Chapter Text
Gerard's door was locked.
He was sure, after the last 4 times he checked, that none of his roommates could get in and stop him. Because he was determined to do this.
He at least had the courtesy to tell his roomates about his bold plans - ones involving the.. thing in his pocket and a whole lotta courage.
Just how does he phrase it? Sounding too relaxed about it might make it sound like a joke.. he didn't want his friends to dismiss him as he does it. Equally, if he's too nervous.. they might think him a coward for being scared to go through with it. So, he'd have to find somewhere in the middle. Something.. sorrowful, but determined. Something collected but apologetic.
He didn't want to leave Frank.
Why would he? His boyfriend's dropped everything for him. Been there during his breakdowns. Payed for his therapy sessions [all of which have gone to waste, it seems] and been patient and kind and gentle with him, always.
And this is how he returned the favour? Pathetic.
But not as pathetic as him. Which is why he couldn't back out, not now. Not now, while he still had nothing truly tethering him to this world.
Sure, he had his brother, but Ray and Frank could look after him, guide him through the loss of his almost father figure.
That made him think. He didn't want them to be angry at him. He knew how angry he was when their dad just.. left them. Gerard was, of course, the one to find him. Not a pretty sight for an anxious teenager, or his pre-teen brother.
But it wasn't the same. He didn't have two kids to single-handedly raise, nor did he have some shitty excuse scrawled on the back of an unpaid bill left on the kitchen table.
No, he had a reason. He had plenty of them, in fact, but there was no point trying to explain it all away. It wouldn't make it hurt less.
So, he should just get it over and done with before he can overthink his choices.