Archive of Our Own ^beta

The day started like just about any other day did. Getting up early, showering when the others started stirring in their beds, and making some easy breakfast for when they were finally shuffling into the living room, half-asleep still.

There was a certain fondness in Taehyun's chest that made its presence known at times like this, when his members were still soft around the edges, not awake enough yet to start the chaos that made up their bonds as a group (and as a family). When Kai flashes him a smile and bends down slightly to bump his head against his shoulder in a quiet greeting; when Soobin stumbles past him not even close to awake and ruffles his hair; when Beomgyu seconds later huffs and reaches up to fix his bangs for him and mumbles about Soobin messing it up; when Yeonjun tiptoes from behind to wrap his arms around him and hums into his shoulder to say good morning. It was pulsating then, the warmth in his chest, and despite everything but also because of it all he couldn’t be more thankful for the life he found himself currently living. The one he had built himself through all the hard effort he had put into training himself. His body, his voice, his brain. The skills running in his veins is what ensured his spot in their group, after all.

So that was why taking a step back and resting when his body demanded it didn’t come easy. Because what would happen if he did? Wouldn’t it all come crumbling down and drag his feet from beneath him? His foundation would crash and disappear. 

Of course it was never an option.

But he didn’t know just how hellish his week was about to become when he noticed and then promptly ignored the tiny headache settling behind his eyebrow as they left for the company building that morning.

They had a tour coming up. ‘Act: Promise’ was waiting for them, so there was no time to waste.

“Alright, let’s run through it three more times. You're doing great!” their choreographer called out into their practice room six hours later, when their bodies were all warm and sweaty yet not nearly run through enough to even think about calling it a day. In less than a week they were set to open their world tour with three back-to-back shows at KSPO Dome here in their own country, and then they’d leave for the states shortly after. There wasn’t much time left at all before they’d live on the road, and so they needed to perfect everything over the next few days. There were only four days until they’d rehearse at the Dome, and five until their first show. Of course everything was hectic.

Rest would have to wait. But Taehyun didn’t complain, even if his body ached a bit more than usual, and his lungs seemed to have to catch for breath in a greater capacity than before. These were just things that happened from time to time, nothing to make a big deal out of.

They found their starting positions for ‘Deja Vu’, their newest title track that Moas would be looking forward to seeing them perform. It had to be flawless. They had of course run through all of their older songs already, just to brush up on the choreography and embed them properly in their bones, but the newer ones needed more finesse.

A melancholic melody came from the speakers, and their bodies startet to move.

Taehyun’s headache pulsed in tact with the beat. 

Push through. This is nothing , he thought, blocking it willfully out and focusing on his body, the way it moved. Sharp, fluid motions. That was good.

He lost himself in the dance.

“Great job guys, let’s take ten!” 

Their choreographer’s voice calling out once more two repeats of the song later was a relief to Taehyun, and he laid promptly down on the floor, chest heaving. He wasn’t the only one; Kai flopped unceremoniously down right beside him, and Taehyun tilted his head to look at him.

“I’m exhausted,” Kai whined, and Taehyun couldn’t help the way his lips spread in a smile at his maknae-like pouting. 

“I know Huening-ah. Me too.”

“Ahh!” Beomgyu yelled, with some hidden storage of energy reserved solely for the purpose of being dramatic. “I can’t take another run through!”

It was what he always said whenever they had more than four hours of continuous practice, yet they never took him seriously when he said it like that; he was being loud just for the sake of it, just to make sure their energy didn’t hit the ground in the same way their bodies did, and Taehyun found himself grateful for it. Beomgyu would always be ready once they started again, and this way Taehyun found it a bit easier to throw himself back into it too. 

Yes, it was all exhausting and tiring, but they were all in it together. An invisible hand reaching out to pull him along. There was comfort in that.

“Water, anyone?” Soobin called, ever the leader, already making his way over to the bottles chaotically arranged against the wall. 

“Yes please,” Taehyun answered with a croak. The room paused, and even if they didn’t all turn towards him he could still feel their attention on him. He cleared his throat, tried again, and this time his voice was crystal clear.

The room breathed out with relief. They really couldn’t afford to get sick now. 

“Aigoo, I didn’t know our Taehyunnie is finally going through his voice change,” Beomgyu teased, his foot lightly bumping against Taehyun’s thigh. The only response he got was a tongue stuck in his direction, and Beomgyu cackled.

Soon enough Soobin dropped a water bottle beside him, and Taehyun pushed himself up to sit upright as he picked it up. “Thanks, hyung.”

Water never tasted better than it did in their practice room, soothing his dry throat. 

Yet somehow, it never seemed to get less dry, even when he finished the entire thing. How come he felt this thirsty? 

He didn’t get to ponder over it as their choreographer called for them to get back into positions, and he left his empty bottle in the corner of the room. 

And so they kept dancing.

It was quick when it happened, only a few songs later. Just a sharp turn to his right in the middle of a verse, about to trade positions with Yeonjun, when his mind suddenly went frightendly blank, and his feet disappeared below him. He crashed into someone on his way down, which he felt bad about, though it did help soften his fall. 

“Oof- Hyunnie!” 

Yeonjun sorta caught him, though his knees hit the ground before he could do anything about it, making him hiss as it sent a wave of pain up his body. At least his head didn’t crash against the floor. Those types of faints were the worst. 

Still, Taehyun felt a bit more than just dizzy, so he leaned against Yeonjun’s chest with a groan as he carefully sat down with him, a hand softly stroking his hair.

“Hey hey, Taehyun-ah. You good? What’s wrong?”

He heard the music getting shut off, and footsteps hovered just around them. He pulled himself back from the safe spot that was Yeonjun. They didn't have time for this.

“I’m fine,” he said, though even to his own ears he could tell he didn’t speak truly. “Just tired, that’s all. It’s been a lot lately.”

Yeonjun frowned, eyes raking over him. “I guess that’s true but…” He lifted one arm, pressing his wrist against Taehyun’s forehead. The touch was oddly soothing, and Taehyun couldn’t help but sigh as he leaned into it, just for a second. “You’re really warm.”

“Of course I’m warm; we’ve been dancing for hours.”

“Aren’t you well, Hyun-ah?” Soobin asked, a frown on his face when Taehyun turned to look up at him. “Give us all the symptoms, no matter how small. Don’t downplay it.”

Taehyun considered lying and saying there was nothing, but he knew they could read him like an open book anyway, and he supposed it was better if they were aware. “There isn’t much to downplay hyung, truly,” he still said, because that was the truth, wasn’t it? “I’m just a bit more tired than I’d usually be, I guess. I have a small headache, and I feel a bit dizzy. That’s it.”

“You’re really thirsty too,” Beomgyu chimed in. “I saw the way you downed that water bottle earlier.”

“And I’m pretty sure you’re a bit too hot,” Yeonjun added. Taehyun opened his mouth to protest, but Soobin cut him off before he could say a word.

“So you’re probably running a fever, then. You should take it a bit easier. Why don’t you go sit down for a little bit? That'd be fine, right?” He directed the last question to their choreographer, who stood right by them.

“Yes, of course. We'll just keep going, and then he can join whenever he's ready.”

“You know I can’t do that,” Taehyun replied to them both, shaking his head. “There’s not enough time. The company wouldn’t allow it either, not unless I’m truly dead on my feet. It’s just a small fever; I’ll be fine.”

And Soobin couldn’t say anything back, because he and everyone else in the room knew that it was true. As idols they had to push through at times when the timing called for it, and it wouldn’t be the first time any of them did so. So instead he relented, giving a curt nod as he reached out a hand and helped pull him to his feet.

“Fine, so be it. But seriously Taehyun, if you need a couple minutes here and there, take it. That will still be more productive than you fainting, yeah?”

“I will, hyung.”

There was a couple hours later that they finally wrapped up for the day. Taehyun had kept his word and sat out on a song every now and then, but never more than one in a row. It was sufficient enough to let him catch his breath and keep him going without stumbling any more. He hadn’t gotten better, though he hadn’t expected to.

Still, he hadn't counted on getting worse. But now his throat felt a bit raw, and his voice was scratchy whenever he spoke. 

It was a relief when they finally set their course back to the dorms.

The thought of dinner wasn’t really appetizing. He didn’t say it out loud though. Certainly he could handle himself without worrying the rest of them any more.

When Soobin asked in the car what he wanted for their take-out he only asked for soup. Their leader didn’t question it, but Taehyun saw the way his eyebrows furrowed. Preparing for days on end like this left all of them quite ravenous, diets or not. But he let it pass.

Some time later after he had showered with cold water that still felt too warm he entered the living room, unsure what to do with himself. Honestly all he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew he should wait for their food to arrive and get at least something in his stomach. He was feverish, yes, but not stupid. Refusing food would only make things worse, even if his stomach churned at the idea.

The headache was back now, sharp and piercing, and Taehyun was taken back by the quiet, barely-there whimper leaving his mouth as he raised one hand to massage his head. It hurt more than he cared to admit.

He jumped at the hand suddenly sneaking around his waist, and Bemogyu gently steered him towards the sofa. “C’mon, sit down on the floor. I’ll massage it for you.”

Taehyun swallowed. “Hyung, you don’t have to. I’ll just take some painkillers.”

“You already did though. I saw you. Sit now.”

There was no changing Beomgyu’s mind, so Taehyun relented, sliding down to the floor and settling in between Beomgyu’s legs as he sat down on the couch. Taehyun sighed as dexterous fingers found his scalp, massaging gentle circles against his tender skin. It lessened the pain, somewhat, and the exhaustion washed over him once more.

“Thanks hyung,” he murmured, voice a scratchy whisper as he leaned his head against Beomgyu’s knee.

“Don’t mention it,” was the last thing he heard before darkness silently crept up on him and dragged him down with it. He couldn’t even fight it as he fell asleep right there.

It was Kai who woke him up later, and Taehyun found himself up on the couch now. Someone must have lifted him up, and Taehyun was surprised he hadn’t woken up by it. Beomgyu was sitting by the table with Yeonjun and Soobin, steaming containers before them. “Taehyun-ah, the food is here.” 

Taehyun tried to answer him, but nothing came out of his mouth. 

Kai only looked at him in confusion as he shot up into a sitting position, a hand against his neck, lightly squeezing. “Hyun?”

Panic rose quickly in his chest, quicker than he could sort his thoughts. He couldn't lose his voice. Not now. He had rehearsals with his vocal coach tomorrow; his voice needed to work. 

He tried to speak once more, and this time something left his mouth, but it was nothing more than croaks and half-broken vowels. 

The anxiety consumed him then, washing away all semblance of logic and calm in his brain with it. 

Too late he realised he was having a panic attack, his lungs struggling to catch the air in the room, his breaths only quick, small puffs. He couldn't think.

It’s gone it’s gone it’s gone-

“Taehyun! Listen to me!” Hands were on his shoulders, the contact an anchor to pull him back from the storm in his head. His vision cleared, and he saw Yeonjun before him, worry colouring his face. 

“Hey hey hey, you gotta calm down. Breathe with me baby, alright? It's fine, you're fine, just breathe. Feel my rhythm.” He removed one hand from Taehyun’s shoulder to grab the hand against his neck instead, guiding it up to rest against his chest. Letting him feel the rise and the fall as he exaggerated his inhales and exhales.

Taehyun closed his eyes, concentrating on the steady movement. In, and out. Just like his hyung. Following in his footsteps; he was good at that. In, and out. 

A few minutes later his lungs filled with air again, and his head cleared, just enough for him to think around the panic.

He opened his eyes to find four worried people before him, and guilt tingled in his chest.

“Hey there, you with us now?” Yeonjun asked, voice soft, and Taehyun gave a small nod. “Darling, what happened?”

Taehyun drew a trembling breath, mortified to feel the sting of tears in his eyes that came with it. He didn't even try to speak. Instead he pointed at his mouth, and made an ‘x’ with his fingers.

“You can't speak?” Kai said slowly, piecing it together with the sounds he made from earlier. Taehyun nodded again, and there was no hiding the way all of them deflated at the revelation. 

“Oh.”

Taehyun bowed his head downward, shielding them from view with his bangs. He felt the way his lips trembled, but he didn't give in to the tears.

This was really bad. Five days until their tour, and one of them didn't have his voice.

“Hyung, it’s fine,” Kai said, a hand finding his. “I’m sure you’ll get it back soon. There’s still time. And worst case scenario, we’ll just have to post an announcement that you’re sick. It’ll be a bummer, I know, but it’s not anyone’s fault, not even yours. But I’m sure you’ll get better in no time.”

Taehyun squeezed his hand, grateful for his reassurance, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to disappoint their fans like that. It would crush him.

“Huening-ah is right,” Soobin chimed in. “This can’t be helped, even if it's really foul luck. And besides, you've trained super hard. Even if you can't go through the songs again right now you'll still nail them the next time you sing. I know you will. But come now, let’s eat before the food gets cold. We all need to fill our stomachs. Let's worry about this later, alright?”

Taehyun let himself be guided to the table, Kai’s hand never leaving his, and a part of him found himself thankful that he was left-handed. It meant he didn’t need to let go to eat.

He didn't know if he could keep his composure if he had to.

The soup was tasteless in his mouth, bland and odd. Swallowing it hurt too, rubbing against his sore throat even if it was mostly liquid. It was the worst meal he could remember. Somewhat lonely too, as he listened to the conversations around the table, unable to join in. 

“Alright, I'll call our manager, let him know the situation,” Soobin offhandedly commented as the meal neared its end. Taehyun still had half the food left, but he doubted he'd be able to finish it. It didn't settle properly in his stomach. “Hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow, but just in case you don't at least they'll be aware. You have vocal training right? I'll cancel that.”

Taehyun opened his mouth to speak, to say he could make the call himself, but the odd sound that left his mouth quickly reminded him why he couldn't. So he shut his mouth and nodded, feeling his cheeks flush.

At least he could blame it on the fever.

“Aigoo, Hyunnie. Go to bed, you look exhausted,” Beomgyu said, the playful tone not quite enough to hide the underlying layer of concern. “I'll clean this up for you, don't worry.”

He couldn't even tell him thank you. 

When he found himself in bed shortly after he could only pray all of this was nothing more than a twenty-four hour bug of some kind, and he’d feel better in the morning. 

Taehyun closed his eyes, and sleep quickly took him.

He woke up screaming.

Or he would have, had his voice worked. Instead his mouth was wide open as he opened his eyes, but not a single sound escaped him as his breath came in stuttering gasps, body drenched in sweat. He sat up, trying to collect himself.

Taehyun didn’t remember much of his nightmare, but he was pretty sure he had watched one of his members die before him. Or was it more than one?

He shuddered, willing the blurry images away. He didn’t need to know. 

His entire body was aching, and his head felt heavier. Even his limbs didn’t seem to quite cooperate as he stood up from his bed on shaky legs, each movement slow and weak.

At least he didn’t feel hot, so that meant his fever had broken, right? He was cold instead, shivering where he stood as the sweat on his body cooled in the air outside of the covers in his bed.

Taehyun headed straight to the shower, feeling disgusting. The soaked fabric of his pajamas clinged uncomfortably to his skin, and the goosebumps all over him scraped against the damp cotton.

This time he couldn't turn the water hot enough, feeling a chill inside his bones. His skin was bright red when he finally stepped out.

“Oh, Hyun-ah. You look horrible.” Yeonjun was looking at him with sad eyes when they met each other in the kitchen minutes later, and Taehyun pressed his lips together. He wanted to say that he was fine, it had just been a rough night, but he still couldn’t speak, so. Once more he found Yeonjun’s wrist resting against his head, but it felt so cold. Was his hyung feeling bad too?

“Shit. You’re burning Taehyun! Have you checked your temperature yet?” 

Taehyun frowned, shaking his head. Why would he, with his fever gone?

“Alright, stay here. I’ll get the thermometer.”

He couldn't even argue against it, since he had no voice. With a huff he slumped down on a chair. Better let his hyung get this out of his system then. He didn't have the strength to push his concern away.

“Here, open your mouth.” Taehyun flinched, opening his eyes. He hadn't even realized he had closed them. He frowned up at Yeonjun who was looking at him expectantly, thermometer in hand.

Is this really necessary? He wanted to ask, and Yeonjun must have seen something in his stare, because he rolled his eyes.

“Just do it.”

He opened his mouth, letting Yeonjun place the instrument below his tongue. He held it for a while until a beep sounded, and his hyung lifted it up to read off the result. So unnecessary. There shouldn’t be anything to find.

But Yeonjun drew in a sharp breath as he read the numbers, and Taehyun wasn’t prepared for what he was going to say next. “39 degrees!? Oh my god Hyunnie, that’s a high fever. You need to stay here and rest. Maybe- maybe you should visit your doctor too. Shit.”

39 degrees? That couldn't be right. He felt so cold. But then again, if his fever really had climbed that high, then that could be a symptom too, right? 39 degrees… No wonder he felt like shit.

Still, Taehyun was quick to reach his hand out to grab the sleeve of Yeonjun’s sweater, shaking his head at him. His hyung frowned.

“You cannot mean to practice like this. That's not good for you.”

Taehyun gave him a pointed look, hoping to get his intention across. It took a few seconds, but then Yeonjun sighed.

“Alright alright, I'm not the person to tell you that, am I? I'd probably do the same thing myself. Aish Taehyun, we're hopeless, aren't we? Fine. I'll make you a deal. I won't tell the others just how high your fever is, and I'll stand by your side and let you practice. But there are rules to this. If you feel like you can't go on, if you feel like you're getting much worse, then you let me know. Alright? I get wanting to be in shape for the tour, but I think we both can agree that getting hospitalized would be even worse.”

Taehyun breathed out in relief. Of course he could count on Yeonjun understanding him. They were cut from the same cloth after all. He nodded, letting go of him.

Before Yeonjun turned around he pointed a finger in Taehyun's face, stern eyes locked over a pout. “I better not regret this. You hear me? Now, do you want some tea for your throat?”

Leave it to Yeonjun to be aggressively concerned for his members.

Later he found out that Yeonjun really meant what he had said. Once more their zombie-like members had somehow managed to wake up for the day, and when they ate breakfast he could feel eyes scanning him.

To be fair, Taehyun didn't do a very good job at hiding the state of himself. He really tried to eat, but it was even harder to swallow now, and it was little he managed to force down his throat before he gave up.

His reaction time had slowed down quite a lot too, so when Beomgyu tried to ask him something it took Kai nudging him before he realized it. 

He looked over, head tilted in a quiet question.

Beomgyu frowned. “I just asked if you could pass me the water, but you didn't respond.”

That was when their leader spoke up.

“You can’t practice like this Taehyun,” Soobin said, voice firm. “Seriously, you need to rest. You're not any better than what you were yesterday. In fact, I think you might be worse off.”

Taehyun bit his teeth together, frustrated at the way he couldn’t say anything back. He shook his head, and lifted up his phone. He opened up the notes app and began typing away, but it went so slow. His fingers trembled.

‘I have to practice. I could never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try. I’ll just be worrying over everything I could do better instead of resting. Please. I have to practice, even if I feel a bit worse for wear.’

Soobin read his words when he passed him the phone, biting his lips as he mulled over them. Ice settled in his stomach. He was not going to let him come with, was he?

Then Yeonjun placed a hand on Soobin’s shoulder. “Bin-ah. Let the kid come. He's put so much into all of this, it'd be cruel to take it away. Sure, he'll probably not be able to keep up fully, but I know just how much it'd hurt to have to stay behind right now. And besides, we agreed that he'd let us know at once if he gets to the point where he really can't keep going. Right, Taehyun?”

He nodded feverishly, hoping it was enough to convince Soobin. If he showed he was willing to cooperate, then maybe he'd trust him enough to go with them.

“Aish Choi Yeonjun, why’d you have to side with him? You're too stubborn for your own good. Fine. Do what you want. At least no one can say I didn't at least try.”

Even though Taehyun felt bad about pushing Soobin like this, he still felt immensely relieved. He beamed at him, and at least that brought a small smile to their leader’s lips. He shook his head.

“You sure know how to wrap people around your finger, Hyun-ah.”

It was hard. Dancing was hard. He somehow managed to get through the songs with minimal mistakes, but every single run through left him gasping for breath, kneeling on the floor as he tried to collect himself. He had to sit out every second song. It just wasn’t possible to keep up with the healthy members. At least their choreographer was kind about it, and didn't reprimand him for his weak performances. A small blessing; he knew it could've been way worse.

He still hated every second of it, as he sat against the wall, seeing the rest of them fly, and feeling himself falling behind. A haze framed his vision, and he kept shivering in spite of the workout his body got. The others had tried to convince him to just give up the first few hours, but eventually they backed off as he only glared back, firmly shaking his head no. Beomgyu had frowned after his very last attempt. “Fine. It’s your funeral.”

And he supposed that was true. Still, he couldn't bring himself to give up. It just wasn't in his blood.

Taehyun had fallen asleep where he sat, leaning against the wall, and Yeonjun saw the way he slumped further and further down towards the floor. No doubt the other members had noticed it too. Their movements were still sharp and on point, but the expressions that met Yeonjun’s observant eyes in the mirror couldn't be hidden.

When the song ended Kai was the first to rush over to Taehyun, gently lowering him down so he at least laid flat on the floor. He found his jacket too, draping it over him as a make-shift blanket. 

Taehyun didn't even stir; his face was still knitted in the frown he often donned when he slept, mouth slightly opened as his breath came in quiet huffs.

His brow glistened with sweat, and even from a distance they could see how flushed he was from the fever.

“I can't stand to see him like this.” Beomgyu confessed where he stood next to Yeonjun, arms crossed over his chest. “It’s ridiculous! I get that he wants to put on the best show he can and all, but does he really need to push himself through practice when his body clearly tells him to stop?”

Yeonjun bit his lip. Of course he agreed with Beomgyu. This wasn't right, not at all. Taehyun should be in his bed, trying to recover. This would only make everything worse in the end.

But Yeonjun couldn't voice that out loud. It'd paint him a hypocrite. After all, he was the first member to push himself through stuff like this. He understood Taehyun a little too well, so he couldn't help but enable this behaviour. Because he'd be kicking and screaming himself if someone tried to hold him away from practice so close to their world tour. Their world tour! Simple promotions would be another topic, but they had been looking forward to this for so long. A place to show their growth, and to give MoA something back. 

Having to stay away from it would absolutely crush Yeonjun. It'd tear him apart in guilt and frustration. And he and Taehyun shared the same ideals, the same types of goals, so he understood his need to practice. It wasn't that the others didn't work hard, because they truly did, but they didn't have quite the same desire to grow like the two of them did, didn't have quite the same devotion. It had always been Taehyun running with him.

So Yeonjun had to stay firmly by Taehyun's side in this matter. Because that was what his younger brother would've done for him. Fighting tooth and nail to protect each other's dreams.

“It's what he wants, Beomgyu-ah. So we have to let him. At least until he truly can't anymore.”

“But who's to say when he gets to that point?”

Yeonjun had no answer.

“Well, I vote we let him sleep for a few songs, at least. He'll probably not be happy about it when he wakes up, but frankly, I couldn't care less,” Soobin huffed, an edge in his voice from his worry. “I'm truly sorry about him, choreographer-nim. We tried to keep him home but he refused to listen.”

The dancer shook his head. “I don't mind. He has not been in the way, and it does make it easier for all of you to practice the dance properly too. But it is tough to see any of you like this. I just wish there was something I could do.”

“That is probably what all of us are thinking,” Yeonjun sighed. “But in case Taehyun doesn't recover in time, then at least the rest of us should be perfect so we can cover for him. Let's get back to it.”

Taehyun didn't remember at first where he was when he opened his eyes. He saw mirrors and black walls, and heard rhythmic thumping from several people dancing in sync. What was that in the background? ‘Chasing That Feeling’? 

Something was draped over him, and he lifted his head to look at it. It looked like… Kai’s jacket? 

And then it came back to him. They were at practice. He had to sit out a song. But his eyes must've closed without him quite noticing, drowning in his thoughts. 

He had fallen asleep.

This is not the time! He scolded himself as he sat up, wincing at the way everything seemed to spin around him for a few seconds before his vision cleared. He looked over at his members, seeing them focusing on their moves. They looked perfect from where he sat, soaring across the floor in precise moves.

Taehyun was taken back by the resentment tightening his chest. Why did it have to be him that was sick? It wasn't fair. It really wasn't. After all the hard work he had put in to be good enough. 

But even if he was sick could still do his job, at least part of it. He still had to practice. Yet instead they had let him waste away the limited time they had with sleeping . 

Leaving him behind as they kept getting better and better.

Taehyun wanted to cry. A voice in his head told him they hated him and wanted him gone.

The song ended, and it took only a few seconds of them catching their breath before Kai’s eyes met his, and their youngest member lit up as he rushed across the room.

“You're awake!” 

His enthusiasm was such a stark contrast to the current moody storm inside Taehyun that his head had to take a moment to restart. 

That's right. These were his members, not the villains his head had painted them to be. The fever was clouding his mind, making him not think straight.

He felt so guilty for his horrible thoughts. Shame bubbled in his chest.

“How are you feeling?” Soobin asked as he wandered over too, handing him a bottle of water, radiating nothing but kindness that Taehyun didn’t deserve. “I know you probably didn't actually want to sleep, but your body had other plans, so we let you be.”

Taehyun accepted the bottle with one hand, and found his phone with the other as he rested the cool bottle against his forehead. He had realised it was easiest to simply use his phone to text an individual member or their group chat instead of typing a note. Then no one had to either say out loud what he had written, or let the phone pass hands again and again until they all were on the same page. It was easier like this, more efficient despite his slow typing speed.

‘It’s about the same, I guess. I have a little more energy now that I've slept though. How long was I out?’

Beomgyu hummed, reading over his words. “An hour, maybe? Eyy, don't give me that look. It was Soobinnie’s decision. And besides, since you managed to sleep through all the sounds we made then how would we even be able to wake you up huh? Really asking for the impossible here.”

Taehyun sighed. He supposed that was fair. He put down his phone and tried to unscrew the bottle, but he felt his cheeks flush when he realized he couldn't. His hands were trembling so badly, and he couldn't even grip the bottle cap with proper strength.

This stupid fever really stripped him of everything he took pride in, leaving him vulnerable and naked. He hated it so much.

“Ah, I'll do it for you,” Kai said, noticing his struggle. He took the bottle and opened it and gave it straight back to him with no more fuss, and their youngest was truly an angel, wasn't he? Taehyun couldn't help the small smile tugging at his lips. He really had the best members.

He lifted the bottle to his mouth, disappointed when he felt water roll down his chin as his hands shook enough to make the water spill. Yet another failure from him.

He emptied the bottle in less than a minute as the others made idle talk around him, waiting for him to join them now that he was awake. When he finished it he couldn't help but think that he could've maybe gone for a second too. His mouth felt so dry.

Yeonjun reached out a hand to him, and Taehyun took it, standing up on trembling legs. It was so unfamiliar, the way they all flocked around him, having to help him like this, but he supposed that was what happened when one of them felt a bit under the weather. Still, he didn't quite know what to do with all this attention.

“We're going through ‘Chasing That Feeling’ a couple more times. Do you feel up for it?”

All Taehyun could do was nod. He wasn't sitting out again if he could help it.

But when they had gone through the song two times that was exactly what he had to do, and despite the kind words from both his members and their choreographer he still felt so disappointed in himself. The dark clouds in his head seemed to grow thicker and thicker, blocking out all the light. 

The others' attempts to cheer him up fell flat every time, and Taehyun felt so guilty about it that he wanted to cry. It wasn’t their fault at all. They were only trying to help. But all his energy was spent on trying to practice and keeping his composure. 

But in the end it all only sent him into a downward spiral. The hours seemed endless, but in the end they finally finished up for the day. 

He fell asleep in the car on the short ride home, head resting heavily against Kai’s shoulder.

When they got to the dorms Kai couldn’t get Taehyun to wake up. Yeonjun observed as he shook his shoulder gently, calling his name, but Taehyun was so far gone that he didn’t even stir in his sleep. His mouth had fallen open again, eyebrows knit together in the frown that had become a permanent fixture these days. 

Yeonjun felt a pit in his stomach. He hated this so much.

“Give it up, Huening-ah. He’s probably exhausted. I’ll carry him,” Soobin said, and Yeonjun could hear how tired he was from his voice. They all were. Comebacks were tough, but preparing for a world tour was even harder. So much needed to be perfected; there wasn’t any time or energy left over for anything else. 

Certainly not for being sick, yet here they were.

“Are you sure you’ll manage?” Yeonjun asked, worried for their leader. “I know it’s not that far to the elevator, but you’re worn-out too.”

Soobin smiled a small smile. “If it is for you guys, I can do anything. Don’t worry.”

So Yeonjun tried not to as Soobin unbuckled Taehyun and got his arms around him. Kai did his best to help slide him out the door, supporting Soobin as he lifted him up in a bridal carry. Soobin wavered just a little before he got a proper grip on Taehyun, but Yeonjun stuck himself to his side, ready to help him should he falter.

Taehyun’s head fell limply against Soobin’s shoulder, completely beaten. He looked so young, suddenly. Yeonjun’s heart ached.

“Will you be alright?” their manager asked, also worried about Taehyun’s current state. Yeonjun mulled it over, before giving a firm nod. 

“We got it, hyung-nim. Thank you, though.”

And so they made their way up to the dorms, Beomgyu taking both Soobin and Taehyun’s bags and Kai opening the doors for them while Yeonjun reached out to support Soobin whenever he looked a bit unsteady, which didn’t happen too much.

“He weighs so little,” Soobin mulled as they stood in the elevator. “I know he’s never been the heaviest, but you’d think there’d be more to him with all these muscles.”

Yeonjun hummed, thinking it through. “He hasn’t eaten much these two days, so that certainly doesn’t help. I hope it won’t have too much of an impact on his training though, he would really hate it if he started losing his muscles. He’s got enough on his mind now as it is, the poor thing.”

“That’s true. I feel so sorry for him.”

“Don’t we all.”

It was perhaps a bit slow, but they made it safely inside their apartment. Soobin deposited Taehyun in his own bed, who was none the wiser about what had just transpired. He slumbered on. Kai found a washcloth and a bowl of cold water, and settled down beside Taehyun, wringing the cloth in water before placing it on his brow.

“I’ll stay with him for a bit,” he said, “just order some food for me please.”

“Of course,” Yeonjun replied, ruffling his hair. “Just remember to wash up too, hm? The best cure for Hyunnie is proper rest, after all.”

“Yes hyung.”

With that the rest of them left the room, leaving the two youngest behind. “Let’s order some food for Taehyun too,” Yeonjun decided as he closed the door. “He can eat it when he wakes up.” Then he reached a hand up, patting their leader on his back. “You did great, Soobin-ah.”

Taehyun was confused when he woke up. He could swear they were just on their way home, but now he was on his bed, still in the same clothes he had worn during practice. He couldn’t remember going inside at all. What had happened?

He sat up, carefully slow as he felt his head spin with the movement. Something slid and fell from his forehead, startling him. A damp cloth? He deposited it on his nightstand, next to a half empty bowl of water. 

Then he rested against the headboard as he picked up his phone, finding several unread notifications below the clock that read 23:34. So they hadn’t been home for long, only around an hour or so. 

‘Food is waiting for you in the fridge,’ read a text from Soobin. ‘Make sure to eat up! You were far too easy to carry.’

So that was what had happened, then. The guilt was back now, eating him up from the inside. Soobin did too much already as their leader, and was likely absolutely spent himself. And yet Taehyun’s condition had forced him to carry him. A literal burden.

It was hard for him to cry, but now he wasn’t sure he could hold it back anymore.

That mindset had nothing to do with masculinity or something like that, though. He fully supported his members whenever they cried. Heck, he had cried himself a couple of times. But it was only when he was truly stretched thin, when there was no more energy to hold it all back.

It was mostly because of the fact he hated feeling weak. Such a stark contrast to the image he had built himself. Taehyun was the headstrong, smart-one. The cold one. He didn’t mind it, even if everyone would disagree and argue that there was way more to him than that. It just gave him a clear image to pursue, and at times it was easier when he had borders to confine himself to. Walls to hide behind when he needed a break.

But he had never felt so low as what he did right now. He couldn’t do anything right, and he had become such a heavy weight on everyone around him. What would he do if he didn’t get better in time? He had already missed out on earlier concerts, back when he had gotten Covid. He couldn’t go through something like that again. He really couldn’t, it’d kill him.

But he was nothing without his voice. Didn’t have a place amongst his other shining members when he was mute.

The tears started rolling down his cheeks, one after another. Taehyun hugged his knees to his chest, and let himself go.

He didn’t even have to worry about keeping silent. It wasn’t like he could make much noise to begin with. But somehow, someway a knock suddenly sounded on his door. Taehyun drew a sharp breath, his tears halting a little. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. Was it Kai that had sensed something maybe? He never knocked though.

“Taehyunnie? You awake?”

Yeonjun. Of course it had to be Yeonjun. The one he felt safest with but also the one he wanted to impress the most. He really didn't want him to see him cry.

A low chuckle from the other side of the door. “I guess you can't really answer, huh? Okay, I'll give you a minute and then I'll come in. So if you're naked you'd better throw something on!”

Was there truly nothing he could do to avoid this? Maybe if he texted quickly about not feeling up for it, but then Yeonjun would come in anyway because he was worried. What if he pretended to be asleep? But he wasn't sure he could make it convincing enough. His cheeks were still damp. 

“Time’s up jagiya~” Yeonjun sang, and Taehyun supposed there was nothing he could do. He wiped desperately at his cheeks, hoping that maybe Yeonjun wouldn't realise it. 

“Hey, I just wanted to see how you were holding up- oh.”

Yeonjun halted in the doorway when he saw the sorry state of him, curled up on bed, and the cat was out of the bag. Taehyun looked down, hiding behind his knees. He didn't want to see Yeonjun when he understood just how pathetic Taehyun had become.

The door closed, and maybe Yeonjun had left. His hypothesis was quickly proven wrong as he felt a dip in the mattress, and he cast a shy look up to find Yeonjun occupying the space before him.

He didn't even say anything. Instead he sat quietly on the bed with him, a little distance away, giving Taehyun enough room to push him away if he wanted to. 

Taehyun realised that if he did that, then Yeonjun would oblige, no questions asked. He'd get up to leave the room and would never bring it up again unless Taehyun did first. And it was tempting. Just dusting it beneath a rug.

But then Yeonjun opened his arms in a quiet invitation, and fuck. Taehyun was so tired of all of this, of this lonely battle he was going through. So after hesitating for only a second he dived forward into his embrace, desperate for the support.

“Aigoo, my baby,” Yeonjun sighed, pressing his cheek against the crown of his head. “It's fine, I got you. Just let it out.”

He kept whispering reassuring words, a hand stroking his back, and Taehyun didn't hold back. He cried hot tears against Yeonjun's t-shirt, clutching at the fabric with trembling fingers. He sobbed and gasped against his chest, but aside from the huffs of his breathing not a single sound escaped him. 

And it tore him further. Even at his lowest he still didn't have his voice. 

“I'm so sorry you have to go through this,” Yeonjun said, voice quiet. “It's just too cruel. I keep wishing that I could help you recover faster, somehow. It hurts to have my hands tied like this. But no matter what happens over the next few days, know that we'll all be beside you. We got you, Taehyun. Just like how you have been keeping us going through all these years.”

And Taehyun cried and cried, tears of frustration and sadness and guilt. He couldn’t seem to make himself stop, as everything he kept inside tumbled out of him. Yeonjun’s shirt became soaked with his tears, but he didn’t pull away. Instead he held him even closer, murmuring soft words of comfort.

Taehyun sniffled a little more as his tears finally seemed to stagnate, and he gave a slight nod when he leaned back to let Yeonjun know he had heard him. He looked at him, and was startled at the gaze directed at him. It was sad, but also somehow filled with so much love, and maybe Taehyun didn't always appreciate their bond enough. But now Yeonjun smiled a little, lifting his hand up to place against his cheek, thumbing away the aftermath of his despair. 

“There you are, jagiya. Go freshen up a little and get your food before you go back to sleep. It's been a long day again for all of us. I'll be thinking about a plan B if you don't recover in time, so don't worry, yeah? We'll figure it out, just you wait and see.”

Taehyun nodded, but then he hesitated a little. Yeonjun noticed, and reached over to the nightstand, grabbing Taehyun's phone and handing it over. “You've got something you want to say, don't you? Go on.”

Taehyun felt his ears flush as he typed in the individual chat to Yeonjun, knowing what he was about to ask was extremely childish and embarrassing, but he just couldn't help it.

‘Can you be here when I go to bed? Just until I fall asleep. if it's not too much of a bother. I think I need to be distracted from my thoughts.’

Yeonjun was way too dramatic as he clutched at his chest, reading his text. “Aigoo, you're just too cute! I can't believe I get to have you as my number one dongsaeng! Of course I'll stay, I'll keep you safe from your head~ You could never be a bother to me, Hyunnie. I mean it.”

Taehyun smiled, abashed but grateful nonetheless. ‘Thank you hyung. You're the best.’

“Of course I am. Go get ready, hmm? I'll just get a couple things done while you eat, and then I'll be here.”

An hour or so later, when he had showered and changed his clothes and eaten what he could of the food, he found himself back in bed with Yeonjun sitting on the edge. He didn’t talk, opting to sing quietly instead as he ran his fingers along Taehyun’s forehead. He felt like a small child, sick and needy, and he supposed that was the truth. But the gesture was so comforting it cancelled out all the negative thoughts in his head, and Taehyun was out like a light.

The next day Taehyun didn't feel any better. In fact he felt even worse, his body shivering constantly. He met Yeonjun in the bathroom, like the other had been waiting for him, and without a word he handed him the thermometer. Dutifully Taehyun took it in the mouth, figuring there was no use fighting against it. He couldn't lie to their eldest member that well. Yeonjun could always tell when he tried.

“It's still 39 degrees,” Yeonjun read, eyebrows furrowed. “Right on the dot. It hasn't gone down. But I suppose it hasn't gone up, either. So same deal as yesterday, Hyunnie. But if it's still this high tomorrow then we really have to talk it out with our managers. Practice is one thing, but you can't go on stage like this. And I know you know it too.”

Taehyun only nodded. He couldn't find it in himself to argue against him. Typing it took too long, and he was well and utterly exhausted. He didn't want to admit it, but he'd never get through their concerts like this. 

He simply didn't have the strength.

“At least today won't be as tiring, though. There’s the vocal practices, but you’ll just get to sit back and listen this time. Then there’s the final fitting of the costumes and makeup tests. And lastly a few hours of dance practice, but that’ll be like nothing compared to these last few days. So fighting, Taehyunnie. You can do this.”

If the day before had been slow, then this one must’ve been snaillike. Taehyun moved through it in a haze. He listened to his members as they sang, and soaked up what he could of the advice from their instructor, but he was half-dozing through most of it. The costume check was dragging along too, and he felt bad for their stylist noonas as he was so slow in changing. He fell asleep when they did the makeup tests, but since Soobin made sure to inform them about his situation they let him be, cooing and doting over him as they told him they hoped he’d get better soon. 

There was tension in all the rooms he entered, everyone worrying if he could beat the odds and heal up for the concert in only two days. As his limbs felt heavier and he got more lethargic as time passed he agonized more and more. He wasn’t going to make it, was he?

The last few hours of dance practice were tough. Tougher than he could ever recall. He really fought with himself to stay on top of it, keeping his body moving even if it felt impossible, and he felt eyes on him constantly. Waiting for him to fall. But he wouldn’t let that happen, desperate to prove himself.

And then finally, finally, it was over. The day was somewhat shorter than the others as they were given a few extra hours to rest up before the rehearsal day at the dome, but Taehyun felt like it had lasted three times as long as usual. As the five of them were left alone in the room they all slumped down on the floor, heaving for breath and collecting themselves.

Then something went wrong.

Even when the rest of their members got up one after another, Taehyun couldn't pick himself up from the floor. His limbs didn't feel like his at all, heavy and disconnected where they lay splayed all over the floor. His chest rose and fell in a shuddering rhythm, and shit. Maybe, just maybe he had overdone it this time.

Taehyun felt a sliver of panic sneak up. He couldn't move. He tried to command his body to work, but it simply refused. 

“Hey Hyunnie, let's go home, yeah?” Yeonjun said, squatting beside him. “You've been amazing, all things considered. We all have been. And now we deserve to rest for tonight.”

Taehyun’s eyes found Yeonjun, and how was he supposed to tell him he couldn't even stand up? In vain he opened his mouth, but only a broken vowel left him.

Yeonjun frowned. “What is it? There’s no point in staying here now, so let's get you up, yeah?” He stretched out his arm, grabbing his hand, but Taehyun's fingers could only loosely wrap around Yeonjun’s strong hand. Yeonjun stood up and tried to pull, but Taehyun was dead weight. 

“Ey, c'mon. I know you're tired but it'll be better to rest at home.”

And Taehyun did agree with him. Right now he wanted nothing more than to rest in his bed. But he still couldn't move, and now Yeonjun thought he was being stubborn on purpose.

His eyes started stinging, frustrated as he didn't know what to do.

“Hey Taehyunnie, let's go? Why’re you still on the floor?” Beomgyu came over too, head tilted to the side in a question he couldn't answer. His stomach was churning, embarrassment and despair swirling around in an uncomfortable dance. 

Yeonjun stopped his tugging, and Taehyun could almost hear the gears in his head shifting. “Wait… Something is wrong. You're crying.”

He supposed that was true, as he felt something hot slide down from the corners of his eyes. He wasn't really a crybaby, but this fever was well and truly mocking him now. He hated it. Hated it, hated it, hated it.

Soobin gasped, having overheard them, and was soon kneeling down beside him. “Oh no, Hyun-ah, what is it? Are you hurt?” He reached out a hand, tenderly wiping away the tears, but the action somehow made him want to cry more. Why were they still so kind when he only seemed to make everything so much harder for everyone these days?

He weakly shook his head, because he wasn't really hurt. Not in the type of way the others probably were imagining. The movement was minimal, but Soobin pouted his lips at it. “Are you sure? Then why are you still laying here?”

They kept asking him questions he couldn't answer. He couldn't help the huff leaving his lips, closing his eyes for a second. How could he-

“Hyungs. I think he can't move.”

Kai, his saviour. Taehyun opened his eyes again, nodding his head ever so slightly. His best friend figured it out, ever in tune with what Taehyun was feeling. He really couldn't do without him.

“Oh,” Beomgyu said. “Is that because of the fever?”

Yeonjun sighed. “It must be. I told you to not overwork yourself, Hyun. But did you listen? Of course you didn't. Of course I should've known you wouldn't. I'm sorry.”

Taehyun felt his heart shatter. Because of his own actions Yeonjun was now blaming himself. He shook his head, trying to convey that it wasn't Yeonjun's fault. 

“Let’s not blame ourselves. It’s just unfortunate circumstances,” Soobin said, tone firm. “Don’t worry, Hyunnie. I’ll carry you.”

Huening quickly stepped forward. “No hyung, I’ll do it. After all, you carried him yesterday.”

Taehyun wanted to protest so badly. No one should have to carry him at all, and he wasn’t sure he could survive the embarrassment if they happened to run into anyone in the building. But he couldn’t move, so what choice did he have? This was his own grave he had dug. He couldn’t do anything but lie in it.

“Only if you’re sure, Huening.”

“Of course. Can you help me get him on my back though?”

Soon after Taehyun found himself carried by Kai, strong arms securely holding him up. His limbs had gained at least some semblance of motion by now, so he wrapped his arms and legs around Kai the best he could. His chin fell on Kai’s shoulder; and maybe he was going to fall asleep again. There was a certain comfort in being held like this, even if it was quite humiliating too.

“Let’s go home.”

What remained of the day was a mystery to Taehyun, as it all seemed to blur together, the waking world mixing with his dreams. He gave up trying to keep track of it eventually, and let himself get pulled down into the nothingness that called him so desperately.

A scream woke Yeonjun up from his sleep early the next day, hoarse and terrified. He shot up in his bed, blinking away the exhaustion. What was going on?

Another yell came from the other side of the wall. That was Taehyun’s room. He didn't think twice as he jumped out of bed, running into the hallway and then slipping inside the open the door to the other bedroom.

What he found was a clearly upset Kai hovering beside Taehyun’s bed. At first Yeonjun couldn't quite piece it together, because Taehyun was half-way sitting up in the bed, and his eyes were wide open. 

But then Taehyun let out a new, shrill scream, and Yeonjun finally took notice of his sweat-stained shirt, and the way his chest was practically vibrating with the short breaths he took.

“Hyung,” Kai said when he noticed him, “he's- Taehyun is- I think it's sleep paralysis. I can't wake him up!”

“Shit.”

He subconsciously took notice of Soobin and Beomgyu tumbling into the room behind him too as he rushed over to Taehyun, Kai moving slightly to give him space.

Taehyun occasionally slept with his eyes open, he had seen it before, but then they were slightly squinted. Now they were wide blown, even more than when he was awake, and it was disturbing. Looking straight into those eyes but not seeing even a hint of recognition as Taehyun looked through him.

He placed his hands on his shoulders, wincing at the tension in them. “Taehyun-ah, wake up. Whatever you're seeing is not real. Follow my voice, yeah? You can do it baby. Wake up!” He shook him slightly, only pausing when a whimper left his mouth. 

“No, please, come back,” he whined, voice small and broken, but something about it filled Yeonjun with relief. He hadn't realized it at first, too hung up in the worry, but now it hit him.

Taehyun’s voice had returned. Despite the situation Yeonjun couldn't help the delighted laugh that left his lips, and he was surprised to find tears pressing at the corners of his eyes.

“Taehyun, Hyunnie, c’mon. Wake up already. Your voice is back! It's finally back baby. Everything will be alright now.”

It still took some seconds longer, but then Taehyun gasped, and his eyes closed as his body let go of the tension, upper body falling down on the bed. He heaved for breath for a few seconds, and Yeonjun sank down on his knees beside the bed as the weight on his shoulders from the entire situation melted away. Taehyun opened his eyes then, and he flushed red once he saw all four of them surrounding him. He scooted up, sitting properly against the headrest. He tilted his head to the side, frowning. No one spoke, and Yeonjun saw Taehyun reaching for his phone.

Kai snuck his way back to Taehyun’s side then, reaching a long arm over Yeonjun's shoulder, and closing his hand around Taehyun's.

“Taehyun, it's alright. You don't need your phone. Your voice is back.”

Wide eyes looked at their youngest. Taehyun opened his mouth slightly before closing it, like he didn't even dare try it. But Kai was smiling widely at him, and so Taehyun opened his mouth once more.

“It's back?” was the first thing he said, a quiet, rough whisper. It wasn't the clean tone Taehyun usually had, but it was still so much more than the nothing of the past few days.

Taehyun gasped then, sitting even straighter as he looked at all of them. “It's back! My voice is back, I can speak, oh my god, I can sing again!”

And then he burst into tears, burrowing his face in his hands as he sobbed into them. Ugly sounds came from him, loud and filled to the brim with pent up worries, and Yeonjun had never heard anything so beautiful. It was infinitely better than the silent tears Taehyun had cried into his chest that other night.

Beomgyu and Kai moved then, pressing themselves into bed on each side of Taehyun, cramped together as they wrapped their arms around him.

“You really had us worried for a while,” Soobin said, voice thick, and Yeonjun figured they all felt a bit emotional. Of course the concerts were a big concern, but the worst part had definitely been seeing Taehyun pushing himself through everything like that while his condition only kept getting worse. Seeing their ever confident Taehyun so worn down; frankly, Yeonjun hoped he'd never see him like that again. “I can't believe I'm saying this, but I've missed your sass.”

Taehyun sniffled, wiping desperately away at his eyes. “Sor-sorry hyung. I'll get back to it soon.”

Yeonjun smiled warmly. “I’m sure you will.”

Taehyun took a few minutes to compose himself, but eventually his tears dried.

“I’m, uhm, I’m fine now,” he insisted, and Kai and Beomgyu leaned back, though they still kept a hand each on him. Taehyun looked up, and Yeonjun swore he could see some sparkle coming back as his bright eyes wandered over each and every one of them.

“I’m sorry for waking you up, I don’t even know what time it is,” he said, voice rough but still there. 

“It’s fine, Hyun-ah,” Beomgyu said, nuzzling his head against Taehyun’s shoulder. “We’re all just happy to have you back to yourself.”

“I’m happy to be back too, trust me.”

Soobin clasped his hands together. “Alright, let’s save all the sappy stuff for later. We can still catch a few more hours of rest, so let’s take a rain-check on this. Go to bed, people. I’ll see you all in the morning.” 

And so everything fell back into normal. Taehyun still had a slight fever, but he was still much more energetic, and having his voice back set fire to his passion once more. He was instructed not to use it too much before their concerts, but Yeonjun still catched him humming and laughing quietly during the rehearsals, and the good energy seemed to scatter all around, within their team and their management alike.

It was a weird thing, he couldn’t help but think, just how much one member’s condition could turn the mood so drastically. Happy, healthy members were truly the best thing in the world. And when they stood on stage the next day in front of thousands of cheering MoA’s, he couldn’t help the big grin on his face as Taehyun cleanly pulled off all his high notes. 

It had all worked out in the end. And that was the best feeling ever.

It was a few weeks later that the rest of their members learned the whole truth. Taehyun had hosted a solo livestream, and Yeonjun had left an unfortunate comment on one of the topics he had talked about. 

So Taehyun was just relaxing in the hotel room he shared with Kai when Soobin basically threw the door open, Beomgyu on his heels and Yeonjun guiltily trotting in behind them too as he closed the door quickly.

“Kang Taehyun!” Soobin all but yelled, and Taehyun flinched where he and Kai were sat eating the food they ordered from room service. “How could you!”

He looked up at him, confused as to what had brought this on. “What? What did I do?”

Soobin planted himself firmly before him, a finger pointed straight at him as barely suppressed rage made his voice shake. “I can’t believe you didn’t let us know! Why did Yeonjun comment on your live that the fever you had before our tour reached 39 degrees!? No wonder your condition got that bad! I can’t believe you!”

Taehyun paled, and from his side view he saw Yeonjun making an apology motion with his hands. 

Well, there was no way out of this now. He sighed, putting down his food. 

“Hyung, I’m sorry,” he said, and the three eldest sat down on the beds, all facing him. Yeonjun still looked apologetic, while Beomgyu directed sad eyes at him. Soobin was still looking furious, and Kai only seemed shocked, probably the last one to hear.

“Is that all you have to say? It was foolish, reckless even! I was not happy with the way you pushed yourself through it all in the first place, but back then I thought it was just a normal fever with an unfortunate side effect of you losing your voice! Had I known it had gotten so high I would have dragged you to the doctors myself! Listen, I know you’re dedicated to this job, and that you put TXT before yourself time after time, but this time it could’ve jeopardized your health. And that’s not cool, Taehyun. Not at all. And you, Choi Yeonjun, are not off the hook either for letting this happen in the first place. I can’t believe you didn’t say anything to me. What is wrong with you both? I don’t want to see you destroying yourself! Is that too much to ask!?”

Soobin didn’t pause even once in his rant, and by the time he finished he was heaving for breath and his ears had turned red. 

The dormant guilt from those few weeks ago resurfaced then, hotter than ever.

Taehyun blinked, and then there were tears rising to the surface again. He thought he was over all of that, but life just wouldn’t let him breathe, huh.

“Hyung, I’m so sorry, I truly am,” he said again, voice choking up. “I didn’t even take the time to consider how you would be feeling about all of this. But-but I couldn’t let it stop me. I know it was foolish, and I know I was a brat, but even if my fever was that high I didn’t have a choice. I had to stay behind once before, and it was the worst feeling ever. I couldn’t let that happen again. And-and losing my voice, I-”

He drew a sharp breath, feeling the tears roll down his cheek. He hung his head, not able to look anyone in their eyes. “I’m nothing without my voice. What place would I even have beside you if I couldn’t even do that? So everything else would have to be perfect. I hoped that if I could at least dance then I wouldn’t be left behind. I didn’t mean to worry you. I swear I didn’t. But I’d tear myself apart if I didn’t at least try.”

Arms were around him and oh. Soobin was hugging him, one arm protectively around his head. Taehyun leaned into it, soaking in his warmth. “Oh Hyun-ah, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled like that. I just don’t want to lose you. The possibility frightens me too much. I want you safe, all of you.”

“And I can’t believe you’d think we’d ever leave you behind,” Kai chimed in, also wrapping his arms around them. “You’re one of the most talented people I know. And I wouldn’t want to be here if I didn’t have you by my side! Where you go, I go.”

Two more pair of arms joined the tangle, and Taehyun found himself swaddled in the messiest group hug he could recall ever being part of. 

“Really, Taehyunnie. You belong just as much as any of us do,” Beomgyu added, voice thick and trembling.

“Yeah, just like the others said. Five minus one equals zero, remember?” Yeonjun finished, and Taehyun was scared his heart might burst from all the love that poured into it.

“Thank you,” he said, voice a bit muffled from where he was completely surrounded. They all eventually leaned back, and when Taehyun could look them in the eyes again newfound courage filled his chest. “Really. Thank you so much for taking care of me when I was sick. It was hard, but I couldn’t have kept going if it weren’t for you. And I know I don’t say it much but… I-I love you. So much.”

“And we love you too, Hyunnie. Forever.”