Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hange’s fingers clench the rough paper of the list tightly, as her gaze traces each line with fervent, almost desperate concentration. The stillness of her lab should soothe her, but instead, her heart is going a thousand miles an hour, almost as fast as the speed of her thoughts. So many things to do, and so little time available. 

“I promised to bring a preview of my project, but I still haven’t gotten my microbial ecosystem to be self-adaptive... And we still have to send in our confirmations for induction weekend! And the bags—I haven’t packed the bags. Do you have them yet?”

She pats the check that marks some of the tasks on the list as accomplished: getting accepted to Paradis University, doing her final history paper, buying another pair of glasses for Dad... Although the tasks she still has to complete far outnumber those already done, holding a reminder of her to-do’s reassures her. If she completes each task perfectly, everything will go smoothly and she can... well, she can move on to the next list. 

After a brief pause, receiving no response, Hange continues speaking.

“My valedictorian speech needs a revision too, because there’s no way Zeke’s GPA is going to beat mine, right? Not to mention that Nana wants me to look for prom dresses with her. I’d rather stay and try to keep my micro-destructors from dying again, but Nana might kill me if I don’t go. Do you have your outfit yet?” Only then does Hange notice the still reigning silence. She looks up from the paper. “Levi?”

She wasn’t wrong. Levi is still sitting next to her, just like the last time she checked, an... an hour ago? Two? She’s increasingly certain there must be a time vortex in her lab; she can spend a short while here, yet by the time she looks at the hour, every second has multiplied into hours.

“I thought you’d fallen asleep.”

Levi shrugs, not taking his eyes off the window. Through it the morning sun streams in, casting its golden rays on the blue and white tiled floor. It’s so early in the morning that the laboratory still has a sterile appearance, as if every corner has been scrubbed to exhaustion. With its soft glow, the light dances on Levi’s face.

“Aren’t you excited? We have less and less left to do.” She offers him the list, but he makes no move to take it. “What did your mom tell you about housing for the weekend on campus? Oh no, that’s another to-do!”

Despite the stress in her voice, inside, Hange’s brain slows to a state of serenity. Actually, the list isn’t that long—she’ll be done with it in a matter of hours. The biggest problem continues to be her experimental project, which, no matter how hard she tries to make it work, keeps failing. Otherwise, everything is going according to plan.

She and Levi will be leaving for Paradis University at the end of school in just one week. Mike and Nanaba will be going to Maria’s University, a two-hour bus ride from Paradis, which is far from convenient, but at least they won’t be going to the other side of the planet, like some of their other classmates. Then, she can become a great biologist (after getting her revolutionary project, a self-sustaining, self-adapting microbial ecosystem that cleans up oil spills and other waste, to actually do what it’s supposed to do), Levi will win a gold medal in the Olympics, and they’ll graduate together. Check, check, check.

So, despite how frantic everything seems at the moment, things are going well. Like the flight of birds. Smooth. Uninterrupted. And perfectly organized.

Only, Levi’s face indicates otherwise.

Usually, Hange prides herself on being an expert in his microexpressions. After all, he’s been her best friend since they were kids and her boyfriend of a year. But right now, his face tells her... nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like a book without a cover and padlocked that, nevertheless, has a certain gloomy air around it. 

“Is something wrong?”

“No.”

“So why—?”

“Everything is fine.”

But his eyes are still lost in the distance. Not for an instant has he turned to look at her. Hange tries to recall what he looked like upon arriving, but she was so focused on her project and the list that his appearance went completely unnoticed. 

“How was the training?” 

“Good.” Levi sits with a stiff back, muscles tense under the dark long-sleeved shirt he wears, despite the warm weather. He looks as if he couldn’t wait for the moment to get the hell out of here. But this is Levi, so it couldn’t possibly be that.

“Mmm.” Hange places her index finger to her lips, thoughtfully. What could be bothering him? As far as she knows, he’s won all of his recent competitions. Although she hasn’t been able to see him at any of them, with how busy she’s been... That’s it!

Levi is like this because she hasn’t gone to cheer him up lately.

“I’m going to your next competition,” she declares. “It’s the last one, isn't it? And it’s…”

“Today.”

“Today? Uh. I have, uhm…”

“I already know you have your final Spanish presentation,” he says. And because he knows her so well, he also knows that languages are her weakest subject, and therefore the ones she can least afford to relax on. “You don’t need to come.”
“But I’ll see you later, and we’ll celebrate together. And when we’re in Paradis, we can—”

“No.”

“No?” She cocks her head, confusion taking over her features. No, he doesn't want to see her later? No, he doesn't want to celebrate together? Or...

“I don’t know if I want to go to Paradis anymore.”

Hange blinks several times. “But—we’ve been accepted. And you told me a thousand times you wanted to go there.”

He said it, didn’t he? He should have, when she told him about her plans for the future. Or when he applied there for an athletic scholarship. If not, he sure did when they opened their acceptance letters together and she had the joy of hearing one of his atypical laughs. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s made up memories, but no—she’s sure. This time she’s not imagining anything. He definitely said he wanted to go. Besides, they’re a week away from graduation. He can’t change his mind now.

Levi sighs. “Things change, Hange. They rarely go according to plan. Now I realize Paradis is a damn long way from here, and... I don’t know.”

Hange . Something tightens inside her. Not Four Eyes, the affectionate nickname he usually calls her by. Not even Shitty Glasses. Hange.

Why does hearing her own name feel so bad?

A subtle hissing sound reaches her ears, like that of air escaping from a punctured balloon. Suddenly she feels dizzy. Hange clutches the list in her hands.

Things change...

“I... I don’t know what to say.” 

Silence.

“I have to go train,” Levi finally announces, his face still inscrutable. But he didn’t used to be like this—at what point did he stop being totally accessible to her? 

When Levi leaves the lab, she rests her open palm on the cold metal table, trying to steady herself. Everything seems to spin. A chemical scent surrounds her, like metal mixed with rotting vegetables. The pressure builds and builds in her head, until it explodes.

Literally.

The laboratory fills with smoke and flames emerge from her project on the table. Hange covers her mouth between coughs. The fire alarm goes off, its incessant screeching cutting through the room. Just then, the lab door slams open.

Seeing the mess, Professor Shadis runs a hand over his face. 

“Oh no, Miss Zoe. Again ?”

***

Hange’s Spanish presentation was adequate. Not good, and far from perfect, but acceptable enough to assure her of winning valedictorian over Zeke. Or so she hopes.

It’s already mid-afternoon. The sky is darkening amid clouds and faint rays of stray sunlight. Hange hurries to the sports complex where swimming tournaments are organized, but when she arrives dozens of people are leaving the place. Levi’s competition must have come to an end. A spark of disappointment ignites in her chest, and she instantly seeks to extinguish it. After all, she already knew that the likelihood of making it in time, even for the awards, was close to nil.

She spots him in the distance. He’s standing in the middle of the crowd, chatting with a redhead. As she approaches, the young woman embraces him, and Hange manages to recognize her as their classmate, Petra.

Her reddish hair pulled back in a ponytail and the soft-looking cobalt blue dress she wears live up to her reputation as the best dressed in school. She’s never out looking anything less than perfect. From what Hange has heard, after graduation, she’ll be leaving to study Fashion in Liberio.

Still with his chin on Petra’s shoulder, Levi’s eyes meet those of Hange. And something changes in them. Almost imperceptibly, his facial muscles tighten. His gaze darkens with an emotion that Hange fails to decipher, but that makes her pause. Suddenly, she feels like that awkward neighbor who arrives uninvited and is greeted with bitter resignation. But the awkward neighbor doesn’t usually know he’s one, and what nonsense is she thinking? This is Levi.

As she resumes her approach, the embrace dissolves. 

“Hello!” Hange greets them, trotting in their direction.

“Hans, how are you?” Petra meets her with a huge smile. To Hange, she’s always reminded her of a friendly dolphin. She’s willing to lend a helping hand whenever someone requires it, she’s one of the few who’s never shown her a bad face after destroying yet another lab, and in teamwork, she does her part. 

Hange returns the smile with one of her own.

“How did it go? One more medal to the collection?”

Petra glances at Levi before saying, “I was just leaving, bye!”

It’s already dark. Now alone, Levi and Hange stand a few feet apart, the air brushing their faces turning cold. The gravel under Hange’s shoes crunches as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other. Before slipping her hands into the pockets of her pants, she glances at him briefly. He’s wearing a neutral expression. She averts her gaze to the horizon, where the silhouette of the moon barely hints through the clouds.

“So, what do you want to do?” She breaks the silence.

This is weird. Why does she suddenly feel weird around him? If she’s known him almost all her life.

Levi merely shrugs. 

The distant murmur of other people’s conversations only emphasizes the heavy silence between them.

Hange forces herself to set her eyes on him. His gaze is downcast, his expression absent. The dim light draws his profile at precise angles, while a lock of hair slides over his forehead.   

“Wait, you cut your hair?”

He frowns. “It was already like that this morning.”

“Oh.”

This morning was strange too, wasn’t it? And now that she thinks about it, the previous one too. She looks for the last time he accompanied her to the lab and that, as they said goodbye, she didn’t feel a twinge in her gut, her throat dry with discomfort. The memory feels distant, but also warm.

That day, the faint smell of lab chemicals permeated the air. She was sitting at her cluttered desk, her fingers stained with ink as she scribbled notes at full speed.

‘I brought you this,’ he said as he arrived and placed a carton of chocolate milk on the lab table. 

‘Tha—don’t put it in there!’ She hurried to move the drink away from the experiment. Any unexpected variable, even a drop of water, could ruin it completely.

‘Did you get any sleep today?’ Levi rubbed a lock of her hair between his fingers. ‘How long since you’ve had a bath, Four Eyes?’

Hange would have responded, had she known the answer. Nana had asked her the very same question the day before. And after wrinkling his nose, Mike had refused to stand a meter away from her. Which made her estimate that the correct answer ranged from four to six days. But what did that matter?

‘You don’t understand, there’s nothing more important than this! It’s my whole future...’ And she was failing. Day and night, she’d devoted every breath to that project. It was a good thing—valuable, even. Succeeding would translate into helping the planet, helping her career, and helping her stop thinking about everything she had no desire to think about.

Levi looked at her with his arms crossed and a gap between his eyebrows. 

‘I know.’

She returned her attention to her microscopic babies. She didn’t notice Levi approaching until his hands rested on her shoulders. He began kneading the knots in her muscles, following a gentle rhythm. A shiver ran through her. Gradually, her body melted under his touch and, with a sigh of contentment, she closed her eyes and leaned back against him.

‘Thank you. It’s just that it’s a lot of work and...’

‘I know why you’re doing this, four eyes. It doesn’t bother me.’ With a kiss on the forehead, he pulled away and took a seat beside her. And she went back to work, pouring her full attention into the project. As always, his silent presence gifted her with a sense of peace, allowing her ideas to crystallize.

That was a couple of months ago. The distance between that memory and the present grows with each passing second. It occurs to her that, since they met, Levi has always taken care of her. But what has she ever done for him?

Levi looks up, only to look away from her, in the direction of the tide of people marching toward the exit. Part of Hange wants to take his face in her hands and force him to confront her directly. And... why not? 

Hange does just that. 

She captures his face in her hands and pulls him close, until their mouths are millimeters apart. The whitish skin of his cheekbones feels smooth under her fingers. 

Having him so close, with his breath warming her face, quickens her heartbeat. 

“Hi,” she says, smiling at him.

He has no choice but to meet her gaze. In the twilight, the gray of her eyes is barely a slit.

“Hey.”

“I missed you today during lunch.”

Levi tries to pull away, but her grip is strong. “I was…”

Hange presses her lips to his. For a moment, Levi stands still, but then he seems to be shaken by an electric shock, and his hands reach for her waist. He pulls her closer to him and kisses her back with a fervor that makes her knees tremble. Her heart sprouts wings and takes flight.

The world blurs. It loses the rigidity of reality. The cool wind that whips the trees shuns them, leaving only the warmth between them.

Eventually, Levi lets go and distances himself from her. Despite the faint reddening of his cheeks, his features harden. His lips tighten. As if they hurt.

Hange hugs herself. The warmth of his closeness has disappeared as quickly as the blowing of a candle. The cool air that hits her chills her skin.

“I forgot to tell you...I told Mom I’d be back early today. She wants to spend as much time with me as she can before college.”

Hange nods. “My dad has been asking for you. You didn’t come yesterday.”

She alluded to him being busy training, but she’s no longer sure that was the reason.

“It’s been a busy few days.” He looks at the exit longingly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, of course. See you tomorrow…”

When she returns home, the room is dark. Though it’s clean, every surface has a pair of her father’s glasses. He always loses them, so he needs to have a spare on hand at all times. Hange shuffles up the stairs and stops in front of the master bedroom. His father’s snoring comes to her low, but steady. It’s been a year since...

Hange pushes back the memory that tried to rear its head; the one filled with the sweet aroma of a cup of coffee. The one where a light is always on in the kitchen, and she’s greeted with warm, safe hugs.

Slowly, Hange continues the walk to her room, where she throws herself on the bed and sinks her face into the pillow.

***

“He’s acting really weird.” Hange paces back and forth across the school gym. “And he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to study at Paradis, can you believe it?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Just give it time.” Nanaba, perched on a ladder, hangs the little lights that cast a golden glow over the gymnasium, where the smell of spray paint and plastic abounds. On the other side of the place, one of the miniature titan-shaped balloons explodes in Moblit’s hands after he tried to stick it to a column. “But I’m impressed. This is the longest you’ve lasted without mentioning your project, not once.”

Hange leans against a stack of folding chairs and grunts, “I screwed up my last experiment, and now they won’t let me use the lab anymore.”

“There ’ s no lab to use anymore, Hans. Argh, why on earth did you propose Titans as a prom theme?”

“You asked me to propose something I found interesting. It’s our history, Nana. And they are…” Hange looks at the figure of a cardboard titan with which the newcomers will be able to have their picture taken. “Beautiful.”

Nana picks up a strip of silver streamers, her hands sprinkled with glue and confetti. 

“They’re just tales. Not even fairy tales. Why couldn’t you find Cinderella interesting? I still can’t believe your proposal won.” 

Hange has to agree with that. “That was certainly unexpected.”

“Voters must have thought it said Titanic .”

Nanaba grunts from the effort as she hoists a giant papier-mâché titan head, while Hange assists her by holding the other side. Hange contributed ideas to make the sculpture even more terrifyingly authentic, but Nanaba ignored most of them, so the version to be displayed at the ball lacks realism. Understandable, though. She doubts that her peers dream of dancing in front of the sight of a naked giant, even though the books emphasize the absence of external sex organs.

“Mike got an overseas scholarship to Hizuru University,” Nana blurts out of nowhere after managing to get the head straight.

“What? When?” An uneasiness clenches Hange’s stomach. Has she been so wrapped up in her project that she’s neglected her friends, so much so that she’s missed something as important as this? Maybe that’s why Levi is acting strange. It must be her fault. “What will you do?”

“Nothing, what else?”

“But it’s too far away. Long-distance relationships rarely work out. Statistically speaking—”

Nana raises a hand.

“Stop. I know. We’ll try anyway.” Nana secures the wires holding the titan and steps back to inspect her work. With its exaggerated smile and teeth gleaming with a fresh coat of lacquer, the titan’s head is colossally impressive. “It’s not what I imagined, but we have to make the best of the cards we’re given. I just hope it doesn’t collapse in the middle of the party and knock out a student.”

***

I’m here, Hange messages Levi as soon as she arrives on the campus of Paradis University. A young woman with blonde hair and glasses runs past her, dragging behind her a rolling suitcase that crushes Hange’s fingers as she passes. Hange winces, but forces a smile to her mouth as she types: It’s all very nice.

And it is.

The campus spreads out before her like a dream. Huge buildings clad in vines stand amid gardens brimming with flowers that permeate the air with their sweet perfume. Fountains gurgle in the golden sunlight, and their mist kisses her skin as Hange follows a path lined with oak trees that, by the look of them, must be hundreds of years old. On their stems are written secrets of past scholars. They may even have been alive at the time the titans are speculated to have existed.

The fresh air, the rustle of leaves, the sound of student discussions, everything makes her heart swell. This is a sanctuary of knowledge, the place she’d longed to come to since she was a little girl. It’s more enchanting than she ever dared to imagine.  

After a few minutes, Levi responds with: Have a good time.

Hange puts the cell phone away and smiles optimistically. She doesn’t quite know how to interpret his messages, so she chooses to take what he says at face value; that he’s happy for her and that, although he didn’t want to come to the induction weekend, everything will be fine. That even now, in the face of the uncertainty of change, everything will follow the planned course. Like the flow of a stream, calm and unhindered.

Even though the road in front of her doesn’t look like a stream. Instead, it looks like a river full of rocks and steep slopes. With a little luck, she’ll avoid ending up on the edge of a deadly waterfall.

Only yesterday, everything seemed infinitely better. Although the teacher had instructed them to make a collage to illustrate their latest reading (Pride and Prejudice), the hubbub of conversation and laughter was so loud that it could be heard from the hallway. With only a week left before the end of school, few were interested in completing an assignment whose grade would be inconsequential.

She was oblivious to the noise and the paper projectiles flying through the classroom. While Levi drew the silhouette of a young woman in a regency dress, she was busy extracting fragments of the work to add to the collage.

“There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.”

The hint of a smile appeared at the corner of Levi’s mouth as he managed to make the dress under his pencil seem to sway in the wind. At the sight of it, something soft and shiny snuck into her chest.

‘We should add a quote from Mr. Collins or Ms. Bennett, just to make it less serious,’ she suggested.

‘Then we’d have to add another section; as we have it is fine.’ With one finger, he slid up her glasses. ‘That way you can get back to your project faster.’

She pondered on what to say, treading carefully. What if the mere mention of the project on her part made him act weird again? She still wasn’t convinced that wasn’t the cause of his sudden changes.

‘I don’t think I’ll manage to figure it out before we graduate.’

‘You accomplish whatever you put your mind to.’

The imperious urge to hug him seized her. But they were in the middle of class and, even though the professor was engrossed in a book, she feared that public displays of affection would be the last straw for his patience.

‘When did you get your hair cut?’ she asked instead.

‘A few days ago,’ he said, but something altered in his tone. It became lower, more closed.

Retreat, retreat!

She switched the subject. ‘Have you sent your confirmation for the weekend yet?’

He dropped the pencil and leaned back, arms folded across his abdomen. ‘I’m not going.’

‘What? Why?’

The bell that marked the end of the class rang, and just like that, the subject was closed.

As she walks to the office of the advisor assigned to her during her stay, Hange reviews their latest interactions. Nana is probably right, she concludes. Levi just needs time, and when he’s ready, he’ll tell her what’s on his mind. And if what’s going through his mind is not wanting to come to Paradis no matter what... She’ll deal with it in her own time.

She’ll only need all her energy to create a new list.

Arriving at the Biology Department Faculty, Hange approaches the door to Dr. Monica Morris’ office, according to what the plaque embedded in the wood says. She takes a deep breath. She’s about to meet one of the main reasons she chose to come to Paradis.

After knocking on the door, a voice tells her to come in.

“Hange Zoe, isn’t it?” Doctor Morris asks from her desk. Hange nods nervously. 

She’s in front of the greatest eminence in her area.

Her whole body heats up. She wants to laugh out loud, to jump up and down, to ask her a million questions. But, for once, she limits herself to admiring her in silence, although vibrating with emotion.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Dr. Monica Morris, I’ll be your guide on this visit, as well as your advisor during the beginning of your studies.”

Dr. Morris holds out a hand to Hange, who shakes it excitedly. She looks just like the photos Hange saw on the web. She’s wearing a pastel purple trouser suit and jacket, and her ponytail is pulled so tight that it stretches the skin on her face, which, if it weren’t for that, would surely show traces of her more than four decades of hard work. Behind her thin-rimmed glasses lies an intelligent gaze.

“I read you were working on…” Dr. Morris glances at the papers on her cluttered desk. “A self-sustaining, self-adapting microbial ecosystem to clean up oil spills and other waste. Wow. Very impressive.”

Hange's shoulders hunch. “Argh—yes. Something like that. At the moment I’m having some trouble wrapping it up.”

“I see.” The doctor stands up. “Would you like to visit our labs?”

The laboratory hums with the murmur of incubators and ventilators, which spread a faint smell of chemicals. In the center stretch long steel tables, all cluttered with microscopes, Petri dishes, and racks of test tubes filled with amber and teal solutions that glow under fluorescent lights. Along the wall, a row of glass cases displays various specimens, from flasks with delicate butterflies to snakeskin.

If possible, stars would be coming out of her eyes. 

“Do you want to talk to me about your project?” Dr. Morris asks out of the blue.

Hange scratches the back of her neck. “Well, my microbes do what they have to do, but the problem is that instead of adapting to the environment, they die. I’ve implemented every one of my theories. I’ve read all the related studies and tried everything they mention, but…” 

Inevitably, nothing survives.

“I see.”

The exploration of the lab complete, they step out into the hallway, where the polished linoleum gleams under the warm lights. As they walk, Hange glimpses the classrooms through the open doors: rows of desks in front of blackboards scrawled with intricate diagrams. From the locked ones, the faint murmur of lectures and the occasional scrape of a chair escapes. 

“I’m really excited to study here.” Hange contemplates the framed scientific posters along the hallway. They show enlarged images of microscopic organisms and expanding ecosystems that somehow seem to come to life.

Maybe it’s something in the air, or just knowing where she is, but she breathes more freely here. It’s a space full of knowledge waiting to be acquired, right at her fingertips. Of possibilities. 

“I will be happy to guide you, at least for your first year.” At Hange’s puzzled look, Doctor Morris explains, “I’m afraid I’ll be retiring soon.”

The news crushes her enthusiasm a bit, but a year under Dr. Morris’ teachings is better than nothing.

“Are you a good cook, Ms. Zoe?” Doctor Morris asks.

“Not really.” 

Doctor Morris approaches a beverage vending machine and prepares to buy a drink.  

“In the kitchen, sometimes you don’t have to follow a recipe to the t. The best meals have been created through experimentation.” She bends down to take her drink from the machine’s slit. It’s a can with a yellow and green wrapper. “For example: a lemonade. Did you know it tastes better if, in addition to lemon and sugar, you add just a pinch of salt?”

Aware that, in some metaphorical way, Doctor Morris must be sharing her superior knowledge, Hange struggles to make sense of her words. But she’s always been bad at metaphors.

“So... should I add salt to my ecosystem?”

Doctor Morris lets out a laugh. “Not exactly. You see, the salt doesn’t add anything overt to the lemonade; we only perceive the sweetness. But it stabilizes the drink and enhances its flavor in a way that makes it more delicious.”

Something clicks in Hange’s brain. 

I could add a different species, one that only acts as an ecosystem stabilizer... It would not degrade pollutants, but it would exist to create an environment conducive to the core microbes... Some bacteria that supplies nutrients to protect the others from adverse conditions...

“Oh. But, theoretically—”

Dr. continues speaking as she opens her can. “Following the method is a given for a student bright enough to get accepted into this program. But spontaneity... That’s a rare, but extremely valuable skill.” She takes a sip of her drink and then turns to Hange. “I’ve read your work, Ms. Zoe. It’s excellent. All of your discoveries have come from innovative ideas that I’d never have thought of. I bet more than one of your successes came from doing something different than what you initially planned, yes”

“... Almost everything.”

“There you have it. Personally, I can’t wait to join you as you implement many more of your ideas.”

“Even when most end up with burning labs?”

Doctor Morris smiles. 

“Fortunately, we have insurance.”

Later that day, Hange takes a break from meeting the brilliant faculty members and sits on a sun-warmed metal bench. The faculty garden is wonderful; a patchwork of flowers of every color, with the earthy scent of freshly cut grass. All around, students laugh and chat in the shade of the trees.

Hange tries to envision herself as one of them. After all, she’ll be one in a matter of weeks. She imagines herself studying day and night in the lab, implementing all her ideas without restraint. Roaming the corridors, going out into this very garden to enjoy nature. As idyllic as the scene is in her mind, it does nothing but cause a stabbing pain in her chest. 

The truth is, she doesn’t know anyone here. She’ll be alone, in an unknown place, far from her family and without any connection. She doesn’t know how she managed to befriend Nana and Levi the first time. Knowing how much she gets into her work, how will she be able to make more friends? Does she even want to make new friends? Is this what it means to grow up?

Realize that you are alone?

Her fingers fiddle with one of the fallen leaves and she lifts her head toward the sunlight filtering through the branches swaying above her. She recalls how the sunlight reflects off Levi’s face. The way his hair, now shorter, falls over his forehead. His gray eyes, quiet, and suddenly mysterious. The soft curve of his smile.

She wishes so much that he were here. To feel his familiar presence by her side, to smell him and hug him. To hear him talk in that calm tone that never shies away from speaking his mind, often in overly colorful language. She misses him terribly, and the feeling is not new. She’s been feeling it for weeks.

Hange pulls out her phone and writes: Are you busy?

After a couple of minutes, Levi responds.

A little bit.

Can we talk tomorrow when I get back?

Sure. And after a while, Have fun for the rest of your trip. 

Before thinking it through, Hange replies with: You should have come. 

See you, Hange. 

***

“Hange! I’m so glad to see you, it’s been a while since you’ve stopped by.” Levi’s mom, Kuchel, beckons Hange into the house.

“Yeah, I’ve been a little busy... How are you?”

Hange’s always thought the resemblance she bears to her son is uncanny. Mother and son share dark hair, pale skin, and chiseled cheekbones. Kuchel was a famous dancer, so her every movement is usually graceful, as if she were floating on clouds. But today, her feet practically shuffle as she leads her into the small living room.

Kuchel gives her a shaky smile. “Doing the best I can, what other choice is there?” 

Hange nods. Since Levi’s father left, their financial situation has never been easy. At the restaurant where she works as a waitress, Kuchel’s been forced to take shifts that stretch all day long, which is why Levi spends so much time at her house.

Spent .

“Is Levi busy?”

“He said he’d be down in a moment. It’s been a busy weekend.” 

Busy? Hange frowns. According to Levi, he stayed behind to spend time with his mother. But from the dark circles under her eyes and constant yawning, Hange bets Kuchel took one of her long shifts this weekend. Suddenly, something jumps to her attention. 

The living room has something different: three suitcases stacked on the side of the couch. 

Following Hange’s line of vision, Kuchel explains, “Packing so much has been complicated, but he’s finally ready for Liberio.”

Hange’s heart skips a beat. “Liberio?”

Will he go to Liberio? What’s in Liberio? 

Famous museums. The largest amusement park in the region. And the University of Liberio.

Like the piece of a puzzle finally falling into place, the picture makes sense. The evasions, the distance, her sudden refusal to go to Paradis. Won’t Petra attend that university too? Is that why they’ve been talking so much? 

Oblivious to the storm in Hange’s mind, Kuchel keeps talking. 

“I know it’s not very far, and it won’t be for long, but I feel terrible that I can’t go with him, you know? But I can’t leave my job lying around. We need the money too much, and with the costs of the—”

At that moment, Levi appears at the bottom of the stairs.

“Hey.” Levi looks from one to the other before heading for the door. “Mom, we’re going for a walk.”

Levi pauses at the threshold to wait for her and, after a few seconds of hesitation, Hange follows him outside.

“Don’t come back late!” Kuchel yells at them from the doorway.

Side by side, Hange and Levi walk in silence, out of sheer inertia. They’ve walked this same path, on their way to the nearest park, hundreds of times. Sometimes their steps have been like sparks; lively and joyful. At other times, they’ve resembled drops slowly gliding by, simply to enjoy the scenery.

But they’ve never been like today.

Today, her feet step on the footprints abandoned by her past selves. By the echoes of a childhood overcome without realization. Echoes that will never be anything more than that.

The gravel road crunches beneath them. The sound seems harsher in the stillness of the park, where they are accompanied only by the trees and their skeletal branches stretched toward the grayish sky. Hange hugs herself; the icy air chills her to the bone. She should have foreseen the need for a sweater, but ever since she returned and left her bags at home, the only thing on her mind was coming to see him. She casts furtive glances at his unreadable face. He’s dressed warmly for the occasion, wearing a dark, long-sleeved shirt with a turtleneck.

They walk past the wooden bench they long ago proclaimed as their own. The warmth of memories formed on it feels impossibly distant now, replaced by the awkward silence that prevails between them. With each minute it only grows thicker, darker, as if a tangle of poison ivy had risen between them; impossible to untangle and impossible to walk through without getting hurt.

“I…” The sudden rumble of Hange’s voice barely makes a dent in the tense atmosphere. Even when it takes more effort than usual, she smiles and summons her most cheerful tone. “You won’t believe this, but I met Dr. Morris, and she’s every bit as great as I imagined. The University is beautiful, and I may have finally figured out what my project needs and…”

Like an engine suddenly running out of fuel, her voice fades. For some reason, her mouth goes dry. Her stomach churns. 

“You know... It’s okay if you don’t want to come to Paradis. I know you must have your reasons for wanting it that way.”

She waits for him to share the aforementioned reasons, because she can’t believe it’s really about the distance. Paradis and Liberio are barely a couple of hours apart. Furthermore, the swimming program at Paradis is, by all accounts, superior. And they offered him a full scholarship!

He just keeps silent. 

What if the reason is that he no longer wants to be near you?, an intrusive voice hisses in her ear. A painful lump forms in her throat.

“Are you going to enroll in Liberio?” Hange blurts out, an abrupt break in the fabric of her composure.

“What?”

“Your mother said you are going there.”

Levi exhales.

The wind whips the branches of the trees, causing dead leaves to scatter over them.

“But that’s fine. If that’s what you want, I support you. Liberio isn’t that far from Paradis; we can always try that long-distance thing.” Hange fiddles with the cloth over her forearms, still hugging herself, still cold. “We’ll still talk every day, won’t we? And we’ll see each other whenever we can.”

It’s a slight change in their plans, she reasons, but not one so big as to completely destroy them. She can make it work.

“Hange.”

Her heart shrinks. Still that name, with that tone. The cold bites her face and her arms tighten even more around her.

“You’re barely able to remember me, and we go to the same school. You always get carried away with your work,” he says, weighing every word. “And that’s okay. It’s what makes you you. But a long-distance relationship…”

“It won’t be a problem. I know! I’ll set alarms to remind me to call you. And—”

“If you need a reminder to call me, doing so may not be worth the effort.”

“But…” The painful lump in her throat catches the words, chokes them.

The walk continues, without pause; more out of habit than decision. The cold makes her shiver, but she hardly notices it, focused as she is on finding a solution. There must be one. She knows it. She just needs to find it.

When she speaks, her voice is unsteady. “Ah... did I tell you I figured it out? My project. I understood that sometimes you need a little salt. So I’ll add the equivalent of what salt is to lemonade. I’ll introduce another species with my micro-destructors, one that is naturally resilient in harsh environments. Maybe some nitrogen-fixing bacteria to supply nutrients or biofilm-forming microbes to protect the others and…” Hange looks sideways at him, though she doesn’t know what she’s looking for. His gaze is lost on the horizon. His mind seems to have gone with the wind to be far, far away from here. “I was telling you... I will introduce frogs to my project. Yes, flying frogs. And they will destroy everything, but what does that matter, right? Levi, are you listening to me?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Are you sure?”

“Damn sure,” he snaps. “It’s just that sometimes one doesn’t understand all the weird terms you use, and sometimes people can get overwhelmed, and sometimes it takes a lot of energy to keep up with a genius and.... sometimes, sometimes people get tired of trying.”

“Gets tired,” she repeats in a hoarse voice. Her chest tightens. “Are you tired, Levi?”

“I’ve been training all day.”

Hange pauses—training or packing? Spending time with his mother or just spending time away from her?

She does not recognize her voice when speaking.

“If you want b—break up with me, you can just say so. We’ve been friends for a long time. The best of friends,” she spits, the phrase sour against her tongue. “I think you could at least say it to my face.”

“I’m sorry.”

Hange is stunned speechless. As if she had been hit, right in the face, by a flying ball. Her arms fall and hang loosely at her sides. 

Never in her mind did she think he’d say that. That he would take back his words, that he would assure her that he was just in a bad mood. But that he would accept it, just like that? This person, she doesn’t recognize. He’s not the guy who fell out of a window and landed in her life as a gift that, despite her constant planning, she never thought she’d be lucky enough to receive. The boy who sat near her in class for so many years; who brought her chocolate milk every morning; who, wherever they were, always met her gaze and, without the need for words, conveyed wry comments. Comments that only she was able to interpret.

The one who comforted her when... She shakes off the memory. She won’t go there.

But no. She refuses to accept it. Because this can’t be the same boy she’s loved most of her life.

“Since... when?”

He inhales deeply through his nose. 

“A few weeks ago I realized that many things have changed. And they’ll continue changing. You’ll become a renowned scientist, and I…” Levi looks down at his clenched fists. “We’re not the same as when we were kids. I... I ’m not the same.”

Logically, she knows he’s right; they are not the same. The world has irreversibly altered them. Just as the wind, the rain, and the sun make the leaves change color and fall, after facing the blows the world has thrown at her, she has also changed... It’s only natural. 

Her gaze gets lost in the treetops. If she’d had another life, if she’d lived in another era, would she be different? Maybe she’d be harder, or softer, with her mind occupied with other things, not thinking about her projects or college or her friends or Levi.

However, a fundamental part of her rebels against such a statement. Sure, she’d be different, but some parts would always remain the same, right? More so, while it’s true that she’s changed over the years, that she’s grown up, as nature dictates, she hasn’t stopped being in love with him. And she doesn’t think that’s going to change anytime soon.

But maybe for him...

“So those changes no longer leave room for me in your life?”

With his head down, he says to the ground, “Sorry, it’s for the best.”

Hange’s pulse quickens. All of a sudden, she no longer feels cold. Something hot and angry spreads through her body, through her muscles. How can he say that? What about their friendship of years? How can he just let her go?

“Right. The best.”

Hange turns and strides out of the park, not stopping once until reaching her house.

***

Ever since she was a little girl, Hange’s loved parties. Being able to let go of excess energy through dancing, the laughter of her parents and friends, the food. Despite this, the last thing she wanted tonight was to attend one, but Nana’s will proved stronger than hers.

As she enters, the gymnasium is aglow with disco lights. Hange squints as one hits her right in the face and raises a hand to cover herself. The possibility of being blinded for a millisecond and ending up on the floor is quite real. Although it could still happen without the help of the lights—she can barely keep her balance in the high heels she’s wearing, but Nana insisted that her dress required them.

At least everyone looks happy. And the cardboard figures of the titans look more festive than ever. Hange moves forward clinging to Nana’s steady arm, navigating the tide of students and the waves of music thundering through her body.

“Here.” Nana reaches a vacant table and sprawls out on one of the chairs. Hange does the same immediately after and resists the temptation to take off her heels, toss them in the air, and massage her feet. 

“It went well, didn’t it? People are having fun.”

Hange looks around the place. In previous days the decorations already looked great; with the addition of music and lights, everything is impressive. Her friend truly did a commendable job.

“You did a fantastic job, everything looks great.”

Nana’s mouth stretches into a satisfied smile. Today she styled her hair with glitter extensions, and the pink dress she wears matches the blush on her cheeks. Not at all reflective of the hectic day she’s had. Aside from overseeing that everything at the ball ran like well-oiled gears, she wanted to help Hange get ready. That didn’t take up much of her time, though. After Nana put a bit of makeup on her, Hange let her hair fall free down her back and put on the dress she’d bought the same day her friend picked out hers, just a few days ago. When the future looked so different…

Hange’s attention locks on the giant smile of the papier-mâché titan’s head, and her eyes sting with unshed tears. She inhales deeply to keep them away. She won’t cry. She didn’t when she and Levi broke up, she hasn’t once this entire week. And she won’t. She cried enough for a lifetime last year.

No more.

“Are you feeling well?”

“Great! I’m having fun,” Hange exclaims in what she hopes is a cheerful tone.

Nana doesn’t buy it.

“Do you want to go?” Nana leans across the table to her. “Was it a bad idea to make you come? I thought it would cheer you up a bit, and it’s our prom, you couldn’t miss it. Besides, there are titans everywhere!”

Hange smiles. “And they look beautiful. I'm just a little thirsty... I'll go get some punch, do you want some?”

Nanaba says yes, and just as Hange gets up, Mike appears at the table.

“How great you smell, my sweet and beautiful Nanaba,” Mike murmurs and kisses his girlfriend’s hand.

Good , Hange thinks. That makes things easier. She no longer has to feel guilty about leaving her friend alone and ruining her celebration by being a party pooper.

At the beverage table, the aroma of sugary desserts permeates her nose. She pours herself some punch and decides to stay there to enjoy it. The decision is due more to practicality (those shoes, with her balance and a glass overflowing with liquid shouldn’t mix) than to enjoyment of the drink. She tries to concentrate on the burst of citrus and cherry in her mouth, but her eyes keep straying to the carefree faces of her classmates. For some reason, she’s unable to feel a part of them.

Why did she let herself be persuaded to come?

“Shouldn’t there be a ship, like in the movie?” a blonde in a blue dress asks her friend as they reach the snack table. Hange recognizes her from her History class, but is unable to remember her name. “And some Leo posters?”

The friend shrugs.

“If it isn’t Hange Zoe herself,” someone shouts. Hange turns just in time to see a suited Zeke strutting toward her. “The valedictorian of our generation, herself.”

“Zeke.” Hange raises her drink in salute. On any other day, she’d have experienced the invigorating energy of victory. After all, winning valedictorian over Zeke was at the top of her list for years, and she can finally check it off as accomplished. But proving her intellectual superiority over Zeke has lost its luster.

“And where did you leave the midget?”

Hange grinds her teeth. Over the past few months, Zeke has adopted that nickname for Levi, despite everyone’s annoyance, especially the nicknamed one. No matter how much he’s been admonished, however, Zeke refuses to stop.

On second thought, she’s glad to have defeated him.

Zeke looks around, as if Levi could be hiding behind her skirts. 

“Dunno. We’ve broken up.”

“Jeez. I’m sorry. But it’s for the best, right? High school romances rarely last. Statistically—”

“God, that’s why he broke up with me.” Hange massages her temple. Is that what she sounds like? “I’m insufferable.”

Zeke lets out a laugh. 

“Oh. Looks like my date’s finally here.”

Hange snorts. “Which one?”

Zeke asked at least three people, all of different ages, to be his date for prom night. According to the gossip Nana gathered, he instructed them to arrive at different times to avoid overlapping.

Zeke’s face pales. “... All of them.”

Sure enough, three young girls with murderous expressions to match appear in front of Zeke. As the arrows of complaint begin, Hange abandons her still half-full glass on the table and discreetly slides away. She has no intention of getting hurt in the crossfire.

During the time she was with the punch, the music relaxed. The pop songs have morphed into ballads. In the distance, Hange distinguishes Nana and Mike dancing together. She rubs her bare arms, not quite sure what to do next. She identifies a couple of acquaintances nearby, but no one she knows well enough to approach.

Again, why did she agree to come?

As if by magic, the answer appears in her range of vision. Her heart leaps. Levi is here. 

He’s standing near the edge of the dance floor, talking to Petra and Oluo across the hall. The lights harden the angles of his face, making him appear colder and more distant. Unreachable. He seems to find amusing something Oluo said. Hange can’t stop her gaze from lingering on the small curve at the corner of his lips; it’s a painful reminder of the way he used to smile at her, even if only sporadically. Her chest tightens, causing her a sharp pain that makes her rest her hand over it and close her eyes.

When she opens them, she meets his gaze directly. And he’s... closer? Panic rushes through her veins. Levi is no longer on the other side of the room, but striding purposefully toward her.

Her palms become moist.

“Hey.” Levi digs both hands in his pockets as he rocks back and forth.

“Err—Hello.”

Levi clears his throat. “Do you want to dance?”

He holds out a hand. Hange looks at it for a long moment. Her mind hasn’t caught up with what’s going on. Why is he asking her to dance? It doesn’t make any sense.

When his hand begins lowering, Hange rushes to take it. 

Her heels click as they approach the dance floor. His hand rests on the small of her back, warm and firm through the fabric of her dress. Her fingers tremble slightly as they intertwine with his. And they begin to dance.

The soft strains of an unfamiliar melody envelop them. One part of her resents that the songs are slower now, giving way to this uncertainty-filled moment; but the other, larger, hidden part is deeply grateful to be able to be this close to him, once again. Even if it’s only for one song.

“How are you?” she asks, hungry to hear how he’s coping. Throughout her life, every major milestone she’s shared with him, every step they’ve climbed together. She never expected that their first breakup would be with each other, nor that they’d live it apart.

“Good. You?”

Horrible , she thinks. But aloud she recites another version of what he said. 

“You look…” He roams her body with his gaze before returning to her eyes. Her heart warms. “Beautiful. Did Nanaba choose it?”

“She said green went with me. You... too. I mean you look good too.”

Levi smiles and—it’s beautiful. The image makes something soft and warm slip from her chest to her stomach. He doesn’t take his eyes from hers, and as they sway together, the world outside the circle of their arms becomes blurred. She feels every beat of his heart, every breath they take, and wishes the moment could go on forever.

“How’s your mom?”

“I haven’t told her anything about…” He leaves the words in the air, but she understands. Kuchel doesn’t know they broke up. As he likes to say, maybe it’s for the best.

A familiar scent of citrus and soap wafts from him. It awakens a deep pain in her chest; so deep, she bites her lip to keep from crying. She doesn’t want to cry. Her fingers curl tighter around his shoulder, trembling from the effort, and he notices. His hand slides up across her back to encircle her tightly, pulling her closer against him in a movement that seems instinctive, yet restrained. Instead of the typical dance pose, they compose an embrace where distance doesn’t exist.

She sinks her face against the crook of his neck and takes a shuddering breath, clinging to him for strength. It’s so unfair that the person who causes her so much pain is also the only one capable of comforting her. Both the knife and the bandage.

“I just... I don’t understand.”

In the end, it’s inevitable. Her vision blurs and thick tears escape from her eyes and roll down her cheeks. Her throat closes and she gasps for breath. It occurs to her that Nana will be upset that her makeup is ruined, but the thought is as transient as a whisper in the wind.

Levi pulls away a little to look at her. His eyes are gray like the sky before the falling rain.

“You’re going to Paradis,” he declares, his voice charged with emotion. He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, wipes tears from her cheeks with his thumbs, and rearranges her glasses on her nose. “And you’ll meet great people there. People who are worth your time.”

“And you aren’t?” She sobs. “You’re my best friend, Levi. When did I stop being yours? I’m sorry I’ve been busy and distracted, but I promise I’ll do better.”

She presses tighter against his chest, and he responds to her strength with his own, as if he never wanted to part either.

“You haven’t done anything wrong. Busy and distracted, that’s you. And I lo—love you for that.”

With a kiss on her forehead, Levi detaches himself from her and walks away. The emptiness of his absence makes her feel cold and helpless. Hange remains on the sides of the dance floor, next to the smiling titan’s head, until the pain in her chest subsides enough to leave.

“I swear I didn’t mean to upset you, I just wanted to—”

The sharp crack of a slap echoes beside her, followed by Zeke stumbling. Hange barely sees his back before he collides with her, causing her to lose balance and fall backward. Instead of hitting the ground, a cable cuts her fall. 

She has nothing but a second of relief.

Overhead, the cables holding the titan’s head snap with a twang, and the huge sculpture sways precariously before it begins to descend—straight toward her. 

Someone lets out a gasp.

Hange tries to move away, but she’s tangled in the wires, and her shoes get in the way instead of helping. Someone lunges at her and grabs her arm. Forcefully, he hauls her away from danger just as the head collapses. Still holding her against him, the person rolls her to the ground to shelter her from the impact.

The music stops and the silence expands. Hange raises her head and sees Levi next to her. He’s the one who saved her. Of course he is. She’s about to thank him when a groan of pain escapes his mouth. As he holds his shoulder, his features contort with agony.

Disoriented, Hange leans toward him. “What—what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

A groan of pain answers her.

“Levi.” Petra drops to her knees and touches his shoulder. Her gaze darkens with concern. “We should call my dad.”

“Your dad? Why...?”

Before she can finish asking, Mike helps Levi up and leads him to the exit, followed by Nanaba and Petra. Hange has no choice but to run after them.

***

It turns out Petra’s father is an orthopedic surgeon, and a very famous one. The smell of antiseptic in the waiting room takes Hange back to months ago—to the last time she visited a clinic, her heart in pieces and her mind in knots. It’s the very last memory she wants to evoke right now, so she leans against the stiff back of her chair and focuses on a gray spot on the otherwise spotless ceiling. She stays that way as nurses come in and out of the office, as Petra begins to yawn and then goes home, and as the waiting room empties. 

Next to her, under a sign with skeletal diagrams and advertisements for joint replacements, Nana and Mike keep the silence of the guilty.

“He didn’t want us to tell you anything,” Nana suddenly alleges. “He made us promise.”

Hange closes her eyes. Upon arriving at the clinic, Petra explained the situation to the nurse in charge, who immediately took them to her father’s office. Apparently, Dr. Ral has been treating Levi for the past few weeks. Which means that, every day after school, instead of training or competing, Levi has trudged these barren corridors alone, bearing the weight of a shattered future.

And she didn’t have the faintest idea.

“When he was telling me he was training, what was he doing?”

“Rehabilitation,” Mike responds.

“I didn’t even notice anything was wrong…”

“You did.” Nana rests a hand on her shoulder. “So many times. But we’re very good liars. How were you supposed to know if no one told you anything, Hans?”

I should have known, even so.

The frosted glass door opens, and Dr. Ral steps out in a white coat, followed by a nurse. He’s taller and stockier than Petra, but they share the same eyes and gentle air.

“Mrs. Kuchel couldn’t make it?”

“She’s working double shifts,” Nana informs him. “But she said she’ll be here as soon as she can.”

The Doctor waves a hand. “Tell her not to worry, it’s nothing serious. The injury didn’t get worse, and we’ve already given him an analgesic for the pain. He’ll be able to go home after tonight. You can come in to see him now, but don’t stay too long. He needs to rest.”

The room is full of empty stretchers and Levi is on the last one. He is shirtless, but covered with a sheet up to his torso. His face is turned towards the window and, on his shoulder, he wears a shoulder pad that Hange’s never seen before, but which he was already wearing when he was brought here. Has he worn it hidden under his clothes at every encounter?

Hange sits on the chair beside the bed, hands under her thighs.

“How are you?”

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.” The view outside the window shows a couple of dull buildings, yet Levi doesn’t take his eyes off them. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

His lips tighten before opening to speak. 

“I didn’t want you to lose focus. You were going to worry and your project deserved your full attention, and…” He sighs. “When you go to Paradis and meet all those people as smart as you, you won’t need someone like me holding you back.”

“You’d never hold me back.”

“But I would. I’m not that smart. I was just a good swimmer, and now... This is my problem and I’ll solve it.” For the first time since the incident, Levi turns to look at her. Something in her expression makes him look away almost instantly. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you. Now you know, and it doesn’t change anything, it just makes you feel guilty. You’ll go to Paradis, I’ll go to Liberio to have surgery and see if there’s a chance of... Anyway, right now I can’t keep up with you. So…”

So. 

Later, back at home, Hange sits on the edge of her bed. In front of her, the board full of notes stares back at her. Right in the center is her list, pinned with a yellow tack. And all those tasks to finish: graduation speech, the project, more glasses for dad....

It must have been so hard for him. 

Her fists clench against the bedspread and her breath hitches, her heart squeezing. Her room clouds over, dulled by the tears flooding her eyes.

He must have felt so lost. Swimming was his life. And she hadn’t been there for him. The last time she cried in this very room, he was beside her and held her all night. But he doesn’t want her comfort, does he? 

Hange turns to the bedside table, where her mother’s photograph rests. Levi was the one who gave it to her after that day. It had been a cloudy one, but no one expected it to rain as hard as it did. Hange had planned to finish classes and go home early, but before leaving, she’d come up with an excellent idea; so excellent and spontaneous was it, that she decided to stay late to try it out. She doesn’t even remember what it was anymore. But by the time she wanted to return home, the trees were beating against each other violently, and the rain was pouring down. So she called her mother to come and pick her up.

Her mother never arrived.

The sobs shake her chest. 

“You’re back early,” says a voice from the door. Her father comes over and sits across from her to wipe away her tears, his face full of concern. “Hange, dear, what’s wrong? Your eyes look like tomatoes.”

His brown hair is tousled, and he’s not wearing his glasses. He must have misplaced them again. Without his mother to track them down all the time, his spending on glasses has multiplied this past year. Hange gives him a weak smile, but it disappears soon after.

“I need to tell you something.”

“God, you’re serious.”

“Quite serious.”
“I’m not going to be a grandfather, am I?”

Hange gives him a little shove with her shoulder. And proceeds to tell him about Levi and his injury. By the time she finishes, she’s pacing from one side of the room to the other.

“I want to help him, but I don’t know how. I can’t.”

“Sometimes our loved ones just need our support and companionship.”

“I can’t give him that either.”

“And why’s that?”

“He’ll go to Liberio for surgery and then to rehabilitation. Dr. Ral told me that if there’s a chance of recovery, it’s there. And while all that is going on, I will be in Paradis.”

Her father tilts his head to a side, and seems to choose his words carefully before uttering them. 

“And... does that have to be like that?”

“Yes!” Hange throws out her arms. “I’ve been planning it this way since I was little, and I can’t deviate, or everything else might fall apart. Besides, you and Mom went to Paradis together.”

“Hange.” His father pats the space next to him on the bed. Hange sits up and he slips an arm around her shoulders. His scent, of the chemicals he’s been working with and coffee, is as familiar and welcoming as ever. “It may seem like I’m too wrapped up in my work, and I am, but I do pay attention to you. And you know what comes to mind when I see you?” When she shakes her head, he continues. “How is it possible for someone so spontaneous, so full of ideas, to limit herself so much out of fear?”

“It’s not fear, it’s…”

“Your lists are not all-powerful, honey. Your mother used to say that sometimes, surprises are best. You were one.”

“I was?”

“Mm-hmm. And wasn’t Levi a surprise too? The vagaries of life aren’t something we can control. Like your experiments, sometimes we just have to let them be whatever they need to be.”

“But they can end up being a disaster. People can get hurt.”

I can get hurt.

“Yes. They can. But there’s also the possibility of succeeding. And if you never try…”

Hange snorts.

“Yes, yes; revolutionary discoveries were never made by people afraid of failure. Marie Curie died from her high exposure to radiation, but she discovered polonium and radium.”

“That...That’s an extreme example, but yes. Something like that.” He gets out of bed with a swift movement and slaps his thighs twice. “So what do you think, am I a failure at this? Your mother used to do it better. A thousand times better.” 

His attention falls on the photograph on the bedside table. Hange stands up and hugs him.

“Well, I’m not crying anymore.” His warmth envelops her and makes her feel that no matter what she does or happens, everything is going to be okay. She will be okay. “Thank you, Dad.”

***

Despite the stormy clouds swirling in the sky, the stage, the teachers, the students and their guests are all ready. The banner reads ‘Congratulations Graduates,’ and Hange waits to be introduced from the side of the stage. From her position she can’t see her friends, but she knows they’re seated with the others. Except Levi. 

Where is he? She hasn’t seen him since Prom night. She went looking for him at his house, but he never opened the door, nor has he replied to her messages. She was hoping they could talk today, but evidently not. 

“Congratulations,” someone whispers behind her. As she turns, the gold tassel of her cap slaps against her glasses.

“Petra!” Hange exclaims, causing more than one head to turn in her direction. The director pauses mid-speech to shoot her an annoyed glare from the dais. Hange purses her lips to show that she’ll remain silent. When the director returns to his speech, he does so with a faint smile. Surely relieved that, after today, he’ll never again have to see her staggering through the corridors following yet another structural damage to his facility.

Come to think of it, both the teaching staff and the maintenance crew had that same kind of smile on their faces when they congratulated her earlier.

Petra fiddles with the tassel of her cap, separating the threads between her fingers.

“I wanted to, errr—I wanted to apologize, for not telling you the truth and all. Levi made me promise…”

“I know. Don’t worry.” Hange stands on her tiptoes to, once again, review the faces in the audience. There’s Nanaba’s blond head, Mike, Zeke... No trace of her black-haired anywhere. “Have you seen him, by the way? I’ve been looking for him and—”

“He’s not here.”

Hange abruptly stops looking. “He didn’t come to his own graduation? Is his shoulder that bad? Did it get more damaged when he saved me from the—?”

“No, no—the rehab clinic called. One of the athletes canceled and opened up a spot for him, but he had to leave as soon as possible. My father informed him just this morning, so... He should be at the airport by now.”

He’s already... gone?

A void opens up in her chest. Hange has not yet finished processing that piece of information when applause explodes around them.

“And now, it’s my honor to welcome the valedictorian of this generation, a bright and... undoubtedly enthusiastic student. Miss Zoe, please.”

Hange reacts when Petra nudges her. After making her way up the stage, she reaches for the wooden lectern, leans over, and murmurs into the microphone, “Ah...hello.”

Hange looks out at the audience. From below the stage, Petra gives a thumbs up in encouragement. Nanaba is seated on the left side and Mike on the right, both dressed in caps and gowns. In the back, almost in the center, along with the other family members, is her father. His dark suit is far from his usual disheveled appearance, and again he forgot his glasses, so his eyes form perpetual slits.

She looks down at the sheets in her hands, the list of points she established should be mentioned and a few sentences ready to be read. Having it provides her with a sense of security; it’s a harness ready to hold her in case she stumbles. But sometimes we just have to let things be whatever they need to be, don’t we?

With bated breath, Hange folds the sheets in half, puts them in her gown pocket, and starts speaking.

“Well, how about we speed this up, before you turn into fossils sitting there?” The audience looks at her expressionlessly. A tough one, then. Her heartbeats turn into noisy drums. “Ahem, well, first of all, hey, we made it. Four years of staying up late at night, questionable cafeteria food, and not entirely healthy study routines. But we survived. Sort of.

“High school was... an experiment. A wild, unpredictable, and sometimes catastrophic experiment. One in which we tested our limits, pushed boundaries and discovered things we didn’t expect. Like the fact that, apparently, I’m not the only genius in the world—who knew?”

A few chuckles rise from the audience as, in the front row, Zeke adjusts his white salutatorian stole with pride. Hange can still remember the first time she saw him enter the classroom and all the sand castles she built around his arrival. How lucky she feels to have left that phase behind.

“Throughout these years I’ve learned a lot, about science, of course, but also about life. I learned that sometimes things don’t go as planned. Sometimes you miss things, important things, and no matter how much you analyze them, no matter how many variables you take into account, there’s no formula to fix it.”

A lump forms in her throat and she swallows painfully. Her father’s eyes glaze over. Hange is thankful for his myopia, because meeting his look of sadness would be too much to handle.

“But... But I also learned that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. It means taking those moments with you, letting them shape you, and then making something new out of them. And I learned that there’s a certain value in letting go, in breathing, in living.”

Hange looks around at the campus she’s leaving behind. The garden where she sat on countless occasions, just to observe the natural life. The trees that gave her shade as she strolled, Levi’s arm caressing her skin and her heart fluttering with happiness. The swimming pool to which she carried those encouraging posters that took hours of hard work, all so that, when Levi got into position, he could glance sideways at her and the corner of his mouth could twitch in a self-conscious smile.

“Laughing so hard your stomach hurts, spending classes with people who make the world seem a little less chaotic. And yes, even taking risks that have nothing to do with test tubes and a suspicious amount of baking soda. Because sometimes, the best discoveries are the ones you don’t intend to find.”

Her eyes fall on the front row, on the empty seat where someone with the last name Ackerman should sit. A deep ache squeezes her heart and she blinks away the tears.

“And—And now here we are, standing on the edge of the unknown. And that’s scary. But if there’s one thing all of you teachers, classmates and friends have taught me, it’s that the unknown is not something to fear, but something to explore. So let’s go out there together. We may fail at more than one thing, but please, we must always get up and try again.

“Well, that’s it. Thank you for sticking with me all these years, and not getting mad at me every time classes were canceled because of my little failed experiments. I know how—”

Just then, a drop of water falls onto the back of her hand. And then another, and another. Hange raises her head and is suddenly unable to see anything but dancing drops. Below the stage, people start shrieking, covering their makeup and knocking over chairs in their eagerness to escape the rain.

“Don’t leave!” exclaims one of the teachers. “The diplomas are yet to be handed out.”

A clap of thunder rumbles in the distance, which only stirs up the crowd even more. It also causes Hange to react. 

Levi. Airport. 

It’s late.

Without a second thought, Hange jumps off the stage and runs to her father. 

“I need to leave right now.”

“Ah?”

“Levi is at the airport and…”

“You want a ride.”

No . 

She weighs her surroundings, the chaos of the crowd entering the gym, the swaying treetops, the rain that has already soaked her hair and clothes. Her stomach churns with dread. Weather like this makes disasters possible.

“I…” Her fingers, suddenly cold, tremble slightly as she removes her cap. 

“We can give you a lift, Hans,” offers Nanaba, who just appears to her right.  Behind her, Mike nods.

“But, your diplomas... I think they’ll continue with the ceremony in the gym.”

“Come on, we owe you, anyway. For lying and all that.”

“Are you sure?” her dad asks.

Hange rushes to embrace him. 

“I’ll call you later,” she tells her as she walks away. “But don’t leave until it stops raining, okay?”

“Best of luck, my dear!”

The car screeches to a halt in front of the airport’s main gate. Hange gets out in a hurry. Her feet slip on the wet asphalt, but she keeps running, ignoring Nanaba’s shout for her to be careful.

The airport bustles with the chaos of travelers. Humidity is in the air, even inside. On the way here, Hange scoured the web for available flights to Liberio, and discovered that there are only two. One in the evening and one leaving... five minutes ago. 

“Too late, too late,” Hange gasps as she runs through the sea of people. But despite what reason dictates, she refuses to accept it is too late. 

Then, in the distance, she spots it. A figure standing apart from the hustle and bustle, leaning against a column near the boarding gates. She’d recognize it anywhere.

Levi.

She slows down until she’s walking toward him. He notes her almost instantly. For a moment, his stoic facade cracks and a flash of vulnerability crosses his face. His normally firm shoulders seem to sag slightly, as if the weight of his emotions was too much to bear alone. But then he straightens up, pride running high, and runs a hand through his hair. Stoicism returns to him.

“Hey…” The airport noise fades into the background as she stops in front of him. And suddenly, she has no idea what to do. She planned to get here and find him, stop him before he disappeared. But beyond that? 

A few strands of black hair float over his forehead. His lean, athletic body, honed by years of swimming, is taut, his shoulders stiff, especially the injured one, which he rubs from time to time as if to ease the pain. He wears a simple black hooded sweatshirt, baggy but not loose enough to hide the defined muscles of his arms, and dark joggers that hang low on his hips. A travel bag rests at his feet, ready for the journey ahead.

Although he tries to disguise it, the worry about what’s coming is reflected in the faint lines around his eyes; in the way his jaw clenches in frustration and his eyes avoid contact.

She hates seeing him like this. A little lost, a little uncertain. He’s always been so sure of himself, that she thought nothing would ever break him. But even with everything, he’s still strong. He stands firm in the face of the storm, and even when he must be scared, he’s willing to travel alone to Liberio and undergo that operation, without hesitation. All for a possibility.

“Four eyes, what are you—?”

Hange rushes to him and hugs him. She just knows that life is warmer when he’s with her. That her ideas are clearer and her worries lighter. That, after an exhausting day, her enthusiasm to investigate and her curiosity about the world always come back to life when he gifts her with a smile. She couldn’t bear to live her dream carefree while his is in ruins. 

Suddenly, everything becomes clear. 

She wants to be with him while he rebuilds it; to stay by his side and be his support, just as he’s been hers all these years.

When she tightens her hug, Levi lets out a whimper of pain that prompts her to release him, as if she had just touched a burning flame.

“Sorry, sorry.” She frowns. Though she’s glad and all, there was almost no chance of catching up with him. “How come you’re still here?”

“There was an unforeseen problem with the weather and…”

Levi points to the screen announcing the flights. They all have the word ‘Canceled’ on the side. A huge smile breaks out on her mouth. Indeed, the unexpected is not always bad.

“Didn’t you have a speech to give?”

Hange waves a dismissive hand. “Oh, that’s done. I kept it as short as possible to use the time efficiently; that’s to say, the storm interrupted the event, and I finished early. To come here.”

He drags a hand through his hair. 

“You didn’t have to come say goodbye.”

“Oh, I didn’t come for that. I’ll go with you.”

“What?”

“Yeah.” Hange shrugs. “You’ll have your surgery and then go to rehab, and I’ll be with you through it all. Or whatever comes through.” 

“But... Paradis…”

“Paradis can wait.”

Things won’t go the way she imagined. She won’t graduate at the age she’d planned, her project will be shelved for now, and the dream of working with Dr. Morris...yeah, that won’t happen either. She allows herself a moment to lament that uncomplicated future, then clears her throat to halt those thoughts. For all that she wishes things had been different, that the path had been smooth and easy for both of them, she doesn’t regret her choice. In fact, it’s as if whatever had been gripping her heart for the past few days had finally released her. Freed her.  

“I’ll defer my admission for a year, and I’ll come back when you’re better. But right now I want to be here for you. Don’t worry, my dad will agree.”

“You don’t have to do this.” Levi visibly swallows and averts his gaze to a far corner. “There’s a good chance that even with this, I won’t be able to swim again.”

She grabs his hand. He allows the contact and, when he turns to face her, his features reveal the vulnerability he’s been trying to hide all this time. There’s hesitation in his eyes, even a hint of fear. It makes her want to hug him even tighter, to shower him with kisses until he too believes everything will be alright. Instead, she squeezes his hand.

“If that happens, we’ll face it together. Truth be told, I’ve spent the last few days researching; your chances of full recovery are over 70%. Not bad. I also found a couple of experimental therapies that have potential, and—don’t worry, I won’t leave you alone.” A thought bursts into her head, a shadow that makes everything seem opaque. “Unless you don’t want me to go, because in that case I can always... maybe I was too quick to decide…”

Levi shakes his head and pulls her in for a hug. 

“There’s no one else I’d rather be with.”

Hange allows herself to be enveloped by his scent, the familiarity and warmth that, without fail, makes her heart feel at peace and her limbs lighten. And yet, something sharp and painful, of recent creation, seeps between the two of them and causes her to ask, “So you’re not… tired of me?”

He pulls away just enough to look at her in disbelief. “You’re my favorite person in the whole world. I could never get tired of you.”

She kisses him. Elation overwhelms her heart and makes it beat faster and warmer. 

The future may be uncertain, and even scary, but sometimes, letting go and doing what feels right is worth it.

With the right person, Hange thinks, it’s always worth it.

***

In the distance, another couple observes the two fools embracing. It’s a relief to see them finally acting like themselves; holding nothing back and supporting each other in anything and everything. That’s the way they’ve been since they met. The last few weeks have been unsettling, to say the least, standing in the middle of them while they were determined to act in ways so opposite.

“Do we interrupt them?” Mike asks.

“Shh. Gotta enjoy the moment.” Nanaba sighs with relief. “At last Hans will stop brooding about feelings and get back to talking about science.”

“We’ll have to say goodbye to them soon,” Mike exhales after a moment. He places an arm around Nanaba and pulls her close to his side. “I’m going to miss you, Nana.”

“Me too.” She leans her head back against his arm. “But we’ll be okay, right?”

“Of course we’ll be. All of us.”