Fast And Delirious.

hi besties. just a lil reminder from your local feral brainrotted goblin: this is RPF (real person fic), which means it’s about real people doing fake things inside the chaotic wonderland that lives rent-free in my head. do not send this to drivers, teams, your uncle at red bull, or some poor intern named luca who’s just trying to survive. keep it in the fanfic bubble where it belongs. we are delulu in private, as a treat.
now back to irregularly scheduled lestappen insanity 💋
— love u, pls be normal, coz i won’t xx

Chapter 1 Chapter Text

Fast and Delirious (8) 🔥🏎️

Lando changed the group name to "Fast and Delirious"
Lando added 'Victim of Charles Abuse', 'Honey Badger', 'Baby Bwoah', 'Just an Inchident', 'Smooth Operator', 'Dadbod', and 'Insufferable British Bloke'

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WELCOME MY LITTLE SPEED DEMONS TO THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS, HIGHLY CURATED, ELITE CHAT OF F1 DRIVERS 🚗💨💨💨

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): i just woke up what is this

Carlos (Smooth Operator): This is already a bad idea.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Why is my name this.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHY IS MY NAME THIS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): historical accuracy

Daniel (Honey Badger): oh this is going to be GOOD

Lewis (Dadbod): What’s with the name? I do not have a dad bod.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): You lot need to have some professionalism.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): and YOU need to get blocked like the rest of the grid but i have HOPE

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Lando why am I "Victim of Charles Abuse" when I literally dominate this sport.

Charles (Just an Inchident): You are called that because you are my victim.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM NOT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): 🤷‍♂️

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): this is so beautiful. my children. fighting.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): why am i baby bwoah

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because ur baby and ur bwoah

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): ok fair

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Why is George here.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): That is a ridiculous question. As the director of the GPDA, I—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THERE IT IS

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I KNEW IT.

Daniel (Honey Badger): LET’S GOOOOO HE CAME IN HOT WITH THE GPDA TALK

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Shut up George.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): That’s incredibly rude. As drivers, we should be advocating for—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): bro u already got blocked by half the grid pls don’t make me do it too 💀

Lewis (Dadbod): Y’all need to meditate or something.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Why is Lewis "Dadbod"

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because he has dad vibes. and a bod.

Lewis (Dadbod): That makes absolutely no sense.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): At least your name isn’t a direct personal attack.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Mine is.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): DESERVED.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): is this how all group chats go

Daniel (Honey Badger): mate this is tame

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Lando where’s the rest of the grid.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): they blocked me 😔

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): why

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because of REASONS

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I can think of several.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SHUT IT GPDA UNION LEADER

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I bet Charles told everyone to block you.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I do not have to tell them. You do it yourself.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CHARLES YOU ARE SO EVIL

Charles (Just an Inchident): Thank you.

Lewis (Dadbod): Can we use this group chat for something meaningful?

Daniel (Honey Badger): bro we literally just got here why u tryna unionize us already 😭

Carlos (Smooth Operator): George is here. It’s contagious.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): It is called having a structured environment.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): You are the worst.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): Can we send memes.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YES BABY BWOAH YES U CAN

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): As long as it’s not about me.

Charles (Just an Inchident): [uploads meme of Max crashing]

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): DELETE THIS RIGHT NOW.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX 😭😭 UR SUCH A VICTIM

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP CALLING ME THAT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): [uploads a baby yoda gif]

Daniel (Honey Badger): oscar that’s adorable. stay innocent. don’t let them corrupt u.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): ok 🙂

George (Insufferable British Bloke): We need to schedule a meeting for this chat so we can—

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): SOMEONE REMOVE HIM.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Oh my god.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): no one is getting removed this is PURE GOLD.

Lewis (Dadbod): We need an actual purpose for this chat.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): the purpose is VIBES.

Charles (Just an Inchident): And bullying Max.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP IT.

Daniel (Honey Badger): OH WE ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS CHAT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): i love us.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): i’m scared.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): You should be.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): CHARLES WHY DID YOU JUST SEND ME A PICTURE OF ME SPINNING AT SILVERSTONE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Historical accuracy.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU’RE A MENACE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): You are my victim.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM NOT YOUR VICTIM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): idk max this chat says otherwise

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): should we help max

Carlos (Smooth Operator): No.

Daniel (Honey Badger): Never.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Why isn’t Alex in this chat?

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because alex is a lil shit

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): that’s mean

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO. it is FACTS. he BLOCKED me

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Why?

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because SOME PEOPLE don’t appreciate being sent 47 memes at 3am.

Lewis (Dadbod): That’s fair.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): You’re insane.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU THINK THAT’S BAD? HE SENT ME A PICTURE OF CHARLES LAUGHING AFTER BRAKING TOO LATE IN FRONT OF ME IN MONACO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): That was a good moment.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): IT WAS A HORRIBLE MOMENT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): lando why did u spam alex tho

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because he NEEDS to learn the ART of MEMES

Daniel (Honey Badger): you traumatized him

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WORTH IT

Lewis (Dadbod): [uploads gym selfie] Stay ready, kings. 💪🏾 What are you lot up to?

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): eating cereal 🙂

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): scrolling memes and plotting crimes

Daniel (Honey Badger): on my couch thinking about how washed i am 😎

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Reviewing data.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Ruining Max’s life.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): CHARLES I SWEAR TO GOD—

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Ferrari is killing me.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): oh no

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I am in the trenches.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ferrari depression is real. stay strong king.

Charles (Just an Inchident): No one suffers like we do.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): No one.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): i suffer coz mclaren still makes my car orange 🤢

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): i like orange

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BABY NO

George (Insufferable British Bloke): The Ferrari situation is unfortunate, but at Mercedes, we—

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): SHUT UP GEORGE

Daniel (Honey Badger): STOP BEING GPDA IN EVERY CONVERSATION

George (Insufferable British Bloke): This is ridiculous.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): u are ridiculous

Lewis (Dadbod): This is why we meditate.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I meditate and still suffer.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): is this what f1 is always like

Daniel (Honey Badger): yes. welcome to hell, kid.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Guys, I really think we should maintain a level of professionalism in our conversations.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): bro we are literally in a group chat called FAST AND DELIRIOUS

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Nobody asked, George.

Daniel (Honey Badger): Nobody WANTS to ask, George.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): No one will EVER ask, George.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): This is the kind of negativity that is detrimental to the sport.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): u sound like an FIA press release.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): what’s gpda

Daniel (Honey Badger): basically it means george thinks he’s our dad

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I do not—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): "as GPDA director, i must remind everyone to wear their seatbelts" 🤓

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): "as GPDA director, I think we should consider the ethical implications of tire degradation" 🤓

Charles (Just an Inchident): "as GPDA director, I believe everyone should follow track limits—except me" 🤓

George (Insufferable British Bloke): You guys are acting like I’m unreasonable.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Because you are.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): guys be nice 😟

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): No.

Daniel (Honey Badger): Absolutely not.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oscar baby u are too pure for this war.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): is this a war 😟

Charles (Just an Inchident): Yes.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I am just trying to maintain some order—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): bro NO ONE here wants order

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I drive for Ferrari, I am allergic to order.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I drive for Red Bull, I thrive in chaos.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I am chaos.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): i drive for mclaren 🙂

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): baby it's okay u don't need to contribute 💕

Lewis (Dadbod): Let’s all just breathe and find peace within ourselves.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): no.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): never.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Ferrari does not allow me to have peace.

Charles (Just an Inchident): If I must suffer, so must Max.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I HATE YOU.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Can we please just have ONE civil discussion—

Daniel (Honey Badger): No.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): impossible.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): not while charles is breathing.

Charles (Just an Inchident): 😘

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): [sends meme]

📸 Picture of Lando and Oscar during a media day. Lando is doing something stupid (probably making a dumb joke), and Oscar is staring at him like he personally hung the stars in the sky.

Caption: "McLaren twinks be like: 🧎‍♂️☀️"

Carlos (Smooth Operator): This is very accurate.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Oscar, why do you look like you're about to write poetry about him?

Charles (Just an Inchident): That is the gaze of a man who would follow Lando into battle.

Daniel (Honey Badger): That is the gaze of a man who would help Lando hide a body.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): That is the gaze of a man who needs to be more professional.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oh shut UP george no one cares

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): STOP BULLYING ME.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): ???

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS SLANDER.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): bro it's literally a meme 😭

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO. YOU ARE ALL AGAINST ME. YOU ARE ENEMIES.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I am afraid.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I’m uncomfortable.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I am entertained.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I am aroused.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): DANIEL WHAT

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): IF ANYONE INSULTS ME OR MY DEVOTION TO LANDO AGAIN, I WILL HACK INTO YOUR TELEMETRY AND RUIN YOUR LIFE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHAT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): HELP.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): That is highly inappropriate—

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): SHUT YOUR BRITISH MOUTH, GEORGE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): oh my god.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oscar i love u but im scared rn

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): GOOD.

Charles (Just an Inchident): He has the spirit of Ferrari in him.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Don’t say that. That’s horrible.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I’m never looking Oscar in the eye again.

Lewis (Dadbod): This energy is incredible. Let's harness it into something positive, like mindfulness.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM MINDFUL OF WHO MY ENEMIES ARE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oscar buddy u gotta chill 😭

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NEVER.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oscar pls. baby. come back to us. 😭

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): where is my soft lil baby bwoah who doesn’t know what gpda is? 😢

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): HE IS DEAD.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oh my god.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): This is worse than Ferrari strategy calls.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Nothing is worse than Ferrari strategy calls.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO ONE MOCKS ME. NO ONE MOCKS MY GAZE. I WILL BECOME THE NIGHTMARE OF YOUR DATA ANALYSTS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Oscar, this is an overreaction.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): AND YOU ARE AN OPPRESSOR, GEORGE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): bro turned into a Batman villain.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): bro turned into Ferrari fanbase Twitter.

Charles (Just an Inchident): bro turned into me during every radio message.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): bro turned into me when I hear "plan E."

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BABY. BWOOAH. U GOTTA BREATHE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ur acting like max when i accidentally bumped into him at turn 1 that one time

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): "Accidentally" my ass.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM NOT LIKE MAX. I AM STRONGER.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): EXCUSE ME???

Daniel (Honey Badger): oh this is GOOD.

Lewis (Dadbod): Let's turn this energy into something positive—like cardio.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): THE ONLY CARDIO I AM DOING IS RUNNING TOWARDS VENGEANCE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 😭😭😭

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Oscar please… the twink energy is fading…

Charles (Just an Inchident): He is evolving.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): He is becoming dangerous.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): He is becoming a hazard to the integrity of the sport.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oscar please i miss my emotional support baby bwoah. come back to me 🥺👉👈

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): …

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): i will consider it.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): thank u 😭

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): But only if everyone acknowledges that I am terrifying.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): no.

Charles (Just an Inchident): no.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): no.

Daniel (Honey Badger): no.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): no.

Lewis (Dadbod): no, but I respect your journey.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): unbelievable.

Chapter 2 Chapter Text

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): RACE DAY BABY LET’S GOOOOO 🔥🔥🔥

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): P1. Business as usual.

Charles (Just an Inchident): P3. MAX, I AM COMING FOR YOU.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU MENACE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): TURN 1. YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MIRRORS.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU TOUCH ME AND I SWEAR—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): guys can we not commit manslaughter before lap 1

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I am starting in P6, so none of this concerns me.

Lewis (Dadbod): P5. Hoping for a clean race, boys. Good luck.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): P7. Let’s keep it safe and fair, gentlemen.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): P4. IF ANYONE TRIES TO TAKE LANDO OUT, I AM TAKING THEM OUT FIRST.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHAT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): OH?

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Here we go again.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oscar. baby. sweetheart. chill. 😭

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO.

Daniel (Honey Badger): This is the most aggressive I’ve ever seen a baby.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): can someone pls reset him to factory settings he’s malfunctioning

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Oscar, don’t you just want to go back to being baby bwoah? No thoughts, just vibes?

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO. I AM A DEFENDER OF JUSTICE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU’RE A DEFENDER OF LANDO, THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Should I take him out first?

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): TRY ME, FERRARI MAN.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): why did that actually scare me

Lewis (Dadbod): Everyone, take a deep breath. Focus. Let’s turn this aggression into lap time.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I still think Alex should be in this group.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): nuhuh.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Why?

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because alex is a lil shit. also i spammed him memes at 3am and he blocked me.

Daniel (Honey Badger): reasonable.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): very reasonable.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I would block you too.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I have blocked you before.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): yeah but you unblocked me coz you needed memes for your instagram story

Charles (Just an Inchident): don’t expose me.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): JUST SAY THE WORD, LANDO. I WILL HACK INTO ALEX'S PHONE AND UNBLOCK YOU.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BABY NO STOP BEING A VILLAIN. I NEED YOU TO BE CUTE AND WHOLESOME AGAIN.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Yes. Return to baby.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Return to monkey.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Return to innocence.

Daniel (Honey Badger): Return to bwoah.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): …I will think about it.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): pls buddy. for me. 🥺👉👈

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): …fine.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): THANK GOD.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Okay, but back to the topic—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO SHUT UP GEORGE NO ONE CARES

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THE LIGHTS ARE ABOUT TO GO OUT IN AN HOUR AND YOU’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT ALEX

Charles (Just an Inchident): SEE YOU IN TURN 1, MAX.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): DO NOT TOUCH ME.

Lewis (Dadbod): Manifesting a clean race.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Manifesting Ferrari strategy doesn’t ruin my life.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): Manifesting Lando wins.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 🥺🥺🥺 i love you baby bwoah.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 🔪.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ok nvm.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): CHARLES IF YOU SEND IT ON ME IN TURN 1 I SWEAR TO GOD—

Charles (Just an Inchident): I’M NOT SENDING IT, MAX. I’M COMMITTING TO IT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THAT’S THE SAME THING

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): GUYS PLS CAN WE NOT HAVE A MURDER ATTEMPT BEFORE LAP 2

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): LANDO I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THESE MEN.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO ONE NEEDS PROTECTING

Charles (Just an Inchident): EXCEPT YOU FROM ME

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): IF CHARLES BREATHES NEAR LANDO, I WILL LAUNCH HIM INTO THE STRATOSPHERE.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Ferrari would like to offer you a contract.

Charles (Just an Inchident): EXCUSE ME????

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OSCAR STOP PLS THIS IS NOT BABY ENERGY ANYMORE

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): JUST SAY THE WORD, LANDO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WHAT WORD. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): Permission to commit violence.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NOOOOOOOOOOOO

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Okay but before we race, I just want to discuss some safety protocols—

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): SHUT UP GEORGE

Charles (Just an Inchident): NO ONE CARES GEORGE

Carlos (Smooth Operator): WHO INVITED HIM

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I DID. UNFORTUNATELY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): CAN I TAKE HIM OUT TOO.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): NO YOU CAN’T WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Lewis (Dadbod): Okay, let’s all take a deep breath. Focus on the goal. We’ve trained for this. We’ve worked for this. Let’s channel this energy into performance.

Daniel (Honey Badger): yeahhh cool and all but I’m literally starting from the garage because of the RED BULL CARRRR.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Can’t relate.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I hope Charles puts you in the wall.

Charles (Just an Inchident): FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I’M GONNA THROW UP PLEASE STOP THREATENING EACH OTHER

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): DONT WORRY LANDO. I WILL—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO YOU WILL NOT

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Oscar is running on pure hatred.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): This is very concerning.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YOU KNOW WHAT’S CONCERNING? YOUR PERSONALITY.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): OH MY GOD 😭😭😭

Charles (Just an Inchident): BRO GOT COOKED BEFORE LIGHTS OUT

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OSCAR PLEASE GO BACK TO BEING CUTE AND WHIMSICAL. STOP BEING A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): …I will try.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Thank you.

Lewis (Dadbod): Now, let’s go out there and race well. No incidents, no drama. Just clean, respectful racing.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Respectful? With Charles behind me? Be serious.

Charles (Just an Inchident): See you in Turn 1. 😈

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): See you in hell.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I HATE IT HERE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): CHARLES. IF YOU TOUCH LANDO. I WILL END YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): WHOA WHOA WHOA WHY AM I PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE HERE??? MAX IS RIGHT THERE???

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): EXCUSE ME???

Charles (Just an Inchident): You breathe my air, Verstappen. That’s enough reason.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Oh my god you are actually insane.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I will brake check you.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU’VE DONE IT BEFORE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): DO IT, COWARD. I DARE YOU.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OSCAR PLEASE. I AM BEGGING. LOOK AT ME. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM YOUR GUARD DOG.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NOOOOOOOOO YOU ARE MY BABY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): Babies can bite.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM.

Charles (Just an Inchident): WHY DOES HE WANT ME DEAD.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): Because I see what you are.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): What the actual hell.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I just think that, before the race, we should all reflect on the ethical responsibilities we have as professional athletes and the message we send to young fans—

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NOT NOW GEORGE

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU HAVE BEEN MUTED

George (Insufferable British Bloke): You can’t mute me this isn’t a Teams meeting.

Daniel (Honey Badger): well YOU KNOW WHERE I AM MUTED??? IN THE GARAGE. BECAUSE I’M STARTING FROM THERE. BECAUSE OF THE RED BULL CARRRRR.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Sounds like a you problem.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I AM SUFFERING. HAVE SOME COMPASSION.

Lewis (Dadbod): Guys, take a deep breath. Feel your heartbeat. Feel the energy of the moment. It is an honor to be here, to be alive, to race.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Lando, what’s it like up there? On the front row? Must be nice. I wouldn’t know.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oh no 😭

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I CAN FEEL THE STRATEGY NIGHTMARE BREWING.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Are they making you start on hards again?

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I WISH. THEY ARE GONNA PUT ME ON A MEDIUM-SOFT-HARD-SOFT-INTERS-DRY-ANOTHER MEDIUM STRATEGY OR SOMETHING INSANE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): That actually sounds horrible wtf.

Charles (Just an Inchident): It’s Ferrari. The horror is inevitable.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): If Ferrari ruins Carlos' race, I will fight the entire pit wall.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OSCAR PLEASE. BE NICE. BE WHOLESOME. RETURN TO BABY MODE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): Baby mode disabled.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 😭😭😭

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Okay but actually, we should have Alex in here.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): no.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): Why???

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because he blocked me.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): You are so insufferable.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YEAH WELL LOOK AT YOUR NAME BITCH

Lewis (Dadbod): Hey, no. Let's all calm down.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I would block you too, Lando.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): SAME.

Charles (Just an Inchident): That’s the only thing I agree with Max on.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I WILL DEMAND ALEX TO UNBLOCK YOU. NO, I WILL THREATEN HIM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BABY. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND ME.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I DEFEND WHAT I LOVE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

Charles (Just an Inchident): I’M GONNA VOMIT.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): This is toxic.

Daniel (Honey Badger): YOU KNOW WHAT’S TOXIC? THE RED BULL CAR.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oh my god.

Lewis (Dadbod): Manifest greatness, guys. Whatever happens today, we are already winners. It’s all about the mindset.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): The only mindset I have is fear.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): The only mindset Charles has is MURDER.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU SHOULD BE SCARED.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM READY TO FIGHT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM NOT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I AM ALREADY TIRED.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I AM ALREADY IN PAIN.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I AM CONCERNED ABOUT THE LACK OF PROFESSIONALISM.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GONNA DEFEND FOR MY LIFE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I AM GONNA SEND IT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM GONNA UNLEASH VIOLENCE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM GONNA CRY.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): ALRIGHT. PHONES AWAY. IT’S TIME.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): JUST DRIVE CLEAN.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX. IF YOU TOUCH LANDO. I WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): OH MY GOD OSCAR STOP IT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Can someone tell my engineer to let me pit at a normal time??

Daniel (Honey Badger): Can someone tell my team that I EXIST.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ALEX JUST TEXTED ME ‘GOOD LUCK U GREMLIN.’

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I ACCEPT THIS AS A FORM OF APOLOGY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU WERENT EVEN THE ONE WHO GOT BLOCKED.

Lewis (Dadbod): Alright. Manifesting a clean, good race. No bad energy.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I AM BAD ENERGY.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): PHONES DOWN. NOW. SERIOUSLY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I HAVE ONE LAST THING TO SAY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OH GOD.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX, IF YOU—

George (Insufferable British Bloke): OSCAR NO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): FINE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THANK YOU.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): BUT IF ANYONE BREATHES NEAR LANDO—

George (Insufferable British Bloke): PHONES DOWN. LIGHTS ARE ABOUT TO GO OUT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I regret everything.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I regret waking up.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I REGRET CHARLES BEING BORN.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I REGRET NOTHING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM ALWAYS WATCHING.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM SO STRESSED.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I AM TRYING TO KEEP ORDER.

Lewis (Dadbod): I AM SENDING POSITIVE ENERGY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I AM BRACING FOR PAIN.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I AM STUCK IN THE GARAGE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM SO DONE WITH CHARLES.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I AM ABOUT TO SEND IT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM ABOUT TO THROW HANDS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I AM TURNING MY PHONE OFF NOW. SO SHOULD YOU ALL. LIGHTS OUT IN 10M.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM PRAYING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM STILL WATCHING.

Chapter 3 Chapter Text

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CHAMPAGNE SHOWERS BABYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MY CAPTAIN. MY KING. MY NUMBER 1.

Charles (Just an Inchident): … I AM FUMING.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM FUMING HARDER.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I AM AT FERRARI.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I AM JUST HERE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I AM GOING TO FILE A REPORT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX. MY BELOVED. ARE YOU OKAY? YOU DROPPED FROM P1 TO P4.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): HE’S NOT OKAY. HE’S NEVER GONNA BE OKAY. HE’S ON THE FLOOR.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MAX VERSTAPPEN IS CRYING IN HIS LITTLE RED BULL SHOES. PLS HELP HIM.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): SHUT UP, CHARLES.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU CAN HEAR HIS LITTLE SOBBING NOISES THROUGH THE PADDOCK. SO SAD.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Smoooooth operatoooor, smoooooth operatooooor—

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM NOT OKAY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX CRYING RN: 😭😭😭

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX, YOU GOOD???

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM NOT GOOD.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HE’S SUFFERING.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HE'S BEGGING.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HE'S ON HIS KNEES.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): LET’S HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MAX VERSTAPPEN, WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY SMOKED BY LANDO NORRIS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THIS IS A VIOLATION.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I THINK WE SHOULD ALL REFLECT ON RACE ETHICS AND—

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): OH MY GOD.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): GET THIS MAN OUT OF HERE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): NO ONE CARES, GEORGE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): IMAGINE THINKING ABOUT ETHICS WHEN LANDO NORRIS JUST ENDED MY LIFE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): AT LEAST YOU GOT TO RACE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I STARTED FROM THE DAMN GARAGE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I WASN’T EVEN ON THE GRID.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I HAD TO WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO GO BEFORE I EVEN MOVED.

Lewis (Dadbod): But you still got points, mate! Let’s focus on the positives.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I WILL NOT FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES. I AM THE NEGATIVES.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW FERRARI TRIED TO SCREW ME OVER.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): WHY DID THEY WANT ME TO PIT ON LAP 2???????

Charles (Just an Inchident): I THINK THEY JUST DO IT FOR THE THRILL.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): MY ENGINEER IS A THRILL-SEEKER.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I AM A SURVIVOR.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I THINK STRATEGY PLAYS A MASSIVE ROLE IN OUR SPORT AND IT’S IMPORTANT WE—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ENOUGH, GEORGE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO MORE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NOT TODAY, GEORGE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HOW DOES IT FEEL, MAX, TO BE BULLIED?

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): HOW DOES IT FEEL TO FINISH SECOND??

Charles (Just an Inchident): IT FEELS LIKE YOU WERE BEHIND ME.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): OH MY GOD.

Lewis (Dadbod): Let’s all breathe in… and out… let’s embrace the journey.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM NOT EMBRACING SHIT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM EMBRACING LANDO WINNING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX GOT DROPPED LIKE A BAD HABIT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU WERE BEHIND ME THE WHOLE TIME OSCAR.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): AND THEN I WASN’T.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): IM GOING TO LOSE IT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM JUST BASKING IN MY GLORY RN.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM SO HAPPY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I LOVE LIFE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I DON’T.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I HATE LIFE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I AM NOT EVEN SURE I EXIST.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I WISH I DIDN’T EXIST AT FERRARI.

Lewis (Dadbod): Everything is a lesson. Let’s embrace it.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX. CHARLES. I HAVE ONE FINAL QUESTION.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHAT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): WHAT NOW.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): HOW DOES IT FEEL TO SEE LANDO NORRIS ON THE TOP STEP.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 😎😎😎

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I’M LEAVING.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I’M BLOCKING OSCAR.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): DO IT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YOU CAN’T STOP ME.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): CAN WE DISCUSS RACE DYNAMICS AND SAFETY MEASURES—

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO, WE CAN’T.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): LOG OFF, GEORGE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I’M DONE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MAX IS CRYING AGAIN.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): SHUT UP.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): LET’S CELEBRATE LANDO’S WIN WITH MORE MAX SLANDER.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I SWEAR TO GOD.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

Lewis (Dadbod): Love and light, everyone. Love and light. 🌟

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW I WON.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I JUST WANTED TO REMIND EVERYONE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): LANDO. MY BIG STRONG WINNING MAN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): SO PROUD OF U. SO BRAVE. SO FAST. SO TALENTED.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOSE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED.

Charles (Just an Inchident): BECAUSE YOU LOST.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): FOURTH PLACE. FROM POLE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): THAT’S THREE WHOLE POSITIONS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MATHEMATICALLY SPEAKING, THAT’S AN L.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX’S ENGINEER WAS PROBABLY LIKE “OKAY MAX WE’RE P4” AND MAX WAS LIKE “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.”

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I BLAME CHARLES.

Charles (Just an Inchident): EXCUSE ME????

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU WERE ANNOYING ME.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HOW WAS I ANNOYING YOU.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU WERE THERE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): BEHIND ME.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THEN NEXT TO ME.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THEN IN FRONT OF ME.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE ME ALONE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): OH. YOU MEAN I WAS RACING YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): IN A RACE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YES AND IT WAS VERY DISTRACTING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX REALLY SAID "CHARLES WAS RACING ME IN THIS RACE. UNFAIR."

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Carlos (Smooth Operator): MAX WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS SPORT IS.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): A PLACE WHERE I WIN.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): AND TODAY. I DID NOT WIN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): THAT’S SO SAD. AWWWW.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): EVERYONE SAY “AWWW.”

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Charles (Just an Inchident): AWWWWWWWWWW.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): AWWWWWWWWWW.

Daniel (Honey Badger): AWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Lewis (Dadbod): Awww. Love and light, Max. Love and light.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): AWWW. LET’S TALK ABOUT THE ETHICAL IMPLICATIONS OF—

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO ONE CARES, GEORGE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX DO YOU NEED A HUG.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I NEED A NEW SPORT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MIGHT I SUGGEST GOLF.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO ONE CAN HIT YOU IN GOLF.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ACTUALLY IF I HAD A GOLF CLUB I WOULD—

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): ENOUGH.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): MAX BEING LIKE “WHY ARE YOU RACING ME” WHEN WE’RE ALL LITERALLY HERE TO RACE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): “CHARLES WAS TOO CLOSE TO ME” OKAY PRINCESS.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I’M GOING TO BLOCK ALL OF YOU.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO YOU WON’T.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU LOVE US.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO I DON’T.

Charles (Just an Inchident): AWWWWWW MAX LOVES US.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I’M GONNA CRY, HE LOVES US.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): MAX CAN’T EVEN QUIT THIS SPORT BECAUSE RED BULL WON’T LET HIM LEAVE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 😭😭😭😭 MAX ISN’T EVEN STUCK IN P4, HE’S STUCK IN RED BULL.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND…

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM LOGGING OFF.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MAX CRYING RN: 🏎️💨💨💨💨😭💨💨💨💨

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I HATE ALL OF YOU.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX. BUBBA. SWEETIE. LIGHT OF MY LIFE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YOU’RE JUST MAD BECAUSE A BABY, A REDHEAD, AND A FISH HATER BEAT YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): Not a red head but go off ig

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LOGGING OFF FOR REAL.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CELEBRATORY ICE CREAM FOR ME AND OSCAR.

Charles (Just an Inchident): NONE FOR MAX.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): OR GEORGE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I HAVEN’T EVEN DONE ANYTHING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): AND YET, YOU EXIST.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU’RE ALL THE WORST.

Daniel (Honey Badger): Everyone’s making fun of Max but can we talk about the real tragedy of today.

Daniel (Honey Badger): My race.

Daniel (Honey Badger): Or should I say, my lack of race.

Daniel (Honey Badger): Because I started in the garage.

Daniel (Honey Badger): LIKE A SAD, FORGOTTEN, ABANDONED LITTLE PUPPY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Charles (Just an Inchident): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Lewis (Dadbod): Sending you love and light, Daniel. Love and light.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): What happened was truly unfortunate, mate. The FIA—

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): FIA DID NOTHING WRONG I JUST DRIVE FOR RED BULL.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Tragic.

Daniel (Honey Badger): My car was literally like, “No.” Just. NO. Didn’t even bother with the “Maybe.”

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): RED BULL GAVE YOU WINGS, BUT ONLY ONE OF THEM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): HE WAS TRYING TO FLY WITH ONE WING.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ONE WING DANIEL.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): ONE WING HONEY BADGER.

Lewis (Dadbod): One Wing Honey Badger sounds like a great band name.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): DANIEL I’M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

Daniel (Honey Badger): THANK YOU.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): You finished in the points, mate.

Daniel (Honey Badger): BUT AT WHAT COST.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THE COST OF GETTING POINTS?

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MATE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU GOT POINTS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YOU’RE IN THE TOP TEN.

Daniel (Honey Badger): CARLOS. MY FELLOW SOLDIER IN PAIN. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Gracias.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): Because let me tell you, Ferrari tried to end me today.

Charles (Just an Inchident): OH I KNOW.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): DANIEL AND I HAVE SUFFERED TODAY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): THE PAIN. THE STRUGGLE. THE BETRAYAL.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU CAME P5.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): BUT I AM IN A FERRARI.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO LIVE EVERY SECOND IN FEAR.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): TO SEE THE STRATEGY TEAM APPROACH AND WONDER, “WILL I SURVIVE THIS?”

Carlos (Smooth Operator): TO LOOK AT THE PIT WALL AND KNOW. THEY ARE NOT LOOKING BACK.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): EVERY DAY, I WAKE UP, AND I AM STILL IN FERRARI.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): My engineer told me, “We’re thinking Plan C.”

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I SAID, WHAT THE HELL IS PLAN C.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): HE SAID, “WE DON’T KNOW YET.”

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): FERRARI JUST GIVING VIBES. NO STRATEGY. JUST VIBES.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): Yeah, that’s normal.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN’T WARN ME????

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): IT’S FUNNY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I AM TRAUMATISED.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I’VE BEEN TRAUMATISED SINCE 2019.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I THINK IT BUILDS CHARACTER.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): WHAT CHARACTER? I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WELL. ON A HAPPIER NOTE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OSCAR GOT A PODIUM.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I’M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MY BABY BOY ON THE PODIUM.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I AM BABY AGAIN.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU WERE SO ANGRY THIS MORNING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): SHHHH. NO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): BABY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I’m so proud of you, little guy.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Daniel (Honey Badger): ME TOO, MY LITTLE AUSSIE PRODIGY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Lewis (Dadbod): Growth. We love to see it.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): HE’S MY BABY GUYS BACK OFF.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): LANDO MADE ME ICE CREAM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OF COURSE I DID.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): AND HE PUT A LITTLE FLAG ON IT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): AWWW THAT’S SO CUTE.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

Daniel (Honey Badger): YOU GUYS ARE SO SOFT I LOVE IT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I’M GONNA BE SICK.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YOU’RE JUST MAD YOU DIDN’T GET ICE CREAM.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHY WOULD I WANT ICE CREAM.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): IT’S HAPPINESS IN A CONE, MAX. YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX DO YOU WANT ICE CREAM.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): DO YOU WANT A HUG.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): DO YOU WANT A NEW TEAM.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse):

Daniel (Honey Badger): 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX I CAN GIVE YOU ONE (1) TINY SPOONFUL OF ICE CREAM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OSCAR NO HE HAS TO EARN IT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): HE FINISHED THE RACE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SO DID EVERYONE ELSE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I BEAT HIM, CAN I HAVE MORE ICE CREAM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO. YOU WERE MEAN TO MAX.

Charles (Just an Inchident): IT WAS DESERVED.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): AGREE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I HATE IT HERE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX I’LL SAVE YOU A SPOONFUL.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): …Thanks.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): GUYS LOOK. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

Lewis (Dadbod): So much love. So much light. Beautiful to witness.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I THINK THIS CHAT COULD BENEFIT FROM A DISCUSSION ABOUT SPORTING ETHICS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Chapter 4 Chapter Text

George (Insufferable British Bloke): WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

Carlos (Smooth Operator): bro. it’s 7 am.

Daniel (Honey Badger): IS SOMEONE DEAD.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HAS SOMEONE DIED.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): … is it max.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): is it ferrari.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): NO BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): ALEX. KNOWS. ABOUT. THE. GROUP. CHAT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ok and

Lewis (Dadbod): Brothers, let’s approach this with calm and patience—

George (Insufferable British Bloke): NO. NO CALM. NO PATIENCE. ALEX. KNOWS. ABOUT. THE. GROUP. CHAT. AND HE’S SAD HE’S NOT IN IT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oh no.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): oh no.

Daniel (Honey Badger): oh no.

Charles (Just an Inchident): oh no.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oh no.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): why are we oh no-ing.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): because it’s Lando’s fault.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): definitely Lando’s fault.

Charles (Just an Inchident): yeah it’s 100% Lando’s fault.

Daniel (Honey Badger): totally Lando’s fault.

Lewis (Dadbod): Lando, accountability is key in moments like this.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): HELLO?

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I WON A RACE YESTERDAY AND Y’ALL STILL WANNA BLAME ME?

Carlos (Smooth Operator): yes.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): yes.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): yes.

Charles (Just an Inchident): yes.

Daniel (Honey Badger): yes.

Lewis (Dadbod): Yes, brother.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ????????

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I DIDN’T ADD ALEX BECAUSE HE BLOCKED ME.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I LITERALLY CANNOT ADD HIM.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): sounds like a skill issue.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU KNEW THIS ALREADY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): yeah we did.

Charles (Just an Inchident): but it’s still your fault.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ??? HOW?

George (Insufferable British Bloke): YOU SHOULD’VE TRIED HARDER TO GET UNBLOCKED.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I SENT ALEX ONE TOO MANY MEMES AND HE BLOCKED ME.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): but at what cost.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): APPARENTLY MY ENTIRE DIGNITY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): correct.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO. YOU KNOW WHAT? NO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SINCE I AM THE GROUP ADMIN, I AM NEVER LETTING ANY OF YOU ADD ALEX.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THIS CHAT IS MINE AND I WILL GATEKEEP IT LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): ??? EXCUSE ME?

Carlos (Smooth Operator): lando.

Charles (Just an Inchident): LANDO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): LANDO NO.

Daniel (Honey Badger): LANDO YES.

Lewis (Dadbod): Let us not hold grudges, but rather embrace inclusion.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU WANNA BLAME ME FOR THIS? FINE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEN I WILL BECOME WHAT YOU FEAR MOST.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AN UNHINGED GROUP ADMIN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): bro no pls i am just a baby

Carlos (Smooth Operator): lando. think about what you’re doing.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO ONE WILL EVER ADD ALEX ALBON TO THIS CHAT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): WHO SNITCHED TO HIM ANYWAY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): WAIT YEAH WHO SNITCHED.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YEAH. WHO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): WHO.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHO.

Daniel (Honey Badger): WHO.

Lewis (Dadbod): Brothers, honesty is a virtue—

George (Insufferable British Bloke): IT WAS ME.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ?????

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): ?????????

Carlos (Smooth Operator): ?????????????????????

Charles (Just an Inchident): ????????????????????????????????????

Daniel (Honey Badger): WHY????

George (Insufferable British Bloke): BECAUSE ALEX IS MY BEST FRIEND AND HE DESERVES TO BE HERE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SO YOU SNITCHED ON US?

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YOU WENT TO HIM AND TOLD HIM EVERYTHING??

Carlos (Smooth Operator): YOU BETRAYED US?????

Charles (Just an Inchident): TO A NON-GROUP MEMBER?????

Daniel (Honey Badger): DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THIS IS A BREACH OF LOYALTY.

Lewis (Dadbod): We must forgive him, for he knew not what he was doing.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): HE WAS SAD, GUYS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): HE SAID, “YOU HAVE A GROUP CHAT WITHOUT ME?” AND LOOKED AT ME WITH THOSE SAD PUPPY EYES.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): AND I PANICKED.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): SO YOU JUST TOLD HIM EVERYTHING???

George (Insufferable British Bloke): YES????

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): UNBELIEVABLE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ALEX ALBON WILL NEVER SET FOOT IN THIS GROUP CHAT.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): LANDO YOU CANNOT JUST BAN HIM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YES I CAN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): yes he can.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): yeah tbh he can.

Charles (Just an Inchident): he is literally admin.

Daniel (Honey Badger): you brought this upon yourself george.

Lewis (Dadbod): Perhaps this is a lesson in the consequences of our actions.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): wow for once I am not the one being bullied.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): WAIT YOU’RE RIGHT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX. YOU DIDN’T PODIUM.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): HAH.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): HAHAHAHA.

Daniel (Honey Badger): MAX DIDN’T PODIUM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oh my god.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX DIDN’T PODIUM.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): WE MUST BULLY MAX FIRST.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): PRIORITIES.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MAX.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MAXIMILIAN.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM LEAVING THIS CHAT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO YOU ARE NOT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): BULLYING FIRST.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEN WE RETURN TO GEORGE’S CRIMES.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I HATE YOU ALL.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MAX.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): MAXIMILIAN.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAXIMUS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAXINE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): MAXIMUS DECIMUS MERIDIUS, COMMANDER OF THE ARMIES OF THE NORTH, GENERAL OF THE RB LEGIONS, LOYAL SERVANT TO THE TRUE EMPEROR, CHARLES LECLERC.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YES.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NAH.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I JUST WANNA SAY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): P4 FROM POLE THO?

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): P4 FROM POLE THO???????

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): P4 FROM POLE THO 😭😭😭

Daniel (Honey Badger): P4 FROM POLE THO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LEAVE ME ALONE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): bro you started first and then just casually kept falling backwards.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): literally like an iPhone without battery saver mode.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): or a helium balloon someone let go.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): or a sinking ship.

Daniel (Honey Badger): or my will to live every time I realize I race for Red Bull as a second driver.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU BLAMED ME FOR IT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU SAID I "DISTRACTED" YOU.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU DID.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHY WERE YOU EVEN THERE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ??? I WAS RACING?

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): OK BUT WHY BEHIND ME?

Charles (Just an Inchident): WHERE ELSE SHOULD I HAVE BEEN???

Carlos (Smooth Operator): max, did you expect charles to just NOT be in the race?

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): yeah max, should he have parked and watched?

Daniel (Honey Badger): "guys we should ban charles from driving because he exists near max and max gets distracted 🥺"

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): bro legit started first and got progressively worse.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): yeah we all improved except you.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): I gained 2.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I gained a position.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I gained a position.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I didn't but at least I didn't LOSE THREE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): MAX LOST THREE 😭😭😭

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I WILL FIND YOU ALL.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BRO WOKE UP AND CHOSE P4.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): from pole.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): from pole 😭😭😭

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): CAN WE TALK ABOUT DANIEL AND CARLOS INSTEAD?

Daniel (Honey Badger): hey hey hey leave me out of this.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): yeah stop deflecting max.

Daniel (Honey Badger): its unbecoming of you

Carlos (Smooth Operator): I HAD TRAGIC PIT STOPS OK.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): didn’t you guys still get points tho.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): yeah why are you crying.

Charles (Just an Inchident): points are points.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): HEY CAN WE PLEASE GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT LETTING ALEX IN.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): YES THANK YOU.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): PLEASE LET ALEX IN.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): PLEASE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): no ❤️

Carlos (Smooth Operator): no 😘

Charles (Just an Inchident): no 💕

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM NEVER LETTING ANYONE ADD ALEX.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): LANDO YOU HAVE TOO MUCH POWER.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I KNOW.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): YOU ARE DRUNK WITH POWER.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM SOBER WITH POWER.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): PLEASE JUST LET ALEX IN.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): HE'S SO SAD.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): HE ASKED ME WHY I WAS LAUGHING AT MY PHONE AND I PANICKED AND TOLD HIM ABOUT THE CHAT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): rookie mistake.

Charles (Just an Inchident): horrendous decision.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): terrible gameplay.

Daniel (Honey Badger): shameful.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): PATHETIC.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): PLEASE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): HE SAID "I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL FRIENDS" AND LOOKED AT ME LIKE A KICKED PUPPY.

Daniel (Honey Badger): that's crazy bro but p4 from pole tho.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): P4 FROM POLE THO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): P4 FROM POLE THO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): P4 FROM POLE THO 😭😭😭

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): P4 FROM POLE THO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I HOPE YOU ALL STEP ON LEGOS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): ALL OF YOU.

Daniel (Honey Badger): except oscar right?

George (Insufferable British Bloke): EXCEPT OSCAR.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): thank you.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THE REST OF US WILL REMEMBER THIS, GEORGE.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): VENGEANCE WILL BE SWIFT.

Daniel (Honey Badger): LIKE HOW SWIFT CHARLES WAS WHEN HE PASSED MAX.

Charles (Just an Inchident): AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I HATE ALL OF U

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 😭😭😭😭😭

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): p4 from pole tho.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I AM LOGGING OFF.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THAT’S CRAZY BRO BUT YOU SNITCHED. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): HOW

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU SNITCHED SO HARD.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): RAT BEHAVIOR.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): GPDA DIRECTOR FOR A REASON.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YEAH ALWAYS SNITCHING.

Daniel (Honey Badger): GETTING READY TO REPORT US TO THE FIA TOO???

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YEAH WHAT’S NEXT?? PENALTY POINTS FOR HAVING FUN??

George (Insufferable British Bloke): GUYS. PLEASE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): IT WASN’T MALICIOUS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): IT WAS OUT OF LOVE.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): BETRAYAL IS STILL BETRAYAL.

Charles (Just an Inchident): WOULD YOU SELL US TO THE FIA IF THEY ASKED.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): WHAT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): WOULD YOU, GEORGE???

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BE HONEST.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): WHY IS THIS BECOMING A TRIAL.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU THINK SNITCHING HAS NO CONSEQUENCES, GEORGE?

Daniel (Honey Badger): YOU THINK THERE'S NO JUSTICE IN THIS GROUP CHAT?

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BRO WE HAVE LAWS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): RULES.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): A CODE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): AND YOU BROKE IT.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): YOU GUYS ARE ACTING LIKE I COMMITTED A WAR CRIME.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU COMMITTED A GROUP CHAT CRIME.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): UNFORGIVABLE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WORSE THAN DROPPING FROM P1 TO P4.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): OH MY GOD.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): YOU WILL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN, GEORGE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): THEY WILL SING SONGS ABOUT THIS.

Charles (Just an Inchident): TALES WILL BE TOLD OF THE BETRAYAL OF GEORGE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): WRITTEN IN THE HISTORY BOOKS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ENGRAVED IN STONE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): OKAY BUT CAN WE JUST LET ALEX IN NOW.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NEVER.

Charles (Just an Inchident): NOT AFTER THIS.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): NOT AFTER WHAT YOU DID.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I’M BEGGING.

Daniel (Honey Badger): BEG HARDER.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU THINK BEGGING CAN ERASE YOUR CRIMES???

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I HATE IT HERE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SHOULDA THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU SNITCHED.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): snitches get stitches, george.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): you’re all so mean.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): I AM NEVER TELLING YOU ANYTHING AGAIN.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): GOOD.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): EXCELLENT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): IDEAL OUTCOME.

Daniel (Honey Badger): I LOVE DEMOCRACY.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ok but guys

Charles (Just an Inchident): how do we stop alex from finding out more about the chat now

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): we gaslight him into thinking it doesn’t exist.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 100%.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): say it was a joke.

Daniel (Honey Badger): say george was hallucinating.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): say george is mentally weak and cracked under pressure.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): WHAT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): TOO LATE, GEORGE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): this is what happens when you snitch.

Charles (Just an Inchident): actions have consequences ❤️

George (Insufferable British Bloke): you all deserve life in prison.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): P4 FROM POLE THO.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP IT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): NEVER.

Chapter 5 Chapter Text

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): GUYS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I FOUND THE BEST EDIT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): PLEASE LOOK.

Lando has sent a video.

🎶 "I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED IN" 🎶

A black-and-white slow-motion clip of Charles and Max arguing in the cool-down room.
A dramatic cut to a TikTok transition where Max shoves Charles mid-race.
Then, suddenly: Romantic slow-mo eye contact from a 2021 press conference.
A heavily saturated, pink-filtered montage of Charles and Max side-eyeing each other with hearts floating around.
Close-up on Charles looking mad, captioned: "He hates him so much (they are in love)"
Max smirking in the background, captioned: "He’s so obsessed with me"
Then, an unnecessarily slowed-down shot of Charles whispering, "Verstappen," in an interview.
Cut to an edit of Enemies to Lovers AU - Lestappen Edition in Comic Sans.
Ends with a photoshopped wedding photo of them holding hands while Toto Wolff officiates.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): DELETE THIS.

Charles (Just an Inchident): LANDo WHAT IS THIS.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): 💀💀💀💀💀

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Daniel (Honey Badger): OH MY GODDDD.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I’M CALLING THE POLICE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): THIS IS DEFAMATION.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I THINK IT’S ART ACTUALLY.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): masterful editing.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): poetic cinema.

Daniel (Honey Badger): chef’s kiss

George (Insufferable British Bloke): FINALLY, SOME GOOD CONTENT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LANDO. DELETE. IT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING BUT ALSO I WANT TO STRANGLE YOU.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): SAME.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SEE YOU AGREE ON SOMETHING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): besties ❤️

Daniel (Honey Badger): the ship sails itself, really.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I WILL BLOCK YOU ALL.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ME TOO.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): okay but tell me why the wedding edit kinda goes hard tho.

Daniel (Honey Badger): RIGHT???

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): the tuxedos?? the way Toto is looking so proud??

George (Insufferable British Bloke): the artistic direction was insane.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THANK YOU, I KNEW YOU GUYS WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO ONE APPRECIATES IT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I LITERALLY HATE YOU ALL.

Daniel (Honey Badger): lando send another one.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): YEAH.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): do it.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): drop another edit king.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SAY LESS.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LANDO DO NOT YOU ABSOLUTE MENACE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YEAH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU LANDO.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GENUINELY GOING TO KILL YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ME FIRST.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): is this a competition???

Carlos (Smooth Operator): bro they’re LITERALLY trying to see who can kill Lando first.

Daniel (Honey Badger): enemies to lovers to murderers. full circle.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OK BUT DID YOU GUYS LIKE THE MUSIC CHOICE THO???

George (Insufferable British Bloke): ABSOLUTELY ICONIC.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): the TAYLOR SWIFT TRACK SENT ME.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): why did it actually fit tho.

Daniel (Honey Badger): THE WEDDING CHAPEL EDIT??? TOTO OFFICIATING???? BRO I CAN’T BREATHE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I CAN'T BREATHE EITHER, BUT FOR A DIFFERENT REASON.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MAX, GRAB THE WEAPONS, WE’RE GOING TO WAR.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): ALREADY LOADING UP.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): HELP.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): now, now, violence is never the answer 😇

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oscar since when were you the PEACEMAKER.

Daniel (Honey Badger): yeah bro you were ready to FIGHT over a twink meme yesterday.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): that was DIFFERENT.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): FOCUS, GUYS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): LET’S LET MAX AND CHARLES YELL. THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): CHARLES THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): MY FAULT??? HOW???

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU BREATHE TOO LOUDLY.

Charles (Just an Inchident): BRO WHAT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): LMAOOOOO

Daniel (Honey Badger): “you breathe too loudly” bro is trying so hard to be mad.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): max is in the denial stage of grief.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): coping, seething, and malding.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LANDO THIS IS YOUR FAULT, BUT CHARLES STARTED IT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): LITERALLY HOW.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU EXIST.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR RED BULL.

Daniel (Honey Badger): bro he already choked on the race.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NAH THAT WAS MURDER LMAO.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): CHARLES DID YOU MEAN TO RUIN MAX’S RACE OR NAH???

Charles (Just an Inchident): …NO.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): HE HESITATED.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): bro was calculating his answer.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): my man had to process his sins.

Daniel (Honey Badger): CHARLES JUST ADMIT YOU WANTED HIM GONE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I DIDN’T.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): THEN WHY WERE YOU YELLING AT ME AFTER RACE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): BECAUSE YOU WERE YELLING AT ME.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU STARTED IT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU STARTED IT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LIAR.

Charles (Just an Inchident): PATHOLOGICAL GASLIGHTER.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): the old married couple energy is INSANE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): like y’all need therapy or a honeymoon, idk which one.

Daniel (Honey Badger): why not both?

Carlos (Smooth Operator): a couples retreat.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): bros are about to have a domestic dispute in the paddock.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WE ARE NOT A COUPLE.

Charles (Just an Inchident): WE HATE EACH OTHER.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): mmm sounds like lovers’ denial.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): oh for sure.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): straight out of fanfiction.

Daniel (Honey Badger): enemies to lovers but the enemies part is way too real.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I WILL BLOCK ALL OF YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): SAME.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): NOOO WE LOVE YOU GUYS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): you provide the best entertainment.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): honestly where would we be without you two fighting every day.

Daniel (Honey Badger): no drama? no yelling? boring.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): exactly.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU ARE ALL AWFUL.

Charles (Just an Inchident): TERRIBLE PEOPLE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): and yet. you remain.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): suspicious.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): very suspicious.

Daniel (Honey Badger): extremely suspicious.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I HATE YOU ALL.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ME TOO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 🥰🥰🥰

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ok but hear me out.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): oh no.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oh no.

Daniel (Honey Badger): oh no.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): OH NO.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): LANDO NO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I REFUSE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LISTEN.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): red and blue. ferrari and red bull. ROMEO AND JULIET VIBES.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): forbidden love. family rivalry. passionate hatred. star-crossed lovers.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP.

Charles (Just an Inchident): STOP RIGHT NOW.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): bro went full english lit professor.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): lando how long have you been cooking this theory.

Daniel (Honey Badger): bro had the oven PREHEATED.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i fear he’s been waiting for the right moment.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): and guess what.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): charles was born on the 16th of october.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): his racing number is 16.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): max was born on the 30th of september.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEY WERE BORN ONLY 16 DAYS APART.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): GET OUT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): bro this is a conspiracy at this point.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): i’m actually scared.

Daniel (Honey Badger): LANDO HAS A POWERPOINT ON THIS SOMEWHERE I KNOW IT.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): lando how long have you been connecting these dots.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): forever.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AND THINK ABOUT IT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): their on-track battles.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): the wheel-to-wheel racing.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): the tension. the drama. the yelling.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): it's ART.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM BEING CYBERBULLIED.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ME TOO.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): man shut up.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): y’all literally fight like a divorced couple arguing over who gets the espresso machine.

Daniel (Honey Badger): no literally.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): max when charles gets ahead of him: "i will KILL you."

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): charles when max gets ahead of him: "YOU WILL NEVER KNOW PEACE."

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): romeo and juliet but if they had road rage.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): romeo and juliet but instead of dying for each other, they’d push each other off a cliff.

Daniel (Honey Badger): MAXULES AND CHARET.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): bro.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): BRO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BROOOOOOOOOO.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GOING TO BLOCK ALL OF YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ME TOO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): AND YET.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): AND YET.

Daniel (Honey Badger): AND YET.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): you remain.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): suspicious.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): very suspicious.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): extremely suspicious.

Daniel (Honey Badger): highly suspicious.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM LEAVING THIS CHAT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ME TOO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO YOU WON’T.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU LOVE US.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YOU LIVE FOR THE CHAOS.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): YOU WOULD BE SO BORED WITHOUT US.

Daniel (Honey Badger): YOU’RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO LEAVE.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): 😡

Charles (Just an Inchident): 😡

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): 😘💖

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WAIT.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): NO.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): yes.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oh hell yes.

Daniel (Honey Badger): cook chef cook.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): so first of all.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BLOND AND BRUNET.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BLUE EYES AND GREEN EYES.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LIGHT AND DARK.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NIGHT AND DAY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OPPOSITES. PERFECTLY BALANCED.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LIKE YIN AND YANG.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I WILL LEAVE THIS CHAT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): STOP TALKING.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OH I’M JUST GETTING STARTED.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU'RE BOTH LIBRAS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): DESTINED FOR CONFLICT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BUT ALSO DESTINED TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER LIKE NO ONE ELSE CAN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): STOP IT THAT'S SO ROMANTIC.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): bro is speaking FACTS.

Daniel (Honey Badger): i'm in TEARS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): is this a racing group chat or a fanfiction forum.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LIBRA ENERGY IS SO STRONG WITH THEM.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CHARLES WITH HIS DRAMATIC EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX WITH HIS ANGRY BURSTS OF PASSION.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU TWO WERE MADE TO CHALLENGE EACH OTHER.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FIRST.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): see how in sync they are.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): literally two halves of the same rage-filled soul.

Daniel (Honey Badger): romeo and juliet but instead of dying together they just scream at each other on the radio for eternity.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): like two wolves fighting.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): two wolves inside one FIA briefing.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): one wants to complain about penalties. the other wants to complain LOUDER.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): lando has a phd in the science of max and charles beef.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): he did the research.

Daniel (Honey Badger): he studied the blade.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): listen listen listen.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): blue and red make PURPLE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AKA royalty.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): aka max and charles were born to rule this sport through drama and hatred.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): IM ACTUALLY GOING TO SCREAM.

Charles (Just an Inchident): STOP SAYING THINGS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NEVER.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): this is the best thing that has ever happened to this chat.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): no because i’m actually convinced now.

Daniel (Honey Badger): how do we delete something from our brains because lando has rewired my entire perception of them.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): he’s made Lestappen CANON.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): and i will CONTINUE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): blonde boy with anger issues. dark-haired boy with trauma.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SHAKESPEARE HIMSELF COULD NEVER.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GOING TO PRESS CHARGES.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): MAX. CHARLES. WHAT IF THIS WAS FATE.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): WHAT IF THE STARS ALIGNED FOR THIS EXACT MOMENT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oscar no—

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): WHAT IF YOU WERE DESTINED TO RACE WHEEL TO WHEEL FOREVER.

Daniel (Honey Badger): oscar i love you but you need to stop.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO. HE NEEDS TO KEEP GOING.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): lads i think we actually broke max and charles.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): they’ve been stuck on "😡" for a full five minutes.

Daniel (Honey Badger): one of them is gonna fight lando in the paddock tomorrow.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): i hope it’s charles. he’s shorter. lando has a chance.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I FEAR NOTHING.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): YOU SHOULD.

Charles (Just an Inchident): YOU SHOULD.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): and yet. i don’t.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): because deep down…

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): i know you love the drama.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): and THAT’S the real Lestappen magic ✨

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LISTEN.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): STOP.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YES.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): absolutely yes.

Daniel (Honey Badger): buckle up boys.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i am about to regret my entire life.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): they are literally the same height.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): well. max is 181 cm and charles is 179 cm.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BUT THAT’S LIKE TWO CENTIMETERS DIFFERENCE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): two.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX IS LIKE A SINGLE NEEDLE AWAY FROM BEING THE SAME HEIGHT AS CHARLES.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): wait actually insane.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): they’re literally built to stand side by side perfectly.

Daniel (Honey Badger): their eye levels are aligned perfectly for tension.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i need you all to see a therapist.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEY’RE ALWAYS SITTING CLOSE TO EACH OTHER IN BRIEFINGS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LIKE EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I’VE STUDIED IT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEY ALWAYS GRAVITATE TOWARDS EACH OTHER.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO BC YOU'RE RIGHT.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): no like actually.

Daniel (Honey Badger): something something magnetic pull of rivals something something.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I DO NOT GRAVITATE TOWARDS CHARLES.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I DO NOT GRAVITATE TOWARDS MAX.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OKAY THEN EXPLAIN WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS SIDE BY SIDE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ALMOST LIKE YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS KNOWS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): THE SUBCONSCIOUS IS A POWERFUL THING.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): the universe is working so hard.

Daniel (Honey Badger): god’s strongest soldiers.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX IS A CAT PERSON.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CHARLES IS A DOG PERSON.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OPPOSITES AGAIN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): INSANE.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): MAX HAS TWO CATS.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): CHARLES HAS A DOG.

Daniel (Honey Badger): THEY ARE THE LITERAL EMBODIMENT OF CAT VS DOG DYNAMIC.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): ENEMIES BUT ALSO SAME ENERGY.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): okay now i’m actually a little scared of how deep you’ve gone.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEY UNFOLLOWED EACH OTHER ON INSTAGRAM IN 2021.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AND NEVER FOLLOWED EACH OTHER AGAIN.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): BRO.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): the pettiness is so strong.

Daniel (Honey Badger): this is like middle school drama but elite athlete edition.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): that’s actually hilarious.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO. BECAUSE. BOTH OF THEM ARE HOT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SERIOUSLY HOT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): actually though.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): objectively speaking.

Daniel (Honey Badger): scientifically proven.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LIKE MAX HAS THE WHOLE ANGRY DUTCHMAN THING.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AND CHARLES HAS THE WHOLE FRENCH PRINCE BUT SAD VIBES.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEY'RE LIKE TWO DIFFERENT FLAVORS OF HOT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): like hot in very different ways but still hot.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): i’m just sitting here nodding.

Daniel (Honey Badger): respectfully agreeing.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): mildly horrified but cannot deny the truth.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

Charles (Just an Inchident): WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THE VISION.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX. CHARLES. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU’RE NOT JUST RIVALS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU'RE A LITERARY PHENOMENON.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): a story for the ages.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): rivals to podium finishers.

Daniel (Honey Badger): enemies to mutual respect.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): max to charles: i hate you. charles to max: i hate you more.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LITERAL CINEMA.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GOING TO DELETE THIS CHAT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I AM GOING TO DELETE MYSELF FROM THIS CHAT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): max and charles blocking lando speedrun

Carlos (Smooth Operator): world record pace.

Daniel (Honey Badger): lando won today.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i need an aspirin.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM UNSTOPPABLE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OKAY. LISTEN.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LISTEN TO ME.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): NO.

Charles (Just an Inchident): SHUT UP.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): YES.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): absolutely yes.

Daniel (Honey Badger): this is already my favorite morning.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i’m already exhausted.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CHARLES.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NAMED HIS DOG.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LEO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LIKE LION.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): AND MAX.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): HIS WHOLE NICKNAME IS THE DUTCH LION.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): NO. STOP.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oh my god.

Daniel (Honey Badger): this is poetry.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i’m quitting.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): COINCIDENCE?????

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I THINK NOT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): SHUT. UP.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): STOP. TALKING.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM JUST SAYING.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CHARLES NAMED HIS DOG AFTER MAX.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): UNDENIABLE TRUTH.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): this is an academic paper waiting to happen.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): we have to shut this down before lando publishes a full thesis.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): GUYS. GUYS. GUYS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): CHARLES LOVES HIS DOG SO MUCH.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): HE NAMED HIS BELOVED CREATURE AFTER MAX.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): HE DID NOT.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I DID NOT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU DID.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WHY ELSE WOULD YOU NAME HIM LEO?

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): max is the only lion in your life.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): max is your leo.

Daniel (Honey Badger): max is your lion, charles.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): this is getting worse.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I CANNOT UNSEE IT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX. YOU’RE CHARLES’ SPIRITUAL ANIMAL.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): HIS TOTEM.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): HIS GUIDE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): HIS LION KING.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM GOING TO KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I AM GOING TO KILL LANDO FIRST.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM THE TRUTH.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): IT’S WRITTEN IN THE STARS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): AND IN HIS DOG'S NAME.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): the prophecy was foretold.

Daniel (Honey Badger): max you are charles’ lion soul.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): can we PLEASE talk about literally anything else.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): NO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BECAUSE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THE LION SYMBOLISM RUNS TOO DEEP.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): MAX. YOU WERE BORN TO BE CHARLES’ RIVAL.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): OR HIS DESTINY.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): OR HIS SOULMATE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): HIS OTHER HALF.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i am actually losing brain cells.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): I AM LEAVING THIS CHAT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE EACH OTHER.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): OH MY GOD.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): lando is on another level today.

Daniel (Honey Badger): i fear we have unlocked something dangerous.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): if we let this continue, lando will be writing a multi-chapter analysis with citations.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): don’t tempt me i have a google doc ready.

Max (Victim of Charles Abuse): I AM BLOCKING YOU.

Charles (Just an Inchident): ME TOO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THEY'RE RUNNING.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): BECAUSE THE TRUTH SCARES THEM.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): HISTORY WILL REMEMBER US.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): AND THEM.

Daniel (Honey Badger): THE LION AND HIS PRANCING HORSE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): i am closing this app.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): THE LION PROPHECY STANDS.

Max and Charles have left the chat.

Chapter 6 Chapter Text

Lewis (Dadbod) opened the chat.

Lewis (Dadbod): WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE.

Lewis (Dadbod): WHY ARE MAX AND CHARLES GONE.

Lewis (Dadbod): WHY IS THERE A WALL OF 400+ MESSAGES.

Lewis (Dadbod): WHY IS THE LAST THING I SEE “THE LION PROPHECY STANDS” IN ALL CAPS.

Lewis (Dadbod): WHY DO I WAKE UP TO CHAOS EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): good morning lewis.

Lewis (Dadbod): DO NOT "GOOD MORNING" ME.

Lewis (Dadbod): EXPLAIN. NOW.

Daniel (Honey Badger): okay so.

Daniel (Honey Badger): how do i put this.

Daniel (Honey Badger): the group chat had a bit of a moment last night.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): just a little one.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): a tiny, tiny incident.

Lewis (Dadbod): “A LITTLE ONE”?? “A TINY INCIDENT”?? MAX AND CHARLES LEFT.

Lewis (Dadbod): CHARLES. “JUST AN INCHIDENT.” LEFT.

Lewis (Dadbod): DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD IT HAS TO BE FOR CHARLES TO LEAVE THE CHAT?

Lewis (Dadbod): EXPLAIN.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): well. you see.

Daniel (Honey Badger): lando.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): lando.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): lando.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): not lando. 😡

Lewis (Dadbod): WHAT DID HE DO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): this is a slander campaign.

Lewis (Dadbod): LANDO. WHAT DID YOU DO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): first of all. i did nothing wrong.

Lewis (Dadbod): THAT MEANS YOU ABSOLUTELY DID SOMETHING WRONG.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): no because technically it wasn’t just me—

Daniel (Honey Badger): don’t loop us in.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): own your crimes.

Lewis (Dadbod): START TALKING.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): lando is innocent. 😡

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): oscar my sweet angel i love you.

Lewis (Dadbod): EXPLAIN OR I’M KICKING YOU OUT TOO.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): OKAY. OKAY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): SO BASICALLY.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): i made a very harmless, beautiful, completely factual observation that max and charles have an absurd amount of coincidences surrounding them.

Lewis (Dadbod): you are already on thin ice.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): lewis you have to understand.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): charles named his dog leo.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): and max is the dutch lion.

Lewis (Dadbod): AND???

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): IT’S SYMBOLIC.

Lewis (Dadbod): I AM LOSING MY MIND.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): lando wrote an entire conspiracy thesis on max and charles.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): complete historical analysis of their rivalry.

Daniel (Honey Badger): romantic undertones were implied.

Lewis (Dadbod): ROMANTIC UNDERTONES???

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I NEVER SAID THAT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I WAS JUST SAYING THEY WERE TIED TO EACH OTHER BY DESTINY.

Lewis (Dadbod): OH MY GOD.

Lewis (Dadbod): YOU FORCED THEM OUT OF THIS CHAT WITH A POWERPOINT ON THE TWO OF THEM????

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): it wasn’t a powerpoint.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): but it could be.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): and honestly i think we should explore that.

Lewis (Dadbod): OSCAR. DO NOT ENCOURAGE THIS.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): no because i had to sit here last night and witness lando yelling about how max is a cat person and charles is a dog person.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): and that they unfollowed each other on insta in 2021 and never followed back.

Daniel (Honey Badger): they literally just hate each other bro.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU DON'T GET IT.

Lewis (Dadbod): YOU’RE RIGHT. I DON'T.

Lewis (Dadbod): WHAT I DO GET IS THAT YOU CAUSED A DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT.

Lewis (Dadbod): NOW GO FIX IT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): no.

Lewis (Dadbod): EXCUSE ME??

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): i am not apologizing for my art.

Lewis (Dadbod): YOU ARE APOLOGIZING OR YOU ARE GETTING BANNED FROM YOUR OWN CHAT.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): you can’t do that i’m the admin.

Lewis (Dadbod):

Lewis (Dadbod): not anymore.

Lewis (Dadbod) has revoked Lando (Fish Hater Supreme)'s admin privileges.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): WHAT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): GASP.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): OH MY GOD.

Daniel (Honey Badger): HISTORIC.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): THE TYRANT HAS FALLEN.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): LEWIS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I BUILT THIS CHAT WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS.

Lewis (Dadbod): AND I TOOK IT AWAY WITH MINE.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme): I AM FILING A LAWSUIT.

Lewis (Dadbod): GO APOLOGIZE TO MAX AND CHARLES BEFORE I BAN YOU.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): this is oppression. 😡

Daniel (Honey Badger): lando was overthrown.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): a political coup.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): the people rejoice.

Lewis (Dadbod): I SWEAR TO GOD.

Lando (Fish Hater Supreme) has left the chat.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): oh my god.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): he’s really doing it.

Daniel (Honey Badger): he’s gone to apologize.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 😞 a fallen soldier.

Lewis (Dadbod): I DO NOT CARE.

Lewis (Dadbod): I WANT TO KNOW WHY THIS CHAT WAS ON FIRE WHEN I WOKE UP.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): well.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): since we have you here.

Daniel (Honey Badger): let’s have a chat, lewis.

Lewis (Dadbod): no.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): yes.

Lewis (Dadbod): if this is about whatever the hell 'lestappen' is, I am leaving.

Daniel (Honey Badger): oh buddy.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oh pal.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): oh legend.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): you poor, innocent soul.

Lewis (Dadbod): WHY ARE YOU ALL BEING WEIRD.

Daniel (Honey Badger): because we have to tell you something that will shake you to your core.

Lewis (Dadbod): i am already shaking.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): do you remember The Great Inchident?

Lewis (Dadbod): what the hell is The Great Inchident.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): oh my god.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): sit down.

Lewis (Dadbod): I AM ALREADY SITTING.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): okay. so.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): it’s 2012.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): little baby max and little baby charles are karting.

Lewis (Dadbod): i already hate this.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): listen.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): max is leading.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): charles pushes max.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): max pushes charles back.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): charles pushes max off the track.

Lewis (Dadbod): and??

Daniel (Honey Badger): max, when asked about it, goes “I’m leading, he pushed me, I pushed him back, and after, he pushed me off the track.”

Daniel (Honey Badger): charles, when asked about it, goes “nothing, just an inchident on the race.”

Lewis (Dadbod): So Charles literally has the chat name after this incident? With his rival?

Lewis (Dadbod): i am going to walk into the ocean.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): NO NO WAIT IT GETS BETTER.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): max was so pissed.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): charles was so smug.

Daniel (Honey Badger): and thus.

Daniel (Honey Badger): a rivalry. was. born.

Lewis (Dadbod): how does this relate to whatever unholy thing 'lestappen' is.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): oh. oh lewis.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): that was only the beginning.

Lewis (Dadbod): I don't wanna know. Forget I asked anything.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): fast forward to 2019.

Lewis (Dadbod): oh my god how many years are you going through.

Daniel (Honey Badger): ALL OF THEM.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): MAX WINS AUSTRIA BY PUSHING CHARLES WIDE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): LIKE AN INCHIDENTAL FULL CIRCLE MOMENT.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): charles says “I’ll remember that.”

Lewis (Dadbod): why is that ominous.

Daniel (Honey Badger): BECAUSE IT WAS.

Daniel (Honey Badger): fast forward to Silverstone 2021.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): guess who’s suddenly the best wheel-to-wheel duo in F1.

Lewis (Dadbod): I REFUSE TO GUESS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): charles verstappen and max leclerc.

Lewis (Dadbod): I HATE THIS.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): fast forward to Austria 2022.

Daniel (Honey Badger): guess who’s fighting clean and intense while still respecting each other.

Lewis (Dadbod): STOP MAKING ME GUESS.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): charles and max.

Lewis (Dadbod): I AM GOING TO HAVE A STROKE.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): now fast forward to Baku 2023.

Lewis (Dadbod): I DON’T WANT TO FAST FORWARD ANYMORE.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): max yeets himself into charles in the sprint race.

Daniel (Honey Badger): max asks him if he left enough space.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): charles literally, LITERALLY, goes ‘no, but it’s okay <3’

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): with the heart emoji.

Lewis (Dadbod): I AM HAVING AN OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE.

Daniel (Honey Badger): now.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): after all that history.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): lestappen. is. real.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): and lando just brought it all back to the surface.

Lewis (Dadbod): so let me get this straight.

Lewis (Dadbod): you all think. that charles and max.

Lewis (Dadbod): the two grumpiest men in the paddock.

Lewis (Dadbod): are “tied by destiny.”

Daniel (Honey Badger): correct.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): absolutely.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): without a doubt.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): 100%.

Lewis (Dadbod): i am logging off.

Lewis (Dadbod) has left the chat.

Carlos (Smooth Operator): 😭😭😭

Daniel (Honey Badger): he’s gone.

George (Insufferable British Bloke): another victim of the lestappen pipeline.

Oscar (Baby Bwoah): i hope he thinks about this all day.

Chapter 7 Chapter Text

Lando Norris was pacing. He wasn’t sure why he was pacing when he could just sit down and text Max like a normal, functioning human being, but here he was, walking around his room like a man awaiting execution. His phone was clutched tightly in his hand, his thumb hovering over Max’s contact, his brain running through every possible way this could go wrong.

Because make no mistake—this could go very wrong.

Max Verstappen wasn’t just mad. He wasn’t just pissed. No, Lando had done the unthinkable. He had les-freaking-tappen-ed Max Verstappen. He had presented the man with an edit of him and Charles—an edit, for God's sake—and now, Lando was probably on some kind of hit list. Maybe even two hit lists, because Charles had left the chat too, and when Charles left the chat, it was serious.

He was never seeing the light of day again.

His career was over.

His life was over.

His will to live was hanging by a thread.

Lando groaned and flopped onto his bed, rolling over and screaming into his pillow because he had one job—ONE JOB—and instead of keeping the peace, he had incited World War III.

And now he had to text Max.

Privately.

A one-on-one conversation.

With Max Verstappen.

The same Max Verstappen who once casually said he would drive someone into a wall if necessary. The same Max Verstappen who had been so furious after losing in karting that he had set an entire go-kart chassis on fire. The same Max Verstappen who had been caught on camera looking at Charles like he was seconds away from committing homicide.

And Lando was going to message him.

Voluntarily.

Like a man willingly walking into the lion’s den with a sign that said "Eat me, bro" strapped to his chest.

Why was he like this?

Why did he open his mouth?

Why did he have to be so good at making everything worse?

Maybe if he just disappeared off the grid for a few months, Max would forget. Maybe if he booked a one-way flight to Antarctica, Max wouldn’t be able to find him. Maybe if he deleted his number, changed his name, and underwent facial reconstruction surgery, he could live a peaceful life in exile.

But no.

Lewis had ordered him to apologise.

And Lando had already lost his admin privileges.

What more did he have to lose?

Oh. Right.

His dignity.

His sanity.

His entire existence.

He should have seen this coming. He should have known the moment he pressed send that his life expectancy had decreased by a solid ten years.

Max had left the chat.

That alone was catastrophic.

Max never left.

Even when he was mad.

Even when he was insufferable.

Even when George started talking about tire degradation in excruciating detail.

But he had left this time.

That meant Lando had broken him.

That meant Lando had done something so horrifying, so irreversibly chaotic, that Max had physically removed himself from the situation.

And now Lando had to face the consequences.

He took a deep breath.

He was a grown man.

He was a Formula 1 driver.

He was Lando Norris.

And he was about to type the most important text message of his life.

He just… needed to figure out how to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t result in his immediate murder.

Lando stared at the blank screen of his Apple Notes like it was a blank will and he was preparing to write his final words.

He took a deep breath, cracked his knuckles, and titled the note:

"How to Apologize to Max Without Dying: A Survival Guide."

A good start. Inspirational. Motivational. Tactical.

He stared at the title for five solid minutes before deleting it because there was a very real chance Max would somehow hack into his iCloud, see it, and kill him twice.

New title:

"Max, I am so sorry please do not end my life."

Better. More desperate. More pathetic. More in line with the situation.

Now, the actual apology.

Lando started typing.

Dear Sir Verstappen the Third of Red Bull Racing and Three-Time World Champion (please spare me),

I come to you today as a humble, broken man. A mere peasant in the kingdom of motorsport. A fool. A court jester. A man who has made a terrible, terrible mistake.

It has come to my attention (through the unfortunate sequence of events known as “the past twelve hours”) that my actions have caused you distress. This was never my intention. I would never purposefully inflict pain upon you, my good sir. And yet, I have committed the crime of crimes.

I posted a Lestappen edit in the chat.

At the time, I believed this to be a hilarious and objectively funny decision. But hindsight is 20/20, and as I sit here now, reflecting upon my actions, I realize that I have:

Underestimated your ability to be personally offended by Charles Leclerc's entire existence.

Underestimated Charles’s ability to also be personally offended by your entire existence.

Accidentally set off a nuclear explosion in the group chat.

Possibly lost my will to live.

For this, I offer my sincerest and most desperate apologies.

Please note that while my actions were deeply regrettable, they were not meant to imply any romantic undertones, destiny, or star-crossed lover narrative between you and Charles. That being said, I do find it extremely funny that you two were born only 16 days apart, are both Libras, have complementary eye and hair colors, are extremely close in height, and—let’s not forget—your racing number is literally 33 and his is 16, and together that makes 49, which is also divisible by 7, the number of perfection.

I digress.

What I mean to say, Sir Max of House Verstappen, is that I am deeply, terribly sorry. You are a strong, powerful man. A multiple-time world champion. A legend of our generation.

And I am a mere idiot with an iPhone and too much time on my hands.

I hope that you can find it in your champion’s heart to forgive me for my moment of clownery. If not, please let me know in advance so I can make the necessary funeral arrangements.

Best regards,
Lando Norris

Lando sat back and read over it.

It was poetic.

It was sincere.

It was humble.

It was also possibly the dumbest thing he had ever written.

Would Max accept it? Unlikely.

Would Max block him? Probable.

Would Max find him in the paddock and throw a Red Bull can at his head? Absolutely guaranteed.

But it was the best he could do.

He exhaled slowly, copied the text, and prepared to send the message.

This was it.

The moment of truth.

Would he live to see another day?

Time would tell.

Lando Norris was about to hit send.

His thumb hovered over the message like it was the launch button for a nuclear missile—which, considering it was being sent to Max Verstappen, was an accurate comparison.

He was one second away from pressing send when—

BRRRRRRRRRRRR—

His phone screen lit up with an incoming call.

From Charles Leclerc.

Lando froze.

He choked on air.

His soul briefly left his body and took a lap around the room.

No. No. No, no, no, NO.

Not now.

Not him.

Lando was about to make things right with Max. He was about to beg, plead, grovel, and possibly sell his soul to the devil himself just to get Max to stop mentally plotting his murder.

But now?

Now, the other half of the war-torn Romeo & Juliet saga known as Lestappen was calling him, and Lando wasn’t ready for this.

His brain short-circuited. His heart was doing more laps than an F1 car in a rain delay. His fingers trembled over the decline button.

Was this a trap?

Was this fate?

Was this the Formula 1 Gods themselves descending from the heavens to punish him for his sins?

He could already picture Max and Charles in a private call, discussing their plan to make his life a living hell.

Or worse—

What if they had teamed up?

Lando’s entire body broke out into a cold sweat.

What was the best-case scenario here? There wasn’t one.

Worst-case scenario? Charles was calling to tell him that he, too, was plotting his revenge and that Lando Norris should start drafting his will.

Lando let the phone ring.

He stared at the screen like it was a bomb counting down to detonation.

BRRRRRRRRRRRR—

"OH MY GOD, JUST STOP RINGING," Lando whisper-yelled at his phone, like Charles could somehow hear him through the screen.

He took a deep breath. His thumb hovered over the green button.

And then, against all logic, all common sense, and all survival instincts, Lando answered.

Lando Norris regretted picking up this call the moment he heard Charles Leclerc inhale.

There was a specific kind of inhale a person did before they verbally eviscerated you. Charles was doing that inhale.

It was the kind of inhale that said,
"Lando, you dumbass, you absolute menace, you single-handedly destroyed my peace, and now I must yell at you in a very diplomatic Monégasque way."

"Lando. What the f*ck."

Lando flinched.

Charles’ voice was sharp but controlled.
He sounded like a lawyer about to cross-examine a hostile witness in court.
He sounded like a disappointed mother who just found out her child drew on the walls with permanent marker.
He sounded like Charles.

Lando swallowed. “Uh… Hi?”

“Do not ‘hi’ me.”

Lando grimaced. “Okay. No ‘hi.’ Got it.”

There was a very dangerous silence on the other end of the line.

And then—

“WHY did you post that edit, Lando?”

Lando winced.
Okay, to be fair, in hindsight, maybe dropping a Lestappen edit in the group chat when Charles and Max were actively beefing wasn’t his smartest move.

But also, it was hilarious.

“I just thought it would be funny—”

“YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY?!”

Lando pulled the phone away from his ear as Charles’ voice spiked into dangerous decibels.

Bro was screaming.
Diplomatically.
Like a very Monégasque kind of screaming.
Like Charles Leclerc’s version of losing his sh*t, which was still 20% rage, 30% exasperation, and 50% dramatic European hand gestures even though Lando couldn’t see them.

“Lando, you posted an edit about Max and me, and then Max left the chat! AND I LEFT THE CHAT! Do you realize how bad that looks?! Do you realize what you’ve done?! Do you realize the DAMAGE?!”

Lando blinked.

“I—Max left first, actually. You left after—”

“That is NOT the point, Lando.”

Lando nodded vigorously even though Charles couldn’t see him.
Yup. Not the point. Got it.

Charles inhaled again—another one of those ‘I’m about to rip into you diplomatically’ inhales.

And then, in a controlled but deeply irritated tone, he said,

“You have made things very complicated for me.”

Lando frowned. “What? How?”

Charles huffed. Like, actually huffed.

And if Lando squinted—like, really, really squinted—he could almost hear something else under the frustration.

Something weird.

Something suspicious.

Something that sounded like…

Oh.

Oh no.

Lando froze.

He tilted his head, narrowed his eyes, and listened to Charles very carefully.

There was a weird energy in Charles’ voice.

An edge of something.

It wasn’t just rage.
It wasn’t just annoyance.
It wasn’t even just exasperation.

No.

It almost sounded like—

Lando’s entire body went stiff.

He was hallucinating.

Yup. Definitely hallucinating.

Because there was no way— NO WAY—that Charles sounded like he actually… cared.

Like he cared what Max thought.
Like he cared what Max did.
Like he cared that Max left the chat.
Like he was lowkey… affected by it.

NO. NO. NO. NOPE.

Lando shut that thought down immediately.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Brain, shut up.

Charles Leclerc hated Max Verstappen.
That was FACT.

They were rivals. They had beef.

Charles was just annoyed because it made things messy.
Charles was just yelling because it was embarrassing.
Charles was just losing his sh*t because it was a PR nightmare.

That was it.

That was the only reason Charles was reacting like this.

Right?

Right.

Definitely.

Lando was totally, 100% hallucinating.

Charles hated Max. HATED HIM.

There was no other reason why he sounded so—

“LANDO. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!”

Lando snapped out of his thoughts. “What? Yes! Of course! Totally!”

“THEN WHY AREN’T YOU SAYING ANYTHING?!”

“Uh—because… I feel bad?”

Charles sighed the most dramatic European sigh Lando had ever heard.

“Fix this, Lando.”

Lando gulped. “I’m trying.”

“Try harder.”

“…Okay.”

Charles sighed again. “I have to go. Just—”

A pause.

“Just fix it, okay?”

Lando blinked.

Something about Charles’ tone sounded off.

Softer.

Like he wasn’t just saying it for the sake of it.
Like it actually mattered to him.

Like maybe, just maybe…

Nope.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Lando shut his brain down again.

“Y-yeah. Okay,” Lando mumbled.

The line clicked off.

Lando stared at his phone screen.

He was so dead.

Chapter 8 Chapter Text

Lando Norris was having a crisis.

And when Lando Norris had a crisis, there was only one logical thing to do.

Call Oscar Piastri.

Because Oscar was baby.
Because Oscar was level-headed.
Because Oscar was the only one who didn’t yell at him like he was an overenthusiastic chihuahua on Red Bull.

So, naturally, Lando immediately dialed Oscar’s number.

It rang.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice—

And then—

“...Lando?”

Lando exhaled dramatically like he’d just been rescued from drowning.

“Oscar. Thank god.”

There was a pause.

Oscar, ever the calm and rational human that he was, immediately assessed the situation.

“…What did you do?”

Lando clutched his forehead.

“I just got absolutely destroyed by Charles, mate.”

Another pause.

Then—

“Yeah, well, that sounds about right.”

Lando scowled.

“HEY. What’s that supposed to mean?”

Oscar sighed. “Lando, I was in the group chat. I saw what you did.”

Lando groaned and flopped onto his bed, face-first into his pillow.

“It wasn’t even that bad!” came his muffled cry of despair.

Oscar huffed a quiet laugh. “You literally dropped a Lestappen edit in the chat while Charles and Max were beefing. That’s like throwing a Molotov cocktail into a forest fire.”

Lando dramatically rolled onto his back.

“Okay, first of all, it was a masterpiece of an edit. The transitions? Crisp. The color grading? Impeccable. The choice of Taylor Swift’s song as background music? GENIUS.”

Oscar made a noise. It sounded suspiciously like he was trying not to laugh.

Lando narrowed his eyes.

“Oscar. Do you think it was funny?”

Oscar was silent.

Then, very quietly—

“…A little.”

Lando gasped.

“Oscar! You can’t betray me like this and then admit I was a comedic genius in the same breath!”

Oscar sighed.

“Lando. You’re missing the point.”

Lando pouted. “What’s the point then?”

“The point is—”

A pause.

Then—

“The point is, Max and Charles left the chat.”

Lando groaned dramatically.

“I KNOW. That’s why I’m calling you! I need moral support!”

Oscar humored him.

“Okay. What’s the plan?”

Lando exhaled.

“I have to text Max and apologize.”

Oscar hummed. “Probably a good idea.”

Lando paused.

“…But what if he blocks me?”

Oscar snorted.

“He won’t block you.”

“But what if he does?”

“Lando.”

“BUT WHAT IF HE DOES?!”

Oscar sighed, but Lando could tell he was grinning.

“Then I will personally message Max and tell him to unblock you.”

Lando frowned.

“…Would that actually work?”

Oscar paused.

Then—

“…No.”

Lando groaned.

“Oscar, you’re supposed to be my rock. My anchor. My emotional support Australian.”

Oscar chuckled.

“I’m also your teammate, and as your teammate, I say—just send the text, mate.”

Lando sighed.

He sat up, staring at his phone screen like it was a bomb he had to defuse.

“…Okay.”

Oscar hummed. “Okay.”

Lando took a deep breath.

“I’m doing it.”

Oscar hummed again. “I believe in you.”

Lando nodded to himself.

Right.

He had to do this.

He had to fix things.

Even if Max murdered him in cold blood, at least he could say he died with honor.

With one final breath, Lando opened his Apple Notes.

It was time.

Lando Norris was not built for this kind of stress.

He was an F1 driver.

A professional athlete.

A man who could go wheel-to-wheel at 200mph with zero hesitation.

And yet—

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing could have prepared him for the sheer, soul-crushing terror of waiting for Max Verstappen to respond to his text.

It was sent.

It was done.

No going back now.

Lando stared at his screen, heart pounding, palms sweaty, knees weak, mom’s spaghetti—

Wait. No.

Focus, Lando.

He forced himself to breathe.

It had only been, what? Five seconds?

Max hadn’t even seen the message yet—

OH WAIT.

Message Read.

Lando’s stomach dropped.

“Oh. Oh no.”

Oscar, still on the other end of the line, hummed casually. “He read it?”

Lando swallowed thickly.

“…Yeah.”

Oscar hummed again, completely unbothered. “Nice. Now you just wait for his reply.”

Lando stared at the screen.

He felt like a man standing at the edge of a cliff, staring down into the abyss—

And then—

THREE DOTS.

Max Verstappen was typing.

Lando made a sound.

It was somewhere between a squeak and a strangled cry.

“OH MY GOD.”

Oscar laughed. “Lando, relax.”

“RELAX?” Lando hissed. “HE’S TYPING, OSCAR. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?”

Oscar snorted. “It means he’s responding.”

Lando gripped his phone tighter.

“Or it means he’s about to absolutely obliterate me with a single sentence.”

Oscar was grinning. Lando could hear it.

“Do you want me to stay on the line until he sends it?”

Lando took a deep, shaky breath.

“Yes. Please. Don’t leave me.”

Oscar chuckled. “I got you, mate.”

Lando nodded furiously.

Okay. Okay. He could do this.

He would be fine.

And then—

The three dots disappeared.

Lando’s stomach plummeted.

“…OSCAR.”

Oscar hummed. “Hm?”

“THE DOTS DISAPPEARED.”

Oscar paused.

Then—

“Oh.”

Lando clutched his forehead.

“Oh? OH? That’s all you have to say?!”

Oscar sounded amused. “Maybe he’s thinking.”

Lando groaned.

“THINKING ABOUT WHAT? HOW TO BLOCK ME?”

Oscar laughed. “Lando—”

“WHAT IF HE SAW THE MESSAGE, STARTED TYPING, GOT SO ANGRY HE PUNCHED HIS PHONE AND NOW IT’S BROKEN?”

Oscar sighed. “Lando.”

“WHAT IF HE DECIDED I WASN’T WORTH A RESPONSE AND IS LEAVING ME ON READ OUT OF SPITE?”

“Lando.”

“WHAT IF HE’S GETTING READY TO MURDER ME IN REAL LIFE?”

Oscar sighed again. “Lando.”

Lando inhaled sharply. “What?”

Oscar paused.

Then—

“…The dots are back.”

Lando’s soul left his body.

Max was typing again.

Lando Norris was about to meet his fate.

Lando Norris was going to pass away.

Right here. Right now.

On the spot.

Max’s message sat there like a loaded gun, staring him in the face.

Attached to it?

A fucking Landoscar edit.

Lando choked.

Max Verstappen knew.

And he wasn’t talking about some dumb joke.

Oh no.

He knew the secret.

The one Lando didn’t even fully understand himself.

Lando’s brain glitched.

His screen burned with the image of a very well-edited, borderline romantic montage of him and Oscar. Soft lighting, black-and-white aesthetic, some indie song lyrics (that Lando refused to read) overlaid in cursive.

The caption?

“Soulmates in the paddock.”

Lando made a sound.

It was primal.

Something between a scream and a strangled inhale.

Oscar’s voice crackled in his AirPods.

“Lando? Mate? What’s happening?”

Lando snapped back to reality.

OH SHIT.

THE CALL.

OSCAR WAS STILL ON THE CALL.

Oscar, sweet, innocent baby Oscar, who did not need to see this.

Oscar, who would never let him live it down.

Oscar, who was currently saying, “Why’d you go quiet? Did Max say something?”

Lando panicked.

He panicked so hard.

He ended the call immediately.

No warning. No explanation.

Just. Boom. Call ended.

His hands were shaking.

Holy fuck.

Max Verstappen was an agent of chaos.

And he was coming for Lando’s life.

Lando Norris was experiencing every stage of grief simultaneously.

Denial.
This wasn’t happening. Nope. This was a stress-induced hallucination. He had finally cracked under the weight of being the sole comedic relief in a paddock full of emotionally constipated men. He just needed to blink a few times, and the cursed message would be gone.

Anger.
WHAT GAVE MAX THE RIGHT? WHO TOLD HIM HE COULD DO THIS? Max was supposed to be the victim here, not the perpetrator of psychological warfare. Lando was supposed to be groveling right now, not sweating bullets because Max knew something.

Bargaining.
Maybe if Lando ignored the message, it would go away. Maybe if he threw his phone into the nearest body of water, he could escape this reality. Maybe if he suddenly retired and moved to a remote village in the Swiss Alps, Max would forget all about it.

Depression.
He was so screwed. There was no coming back from this. His career? Over. His sanity? Gone. His friendship with Oscar? DOOMED, because if Oscar ever found out Max had any sort of leverage over him, it would be over.

Acceptance.
No. NO. Lando REFUSED.

He wasn’t going down like this.

Right here. Right now. All over his phone.

Max Verstappen had him in a chokehold.

Not literally (thank God), but emotionally? Mentally? Psychologically?

1000%.

Lando stared at his phone, hands shaking, pupils dilated, fight-or-flight fully activated.

Max’s little typing bubbles were still there. Haunting him.

Every passing second felt like a year.

Lando: mate. what the fuck.

Max: i know your secret.

Lando: i literally don’t have one??

Max: oh no u do.

Max: u and oscar 😏

Lando: WHAT ABOUT ME AND OSCAR????

Max: oh i think u know.

Max: should i send this to the groupchat 🥰

Lando: MAXWELL VERSTAPPEN I AM ON MY KNEES. DO NOT.

Max: oh? on ur knees?? 👀

Lando: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

Max: ok but i have another edit if ur interested

Lando: IM NOT

Max: this one has ur little c2 moment 😍

Lando: I WILL BLOCK YOU.

Max: haha no u won’t

Lando: YOU’RE RIGHT BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I’M SUFFERING.

Max: dw ur suffering is bringing me joy

Lando: IM GONNA SCREAM

Max: oh speaking of screams… this oscar clip is so cute 🥰

Lando: DELETE IT RIGHT NOW.

Max: hmm. no.

Max: should I add music to it?

Lando: MAXWELL NO

Max: i feel like it needs like… Coldplay or some sad indie song. make it more emotional yk?

Lando: FUCK YOU STOP.

Max: hahahaha u love me really 😘

Lando: I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE MORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Max: aw. i knew u cared.

Lando: MAX.

Max: yes honey? 🥰

Lando: IM GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE FIA.

Max: for what 😇

Lando: FOR HARASSMENT.

Max: good luck with that. i have evidence of you harassing me first.

Lando: ????????

Max: remember the lestappen edit 🥰

Lando: THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

Max: no, that was art.

Max: and this is revenge.

Lando threw his phone onto his bed and screamed into his hands.

This was it. This was the end.

Max Verstappen was going to torment him for the rest of his days.

And there was nothing he could do about it.

Lando snatched his phone off the bed like it had personally offended him. His hands were still shaking. His vision was blurry. His soul was leaving his body.

This could not be happening.

Lando: MAX. LISTEN. I AM NOT EVEN GAY.

Max: that's fine.

Max: oscar isn’t gay either.

Lando: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??????

Max: u tell me 🥰

Lando: NO. I REFUSE. EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

Max: idk u guys just give a vibe 🤷‍♂️

Lando: WHAT VIBE??????

Max: like. yk.

Max: ur always staring at him.

Lando: ????? i am NOT??????

Max: hahaha okay sure

Lando: I'M NOT.

Max: u areee 😘

Lando: I AM NOTTTT

Max: u literally get heart eyes when he calls u mate.

Lando: I HAVE NEVER HAD HEART EYES FOR OSCAR PIASTRI IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Max: hahahahahaha

Lando: THIS ISN’T FUNNY.

Max: it’s a little funny.

Lando: I HATE YOU.

Max: no u don’t 🥰

Lando: MAX. STOP.

Max: stop what?

Lando: STOP SAYING SHIT LIKE THIS.

Max: why? u feeling something? 👀

Lando: IM GONNA BLOCK YOU.

Max: hahaha. no u won’t.

Lando literally flopped back onto his bed like he’d just been KO’d in a boxing match.

His heart was beating too fast. His brain was overheating. His life was falling apart.

Max Verstappen was literally ruining his life.

And the worst part?

Max was enjoying every second of it.

Lando needed to turn the tables. Desperately. His entire sanity depended on it. His soul was hanging by a thread. His reputation was in shambles. He had no other choice.

So, naturally, he pulled out the most cursed, most devious, most unhinged strategy known to mankind.

Lando: ok. ok. fine. u wanna do this? let’s do this. u wanna talk about staring? 🤔

Max: huh?

Lando: U WANNA TALK ABOUT STARING, MAX VERSTAPPEN?????

Max: not really.

Lando: TOO BAD. LET’S TALK ABOUT IT. LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW YOU STARE AT CHARLES LIKE HE KILLED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IN A PAST LIFE. LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW YOU CAN’T GO FIVE SECONDS WITHOUT LOOKING AT HIM LIKE HE'S YOUR SWORN ENEMY BUT ALSO MAYBE YOUR STAR-CROSSED LOVER.

Max: wtf are u saying.

Lando: OH I’M JUST GETTING STARTED.

Max: lando. stop.

Lando: NO. NO I WON’T. LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW THE TWO OF YOU WERE BORN SIXTEEN DAYS APART. LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW HE CHOSE THE NUMBER 16. LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW THE RED IN FERRARI AND THE BLUE IN RED BULL ARE BASICALLY ROMEO AND JULIET LEVEL SYMBOLIC.

Max: SHUT THE F* UP.

Lando: MAKE ME.

Max: I WILL.

Lando: OHHHH WHAT, YOU GONNA FLY TO MONTE CARLO AND SILENCE ME YOURSELF?? JUST LIKE HOW CHARLES LIVES IN MONTE CARLO TOO?? COINCIDENCE??? I THINK NOT.

Max: I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU.

Lando: ARE YOU GONNA MURDER ME OR ARE YOU GONNA MURDER YOUR FEELINGS FOR CHARLES LECLERC? BE HONEST.

Max: DIE.

Lando: BUT WAIT—THERE’S MORE.

Max: I SWEAR TO GOD.

Lando: YOU TWO UNFOLLOWED EACH OTHER ON INSTAGRAM IN 2021 AND NEVER FOLLOWED EACH OTHER BACK. YOU HAD A WHOLE ‘INCHIDENT’ IN 2012 WHERE YOU BOTH SHOVED EACH OTHER OFF TRACK. YOU HATE HIM. BUT YOU ALSO DON'T. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN SMILING HARDER THAN WHEN YOU’RE TRASH-TALKING HIM IN INTERVIEWS.

Max: I HAVE NEVER SMILED AT CHARLES LECLERC IN MY LIFE.

Lando: LIAR.

Max: SHOW PROOF.

Lando: OH TRUST ME I HAVE PLENTY.

Max: NO YOU DON'T.

Lando: YOU THINK I WON’T SEND 700 SCREENSHOTS RIGHT NOW???

Max: IF YOU DO, I AM BLOCKING YOU.

Lando: SEE??? YOU’RE SCARED.

Max: I’M NOT SCARED. I JUST DON’T WANNA SEE YOUR STUPID EDITS.

Lando: I HAVE A LESTAPPEN EDIT READY TO GO. DON’T TEST ME.

Max: YOU WOULDN’T DARE.

Lando: WATCH ME.

Silence.

A long, tense, heavy silence.

Lando stared at his phone, waiting for a response. He could feel the sheer rage, the pure unfiltered hatred, the absolute destruction Max Verstappen was ready to unleash upon him.

And then—

Max: i hope you crash into a wall.

Lando: hahaha u mad? 😘

Max: DIE.

Lando: that’s not very lover boy of u 😔

Max: I AM NOT A LOVER BOY.

Lando: tell that to ur entire rivalry-slash-love-hate-situationship with charles 😍

Max: YOU ARE DELUSIONAL.

Lando: AM I???

Max: YES.

Lando: …OR AM I ONTO SOMETHING???

Max: GET HELP.

Lando: NO. NEVER. NOT UNTIL YOU ADMIT IT.

Max: ADMIT WHAT?????

Lando: THAT YOU’RE OBSESSED WITH HIM.

Max: I AM NOT.

Lando: you literally stalk him.

Max: I DO NOT.

Lando: THEN WHY DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING AT ALL TIMES???

Max: HE’S ALWAYS IN MY RACES. OBVIOUSLY I KNOW.

Lando: uh huh. sure. bet you have a whole scrapbook of him under your pillow too.

Max: ACTUALLY BLOCKING YOU THIS TIME.

Lando: nooo max come back 😭

Max: no. f* you.

Lando: f* me yourself 😘

Max: I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Lando: love u too 🥰

Lando: lestappen is real. accept it. embrace it. become one with it.

Max: landoscar is real. accept it. embrace it. become one with it.

Lando: NO.

Max: YES.

Lando: MAX. YOU LITERALLY HAVE A RIVALRY SO INTENSE WITH CHARLES THAT SKY SPORTS MADE A WHOLE DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IT.

Max: OKAY AND??

Lando: AND THAT’S NOT NORMAL. WHY ARE YOU TWO SO DRAMATIC. WHY ARE YOU SHOVING EACH OTHER OFF TRACK AND THEN SMILING ABOUT IT. WHY DO YOU TALK ABOUT HIM MORE THAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN TEAMMATE.

Max: why do YOU look at oscar like you wanna write poetry about him.

Lando: EXCUSE ME????

Max: YOU HEARD ME.

Lando: first of all. HOW DARE YOU.

Max: nah nah let’s talk about it. let’s talk about how every time oscar speaks you look like you just discovered fire for the first time.

Lando: ????????????????????

Max: AND LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW YOU GET ALL GIGGLY WHEN HE SAYS SOMETHING EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY.

Lando: I DO NOT.

Max: YES YOU DO. EVERYONE SEES IT.

Lando: NAME ONE TIME.

Max: SINGAPORE PRESS CONFERENCE 2023.

Lando: THAT DOESN’T COUNT.

Max: SILVERSTONE PODIUM.

Lando: OKAY THAT ONE WAS JUST NICE MOMENTS BETWEEN TEAMMATES.

Max: SAO PAULO SPRINT INTERVIEWS.

Lando: WHY DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS.

Max: EXACTLY. YOU’RE GUILTY.

Lando: BRO.

Max: BRO.

Silence.

A very long, very heavy, very charged silence.

Lando squinted at his screen. He could feel Max’s smugness through the phone.

He took a deep breath.

If Max was going to pull out receipts, then so was he.

Lando: you hate charles. right?

Max: correct.

Lando: but also you don’t. right?

Max: incorrect. i hate him.

Lando: then why were you staring at his lips during that one press conference.

Max: I WAS NOT.

Lando: MAX. THERE IS VIDEO EVIDENCE.

Max: HE HAD SOMETHING ON HIS FACE.

Lando: AWWWWWWWW U WERE LOOKING AT HIS LIPS BECAUSE YOU CARE 🥰

Max: I AM GOING TO BLOCK YOU.

Lando: YOU CAN BLOCK ME BUT YOU CAN’T BLOCK THE TRUTH.

Max: I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Lando: not as much as you love charles 🤭

Max: LANDO.

Lando: okay so like. serious talk. small favor.

Max: absolutely not.

Lando: bro you don’t even know what i’m gonna ask.

Max: is it about the group chat.

Lando: …maybe.

Max: i already rejoined.

Lando: wait wtf really???

Max: yeah lewis dm’d me and said if i don’t he’s gonna “have a serious talk” with me.

Lando: bro same.

Max: did he also use that disappointed father voice.

Lando: YES.

Max: terrifying.

Lando: truly.

That was one problem solved.

Now, onto the next.

Lando braced himself. Took a deep breath. And typed.

Lando: sharl leclair my beloved ❤️

Charles: lando noriz my unwanted burden ❤️

Lando: okay rude.

Charles: what do you want.

Lando: so uhhh can u like. come back to the group chat.

Charles: no.

Lando: BRO PLEASE. LEWIS YELLED AT ME.

Charles: good.

Lando: PLEASE. IM BEGGING.

Charles: tell lewis to yell at max instead.

Lando: HE ALREADY DID. MAX CAME BACK. U NEED TO TOO.

Charles: 😒

Lando: charles come on.

Charles: fine.

Lando collapsed onto his bed.

Victory.

But at what cost?

Chapter 9 Chapter Text

Just an Inchident (Charles): Why did I come back.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I ASK MYSELF THE SAME THING.

Dadbod (Lewis): BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE GROWN MEN AND NEED TO BEHAVE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): ok but can we talk about how i’m NOT AN ADMIN ANYMORE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): rip 🫡

Honey Badger (Daniel): tragic. thoughts and prayers.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): You did this to yourself.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): let this be a lesson in hubris.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): you’re all enjoying this too much.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): yes.

Just an Inchident (Charles): yes.

Dadbod (Lewis): YES.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): okay wtf.

Honey Badger (Daniel): ANYWAY. we have practice today. anyone wanna place bets on how long it’ll take before someone spins?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): i won’t.

Just an Inchident (Charles): ok.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): why did that “ok” feel sarcastic.

Just an Inchident (Charles): because it was.

Dadbod (Lewis): STOP.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): max how about u bet on making it to lap 1 before ur p1 disappears

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): i hate you.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): 😭😭😭😭

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I think Ferrari is going to be suspiciously good this week.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): define suspiciously.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I don’t know. I feel like they’re setting me up.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): define setting up.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): like. false hope.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We are always good in Friday practice.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): then what happens?

Just an Inchident (Charles): we suffer.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): poetic.

Dadbod (Lewis): guys. focus.

Honey Badger (Daniel): can u believe we actually have to WORK today.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): tragic.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): wait max you never answered the bet thing.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): i am going to win on sunday.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): define win.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): GEORGE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): pole to p4 kinda win??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): 😭😭😭😭😭

Just an Inchident (Charles): I am enjoying this.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM NOT.

Dadbod (Lewis): guys.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): also we forgot something.

Honey Badger (Daniel): what.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): george is still GPDA director.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): OF COURSE I AM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): 😭

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): god help us

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): That being said... I AM GOING TO WIN ON SUNDAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No, I am going to win on Sunday.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, I AM.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, I AM.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): oh my god not this again

Honey Badger (Daniel): it's like watching two dogs bark at each other from across a fence.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): that’s ironic considering Charles is the dog person and Max is the cat person.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): STOP.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yes, please stop, George. You are ruining my focus.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): focus on what?? losing to max???

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Just an Inchident (Charles): Shut up, Lando.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): You’re all so unserious. Anyway, did anyone notice who was P1 in practice?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): carlos 🥹

Smooth Operator (Carlos): YES.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): we’re all very proud of you carlos. now enjoy it while it lasts.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Ferrari always looks good on Fridays.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): then what happens?

Just an Inchident (Charles): we suffer.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): STOP SAYING THAT LIKE IT’S POETRY.

Dadbod (Lewis): OK ENOUGH.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): wait wait wait i have something IMPORTANT to say.

Dadbod (Lewis): IF IT'S ABOUT ADMIN PRIVILEGES, THE ANSWER IS NO.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO BUT ALSO YES BUT ALSO WHYYYYYY

Honey Badger (Daniel): tbh i think lewis is scared of what would happen if lando was admin again

Insufferable British Bloke (George): as he should be.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): betrayal.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): bro you LITERALLY caused all of this.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OKAY BUT I FIXED IT TOO.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You did NOT fix it.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU MADE IT WORSE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OKAY BUT LIKE.

Dadbod (Lewis): NO.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): but

Dadbod (Lewis): NO.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): but what if

Dadbod (Lewis): NO.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): u guys are so mean

Honey Badger (Daniel): hey at least we didn’t go pole to p4.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OH MY GOD.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oh look, Max is angry. He will take revenge. On himself.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): STOP IM CRYING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU KNOW WHAT. I AM GOING TO WIN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No, I am going to win.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, I AM.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, I AM.

Honey Badger (Daniel): …we just did a full circle.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Anyway, let’s focus on important things. Me.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): actually, let’s focus on me because as GPDA director—

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO ONE CARES GEORGE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): 😭😭😭😭

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I AM TRYING TO IMPROVE DRIVER SAFETY.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): ok but have u considered letting me be admin again

Dadbod (Lewis): NO.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): this is the worst day of my life

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM GOING TO WIN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, I AM GOING TO WIN.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, I AM.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, I AM.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): okay okay okay enough of you two fighting. because ACTUALLY. if we’re talking about who’s gonna win, I THINK IT SHOULD BE THE GUY WHO WON THE LAST RACE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oh, shut up, Lando.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, shut up, Lando.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, YOU SHUT UP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ?????

Just an Inchident (Charles): Excuse me?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando LITERALLY won the last race. And none of you can take that away from him.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): oscar 🥹

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): He DROVE PERFECTLY. He OVERTOOK YOU BOTH. He WON. He got the little trophy and everything. HE EVEN DID THE SHOEY.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): oh my god.

Just an Inchident (Charles): not the shoey.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YES. THE SHOEY.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): And not only that, he has been CONSISTENT. He is driving SO WELL. He is a WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDER. HE IS HIM.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): no. no, he is not.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I refuse to acknowledge this.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): BUT IT'S TRUE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): oscar u are so valid

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): lando u literally crashed into me in practice.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OKAY BUT LIKE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You are still coping about that??

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YES BECAUSE IT WAS STUPID.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU’RE STUPID.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’re both stupid.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, LANDO IS SMART AND TALENTED AND FAST AND THE MOMENT.

Honey Badger (Daniel): bro oscar is actually about to start throwing hands.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): It’s always the quiet ones.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Oscar, if you ever decide to join the GPDA, I will make you my vice director.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAAARRRR 🥹🥹🥹

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): justice for lando.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): no. justice for ME.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No. Justice for ME.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): JUSTICE FOR ME COZ I WON LAST WEEK HAHAHAHAHA

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM GOING TO WIN ON SUNDAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, I AM.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, I AM.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, I AM.

Honey Badger (Daniel): we’re back to square one.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Lewis, since you're the admin now, can you add Alex?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Dadbod (Lewis): What. Why not.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BECAUSE ALEX IS ANNOYING. AND HE BLOCKED ME.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): We know.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’ve told us like fifty times.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): And somehow it gets funnier every time.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I still don’t understand how you managed to get blocked by Alex. He is literally the nicest person alive.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OKAY BUT HE BLOCKED ME. THAT MEANS HE’S NOT NICE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Exactly. Justice for Lando.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): you don’t even know what you’re siding with.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando said Alex is annoying. So I agree.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oscar, Alex is literally a sweetheart.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Yeah, why are you against Alex?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Because Lando is my baby.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Oh my god.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): oscar 🥹

Dadbod (Lewis): Wait, why did Alex block you again?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Because Lando sent him too many memes.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): EXCUSE ME, WHY ARE YOU SNITCHING.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Lando, everyone already knows.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, you’ve told this story so many times.

Honey Badger (Daniel): And we all blame you.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): TRAITORS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Well, if we’re talking about snitching, let’s talk about how Alex even knows about this group chat.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): How about let's not.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Oh, yeah. That’s your fault.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You told him.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You snitched.

Honey Badger (Daniel): And we all blame you.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Okay, but he was sad when he found out.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT???

Insufferable British Bloke (George): …mine.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Exactly.

Dadbod (Lewis): Alright, so what I’m hearing is that Alex was sad about not being in the chat. And I have the power to add him.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DO NOT USE YOUR ADMIN PRIVILEGES FOR EVIL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Add him.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Don’t add him.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Shut up, Max.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You shut up.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Add him.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Can we have ONE peaceful conversation before practice?

Dadbod (Lewis): So I’m hearing mixed opinions.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO. IT’S UNANIMOUSLY A NO.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yeah. No.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Okay, but Oscar, why do you hate Alex?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I don’t. I just support Lando’s right to be petty.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): oscar 🥹

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): lando stop being emotional over oscar.

Honey Badger (Daniel): lando stop being emotional in general.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Lewis. Add Alex.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Lewis. Don’t add Alex.

Dadbod (Lewis): Oh my god. I hate all of you.

Chapter 10 Chapter Text

Dadbod (Lewis) added Alexander the Great (Alex) to the chat.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DELETE IT. UNDO IT. REVERSE IT. CONTROL Z.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WELCOME ALEX.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, shut up.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, YOU SHUT UP.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): REMOVE HIM. REMOVE HIM. REMOVE HIM.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Too late. He’s in.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Why are you acting like Alex is an evil spirit that just got summoned?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BECAUSE HE IS. HE BLOCKED ME. HE’S GOING TO COME IN HERE AND HUMILIATE ME.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Justice for Lando.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Can we have ONE sane moment? Just one?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Absolutely not.

Dadbod (Lewis): You all need help.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR BACK ME UP HERE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I already said justice for Lando. I don’t know what else you want from me.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): This is the most I’ve ever seen Oscar talk.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Yeah because this is serious.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You are so dramatic.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU ARE THE LAST PERSON WHO CAN SAY THAT.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, Charles. That’s literally your whole personality.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, I hope you DNF.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOU DNF FIRST.

Dadbod (Lewis): ENOUGH.

Honey Badger (Daniel): For real, can we just… calm down before Alex actually gets here?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO BECAUSE I NEED A PLAN.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): For what?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): FOR WHEN HE STARTS BULLYING ME.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Oh my god.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Why are you so convinced he’s going to bully you?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BECAUSE HE BLOCKED ME, MAX.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Lando, do you ever stop being dramatic?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DO YOU EVER STOP BREATHING?

Dadbod (Lewis): Oh my god, what is wrong with you all.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I hate every single one of you.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Except Lando, right?

Honey Badger (Daniel): No, especially Lando.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BETRAYAL.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Lando, please touch some grass.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I WILL TOUCH GRASS WHEN ALEX IS REMOVED FROM THIS CHAT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Not happening.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Not happening.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Not happening.

Dadbod (Lewis): Not happening.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Not happening.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Not happening.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): …not happening.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR?????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Sorry Lando, but Alex is kinda nice.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’VE BEEN BETRAYED.

Alexander the Great (Alex) is typing…

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH GOD. HE’S HERE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): EVERYONE ACT NATURAL.

Alexander the Great (Alex): HELLO FRIENDS!!! 🥳

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Welcome, Alex.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Sup.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Finally, someone normal.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Okay first of all, I’m devastated it took THIS LONG for me to be added. I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL FRIENDS. 😔

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I TOLD YOU, ALEX. I FOUGHT FOR YOU.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): GEORGE, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Justice for Alexander.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Awww, thank you Oscar.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR WHY ARE YOU NICE TO HIM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): He’s nice to me.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, Alex is chill. Unlike some people.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Are you talking about me? Because if so, I agree.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OF COURSE I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU. WHO ELSE ANNOYS ME THIS MUCH?

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oh, so you ADMIT I’m on your mind. Interesting.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WILL BLOCK YOU.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Oh wow, this is… way more intense than I expected.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): You’ll get used to it.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I haven’t.

Dadbod (Lewis): No one has.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): ANYWAY, back to more important topics.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oh no.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I wanted to discuss some GPDA matters since I finally have everyone in here.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Boring.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Boring.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Boring.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Boring.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Boring.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE I CARE, TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): See, this is why Alex is my best friend.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SUCK UP.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, did you see my FP2 times?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Charles, did YOU see my championship points?

Just an Inchident (Charles): I hate you.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Good.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Wow, the passion.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Can we talk about something fun, please?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): LIKE REMEMBER THAT TIME MAX WENT FROM POLE TO P4?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU ARE SO ANNOYING.

Just an Inchident (Charles): HAHAHAHAHA, YES LANDO, BRING IT UP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES I HOPE YOUR ENGINE BLOWS UP.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): HEY.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NOT CARLOS’S ENGINE. JUST CHARLES’S.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Wait but like, that race was actually hilarious.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THANK YOU, ALEX. I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): NO, because let’s be honest, Ferrari’s been looking suspiciously good this week.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Maybe because I’M DRIVING FAST.

Dadbod (Lewis): That’s the spirit.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I just wanna know who decided to record the “Red Bull gives you wiiings” audio because it haunts me.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): We should use that as Max’s ringtone.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WILL KILL YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, I would actually pay money to hear that every time you get a call.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I bet you’d pay money for a lot of things when it comes to me.

Just an Inchident (Charles): What does that even mean.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Do I need to step in here?

Honey Badger (Daniel): Alex, don’t. It’s not worth it.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I’m feeling so good this weekend. I’m winning this.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, I AM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yeah, Lando is.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No, I am.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No, I am.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Let’s all just agree it’s not Lando.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THIS IS BULLYING.

Dadbod (Lewis): I want all of you to SHUT UP.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO, but seriously, WHO recorded that “Red Bull gives you wiiings” audio? I need to know. I need to have a conversation with them.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We should make a reel of Max spinning with that audio.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I hate you.

Alexander the Great (Alex): OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE SO FUNNY.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): GUYS I CAN EDIT, I’LL DO IT.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Lando, if you do this, I will personally ensure your car has “technical issues” before the race.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THAT’S SABOTAGE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): It’s only sabotage if you get caught.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SEE, CARLOS GETS IT.

Dadbod (Lewis): You are all children.

Just an Inchident (Charles): If we are children, you are the father.

Dadbod (Lewis): Then LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Guys, imagine Max's Silverstone crash but in slow motion with the ‘Red Bull gives you wiiings’ audio.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): EXCUSE ME???

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I mean, technically, you did go flying.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE ALL SICK.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Lando, send me the footage, I’ll edit it.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’M ON IT.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY ENEMIES.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You make it easy.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES I SWEAR TO GOD.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Can we appreciate how I got P1 in practice today?

Honey Badger (Daniel): Yeah, yeah, Carlos. We get it. You’re fast.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I JUST WANT RECOGNITION.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): You did great, Carlos.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): See, Oscar gets it.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): That’s because Oscar is baby.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Oscar is literally the only normal one here.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oscar is too pure for this chat.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No, Oscar is secretly evil. He just hides it well.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): :)

Dadbod (Lewis): I’m logging off.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Wait, Lewis, we still need to discuss safety measures—

Dadbod (Lewis): NO.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I think a McLaren is going to win on Sunday.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Just an Inchident (Charles): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): GUYS WTF OSCAR IS JUST BABYGIRL.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): :)

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Oh, Oscar, you sweet, delusional child. That’s cute. But no.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR HAS MORE WINS THAN GEORGE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, be careful. The last time someone underestimated McLaren, Lando won.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes, and then he cried.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THAT UP.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): That was really emotional, though. I teared up.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Same, mate. Same.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I clapped.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, I hope you qualify on pole.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Oh? Wow, Charles, that’s so—

Just an Inchident (Charles): Just so I can watch you go from pole to P4 again.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM GOING TO BREAK YOUR LEGS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH MY GOD.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Max, violence isn’t the answer.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): IT IS WHEN CHARLES IS INVOLVED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Look, I am just stating facts. Pole to P4. A tragedy.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOU DNF.

Just an Inchident (Charles): That’s okay. Ferrari will do it for me.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Jeez, mate.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Unfortunately, true.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): We should respect each other as competitors.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Shut up, George.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Shut up, George.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Shut up, George.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I’m actually with George on this one.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): BLOCKED.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BLOCKED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): BLOCKED.

Dadbod (Lewis): Oh my God, I need a vacation.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Lewis, are you okay?

Dadbod (Lewis): No. I need Sebastian to come back and bring peace.

Honey Badger (Daniel): A Seb intervention might be necessary.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): We could add him to the chat?

Dadbod (Lewis): DO NOT DRAG SEB INTO THIS CHAOS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, how does it feel knowing you could’ve won that race if you hadn’t fumbled your start?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HOW DOES IT FEEL KNOWING YOUR STRATEGIST WANTS YOU TO LOSE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I don’t know if this is a fight or foreplay.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Both.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Both.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HATE YOU ALL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Good.

Chapter 11 Chapter Text

Just an Inchident (Charles): POLE POSITION BABY. 😌

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS, CHARLES.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I QUALIFIED THIRD. I AM SO BACK.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando is going to win.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): THAT’S CUTE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Lando is going to finish P3. As nature intended.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU KNOW WHAT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I will beat all of you.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Carlos, you qualified seventh.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Yeah. And?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): And nothing, I just wanted to remind you.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Can I just say that I am honored to be in this chat for such historic moments?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No.

Alexander the Great (Alex): That’s mean.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You know what’s mean? Charles on pole.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No, that’s justice. That’s karma. That’s the natural order of the world being restored.

Dadbod (Lewis): Charles, don’t let this get to your head.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Too late.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Guys, Charles is probably in a Ferrari meeting right now giving an evil villain monologue.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): He is.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I know that man is plotting something.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I am going to shunt him into the wall.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Try it. See what happens.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): This is giving divorce energy.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando, stay focused. We have a race to win.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oscar, why are you saying ‘we’?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Because I am involved.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): No, because I am involved.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, BECAUSE I AM INVOLVED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You are involved in P2, Max. Sit down.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM GOING TO BREAK YOUR FRONT WING.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Can we all just appreciate that I got the Red Bull to P5?

Dadbod (Lewis): Congrats, mate.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): You did great, Danny.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yeah, good job.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Good job, Daniel.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Wow. Look at us. So positive. So supportive. Except Charles.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, you’re my biggest hater.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes. And?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): As GPDA director, I encourage sportsmanship among—

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Shut up, George.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Shut up, George.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Shut up, George.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Shut up, George.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): WHY IS THIS A TRADITION.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’m winning tomorrow.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No, you’re not.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Watch me.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I’ll defend you so hard you’ll never get past me.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Oh, I’ll get past you, alright. I always do.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Pause.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Not if I squeeze you to the limit.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You think I can’t handle a tight squeeze?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): PAUSE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’ll have no room. No space to move. I’ll be right there, making sure you stay exactly where you belong.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): That’s cute. I like a challenge. You think you can keep me behind? Keep dreaming. I’ll slip right through.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BRO.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Lando, why do you keep interrupting?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): AM I THE ONLY ONE HEARING THIS?

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Yes?

Honey Badger (Daniel): They just sound competitive, mate.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Yeah, this is normal.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OKAY, SURE. NORMAL. DEFINITELY NOT SUSPICIOUS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Lando, you’re not even part of this fight.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, stay out of this.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I WOULD LOVE TO BUT YOU GUYS ARE MAKING IT REALLY HARD.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I bet you like it hard.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH MY GOD.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You walked into that one.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No, I drove into it.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): GOODBYE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Come back, Lando.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I CAN’T.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Anyway, I don’t care what you say, Max. I got pole. I’m starting in front. I will control the race.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah? Enjoy it while it lasts. Won’t be long before I’m all over you.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): What now?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELVES??

Just an Inchident (Charles): What’s wrong with what I said?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): MAX SAID HE’D BE ALL OVER YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): That’s just how racing works.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, Lando, why are you being weird? I’ll be all over him. He’ll feel the pressure. I won’t let him breathe.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): IM GONNA VOMIT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’ll hold your hair back, Lando.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THANK YOU OSCAR. YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Of course, mate. I always got your back.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Okay, I’ve had enough of Lando making this weird. Charles, don’t even worry about it. By Turn 1, you’re mine.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Excuse me?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’ll fight for you, Lando.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU ARE SO SWEET, OSCAR. I LOVE YOU.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I love you too, mate.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): See, why can’t you two be nice like Lando and Oscar?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Because Lando and Oscar are in a rom-com and Charles and I are in a gladiator fight to the death.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Exactly. Lando and Oscar are soft.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WE ARE NOT SOFT, WE ARE FRIENDS.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Soft and strong are not opposites, Lando.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Oscar, are you confessing something to Lando right now?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): IF HE IS, I’M SAYING YES.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): See? That’s why I sent you that edit.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): STOP BRINGING THAT UP.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Lando, focus. Max, you won’t win tomorrow.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’m faster than you.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah? Then why am I starting ahead of you?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Because you got lucky. But luck runs out, Charles.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oh my God, that was so dramatic.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Then we’ll see if you can actually pass me tomorrow. Or if you just choke under pressure like you did last time.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE SO LUCKY I CAN’T CRASH INTO YOU RIGHT NOW.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Hey, let’s not threaten to crash before we even get to the race.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Yeah, can we not wreck each other in the first ten seconds?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THANK YOU. SOMEONE WITH SENSE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Charles is the one being annoying.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I’M JUST STATING FACTS.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): This is why the GPDA meetings take so long.

Dadbod (Lewis): I regret everything.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Lewis, remove them from the chat. PLEASE.

Dadbod (Lewis): I wish I could remove myself.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You’d miss us.

Just an Inchident (Charles): He wouldn’t miss you, Max.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You’d miss me.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, I WOULDN’T.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THIS CHAT IS A NIGHTMARE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I think it’s beautiful.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): You’re too good for this world, Oscar.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Just for you, Lando.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): See? Landoscar is real.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SHUT UP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Charles, if you try anything tomorrow, I will send you into the shadow realm.

Just an Inchident (Charles): If you even think about overtaking me, I will personally make sure you never see the checkered flag.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Oh my god, this is the best thing I’ve ever witnessed. Please continue.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’m going to make you cry tomorrow.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I will shove you off the track.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I will drive you into the wall.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I will brake-check you into oblivion.

Alexander the Great (Alex): YESSSS. MORE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Can you two shut up??

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Lando, don’t pretend you don’t enjoy the drama a little bit.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I DON’T. I JUST WANT PEACE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Aww, pobrecito. You want me to protect you from them?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): From Charles and Max? Good luck with that.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I would fight for you, you know.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Why would you even need to fight for me???

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yeah, why would you?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): EXACTLY. OSCAR GETS IT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I’m just saying, if anyone ever treated you badly, I wouldn’t let it slide.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Uhhh thanks??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando doesn’t need anyone to fight for him. He has me.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): AWW OSCAR <3

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Carlos, what are you doing.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Nothing. Just appreciating my friend Lando. Is that a crime?

Just an Inchident (Charles): Feels like a crime.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Can’t believe I missed out on this group chat for so long.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Alex, STOP enabling them.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Lando, sweetie, this is the best entertainment I’ve had all week.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Charles, I swear I will force you into a gravel trap if I have to.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I will send you to Mars.

Alexander the Great (Alex): OH, THIS IS SO GOOD.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando, you should stay away from Carlos.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Why?? Carlos is my friend.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I just think you shouldn’t trust Ferrari drivers.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): LOLLL THATS FAIR

Smooth Operator (Carlos): That’s unfair. Lando trusts me. Right, Lando?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Uhhh I mean yeah?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): …Okay.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR, WHY DID THAT SOUND SO OMINOUS.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): No reason.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I don’t know what’s happening but I love it.

Dadbod (Lewis): I hate all of you.

Just an Inchident (Charles): EXCUSE ME, OSCAR. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT FERRARI DRIVERS??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I said Lando shouldn’t trust them.

Just an Inchident (Charles): THAT IS BLASPHEMY. HOW DARE YOU.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oscar, you kinda just declared war.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I stand by my words.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE FOR YOU, YOU SAY THIS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): What have you done for Oscar?

Just an Inchident (Charles): THAT’S NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I AM A TRUSTWORTHY MAN. I AM A SAINT. A GOOD PERSON.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): That’s hilarious.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I AM OFFENDED ON BEHALF OF MY TEAM.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Mate, it's obviously just a joke.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): No, it's not.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WOOOOW.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Oh, I love this drama.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oscar, you just burned all bridges with Ferrari.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO YOU WILL NOT. I WILL FIND YOU. I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS SLANDER.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Do it, Charles. Make him regret it.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando, your best friend's toxic ex is enabling your teammate’s downfall.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): EXCUSE ME??

Just an Inchident (Charles): EXCUSE ME?????

Smooth Operator (Carlos): This is the best day of my life.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I second that.

Dadbod (Lewis): I need a vacation.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I WILL DESTROY YOU, OSCAR. I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): See you on track, mate.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OSCAR, YOU THINK YOU’RE SO FUNNY, DON’T YOU??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I know I am.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM. I HOPE YOUR CAR BREAKS DOWN TOMORROW.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Charles, you can’t just say that.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YES, I CAN. HE INSULTED MY HONOR.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Mate, you don’t have honor.

Just an Inchident (Charles): EXCUSE ME?????

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): You and Max have spent the last hour bickering about who’s going to win tomorrow. Like, that’s cute and all, but you both know the answer.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yes. It is ME.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No. It is ME.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Wrong. It’s McLaren.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YES OSCAR YESSSS

Just an Inchident (Charles): No.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Absolutely not.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Oh, I forgot. You two like to play little games with each other first before one of you wins.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): What does that mean.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Nothing, just an observation. Max will have a bad start, you’ll take the lead, then you’ll both fight each other instead of actually racing, and then you’ll both cry on the radio when one of you loses.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OMG.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): OMG.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Omg.

Dadbod (Lewis): Omg.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I’m in tears.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I DO NOT CRY ON THE RADIO.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NEITHER DO I.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): You both absolutely do.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES CRIES MORE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX CRIES MORE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Look at them, your honor.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): They’re so predictable.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HATE YOU BOTH.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ME TOO.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Aww, you’re united in something.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I AM GOING TO BLOCK YOU.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SAME.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): LMAOOO OSCAR YOU’RE A MENACE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Oscar just dropped a nuclear bomb and is walking away like nothing happened.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I have never been prouder.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Oscar, I salute you.

Dadbod (Lewis): I regret adding Alex to this chat.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I will cherish that comment forever.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I AM GOING TO WIN TOMORROW JUST TO SPITE ALL OF YOU.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM GOING TO WIN TO SPITE CHARLES.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): McLaren 1-2, cry about it.

Dadbod (Lewis): Oscar, please stop throwing flame into the flame throwers.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): One of the McLarens is winning tomorrow. I don’t make the rules.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YES, YOU DO, AND THEY ARE ALL WRONG.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO DELUSIONAL.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I SUPPORT THIS DELUSION.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Me too, but only if I win.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE P7.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): AND YET I FEEL LIKE A WINNER.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Good for you, Carlos. Manifestation is key.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Charles, Max, how’s it feel knowing McLaren’s about to humble both of you?

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU’RE IN P4.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): AND LANDO IS IN P3.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yes, which means one of us is going to overtake both of you tomorrow and break your little rivalry.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’re saying a lot of words, but none of them are true.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): It’s actually embarrassing for you.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’d just like to remind everyone that regardless of who wins tomorrow, we all have an obligation to represent ourselves professionally both on and off the track. The GPDA has been discussing ways to ensure we uphold the integrity of the sport.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oh my god.

Honey Badger (Daniel): George, I am begging you, stop.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Yeah, George, read the room, we’re arguing.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I think it’s great that George is discussing ethics because clearly, Charles and Max have none.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WHAT.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HAVE MORE ETHICS THAN CHARLES.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): You both take each other out like it’s a ritual and then cry about it.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I am LOVING this.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We do NOT cry about it.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): We are RACING DRIVERS, IT’S DIFFERENT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Speaking of racing ethics, I’d also like to remind everyone that the FIA is looking into stricter enforcement of track limits, and as professional drivers, we should be mindful of respecting these boundaries.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’m gonna start blocking people.

Honey Badger (Daniel): George, I am holding you by the shoulders and shaking you.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): GEORGE, PLEASE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Back to the more important matter at hand: Charles and Max, you two have been at each other’s throats for like an hour.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND I WILL CONTINUE TO BE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE READY TO DESTROY HIM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): It’s giving childhood crush.

Just an Inchident (Charles): EXCUSE ME??

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WHAT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Oh my god.

Honey Badger (Daniel): OSCAR, THIS IS ART.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): NO WAY HE JUST SAID THAT.

Dadbod (Lewis): Oscar, you are playing a very dangerous game.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I am simply speaking facts. If no one else has the courage to say it, I will.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I AM GOING TO THROW YOU INTO THE SEA.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WILL HELP HIM.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NOOO LEAVE OSCAR ALONE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Protect the baby at all costs.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Oscar, if they actually throw you into the sea, just know I will personally make sure you are avenged.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Guys, as a reminder, engaging in any aggressive physical behavior could lead to penalties from the FIA—

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SOMEONE TAKE GEORGE’S PHONE AWAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HATE ALL OF YOU.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SAME.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Love you too. 🧡

Chapter 12 Chapter Text

Just an Inchident (Charles): FORZAAAA FERRARIIIIIIIII 🇮🇹❤️

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I will allow this.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO WAY YOU’RE BEING A GOOD SPORT ABOUT SECOND PLACE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): He’s too busy being insufferable to us.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Oh, ABSOLUTELY. HOW WAS P4 AND P5, GUYS?

Just an Inchident (Charles): Ah, yes. How was that view of the podium from back there?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I ACTUALLY HATE YOU BOTH.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Seconded.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Thirded.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I hate to say it, but that was one of the best battles I’ve ever seen.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): IT WAS, RIGHT?

Just an Inchident (Charles): IT WAS SO CLEAN. SO BEAUTIFUL. WE ARE ARTISTS.

Dadbod (Lewis): I actually want to crash into both of you for being this smug.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Weren’t you like 30 seconds behind us?

Dadbod (Lewis): I hate you so much.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Justice.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Not to take away from the race, but I think we should all take a moment to reflect on the fact that clean racing like today’s is what we should strive for—

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’M LEAVING.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): BLOCKED.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): GEORGE, STOP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I LOVE HOW EVERYONE IS SO MAD.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AS THEY SHOULD BE. WE HUMBLED THEM.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): ACTUALLY SHUT UP.

Honey Badger (Daniel): The worst part is that it was actually ridiculously impressive.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Max, you are scarily chill about P2.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still want to win. But humiliating the Mclaren twinks is equally as satisfying.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YES, YES. THAT’S THE SPIRIT.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I HOPE YOU BOTH DNF NEXT RACE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): AGREED.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Aww, is the kindergarten upset?

Just an Inchident (Charles): They are SO cute when they’re mad.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I SWEAR TO GOD.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I still can’t believe Charles won.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED? I AM FAST.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Because we are Ferrari.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Touché.

Dadbod (Lewis): I’m adding Sebastian. I can’t take these two anymore.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Yes, let’s get Sebastian’s opinion on clean racing ethics!

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): GEORGE, I AM GOING TO DRIVE YOU INTO A WALL.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OSCAR PIASTRI, REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YES. WE NEED TO HAVE A DISCUSSION.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): …what did I do?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oscar is baby. Leave him alone.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Not today. He is facing consequences.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I AM LITERALLY AN INNOCENT PERSON.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): INNOCENT, MY ASS. YOU SAID, AND I QUOTE, "ONE OF THE MCLARENS WILL WIN TOMORROW."

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND YOU SAID MAX AND I WERE GOING TO SHUNT EACH OTHER OUT OF THE RACE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I SAID "PROBABLY."

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, YOU SAID "DEFINITELY."

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND YOU ADDED "WITHIN FIVE LAPS."

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I WAS JOKING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU WERE WRONG. AND NOW YOU MUST PAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE OFFENDED.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): You're always offended.

Just an Inchident (Charles): …That is NOT the point.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oscar was just manifesting.

Just an Inchident (Charles): HE MANIFESTED LIES.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HE TRIED TO SPEAK IT INTO EXISTENCE LIKE A MENACE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Oscar, this is why we keep saying you’re secretly evil.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Yeah, lowkey.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): He is a menace in disguise.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’m being bullied.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): GOOD.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yes, suffer.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Lando, defend me.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I mean, you did kinda deserve it.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): BLOCKED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): LANDO KNOWS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): THE MCLAREN ALLIANCE IS CRACKING.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): No, it’s not. I just need a moment to be betrayed in peace.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): This is an interesting reflection on driver mentality. The way Oscar was so confident in his predictions—

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SHUT UP, GEORGE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I HOPE MERCEDES IS BAD NEXT RACE.

Dadbod (Lewis): Oh, so NOW you’re manifesting again?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SEE. A MENACE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WE TRIED TO TELL YOU.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I am literally just a baby.

Alexander the Great (Alex): The baby thing is losing credibility, mate.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I still believe in Oscar supremacy.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Of course you do, Carlos. Your delusions keep you warm at night.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Anyway, moral of the story: NEVER DOUBT ME. I AM FAST. I AM GLORIOUS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): You won by 0.016 seconds.

Just an Inchident (Charles): STILL A WIN.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HE IS STILL A LITTLE RAT BUT ALSO A VICTORIOUS LITTLE RAT.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): God, I hate this group chat.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Same.

Dadbod (Lewis): Same.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Same.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Same.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Same.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Same.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No, actually, I LOVE IT HERE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): SAME.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ANYWAY BACK TO - BREAKING NEWS: OSCAR PIASTRI IS A FRAUD.

Just an Inchident (Charles): EXPOSED. THE BABY DISGUISE HAS BEEN SHATTERED.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WHY DO WE COME BACK TO THIS AGAIN??

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU PREDICTED LIES. YOU SAID A MCLAREN WOULD WIN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND NOT ONLY DID THEY LOSE… THEY LOST SO. FLIPPING. HARD.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): LEAVE OSCAR ALONE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Why am I being personally attacked?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Because this is FUN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND BECAUSE WE WON.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WE WOOOOON.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MCLARENS WEEP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): PAPAYAS DESTROYED.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): We got 4th and 5th, it’s not like we DNF’d.

Just an Inchident (Charles): STILL LOST.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU SAID I’D SHUNT CHARLES. BUT NO. I FOUGHT HIM. I RACED HIM. AND I GOT SECOND.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND I WON.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Max, you literally wanted to shunt Charles.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): IRRELEVANT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): THE POINT IS, OSCAR IS A FRAUD.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, I’M NOT.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): LITTLE BABY OSCAR, MAKING FAKE PREDICTIONS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): SHOULD’VE CALLED YOURSELF OSCAR STRADAMUS WITH THOSE FAKE PROPHECIES.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I SWEAR TO GOD, LEAVE OSCAR ALONE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Thank you, Lando.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO. YOU’RE BOTH FRAUDS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): FRAUDULENT BEHAVIOR.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WE DID OUR BEST.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOUR BEST WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): EXACTLY. TRY HARDER.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I HOPE YOU BOTH DNF NEXT RACE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): TRY AGAIN, FRAUD. YOUR PREDICTIONS SUCK.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Guys, can we just take a moment to talk about the fact that I got P3?

Alexander the Great (Alex): NO ONE CARES, DANIEL.

Honey Badger (Daniel): BUT I GOT A PODIUM??

Smooth Operator (Carlos): This is not about you right now.

Honey Badger (Daniel): WHY NOT??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Because the drama is more interesting.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YES. OSCAR FRAUDULENT PIASTRI.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND LANDO THE DEFENDER OF PIASTRI.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): STOP ATTACKING HIM.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE BOTH GOING TO JAIL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): FOR CRIMES AGAINST PREDICTIONS.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I'm contacting the HR.

Chapter 13 Chapter Text

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): MAX, YOU LITERALLY GOT P2. SIT DOWN.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Puh-lease.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Lando, it was only 0.016 seconds. That’s basically a win.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): ????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): ?????????

Honey Badger (Daniel): ?????????????????????????

Smooth Operator (Carlos): ?????????????????????????????????????????????

Insufferable British Bloke (George): ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

Dadbod (Lewis): What timeline are we in right now.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): CHARLES DEFENDED MAX?????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): CHARLES. LECLERC. JUST DEFENDED. MAX. VERSTAPPEN.

Honey Badger (Daniel): THE SAME CHARLES WHO SAID YESTERDAY THAT HE WOULD SHUNT MAX OFF THE TRACK??

Smooth Operator (Carlos): THE SAME CHARLES WHO DOESN’T TALK ABOUT MAX EXCEPT TO MAKE FUN OF HIM???

Insufferable British Bloke (George): THE SAME CHARLES WHO HAS SPENT THE LAST 24 HOURS BULLYING MAX???

Alexander the Great (Alex): IS HE OKAY. DID HE HIT HIS HEAD.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): CHARLES, DID YOU GET POSSESSED MID-RACE? IS THIS A CRY FOR HELP??

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No, no, he’s right. 0.016 seconds is basically winning.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WHAT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WHAT.

Honey Badger (Daniel): WHAT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WHAT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): WHAT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHAT.

Dadbod (Lewis): WHAT.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): MAX, YOU ARE LITERALLY THE GUY WHO THINKS EVERYTHING EXCEPT P1 IS A LOSS.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): MAX, YOU’VE SAID “IF YOU’RE NOT FIRST, YOU’RE LAST” LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes, but it was SO CLOSE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Exactly. So, basically a win.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I CAN’T DO THIS TODAY.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): THE WORLD IS BROKEN. NOTHING MAKES SENSE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): GUYS, I GOT A PODIUM.

Alexander the Great (Alex): DANIEL, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Honey Badger (Daniel): WHY CAN IT NEVER BE ABOUT ME.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Because Max and Charles are DEFENDING EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW, AND THAT’S A WORLD CRISIS.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I feel like I should be happy for Ferrari, but I’m too busy processing THIS NIGHTMARE.

Dadbod (Lewis): Can someone call Seb. I need him to make sense of this.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’M SCREAMING. I’M ACTUALLY SCREAMING.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): CHARLES AND MAX ARE PRAISING EACH OTHER. IT’S LIKE THE APOCALYPSE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): We’re just stating facts.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yes. 0.016s is basically a win.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH MY GOD STOP SAYING THAT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I need a drink.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I need THERAPY.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I JUST NEED SOME APPRECIATION.

Dadbod (Lewis): I need to retire.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I need this group chat to be normal for ONCE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): That’s never going to happen, George.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I need to delete my brain.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Why are you all overreacting.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, you guys are weird.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, YOU TWO ARE THE WEIRD ONES.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WHO REPLACED MAX AND CHARLES WITH POD PEOPLE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHO MESSED WITH THE TIMELINE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WHO CURSED US.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO. NO. I REFUSE. I REJECT THIS REALITY.

Honey Badger (Daniel): CHARLES DID NOT DEFEND MAX VERSTAPPEN. THIS IS A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Calm down, Danny. It was just a fact.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes, you are overreacting.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I AM NOT OVERREACTING. YOU TWO HAVE NEVER AGREED ON ANYTHING EXCEPT MAYBE THAT THE SKY IS BLUE AND EVEN THEN I’M NOT SURE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): CHARLES WAS READY TO SHUNT YOU INTO THE SHADOW REALM YESTERDAY, MAX.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): AND NOW YOU’RE PRAISING EACH OTHER??

Smooth Operator (Carlos): ARE YOU GUYS OKAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Look, we were so close in the race.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes, it was basically a masterclass.

Just an Inchident (Charles): A wheel-to-wheel battle of greatness.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Perfection, really.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): What.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WHAT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Oh my goodness.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I FEEL LIKE I’M WATCHING A CULT FORM IN REAL TIME.

Just an Inchident (Charles): So basically, both P1 and P2 were P1 at that point.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes. Correct.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’M GOING TO VOMIT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): DID YOU TWO JUST REDEFINE THE CONCEPT OF WINNING.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I’M IN DENIAL. NO WAY THIS JUST HAPPENED.

Dadbod (Lewis): I actually need to retire again.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I need to reboot my brain.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): This is against GPDA ethics, I just know it.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Be so fucking for real, have you two been hate-fucking or something.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR, WHAT THE HELL.

Honey Badger (Daniel): OSCAR.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): OSCAR???

Insufferable British Bloke (George): OSCAR, NO.

Alexander the Great (Alex): OSCAR, I’M LITERALLY CHOKING.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’M JUST SAYING. LOOK AT THEM. LOOK AT THE BEHAVIOR.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You are all very dramatic.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH, SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU.

Honey Badger (Daniel): WHERE IS THE CHARLES WHO CALLED MAX MR. POLE TO P4. WHERE IS THE MAX WHO SAID CHARLES COULDN’T TRUST HIS OWN TEAM.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WHERE IS THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): WHERE ARE THE GPDA ETHICS.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHERE AM I.

Dadbod (Lewis): WHERE IS SEB.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WHERE IS JESUS.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WHERE IS THE DIVORCE LAWYER.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’re all so weird.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR, FIX IT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I can’t fix it, I think they’re actually insane.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS, BUT I WANT THE CHAOS BACK. I WANT MAX AND CHARLES TO HATE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

Alexander the Great (Alex): YEAH, THIS IS MORE DISTURBING THAN THEM BICKERING.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I feel like I’m in a horror movie.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I feel like I’m in a cult.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I feel like I need a new job.

Dadbod (Lewis): I feel like I need a new LIFE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Guys, relax.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, it’s not that deep.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, IT IS THAT DEEP.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): THIS IS A SOCIETAL COLLAPSE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I AM NOT OKAY.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I NEED AN EXORCISM.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I NEED A VACATION.

Dadbod (Lewis): I NEED THERAPY.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I NEED OUT.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SOMEONE, PLEASE, RESET THEM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THEY KEEP THIS UP, I’M LEAVING THE CHAT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): No, because I’m actually serious. Did you two fuck?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OSCAR.

Honey Badger (Daniel): OSCAR, STOP.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): OSCAR, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): OSCAR, HAVE SOME DECORUM.

Alexander the Great (Alex): OSCAR, I’M EATING.

Dadbod (Lewis): OSCAR, I’M PRAYING.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’M JUST SAYING. LOOK AT THE SIGNS. LOOK AT THE BEHAVIOR.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT THE SIGNS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’re all so disgusting.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Seriously.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, BECAUSE EXPLAIN IT. YESTERDAY YOU WANTED TO SHUNT HIM. NOW YOU’RE CALLING HIM A WHEEL-TO-WHEEL MASTERCLASS. THAT’S FOREPLAY.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I AM GOING TO SCREAM.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): SOMEONE SHUT OSCAR UP.

Honey Badger (Daniel): OSCAR, I AM THIS CLOSE TO BLOCKING YOU.

Alexander the Great (Alex): YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE.

Dadbod (Lewis): You’re ruining my retirement.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): YOU’RE RUINING GPDA ETHICS.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’M RUINING NOTHING. I’M JUST SAYING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THINKING.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO ONE ELSE IS THINKING THIS, YOU ABSOLUTE MENACE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You’re all being so dramatic.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Exactly.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH, I’M SORRY, DID YOU TWO JUST UNITE IN DEFENDING EACH OTHER AGAIN.

Alexander the Great (Alex): BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HELPING YOUR CASE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO, BECAUSE SINCE WHEN DO YOU TWO AGREE ON ANYTHING.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I AM DISTURBED.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): SEE? EVEN THE SMOOTH OPERATOR KNOWS THIS IS SUS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We are literally just acknowledging facts.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yes. Just logic.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): LOGIC? SINCE WHEN DO YOU TWO EVEN USE LOGIC??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I AM LOSING MY MIND.

Dadbod (Lewis): CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Only if Charles and Max admit they have unresolved tension.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We don’t.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): No tension.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THE LIES.

Honey Badger (Daniel): THE GASLIGHTING.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): THE DECEPTION.

Alexander the Great (Alex): THE AUDACITY.

Dadbod (Lewis): THE VIOLENCE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): THE ETHICAL VIOLATION.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Fine. Don’t admit it. But just know I see everything.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Good for you.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Enjoy your delusions.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I HATE IT HERE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): SO MUCH.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): MAX, I DON’T WANT TO ALARM YOU, BUT I THINK YOU’RE CHARLES’ LITTLE MEOW MEOW NOW.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WHAT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WHAT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OH MY GOD, YOU’RE RIGHT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

Dadbod (Lewis): WHERE IS SEB WHEN I NEED HIM.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’M WRITING AN ETHICS REPORT ABOUT THIS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I NEED TO LIE DOWN.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I NEED TO SEE A PRIEST.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I NEED POPCORN.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU ARE ALL UNHINGED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AGREED.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, YOU TWO ARE UNHINGED.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): JUST ADMIT IT, YOU HAD HATE-SEX AND MOVED ON.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OSCAR, STOP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU NEED A HOBBY.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I NEED A NEW GROUP CHAT.

Dadbod (Lewis): I NEED TO RETIRE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I NEED TO LEAVE THE SPORT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I NEED TO GO BACK TO BED.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I NEED TO ERASE THIS FROM MY MEMORY.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I NEED TO KEEP INVESTIGATING.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I NEED A DRINK.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I NEED TO THROW UP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I NEED TO BLOCK OSCAR.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Same.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Cowards.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, BECAUSE EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXPLAIN IT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): EXPLAIN IT RIGHT NOW.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): EXPLAIN IT OR I’M CONTACTING THE GPDA.

Dadbod (Lewis): EXPLAIN IT OR I’M CONTACTING SEB.

Alexander the Great (Alex): EXPLAIN IT OR I’M CONTACTING A PRIEST.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): EXPLAIN IT OR I’M CONTACTING THE FBI.

Just an Inchident (Charles): There is nothing to explain.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Literally nothing.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NOTHING??? YOU TWO HAVE NEVER AGREED ON ANYTHING IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES, AND NOW YOU’RE UNITED IN SOME WEIRD SELF-DELUSIONAL WORLD WHERE YOU’RE BOTH BASICALLY WINNERS??

Honey Badger (Daniel): AND YOU’RE DEFENDING EACH OTHER.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): AND CALLING YOUR RACE A MASTERCLASS.

Alexander the Great (Alex): AND STARING AT EACH OTHER LIKE YOU’RE IN A ROM-COM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): AND PROBABLY BREATHING IN SYNC LIKE PSYCHOPATHS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’re all being ridiculous.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Completely unhinged.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, YOU TWO ARE UNHINGED.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): No, because I genuinely believe this violates sporting ethics.

Dadbod (Lewis): It violates the laws of physics.

Alexander the Great (Alex): It violates my peace.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): It violates my trust.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We are literally just acknowledging the obvious.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, we were 0.016s apart, so in a way, it’s basically a joint win.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH MY GOD, HE SAID IT AGAIN.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): MAKE IT STOP.

Honey Badger (Daniel): DID SOMEONE BRAINWASH THEM???

Alexander the Great (Alex): HAVE YOU BEEN BODY-SNATCHED???

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, BECAUSE THAT’S THE KIND OF S* PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY’VE BONED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We have not.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Absolutely not.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YEAH, BUT EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXPLAIN THE SHIFT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): EXPLAIN THE NEWFOUND UNDERSTANDING.

Alexander the Great (Alex): EXPLAIN THE FACT THAT MAX DOESN’T CARE HE LOST.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): EXPLAIN THE FACT THAT CHARLES DEFENDED MAX BEFORE EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

Dadbod (Lewis): EXPLAIN IT BEFORE I QUIT THE SPORT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): EXPLAIN IT BEFORE I REPORT YOU BOTH TO THE FIA.

Just an Inchident (Charles): We. Have. Not. Had. Hate. Sex.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Never.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): YEAH, BUT EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Alexander the Great (Alex): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Dadbod (Lewis): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You’re all insane.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yes. Completely.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’M KEEPING MY EYES ON YOU TWO.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, BECAUSE THIS IS ACTUALLY SICK AND TWISTED.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): LIKE THIS IS ACTUALLY HORRIFYING.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I FEEL LIKE I’M WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT TWO SERIAL KILLERS FALLING IN LOVE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE FIA ABOUT THIS.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I NEED TO SPEAK TO A THERAPIST ABOUT THIS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU ALL NEED TO CALM DOWN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX AND I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): YEAH, BUT EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Alexander the Great (Alex): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Dadbod (Lewis): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’M GOING TO BLOCK ALL OF YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): SAME.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): SEE, THEY’RE IN SYNC.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): MAX, YOU HAVE NEVER IN YOUR LIFE ACCEPTED P2 AS A WIN. NEVER. EVER. THIS IS A HISTORIC MOMENT AND IT IS DEEPLY CONCERNING.

Honey Badger (Daniel): CHARLES, YOU HAVE NEVER DEFENDED MAX VERSTAPPEN IN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE. EVEN WHEN HE WAS OBJECTIVELY RIGHT. YOU STILL BLAMED HIM. NOW YOU’RE OUT HERE CALLING 0.016s A BASICALLY A WIN???

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Like. I don’t know how to process this.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I’m actually nauseous.

Dadbod (Lewis): This is unnatural.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): This is an FIA ethics violation.

Just an Inchident (Charles): STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YEAH, IT WAS JUST A REALLY GOOD RACE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OH MY GOD, THEY’RE DOWNPLAYING IT.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THEY’RE GASLIGHTING US.

Honey Badger (Daniel): THEY’RE LITERALLY TRYING TO CONVINCE US THIS IS NORMAL.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): THEY’RE COLLECTIVELY LYING TO OUR FACES.

Alexander the Great (Alex): THEY’VE BEEN INFECTED BY SOME WEIRD FORM OF STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

Dadbod (Lewis): I need to lie down.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): This is deeply unsettling.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’M GONNA THROW UP.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU’RE ALL SO OVER THE TOP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): It was a battle of greatness, and it was fun. Why can’t you just accept that?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU TWO HAVE NEVER USED THE WORD “FUN” ABOUT EACH OTHER BEFORE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): LIKE YOU TWO HAVE NEVER ONCE ACKNOWLEDGED EACH OTHER WITHOUT AN IMMEDIATE INSULT OR A PETTY COMMENT.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Max literally called Charles an entitled prick two weeks ago.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): And Charles called Max a reckless idiot.

Alexander the Great (Alex): And now you two are calling each other masters of racing and mutually respecting each other’s results?????

Dadbod (Lewis): Did you two go to therapy together or something?

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OK BUT EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Alexander the Great (Alex): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Dadbod (Lewis): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): BLOCKED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): BLOCKED.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): SUSPICIOUS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DEEPLY.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ANYWAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. LIKE HOW THE MCLARENS WERE SO CONFIDENT AND THEN GOT ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Oh, shut up.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): This is such a deflection.

Alexander the Great (Alex): You’re literally floundering.

Honey Badger (Daniel): PATHETIC ATTEMPT.

Dadbod (Lewis): I expected better from you, Max.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Yeah, at least put in some effort.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Maybe they don’t want to talk about it because they know they got humbled.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SEE?! EXACTLY! THAT'S THE REAL DISCUSSION HERE! THE MCLARENS WERE COCKY AND NOW LOOK AT THEM.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): No, because what the hell was that “exactly”???

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, BECAUSE WHY ARE YOU AGREEING SO FAST? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NOTHING. I AM LITERALLY JUST MAKING FUN OF YOU LIKE ALWAYS.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO, BECAUSE YOU’RE DEFLECTING.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): DEFLECTING SO HARD.

Alexander the Great (Alex): The desperation is seeping through my screen.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): LMAOOO DESPERATION??? YOU ARE ALL JUST SO MAD YOU LOST.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, they’re just bitter.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): STOP AGREEING WITH HIM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): YEAH, LIKE STOP TAKING HIS SIDE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): OH MY GOD, CHARLES, WHEN DID YOU START TAKING MAX'S SIDE?????

Dadbod (Lewis): THIS TIMELINE IS CURSED.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I NEED TO REWRITE THE SPORTING REGULATIONS TO BAN WHATEVER THIS IS.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Ferrari needs to investigate this.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I feel like I’m watching a political scandal unfold in real-time.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE ALL DELUSIONAL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): SO SO DELUSIONAL.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): IF WE’RE DELUSIONAL, THEN WHAT ARE YOU TWO???

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): UNHINGED. COMPLETELY UNHINGED.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’M LITERALLY JUST LAUGHING AT YOUR LOSS. THIS IS NORMAL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, they’re just upset.

Honey Badger (Daniel): YOU TWO KEEP SAYING "THEY" LIKE YOU’RE A TEAM.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WHAT IS GOING ON.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I’M PHYSICALLY SICK.

Dadbod (Lewis): I’M CALLING SEB.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’M CALLING THE UN.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’M CALLING EXORCISTS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’M CALLING A CRISIS MEETING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE ALL SO RIDICULOUS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WE'RE THE ONLY NORMAL ONES HERE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): OH MY GOD, THEY’RE DOING IT AGAIN.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): THEY’RE A UNIT. I HATE THIS.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I’M BLOCKING YOU BOTH.

Dadbod (Lewis): I’M DISASSOCIATING.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’M REPORTING THIS TO THE GPDA.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): MAX AND CHARLES HAVE BECOME A COALITION, AND IT’S RUINING OUR LIVES.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DELETE THIS TIMELINE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OKAY CAN WE GO BACK TO MAKING FUN OF THE MCLARENS NOW????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, YOU CANNOT.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS TO DISCUSS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, YOU DON’T.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, we don’t. Let’s talk about how McLaren was supposed to win but didn’t.

Honey Badger (Daniel): YOU DID IT AGAIN.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): STOP TAKING MAX'S SIDE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): IT’S SO JARRING. I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M WITNESSING.

Dadbod (Lewis): I NEED TO LIE DOWN.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’M WRITING A FORMAL COMPLAINT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): DID YOU TWO HAVE A TEAM RADIO WE DIDN’T HEAR?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YEAH, LIKE A SECRET TEAM RADIO?? "MAX, I AM COMING TO JOIN YOU."

Just an Inchident (Charles): Why would I say that?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I DON’T KNOW, WHY WOULD YOU BOTH SAY HALF THE THINGS YOU’VE SAID TODAY?

Smooth Operator (Carlos): They’re hiding something.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WE ARE NOT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, we’re literally just making fun of McLaren.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO, BECAUSE HE SAID IT AGAIN.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’M SHAKING AND CRYING.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): DO WHAT??? WHAT IS THERE TO DO???

Just an Inchident (Charles): You guys are acting insane.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I’M ACTING INSANE??? LOOK AT YOUR BEHAVIOR.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): CAN WE BRING BACK THE CHARLES WHO SAID HE’D SHUNT MAX INTO A WALL.

Dadbod (Lewis): ACTUALLY, YES. WHERE IS THAT CHARLES?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I DON’T KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You guys are just mad.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YEAH, THEY ARE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): YOU ARE LITERALLY PROVING OUR POINT EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OH MY GOD, MAX, YOU'RE SO DESPERATE TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT IT’S EMBARRASSING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM NOT DESPERATE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU ARE SO DESPERATE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): YOUR DEFECTIONS ARE GETTING WORSE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I CAN HEAR THE SWEAT DRIPPING OFF YOUR FOREHEAD.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Even the FIA wouldn’t let you off with this many rule breaches.

Dadbod (Lewis): I NEED SEB TO SEE THIS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SEBASTIAN WILL AGREE WITH ME.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, he would.

Honey Badger (Daniel): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, BECAUSE NOW YOU’RE DRAGGING SEB INTO THIS??????

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THIS IS A CRISIS.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): MAX, HOW ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO DEFLECT???

Alexander the Great (Alex): YOU’RE NOT SLICK.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM NOT DEFLECTING. YOU ARE ALL MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, they’re being weird.

Honey Badger (Daniel): YOU ARE THE WEIRD ONES.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I NEED TO CALL THE STEWARDS.

Dadbod (Lewis): I NEED A THERAPIST.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, BECAUSE WHAT DO WE DO???

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): RESTART THE UNIVERSE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): PRAY.

Alexander the Great (Alex): BLOCK THEM BOTH AND MOVE ON.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’M BEING HARASSED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Same.

Honey Badger (Daniel): YOU CAN’T PLAY VICTIM WHEN YOU’RE RUINING OUR LIVES.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WE ARE NEVER LETTING THIS GO.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NEVER.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I WILL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE HAUNTING YOU BOTH OVER THIS.

Alexander the Great (Alex): ICONIC.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Hey guys, just logged in. How was everyone’s race?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): HUH?????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO FLIPPING WAY. EXPLAIN YOU CLOWN.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I'M SORRY, WHAT?????

Alexander the Great (Alex): YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT WASN’T YOU????

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): MAX, I NEED YOU TO CLARIFY SOMETHING BEFORE I FILE A POLICE REPORT.

Dadbod (Lewis): EXPLAIN. RIGHT NOW.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): …Explain what?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): YOU WERE ACTING LIKE A DERANGED LITTLE FREAK FOR THE LAST HOUR.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Uh no?? I wasn’t even here. Antonelli was using my phone to download some sim racing updates. What happened?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH MY GOD.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE RELIEVED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): THAT WASN’T THE REAL MAX. PRAISE THE LORD.

Honey Badger (Daniel): HOLY SHIT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): NO, BECAUSE YOU WERE BEHAVING IN A WAY I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER WITNESS.

Dadbod (Lewis): I LITERALLY THOUGHT YOU HAD BRAIN DAMAGE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THANK GOD, BRO, BECAUSE WE WERE ABOUT TO SEND YOU TO A PSYCHIATRIC HOLD.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): THAT STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN CHARLES.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oh, that’s because I’m not Charles. I’m Ollie.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I BEG YOUR PARDON?????

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OLLIE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WAIT. CHARLES HASN’T BEEN CHARLES THIS WHOLE TIME?????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WHO LET THIS MENACE IN HERE????

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): LMAOOOOOOOOO YOU GUYS ARE SO EASY TO FOOL.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I WILL END YOU.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, BECAUSE YOU HAD US THINKING MAX AND CHARLES WERE ABOUT TO START FRENCHING IN THE PADDOCK.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): YOU ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I NEED TO KNOW HOW YOU DID THIS.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): YES, SO I CAN FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER.

Dadbod (Lewis): NO, BECAUSE I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): YOU MADE IT SEEM LIKE THEY HAD SOME SORT OF SECRET AFFAIR.

Just an Inchident (Charles): And y’all ATE IT UP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Wait, wait, wait. Back up. I was gone for an hour and y’all thought what???

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DO NOT SCROLL BACK.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): YEAH, DON’T DO IT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): FOR YOUR OWN SANITY.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ….I was just about to.

Honey Badger (Daniel): DON’T.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Trust me, Maxy, you don’t wanna know.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Why are you calling me Maxy.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’re so cute when you’re confused.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): GET AWAY FROM ME, CHARLES SPAWN.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE.

Dadbod (Lewis): OH MY GOD.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHO RAISED YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Anyway, fun fact: I also got Kimi to play the part of Max.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WHAT.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): HUH????

Smooth Operator (Carlos): EXCUSE ME?????

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ‘GOT KIMI’ TO DO IT.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO WAY. NO FREAKING WAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, lol. Thought I’d mix it up a little.

Dadbod (Lewis): I AM HAVING A STROKE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): YOU CORRUPTED KIMI ANTONELLI?????

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO. NO, HE DIDN’T. KIMI IS A SWEETHEART. KIMI WOULD NEVER.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Kimi would if I bribed him with data sheets and an upgraded sim setup.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU TURNED HIM INTO A MENACE?????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO BECAUSE THAT WAS SO CONVINCING.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): HOW DID HE EVEN PULL IT OFF????

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM LOSING MY MIND.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Max spawn was bribed by Charles spawn??? WHAT IN THE FANFIC UNIVERSE IS GOING ON.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): DO YOU REALIZE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS????

Dadbod (Lewis): I NEED TO LIE DOWN.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WE ALL THOUGHT KIMI WAS A WHOLESOME LITTLE RACING ROBOT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Nah, he’s got a lil’ gremlin in him.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I just encouraged his natural talents.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NATURAL TALENTS IN TROLLING US???

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): HE WAS ACTING LIKE A SOCIOPATH.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): HE HAD MAX SAYING THINGS MAX WOULD NEVER SAY.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): LIKE WHAT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oh, y’know, that you and Charles are co-P1 because your battle was so good, that Charles was the best wheel-to-wheel racer you’ve ever gone against…

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I NEED YOU TO REPEAT THAT LAST PART.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO YOU DON’T.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): PLEASE SPARE YOURSELF.

Dadbod (Lewis): TRUST ME, DON’T.

Alexander the Great (Alex): IT’S BETTER IF YOU DON’T KNOW.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, you’re right. I should probably keep the ‘Max admitted Charles was his equal’ part to myself.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM GOING TO BE ILL.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I LOVE CHAOS.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I AM UNWELL.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I still don't know what happened to the full extend.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): And I don't wanna know.

Just an Inchident (Charles): HEHEHEHEHE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING LIKE THAT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): THAT’S THE SOUND OF A MENACE.

Dadbod (Lewis): I AM PRAYING FOR THIS CHILD’S SOUL.

Alexander the Great (Alex): THIS CHILD NEEDS TO BE CAGED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): C’mon, admit it, that was the best hour of your lives.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM CALLING CHARLES.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Good luck. I'll pick up the call.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WHYYYYYYYYYY

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO BECAUSE HE WENT FROM ‘I WILL SHUNT MAX INTO A WALL’ TO ‘IT WAS BASICALLY A WIN FOR BOTH OF US.’

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WE WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM THIS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM NEVER LEAVING MY PHONE UNATTENDED AGAIN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): That’s what you think.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): WE NEED TO END THIS KID.

Dadbod (Lewis): THIS CHILD IS A CURSE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): MAX, CONTROL YOUR NEW MINION.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I AM NOT CLAIMING HIM.

Just an Inchident (Charles): That’s okay, I don’t need your approval. I’ve already won.

Dadbod (Lewis): OLLIE, RETURN CHARLES’ PHONE RIGHT NOW.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Ugh, fine. Y’all are boring.

(Just an Inchident has left the chat.)

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): …Okay.

Just an Inchident (Charles): ??? What did ollie do.. i know he did something WHAT DID HE DO.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, what did he do?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN.

Honey Badger (Daniel): ACTUALLY, DON’T. STAY STANDING. I NEED TO SEE IF YOU WOBBLE AFTER EVERYTHING THAT’S BEEN SAID.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOUR EVIL LITTLE CLONE JUST DID.

Just an Inchident (Charles): ???

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ???

Insufferable British Bloke (George): THIS WAS A WARZONE.

Dadbod (Lewis): WE ALMOST NEEDED AN EXORCISM.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I AM NEVER TRUSTING ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Okay but what happened.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I don't wanna know.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO, BUT YOU TWO SURE ACTED LIKE YOU WERE ON YOUR HONEYMOON.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): AND THEN SAID YOU DIDN’T.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY DEFENDING EACH OTHER.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OKAY FIRST OF ALL, EW.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SECOND OF ALL, I HAVE STANDARDS.

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXACTLY, WHICH IS WHY IT WAS TERRIFYING.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’M FILING A GPDA COMPLAINT.

Dadbod (Lewis): I'M CALLING THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I NEED A DRINK.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND I NEED TO SCROLL

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): PLEASE DO NOT

Just an Inchident (Charles): Okay.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): BTW Charles forgot to tell you... you’re so slow you only won by 0.016 seconds.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You wouldn’t even be second if Lando wasn’t slow.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): HEY.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): NO.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): NOT AGAIN.

Honey Badger (Daniel): GUYS, STOP.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’M NOT SURVIVING ANOTHER ROUND OF THIS.

Dadbod (Lewis): I’M OUT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GOODBYE.

Chapter 14 Chapter Text

Just an Inchident (Charles): GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE, EXCEPT THOSE WHO FINISHED P2.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Okay, first of all, shut up.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No ❤️

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I hope you know that winning by 0.016 seconds is just proof that you’re slow.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Winning is winning. Who was on the top step of the podium yesterday? Oh, that’s right.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to the podium ceremony. I was too busy rewatching the race and seeing how I basically pushed you to P1 because I let you live.

Just an Inchident (Charles): “Let me live” is a funny way of saying “I got outplayed.”

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WASN’T OUTPLAYED.

Just an Inchident (Charles): So you’re saying you gave me the win? Merci, Max! Such a good friend.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SHUT THE HELL UP, LECLERC.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Telling me to shut up won’t change the fact that my trophy is already on its way to my Monaco apartment.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Oh, you mean the trophy you barely deserved because you took like a whole decade to cross the finish line?

Just an Inchident (Charles): Oh, you mean the trophy YOU didn’t get because YOU finished second?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): You’re so slow, I’m surprised they didn’t flag you for impeding.

Just an Inchident (Charles): You’re so bad at overtaking, I’m surprised you didn’t file a complaint with race control.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): TRYING TO BE NICE? SINCE WHEN??

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): SINCE YOU DRIVE LIKE A RECKLESS MADMAN AND I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU ALMOST SHOVED ME INTO THE WALL THREE TIMES.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): THREE TIMES IS RESTRAINT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): THREE TIMES IS ATTEMPTED MURDER.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OH PLEASE. IF I WANTED TO WRECK YOU, YOU’D BE IN A DIFFERENT TIMEZONE RIGHT NOW.

Just an Inchident (Charles): IS THAT WHY I WON?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): IS THAT WHY YOU ALMOST CRASHED FIVE TIMES?

Just an Inchident (Charles): I WAS DEFENDING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU WERE FLAILING AROUND LIKE A HEADLESS CHICKEN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): SAYS THE MAN WHO LEFT THE TRACK THREE TIMES.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): THAT’S CALLED EXPLORING THE LIMITS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): THAT’S CALLED TRYING NOT TO LOSE TO ME AND FAILING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): IF I DIDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR SLOW ASS BLOCKING ME, I WOULD’VE WON.

Just an Inchident (Charles): IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY GOOD, YOU WOULD’VE PASSED ME.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M FILING A COMPLAINT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): GO AHEAD. “Dear FIA, I am a crybaby. Charles was faster than me. Please do something. Love, Max.”

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE SO INSANELY ANNOYING.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND YOU’RE SO INSANELY SECOND PLACE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP—

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH THANK GOD.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): WE’RE BACK TO NORMAL.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Balance has been restored.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): The world makes sense again.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Finally, I can stop questioning reality.

Dadbod (Lewis): I was about to call an exorcist.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Max and Charles hating each other again? Feels like home.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Yeah, but now they’re back to ruining everyone’s mornings.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Better this than… whatever the hell yesterday was.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m going to rewatch the race and admire my flawless victory.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): GOOD. STUDY IT AND SEE HOW SLOW YOU WERE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I’LL STUDY IT AND SEE MY NAME ON THE P1 POSITION.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOU CHOKE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOU CRY.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Nevermind. Send them both to jail.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU ARE SO SLOW, I COULD HAVE GONE TO THE BATHROOM, MADE A SANDWICH, AND COME BACK BEFORE YOU CROSSED THE FINISH LINE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OH REALLY? THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU WIN, GENIUS?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY WAITING FOR YOU TO GET OUT OF MY WAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WAITING? YOU MEAN FAILING TO OVERTAKE?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WAS BEING STRATEGIC.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU WERE BEING A CERTIFIED LOSER.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOUR SIM RIG CATCHES FIRE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR BRAKE PEDAL SNAPS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOUR STEERING WHEEL DISCONNECTS MID-CORNER.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR ENGINE EXPLODES ON LAP ONE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOUR DRINK SYSTEM FAILS AND YOU CHOKE ON AIR.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR VISOR GETS FOGGY AND YOU DRIVE STRAIGHT INTO A WALL.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOUR RADIO MALFUNCTIONS AND YOU GET STRATEGY FROM FERRARI.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOU GET STRATEGY FROM RED BULL WHEN DANNY IS AHEAD OF YOU.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): TAKE IT BACK OR I’M COMING TO MONACO TO FIST-FIGHT YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): PULL UP. I’LL DROP MY LOCATION.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I ALREADY HAVE YOUR LOCATION YOU DUMB BITCH

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU DID NOT JUST CALL ME DUMB.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’LL KICK YOU SO HARD YOUR FUTURE KIDS WILL FEEL IT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I’LL SLAP YOU SO HARD YOU’LL THINK YOU’RE IN A DIFFERENT ERA.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE SO INSIGNIFICANT I’LL HAVE TO SQUINT TO SEE YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU’RE SO INSECURE YOU’LL HAVE TO REMIND YOURSELF YOU’RE A CHAMPION EVERY MORNING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE SO DESPERATE FOR A TITLE YOU’D PROBABLY SELL YOUR SOUL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU’RE SO DESPERATE FOR A FRIEND THAT YOU’RE STILL TALKING TO ME.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WOULD RATHER BEFRIEND A TRAFFIC CONE THAN YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I WOULD RATHER CRASH INTO A WALL THAN LISTEN TO YOU.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): PLEASE. SOMEONE. STOP THEM.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): No. This is the best morning entertainment I’ve had in years.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I have never seen two men hate each other so beautifully.

Honey Badger (Daniel): This is actual poetry.

Alexander the Great (Alex): It’s like a Shakespearean tragedy, except they’re both the villains.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Or a reality TV show, except it never ends.

Dadbod (Lewis): If I had a dollar for every time Max and Charles tried to kill each other in the group chat, I’d have enough to buy my own F1 team.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Max, Charles, I beg you—

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Shut up, Lando. You got FOURTH.

Just an Inchident (Charles): Yeah, why are you even talking? Your teammate also lost.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I hate both of you.

Just an Inchident (Charles): No, you love us.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Yeah, you should be grateful we give you something to aspire to.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I aspire to run you both off the track next race.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Honestly? Do it.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): TRY IT. SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I’LL SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM, OSCAR.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Good. I hope they have better Ferrari and Redbull first drivers there.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OH YOU WANT TO TALK SHIT? WHERE IS YOUR FOURTH PLACE TROPHY?

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): …There isn’t one.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): EXACTLY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): EXACTLY.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I GOT P3, GUYS.

Alexander the Great (Alex): No one cares, Danny.

Honey Badger (Daniel): This is the worst group chat ever.

Dadbod (Lewis): It’s literally called “Fast And Delirious.” What did you expect?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I expect to win next race, and Charles to never speak again.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I expect to win again, and for Max to stay bitter.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I expect to suffer.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Me too.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Me three.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Me four.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Me five.

Dadbod (Lewis): This is why I don’t check this chat first thing in the morning.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOUR ENGINE EXPLODES NEXT RACE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR PIT CREW FORGETS TO PUT YOUR WHEELS ON.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOUR STEERING WHEEL TURNS INTO A PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER MID-RACE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR DRS GETS STUCK CLOSED WHILE MINE OPENS PERFECTLY.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOU GET STUCK BEHIND A HAAS AND CAN'T OVERTAKE FOR 20 LAPS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR TEAM DECIDES TO PIT YOU FOR HARD TYRES WHEN IT STARTS RAINING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOU GET A BLUE FLAG FOR ME EVEN IF I'M BEHIND YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR ENTIRE STRATEGY TEAM TAKES A DAY OFF ON SUNDAY.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): No. Let them cook.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): They are burning the entire kitchen.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): It’s like watching two stray cats fight over the same trash can.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Someone throw water on them or something.

Dadbod (Lewis): Okay, okay. I got this.

(📸 Lewis sends a gym pic)

Dadbod (Lewis): Here. Let’s all focus on gains instead of war. Peace and muscles. 🙏🏾💪🏾

Just an Inchident (Charles): Cool. Anyway, MAX, I HOPE YOU GET A DRIVE-THROUGH PENALTY FOR NO REASON.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOU GET A MECHANICAL FAILURE RIGHT BEFORE THE CHEQUERED FLAG.

Dadbod (Lewis): …Did you two even see my message?

Alexander the Great (Alex): They’re too busy killing each other to care, mate.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I SAW IT, LEWIS. Very cool. Very strong. Can you make Max and Charles shut up now?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Why would you want to stop this? This is history.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR CAR GETS STUCK IN FIRST GEAR.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR BRAKE PEDAL SNAPS OFF.

Just an Inchident (Charles): I HOPE YOUR RACE ENGINEER STARTS GIVING YOU RADIO MESSAGES IN DUTCH ONLY.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I HOPE YOU GET TEAM ORDERS FROM FERRARI BUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY MEAN.

Honey Badger (Daniel): How do you two have so much energy to hate each other this much?

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I think it fuels them.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): They run on pure spite.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): This is NOT how normal humans interact.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): This is like watching a divorced couple fight over who gets the espresso machine.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOU HAVE TO LIFT AND COAST FOR 30 LAPS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR MIRRORS FALL OFF MID-RACE SO YOU CAN'T SEE ME OVERTAKE YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU DIDN’T OVERTAKE ME LAST RACE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): BECAUSE YOU WERE IN MY WAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): BECAUSE I WAS WINNING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): BY 0.016 SECONDS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): WHICH MEANS I STILL WON.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU WERE LITERALLY CRAWLING TO THE LINE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU WERE CRAWLING HARDER.

Dadbod (Lewis): WHY ARE YOU BOTH LIKE THIS?

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): HE STARTED IT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): NO, YOU DID.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WE ARE GOING TO NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER FOR BOTH OF YOU.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Or a cage match.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I’d pay good money to see that.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Me too.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Same.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’ll sell tickets.

Dadbod (Lewis): You’re all insane.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR CLUTCH FAILS RIGHT AT THE START.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR FUEL PUMP DIES MID-RACE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I’M LEAVING.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I’m staying.

Just an Inchident (Charles): SEE YOU NEXT RACE, LOSER.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I’M GOING TO DESTROY YOU NEXT TIME.

Just an Inchident (Charles): TRY. I’LL STILL WIN.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): They are going to kill each other one day.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Probably.

Dadbod (Lewis): I need a vacation from this group chat.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Okay, I’m just gonna say it… YOU TWO ARE LITERALLY REUSING INSULTS AT THIS POINT.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): NO, WE AREN’T.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YES, WE ARE, BUT IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TRUE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR ENGINE FAILS IN FP3.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOU SPIN INTO A GRAVEL TRAP WHILE TRYING TO OVERTAKE ME.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’D STILL FIND A WAY TO LOSE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND YOU’D STILL FIND A WAY TO CRY ABOUT IT.

Honey Badger (Daniel): THIS IS A COPY-PASTE FROM THREE ARGUMENTS AGO.

Alexander the Great (Alex): It’s like watching two old men yell at clouds.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): No, it's worse. It’s like watching two EXES who still have feelings but are too stubborn to admit it.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): They had hate-sex, I'm telling you.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): ENOUGH. I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): ALEX, I LOVE YOU.

Alexander the Great (Alex): …HUH???

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): ?????????????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): ?????????????????????????

Smooth Operator (Carlos): ???????????????????????????????????????????????

Just an Inchident (Charles): Max, I hope your car turns into a lawnmower mid-race.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): Charles, I hope your seatbelt malfunctions and you have to drive holding it shut with one hand.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WAIT, GEORGE. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I SAID WHAT I SAID.

Alexander the Great (Alex): You’re serious??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): …Lowkey, yes.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WHAT IN THE FANFICTION IS GOING ON??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ARGUMENT.

Honey Badger (Daniel): NO, BECAUSE WTF, GEORGE??

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Wait. Did George just confess to Alex in the middle of a Max-Charles war?

Dadbod (Lewis): I—

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR ENGINEERS DECIDE TO USE WET TYRES IN A DRY RACE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR FUEL CAP OPENS MID-RACE AND YOU LOSE ALL YOUR FUEL.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE. GEORGE, I NEED YOU TO CLARIFY RIGHT NOW.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Can’t we focus on my confession for a second??

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): No, because Charles and Max are still fighting.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR GEARBOX LOCKS UP ON THE FINAL LAP.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR PIT STOP TAKES 20 SECONDS FOR NO REASON.

Alexander the Great (Alex): HELLO? GEORGE?? HELLO????

Honey Badger (Daniel): THEY’RE STILL GOING, GEORGE. YOUR SACRIFICE MEANT NOTHING.

Dadbod (Lewis): George, buddy. You really thought a love confession would stop them?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I WAS DESPERATE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I think it made things worse.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOU MISS THE TURN 1 APEX EVERY SINGLE LAP.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR STEERING WHEEL DISCONNECTS MID-RACE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I GIVE UP.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I NEED A FOLLOW-UP ON GEORGE’S CONFESSION BUT I CAN’T EVEN THINK RIGHT NOW.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): There’s no saving this. We are all doomed.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I just wanted peace.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I love this chat.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR FRONT WING FALLS OFF THE SECOND YOU HIT DRS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOU GET A DRIVE-THROUGH PENALTY FOR SPEEDING IN THE PITLANE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Alex.

Alexander the Great (Alex): No. Wait. Shut up.

Alexander the Great (Alex): MAX, CHARLES, PAUSE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): ????

Just an Inchident (Charles): ?????????

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE. EXPLAIN. RIGHT. NOW.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YES, GEORGE. WTF WAS THAT??

Honey Badger (Daniel): DID YOU REALLY THINK CONFESSING YOUR LOVE WOULD BRING PEACE??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): HE THOUGHT IT WAS A SACRIFICIAL CONFESSION 💀.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): And that’s what makes it so, so tragic.

Dadbod (Lewis): It was poetic, in a way.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’M TRYING TO BE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE HERE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR DRS FLAP SNAPS OFF THE MOMENT YOU OPEN IT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR ENGINE STARTS PLAYING THE MARIO KART THEME RIGHT BEFORE IT BLOWS UP.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE. FOCUS.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): YEAH. YOU CAN’T JUST DROP A LOVE CONFESSION MID-CHAOS AND NOT EXPLAIN.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yeah, George. What is this? Some Shakespearean tragedy?

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I, for one, am completely invested.

Honey Badger (Daniel): We all are.

Dadbod (Lewis): Lowkey, same.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Okay, fine, I just thought—

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR ENGINEERS MIX UP YOUR TYRES AND GIVE YOU ONE OF EACH COMPOUND.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOU PIT FOR SOFTS AND END UP WITH A SET OF INTERMEDIATES IN DRY WEATHER.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE. SAY IT. JUST SAY IT.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): OKAY.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I LOVE ALEX. OKAY?? THERE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): We got that part.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I need context, George. Context.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR BRAKES STOP WORKING ON LAP 58 AND YOU HAVE TO FRED FLINTSTONE YOUR WAY ACROSS THE FINISH LINE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR STEERING WHEEL STOPS RESPONDING AND YOU HAVE TO DRIVE USING ONLY YOUR KNEES.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND.

Honey Badger (Daniel): George, was this a confession in a ‘I’ve been holding this in for years’ way or a ‘I needed to do something to stop the chaos’ way?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Both.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): EXCUSE ME?????

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): DANIEL’S QUESTION WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RHETORICAL. WTF.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Guys, I think we’re in a fanfiction.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR TEAM ACCIDENTALLY REFUELS YOUR CAR WITH DIESEL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR STEERING WHEEL GETS STOLEN BEFORE THE RACE AND YOU HAVE TO DRIVE WITH A PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER.

Dadbod (Lewis): Guys, I literally posted a full gym photo dump and not a single one of you acknowledged it.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Lewis, with all due respect, George just confessed to Alex in the middle of WW3.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Yeah, you kinda picked the worst possible moment to flex.

Alexander the Great (Alex): SO, GEORGE, LOWKEY. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I think you’re pretty, Alex.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WHAT. THE. HELL.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OH MY GOD.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I DID NOT SEE THIS PLOT TWIST COMING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE A BIRD FLIES INTO YOUR HELMET MID-RACE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE A FAN THROWS A TOMATO AT YOU ON THE PODIUM.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE. YOU’RE SERIOUS??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I MEAN. YEAH.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I HAVE TO LEAVE.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OH, BUT YOU’RE FINE WHEN I ACCUSE MAX AND CHARLES OF HATE-SEX??

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Okay, but that was expected. This was a JUMP SCARE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR WATER BOTTLE EXPLODES MID-RACE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR TEAM FORGETS TO GIVE YOU WATER AND YOU HAVE TO DRINK SWEAT THROUGH YOUR BALACLAVA.

Dadbod (Lewis): I’m done.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I CAN’T PROCESS THIS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR TROPHY GETS LOST IN THE AIRPORT AND SOME RANDOM TOURIST ENDS UP TAKING IT HOME.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR RUNNER-UP TROPHY GETS MAILED TO YOU IN PIECES LIKE A DISAPPOINTING AMAZON PACKAGE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE. FOCUS.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I AM FOCUSED.

Alexander the Great (Alex): YOU JUST DROPPED AN ‘I LOWKEY LOVE YOU’ LIKE A CASUAL WEATHER UPDATE. EXPLAIN.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Yes, please, I need to understand this forbidden romance amidst the flames of war.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I AM ALSO INVESTED.

Honey Badger (Daniel): WHY IS THIS LOVE STORY UNFOLDING IN A LITERAL BATTLEFIELD. CAN WE HAVE SOME ROMANCE IN PEACE FOR ONCE??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): BUT THE BATTLEFIELD MAKES IT BETTER.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR TEAM CALLS YOU INTO THE WRONG PIT BOX AND YOU END UP PARKING AT MCLAREN.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR MECHANICS ACCIDENTALLY ATTACH YOUR STEERING WHEEL UPSIDE DOWN AND YOU HAVE TO ADAPT.

Dadbod (Lewis): Guys, let’s just take a moment to appreciate what an incredible race weekend it was—

Alexander the Great (Alex): NO. GEORGE FIRST. LEWIS, YOU CAN TYPE YOUR POSITIVITY LATER.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): WHY IS THIS A TRIAL.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BECAUSE IT IS.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Because love confessions should be delivered with passion and intent. Not as a footnote to an online war.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I dunno, I think George choosing to confess in the middle of this chaos makes it kinda hot.

Honey Badger (Daniel): EXCUSE ME.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): CAN YOU ALL JUST CHILL.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I’LL CHILL WHEN YOU ELABORATE.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOU MISS THE PODIUM BECAUSE YOU TRIP ON YOUR OWN RACE BOOTS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOU GET SPRAYED IN THE FACE WITH CHAMPAGNE AND CAN’T OPEN YOUR EYES FOR THE REST OF THE PODIUM CEREMONY.

Dadbod (Lewis): This is actually insane.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF GEORGE MEANT IT IN A FRIENDLY WAY OR A ‘WRITE OUR NAMES IN THE SKY’ WAY.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Right. Is it a ‘love’ or a LOVE love?

Honey Badger (Daniel): And is Alex supposed to respond? What’s the protocol here?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): And most importantly, can you two fight to the death about it for my entertainment?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): WHY AM I BEING PSYCHOANALYZED.

Alexander the Great (Alex): BECAUSE YOU SAID SOMETHING AND NOW I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WAS A THROWAWAY COMMENT OR A LIFE-CHANGING REVELATION.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR ENGINEER GIVES YOU INSTRUCTIONS IN ITALIAN BUT YOU ONLY REMEMBER FRENCH AND HAVE TO GUESS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR TEAM RADIO CUTS OUT AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERY STRATEGIC DECISION BASED ON VIBES.

Dadbod (Lewis): Okay, but seriously, guys.

Dadbod (Lewis): Let’s not forget that we all performed at an insane level this weekend.

Dadbod (Lewis): We should be celebrating our hard work and success.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Lewis, that’s beautiful.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): BUT GEORGE. ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Fine. I meant it. I like Alex.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): OH??

Honey Badger (Daniel): OH??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): OH.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Oh.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR TEAM PUTS YOU ON A 7-STOP STRATEGY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOU HAVE TO TAKE EVERY SINGLE TURN WITH ONE HAND BECAUSE THE OTHER ONE IS HOLDING YOUR HELMET IN PLACE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): SO.

Alexander the Great (Alex): …Now what?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I DON’T KNOW.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DID YOU THINK THIS THROUGH AT ALL.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): No.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, YOU’VE BEEN A MENACE SINCE WE WERE CHILDREN. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE FIVE AND YOU SHUNTED ME OFF THE TRACK??

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, THAT WAS BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T STOP BLOCKING ME. YOU DROVE LIKE A WALL WITH ANGER ISSUES.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): I WAS FIVE. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT RACING ETIQUETTE??

Just an Inchident (Charles): I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE USE THE BRAIN YOU CLAIM TO HAVE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Alex, I would just like to take this moment to say that I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as wonderful as you.

Alexander the Great (Alex): THIS IS NOT THE MOMENT, GEORGE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): No, no. Continue. I’m enjoying the contrast.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Me too. Charles and Max are reliving their childhood trauma while George is composing sonnets.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I’m just here wondering why this love confession is happening in a war zone.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): It’s poetic cinema, mate.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY FOR THAT INCIDENT.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OH REALLY?? THEN YOU OWE ME ONE FOR WHEN YOU PUSHED ME OFF THE TRACK IN 2019.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): THAT WAS RACING.

Just an Inchident (Charles): AND SHUNTING YOU WHEN WE WERE FIVE WAS ALSO RACING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): YOU’RE A HYPOCRITE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): YOU’RE A MENACE TO SOCIETY.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Alex, you light up my darkest days.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I DON’T KNOW. BUT IT FELT RIGHT TO SAY IT.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I think you should marry him, Alex.

Alexander the Great (Alex): CARLOS, STOP TRYING TO ARRANGE MY LIFE LIKE IT’S A PERIOD DRAMA.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): NO, KEEP GOING, CARLOS. I WANT TO SEE WHERE THIS GOES.

Honey Badger (Daniel): AT LEAST SOMEONE IN THIS CHAT WILL FIND LOVE WHILE MAX AND CHARLES ARE STILL FIGHTING OVER PRESCHOOL KARTING.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE EVERY GPS SYSTEM YOU EVER USE MALFUNCTIONS AND SENDS YOU IN CIRCLES.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE EVERY SHOE YOU WEAR FROM NOW ON HAS A PEBBLE INSIDE IT.

Alexander the Great (Alex): George. Are you being serious?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Yes. I mean it.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I AM SO INVESTED IN BOTH OF THESE PLOTS.

Honey Badger (Daniel): THIS IS THE WORST PLACE FOR A LOVE STORY.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Or the best.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Now kiss.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, I HOPE YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN DRIVE FOR RED BULL JUST TO SPITE YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MAX, I HOPE YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN DECLARE THEIR FAVORITE DRIVER AS ME.

Dadbod (Lewis): I need a vacation.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): CHARLES, WHEN I HAVE KIDS, I’M MAKING SURE THEY DESTROY YOUR KIDS ON TRACK.

Just an Inchident (Charles): JOKES ON YOU, MAX. MY KIDS WILL INHERIT MY GOD-GIVEN TALENT AND MAKE YOUR KIDS LOOK LIKE PAY DRIVERS.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): MY KIDS WILL WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS. YOURS WILL BE STUCK IN MIDFIELD CRYING ABOUT TRACK LIMITS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): MY KIDS WILL BECOME LEGENDS WHILE YOURS HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THEIR DAD’S FOUR-HOUR RANTS ABOUT WHY SECOND PLACE IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Alex, I need you to know I’ve liked you since we were in F2.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE. WHAT??

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): OH MY GOD.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): The romance is escalating.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Why is this happening HERE of all places.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I SUPPORT IT. CHAOS. YES.

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE, YOU CAN’T JUST DROP THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF MAX AND CHARLES ARGUING ABOUT THEIR UNBORN CHILDREN.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): MY KIDS WILL KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY DEFEND A POSITION. YOUR KIDS WILL GROW UP OVERLY POLITE LIKE YOU AND JUST LET PEOPLE PAST.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OH PLEASE. MY KIDS WILL BE CLASSY. YOURS WILL BE COMMITTING DAYLIGHT ROBBERY ON TRACK.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Alex, what are you gonna do???

Alexander the Great (Alex): I DON’T KNOW, LANDO. WHAT DOES ONE DO WHEN GEORGE RUSSELL CONFESSES FEELINGS IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLEFIELD??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): It’s not just feelings. I’ve had a crush on you since we were kids, Alex.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Wow. A long-time admirer. Alex, you must say something.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY??

Honey Badger (Daniel): “I accept your love” or “We are better off as brothers in arms” or something poetic. I don’t know.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Meanwhile, Max and Charles are still planning their kids’ careers.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): MY KIDS WILL BE WORLD CHAMPIONS BY 22. YOURS WILL STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW "SECOND PLACE IS GOOD ENOUGH."

Just an Inchident (Charles): MY KIDS WILL HAVE STYLE, MAX. THEY’LL WIN WITH ELEGANCE. YOURS WILL PROBABLY DRIVE LIKE THEY’RE ESCAPING A CRIME SCENE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): George. I— I don’t know what to say.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): That’s okay. Just take your time.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M WITNESSING THIS LIVE.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): I can. It was bound to happen.

Honey Badger (Daniel): But WHY IS IT HAPPENING NOW??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): BECAUSE THIS IS WAR.

Dadbod (Lewis): Good morning to everyone except Max and Charles, who are still arguing about their imaginary kids.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL NEVER LISTEN TO FERRARI STRATEGY, CHARLES. I’M RAISING THEM TO HAVE COMMON SENSE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): EXCUSE ME?? OUR KIDS WILL HAVE PURE RAW TALENT, MAX. THEY WON’T NEED STRATEGY FAILS TO HOLD THEM BACK.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL UNDERSTAND RACECRAFT FROM A YOUNG AGE. I’M NOT LETTING THEM BE SOFT LIKE YOU.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WILL HAVE CLASS. THEY WON’T BE DOING DIVEBOMBS LIKE A MENACE.

Dadbod (Lewis): OKAY. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. HELL.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Alex, what I mean is—do you want to go on a proper date? A romantic one. Not a ‘haha we’re just friends hanging out’ kind of thing. A real date. With me.

Alexander the Great (Alex): WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN A REAL DATE.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): HE MEANS A DATE, ALEX.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): LIKE A LOVE DATE, ALEX.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): YOU KNOW, THE ROMANTIC KIND.

Honey Badger (Daniel): THE ONE WHERE YOU LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE LONG-LOST SOULMATES AND NOT JUST AS TEAMMATES WHO SHARE LUNCHES AND MATCH CLOTHES FOR ‘NO REASON’.

Dadbod (Lewis): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING WHAT MAX AND CHARLES ARE SAYING??

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL DOMINATE EVERY JUNIOR SERIES, CHARLES. THEY WILL NOT BE WEAK.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WILL DOMINATE WITH GRACE. THEY WILL NOT BE BRUTES.

Dadbod (Lewis): HELLO??? IS NO ONE SEEING THIS?? MAX. CHARLES. WHY ARE YOU BOTH SAYING "OUR" KIDS??

Alexander the Great (Alex): GEORGE, WHY DO YOU SUDDENLY WANT A DATE??

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Because I realized I’ve spent years being in love with you and I don’t want to waste any more time pretending I don’t feel this way.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): DAMN. OKAY.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Dios mío.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): I love this battlefield.

Honey Badger (Daniel): This is the most unhinged confession in the history of motorsport.

Dadbod (Lewis): THIS IS NOT EVEN THE MOST UNHINGED THING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. MAX. CHARLES. PLEASE. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL HAVE PERFECT QUALIFYING RECORDS. NONE OF THIS INCONSISTENCY YOU LOVE SO MUCH.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WILL HAVE RESPECT FOR OTHER DRIVERS. NOT JUST SHOVE THEM OFF THE TRACK WHEN THINGS DON’T GO THEIR WAY.

Dadbod (Lewis): ARE YOU TWO SECRETLY TOGETHER?? ARE YOU TWO RAISING CHILDREN I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?? AM I GOING INSANE??

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WOULD BE SCARRED FROM YOUR CONSTANT EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WOULD BE MENTALLY EXHAUSTED FROM HEARING YOU COMPLAIN EVERY TIME THINGS DON’T GO YOUR WAY.

Dadbod (Lewis): YEAH. OKAY. I’M DONE.

Alexander the Great (Alex): George. Are you being serious? Like, actually serious?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Yes, Alex. I mean it. I want to be with you. Not just as a friend. Not just as a teammate. But as someone who loves you.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL HAVE THE BEST ENGINEERS IN THE WORLD. NONE OF THAT RED STRATEGY NONSENSE.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WILL BE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO MAKE THEIR OWN STRATEGY CALLS, MAX. THEY WON’T NEED HANDHOLDING.

Alexander the Great (Alex): …George.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Yes?

Alexander the Great (Alex): Let’s go on a date. A real one.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): WE GOT HIM, BOYS. HE SAID YES.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY, I AM IN TEARS.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Honey Badger (Daniel): I AM OFFICIATING THIS RELATIONSHIP. YOU MAY NOW KISS THE WILLIAMS DRIVER.

Dadbod (Lewis): I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH—WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL HAVE BETTER RACE STARTS THAN YOU, CHARLES. I’M NOT LETTING THEM SUFFER LIKE YOU DO EVERY SUNDAY.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WILL HAVE GOOD RACECRAFT. THEY WON’T NEED TO SEND PEOPLE TO THE SHADOW REALM JUST TO OVERTAKE.

Dadbod (Lewis): WHY ARE YOU TWO STILL TALKING ABOUT ‘OUR’ KIDS. ARE YOU DATING. IS THIS A SECRET RELATIONSHIP. HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS FROM US.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL NOT CRY AFTER EVERY SINGLE RACE, CHARLES. I’M RAISING THEM TO BE MENTALLY STRONG.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WILL HAVE ACTUAL EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, MAX. I’M RAISING THEM TO UNDERSTAND FEELINGS, NOT BOTTLE THEM UP LIKE A MANIAC.

Dadbod (Lewis): HELLO? ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELVES? MAX? CHARLES? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Okay, but George, seriously. Why now? Why did you confess like this? In the middle of World War III?

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Because I was desperate. They wouldn’t stop fighting. I thought a grand romantic gesture would be enough to distract them.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): SO THIS WAS A SACRIFICIAL CONFESSION???

Smooth Operator (Carlos): YOU REALLY JUST SAID ‘LET ME TANK THIS DAMAGE’ AND RISKED YOUR WHOLE HEART??

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): THIS IS INSANE. I LOVE IT.

Honey Badger (Daniel): AND IT WORKED. KIND OF. EXCEPT MAX AND CHARLES ARE STILL BICKERING.

Dadbod (Lewis): I NEED A VACATION.

Victim of Charles Abuse (Max): OUR KIDS WILL NEVER NEED LUCK TO WIN. THEY WILL DOMINATE WITH PURE SKILL.

Just an Inchident (Charles): OUR KIDS WILL WIN WITH DIGNITY, NOT JUST WITH A ROCKETSHIP CAR.

Dadbod (Lewis): OH MY GOD.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Wait. I just realized something. I was so busy watching George confess his undying love for Alex that I completely forgot Max and Charles were arguing in the first place.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): That’s because their arguments are repetitive and boring.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Yeah, it’s always the same. Max calls Charles slow. Charles calls Max a fraud. Max calls Charles a crybaby. Charles calls Max a Neanderthal.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Exactly. I could write their arguments for them at this point. Zero originality.

Dadbod (Lewis): OH MY GOD. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED??? THEY LITERALLY SAID ‘OUR KIDS.’ THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THEIR SHARED FUTURE CHILDREN. SHARED. FUTURE. CHILDREN.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): ???

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): ???

Smooth Operator (Carlos): ???

Honey Badger (Daniel): ???

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I think Lewis is having a breakdown.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Let him cook.

Dadbod (Lewis): COOK??? COOK??? YOU ALL ARE ACTING LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. MAX AND CHARLES WERE DISCUSSING HOW TO RAISE THEIR FUTURE KIDS TOGETHER. LIKE A TEAM. LIKE PARENTS. AND YOU’RE ALL IGNORING IT???

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I mean, to be fair, George’s love confession was way more interesting.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yeah, like, Max and Charles have been fighting for over an hour. The love story was new. Fresh. Exciting.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Love triumphs over war.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Beautifully said, mate.

Dadbod (Lewis): HELLO??? CAN WE GO BACK TO THE FACT THAT MAX AND CHARLES JUST NONCHALANTLY CONFESSED TO CO-PARENTING AND NOW THEY’RE GONE???

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Wait. They’re not typing anymore. Did they leave?

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Oh, thank God.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Relief. Peace. Silence.

Honey Badger (Daniel): Finally, we can focus on the real love story of the day. George and Alex.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I regret everything.

Alexander the Great (Alex): I’m still processing.

Dadbod (Lewis): I HATE ALL OF YOU.

Dadbod (Lewis): WHY IS NO ONE ELSE FREAKING OUT??? I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MIND. THEY LITERALLY SAID “OUR KIDS.” “OUR.” WHY ARE YOU ALL ACTING NORMAL???

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): I dunno, man, it’s probably just misplaced words.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): I’ll scroll back and check.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Let’s be real, Charles’ English is bad. He probably meant to say ‘my kids.’

Honey Badger (Daniel): Max’s English is also bad when he’s angry. Dude forgets how to form proper sentences.

Baby Bwoah (Oscar): Yeah, I’ve seen him spell ‘because’ like five different ways.

Alexander the Great (Alex): Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just poor wording.

Insufferable British Bloke (George): Okay, I checked. Yup. They were still arguing. Still threatening to shunt each other off the track. Still bringing up races from when they were toddlers.

Fish Hater Supreme (Lando): Exactly. So no way they just casually admitted to co-parenting in the middle of that.

Smooth Operator (Carlos): Yup. Charles just sucks at English.

Honey Badger (Daniel): And Max sucks at English when he’s angry.

Dadbod (Lewis): YOU’RE ALL IN DENIAL.

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Comments

Exotwicenctyaoiismylife on Chapter 1 Sat 29 Mar 2025 08:40AM UTC

I love this so much but pls I NEED ALEX IN THIS SO BADLY❤️❤️

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1. deletedaccountjustkiddingunless on Chapter 1 Sat 29 Mar 2025 10:52AM UTC
  
  Mate, thank you so so so much for reading this.. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I'M QUITE LITERALLY BLUSHING. UM, AND YEAH, ALEX WILL SHOW UP IN A FEW CHAPTERS. PROBABLY. MAYBE. IDK LET'S SEE.
  
  Last Edited Sun 30 Mar 2025 02:51AM UTC
  
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0_EclipzeBug_0 (Guest) on Chapter 1 Fri 04 Apr 2025 05:56PM UTC

oh my gosh this is comedy GOLD. I'm literally grinning so much 😭

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UHacker on Chapter 7 Sat 29 Mar 2025 05:46PM UTC

I Like the Idea ❤️

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dawnstarshine on Chapter 9 Mon 31 Mar 2025 08:00PM UTC

This is pure chaos. I love it. Altho the caps are a bit hard on the eyes

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1. deletedaccountjustkiddingunless on Chapter 9 Tue 01 Apr 2025 01:27PM UTC
  
  fixed it 👐
  
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just_an_inchiident on Chapter 10 Wed 02 Apr 2025 01:09PM UTC

This is so chaotic but also adorable :)
I had a suggestion you could use if you like. Someone flirts with Oscar on the chat and Lando gets jealous?

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1. deletedaccountjustkiddingunless on Chapter 10 Thu 03 Apr 2025 12:24PM UTC
  
  thank you for feeding my peanut brain with plot.
  
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2. 1. just_an_inchiident on Chapter 10 Thu 03 Apr 2025 05:26PM UTC
    
    Are you going to use it?
    
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kaz_du_ciel on Chapter 13 Thu 03 Apr 2025 03:52PM UTC

A triple update?! I bow down to you and the very funny piece you have made. Ollie and Kimi scheming was hilarious especially in light of their credit card fraud 💜

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LionFromTheGalaxy on Chapter 13 Thu 03 Apr 2025 04:17PM UTC

Hahahaha, love it❤️😂❤️

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kaz_du_ciel on Chapter 14 Thu 03 Apr 2025 05:05PM UTC

Hahahaha as soon as Max and Charles dropped off, I was like wow everything is back in lower case. Love George's panic confession and him getting more personality than GPDA director

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LionFromTheGalaxy on Chapter 14 Thu 03 Apr 2025 07:27PM UTC

OMG, I'm on the floor🤣🤣🤣
I love it so much ♥️
Galex???? Yeeeeeees!!! It's wonderful!!
Lestappen?? What is happening to you guys? Youre the biggest chaotic duo in the world♥️
I hoping that Lestappen is secretly dating like forever and their just acting like that around friends, or they don't act they really mean every word they send, but they love each other so they gonna kiss and I hoping that someone will see that moment and Charles notice them and says that just an incident, hahhaha. Yeah, that's a fucking new ff I'm dreaming of, hahhaha
P. S. I love this fic so much, thank you for the emotions you gave me ♥️✨♥️

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weczley on Chapter 14 Sun 04 May 2025 09:35PM UTC

the miami gp just ended and max actually went from pole to fourth😭😭😭 i just read this fic last night omgg

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