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There were several fresh graves in the graveyard. I don't remember when was the last time someone got buried here and now… I swear I could still smell the death. It was so grotesque how this faint smell mixed with the smell of flowers and fresh morning air.
I knelt in the shadow of one of the trees there, praying on a rosary for salvation of their souls, maybe mine too.
They are all dead. They didn't want to follow what God intended - to fight evil. And there, they met their end. So now I'm left alone.
This felt strange. I was never anyhow attached to them. The Abbot, yes, but not them. Yes, they were my brothers in Christ, but they weren't my friends. Yet, their death hurt. Maybe the fact that they didn't want to step away from their path of evil when I tried to convince them. Maybe what hurt the most was the fact that I was the only one who's seen the evil and understood that there is a way to bring it to the end and that way is not to follow Abbot’s plan.
I still couldn't believe it. The realization that Abbot had a daughter, realizing his ties to Bathory are stronger than I expected, him being ready to kill Maria, the fight at the church… It felt like my whole life fell apart. Everything I know is in a ruin and I am left here with nothing but anxiety and the last bits of hope, as small as the beads on this rosary.
The only thing I know is that I need to fight to make this evil perish. I will stay with them and keep fighting.
But nevertheless, I felt how the emptiness overtakes me here, in the graveyard filled with blooming trees and several fresh graves. It could be a beautiful morning. The scent of the flowers filled the air, the sounds of birds created sweet music, the sun was gently shining through the trees… On a normal day, I would recitate a psalm that praises the Lord's beautiful creation, but not today. All this beauty was nothing while I was thinking that it might get drowned in eternal darkness if we don't stop that demon and her army…
I tried to focus more on the prayer, but my mind was filled with all sorts of thoughts, mostly dark.
And just as I was about to stop praying and go back, I saw two familiar green glowing points among the blooming trees.
Still holding the rosary, I got up from my knees.
I knew he's here. I could smell him, feel him…
I remembered how he took me away from the fight. I thought he won't come back after that but here he is.
“Have you come here to tempt me again?” I asked, looking around, still not seeing anything but two green piercing points in a cloud of smoke.
There was no answer.
“Show yourself!” I hissed.
Just then he materialized in that place, in the shadow of a blooming tree. His dark hair floated in the morning breeze.
“No, I didn't come to tempt you. I just came to make sure you're not endangering yourself. It's not safe here anymore.”
I furrowed my eyebrows and clenched my fingers around the rosary. Then I hid it in my pocket.
“What if the Abbot finds you here? Do you think he will reward you for your loyalty?” he snorted.
I took a deep breath.
“Do you really think I'm this stupid? I'm not here for the Abbot. I only came here to pray. I know the Abbot is corrupted and completely consumed by his devilish plans. I only wanted to have a moment of peace. The group needs rest too and I am just as tired as them.”
I looked back at the church. I couldn't stop thinking about it. How this place of prayer and shelter to many got desecrated, all because of him. A man who was my mentor, who I trusted, who I believed was good and righteous…
Everything was a lie.
I stared at him. He was standing a few meters away from me in the shadows. I knew he couldn't step in the light and get closer to me that way. It was as if he kept himself at a distance from me on purpose.
But within a blink, he appeared behind me.
“Even when all your fellow monk friends are dead, you still come here? I know their death wasn't so meaningless to you. But you don't need to put yourself in danger.”
It was strange, because I heard worry in his voice.
“They weren't my friends.”
“But you feel sad, I can feel it.”
“How so?”
“It's impossible not to. The sadness spills out of you.”
I felt shivers running down my spine as he got closer. This strange smell of his filled my lungs. It was intoxicating. I felt my heart suddenly skip a beat. I was still, not turning my head around as if I was completely paralyzed.
“How can one not be sad when all his life fell apart?” I muttered, feeling a tremble in my own voice.
“Did it? Is there really nothing left for you?”
I didn't answer. Why should I confide in him about anything that troubles my heart?
There are things that haven’t fallen apart. My faith, the foundation of my life, is still here, holding me as I start sinking in all this darkness… I need to fight, I know that. No matter how everything seems to be pointless.
I couldn't understand any of it. With each day, everything felt more and more nonsensical. I tried seeking answers in the scripture, in prayer, asking God to answer my questions. If God created hell too, is it a purge he sent to the Earth? Is it his way to punish people for their sins, for that sin itself to consume them, to send torture above imaginable…? No, He wouldn't do that. It's not His design, not any of it. Maybe it's a test? For the righteous men to pick up a fight, to show which ones are truly good, those who will have the strength to fight that evil no matter what…?
But the ones who are fighting her aren't people of faith, it's just me.
So maybe I could use it to repent myself? To redeem my soul from the sins I've committed?
None of those answers seemed right. So maybe there is no answer after all? No answer…
And then there is another thing I can't answer. Him.
“You’re quiet,” he muttered.
“That doesn’t mean that I mean that nothing really matters to me anymore. I have my own war to fight.”
To my surprise, he laughed.
“Ah, a war. You’re always on a war with something, Mizrak. I see that. But which war is it? The one here, fighting Erszbeth Bathory or the one you had with yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re fighting. Constantly. Fighting what fills your heart…”
He was provoking me once again. So in the end, he came here to tempt me again.
I didn’t want to give him any answers. At the same place I wanted him gone and I wanted him to stay.
I wanted him to be close. Some part of me wanted to feel it again. I wanted that softness that I always refused to take. For the first time I didn't want violence and pain. I was thinking about the softness of his skin, tenderness of his hands… Like they were the only thing that can soothe me in this madness that I was slowly sinking into. But there was no chance for that, no.
And I won’t admit any of it.
“Why are you here?” I asked yet again. “Why do you always find me? Why do you… Keep coming back?”
I turned to him to see that poisonous green eyes stare at me. For the first time I saw hesitation in them. But just for a moment.
He laughed.
“Tell me, Mizrak, since you are a man of faith… Does devotion need a reason?”
I felt my heart beating even faster. If it's true that he can hear it, then his mocking smile would be explained. Although, was it really mocking?
He is a mystery that I can’t understand no matter how hard I’m trying.
“Does it?” he asked again, leaning closer.
I took a deep breath. I won't let my pounding heart dictate what to do over my mind. Not again. Not like before…
“It doesn't,” I answered. “But that's not what I asked you about.”
He laughed again.
“You did, and I answered. I am completely devoted to you, can't you see it? Even though I get nothing from it after all. Isn't that… Familiar? I'm putting myself in your situation. How ironic…”
But before he finished the sentence, I pushed him to the nearest tree, similarly to when we first met. Except this time I haven't had a dagger in my hand.
“Be silent! How can you…?!”
“But I am right, aren't I? You, praying to your God all the time for any clarity, answers and he is still silent… Oh, I know how it feels. To hear only silence when your heart is burning with living fire.”
I gritted my teeth and tightened my grip on his arms.
I could have pushed him into the sun. It would be so easy and all my worries would be gone with him. I am a knight of Saint John. It's what we do - get rid of the evil from this world.
But I started doubting that this man who I held there was as evil as I assumed from the very beginning. The last words he said… I sensed pain in them.
“But I won't pray to you to give at least a bit of the feeling I have for you. And yet, I can't just let you go. I can't stop wanting to protect you… I could have just let you die yesterday, but I couldn't. Don't you see? We're just the same. We can't just run away now…”
“We can fight,” I muttered, lightening my grip.
“You're the one who fights. You fight me all the time. But do I fight you? Look at me now. You could kill me where I'm standing, you could push me into the sun and watch me burn and I won't fight. But you won't do it.”
It was like he was reading my mind.
“Then why are you still here?”
“Because I can't let you die, Mizrak. I already told you that yesterday.”
His expression suddenly shifted. There was this strange sad look on his face, once again.
I knew deep down that even if someone told me to do it, I couldn't kill him. There was something about him that I couldn't name.
I was thinking about him. Way too often and in a way that I shouldn't think of someone like him. The dreams when I'm with him and then dreams where I'm burned by fire, experiencing unimaginable horrors mixed together each night.
So why shouldn't I just give in for now if I already know what awaits me?
The urge to be close to him was too strong. I wanted to fall into his arms and forget the whole world.
He wants to protect me. He sees something in me that I myself can't see. He thinks I am someone worth fighting for. He thinks…
That I'm someone worth his devotion.
That thought made the blood in my veins freeze. It was both blasphemous and strangely sweet. Devotion.
And yet, I hurt him. Over and over again. All the words that hurt worse than a stab with a dagger. Because I was scared of what this might bring to me. With each touch l felt hellfire crawling to me. He is a creature of pure evil.
But can a creature of pure evil want to protect someone for no reason? Can it say such words as I heard a second before?
This was something I couldn't understand.
I leaned to him.
“I think I will never be able to fully understand you. You're something beyond my comprehension.”
This was the only thing I could say.
His eyes flickered. He blinked and his eyelashes fluttered in surprise. It was like a spark that lit me inside. He felt it too, I knew.
It was stronger than me. He was the flame and I was a moth. I know I will burn. One day, soon. But for now… The warmth was comforting. I let it take over me.
I put my hands on his hips. They fit here perfectly. Like I was born to hold him.
The hands that God gave me were made to hold a creature of the darkness.
But for now nothing really mattered except him. The expression on his face, his slightly parted lip…
Oh, those lips.
It was a thought that became reality way too quickly. I pressed my lips to his.
I never really did it like this, so delicately. It felt so strange to do it so differently, yet it felt right. It felt right when he returned the kiss and put his hand gently on the back of my head.
The sweet scent of flowers mixed with his own. I felt the softness and warmth of his lips with each second. He felt the rhythm of my moves and followed it, slowly, sweetly… He let me explore his mouth in a completely different way. It was vulnerability. We let ourselves speak without words. We both could choose to do it otherwise but we didn't.
When I pulled away, everything felt hazy. His eyes were glistening with something strange. And his lips curled in a soft smile.
If something could be an answer, then it would be his smile.
For a moment I felt hopeful.
“If not you, I would die there…” I muttered. “This is all I can give you back.”
I felt his hand on my chest. But he didn't say anything. It felt strangely pleasant to see him suddenly so confused.
I noticed some petals from the tree fell on his hair. I picked them carefully, caressing him as I did. I took his face in my hands.
“There is a battle we need to fight. And we must win. The good will always win.”
“You said we and good next to each other so I guess that means you do think I'm not a demon from hell after all?” He asked teasingly.
I huffed.
“Maybe I found out that there is some good in you, Olrox.”
He smiled yet again.
“Then I will fight with you,” he said. This time he put his hands on my waist.
I wanted to savour this moment forever. To keep looking at him like this. To think that there is no other thing in the world. That this world is not falling apart, that there is an escape. There is some safe place for us, somewhere where there is no danger, no worries…
But that's not possible.
The reality hit me like a punch in the stomach.
“We must go. The Abbot might come here any time now,” I muttered.
An unhappy grunt escaped his lips.
I pulled away from him and then I took off my cape and stretched it above him to create a shade where he would be safe. He was a little surprised but then laughed.
“You know I don't need it? I can just disappear in a cloud of smoke.”
“Maybe I still want to stay with you for a while to talk to you? I still have some questions that have been bothering me for the past few days.”
“Hm, that's new. You were never the one to talk with me.”
“I think I finally must. It's been too long and I have too many unanswered questions…”
He just nodded. We started walking away. At first I was scared that something might happen to him, but the shade of my cape was enough for now.
“What are your questions then?”
I had so many of them. But one particular question couldn't stop bothering me.
“You said you don't love me. Then why do you keep chasing after me? Why do you protect me?”
His snake-like pupils narrowed drastically. That was an expression I haven't seen on his face before.
He tensed and stopped, like something turned him into stone.
“Do you love me, Olrox?”
But instead of hearing an answer, I saw him dissolve into a cloud of smoke.
I couldn't believe it. After what we had, he just disappeared like this?!
I growled and put on my cape again. Now he runs away?! When I actually think I can do something about all of it?
I was mad at him.
I took a deep breath and looked at the graves behind me one last time. I felt like the bodies buried there could crawl out of the earth and take me with them to hell. I felt a strange shiver running down my spine. I wanted to scream, to run, to go look for him… But instead I just stood there.
“God, why all of this?” I asked, looking at the sky.
In answer I only hear a rustle of the wind among the trees. Some flower petals fell to my feet and I picked them up. Their beauty is temporary, just like that kiss was only a moment that will probably never repeat again and it will just be a bittersweet memory. This only reminded me that everything fades.
“Vanity of vanities, all is vanity…” I muttered the verse from the Book of Ecclesiastes.
Whatever it is that's between us, it will pass. I will pass too. No matter if I'm buried here soon, or somewhere else. Killed by one of the vampires or otherwise. He will pass too, even though he is a vampire. The Belmont boy wants him dead, and if not him, then Tzuentes or Bathory will kill him for either his pride, or his lack of loyalty. The end is inevitable.
There is an end to all of it. Maybe this heartache will have an end too. Maybe if not by death, there will be another way for it to stop.
But not the death was what scared me now. Loneliness did. I was alone once again. Without him. And being here alone for the first time really hurt. And that fact made me angry. I never needed him, I only lusted him. But now I need him so much it hurts.
I started to admit that there is something more to this than just those needs of flesh. That maybe there is something more than the sin I committed.
But what is it all for him if he just left me without an answer?
Will it always be like this? Us running away from each other?
Maybe I was right all the time and there is no place for us in this world? Maybe there is no possibility, no matter what I will tell myself or what will happen, those two worlds we represent can't collide. There is no in-between, there are no shades of gray, no way of compromise…
It's funny how it hurts now that I think about it. I used to think that he was a creation of hell. But he was right, we are both so similar. Yet so different…
As I was walking away to rejoin the group again, I let my thoughts drift away to one of the nights we spent together.
I know you would think it's strange but… What if we ran away? Get rid of the past, leave it all behind us… Wouldn't it be nice to start over, be born again? Just think about it.
Just think about it. And here I am, thinking, definitely too much.
I stopped. I felt like I really didn't want to go back just now.
Suddenly, the sadness in me was overflowing. It burned in my chest like a living fire.
Is this what he felt each time I pushed him away? Now I am the one in his place. Is this what he wanted? To make me feel the way he did?
I felt the tears running down my cheeks.
But I need to come back. I need to fight. No matter if I see him again or not. No matter if there is any place for us, anywhere. No matter if this will pass or not.