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Azu was leaning over a familiar balcony. It was cool outside, and the wind blew against her as she leaned over the railing a little, staring up at the blanket of stars above. The wood creaked beneath her feet as she occasionally shifted her weight.
There was a cigarette between her fingers, lazily drifting into the air each time she took a drag. Azu was tired, but not tired enough to sleep. She often came out here to this secluded balcony to think.
No students, from any house, ever came here. Especially not this late. It was easy to avoid any people she didn’t want to see. And it let her think. There was a lot to think about, but the same things always came to mind.
The empty wine bottles she’d sometimes find in the dead hallways of the academy, or the drops of blood along with them. That or the trouble Zirosk would constantly cause her.
That thought made her gaze drift to her wrist, despite wearing a turtleneck there was a small bit of bandage that was visible that led beneath, all the way up her forearm. Zirosk had fought her again to try and prove she was the stronger one, yet Azu won. Though, her expression still faded to a long one that held annoyance. It didn’t make the interaction or Zirosk herself any less annoying.
Azu put the cigarette between her lips again and let out an exasperated sigh. Then she closed her eyes and slumped a little. She really hated this place a lot of the time, and she was tired. So for just a little, she relaxed. She let the cold wind blow over her like a flower in the wind.
For maybe a minute or two. Until there were heavy footsteps behind her that she failed to notice. The person leaned over her for a moment before they sighed.
“Fraulein.”
That was Eshrin, and it took Azu a second to register until he tried to nudge her and she jerked up, barely catching her lighter that almost fell from her pocket and down to the ground below.
Eshrin chuckled, it was raspy and sharp, as always. It spiraled into a slight wheeze and he coughed before shaking his head.
“So easy to scare. What are you thinking about out here, hmm?”
His words were a little quiet, and slurred. It was a miracle she could understand him because combining that with his heavy German accent made it very hard.
He ruffled her hair before she could respond, his sharp nails roughly scratching her head. It stung a little, but she never admitted that.
“Thinking.” She mumbled, still off-put. “Why are you here?”
Eshrin seemed to think, watching her as she leaned over again, but instead against the railing to face him. He didn’t exactly know why he was out here. So, he shrugged.
“Can never sleep, I guess.”
Azu didn’t seem surprised and rather expectant. She only nodded a little bit, looking at him curiously as she crossed her arms and took a drag of her cigarette.
“Can I steal one of those from you?”
Eshrin gestured at the cigarette with a shaky hand, smirking gently at her. His hands always shook. She, in response, tossed him her pack of cigarettes. He pulled out his lighter and flicked it on, struggling to light the cigarette with how much his hands shook. It was humiliating almost, and it caused him to mutter a string of curses in German.
Azu would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so intimidating. She had a hard time telling what he thought of her. He was the leader of the house she was stuck in, within this academy. He’d always been intimidating, and harsh. Yet with her, overtime after their darker past diluted, he’d become more like a friend. It was really strange.
She contemplated this as she watched him with her arms crossed.
Eshrin eventually lit his cigarette, sighing deeply as he took a drag. He muttered something akin to “damn hands.” Under his breath.
“I don’t like the cold. Terrible and unforgiving thing.” He said, loud enough to imply he was trying to have a conversation.
“Why?”
Eshrin paused and stared down at his cigarette, before glancing at her with a more uneasy expression and then looking down to the floor.
“Memories, I suppose.” He eventually said, hesitant in admitting that.
She raised an eyebrow as Eshrin looked at his hands for a second. She looked him up and down and could’ve swore that beneath his gloves there were scars underneath.
There was a thick silence for a moment, before Eshrin sighed deeply, flicking his cigarette over the railing. He walked over and leaned over it, facing out at the stars. Azu turned to look out at the scenery as well.
“Do you want to know?” He eventually mumbled, even quieter as he looked at her.
She nodded, turning to look at him again with obvious curiosity. It made Eshrin chuckle a little before he went deadpan.
“Do not tell a soul, you understand me girl?”
“Yes.” She mumbled quickly, not eager to test his patience.
He sighed deeply, almost shakily, like he was nervous. He slowly began, his nails impatiently clicking against the railing in an odd rhythm.
“My parents are very cruel and cold people. I pray you never have to meet them. Within my childhood, they favored my older brother.”
“It angered me. I tried to prove my worth countless times and nothing ever sufficed, they only abused me more. Verbal or physical, it didn’t matter.
His nails were digging into his palms as he spoke, he seemed annoyed by the memory, but also still nervous. Azu didn’t dare say a word, her eyes widening.
“There was a breaking point for me. I regret it. I did not want to harm my brother. Yet when everything shattered beneath me, I attacked him. Because he was the closest. I clawed his eye, he still has a scar. I felt great guilt for it.”
His tone turned solemn, his words got more slurred as well. Clearly he’d drank too much, but it also let him not care.
“I never resented him, you know. I just felt a twisted sense of envy. Bitterness, really. I could never be rid of it as a child.”
“Anyhow, my father and mother discovered my actions very quickly. My mother was simply hateful, yet my father…”
He paused, his gaze growing distant and almost fearful as his nails clicked against the railing faster.
Azu was watching the unfold, uneasy. These moments really made him seem so unhinged. She could see blood on one of his sleeves. He continued.
“He dragged me outside, into the snow. It was dark out and he looked at me. Then, told me how much of a failure I was before locking the door in my face.”
“I banged on the door for hours. I wasn’t smart about it, I panicked. I was a child ridden by guilt and terrified of being hated and alone.”
“The longer I sat out there, the colder I got. My hands were riddled with frostbite by the time my father opened the door.”
“I’d been…crying. It was a rather unsightly thing.”
He paused again, shivering a little. The memory was unpleasant, yet Eshrin was drunk enough to be able to talk about it.
“He yanked me up by the collar, and looked at me with a dead gaze. It’s what made me realize that no matter what I did I would never appease him.”
“Then he said ‘If this ever happens again, either a bullet will be in your skull, or I won’t be letting you inside.’ And with that…he yanked me inside so hard I hit the floor.”
He sighed, taking a shuddering breath and looking at his rather shocked student with a bitter chuckle.
“You look like a ghost, Fraulein.”
Azu had no idea what to say. Just stood in silence. She looked empathetic, though. It was in her expression. Not pity, but understanding. Eshrin appreciated that.
“See now…”
Eshrin pulled off his fingerless gloves, revealing callous hands covered in frostbite scars. His hands were still shaking and he swiftly wiped a bit of blood from his sleeve in an effort to conceal it. He was a man of many secrets.
Azu noticed it all, she was very perceptive. But she just knew he wouldn’t tell her if she asked. She didn’t see a point in prying, it would only anger him. And in truth she was still scared of his anger subconsciously. It was a product of his previous treatment of her.
“Terrible scars no? Made me hate the ice and snow. I’m sick of it.”
He swiftly placed the gloves back on his hands and sighed, nudging her a little hard.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Fine.” She mumbled in response, a little unfocused.
Eshrin looked at the clock that was visible inside from the balcony. It was midnight.
“That’s enough of my stories, don’t repeat them.”
He stared at her for a moment longer, his gaze getting just a bit softer as he contemplated something before giving her a half smile.
“And get some sleep at some point.”
And with that, he left. His heavy boots made the floors creak as they faded away. Azu turned back to the railing and lit another cigarette, staring at nothing. She was left to contemplate what she just learned.
Why would he tell her that? She didn’t know. It almost felt like a death omen.
She glanced out at the hallway he left through, seeing drops of blood on the floor. He was bleeding still…
She had a sinking feeling that it was his own doing. A part of her always assumed he harmed himself. Despite what he had asked of her, she wouldn’t be sleeping after that. The vivid image of what he described was now burned in her mind.
She turned away, leaning over the railing again.
And with that, she’d waste the night away thinking about it. Throughout that thinking, she always came to the same conclusion.
She didn’t understand any of it.