Work Text:
THE RED LIGHTS MEAN YOU´RE LEAVING
The headlights looks like diamonds
The taillights burn like coals
Tell me how this story ends...
New York shined like no other city by those years.
The melancholy transported him again to those times, when he used to live in that old building with his friends. It used to be short days and long nights. Parties, alcohol, music and, many times, some substances that none of them should have ever tried.
Many times, he regrets it.
But, beyond that, there was something that he remembered with more longing, the memory sometimes struck his mind like an inevitable reminder of who he once was.
Sometimes, when he closed his eyes in the sleepless nights, he could still see that red light sneaking through the living room window.
He could see the white Chevrolet of Albert parking while he was sitting still at the windows edge, he used to wait for him there, admiring the city and the blinding lights of the cars through the road that was outside their department.
The sound of keys hitting the ground accompanied with a loud “Fuck!” always made him laugh. Then, the door opened and he entered the room.
His presence, as far as he could remember, was one of the few things that had kept him clinging to life back then; even when the room was in complete darkness, Albert was like a lighthouse in the dark, not only metaphorically; Sometimes Julian felt he radiated light as a guide, and, sometimes, when he hugged him, it felt like he give to him all the energy and warmth that the Sun could easily provide.
Although, lately he had begun to feel that Albert had stopped lighting his path, something had extinguished his light.
He knew his path.
Albert took twenty steps towards the refrigerator; he listened the sound of ice crunching and then fifteen steps till stand still in front of the window. He cleared his throat trying to catch Julians attention, but he just handed him the cigarette package without taking his eyes off the window. Albert never denies any of his cigarettes, he just accepted it and sat next to him while he opened a beer.
The first one was never for him.
“Jules.” He said, offering him the beer in a toast gesture.
He always took it and smiled to him.
Without a word, Julian lit Alberts cigarette and watched him take his first drag.
He watched how the smoke scaped from his mouth and his nose, all his body relaxing, even he closed his eyes while the grey fume went through the window into the snowy night.
“How was your day?” Julian spoked softly, surely, none of their friends were at home, he remembered that, during those years, things began to get complicated and each of them began to find his own way.
Sometimes there was only a phew of them, but almost every day, it was only Albert and Julian but even when they were completely alone things always felted like a secret.
“The fucking headlights look like diamonds.” He spoked while rubbing his eyes.
“Not so good, hu?”
New York was never in silence and the lights never stopped shinning. From the window they could see the avenue, fast cars roaring and their lights flashing, it had always been such a neurotic city…
“I guess, it was something that could never work anyway…”
He put out his cigarette on the floor and, frustrated, he threw it out the window.
Julian shrugged.
“Oh yeah, we all told you so.”
Albert gave him a slow punch in the arm.
“Shut up Jules.” He said while laughing.
“Ouch”. Julian exaggerated while rubbing his own shoulder. “Well… at least you have The Strokes.”
“Like half of The Strokes…” He said in a bittersweet mocking tone. “We haven’t rehearsed for moths, and at least Nikolai and Fabrizio are starting to move out. Do you think that they believe that we don’t notice that there are fewer and fewer things in their rooms…?”
Julian sighed, he didn’t remember Albert being so obsessive, he decided to ignore him and took a sip of his beer.
With the cold of outside, it wasn’t very pleasant to drink the beer so cold, but it was better than going to sleep and having those strange dreams product of the drugs and the stress that tormented them both.
Besides that, Julian loved and cherished the little time he and Albert were able to spend together.
“Well, this still being the same shit…” Albert said while lighting another cigarette.
“Wait until were thirty to think about that kind of stuff Al.”
“We are so close…” Now his eyes were lost outside. “When you suggested to me the idea of being able to make a living from music, I never imagined this.”
“I know…” Julian whispered while putting his head on his shoulder. He tried to look at the same place where he was looking but his eyes were lost in nowhere, Albert seemed so fascinating to him, he wished he could take out his eyes and see though them or maybe listen to his toughs.
But it was impossible, Albert was like a stranger to him lately; he used to miss the days when he could tell what he was thinking with just a glance, but now Albert was so unpredictable that it made him feel terrified.
Albert sighed, it was like he was letting all his frustrations out with the smoke and the sighs.
“It was this or the fucking hell of Los Angeles…”
“Why don’t you convince daddy to help you with your music career?”
Albert snorted.
“He doesn’t call me back since he knows that I smoke weed again.”
“If he was as attentive as he thinks he is, he wouldn’t answer any of your calls since you were eighteen.” He pinched his arm in a symbol of complicity.
Albert laughed and watched him with a silly face, he knew so well that Julian couldn’t resist that face; he smacked his lips on his, he closed his eyes feeling Alberts fingertips on his cheeks, caressing him tenderly.
Suddenly, Albert pulled away to catch his breath without letting go of his beloved´s face.
“Let´s get out of this fucking city.”
Julian couldn´t see his own face, but he knew that his expression had suddenly changed.
So that´s what Albert had thinking all along…?
“What the fuck…?”
Albert blanked his eyes.
“Just… just imagine, fuck…” He sounded totally desperate, for a moment he wondered if he wasn´t drugged. “Imagine the things that we could do with a new life… We could buy a house, decorate it however we wanted, we would be far from the city, from all this damn headlights and noises, we could even adopt a puppy…”
Julian looked at him more and more confused, it was like he was under a spell and couldn´t realize what was happening around him, he was beginning to worry about Albert´s sudden euphoric state. But the worst came when he said to him:
“We could even get married.”
That should be a damn nightmare, a really bad dream.
Was that what Albert was thinking? Was the happy ending he´d cried and begged so much to him for far from the city where he was born, far from his friends, his family…?
It must have been a bad joke.
When they were around their friends, he wasn´t even able to look at him in the eyes, much less when they were with their families, and the mere mention of having spent a day together was capable of sparking an argument.
“Why not now? Why not in New York…?”
Albert squinted.
“They will not understand us.”
That was ridiculous.
“We kissed in front of them! They must have heard us making love!” Julian began to raise his voice louder, and he didn´t even notice. The discomfort began to make him feel ashamed; he felt so sorry for himself.
Albert silenced him by hissing, now he was really angry.
“Fuck you!” He was about to stand up, but Albert´s hand put him in the ground again.
He moaned in pain.
“Why do you never agree to anything I do?! I´m always trying to make you happy, but you always seem to hate me!” Now Albert was screaming.
Julian was distraught, twisting his arm trying to free it from Albert´s grip while a few tears of despair began to run down his cheeks.
“Do you think that I don´t know what you do when I´m not home…?” He whispered softly in his ear, he quickly recognized it was a threat. “When I´m out there, trying to fulfill my dream, trying to be all what you ever wanted… you roll around like an animal with other men.”
He began to cry louder and louder but he didn’t know how to make Albert stop.
He pulled his arm violently.
“Do you think I never noticed? You cried every night when we were at Le Rosey just because you wanted to go back to this damn city.” His breath in his ear sent a shiver through his spine. “This is the only place where you can sleep with all the people you want, right?!”
Julian gasped feeling his nails in his skin.
It wasn´t only the physical pain, but the psychological one too; he hadn´t sleep for days and always with that horrible worry about Albert, about what the hell he was doing spending so many hours in the studio, it was the perfect place where he could consume all kinds of junks again.
But, even with all his anger stuck in his mind, he was just capable of bow his head and beg softly:
“I´m sorry… I´m so sorry… you are hurting me…”
He put his imploring eyes on Albert´s and, as if he removed a veil that covered them, he could notice something inside those small orbs: he was tired.
Finally, Albert let go of his arm.
He covered his face with his hands and stifled a desperate cry.
As if he were a dog wounded by his own owner, Julian, still sobbing and with tears in his eyes, hugged Albert tightly.
“I´m so sorry…” He finally reciprocated Julian´s hug. “I´m so fucking tired…”
Pathetic.
Always so pathetic.
No matter what he did, Julian always meekly accepted his kisses and his caresses in a poor attempt at apology.
Then, like a ritual, the two went to Albert´s room, the kisses continued but now more passionate. In the middle of the dark, they both get naked and went to bed, just to explore the bodies which they knew so well, as if they had a map of them.
Julian moaned and screamed his name like an animal clinging to his sweat-soaked body just to see him satisfied.
The night continued in a pleasurable sway; his legs tangled around his hips finally fell asleep as he felt Albert´s pleasure poising into him.
“I love you.”
Julian pretended to sleep just to hear those sweet words he was never able to say to him during the day, and, like all the times he had heard him do it, he couldn´t help but smile softly.
Finally, Albert fell asleep with Julian in his arms…
…
Very early in the morning, Julian woke up alone in the room as usual.
He remembered that during all those years he watched with a feeling of desolation the white curtains of his beloved´s room turn red.
Through the window he could see Albert´s white Camaro towards the main avenue, the headlights of the car lit in a strong red light.
The red lights mean he was leaving.
And, just as he´d learned all those years leaving in the city, when one lover left, another came…