Chapter Text
With sounds of the river running and a slight breeze moving her hair, seulgi stands outside the hospital with thoughts spiraling after searching for jaeyi all day just to find her at the hospital like nothing happened. Her heart is pounding from either excitement or anxiety after the nurse told her to leave without jaeyi stepping in to say it was okay like before. Odd. Surely jaeyi will come outside to see seulgi, so she waits outside for what seems like forever wringing her sweaty hands together. Seulgi is thinking about what their next move is. After resisting all of jaeyis attempts to tear down seulgis walls, seulgi finally opened her heart and let her in. Suelgi trusted her now, completely. Seulgi would never tell jaeyi this because shes still a little ashamed to have let her in at all. Jaeyi is the smartest person she knows, surely jaeyi has felt the jaeyi shaped hole in the walls suelgi is always carefully hidden behind. Suelgi can feel jaeyis presence before she hears her footsteps. As seulgi turns and sees jaeyi she starts to run towards her with a huge smile filled with relief, happy to see her after searching for her for so long. "Don't come any closer." Jaeyi says firmly in a tone that she has never used with Seulgi before. Seulgi has heard how jaeyi can be when talking to other people. Hard, cold, and scary. But always only soft and gentle with her. Seulgis feet immediately stop in place at hearing that command and her smile falters. "I haven't been able to reach you, I've been worried" seulgi says wanting jaeyi to know how much she cares about her. She looks at jaeyi expectantly waiting for an explanation. "Why haven't you been coming to school? is it really because you aren't feeling well?" Seulgi feels her stomach drop at the thought of jaeyi being too sick to come to school. She needs the reassurance that jaeyi is healthy and okay. Seulgi has gotten used to jaeyis warmth in the desk right next to her for almost the whole year. At the beginning seulgi tried to switch seats, and didn't want to sit next to jaeyi only sensing that it would bring trouble. Oh how things have changed and now seulgi couldn't bear the thought of jaeyis seat beside her staying empty for another day leaving seulgi feeling cold. Maybe it's because seulgi hasn't seen her in a few days or maybe it's the lighting, but she is thinking how beautiful jaeyi is and how much she has come to mean to seulgi. Seulgi misses her, and yearns to feel the warmth from jaeyi she always feels when jaeyi genuinly smiles at her. Seulgi knows she's the only one who gets to see jaeyi with her walls down...that smile belongs only to seulgi. The longer seulgi is in jaeyis presence the more she feels calm, at peace. Not knowing when it happened but just being around jaeyi was enough to bring a sense of peace....and maybe of safety for the first time in her life. All of these thoughts and feelings seem to wash over seulgi and drown her but the girl who she has come to love, the girl who gives her the oxygen to breath even when shes drowning is standing 10 feet away. "How did someone as dumb as you get first place" jaeyi said with no emotion but the raise of her eyebrows. Suelgi stopped breathing, surely hearing what she said incorrectly. Confused, all suelgi could manage was "What?". "You still don't get it? Why do you think I let someone like you follow me around?" Jaeyi goes on to say. Understanding dawns on Suelgi. Oh, jaeyis dad is watching. Jaeyi is saying this so it looks like they are on opposite sides again. Seulgi schools her expression to play along but her eyes wander around trying to find where the camera could be hidden that is recording them. "Seulgi ah" jeayi says finally walking closer seulgi. "You're like a litmus test. You were used to prove my father crime." Jaeyi stops a foot away from suelgi, she is close enough that the breeze is carrying jaeyis perfume and seulgi breaths in the familiar scent which brings her some comfort. She continues "watching my dad see you as a thorn in his side, making life difficult for you....do you know how fun that was?" Jaeyis face breaking into a smile when she finished saying this. Seulgi understands needing to convince jaeyis father but damn.....jaeyi is really good at this. Feeling her throat close up and feeling the familiar burn of needing to cry but holding it in, seulgi continues to look at anywhere but jaeyi. "Yah!!" Jaeyi yells, seulgis eyes finally snap to jaeyis. "There are no more cameras recording, there's no more games, and there's no more "teaming up against my big bad dad" Seulgi ya" she says as if she's holding in a laugh. Seulgi slolwy processes what jaeyi just said before her heart drops into her stomach...... Seulgi has flashbacks to every betrayal before this but nothing that's happened before this could damage her the way this was about to and so she tries to brace herself for what comes next. Seulgi could feel herself start to break but then the immediate disassociation took over to protect herself from feeling what she knew would be the biggest heart break she's ever felt. Exhaling, seulgis head dropped, eyes glazed, "i see........." seulgi tries again to swallow the lump in her throat, looking up at jeayi though her vision is a bit blurred from the tears starting to form. "Stop talking" seulgi begs of jaeyi. She hears herself talk but doesn't quite understand how she's saying anything because she feels out of her body now. Jaeyi fully smiling now ignores her plea, "oh right, there's something I've been really curious about...you didn't actually think I was on your side did you?" Jaeyi asks like she is talking about the weather, too casual. As if everything that is happening isn't breaking seulgis heartinto pieces, the heart jaeyi unknowingly helped put back together. Or, put together with the intent of shattering it past recognition. Seulgi can physically feel her heart breaking as jaeyi takes verbal swings at it everytime she talks. Seulgi can't believe this is real, looking into the eyes of a jaeyi who seems to be a bit amused by the whole thing. Seulgi takes another deep breath clawing for oxygen but seemly there is no more left. "Think about it, selling you drugs, stealing Mr. Woos phone, convincing you to cover up the body swap.....I did all of that" jaeyi counts on her fingers lastly pointing to herself like she's gloating. Seulgi can do nothing but feel the weight of everything finally settle on her shoulders, somehow still numb but feeling a hurt she's never felt before. She would take the cigarette burn or the knife slashing her shoulder a thousand times over this.....because compared to this those were easy. Just physical pain, she could heal that. This? She might not be able to because this was the kind of pain that stayed with you forever. Suelgi did fall for it. She fell for jaeyi even though she fought it every step of the way. Jaeyi getting rid of kim na ri? Jaeyi stitching her up after the school anniversary? Jaeyi saving her at the bus station from being framed for selling drugs? So many more things jaeyi did and seulgi had felt protected and cared for....how could she not believe jaeyi was on her side. How could she not fall in love with yoo jaeyi. As if hearing all of seulgis thoughts and feelings, jaeyi let out a similar laugh as she did when she forced Kim na ri to her knees on the bathroom floor. That laugh ripping the final heart string of seulgis heart. "Yeah there were a few close calls. I was worried about what I'd do if you found out. But you fell for it so easily" jaeyi using the last heart string to tie the metaphorical noose around seulgis neck cutting off any last chance to breathe. If only jaeyi knew, how hard seulgi had fought. To not fall. It was the furthest thing from easy. Jaeyi continues, "i was so relieved" she pauses taking a breath of fresh air like pretending to care about seulgi was suffocating and she was finally free of it. Seulgi feels sick and jaeyi steps closer putting her hand out like she wanted to shake her hand and say good game. Jaeyis hand hovered for a second or two before seulgi takes it. Only then does jaeyis smile falter first surprised then hurt cracking through the facade but seulgi doesn't see it because her eyes are down on their hands. Seulgi didn't tell herself to do this, she's on autopilot but she guesses her body wanted to feel jaeyis hand in hers one more time because after this? She doesn't know what is going to happen. Suddenly seulgis knees find the hard concrete with a faint bite of pain but she barely acknowledges it. Her fingers slowly lacing themselves through jaeyis with her head bowed over her knees she doesn't know what else to do. Jaeyi has schooled her face into neutral but she can feel her eyes burning as she looks down at seulgi by her feet and their fingers intertwined for what could be the last time. Jaeyi has to hold back everything in her to not pull seulgi up and brush off her knees. Something breaks in jaeyi to see seulgi on her knees but Jaeyis almost done and this has to be believable. Jaeyi explained to Seulgi one time that she loved scuba diving because she felt hidden and safe from the world. Seulgi doesnt know that she became jaeyis ocean. An escape from all the pain her father caused and expectation from the world. Seulgi was jaeyis freedom. It was jaeyis turn to give seulgi the same and set her free from herself and her father. She's almost through with this. A few more minutes before she can escape from the torture of breaking both their hearts. Jaeyi has no choice. The last part of her plan she has to do alone, seulgi cant be involved anymore. Remembering her dad's hands around her throat doesn't scare her, but the threat of her dad's hands around seulgis does. For just a second jaeyi has a longing, knowing look as she sees the back of seulgis head as she thinks "in another life".
"Tell me" seulgi begs, barely above a whisper "that you don't mean it, that it was real" Jaeyi shakes her head up and down with a hopeless sad not quite smile and nobody sees it but the stars. Jaeyi doesn't know if Seulgi is referring to the fact that Jaeyi is very much in love with her or that Jaeyi was on Seulgis side the answer to both is yes.... Jaeyi turns the corner of her mouth up to ease the ache of tears in the back of her throat. She has to end this now, if jaeyi stays any longer she will break and drop to her knees with Seulgi. And jaeyi will break from this, but she has to do it alone and away from seulgi.
Seulgi tilts her head up squinting through tears to see jaeyis neutral expression staring straight ahead, like shes above her and no longer can even stand to look down at seulgi. Seulgi sees dismisal, resignation, disappointment, ....abandonment. Seulgi swears the time has frozen with her on her knees on the ground begging or praying that she will wake up soon from this cruel nightmare...silently begging but laced with innocent wanting for jaeyi. She bows her head like in prayer to a god that doesn't want her anymore. Breathing out a whisper "you promised" referencing a past shared moment. Jaeyi is completely silent thinking that this is how she keeps her promise. Jaeyi lets herself imagine she could drop to her knees and seal that promise with a kiss but instead a ghost squeeze with her fingers is the best she can do. Seulgi isn't sure if she imagined or not before jaeyi pulls her hand back like shes disgusted from being touched by seulgi for too long. The black shoes jaeyi is wearing start to move, turning away leaving the wreckage behind her, but stops a few steps away as if deciding if she needs to destroy Seulgi anymore. Seulgis breathing stops, numbing out the last bit of consciousness. The tears burning in seulgis eyes drop causing dark wet spots on the concrete and seulgi is bent over in what feels like the endless passage of time. Seulgi has never understood love, maybe its because in the orphanage it was never given freely, and she thought she was starting to understand love because of jaeyi only for it to never have been real. One thing seulgi now understands about love is that it hurts if you have it and it hurts if you dont.
Anything would have been better. Seulgis mind starts telling her that she made it all up. The love she and jaeyi shared, but the empty space in her chest tells her she didn't. "Ill be okay" seulgi mutters quietly and repeatedly sounding slightly crazy and seulgi doesn't know if it's an attempt to convince herself or an attempt to save face in front of jaeyi. Seulgi doesnt hear "I know you will" as jaeyi said it too quitetly and the wind carried off the last thing she would say before striding into the hospital without looking back. Seulgi thinks of how it would've been better to never had met jaeyi. But if seulgi is being honest with herself, she doesn't even remember what her life was like without jaeyi in it. Jaeyi had an all consuming presence, lacing herself through every part of seulgi in a way that made her inexplicable. Seulgi faintly registers that it starts to rain, slowly soaking her back. Shes been here before, lying on the ground in pain unable to get herself to move but this time is worse. Finally, the lack of oxygen hits seulgi as she let's out shuddering breaths and the nothingness of herself not being enough is what was too much before she passes out.