in his own bed. In reality, Touya spent most of those nights outside with the group of teens he met months ago. He still couldn’t remember most of their names.

Shoto stopped trying to come to Touya’s room at night after their father had found out about it. It had been a mistake bound to happen after doing it for years. Their father had learned about Natsuo and Fuyumi sneaking into Touya’s room without his permission and the only thing his siblings had to deal with was their father reprimanding and screaming at them for going behind his back. Touya didn’t get any food as a punishment that day. He could still hear their father screaming at Natsuo and Fuyumi, telling them he was disappointed in them for doing something “so dangerous” and that Shoto was much better than any of his other children. “He’s the only one worthy of the name Todoroki”, he said before tugging Shoto away from them. 

His mother got hit that night. Touya doesn’t like to think about it.

A mere week later, Touya, having gone outside all night to spend time with the group of teens to cover for him setting a random fence on fire, came back home and found Shoto already sleeping in his bed. He felt too exhausted to lift Shoto in his arms to bring him to his own room, so he chose to let his brother stay, just this once, and fell asleep, forgetting to set his alarm for the following day. When the morning came, their father went to wake Shoto up but found an empty bed instead. The house had been quickly filled by shouting and stomping footsteps, but neither Touya or Shoto were fast enough to not get caught. Touya isn’t really sure what words anyone yelled, but he has the image of Shoto getting violently tugged out of his room by their father burned in his brain. 

Touya had been hit for the first time in months, being called a disgrace and a monster for corrupting his siblings.

After this day, Shoto was kept in a different section of the house, the furthest away from Touya’s room. Only his mother and father were able to go, a lock being placed on Shoto’s door so he would never go back to Touya’s room. Shoto was kept away from his siblings, now being the one to get his meal brought to his room. 

Touya and Shoto’s roles were reversed. At least, Shoto never got hit by their father, which was for the best in Touya’s mind. He has to be the only one of the kids getting hit. No one else. He wasn’t able to stop his father from hurting his mother now, seeing himself in her even more now.

Touya and Natsuo got closer after Shoto was isolated from them. Touya did try to spend time with Fuyumi also, but the whole Shoto situation made her quieter and sadder, which only deepened the resemblance between her and his mother in Touya’s eyes. He spent as much time with Natsuo as possible now that he wasn’t in constant pain and not important enough for their father to worry about what he was doing. In their father’s eyes, Touya had already corrupted the other members of the family. The two boys would spend all their time together at home, including bringing their meals in Natsuo’s or Touya’s room since only their mother and sister would sit at the table. Touya still kept his distance from both of them despite them trying to talk to him. He did try to wave or smile at them when their eyes met, but it only made him angrier to see the state they were in because of Enji.

In the past, Natsuo and Touya always were a little awkward with each other because their interests and hobbies never were the same, but now because of it, they could spend hours talking together about various things and learn new things in the comfort of the other.

“You know this manga about a volleyball club I talked about last week?”, asks Natsuo, laying upside down on his own bed with his head hanging off it. It’s a wonder his face hasn’t turned red yet.

“Yeah I remember, you wanted to join your school volleyball team,” Touya replies, looking at his homework he had brought from his own room, using Natsuo’s desk like it was his own, “...which is a stupid idea by the way. You’re fit physically but I don’t think reading about it in a manga makes you good enough to join the team mid season.”

“Whatever, I don’t care about your opinion,” declares Natsuo, sticking his tongue out in Touya’s direction. “Anyway, at some point, one of the players gets hurt and he refuses to tell the other he’s hurting so he tries to keep playing but one of his friends finds out and sends him on the bench.”

“Ok and? He gets a little kiss on his injury and goes back on the court?”

“No! The nurse comes to take care of him and they have a heartfelt conversation together! The nurse tells the player that she’s a nurse because her brother would often get hurt while playing outside when they were younger and she always wished she could help him…” Natsuo’s face becomes serious before he stands up from his upside down position to sit properly on his bed, facing Touya who stopped working on his homework midway through Natsuo’s retelling. “Seeing him hurt constantly made her feel hopeless. She said that maybe she couldn’t help him in the past, but now she can help other people like she wished she could have with her brother.”

Touya’s breath gets caught in his throat, staring back in his brother’s eyes.

“I want to go into medicine later. So that I can help others from feeling what you felt all those years. Having to look at you refusing our help in fear that our father would then hurt us back never sat right with me. I want to help other kids from feeling the pain you felt and stop them from thinking no one would believe them if they said that their parents abuse them. I want to be the person you never had in the past” Natsuo’s voice stutters through his words, his eyes filled with unshed tears. “Do you believe in my dream?”

Touya’s throat is too choked up to utter a single word, so he decides instead to throw himself in his brother’s arms, instantly getting squeezed back by Natsuo. They stay holding each other in their arms for what must have been minutes but feels like hours, none of them saying anything else for the rest of their time together.

Rei had felt helpless in her own house for years now. She can look back fondly to the first few years of her relationship with Enji before they had any kids. Touya’s birth had been hard on her, but he was her first baby and she never felt resentment toward him for it. It was her fault he had been born prematurely, that he had been born weaker than Enji had wished for. But she still loved Touya with all her heart. 

Fuyumi’s birth had been met with disappointment from Enji, even if he tried to hide it. But Rei was happy to have Fuyumi, her precious little daughter, and she was even happier when she realized that Touya and Fuyumi spent a lot of time together entertaining each other. It gave her more time to tend to Enji’s bad mood. 

Natsuo’s birth had been a lonely one. Enji had been too busy with his work to attend his second son’s birth, and then he was too busy with work to spend time with Natsuo. He was simply too busy for Natsuo. Touya and Fuyumi were still way too young to take care of their brother, but they liked to help their mother with other chores. Touya was always very eager to please, which made Rei’s life easier. 

But things weren’t good enough for Enji.

Rei’s body almost failed her during Shoto’s birth. He was a healthy baby, born only a few days after his due day, but Rei never felt as exhausted in her entire life. She never told anyone but hearing that she had another son removed a huge weight on her shoulders. Maybe. Maybe this one would be good enough for Enji. In her eyes, all her kids were perfect in their own way, nevermind what her husband might think. But the thought of having another child always made her shiver and she threw up most of her hospital meal every time she had the thought. 

She wouldn’t survive another one.

Shoto, even with his mismatched eyes, was still deemed good enough for Enji’s standard after seeing his wife in this weakened state. Her other kids took her role of taking care of the house while she was busy recovering from Shoto’s birth. She felt sad to be unable to spend any time with her other kids, but Enji kept telling her that he was taking care of them and to focus on making sure Shoto would turn out right.

Rei tried keeping Shoto away from Enji for as long as she could when the baby started having hair, afraid that Shoto’s split colored hair would motivate Enji to push for another kid.

He did ask for another kid. 

Rei told him she’d rather die.

The conversation ended there.

One moment, Touya was her son, always smiling at her and trying to hug her and then the next, he stopped smiling and came back home bruised and beaten, his eyes avoiding hers. She did try to reach out to him, but the whole encounter ended in screams and tears. She should have believed Touya, or at least tried to dig further about what he said about Enji. But the thought of her husband hurting their children made her sick to the stomach. She wanted to believe Touya, to take the pain away from him. Still, her oldest stayed away from her after that, keeping his eyes downcast everytime they were in the same room and never uttering a word. She knew she did something wrong. She had to believe she was still a good mother. Rei spent all of her waking hours taking care of her other children, trying to tell herself she was doing a good job, that her family wasn’t totally broken.

Touya’s words never left her mind though. She found out the severity of it when Touya had been brought back home, purposefully looking at his mother with a split lip and a bruised cheek, waving at her. It had been the first time in a while that their eyes even met. Enji went through the door not long after, stomping after Touya, telling him he was grounded. She waited until she heard Touya’s door closing before briskly walking to it, making sure to not make a noise on her way. She didn’t even reach the door before she heard a slap followed by a small body hitting the rug. 

“Why won’t you listen to me, Touya?!” Enji snarls, keeping his voice low to not be heard by Rei if she was still standing in the kitchen. “I’m working my ass off for you ungrateful children and you’re only making my life harder in return.” Another hit followed by a grunt of pain. “You need to be put back in your place.” Another hit, another yelp. “I won’t tolerate this stupid attitude any longer.”

She can’t hear anymore of this. She turns her heels and runs as silently as she can back to the kitchen before bending over the sink and throwing up.

She tried to reach out to Touya after that, but her oldest would still not look at her. Enji spent less time “taking care” of Touya and more time telling the other members of the family to stay clear of Touya’s room, saying that Touya could have violent outbursts and could hurt them. Rei didn’t believe him. She tried to show Touya that she still cared for him by cooking his favorite meal as often as possible, ignoring her husband's complaint about the food being the same week after week. She made sure to never let her other children be alone with Enji, hoping that he wouldn’t catch on to her. 

Natsuo or Fuyumi would often go to them to spend time with their parents while the other one was always mysteriously absent. It didn’t take long for Rei to catch on when she went inside to use the restroom during one of Natsuo’s game and heard Fuyumi’s voice in Touya’s room. The day after finding it out, she sat Natsuo and Fuyumi around the table and told them that she knew about them sneaking into Touya’s room and that she would stay quiet if they brought ice packs and medicine to Touya. No one was against the idea. 

They kept doing it for years, Rei helping her two middle children sneak into their older brother’s room, Rei trying to keep Enji away from her children, even more from Touya, trying to take care of her youngest while also trying not to feel hopeless. She couldn’t keep living like that. She couldn’t let her children live like that. But where could she go? Her family had essentially chosen Enji for her and her role in this relationship had always been to take care of her husband and children. But she couldn’t do both anymore. Her family would rather she chooses her husband over her own children. “Once married, your husband will be with you forever. Children come and go. You can always have more.” But she couldn’t have more. She didn’t want more. 

She spent most nights laying in bed next to Enji, staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore the footsteps leaving the house at night. Once she heard the door closing, most of her time was spent thinking of ways for her to leave this place with her four children, far away from Enji. But she was a housewife, had not much money to her own name and she couldn’t find a single place she could go where Enji would be unable to reach them. She was helpless. She only let herself fall asleep once she heard the door opening again hours later.

“You don’t have the right to talk to my kids like that .” She blurts out once Enji comes into their bedroom after having screamed at Natsuo and Fuyumi for seeing Touya. “You don’t have the right to deprive Touya from eating!” she says, having heard Enji throw away the food she had put in front of Touya’s room. “You can’t do those things to your own child!”

“They’re acting this way because you didn’t teach them to respect me. I’m the man of this house, you’re my wife, they’re my children.” Enji states, his hands clenched on either side of his body. “I decide what’s best for us here. If you didn’t spend all your time coddling them, they would behave! They would listen! Instead, they cry for their mother and throw a tantrum when things don’t go their way!”

“This is no reason to hurt them! They fear you!” she yells, not minding that her kids might hear her. She’s done cowering.

“As they should! There’s no respect if there’s no fear.” Enji says back, walking briskly in Rei’s direction. She barely has the time to take a step back that she’s sent flying to the floor, a stinging pain on her left cheek. She looks up at her husband in fear.

“I think you’re not being respectful enough with me, Rei. I’m working hard for this family while you stay home and cry about Touya not wanting to talk to you. He’s poisoning your mind, making you weak.” He says calmly, towering over her.

They both hear fast footsteps running toward their room, the door slamming open showing them a six years old Shoto, a look of anger on his face. He runs to his mother, putting his hand for a second on her hand covering her cheek, making her flinch away, before he turns back to his father, his head tilted completely back to stare at his father’s face. He extends both of his little arms out, shielding his mother from his father.

“D-don’t touch her!” he yells at the top of his tiny lungs.

“Shoto, mind your own business. This is between me and your mother.”

Shoto’s only answer is shaking his head, not moving his body an inch to keep protecting his mother.

“Shoto…” she pleads, not really knowing what she’s asking of her youngest. 

“Your sense of justice is remarkable, Shoto. You’ll do great in the future.” Enji states, his eyes focused on his son, a look of pride on his face. It makes Rei sick. “Let’s end our conversation here, then. There’s no point continuing now that we have an audience.” He settles on after a few seconds of staring at Shoto, before turning around to look at the doorway. 

Rei stretches her body to have a look at the door and her heart stops when she sees her sons and daughter standing in the doorway, a look of shock on all of their faces. 

Even Touya is here, his eyes locked on her’s. She has to stop herself from flinching away from Touya’s stare, his eyes reminding her of Enji’s. She takes a stuttering breath to calm her hammering heart. Touya is kind. He’s sweet. He wouldn’t hurt her. His eyes are the only things in common between him and his father. 

Her children move away from their father when he leaves the bedroom, making themselves as small as they can to not anger him even more. Once they all hear the door of his office closing, their bodies relax. Shoto turns around and throws himself in his mother’s arm, trembling and crying. She rubs her hands on his back, her eyes still looking at Touya.

“Touya… I’m…” she whimpers, her tears soaking Shoto’s shirt.

“Natsuo and Fuyumi will stay in my room tonight. You should stay in Shoto’s room for now.” Touya whispers, already gently pushing Natsuo and Fuyumi away from their parents' bedroom. Rei stays in Shoto’s arm for one more minute, trying to compose herself. She can’t even take care of her own kids. What is she going to do?

She truly couldn’t do anything to get her kids out of here. Speaking to her kids’ teachers didn’t change anything. None of the calls she made went anywhere. Whatever she did, no one seemed to take her words for it. She had spent most of her time as an adult taking care of her children, never having the time to make friends with anyone. She was alone. She tried contacting multiple call centers to get help, but the second call always led to a dead end. Most of the time, the people she was talking to told her that there was nothing they could do. Others would tell her that they had been notified that a Rei Todoroki, formerly known as Himura, might call them and if she did, to let her down gently. One or two told her straight up that she was crazy for going against her husband.  She didn’t understand why no one wanted to help her until a sweet lady on the phone told her that Enji Todoroki would bring their whole organisation to the ground if he ever found out that they helped her. The girl on the phone believed Rei, but she couldn’t help her. She was truly a prisoner in her own house. Rei thought for a second to contact the police directly, before remembering that Enji must have already told some crazy story about her to keep his colleagues from believing her. For not a second she thought the police department would take the word of an exhausted mother over a serious and dedicated policeman. 

This whole thing made her lose sleep, laying in the guest bedroom’s bed staring at the ceiling, jumping at every creaking of the house, wondering if Enji would come in the room to beat her up. He hadn’t hit her since their argument, but she constantly felt on edge, waiting to hear the sound of pain coming from any of the other rooms. She stayed awake most nights, at most sleeping one or two hours per night. When she did fall asleep, it was filled with nightmares involving blue eyes and bruised skin. 

She tried to take care of her children, but most of the time it was them taking care of her. Before, when everyone else had left the house for the day, Rei was able to clean up the house and prepare food with an ease only known by women being raised as housewives. But now, she spent most of her days struggling to take care of the house while her head was elsewhere, her body too tired to move. She couldn’t see the end of this nightmare.

She spent most of her time being half awake, staring into space for long periods of time before someone snapped her out of it. She truly tried to focus on what she was doing, but her mind found it easier to dissociate than think about how much she was letting down her children everyday. The house was now always quiet, people only speaking in hushed tones, trying to make Enji forget that anyone but Shoto existed. Touya still wouldn’t talk to her, but at least he seemed to be in less pain than before, often seeing him smiling at Natsuo. She wasn’t sure when was the last time she heard him call her “mom”. Fuyumi spent most of her time at home helping her mother cook or clean up in complete silence, her head bowed to the ground. Natsuo often forced all of them (except for Enji and Shoto) to sit outside in the sun together, even if no conversation ever started between them. The few times Rei was able to be with Shoto without her husband looming behind them were spent hugging her baby in her arms, apologizing to him for not being able to save them.

She almost drops the cup she’s holding when she hears someone enter the kitchen. She was too far into her own head, something that happens way too often to be normal.

She turns around, wondering who could be standing behind her. It could be Touya, coming to get himself something to eat. It could be Fuyumi, making sure that her mom doesn’t need help. It could also be Natsuo, coming in to take Rei outside. It could be Shoto, asking his mom what they were eating later today.

It could be Enji.

Her eyes instantly meet blue. Her body recoils back, trying desperately to get as far away as she can with the kitchen counter digging into her ribs.

She can hear screaming coming from her own throat but she’s so out of it that it could have been anyone. Her hands scramble on the counter, looking for something to protect herself from the threat.

Her fingers wrap around the handle of something. It feels oddly warm. She throws it towards them.

Someone screams in pain in front of her.

It doesn’t sound like Enji.

She snaps back into reality seeing Shoto holding the left side of his face, crying in pain.

She throws herself on the ground in front of Shoto, frantically wiping away the boiling water she threw on him with her sleeves. 

Her apologies are drowned out by the scream of her child.

She can’t believe she did this.

Has she gone completely insane?

She takes Shoto in her arms, standing up on shaky legs to get a wet cloth to soothe the pain the best she can.

The screaming and crying is so loud that she doesn’t hear someone else coming into the room.

Shoto gets ripped from her arms before she gets pushed to the ground, falling into the puddle of now lukewarm water she threw on her own child.

She hears more screams, but the only thing echoing in her ears is Shoto screaming in pain.

Because of her.

He’s in pain because of her .

She tries sitting up, her hands slipping under her more than once, looking up at her husband standing there, looking furiously at her.

Instead of tending to Shoto’s injury.

“You ruined my perfect son.”

He leaves the house with Shoto. She can still hear him crying through the walls.

She hurt her baby.

Touya kept Fuyumi and Natsuo in his room, blocking the door with the drawer they pushed together after hearing Enji scream at their mother. Touya had tried to reach his mother and little brother when he heard them scream but his father was faster than him. Touya simply didn’t want Enji's fury to turn on them, so he dragged Fuyumi and Natsuo into his room while they were all standing in the hallway, scared. They all sat on his bed, the furthest corner from the door, holding their breaths. Only when they hear the car starting outside and driving off, do they throw themselves to remove the furniture to see what had happened.

Years later, Touya can still remember every detail they stumbled into when they reached the kitchen. Their mother, kneeling in a puddle of water, head bowed so low, her hair was forming a halo around her. Her arms were crossed over her chest, in a weak imitation of a hug. Her chest was heaving, sobs wrecking her whole body. The kettle she used everyday to make herself tea was lying on its side on the floor, the lid sitting innocently on the counter behind her. Fuyumi threw herself on the floor next to her mother, squeezing her in her arms, trying to rock her mother from side to side to soothe her. Natsuo ran off to go grab towels to clean the mess, telling everyone to be careful as not to slip. Touya just stood there, staring at his mother in distress. 

“What happened?” Touya asks, even if he doesn’t really want to know.

“It’s my fault. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. My poor Shoto. I’m sorry Shoto.” she wails, her sobs not stopping despite Fuyumi’s attempt to comfort her.

“What happened?!” he shouts, making both his mother and Fuyumi flinch. He takes a single step back at their reaction. “I’m sorry for screaming. Whatever this is, it’s not your fault.”

He leaves the kitchen in a hurry, almost bumping into Natsuo who was coming back. He doesn’t let his brother ask him where he’s going, shutting himself in his own room to let himself calm down. He isn't sure if he’ll ever be able to forget the noise his little brother made. He’s angry at his mother for hurting Shoto, but he’s furious at his father for everything else. For casting his own children aside for not being good enough, for hitting Touya, for keeping Touya’s siblings away from him for years, for trapping their mother, for hitting her. For breaking their mother. If their father wasn’t this horrible person, none of this would have happened. Maybe they could have been a normal, happy family. But there was no point dwelling on this fantasy. This wasn’t their reality.

Enji still wasn’t back home with Shoto the next morning. He had called at the first hour of sunrise, waking everyone up in the house. Their mother spent the entire call only nodding or whispering a quiet OK from time to time. She looked like a shell of her previous self, like all the fight had left her body yesterday. It was painful for her children to watch. 

Touya, Fuyumi and Natsuo, all having slept badly during the night, sluggishly moved around the house, slowly getting themselves ready for school. They moved around their mother, sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the grain of the wood like it would save her from her misery. 

It’s only when they are about to leave the house, walking the short distance between the house and the bus stop, that their mother speaks up.

“Touya?”, she says anxiously.

He doesn’t know if she meant for her children to hear her, but all of them freeze on the spot, looking at each other in disbelief. None of them move, not really knowing what the next step is supposed to be. They could all turn around and envelop her in hugs and reassurance that they’re here and they’ll get out of this together. They could leave the house right now, letting her deal with the pain of hurting her own son by herself. Instead, Touya gestures for his siblings to wait for him outside while he goes to his mother’s side. He doesn’t make a noise on his way to the kitchen, hearing his mother sob when she hears the front door opening and closing. He stops in the doorway, staring at his mother’s shaking form. It’s a wonder she can still cry.

“I’m here.” He cautiously whispers, not really wanting to startle her. She whips her head up at hearing his voice and her tears just keep falling faster at seeing him.

“I have to leave.” She chokes out.

“W-What? What… What do you mean by "you have to leave”? Mom, what are you saying?” 

He doesn’t understand. Why does she have to leave? 

“I can’t stay with you kids anymore. I might hurt you.” She whispers, her eyes going back to stare at the table, losing their colors once more. She looks defeated.

“Enji hurts us and we’re still living with him! Why are you leaving and not him? Why are you leaving us?!” he shouts, trying to ignore the feeling of his throat closing or his body shaking.

“I can’t stay, Touya. You don’t understand.” she says softly, shaking her head. Tears begin to well up again in her eyes. She looks back up at Touya, a weak smile on her face. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“So you’re just letting us deal alone with our father.” Touya deadpans, staring into his mom’s empty eyes. “ You’re giving up on us.”

“No! No, Touya. I don’t want to. Please, I don’t want to.” she pleads, but her eyes seem unfocused, like she’s not really here with Touya anymore. “I don't want to go, but I'm too unstable to stay. I’m not strong enough to survive here. I can’t stay-”

“I spent years of my life trying to get you guys’ attention. I wanted to be looked at, to be loved! But I wasn’t good enough for you or dad,” hisses Touya, glaring at his mom’s shaking form. She recoils at the words, but Touya is too angry to acknowledge it. “I’ve spent YEARS of my life letting dad hit me because that was the only way he would look at me. I told you about it and you did NOTHING. You decided to let him hurt me because you didn’t want to deal with the consequences. But now that his anger has shifted unto you, you do something. You run away. You leave your kids behind with the monster you married.”

“Touya, please…stop. You don’t understand. I’m not strong like you.” She whimpers, wrapping her arms around her body to comfort herself.

“I’m not strong, you just let me deal with this all alone.” explains Touya, his anger slowly dying out. His mom has made up her mind. There’s no point arguing with her. “You’re a coward. That’s what you are.”

His mom’s cries grow in intensity, but Touya ignores her pleas to stay, to let her explain herself, and leaves the kitchen. He furiously wipes tears away from his own cheek. There’s no point crying for someone who leaves you behind.

For the first time in many years, Touya, Fuyumi and Natsuo get driven back home by their father. The drive is mostly silent, the absence of Shoto heavy in the car. Touya’s stomach is in knots, dreading the reaction of Fuyumi and Natsuo when their mother will tell them she’s leaving. He didn’t have the guts to tell them himself. She should be the one saying it, since it’s her decision. After five minutes of complete silence, Fuyumi speaks up.

“How’s Shoto? Is he OK?”

“He’ll come back from the hospital tomorrow. Your mother threw boiling water on him. She freaked out instead of trying to help minimize the damage, so he’ll most likely have scars on his face and arm for the rest of his life. What a waste.”

The silence in the car feels even heavier now, everyone looking outside of the car, at the trees and houses they pass by. Touya wonders how many of those are living a similar nightmare as them. How many of those houses are living the life Touya always wished they’d had. He feels his shoulder get squeezed, turning to look at Natsuo, nervously smiling at him. He tries to smile back, but he’s pretty sure he grimaces instead judging by Natsuo’s quirked up lips. The calm before the storm.

They all wait until their father has stopped the car and stepped out of it completely to unbuckle their seatbelt and follow a couple feet behind their towering father. They all walk inside in a line, Fuyumi being the barrier between their father and her brothers. The house is quiet.

Way too quiet.

Enji tells his kids he’ll be in his office until it is time to eat if they’re looking for him, but to only disturb him for important things. He leaves them in the hallway without a second thought, ignoring the look of confusion on all of their faces.

They stand on their spot for multiple minutes, all of them holding their breaths trying to hear  any sign of their mother. There’s none. Touya feels like throwing up. What follows is them running off in different parts of the house, as quietly as they can so as not to disturb their father, in search of their mother. They look everywhere, Touya even going as far as to look in Shoto’s room, until they hear Fuyumi gasp while entering their parents’ room. They were prohibited to enter usually, but right now they didn’t really care. Even less so when they step inside the room to see their mother’s entire side of the room empty, except for two boxes. Touya is frozen in place while Natsuo opens both of the boxes, filled with her belongings, and Fuyumi opens every drawer she can get her hands onto, all empty.

“Where is she?”, asks Fuyumi, her voice trembling. She has decided to re-open every drawer, hoping that maybe this time they would be filled.

“I don’t understand! Why are all of her things missing or in boxes?” Natsuo replies, emptying both boxes to look at what remains of their mother.

Touya stands in the doorway, the heavy feeling in his guts becoming unbearable. Before he can tell his siblings what happened this morning, they all hear heavy footsteps getting closer to the room. Touya only has time to turn his head when he’s violently grabbed by the arm.

“What are you doing in my bedroom?!” roars Enji, his grip on his oldest getting tighter.

“Where’s mom?!” Shouts Natsuo, standing up from his crouched position to glare at his father. “Where is she?!”

“Why are her things all missing, dad? What happened? Is she OK?” Fuyumi’s voice cracks in the middle of her sentence, her eyes filled with tears.

“She wasn’t well, so I sent her away.” is Enji’s simple answer. His hand on Touya’s arm squeezes harder. The pain, even unwarranted, keeps Touya grounded to what’s happening around him.

“What?” he croaks, looking up at his father.

“Don’t you dare speak back to me”, snarls Enji, his eyes lowering to glare at Touya. Somehow, his grip on Touya hurts even more.

“You sent her away? Why? Where?!” Natsuo yells , stomping toward their father to stand before him. Touya hates how much they look alike in this instant.

“She had to leave. I couldn’t let her live with us anymore. She was too unstable, she might have hurt one of us next.” Enji explains, his voice calm and collected, a complete contrast to his tightening hold on Touya. He might break his forearm soon.

But Touya doesn’t really care about his arm right now. Because what he just heard his father say is exactly what his mother told him this morning. Like she was reciting something someone else told her. She didn’t choose to leave. She was forced to.

“I sent her to the psychiatric ward in Fujitani Hospital. It’s better this way. She’ll get the help she needs.” Continues Enji once he realizes that all of his children are staring at him in shock. “She won’t hurt anyone anymore.”

Bullshit.

“She’s not the one that needs to be kept away from us. It’s you!” snarls Touya, shoving his father away with his other hand. Enji, clearly not expecting his own son to react this way, releases his hold of Touya’s other arm to stop himself from hitting the wall behind him. Only his siblings gasping can be heard in the house.

“She became like this because you pushed her in a corner! She didn’t know what to do against you anymore! You made her feel trapped! Scared in her own house!”

Enji’s eyes bore into his’, anger distorting his face. Touya hopes he looks at least twice as angry as him. He can see by the corner of his eye Natsuo getting closer, but Touya waves him away, hoping to keep his father’s fury on him only. He knows what to expect in the future for his defiance. He wouldn’t wish it on his siblings. He steps even closer to Enji, having to crane his head back to continue to stare in his eyes.

“Everything is all your fault. I’ll remind you everyday. I’ll make you feel the same hell you made mom and I feel for years.” Touya promises.

He’s pretty sure the only reason he didn’t get hit right away was because of Fuyumi and Natsuo standing not too far behind him. He would not get lucky again.

Touya’s life at home went back to being painful and lonely after this day. Shoto was brought back home the next day, half of his face and his arm wrapped in bandages, but he wouldn’t look at anyone. He stayed clear of his siblings, keeping his eyes downcast constantly. It only made Enji’s life easier at keeping all of his children away from the others. He also did try his best to hit Touya in places that were easily hidden or explainable if anyone saw the bruises. Touya really didn’t mind it if he could keep his brothers and sister from hurting. He mostly stopped going outside at night, not because he wanted but more because he was scared something bad would happen to his siblings if he wasn’t close. He made sure to work hard at school, not missing a single class and having some of the best grades in every class he had. When he was asked by his teachers why the sudden change of attitude, he would fidget with his pen, staring at his desk saying something along the lines of “If I don’t have good grades, my father will send me away like he did my mother.” Sometimes he’d “mindlessly” roll his sleeves up to “unintentionally” show his bruises while talking to adults. Everytimes, his teachers would contact the principal, worried for Touya’s life at home but it usually went nowhere in the end. Touya would get slapped the moment his father was alone with him, punishing him for making people worry for him for “no good reasons.” Touya would just laugh, blood pooling in his mouth.

Fuyumi had always been a very smart girl but she started struggling with her grades after their mother was sent away. She tried her best during her class to take notes and ask questions so she wouldn’t get behind everyone else. She spent most of her lunch time in the library doing as many assignments as she could with a mostly empty stomach. Still, even through all of that, she never had the time to do all her homework before the end of the school day. 

The moment she stepped inside the house, she had to start preparing food for her family. Once the food was done, she had to take care of the dishes. Sweep the floor. Clean the house. She usually wasn’t done until late at night, while their father had already fallen asleep. Touya and Natsuo did try to help her as much as they could but they had to wait until their father wasn’t looming over her to do so. He would block their way, telling them that it was “Fuyumi’s job” to take care of the house. Natsuo thought it was stupid. Touya called it a bullshit reason. Shoto did try to help her once, but it didn’t take long before their father dragged him away from her, telling Shoto that he should focus on his study instead of wasting his time doing chores.

One night, Touya tried to sneak out of his room to go take Fuyumi’s place so she could go back into her own room to finish her homework. Getting closer to the kitchen, he started hearing Enji's voice.

“Is it really that important, Fuyumi? Your grades are suffering. I can see the effort you put into not failing but you seem to always be exhausted. Maybe school isn’t for you.”

Touya has half a mind to step into the room to punch him, but before he could take a single step, Fuyumi answers her father.

“I really like school, though. I love learning. I love seeing my friends. I’m struggling because I have to come home and do chores instead of focusing on school. If I had help to make food, clean and take care of the house, I would be able to study and have better grades.”

“I don’t think anything you’re learning at school would help you in the future. Isn’t it a waste of your-”

“I’m sorry, father, but I want to become a teacher later. So yes, what I'm learning at school is very important. It should be a good enough reason for me to continue. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I still have to clean the bathroom floor before going to bed.” Fuyumi says, the sound of a single chair scraping against the floor letting Touya know that maybe he shouldn’t stay in the middle of the hallway. 

He barely has the time to take a step back when Fuyumi sees him. She looks surprised to see him for a second before she schools her face and gently grabs his arm to lead him to the bathroom with her. Once the door is firmly shut behind them, she throws herself in Touya’s arms, her face pushing painfully into Touya’s collarbone. He squeezes her in his arms, ignoring the growing wet spot on his shirt collar and rubs his hands on her back, feeling her shake in his arm. They stay in this position for a single minute before she takes a step back, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and turning around to start cleaning. They work twice as fast together, the only sound in the small bathroom being the sound of scrubbing and Fuyumi’s sniffle. Neither of them mention what happened before. Natsuo and Shoto don’t need to know about this.

Natsuo spent most of his time outside of the house. He joined as many clubs as humanly possible, even joining some after school programs to spend as little time as he could at home. He realized that if he came back home during the evening, Fuyumi had to cook one less meal and Touya didn’t have to spend his entire time making sure that Natsuo was safe. He quit most of the clubs once he realized it just wasn't for him but at least he tried. He talked to the adults who took care of those groups about his father, about how scared he felt everyday at home, but they knew who his father was and they either didn't believe him or couldn’t go against Enji Todoroki.He did try telling his father once what he was doing after school but his father cut him off mid-explanation to tell him that Natsuo could do whatever he wishes, he simply didn’t care. Natsuo would lie if he said it didn’t hurt at least a little bit, but he redirected his pain toward his goal. The days he didn’t have anything planned, he took the train to go to Fujitani Hospital, asking to see his mother. 

It always went nowhere. Only Enji had the right to visit her, even if Natsuo tried again and again to let the receptionist know that his father’s abuse of her sent her here. Most of the time, he got an apology from the receptionist but still no entry. He almost got security called on him once after he asked a different receptionist.

Seeing that it just wouldn’t work, Natsuo then refocused his energy on tending to Touya’s various injuries and bruises. He would never tell anyone but he learned from one of his new friends he made at one of the clubs how to lockpick. He only used his newfound knowledge on the infirmary room since the nurse was only present twice a week. It was a total mystery to him why her stash of bandages and cooling pad kept being empty.

Shoto stopped talking altogether. At school or at home, the youngest kept his mouth shut, even when his father screamed at him to behave. But he never got hit. Because in Enji’s eyes, Shoto had to be the perfect heir to his legacy. Hitting him could make him turn out just like the failure that was Touya. So even if Shoto constantly felt scared in the presence of his father, if Enji's attention was on him, no one else had to be hurt. It worked most of the time, until Touya decided to upset their father so he could spend his anger on him and no one else. Shoto was pretty sure that Touya somehow knew when their father was about to blow up and purposefully angered him so he was the only one to get hurt. It made Shoto upset, but if both of them can somehow keep their father from bothering Fuyumi and Natsuo, then Shoto was willing to do this dance for the rest of his life. He still didn’t talk to his siblings, but he kept a little notebook on him to communicate with them. He sometimes hummed or softly laughed, but these were the only noises they were able to get out of him before he curled back into himself and went even quieter. They tried coaxing Shoto into telling them, writing them, why he suddenly stopped talking but most of the time, he only shook his head and went back into his room. 

It’s Fuyumi that finally gets the answer. She’s the only one, except their father, to have the right to go into Shoto’s room, to clean it. Even so, Enji stays positioned in the doorway, keeping his eyes trained on his daughter to “make sure she wouldn’t do something stupid”. Shoto is rarely in the room while she cleans, but he stubbornly stayed on his bed while she was going around his bedroom this time. He waited until Fuyumi was blocking Enji’s view of him to shove a piece of paper in Fuyumi’s hands. When she recalls it to Touya and Natsuo later, she tells them she clearly heard Shoto whisper the word “keep” to her. On the piece of paper is written a single sentence. I feel guilty for mom.

The next time they’re all together at the table, Touya asks for Shoto’s notebook, which Shoto gives reluctantly. The notebook then goes around the entire table, skipping Enji who looks at them confused. Later, while Shoto lies in his bed, he looks at what his siblings wrote in his notebook.

“I feel guilty for mom, too. I miss her.”

“I also feel guilty for mom. We’ll see her again.”

“I think we all feel guilty for mom. We’ll get through this together.”

They spent years in this cycle, Touya making his father’s life difficult, Fuyumi taking care of the house while studying hard, Natsuo spending hours outside of the house trying to find help, Shoto keeping their father’s attention away from everyone else. They hope, one day, that this will all end.

A few days after Touya’s eighteenth birthday, he’s woken up by the afternoon sun streaming through a crack in his blinds. He celebrated with his siblings in secret the night before, Fuyumi having made a small cake they shared together, whispering and laughing between them until late at night. Once Touya had made sure everyone else had fallen asleep, he got out of the house to walk around town. He spent the last few days waiting nervously for his father to hit him everytime he would talk back at him but his father's only reaction had been a twitch of his eyebrow at one of Touya’s insults. He thought spending time with people outside of his family would calm him down, but weirdly enough, no one in his “friend” group was at the park. He waited an entire hour before giving up and going back home. The nervous pit in his stomach wouldn’t leave. 

Once fully awake, he got up from his bed, rubbing his hands on his face to get rid of the tiredness he was feeling. He really overslept, his stomach grumbling for having skipped breakfast and maybe even lunch. His father probably gave him a break for his birthday. But it didn't make sense. Touya’s birthday was a couple of days ago. There was no way Enji was letting Touya get away with his bad attitude. He stepped out of his room, listening to any noise telling him where his father was. He could hear Fuyumi, Natsuo and Enji in the kitchen. All of them having lunch together? There was something wrong going on. He walked slowly, apprehending what kind of mood Enji would be in today, hoping that today’s punch wouldn’t be twice as painful to compensate for the previous few days. Whatever they were talking about stopped the moment Touya stepped foot inside the kitchen. His father, sitting at his spot at the head of the table, looked up at Touya and gestured to Touya’s seat.

“We have to talk.”

“Is it about mom?” Touya asked, fully knowing there was no way it was that. He just liked to remind Enji of his mother. As soon as he lets himself fall on his chair, Enji speaks up.

“No, it’s about you.” grumbles Enji, his fists clenched on the table. Fuyumi’s eyes grow wide.

“What’s wrong with Touya?” she stutters, her fingers wrapped tightly around her cup of tea.

“Are you also getting rid of me? Can’t deal with the failure that is your oldest son?” suggests Touya, leaning away on his chair, a huge condescending smile on his face.

“Yes, in fact. I’m sending you away.”

You could hear the wind blowing outside, slightly shaking the windows. It took a couple of seconds before Natsuo stood up from his chair quickly, making it crash to the floor. At the very least, the loud noise snapped the others back to reality. His sister releases her hold of her cup to put a hand on Touya’s. Shoto scoots his chair closer to Touya, taking Touya’s other hand in his.

“It doesn’t make sense! You can’t do this!” Yells Natsuo, slamming both of his hands on the table.

“What do you mean you’re sending Touya away?” 

Fuyumi’s question and Natsuo’s outbursts are completely ignored by their father, his attention fixed on his oldest son sitting in front of him.

“You and I clearly don’t see eye to eye anymore…”

“We never did,” interrupts Touya. His father continues on.

“...I’ve thought long and hard about it and you’re old enough to take care of yourself now. It would be better this way for the both of us.”

“You’re a coward! Touya doesn’t deserve to be kicked out of the house!” Snaps Natsuo, stepping to the side to get closer to his older brother.

“Father, you can’t send Touya away!” cries Fuyumi, standing up to step closer to Touya, putting a hand on her brother’s shoulder.

“I can and I will. Now all of you shut up!” he yells, slamming both of his hands on the table. He glares at Fuyumi and Natsuo before turning his eyes back to Touya. “You’re leaving tomorrow for Hyogo…” 

“That’s so far away!” Cries Fuyumi, her hand squeezing Touya’s shoulder.

“Tomorrow? Are you insane?” Says Natsuo, turning his head to look at Touya’s reaction.

He feels numb.

“...I already paid two months of rent for an apartment there. The school has already been notified that you’re stopping your studies.”

“Why are you doing this?” Touya whispers, feeling the panic crawl in his throat. Is there really nothing he can do to stay with his brothers and sister? If only he woke up earlier today. He’d have more time with them. He did wish for his shitty life at home to end, but not at the price of losing his siblings.

“Like I said, it’ll be better for the both of us. The decision has been made already…”

“You didn’t ask anyone else’s opinion!” Natsuo interrupts their father again, his face red from anger.

“Shut your mouth before I make you!” Snaps Enji, finally losing his composure. He stands up from his chair, the legs scrapping on the floor making all of his children flinch.

“It’s alright Natsuo. I’ll leave.” Touya declares before his father can even think of hurting Natsuo. “I’ll start packing up my things. No one has to hurt anyone.” He says, staring in Enji’s eyes. “No one has to be hurt anymore.”

“Agreed.” Enji’s eyes never strays from Touya’s. He isn’t sure if he can believe he will hold his promise, but he can’t think of anything else he can do or say to change his mind.

“Can I have their help to pack my things?” he asks, looking at Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shoto one after the other, all of them looking resigned to his fate.

“Shoto should study for his upcoming test.”

“I think he can deal with not studying for a day.” replies Touya, already standing up from his chair, his hand still held by his youngest brother.

Enji doesn’t have anything to say against it, so he simply leaves the kitchen in the direction of his office. Touya doesn’t wait to hear the office’s door close to gently tug Shoto behind him, followed closely by Fuyumi and Natsuo. They’re all silent on the way to his room, each of them preparing themselves for an exhausting day. Once his bedroom’s door fully closes behind Natsuo, Fuyumi lets herself fall to her knees, hiding her face in her hands to cry. Natsuo rubs his hand on her back, beckoning Touya and Shoto closer so they can all hug each other. They stay in a mess of limbs and tears for a while, knowing that their time together is only getting shorter. Touya pats Natsuo’s back after some time, a silent way for him to tell them that they better get moving.

What follows is Fuyumi gently folding every single piece of clothing Touya can manage to bring in his small luggage, smoothing her hands on everything to remove creases only visible to her eyes and Natsuo running out of the room every five minutes to go grab something Touya might need while living alone like a first-aid kit he lovingly makes himself or a few tools he steals from his father’s toolbox. Touya really tries to pack his things, but one of his hands is stuck in Shoto’s clenched hand. His younger brother simply doesn’t want to let go of his hand. It takes them the entire rest of the day to pack his things, stuffing his clothes in every corner they can find, essentially destroying Fuyumi’s entire work. Once he’s satisfied with what he packed, having to leave almost half of his things here because he doesn’t have the space to bring everything in his luggage and his school backpack, he sits down on his bed, his eyes filling with tears looking at Shoto standing in front of him, Fuyumi and Natsuo standing behind him.

“Thanks for the help, guys…” he smiles weakly, tears finally falling after trying to hold them in the entire day. He squeezes Shoto’s hand once, twice before taking a deep breath to stop his throat from closing up. It hurts to leave them behind. But he has to let them know, even if his throat is tight and his sight is becoming blurry. 

“I don't know what I’ll do without you.”

They all throw themselves on Touya, crying and reassuring him that they’ll keep in touch. They’ll send him letters, they’ll pester their father to get his address. They promise to go visit him as often as possible. That surely, this thing won’t stop them from being a family. 

For him, Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shoto truly are his only family. Surely he won’t leave them behind.