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Barok tried to focus on his duties, but after uninterrupted hours of dealing with paperwork, he started to feel his concentration waver. He rested his quill, standing from his chair, approaching his glasses cabinet.
“Are you taking a break?”
Kazuma’s voice made Barok turn around. “Just for a minute, to clear my head.”
“Mind if I join you?”
The question made him smile in response, as Kazuma stood up and approached him. Barok took two chalices from the cabinet, then proceeded to fill them with wine.
“Just a little,” said Kazuma. “I better not drink much while I’m at work.”
“Indeed. As amusing as you can be under the influence of alcohol, I still need my apprentice to do his job properly.”
“You know you could have just agreed, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
But he wouldn’t miss such a rare chance to repay Kazuma for all his teasing. Kazuma sighed, sounding more annoyed than he looked.
“Sometimes,” he said, “I can’t stand you.”
“I know.”
Which was a lie, just as much as Kazuma’s words. Maybe that had been true one day, but after sharing so many days, both inside and outside that office, while also making an effort to understand each other better, the initial tension faded from their relationship, giving place to genuine care and trust—and something closer to affection.
However, Barok’s feelings for Kazuma weren’t that simple to describe. He did value him as an apprentice and friend, but to say that was all he carried in his chest would be a lie.
Kazuma took a sip from his chalice. “This one is good.”
Barok nodded. “I thought you’d like it. You tend to prefer sweeter ones.”
“Did you take my tastes into consideration when you chose it?”
“Perhaps.”
Kazuma smiled at the response. “How nice of you, my lord.”
Barok had hoped for a reaction like that. He knew expressing his feelings through words wasn’t his strongest point, so he tried to do small things like that from time to time, hoping they would convey to Kazuma that, despite his difficult personality, Barok cared about him.
They moved closer to the window, looking outside as they slowly drank from their chalices. Barok had always liked the view from that window; however, after those life-altering events from over a decade before, the sight of the world outside brought a bitter feeling to his chest. The joyous families and couples, laughing friends, people going about their days like usual… At first, he couldn’t accept how the world kept going even after Klint’s death and Genshin’s supposed betrayal. He knew how absurd it was to expect every person to grieve with him, and yet, part of him wished they would—if only so he wouldn’t feel so lonely.
With time, the frustration gave place to indifference: he would often look through that window, but rarely pay attention to anything other than the sky and the distant buildings—if anything, it became a way to look away from his troubles, even if for a brief moment. He couldn’t feel a connection to anything or anyone he saw, so he simply stopped looking for it, spending his days alone inside that office until the loneliness became part of his life—and there was relief in the isolation, a certainty that no one could betray him if he never offered his trust to them.
Of course, he no longer had the choice to isolate himself. And, as difficult as sharing his space had been at first, the thought of returning to those lonely days made his heart ache. Now he had a family and close friends who cared about him, and accepted him regardless of all his shortcomings as a man. Kazuma had been the first one, back in his nameless apprentice days, to make an effort to know Barok and grow closer to him, and those memories were something Barok would treasure for the rest of his life.
“Is something on your mind?”
Kazuma’s voice brought Barok back from his thoughts. He shook his head. “I was just thinking.”
“About?”
He could give a simple answer and end the subject there. Instead, he chose to try and do the very thing he was so bad at. “I never thought someone’s company would brighten my days this much.”
His answer seemed to please Kazuma. “So, you enjoy my company…”
“When you are not being obnoxious, yes.”
Kazuma laughed at the habitual grumpy response. Then, his expression softened into a fond smile as he met Barok’s gaze. “You’re not the only one who feels like this.”
“Is that so?”
“I thought it was obvious.” Kazuma turned his gaze back outside as he spoke. “I have friends and family I value above all else, both in Japan and here in London. However, right now, you are the person I feel the closest to.”
Those words caught Barok by surprise: he knew they had grown close, but to hear Kazuma say something like that was…
“You don’t know how joyful I am to hear these words,” he said with a slight smile. “I have similar feelings for you, Kazuma. But I never thought they would be mutual.”
“Who would have guessed, right? All things considered…” He paused, adding in a lower voice. “But, in the end, I’m glad I chose to stay and become your apprentice.”
“So am I.”
Kazuma stayed silent for a while. Barok observed him, wondering if he was imagining things or if his apprentice did seem a bit restless. Before Barok could ask if something was wrong, however, Kazuma looked at him, speaking once again.
“This may sound strange, but… The way I feel about you is different from what I feel for those closest to me.” He glanced away, hesitating for just a moment. “In a way, it’s different from everything I felt before I met you.”
Barok couldn’t respond. His heart thumped as if about to leave his chest. The silence might have worried Kazuma, though, who risked a glance at him.
“Does it bother you to hear this?” he asked.
“Why would it bother me?”
“Do you want me to list all the reasons?” A short, nervous laugh left Kazuma’s lips. “It’s just that… It took so long for us to get where we are now, that I don’t know if it’s right for me to hope for a change.”
Barok nodded. This time, he was the hesitant one, having to gather his courage to take a step toward Kazuma and place a hand on his back.
“I understand,” he said. “I too am often afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, and ruining the bond we forged together.”
That touch made Kazuma’s shoulders relax a little. He smiled at Barok, as if thankful for it. “You don’t need to be so afraid of it. This thing that exists between us… Whatever name it might have, I doubt it is something fragile.”
That was everything Barok didn’t even know he wanted to hear until that moment. As much as he loved and trusted Kazuma, sometimes it was hard not to worry about the many ways he could bring that relationship—which they had built with so much effort—to an end.
He was about to respond when the sound of the door being violently opened startled them away from each other.
“Oi, Kaz!” Gina yelled from the door.
Barok let out a long, frustrated sigh. “Lestrade, what have I told you about politely knocking before you enter?”
“Sorry, boss.” Gina waved his complaint away, approaching Kazuma with wide steps, grabbing him by the arm, pulling him toward the door. “Anyway, no time to talk… I need to borrow Kaz. Now.”
Kazuma clicked his tongue. “Fine.” He looked at Barok, a hint of embarrassment on his face. “Well, we’ll talk more later, then.”
“Of course.”
Gina glanced from one of them to the other, an amused grin taking her lips. “Were you…?”
“Stop it.”
Gina let out a mischievous chortle, and Kazuma pulled her hat to her face as he now pushed her out of the office from the back. They closed the door, and suddenly Barok was alone again in that office, accompanied only by a strong warmth that crept up his neck and face. He brought a hand to his mouth: one second later, and he would have finally said those words that had been living inside his chest for such a long time.
He filled his chalice once again, drinking its contents at once in an attempt to calm himself down. He couldn’t blame Gina for what had happened, after all: the two of them had been the ones acting in an uncharacteristically unprofessional way during work hours—still, he wished they had more time together before that interruption.
But it was too late to regret something that already happened. So, instead, Barok returned to his desk, trying to focus on his work. It was hard… His mind kept going back to Kazuma and their shared conversation, and Barok had to make an effort to bring himself back to the present and his duties.
Hours passed, and soon the afternoon reached its end. Barok was starting to worry about how long it was taking them to return when an officer came in with a message from Kazuma: apparently, the suspect had attempted an escape and injured an officer in the process, so it would take a while longer for him to be done with that case. He asked for Barok to leave without him, saying he would fill a report as soon as he returned.
Part of Barok didn’t want to leave. He wanted to speak to Kazuma, finish that conversation they had started earlier that day. But he also didn’t want to stay in his way, especially after such an exhausting day.
So, he chose to leave. Instead of taking a carriage back home, however, he walked the streets of London by himself for a while, hoping the movement would help his mind slow down. He couldn’t take Kazuma’s words out of his mind, though. His apprentice wasn’t a man who hid his feelings, yet, it was rare for him to express them so openly. He was glad, of course, but the sweet feeling was accompanied by a hint of anxiousness, and the almost unbearable wish to see Kazuma.
He kept walking, and by the time he reached a public park, Barok’s mind had sunk deeper into a river of worries. Looking back, Kazuma hadn’t been specific about his feelings for him… What if he actually meant something different than what Barok had in mind? Perhaps, to Kazuma, their relationship was a deep and strong friendship, and Barok was the one who projected his desires into his words.
It couldn’t be the case, could it? The way Kazuma spoke those words, the way he looked at Barok, the hopeful anxiousness in his expression… He hadn’t imagined it all, had he? Everything in his words and gestures seemed to carry a deeper meaning, so why was he so unsure?
Or was he being a fool, hoping for something like that? Barok grunted to himself as he walked. It was hard to know where reality ended and his delusions began. But he was terrified of interpreting Kazuma’s feelings the wrong way and—
Kazuma’s previous words returned to his mind: whatever name the feelings they had for each other carried, it didn’t change how strong their bond had become. Being so fearful of shattering their connection was a disrespect to everything they had faced together, and how far they had come.
That thought helped ease his anxiousness a little. He took a few deep breaths, and his thoughts started to get clearer. After believing for so long that his feelings would never be returned, he finally had hope—why wasn’t he rejoicing instead of waiting for the worst, then? For the first time in many years, he finally had a chance to find love, so why didn’t he just stop and appreciate that feeling, instead?
Barok tried to follow his own advice, slowing his steps, taking a moment to truly think about everything that single conversation could change in his life. He was still young when he learned he had a preference for men; he saw beauty in their masculine shapes and traces, appreciating those characteristics in a way he couldn’t when it came to the more delicate features of women. For that reason, he had long come to terms with the fact that he would never find romantic satisfaction in his life, and would probably spend his days alone—or trapped in a loveless marriage with someone who loved the van Zieks name more than Barok himself.
As sad as those thoughts made him, however, they never felt like something unbearable. He felt attraction to men, yes, but it was something he could easily keep hidden, and would carry in secrecy to his grave. A faint longing that, compared to the grief from all the precious things he lost, seemed like something without importance.
But it all changed when he met Kazuma. Since those first, awkward days he and his masked apprentice spent together, he could feel a faint connection forming between them; and, against his better judgment, Barok let it grow stronger with each passing day. Even after the truth came to light, and their proximity was shaken by the events of the past, that connection didn’t disappear, like a stubborn ember that refused to fade away.
And then, that ember had turned into a flame—a feeling so strong it sometimes frightened Barok. Even when he had no hopes of his feelings being returned, he still loved Kazuma deep and passionately—longed for his company, the sound of his voice, and the brief touches they shared. More than once, he caught himself imagining how it would feel to kiss his lips, or tenderly caress his cheek. Sometimes, those thoughts trailed off in directions that weren’t as pure, and Barok tried to cut those daydreams short as soon as he noticed their presence. He had been ashamed of thinking of his apprentice in a way he would never reciprocate, but now…
The worries inside him gave place to overwhelming joy. Yes, even if it was but a small chance, it was still something. And, until the final answer came, why shouldn’t he enjoy the possibility? Embrace that sweet expectation without shame for once?
Barok couldn’t hold back a slight smile as he left that park, walking without haste to the van Zieks mansion with a heart full of hope. He would talk to Kazuma the next day… It would be the first thing he would do. And, even if things didn’t go the way he hoped, he trusted Kazuma to accept that part of Barok that loved him, as he had done with all the much worse parts of him.
Yes… Regardless of how their conversation went the next day, their bond wouldn’t be harmed—not by something like that.
Reassured by the thought, Barok opened the door to his house, walking inside with a pleasant feeling in his chest.
“Lord van Zieks, welcome home.”
That voice made Barok’s heart jump. There, a few steps away, sitting on his couch, Kazuma was waiting for him.
“Oh, Kazuma…” Barok somehow managed to speak in a natural voice. “You’re here.”
Kazuma smiled. “I thought I’d invite myself in, since I have the keys.”
“I see.”
Barok wanted to say more, but the words eluded him. He opened his mouth a few times, only to close it again soon after, glancing around the room in search of anything that could give him an idea of what to say.
“Is everything alright?” asked Kazuma.
No, far from it. In a second, all those fears and anxieties were back in Barok’s mind, drowning everything else, making it nearly impossible to think.
“Yes,” said Barok. “Everything is fine.”
Barok cleared his throat, then instinctively walked toward his glasses cabinet to fill a chalice of wine; but then he thought better, stopping halfway—did he really want to numb his rationality at such a moment? Instead, he approached the window, looking outside in an attempt to turn away from the present and calm himself a little. What was the matter with him, anyway? It was just Kazuma… The man he spent most of his time with. The man he loved and desired with his entire being.
A strong, hot feeling crept up Barok’s neck, spreading through his face. He needed to calm down before he said or did something strange that would push Kazuma away. So, he tried to take a few deep breaths, hoping they would help his mind and heart slow down.
“Lord van Zieks?” Kazuma’s slightly concerned voice brought him back from his anxious thoughts. “Is this a bad time?”
His silence didn’t help save the situation, it seemed. Of course not… How would it make anything better?
“I was just surprised to see you here,” Barok managed to explain.
“Are you sure?” asked Kazuma. “I can come back at a better time if—”
“No.” Barok turned to face him with a raised hand, as if the gesture could stop Kazuma from leaving. “Please, stay.”
Kazuma, who was already halfway from standing, sat once again, staring at Barok with an unreadable expression. Barok glanced at the couch where Kazuma was sitting, wondering if he should take a seat by his side. But he soon lost his courage, sitting on the armchair across from him, lowering his eyes to avoid Kazuma’s gaze.
“Is there something you want to talk to me about?” he asked, before the silence could get too uncomfortable.
“Nothing in particular. I just wanted to see you.”
“For what reason?”
“No reason.” Kazuma let out a brief, nervous laugh. “Is it that strange that I want to spend some time together?”
“I suppose not.”
Silence grew between them, and Barok mentally slapped himself for it. Before he could think of a way to save the situation, however, Kazuma spoke in a low voice.
“Actually, there is something I want to talk about.”
Barok’s stomach twisted. “Go on.”
He hesitated for a second. “It’s about what we were talking earlier today.”
“Oh.”
Not the response Barok wanted to give. Kazuma looked at him, then lowered his eyes again.
“Would you rather not talk about it?” he asked.
“No, that’s not…” Barok covered his eyes with a hand, sighing in frustration. “Forgive me. My mind is not at its best at the moment.”
“Is it… my fault or something else’s?”
“Yours.” Barok only noticed his mistake after speaking. “No, I mean…”
Barok could only stare at Kazuma, mortified, for a moment. He tried to find an explanation—or at least an apology—amid all the chaos in his mind. As he struggled with the words, Kazuma brought a hand to his lips, barely holding back a laugh. His reaction halted Barok’s panic, but also intensified the wave of embarrassment that washed over him.
“Kazuma…” Barok muttered.
“Sorry,” said Kazuma. “But I’m a little nervous too.”
“You don’t look nervous.”
Kazuma shrugged. “I’m a good actor.”
“Much better than I am, it seems.”
“Not that it’s hard.”
“Fair point.”
Kazuma laughed, this time without holding back, and the sound was enough to help Barok relax. Yes, it was just Kazuma… The person he was closest to, and who felt the same way about him. There was no need to be so nervous around him.
They looked at each other. Then, Kazuma patted the empty space by his side, and Barok moved to the couch, sitting next to him. They stayed silent for a moment, but this time it wasn’t unnerving—instead, it helped Barok sort out his thoughts.
“You know what I was trying to say earlier, don’t you?” asked Kazuma.
“I might,” Barok admitted. “But I still would like to hear it from you.”
Kazuma nodded, taking a deep breath. “Barok, I might be…” He stopped himself, clicking his tongue. “No, that’s a terrible way of saying it.”
Oh, so he was nervous. Barok smiled: turns out, it was quite an endearing sight.
“Just say it,” Barok encouraged him in a soft voice. “In any way you want to.”
Kazuma looked at him. He reached for Barok’s hand, holding it before finally speaking, “I am in love with you.”
Barok had hoped so much to hear those words that, now that he had, they almost didn’t feel real. But they were real, and this time he wouldn’t allow his nervousness to stay in the way of him fully appreciating the moment. He raised his hand, lightly touching Kazuma’s cheek in a way he had imagined countless times—still, the warm feeling of his skin under his fingertips was better than anything he could have daydreamed about.
Instead of trying to find the words to respond, Barok leaned forward, closing his eyes. He felt Kazuma’s hand on the side of his neck as their lips touched, the heat of the proximity spreading throughout his body.
He would properly voice his feelings in a moment—as soon as he had enough of that kiss he had so desperately longed for.