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“Why do you look so rigid all the time? It’s just us, Netsu.”
Ciao had a soft smile on his face as he sat across from one of his counterparts, Netsu. The leader of her own house in the academy and a fiercely independent woman. He was always secretly impressed by her, but a little too shy to express it properly. He was looking at her with curious eyes as he leaned forward in his chair.
Netsu in contrast, looked stiff. She was eyeing him up and down. He was so kind that it made her sick sometimes, though it made him very easy to read. She averted her eyes with a scoff and folded her arms. To her the tension was thick, yet Ciao looked so carefree. She almost envied it, though a bigger part of her thought it was idiotic.
“Never let your guard down, Fiorona.”
Hearing her call him by his last name in such a strict tone made him a little disappointed in truth. Him and Netsu were much closer when they were both students. He wasn’t quite sure what she thought of him now, although when he looked at her he felt pride and something else. Something that made him a little nervous as he laced his fingers together and absentmindedly fiddled with them, giving her his full attention.
She was always so wary, even with him. He could see it in her eyes, like a feral animal waiting to get ambushed. He pushed down his sorrows over various things regardless.
“I suppose I shouldn’t.”
They both sat in silence for what felt like hours. Netsu was tense, waiting for the moment when everything would unravel. Ciao in contrast just didn’t know what to say, and was a little sheepish because of it.
Netsu had been glancing around the office, calculating everything. There were shelves of books, neatly organized papers. A clean desk. The neatness of the office almost reminded her of Merona and the thought made her want to roll her eyes.
Her eyes caught a picture of her and Ciao as students. She had no idea he still kept a picture like that, and her eyes lingered on it. She almost softened, but quickly put her walls back up with a sigh. She looked back at Ciao.
He’d been looking at the floor for some time now, he felt awkward staring. Netsu was somewhat amused, thinking about the fact that he hadn’t changed much since he was a child despite being stronger. Still benevolent and cowardly. She let her eyes linger on him for a few seconds, and he fidgeted a little. To Ciao her gaze felt so critical, it was uncomfortable. It was like being under a knife almost. The thought made him cringe. He shot her a questioning look.
For some reason the longer she looked the more she wanted to relax. She glanced around the office again, and at the picture, and then it hit her how comforting this place was. It made her feel nostalgic.
Ever since she’d become a house leader, she was confident she couldn’t trust anyone outside of her house. She had to be guarded at all times. Yet…deep in her heart, she’d never stopped trusting him. She cursed herself mentally before letting her gaze fall and tightening her grip on her arms.
She chuckled after a second, Ciao was almost uneasy. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, though he was looking at her again now as she suddenly rolled her eyes.
“You’re such a summer child, you know that?”
“I-“
Ciao let his face turn a little pink. She was teasing him like she used to? God Netsu confused him. He sighed and covered the bottom half of his face with his hand.
“I’m not a child.” He muttered, internally burning up at his childishness when he responded to her. This wasn’t what he was expecting and on top of that it was humiliating.
“You’re as innocent as a child.” She retorted, letting a smile show on her face. A real smile. She’d allowed herself to let her walls down. She looked almost relaxed now, and was just teasing him.
“Please, have mercy on my pride.” He mumbled quietly. He couldn’t bring himself to retort, finding that her teasing held a hint of truth. He looked like an angel compared to the other house leaders, even if he wasn’t completely innocent. His heart of gold was truly unmatched in a place as cruel as this.
For some reason, he also didn’t want to ruin her relaxed mood. Even if she was still a little harsh as a result of how she changed, he found a familiar glint of kindness when he looked at her eyes. It only hit him now how much he’d been longing for it.
Netsu just chuckled softly again, finding it a little pathetic but also endearing. The mix of harshness and softness was contradictory, and in her head she was questioning why the softness was there. She didn’t let it fade though, just enjoyed the moment.
Something she’d forgotten how to do.
“Right, right, what little pride you have, virtuous soul.” She quipped, sounding almost poetic. She was smirking smugly, her gaze absent of the criticism from a few moments ago.
Ciao felt himself sigh and roll his eyes, a sweet smile gracing his face. Netsu envied that sweetness, how she wished hers remained when all was left was a cold heart, isolated from the warmth of being cared for and caring for others. She’d lost that spark after Verinska had changed.
A taste of betrayal had corrupted her, coating her in an inky black ichor that hid who she used to be.
She sighed, shaking herself out of her envious thoughts once Ciao snapped his fingers. He’d noticed that Netsu had zoned out and felt that pang of concern again.
Netsu’s walls returned, refusing to give him even a crack, not even a small opening for him to see her vulnerable. She didn’t want to make that mistake.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.”
She rose from her chair and folded her arms. Ciao noticed what felt like a sheet of ice over her eyes, a facade that hid her emotions. He cursed his perception and internally wished he was oblivious. He stood up as well as she stared at him for a moment longer before turning to leave.
Ciao felt himself wanting to say something, but the words wouldn’t come out of his throat. It was like a shackle prevented him from saying anything. He wanted to take her hand, call out, anything to see that familiar expression. He missed it, he missed it so dearly.
He didn’t want to feel like he’d been left behind in the past again, where everyone had changed without him.
But she’d already gone, mumbling a “goodbye” as she left, as as she slammed the door a weak sentence left Ciao’s mouth.
“Goodbye dear.”
He sighed and slumped in his desk as he heard her heavy footsteps fade away, they were full of tension like a coiled spring. He sighed deeply as he felt his head hit his desk.
“Ah, dammit…that was the closest I’ve gotten to her in weeks.”
Now that she was gone and he was left to brood in his thoughts, he felt the loneliness start to bleed from his heart again, scarred from the years of being in a place like this. He hated being so alone, the only thing that kept him going were the students who loved and looked up to him.
It was hard for him, he never turned to anything to shut off his brain like some of the others, so the thoughts never stopped. It was exhausting, yet his kindness never burnt out. Sometimes he felt like he was forever to be taken advantage of.
He almost forgot what it was like to have a give and take, to not be used or looked down upon. He hated thinking like that, but he couldn’t help it when he was alone.
He felt tears prick his eyes as these thoughts mixed with his failed attempt at gaining a friend once more. He let them fall in silence as he took his glasses off, letting his vision go blurry. He really couldn’t see a damn thing without them, but didn’t feel like he wanted to see much now. He just wanted to let his silent cries flow free.
A house leader who was so weak, it was a painful reality for him, but at the same time many felt that his empathy and compassion made him strong in a different way.
It was just so hard to believe when he was in so much pain.
When all he could think about is how she walked out the door, to him without even a second thought. Leaving him to drown himself in his insecurities.
It was almost like leaving a flower to wilt. The thought almost made him cry more, but he was too exhausted to keep crying.
Eventually he put his glasses back on and rubbed his eyes, trying to return himself to some kind of work. A small distraction from the pain of his life.
And so the cycle of coping continues.
Chipping away at his ever sweet smile bit by bit, like dagger after dagger was being plunged into his heart with every step he tried to take.
Yet no matter the pain, he couldn’t bring himself to give up.