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Summary
Paul has always been sort of vaguely aware of the fact that he loves John, in the same way that he’s aware that John loves him, in the same way that he’s aware that it doesn’t matter. He knows that they can’t be together – they can’t be queer – so it’s not worth dwelling on, is it?
If he thinks about it too deliberately, it hurts. So he doesn’t think about it.
It would have been perfectly fine going on that way. He might have done it his entire life with ease, even. It would have been fine, it not for the fact that one day he just – forgets, for a moment. And he kisses him.