Work Text:
Will wants them to see. To comment. He knows how sexy he looks. With a little bit of discipline he feels himself changing, getting effortlessly lankier, baggy pants and narrow waist.
At first they swoon. The fan edits are hotter. They think it's the shirt, the hair, the heat-flush from the being on stage in the dead of summer. Then they notice. (It's his schedule, "make sure someone feeds him!") They worry about it, but they love it. Edgy and gorgeous, angles and cheekbones. The worry is pushed aside to make room for the buzz they feel when they look at him. Will likes to push it to that line, when there's a little worry but he looks exquisite and they know it.
He checks his body often, but not often enough to draw comments. He gathers the excess fabric of his shirt until it outlines his waist, narrower than a month ago, a bit more delicate than last week. So damn much shirt. He massages his collarbone between his thumb and forefinger and relishes the feel of it. He feels strong and lean and beautiful. He feels a brief spike of something like adrenaline, but less. Vanity and satisfaction.
Then the game is to push it past the line, to when the results have to be hidden. Will loves the gorgeous feeling of having lost control of it, of giving in to it, and hiding it like a dangerous secret. A little makeup to look healthier. Jumpers to hide elbows and shoulder bones. He doesn’t put words to it, but instinctively he knows to stop touching his collarbones publicly. Body checks are a private indulgence.
Then they stop discussing. That's when he knows he's gone too far.
He consults his graphs and meticulously plans a path back to even. He gathers all of his willpower and forces himself to follow it. Gaining weight repulses him even when it’s deliberate. He can feel it under his skin, like every cell is puffy and his bones are hard to reach. It’s distracting. But he knows he has no choice. Soon they will swoon again and abandon their worry (he looks healthy, doesn't he?). It'll be uncomfortable, he knows, but so, so worth it. For his pain he'll get what he craves. They'll forget again and it will buy him months off from scrutiny. He can have another turn. Another chance to get high on the feeling of his body changing, on the buzz of accomplishment.