Chapter Text
Dearest, Rev
“i don’t think i’d do well as a muse, but i’ll live a pretty doom.”
you say that, oblivious to the girl who only talked to you when she seemed confident enough, in a fleeting moment. a compliment, a passing comment on the weather, furtive glances, a heart beating like a whip against her chest. you were my muse, the reason i picked up the pen, my motive for murder, the model of beauty, grace, passion, anger and revolution. you could never look at me like that, i knew it deep in the cracks of my torn and broken heart, but i couldn’t stop. i stood in a dark room, brimming with thoughts, feelings, emotions that i thought could never be felt or heard or known, when you walked in holding a candle, with your paragraphs and poems, clever words that consumed me wholly, cradling me in their warmth and tender cruelty. you believe that everyone who claims to love you only loves the show you put on for them, but i know that i’ve loved you since that day all those years ago, sand in our hands and childish babbling escaping our lips. i used to look at the fools in love and scoff. how could anyone love someone to the point of destruction? i now realise my mistake. i am reduced to a meaningless substance in your presence. i crave your touch, your voice in my ears all day, for you to feel the same afffection i do. i reach and reach, but i know that it is useless. my friends look at me in pity, their dear friend lost in the haze of a girl who would never look at her the same if she knew the thoughts running through her brain. TOUCH ME, i want to scream. NOTICE ME, LOVE ME, CALL MY NAME, i want to sob. instead i look away and try to ignore the intrepid ramblings of my soul. you would never look at me like that anyway. i know that you would never love me the way i want you to, so i stand far away, watching over you, hoping against hope that you would flash me a smile for me to think back to until the memory is fractured and faded at the edges. loving you is a path that ends in a cliff, so instead i love the glimpses of yourself you show to the world, pretending that if i reread each word you write , every stupid, inconsequential message that means nothing and everything, all at once, i could ignore the fact that i will never be yours. i dont love you anyway, i say, very aware that if you were to one day push me underwater and hold me there, i would thank god for letting me die looking into your eyes. you would never love me back, i say to myself, tamping down the tenacious bud of emotion growing in me. i love you so much, i want to say.
“you look pretty today.”
yours with love,
crabby