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“If you think about the same thing all the time, you will definitely give away your thoughts.”
These words reached Toto's ears just at the moment when his thoughts had been revolving around Ron for several days. More precisely, Toto was trying to understand what caused such feelings as "jealousy" and "missing". He was equally interested in the question of why physical contact with one person feels different than with all others. What about, for example, hints? How do you know when they really are, and when you're wishful thinking? In short, Toto was haunted by tiresome thoughts about the kind of relationship between him and his partner.
But after looking around, Toto couldn't find anyone who could say those mysterious words to him. Kiku was sitting in the same room, but he wasn't even looking in his direction and was reading the newspaper as usual. Amamiya was sitting at her desk, but she was busy with something and could hardly say something like that. Toto didn't exactly communicate with his colleagues. So, who said that?
Sighing, Toto looked around the office again. No, there's nobody suspicious, nothing suspicious. Was he already hallucinating? Well, he drank a lot of coffee.… Does coffee cause hallucinations, though? Toto was very doubtful. But hallucinations are caused by overwork. Is Toto overworked? He didn’t think so. Was he going crazy?! Toto shook his head in fright, interrupting the flow of nagging thoughts. He had to get back to work. Stop thinking about hallucinations, stop thinking about Ron!
However, no matter how much he resisted, Ron stubbornly remained the center of his thoughts. He did the job mechanically, while a lot of questions kept floating in his head. He was afraid to ask them to anyone, especially Ron.
-
Noodles were cooking on the stove. Toto stirred it, looking at the bubbling water. He quickly lost himself in his thoughts and forgot about time, despite the fact that the object of his thoughts was sitting very close by, tapping on the table and humming something.
At some point, the banging and singing stopped, but Toto didn't notice, continuing to stir the noodles. He woke up when he felt the touch of cold fingers on his cheek. He immediately turned his head to Ron.
"What...?"
"Aren't the noodles ready?" Ron asked with a slight smile. Toto glanced at the saucepan. He seemed to be stirring for too long. The noodles were already cooked.
“Yeah, thank you…” sighed Toto.
A little later, he was lost in thought again. He ate the noodles slowly, staring at the plate uncomprehendingly from time to time. Ron joked about the syrup, but Toto didn't hear. Again. And again.
“If you think about the same thing all the time, you will definitely give away your thoughts.”
Toto immediately came to his senses and looked at Ron with a frown.
"What did you say?"
"What did I say?"
A shiver ran down Toto's spine. Was he really going crazy?
"You're not going crazy, Toto," Ron's soft voice managed to calm him down, although it felt awkward that he had aroused suspicion and said something out loud. To his surprise, Ron didn't continue the conversation and returned to the noodles soaked in brown sugar syrup.
-
Toto hung around the apartment, waiting nervously, while Ron took his time getting out of the shower. The bathroom door was opened, and Toto could hear Ron talking aloud to himself, so he moved away. Eventually, he went to the bookshelf, picked up a random book with a familiar cover and opened it to an equally random page.
His mind went blank as he saw a familiar phrase. "If you think about the same thing all the time, you will definitely give away your thoughts." He slammed the book shut and put it back down, after which he preferred to sit on the lazy floor near the bathroom. Fortunately, his obsessive thoughts were briefly put aside, and he listened to Ron recite love poems in English and Japanese. This made Toto smile and he relaxed.
-
One day, Toto helped Ron sort through his books. Ron hadn't opened them in a long time, but they needed to be laid out more carefully for aesthetic pleasure. Therefore, to begin with, they laid out books by author and year of writing on the floor. Toto couldn't claim to know the year each book was written, but Ron smiled gently at him and said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it myself. Put it as you like, Toto. I'll look at the year when we put them on the shelves."
Toto's gaze caught on familiar Japanese authors of the 19th and 20th centuries. Toto, as a Japanese, knew about these authors and their books, so he felt some bitterness when he saw the melancholic works of authors who committed suicide. Apparently, it was these books that corresponded to Ron's mood during those dark five years.
Ron, noticing that he was interested in certain copies, sat down closer to look at the covers and read the names of the authors.
"Hmm? Oh, well written.”
Toto just nodded, still looking at the books. Did Ron ever think about suicide? Hardly, it wasn't in his nature.… No matter how depressed he was for five years, he had plenty of reasons to live.
Ron seemed to guess his thoughts and sighed.
“At that time, I liked to think that someone was worse off than me, that I wasn't the only one suffering, so I got carried away with this.”
Toto arranged the books by authors. "Then that's good. I'm glad you're back to a happy life now.”
“I'm glad I met you, Toto!”
Warmth spread through Toto's body. He really appreciated Ron and his caring attitude.
Out of the corner of his eye, Toto saw a book that he seemed to have opened the day before and came across a phrase that haunted him. He tried not to look in her direction; he didn't want to go back to his previous thoughts in front of Ron. On top of this, he could accidentally express his thoughts out loud, which he tried not to do lately.
It felt like Ron guessed and, moreover, knew even more than Toto could have blabbed, but Toto didn’t understand at all why he was silent in this case. What stops a brilliant detective from solving a mystery? After all, Toto wanted an answer! If Ron had brought up this topic first, Toto would have been happy to continue it. Maybe Ron can't figure it out himself?
-
Toto realized with horror that he was really giving away his thoughts.
"Totomaru, is something bothering you?" Kiku opened the newspaper. Toto, for whom he brewed some coffee, put the cup back in place so as not to choke. “I hope you and Ron are okay. Did you have a fight?”
“Oh, no, no," Toto shook his head vigorously. "It's okay. Don't worry, I'm... just... tired from work.”
"Then why don't you take an extra day off?"
"Well, I'm not that tired," Toto replied awkwardly, sipping his coffee. “I'm not used to taking breaks for no reason.”
Kiku shook his head with a knowing smile. He turned the page of the newspaper and looked out the window. Toto thought that the conversation was over, but Kiku turned back and added in an insinuating voice, "Ron would love that."
“...what?"
Toto stared at Kiku, who didn't look like he was joking at all.
“Doesn't Ron spend all his free time with you?" Kiku explained softly. Toto nodded. “Of course, he will be happy if you take the day off. Besides, you'll relax with him too. Am I wrong?”
Toto looked confused.
"Maybe…”
"Then what's the problem? Do you have any misunderstandings?”
"Not really…”
Kiku nodded and continued reading the newspaper. He expected that in a few moments the officer would speak again and reveal all the thoughts that tormented him. But he didn't do it. Toto was quietly drinking coffee and was silent, making Kiku look up at him in surprise.
"Totomaru, is something serious wrong?"
"This is between Ron and me," Toto frowned, "I'm sorry, Kiku-san.”
He finished his coffee and left, leaving Kika perplexed.
-
By chance, Toto came across Chikori and Mofu in the park. The girls were quietly discussing something, but as soon as Chicory saw her favorite police officer, she jumped up from the bench.
“Officer Isshiki! Isshiki-san! “She waved her hand happily until Toto came up to her. “I’m so glad to meet you! And Dr. Mofu and I were just discussing how many good things you've done!”
“Oh... you don't have to praise me for nothing," Toto shook his head. To be honest, he certainly liked being praised, and he especially appreciated Ron's praise, but he could only accept Ron's kind words without embarrassment. “Are you interviewing Dr. Mofu or is she finally resting?”
Mofu came closer, bowed slightly, and smiled after hearing the last question.
“I'm resting. We have already passed the "interview" stage.”
“I’m glad to hear that you are resting!” Toto laughed.
“If you think about the same thing all the time, you will definitely give away your thoughts.”
He stopped talking and looked at the neurosurgeon in confusion. Had he misheard? The phrase didn't fit the context at all, and Toto began to think more and more that he was going crazy.
"Excuse me? Can you repeat what you said?”
“Of course. Apparently, you should rest too," Mofu smiled sweetly. "I asked how Kamonohashi-san is doing.”
"Oh, Ron's fine, I visit him almost every day, don't worry.”
They talked for a while longer, after which Toto moved on. Ron said he wasn't going crazy… Well… How strange it all is…
-
Ron's apartment greeted him with silence. Ron was lying on the floor, but he wasn't sleeping. He barely moved, which alerted Toto. Even if he himself were dying, he would continue to think about Ron's well-being (this thought involuntarily reminded Toto of the tragic events on the cruise ship).
"Ron?"
"Kiku said you are tired. Take another day off. Let's relax together wherever you want. Without cases.”
“Eh?.. No, no, Kiku-san misunderstood me! I'm not tired.”
"Really?" Ron looked from the monochrome ceiling to Toto. "But you're acting really weird."
"What do you mean?" He tried to keep his voice calm, but it seemed to falter anyway, as Ron slowly sat up and looked into Toto's eyes, as if reading his mind.
"I know what you're thinking about.”
Toto mouthed the question, "What?"
“I also think about it sometimes.”
His conscience wouldn't let Toto lie any further, looking into Ron's bright blue eyes. Ron wasn't lying. He just confessed... wait! He…
"You're my closest person, Toto, and I'm really happy about that. I wasn't sure if it was worth discussing.… Perhaps even you noticed, but for a while I showed new signs of sympathy for you. They made you think too, didn't they? Then you got it right, you weren't imagining it.”
...confessed?
"But we're already close, aren't we?" Ron said softly. He reached out and gently stroked Toto's head. "I'm thinking of something else. What else was bothering you?”
"What else?" Toto exhaled, snuggling closer. It was as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his soul. Just a little conversation was enough to make all his obsessive thoughts disappear! Ron smiled gently, continuing to stroke Toto's head. “Was there something else that bothered me?..” Toto thought about it, really not understanding. But then he realized what the detective meant. "Oh... it's just that one phrase haunted me.”
"Which one?" Ron's hand froze, and Toto himself began stroking Ron's head, which made the detective look funny, almost like a cat.
"If you think about the same thing all the time, you will definitely give out your thoughts."
“Ah, so it's her after all. But I really said it to you that night.” Ron hugged Toto while the officer stroked his head. “That's why, when you expressed your thoughts out loud, I replied that you weren't crazy. Where else have you heard it?”
“The first time I heard it was in the office. I thought it was Kiku-san, but he didn't look like he said something like that at all. Then I heard it from Dr. Mofu, from you, and even saw it in a book.”
Ron thought for a moment. “Kiku could have said that, but he didn't give himself away. I'll ask him next time. You definitely imagined her when you were talking to Mofu. In the book… It's a coincidence. Have you read this book before?”
“I think so.” Toto liked how easily Ron put all the pieces of the puzzle into place.
“So you could have unknowingly chosen a familiar book that had a similar phrase in it. Don't worry about the little things, Toto.”
The officer suddenly felt a light kiss being placed on his cheek.
"I'm not going to let you go crazy, or I'm afraid I won't be okay myself too," Ron whispered, chuckling.