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It’s almost midnight, but you’re still outside, wandering, wondering how your life turned out like this.
You’ve always liked taking leisurely strolls whenever you can’t sleep and just want to think peacefully. It’s the same case for tonight, except you can’t shake off this feeling of longing and despair that you’re usually good at ignoring.
So, it pisses you off. Sure, you're sometimes laid back and mellow. But you aren’t the depressed, sad type – that’s more Gwen, really. Not you. Never you. Well, maybe until recently.
A deprecating laugh slips past your lips when you feel small droplets of rainfall against your skin. Great. Just great. It just has to rain when you’re already feeling this way.
And now you can’t help but feel even worse because it’s times like this one, when it’s raining, that the feeling of constant longing in your chest intensifies.
You grit your teeth as you will yourself to stop feeling, stop thinking, stop hurting, just standing there and letting the rain fall harder. It doesn’t even take long before the drizzle turns into a downpour.
You wonder how you’ve become this miserable, pathetic, bitter human being as you close your eyes and let the rain soak you through your clothes, the cold seeping to your bones and penetrating your skin.
It’s nice being in the rain like this. You like the rain – love it even – because it somehow reminds you of fresh starts and new beginnings.
You’ve always likened the rain to a shower that somehow washes away all of the bad things in your life. You realize now how foolish and childish this sort of thinking is.
The rain washes away nothing – not your memories, not your regrets, not your fears, and definitely not your pain.
A wry smile paints your lips as you face upwards, letting the downpour wash over your face and take with them the salty tears that continuously leak from your eyes.
You let the rain beat down on your skin as the images of raven hair and dark eyes flash through your mind. It hurts – your heart – as it still beats steadily inside your chest despite feeling broken and battered.
And you wonder, not for the first time, how you can still be living when all you feel is dead inside.
A choked sob escapes your lips as you let your body fall down on your couch, too deep in your agony to pay mind to the fact that the water from your clothes is now soaking the cushions too.
You’re being assaulted by memories – beautiful yet fatal in their beauty. You’ve spent so long trying to forget and erase all of them from your memory but every attempt has proven futile.
Because you know deep down in your heart that you’d never love anyone else as much as you loved – love – her .
“Bakit ba palagi ka na lang nababasa kapag umuulan? I swear I make sure that you’re always bringing your umbrella with you but this happens all the time. Magkakasakit ka na naman sa lagay na yan eh.”
You know it isn’t right to laugh – even though it’s just a slight chuckle – because it’ll just irk her more, but you just can’t help it.
She’s just so, so adorable with her worried face and furrowed brows and pouty lips and – okay, abort! Abort! She’s mad right now.
Play nice – and don’t forget to act cute, she can’t resist you when you’re being cute. So you give her the best puppy eyes you could muster. She crosses her arms over her chest as she huffs, annoyed.
“Maloi! Hindi to nakakatawa! Pwede kang magkasakit! Why do you always have to make me worry?”
Okay, now she’s sad.
Sighing, you gently take the towel that she’s using to dry your hair and drape it over your shoulders as you take her hands in yours.
You get lost in thought for a while as you admire how your hands just fit perfectly with each other, and a small, unconscious smile curls at your lips as you continue to stare. You were only broken from your mindless admiration when she pulled her hands back, but only so she could cup your face in them.
“Let’s go get you showered so you won’t get sick, alright?” she asks, voice soft as she stares at your eyes tenderly, lovingly, and you feel your heart skip a beat inside your chest.
“Okay.”
"Bilis na. Mag-shower ka na. So we can have a movie marathon while eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate on the couch.”
“Will there be cuddling?”
“Syempre. Go na and shower. Ihahanda ko lang yung movies and cookies."
You didn’t have to be told twice.
It’s unfair, you can’t help but think, when it was her who made all these promises of always being together and loving each other until the day your hearts stop beating, but she was also the one to leave first.
Well, she didn't really leave, because that was you actually. But you're not an idiot, and you knew that something had changed with her. You had felt the shift in your relationship, and it hurt to pretend to not notice because you were terrified of losing her.
It was her who left you all broken and hurting and just desperate for her to return the slightest bit of affection and passion you know she once harbored for you.
You're still a mess until now, but at least you don’t cry at the mere mention of her name anymore.
It’s been months but still, it’s an accomplishment to account for, right? Another choked sob comes from you when the memory of that night hits you in crystal clear vision like it happened just yesterday.
“Loi."
You can hear the shakiness in her voice as she looks at you pleadingly, her body tense against yours.
Honestly, you're surprised how you haven’t started sobbing yet. But maybe that’s because you’re still shaken to the core by the desperate, unwilling look in her eyes. And it's enough to snap something inside of you as you feel yourself just shut down.
You feel walls as cold as ice closing in on your heart, and you force yourself to smile as you step away from her. She sighs, and your gaze flickers to her eyes – relief instantly flooding in them.
And it feels as if you're getting engulfed in scorching hot flames, as you feel so much hurt.
How ironic. Your whole being burns with so much pain, but your heart remains devastatingly cold.
Colet is looking at you hesitantly, as if poised to ask a question, but you're too tired and hurt so you just walk towards the bedroom and lie on the bed.
"Loi?"
You feel the bed dip with her weight as she slides in behind you, but you don't respond. She wraps her arms around your waist and kisses the top of your head.
You'll allow yourself this much, one last time, because you know deep down that there's no other choice but to part ways with her after tonight.
What's the use of staying together when her heart isn't with you anymore?
She apologizes again, and you can hear the genuinity in her voice, but you're past the point of real acceptance now. So you dismiss her apology quickly and force yourself to sleep.
Of course you weren't able to sleep that night, what with your thoughts running a mile an hour. So you just lied there, Colet holding you as you let yourself drown in her familiar scent and warmth.
And when you felt her breathing even out as her body went slack against yours, you carefully slid out of the bed and headed for the closet.
You have a lot of stuff to pack, and it's better for you to start now if you want to leave when she's still deep in sleep.
And as you're packing all your belongings inside your suitcase, you couldn't help but silently cry.
You already know what Colet wants, and what she wants is to be free from you.
You can’t do anything but give her the freedom she desires, because you promised her and yourself that you’d fulfill all of her wishes to the best of your abilities.
Even though the thing she wants most right now is at the expense of your own happiness.
Because her happiness will always be your top priority.
That’s just how much you love her.
That was the last day you saw her, and the last night you’ve spent with her.
The sun hadn't even risen in the horizon, but you were already on the road, destination as far away from her as possible.
If freedom is what she wants, then freedom is what you’re going to give her.
It’s another rainy day and you’re getting bombarded with memories that are better left forgotten.
You move about robotically, taking a warm shower once you’ve finally calmed down and preparing a plate of cookies and two mugs of steaming hot chocolate which you bring to the living room.
You turn on the TV and look for good movies to watch as you snuggle into the blanket you’ve taken from your room – it has the faint scent of strawberries and vanilla and the fabric conditioner she always used.
A tear rolls down your cheek as you bite down on a cookie, unfocused eyes trained on the television as you remember cold days spent inside and just cuddling under the thick blankets.
Something shiny on top of the coffee table catches your eyes, so you lean over and reach for the object. It’s a heart-shaped locket and more tears spill from your eyes once you recognize it. This was the last gift you received from her – she gave it to you last year on your birthday.
You open the locket and your heart instantly shatters at the sight. You’ve seen it more than enough already in the past few months. But still, seeing it now is enough to break you apart all over again.
C + M
You clutch the locket tightly in your hands as you now sob quietly, hot chocolate and cookies and the movie long forgotten.
It’s another rainy night.
It’s another night spent alone.