Work Text:
Sirius watched James' face light up with a laugh, the sun casting an almost golden glow on his tan skin.
They were alone in the dorm; Remus was in the library studying with Lily, and Peter was at chess club. They were sitting on James’ bed and just talking.
They weren’t talking about anything of importance. They just said whatever thoughts came to mind.
Sirius loved talking to James like this. Their conversations could last hours, long after anyone else would have gotten bored.
James sighed contentedly and leaned back until he was lying on the bed. Sirius followed and laid on his side, just looking at James’ profile.
James turned and smiled at him. His signature lopsided grin that every girl in Hogwarts swooned at.
“You should’ve seen Minnie’s face, Pads. I swear to Merlin, she’s never looked so pleased in her life.” James was gesticulating wildly as he recounted a conversation he had with Professor McGonagall earlier that day.
James’ gaze felt heavy as he beamed at Sirius, clearly proud of himself for garnering such a reaction out of their stern Transfiguration teacher. He was probably waiting for a response from Sirius but he was too transfixed on his best friend’s smile.
Sirius couldn’t take it anymore. He closed the short distance between James and himself and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
It was soft, tentative, like nothing Sirius had ever experienced before.
James instinctively kissed back until Sirius came back to himself and pulled away. His heart was beating much too fast for a kiss so chaste but he knew it couldn’t be helped.
James quirked an eyebrow with a questioning look but didn’t recoil like Sirius had been dreading. “What was that for?”
His tone was light, curious even. Like that kiss was nothing like the momentous thing it had been for Sirius.
Sirius turned onto his back and stared up at the crimson canopy of James’ bed. “Nothing,” he muttered, trying not to sound too bitter.
James crowded into Sirius and tried to look him in the eye. “What happened, Padfoot? Look, it’s no big deal; we just kissed. It didn’t mean anything.”
Sirius tried his hardest not to cry. He felt the tears pricking his eyes and his throat tightening. But he couldn’t help it. A single tear dripped down his cheek, and he knew James saw it.
“What’s wrong?” James’ voice had a tinge of panic to it. “Sirius, what’s wrong? It’s alright.”
Sirius didn’t know what to say. James was too bloody good. He wouldn’t let Sirius lie to him, and Sirius didn’t think he would be able to anyway. “I love you,” he said with a shaky breath.
“I love you, too,” James responded simply, sending a jolt through Sirius’ entire being.
He looked to James when he realized what he meant. Of course James loved Sirius. That wasn’t even a question. It just wasn’t in the way that Sirius wanted so desperately.
He couldn’t help it. The tears came faster and harder, and Sirius let out a wet sob. “No, James. I’m- I’m in love with you.”
It was a quiet confession. Sirius could see that it took a moment for his statement to land. When it did, James’ face crumbled.
“Oh, Pads, I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he pulled Sirius into his chest.
Perhaps pathetically, Sirius easily folded into him, burying his face in the Gryffindor jumper James was wearing, and sobbed. It hurt. Horribly. James was just rubbing a sure hand up and down his back, whispering words that Sirius could never hope of hearing.
Sirius was a masochist. It felt like he was breaking in half, being held by James like this. But he couldn’t bring himself to let go. At least James was holding him.
Sirius didn’t know how long they stayed like that. All he knew was that it was awful. Both he and James knew that there was nothing either of them could do to make it better.
Eventually, once Sirius had cried himself out, he extricated himself from James’ arms. James’ expression was heartbroken, almost like Sirius imagined his own face looked.
He crawled off the bed and moved to pull on his boots.
“Sirius,” James called from the bed.
“James. Please.” Sirius wished he wouldn’t beg. But he was always weak when it came to James. If he looked at him, he would never be able to leave. “I just need some space. I’ll be ok.”
He could feel James’ eyes on him. “I love you,” he said carefully as Sirius moved toward the door.
Sirius swallowed and tried to ignore the pit those three words formed in his gut. He closed the door behind him.
☆
James felt like his whole world had been shifted on its axis. After Sirius left, he stared up at the crimson canopy above his bed, seeing nothing.
James didn’t notice when the door eased open, letting a sliver of light into the quickly darkening room. He didn’t hear the routine creak of that one floorboard.
He hadn’t realized that Peter even entered the room until he muttered a quiet lumos , and noticed James lying on his bed.
“Prongs?” Peter asked hesitantly.
James startled, “Oh. Peter,” he said faintly, scrubbing a hand over his face to wipe any stray tears.
“Are you alright?” Peter edged closer, sitting on the end of James’ bed.
James let out a humourless laugh. “I don’t know. Probably not.”
Peter looked around, maybe trying to find someone else better equipped to handle this situation, before accepting that it would have to be him. “Where’s Sirius? Did you have a fight?"
That was probably the worst thing Peter could have possibly asked. Tears welled up in James’ eyes as the pure hurt on Sirius’ face flashed in his mind. “Not really,” James croaked. “But I don’t really know what else to call it.”
Peter tilted his head and studied James’ face. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Wormy, I don’t even know where to fucking start.”
“Just try.”
James took a shaky breath. “It’s just- it’s not fair! And I can’t even do anything about it. I hurt him- it’s my fault. I’m the one that’s supposed to protect him! I fucking- I failed him. I didn’t mean to, I swear. I just- I want-” James couldn't continue. The sobs came back in full force and he folded in on himself, burying his face in his knees.
Peter moved to put an arm around him. “Hey, take a deep breath, Prongs. You haven’t failed anybody.”
James leaned into Peter. “You don’t understand. I hurt him. You shouldn’t be comforting me right now; I don’t even have the right to be upset about this.”
“You’re right, I don’t understand the situation, but I know that you would never intentionally hurt Padfoot. I also know that you are allowed to feel whatever you feel.”
“But I’m the person who’s supposed to be comforting him. And I can’t even do that because I’m the one that caused him to need to be comforted.”
Peter didn’t have a response to that. He just rubbed a hand over James’ shoulder as he cried.
At some point, Remus came into the room. Peter said something to him that James didn’t hear, and Remus came back after a few minutes with some food from the kitchens.
“Have you seen Sirius?” James asked, his voice croaky.
Remus looked up. “No. Do you not know where he is?”
James shook his head. “Can you check the map? I’m worried about him. I shouldn’t have let him leave like that.”
Remus got up to get the map right as the door to their dorm room opened. All three of them stared as Sirius walked into the room.
His eyes were bloodshot and there was eyeliner smudged beneath his eyes. His uniform was crumpled, like he had been sitting in a tight space for a while. His expression was blank of all emotion.
But all that was contrasted by his energy. Sirius walked into the dorm with his head held high, the way he had when he first came to Hogwarts. He walked with an air of arrogance and grace, his posture suggesting that he was better than everyone else and he knew it.
Sirius was acting like the Black heir he had never wanted to be. He was closed off like he hadn’t been in years, since James had gotten him to open up.
It was like a knife to the heart. James felt hollowed out and raw in his guilt while Sirius walked past as if he was unaffected. The worst part was how James knew it was an utter lie.
“What are you lot looking at?” Sirius snapped, shuffling over to his bed.
No one said anything as he kicked off his boots with more force than necessary and climbed into bed, about to slam the curtains shut.
“Wait!” James called, and he didn’t miss the flicker of hope that entered Sirius’ eyes. “Erm- we have shepherd’s pie. I know you probably haven’t eaten yet, so.”
Sirius barely met James’ eye. “I’m alright, thanks. I’m not hungry.”
“But,” James knew he was grasping at straws. He just felt so helpless. “It’s your favourite,” he mumbled.
Sirius’ face crumbled a little bit, like a stone statue left to weather in the elements. “I know,” he murmured back before slamming the curtains shut with a tell-tale silencing charm.
☆
The silence in the dorm was deafening. Sirius could barely stand it. He wanted to steal Remus’ record player to play music so loud it woke the Slytherins up in their dorm rooms. He wanted to scream and cry and shout enough to make everyone uncomfortable, to make them feel a fraction of what he felt.
Most of all he wanted things to go back to normal. He wished he had never kissed James. He wished he hadn’t ruined everything like he was wont to do. He wished he hadn’t kissed James, because how was he supposed to live life knowing what it was like and never get to do it again?
In his worst moments, most often in the dead of night, Sirius just wanted James to love him. He was afraid of the lengths he thought of going to so that he would.
He dreamed about giving James a love potion, just so that James would say he loved him in the way Sirius so desperately wanted. He thought about somehow casting a confundus so powerful that James wouldn’t question it when Sirius told him they were in love. He imagined kissing James, calling him his, getting everything he had ever wanted—and crying because it wasn’t true, it would never be true, and James didn’t love him like that.
Sirius might’ve felt alone in his grief, if he could even call it that. Peter and Remus were walking on eggshells around the other two marauders. He could hardly stand to be alone with James, for fear he would kiss him again and never be able to stop.
So, yes, Sirius probably should’ve felt alone, but he didn’t. Because late at night, when he could’ve sworn he was the only one awake, sobbing about what could have been and what never will be, he could hear James doing the same.
James was the worst out of all of them at silencing charms. He had never felt the need to be quiet or tone himself down. James was loud and boisterous and it was what Sirius loved about him. So Sirius didn’t know whether James didn’t bother with a silencing charm, thinking he was the only one awake, or if he cast one and it just wasn’t able to hold.
Sirius had fought down the urge so many times to go to James at night. He knew it wouldn’t fix anything. But he just wanted to be held. He wanted to be wrapped up in James, no matter how much it hurt, just for the safety and love he always felt.
One night a couple weeks after Sirius kissed James, he sat in his bed, staring at the same crimson canopy he and James had laid under a million times. He was tossing and turning and he could hear James sniffling from across the room.
Sirius finally couldn’t take it anymore. He padded over to James’ bed and pulled open the curtains like he had so often done before.
“Sirius,” James whispered. “What are you doing?”
Sirius sighed as he pulled open the covers. “I missed you. I just- I wanted to be near you.”
James reached for him before he had fully settled into the bed. “I missed you too, Pads. So fucking much.” His voice was shaky.
James’ arms reached around Sirius’ body and Sirius sunk into the embrace, burying his face into James’ shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Sirius.”
Tears leaked out of Sirius’ eyes. He sort of felt like he was breaking in half. “I’m sorry, too.”
“If- if I liked blokes, you know I’d be in love with you, right, Sirius? I’m really fucking sorry that I don’t.”
Sirius let out a sob. He wasn’t sure if he wished James had said it or not. It was everything he had ever wanted to hear, except it wasn’t it at all. “I know, James. I know.”
Sirius hated himself for it, but a part of him was tempted to ask James just to pretend. To ask him to say he loved him even if he didn’t mean it. To kiss him even if it wasn’t with the same feeling Sirius had.
The thing was, he knew that James would do it. James would drop everything to make Sirius happy, in the same way Sirius would do for him.
He knew it was selfish. But he had always been selfish about James.
“Would you kiss me again, James? If I asked?”
James let out a shuddery breath. “I would. But I don’t think it would be fair to you.
Sirius pressed a gentle kiss to James’ collarbone where his shirt had ridden down. “I wish things were different. This isn’t fucking fair.” Sirius said it so quietly, he wasn’t sure James would hear him. But of course he did. He always did.
“I know,” James breathed just as quietly. “I’m so sorry, Padfoot.”
The apologies wouldn't change anything though. Sirius and James just laid in the quiet, listening to their matched breathing in the quiet space of James’ bed.
Sirius didn’t feel any better when he woke up the next morning, enveloped in James’ arms. He felt drunk and hungover at the same time, lost and mourning something that was right next to him.
It was less awkward between him and James, though. They both realized it hurt worse to be apart than it did to be together.
James pretended not to see Sirius’ lingering looks toward him, and Sirius pretended that James’ lingering looks weren’t directed towards Lily.
He cheered and celebrated when Lily finally agreed to go out with James in seventh year, only to rage at the injustice of it all later that night, alone and in bed, after James had gushed to him about how it felt to finally be with the girl of his dreams
He stood at James’ side on his wedding day as his best man, ignoring the ugly, vicious part of him that desperately wished to be in Lily’s place instead.
He cried when James told him that Lily was pregnant and asked him to be the godfather. He and James both pretended the tears were of happiness.
It should’ve been harder. And it obviously wasn’t easy . But Sirius loved James too much to hold him back. He loved Lily enough to be happy for her and James.
He loved James enough to stand by his side and watched as he got everything he had ever wanted.
Sirius tried really hard not to be bitter that he would never experience the same.