Work Text:
I hate me now
I hate myself for not having butterflies
From some point,
My heart doesn’t react anymore
Hate me now
I wish your feelings would cool down
Those eyes that look at me
I wish there was no love in them
You feel sick to the stomach when you see those eyes looking at you with all the love and admiration in the world. And you hate how you feel absolutely nothing like how you’re supposed to upon being on the receiving end of that look. You can’t recall the exact moment you stopped feeling the butterflies in your stomach and your heart racing at a million miles a minute whenever you’re with her, but at some point along the way, you just stopped.
Stopped feeling.
Stopped loving.
Your feelings have changed, yet you still pretend that there is absolutely nothing wrong, because you just can’t bear the thought of hurting her like that. You’d just rather hurt and suffer by yourself in silence than have to deal her a pain you’re certain she would have an absolutely difficult time recovering from. You just wish she would stop looking at you like that, so you wouldn’t have to feel this miserable all the damn time.
It’s absolutely destroying you inside, how she can still be so, so in love with you when you’re here, the love and affection in your heart having long faded away. All that lingers now is the nostalgia of those feelings when you were still very much in love with her, and couldn’t imagine living a life without her by your side. It’s only the memories that make you feel now, and they only manage to make your heart clench painfully because your whole world used to revolve around her.
You absolutely abhor yourself, because she doesn’t deserve any of this at all. Yet you really can’t do anything about it, and it’s this feeling of helplessness that’s driving you to the brink of insanity sometimes.
You feel her shift beside you, slowly coming to consciousness. Her eyes slowly flutter open, and your heart plummets when you see the love in her gaze as soon as she lays eyes on your face. The corners of her lips tug up into a small smile, and you reach a hand up to sweep away the stray hairs on her face. You smile back, albeit a little forced, and take a moment to just stare at her face.
She’s beautiful. She’s very beautiful, and it’s this beauty that makes a lot of people fall for her. Too bad she fell in love with someone as vile as you. You lean forward a little to land a soft, lingering peck on her forehead and when you pull back, a smile also tugs at your lips when you see that she has closed her eyes.
Again, you think of how beautiful she looks, face devoid of any makeup and cheeks with a rosy tint to them. Your insides twist when you think of the old days, when just staring at her like this was enough to make you delirious with happiness and love.
Her eyes slowly flutter open once more, and when you see the loving look in her gaze again, the only thing you can think about is how much you wish that the love you see in those beautiful eyes of hers cease to exist.
Baby, you tell me
You love me, so brightly
I want to tell you, me too (no no no)
When you look at me
So warmly
Do you know that it’s already over? (sorry)
How can I say it?
When you’re still so happy
Whenever you’re with me?
How can I say it?
I can’t bear to tell you
That my heart has already left
Oh how can I say
It's a good day, with the clouds obscuring the bright rays of the sun and the wind blowing gently. She decides it's the perfect time to go for a stroll in the park and proceeds to drag you here. She's happy and excited because this is the first time you're spending time with each other like this in a while, what with you both being too busy with your own respective works the past couple of days.
The two of you decide to rest by a bench under the shade of a huge tree after a while, and she sits way too close to you. Your arm subconsciously wraps around her shoulder, and she then automatically cuddles into your side.
"I love you."
She says this so affectionately, so lovingly, that it makes you pause a bit before turning your head to look at her. She's looking at you warmly, like you're the one who hung the moon and the stars in the sky, and the knowledge that you're the only one allowed to see this side of her leaves you with a heart heavy with guilt. You want to tell her that you love her too, even if it is a lie. Besides, what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?
But your words get stuck in your throat, because you have always hated the thought of lying to her. So, you just opt to place a quick peck on the top of her head. It seems that the kiss was enough for her, as you hear a contented sigh fall from her lips as she snuggles further into your embrace.
You can't help but wonder, as you sat there on that bench with her snuggled against your side and her head tucked under your chin, if she has some inkling as to what the real state of your relationship is currently. Does she somehow have an idea that whatever the two of you have – your entire relationship and everything that you two built together over the years – is more than over by now?
What if you come clean to her about your feelings now? Will she be able to take it? Would it be for the best if you do tell her? Will she be able to forgive you eventually?
Questions start flooding your head, and it's starting to give you a headache. For how long will you be running away from the truth just to protect her from getting hurt? How long will you be able to stand all the lying and the pain and heartbreak? Doesn't she deserve to know the truth? Doesn't she deserve someone better than you?
You make up your mind right then and there to finally tell her everything. You will tell her everything despite the possibility of wrecking both her heart and yours. This is for the best, you tell yourself. But then she turns her head and she's looking up at you and there's this huge, innocent smile on her lips, her eyes shining with mirth and contentment – and you just can't do it. You can’t tell her.
You can't bear telling her the truth that your heart was already someplace else, somewhere far from here – far from her. Just how can you say this to her, when she's looking at you like that?
I hate me now
I hate myself for being like this
For feeling so comfortable
When I’m away from you
Hate me now
I wish you would figure it out
Don’t show me a smile
With those endlessly clear eyes
You can finally breathe again.
Here, lying on a bed thousands of miles away from her, you finally feel like you can breathe once more. Here, you don't feel the suffocating presence of her feelings. Here, you don't have to worry about pretending. Here, you can finally acknowledge freely that you're no longer in love with her. And you hate yourself for feeling so comfortable with all of this.
You hate how comfortable you are that she's not beside you, that she's not anywhere near your immediate vicinity. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth because here you are, very
thankful for being away from her, when you know and you're aware that she's most probably
missing you at this very moment while you're away on this business trip.
You were about to fall asleep when your phone chimes, signaling an incoming call. You didn't have to look at the caller ID to know that it's her. You've set your favorite song as your ringtone specifically for her, so you always know when it's her who's calling. With a sigh, you answer the call, faking a smile as best as you could so she won't notice.
"I miss you," she greets as soon as you pick up.
"Me too," is all you can respond with as you feel that familiar plummeting of your heart. She asks if the two of you could video call, and you agree almost immediately.
Her smiling face greets you first as soon as the call stabilizes, and you hate how your heart doesn't skip a beat anymore upon seeing that beautiful smile. She then proceeds to animatedly rant on about how her day went. And you would hum and respond at the appropriate moment to make it seem that you’re listening, when in truth, your mind is quite preoccupied.
There are times, especially recently, when you find yourself wishing that she'd somehow figure things out without you having to spell things out for her. It might be selfish of you, but you'd rather she find out for herself rather than you telling her that your relationship is completely unrequited now. You're broken from your thoughts when she lets out a rather loud yawn.
"It's getting quite late. Matulog na tayo?" you tell her.
She hums, and you see her shifting about the bed to make herself more comfortable. Her eyes are getting droopy, but there's still that adoring smile on her lips as she stared at your face through the screen.
"Okay. Good night, Col. I love you."
"Good night. L-love you too."
A tired sigh slips past your lips as you deposit all of your luggage beside the couch. It's already a quarter past one in the morning and you're very careful to make a noise lest you wake up the other occupant of the apartment. You let your tired body sag on the couch, groaning quietly as the weight is lifted off your feet.
You're suffering from jet lag and you're hungry, but you don't have enough energy to drag your feet to the kitchen to fix yourself a quick meal. Figuring that all you need is a bit of rest, you rest an arm over your eyes and let your exhaustion drive you to unconsciousness.
You're startled awake in what feels like a few hours later, by the sound of pans clanging and dishes banging against the countertop in the kitchen. You quickly bolt up from the couch, running towards the kitchen, thinking that somebody may have broken into your home.
You're still tired and a bit dizzy from the lack of sleep, and it's the first thought that came to mind
So, once inside the kitchen, finding the whole room in chaos and disorder, with your girlfriend in the middle of the mess, all you can do is sigh in relief at the knowledge that both of you are in no immediate danger.
But then it registers in your hazy mind that the whole kitchen is in chaos and Maloi is very much at fault. A deep frown settles on your lips as your brows furrow, turning towards her so you can pin her with a glare. She chuckles awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck with her left hand as she holds a spatula with the other.
You're tired and hungry and cranky, and this is what greets you first thing in the morning? You're honestly really upset and pissed, and not being in the right state of mind at the moment, you let your emotions get the better of you.
"Maloi naman! What the hell?! Diba sabi ko hindi ka pwedeng magluto ditto sa kusina? I'm so fucking tired from travelling on a fucking plane for hours and I need rest, and you're hear messing things up! For Pete’s sake! Can't you do anything useful for once?!"
You knew you've screwed up as soon as those words left your lips. And seeing Maloi's eyes brimming with tears, with a pained and broken and scared look in them, made you sick to your very core. You take a step towards her, apologies at the tip of your tongue, but she takes a quick step back.
Her breathing is shaky, no doubt from trying to hold her tears back, and she keeps her head hung low, unable to meet your gaze.
"Loi . . ."
"I'm s-sorry. I just – I figured you were tired from your trip . . . so I thought you'd like to eat something. I won't do this again, I'm sorry!"
She turns on her heels and runs out of the kitchen, and you can see the tears finally spilling from her eyes. Your heart twists and clenches painfully as you stand there, frozen in shock and disbelief. You can't believe you just did that to her. With shaky legs, you went after her to your shared bedroom, but she was nowhere in sight.
Then, you hear it. The sound of the shower running inside the bathroom. You walk closer towards it, turning the knob and finding it unlocked. Your heart breaks at the sight that greets you upon entry.
Maloi's sitting inside the tub, knees hugged tightly to her chest as her body wracked with her sobs, the shower soaking her through her clothes. You quickly walk to her, getting inside the tub behind her and gently gathering her in your arms. She doesn't fight you off and just lets you position her in your lap. You wrap your arms over hers and place soft, comforting kisses against her nape as she cries in your arms.
"I'm so sorry," you whisper repeatedly against her skin with every kiss.
And somehow, with what's happening with you lately, you bitterly think that your apology will never ever be enough.
Forgiveness comes easy after that mishap, and you still can't believe how quick she is to let go of everything and just forgive you after apologizing profusely. And you think it's extremely repulsive how you found yourself wishing that she somehow wouldn't forgive you and opt to take a break from your relationship. You swallow the bile that rose to your throat at that thought, and you mentally berate yourself for ever thinking about it.
The bed dips, breaking you from your thoughts, and you find yourself staring into Maloi's eyes as she crawls on the bed closer to you. Your brows furrow in confusion because there's just something off with the way Maloi is right now, but you can't put a finger on it. You're spared from having to rack your brain for any possible explanation when Maloi, who's finally reached you, captures your lips in a soft, quick kiss.
You're surprised, naturally so, because it’s been a while since the two of you have been physically affectionate with each other. There’s an unreadable look in her eyes when she pulls back, but before you can ask her what was wrong, she leans down and begins to pepper your face with kisses.
You used to love it when she did this, because her kisses used to be your favorite things in the world. Plus, she’s just so adorable like this. But this just feels so wrong now, and instead of the usual butterflies, your stomach knots in discomfort.
It just feels so wrong.
She stops when you tell her to, and doesn't get angry, doesn't even ask questions. She just smiles at you in understanding, pecking your lips quickly before she leans back and sits on her legs. But there's something off with the way she smiled, and the unrecognizable look in her eyes is back. But you're too afraid to ask her what could possibly be the matter. Besides, she's quick to make you lie down on the bed as she spoons you from behind.
"I'm really sorry," you tell her. And you hate how often those words leave your mouth these days.
"Okay lang," comes her automatic response.
You should've known, should've noticed. The automatic, almost emotionless response to your apologies the past couple of days should have made the warning bells in your head go off.
But you were too lost in your own head, too selfishly worried about yourself, to notice that there is something wrong with her. She nuzzles the back of your head with her nose, making a shiver run down your spine.
"Good night, Colet."
You were so lost in your thoughts that you failed to notice that, after four long years of being together, Maloi didn't say 'I love you' to you before going to sleep for the very first time.
The morning after, you wake up to the unusual coldness of the sheets. The side of the bed Maloi occupies is empty, and surprisingly cold. Did she wake up earlier than usual? Was she attempting to cook breakfast again? You get up from the bed, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you make your way to the kitchen, which is empty of any Mary Loi Ricalde.
This jolts you into full consciousness as you begin to feel discomfort in the pits of your stomach. You make your way back to your bedroom to check the bathroom there, but there was no Maloi in there either.
With dread filling your heart, you head towards the living room only to find no Maloi in there as well. 'Maybe she just went out for a jog or to buy some food', you think to yourself to calm the rapid beating of your heart as your thoughts raced with all the possibilities you can think of.
With an unsettling feeling in your gut, you head back to your bedroom to retrieve your phone so you can give her a call. Though you freeze in your spot once you see your device. It's lying on the nightstand, where you left it the night before, and there is a single sticky note stuck to its screen.
The words 'you're free' are written in big bold letters, in Maloi's familiar handwriting.
You rip the note off your phone to stare at it, your mind having quite a hard time absorbing what's happening at the moment. Then you quickly stalk towards the closet and all but rip its doors open. You feel a lump lodge in your throat when you see that her stuff is no longer to be found in there. You slowly walk towards and take a seat on the bed, gaze still glued to the note in your now shaky hands.
Didn't you want this? Haven't you spent months up until now, wishing ardently for this freedom?
Yet why, after said freedom has been granted to you, do you feel like the whole world has just crashed upon you?
Is this really what you truly want?