Work Text:
Tom Riddle prided himself on many things—his intelligence, his ambition, his mastery of magic well beyond his years. This love potion? It was flawless. Perfectly brewed. Untraceable.
And yet...
Harry had managed to ruin everything in the most spectacularly idiotic way possible.
“Potter.” Tom’s voice was slow, deadly calm.
Harry was wheezing, doubled over with laughter, tears streaming down his face. He barely managed to suck in enough air to choke out, “Oh—oh, Merlin—she’s—she’s—”
Nagini, his loyal and deadly companion, was draped over his shoulders. Normally, she was a terror to behold, a creature of menace and power. Now, she was rubbing against him like a besotted cat, cooing in soft Parseltongue.
“My beautiful dark lord,” she sighed, nuzzling her massive head against Tom’s cheek. “Your eyes are like twin galaxies. Your power makes my heart race.”
Tom closed his eyes. Breathed in. Out. Counted to ten.
“Potter.” His voice was strained. “Fix. This.”
Harry rolled onto his side, gasping, one hand clutching his ribs. “I—I don’t even know how!” he cackled. “You were the one who brewed the damn thing!”
Nagini, apparently not appreciating the interruption, turned to Harry with a sharp hiss. “You will not laugh at my beloved.”
Harry, still grinning, held up his hands in surrender. “Sorry, sorry. Please, continue wooing your—uh, dark lord.”
Tom clenched his jaw as Nagini curled herself tighter around him. “Nagini.”
“Yes, my love?”
“Get. Off.”
Nagini gasped. “Oh, my cruel, mysterious master! How you toy with my heart!”
Harry made a strangled noise that sounded suspiciously like he was trying to hold in another bout of laughter.
Tom took a deep breath, then another. He had conquered death. He had bent magic to his will. He had followers who would kill and die for him.
And yet, at this moment, he was utterly powerless against a lovesick snake.
“I am going to kill you, Potter,” Tom promised, reaching for his wand.
Harry just grinned. “You’re gonna have to get past your girlfriend first.”
Tom groaned. Nagini was heavy. He had never minded before, but he also hadn’t anticipated a situation in which she would be trying to cuddle him.
“Oh, my dark, brooding master,” she crooned, coiling tighter around his torso. “Your power is intoxicating. Your voice, like the sweetest of melodies. The way you pronounce my name—”
Tom refused to let the tips of his ears burn red.
“Fix. This,” he snarled, but it wasn’t directed at the snake currently attempting to rest her giant head on his shoulder. No, the target of his barely contained wrath was still on the floor, absolutely losing it.
Harry Potter, bane of his existence, was curled up, laughing so hard he could barely breathe. “I—” he gasped, pounding a fist weakly against the floor. “Oh, oh, Merlin—T-Tom, she’s poetic. Did you know she was poetic? She’s—oh, Salazar’s saggy pants—” He dissolved into another fit of wheezing.
Tom’s fingers itched to hex him. The only reason he hadn’t yet was because Nagini, completely enamored by him, had taken it upon herself to hiss threateningly at Potter every time he so much as smirked at Tom the wrong way.
“She’s going to kill you, Potter.” Tom bared his teeth in something that could almost be called a smile. “And I will let her.”
Nagini gasped. “Oh, my love! You would let me spill blood in your name?”
Harry howled with laughter. “T-Tom, I think she’s about to propose.”
Tom hated him. He despised him. He had spent months crafting that potion, ensuring it was flawless, ensuring Harry would be the one drinking it—
And that absolute menace had gone and spilled it all over Nagini.
It was a simple plan. A brilliant plan. A foolproof plan.
Tom had long since accepted that Harry Potter was a problem. A distraction. A puzzle he couldn’t quite solve, no matter how much time he spent dissecting his own obsession.
He should have killed him. He should have wanted to kill him.
But he didn’t.
Because Harry Potter was interesting.
His magic was unlike anything Tom had ever seen, raw and volatile, held together by sheer force of will. He didn’t grovel, didn’t fear him the way everyone else did. He had a sharp tongue, a quicker mind, and the audacity to smirk when Tom threatened him.
And worst of all, Tom found himself liking it.
That was unacceptable.
So, naturally, he came to the only logical conclusion: he would bend Harry Potter’s will to his own. And what better way to do that than with a perfectly crafted love potion?
He had spent months on it.
The potion had to be subtle, had to mimic real emotions rather than the crude, obvious infatuation of lesser brews. It had to make Harry crave him, choose him, need him, all while believing it was his own will.
And once Potter had fallen, once he had willingly given himself to Tom, then Tom would have won.
It was supposed to be perfect.
Instead, he was currently being cradled by an enormous, lovesick snake while Potter had to hold onto a chair for support because he was laughing so hard.
Tom wanted to scream.
“Potter.” His voice was ice.
Harry wiped at his eyes, still chuckling. “Yes, dearest?”
Nagini hissed in fury. “How dare you address my beloved with such familiarity!”
Harry lost it again, collapsing onto the chair. “Tom, Tom, I’m begging you, please don’t fix this. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Tom’s eye twitched. He was going to kill him. Slowly. Painfully. He was going to—
Nagini gently, reverently, nudged her snout against his cheek. “Are you hungry, my love? Shall I hunt for you? A gift, perhaps? A token of my undying devotion?”
A muscle in Tom’s jaw ticked.
Harry wiped away a tear, grinning so wide that Tom briefly entertained hexing his mouth off. “See? She’s romantic.”
Nagini tightened her coils around him. “Say the word, my heart, and I will bring you the most succulent of prey.”
There was a long, long pause.
Then Harry tilted his head, eyes practically sparkling with mischief. “Tom,” he said, lips twitching. “What if she brings you a dead body?”
Nagini perked up. “Would you like that?”
Tom was going to die.
Tom needed out. Immediately.
There were many things in the world he could tolerate—weakness, stupidity, failure—but this? This was beyond even his impressive patience.
Nagini was still draped over him, her massive coils wrapped around his shoulders, her massive love-struck eyes gazing at him as though he personally had hung the stars in the sky.
“I could bring you a deer,” she suggested sweetly, her voice a silky hiss in his ear. “Or a fox. Or—” Her tongue flickered. “—perhaps a human?”
Harry had fallen off the chair. Again.
Tom inhaled sharply through his nose. “Nagini.”
“Yes, my love?”
He gritted his teeth. “I do not need a human corpse.”
Nagini tilted her head, as if considering this. “But you deserve the finest gifts. A fresh heart, perhaps? I could—”
“I do not want a heart.”
Harry wheezed, banging a fist against the floor in helpless laughter. “She’s—she’s offering body parts now, Riddle, I can’t—”
Tom did not whimper as Nagini curled herself tighter around him, but it was a close thing.
He had to fix this. Now.
With precise movements, he reached for his wand. Before he could so much as cast a single spell, however—
Nagini gently nosed his hand down.
“No need for violence, my love.”
Harry, from his spot on the floor, howled. “Oh, Tom, she’s—she’s soft for you.”
Tom glared at him with the full force of his hatred. “If you do not shut up, I will Obliviate you until you forget how to breathe.”
Harry grinned. “But then who would fix your little love problem?”
Tom’s grip on his wand tightened.
Nagini sighed blissfully, rubbing her massive head against him. “Ah, my sweet, brilliant, terrifying lord.”
Harry dissolved into fresh laughter.
“You don’t understand,” Tom hissed, pacing back and forth in the Room of Requirement. Nagini was currently outside, having been gently convinced to go “fetch” something for him. That would buy him at least ten minutes before she returned with something…unpleasant.
Harry was still grinning. “No, I understand perfectly. You tried to drug me, and now your pet snake wants to marry you.”
Tom exhaled sharply through his nose. “It was not a drug, it was a subtle, undetectable enhancement of natural emotions—”
“Oh, pardon me, I forgot that makes it morally acceptable,” Harry drawled.
Tom’s eye twitched. “I would have made you very happy.”
Harry grinned wider. “So romantic, Riddle.”
Tom wanted to strangle him, but, unfortunately, he needed Potter’s help.
“The potion needs to be neutralized,” he said tightly. “Before she does something truly unfortunate.”
Harry hummed, tapping his chin. “Like, say…bring you a dead body?”
Tom clenched his jaw. “Yes.”
Harry leaned against the table, looking far too pleased. “And what do I get out of this?”
Tom narrowed his eyes. “You get to live.”
Harry laughed. “Tempting, but I think I can do better.”
Tom waited, arms crossed, already regretting everything.
Harry smirked. “I want one favor. No questions asked.”
Tom hated him.
But at this point, he had no choice.
“…Fine.”
Harry beamed, clapping his hands together. “Alright then, lover boy, let’s fix your little problem.”
“I loathe you,” Tom muttered, watching as Harry casually stirred the cauldron.
“Yeah, yeah,” Harry said easily, tossing in another ingredient. “Now, tell me again...why did you think a love potion was a good idea?”
Tom’s lips thinned.
Harry smirked. “Oh, wait. Lemme guess. You couldn’t just talk to me like a normal person?”
Tom’s silence was damning.
Harry snorted. “Merlin, Riddle. If you wanted my attention so badly, you could’ve just asked me out.”
Tom refused to dignify that with a response.
“Alright, alright, no need to sulk,” Harry said, ladling the antidote into a vial. “Here. Make your girlfriend drink this.”
Tom snatched the vial from his hands.
And just in time, because at that moment, Nagini slithered back into the room, carrying something suspiciously bloody in her jaws.
“My heart,” she purred, dropping the limp body at his feet. “A gift for you.”
Harry shrieked with laughter. “SHE DID IT, SHE BROUGHT YOU A CORPSE—”
Tom took one look at the dead rabbit at his feet. Then at Nagini’s adoring expression.
Then, without hesitation, he shoved the antidote straight into her mouth.
Nagini blinked.
Then, very, very slowly, she looked down at the rabbit.
Then back at Tom.
“…What,” she said, in the flattest tone imaginable, “the actual hell just happened?”
Harry collapsed against the table, laughing so hard he wheezed. “Oh—oh, Nagini—”
Tom exhaled through his nose, rubbing his temples. “Do not ask.”
Nagini’s eyes narrowed. “Was I drugged?”
“…Do not ask,” Tom repeated.
Harry grinned. “Oh, I’ll tell you later.”
Nagini turned to Tom, unblinking.
“You,” she hissed, tail twitching. “Owe me.”
Tom groaned. “I hate everything.”
Harry, still smirking, nudged him playfully. “Well, at least you know one thing, Riddle.”
Tom glared. “And what is that?”
Harry beamed.
“You’re definitely girlfriend material.”
Tom stared at him.
Harry’s grin widened.
For a moment, there was only silence.
Then, very seriously, Tom considered blasting Potter into the next century, the afterlife, the void, a parallel dimension, the depths of the Black Lake, or straight into the sun.
Tom Riddle had suffered many things in his life.
Orphanhood. Muggle stupidity. The insufferable incompetence of lesser wizards.
But nothing—nothing—had prepared him for the absolute hell that was Potter’s smugness.
“So,” Harry said, still grinning like the menace he was. “What did we learn today?”
Tom’s eye twitched. “That I should have killed you before this ever happened.”
Harry snorted. “Wrong. The answer is: ‘I will never try to drug Harry Potter again.’”
Nagini, now free from her temporary romantic hysteria, gave Tom a look. “You tried to potion him?”
Tom hated that the betrayal in her tone actually made him feel guilty.
Harry gasped dramatically, clutching his chest. “Oh, Nagini, you should’ve seen him. The dedication. The months of effort. He really, really wanted me to fall for him.”
Tom considered cursing him. Just a little.
Nagini, unimpressed, curled around herself. “You realize you could’ve just talked to him.”
Tom’s jaw clenched. “I am aware.”
Harry leaned on the table, smirking. “So? What do you have to say for yourself?”
Tom inhaled sharply. Looked at Potter’s infuriatingly amused face. Looked at Nagini, who was judging him.
And then, with all the dignity he could muster, he said—
“I regret everything.”
“Not everything, surely,” Harry teased, following him down the corridor.
It had been hours since they had fixed the disaster that was Nagini’s love potion incident, and yet Potter refused to let it go.
Tom walked faster.
Harry kept up. “I mean, you did get something out of it.”
Tom refused to engage.
Harry, thrilled to be annoying, continued. “You found out I would’ve gone out with you if you had just asked.”
Tom froze.
Harry grinned.
Oh, no.
Slowly, very slowly, Tom turned his head. “…Excuse me?”
Harry rocked back on his heels, utterly pleased with himself. “I mean, yeah, you could’ve gone with the whole ‘mind control’ route, but honestly? If you’d just walked up to me and said, ‘Potter, we’re dating now,’ I probably would’ve said yes just to see what happened.”
Tom genuinely did not know what to do with that information.
“…You’re lying.”
Harry shrugged. “Guess you’ll never know.”
There was a pause.
A long, calculating pause.
Then—
“Potter.”
Harry raised an eyebrow. “Yes, dearest?”
Tom did not acknowledge the heat at the tips of his ears. “We’re dating now.”
Harry blinked.
Then, his grin split wide. “Oh, are we?”
“Yes.” Tom lifted his chin, as if daring him to argue.
Harry laughed. “You’re ridiculous.”
Tom smirked. “And yet, here you are.”
Harry snorted, rolling his eyes, but there was something genuine in the way he looked at Tom, something warm and interested, and—
Tom supposed, in the end, that the entire disaster had been mildly worth it.
(He would never admit it out loud.)
Nagini sighed as she watched them walk off together.
“Idiots,” she muttered, slithering away.
She had been in love with Tom for two hours, and yet somehow, somehow, she was still better at romance than he was.
Honestly.
She deserved a vacation.