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Nerissa stares at the offending book on her bedside table. She approaches it, almost reluctantly, a grimace permanently stuck in her frown at the sight of it. Right.
Ina and Amelia told her about this book they found. Said that she needed to look into it. Said that it detailed something about forbidden knowledge. Said that she… had to be the one that told Shiori about it.
Nerissa doesn’t like it.
Nerissa doesn’t like this at all.
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“Ina?” A soft knock echoes in the open shrine, making the priestess turn around from her table, fruit at hand. It had been a slow day, and for once, the Ancient Ones have been quiet. Quieter, Ina corrects herself, sporting a strained smile as it makes its presence known.
“Nerissa? What brings you here?” The demon’s reluctance tells her enough. Ina turns around again, gesturing for her to come sit with her. “Did you decide on what to do with the book yet?” Nerissa sighs heavily as she sat down. Ina’s flaps twitch at the feeling of their wings brushing, as if the demon was looking for comfort. She lets her be.
“Not at all. What was it again? You weren’t really.. clear on it the first time.”
Ina hums. “Ame found a hidden stash of tomes after following a lead. We, well I, skimmed this particular book, and well.. It detailed things about Ancient Knowledge.” Nerissa flinches. “And a particular page detailed how to reverse it.”
“So what you’re saying is…” Ina looks away, feeling like she was intruding into so much right then and there.
“Potentially, anyway.” Ina offers Nerissa a slice. The demon accepts with shaky hands. “A lot of details in it led me to believe it was a transcript. A copy made to be disseminated to other shrines. The original wasn’t in the stash.”
“What would happen? If she were to..” Ina glances at her, and Nerissa wasn’t looking at her at all. She raises her wing, smaller and lighter against the raven’s jet black feathers. She offers silent solace before she drops the news.
She thinks Nerissa expects it regardless.
“To reverse the effects of knowledge is to remove its source. To extract the knowledge itself.”
“To forget.” Nerissa says it with her. Ina doesn’t know what else to do but offer another slice. Nerissa still takes it.
“And what of her memories contain the knowledge? What of what she held isn’t corrupted by what’s forbidden?” Ina spares her a glimpse.
“So it’s to..”
“To forget. Everything.”
Ina lets Nerissa’s tears fall onto her wings. She’ll wipe them off and preen them another time.
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Shiori’s birthday was coming up. Nerissa didn’t forget. No, sir. She definitely wasn’t in a random store, absentmindedly going through dresses that the archiver might like. The demon may have an eye for sizes, so she won’t need the archiver present to shop for something that fit, but she wasn’t focused.
It weighed on her, the knowledge. She almost laughs to herself in the middle of the store. If this was heavy enough for her, what of Shiori’s infinite archives? What of her?
Nothing felt right. Nothing half-assed felt correct. She wasn’t about to just give Shiori something random because her brain was in shambles. No.
She needed a proper gift.
Yet as she steps home empty handed, she smiles at Fuwawa’s worried look. She laughs weakly at Mococo’s scolding that stops immediately as Shiori stepped into the kitchen. She only looks away as Bijou stopped her in her tracks.
“Nerissa?”
“I know.”
“You didn’t get anything?”
”I couldn’t.” She whispered, weak. She didn’t want to admit it. The gem looks at her worriedly.
“Are you okay?” Bijou hugs her, and Nerissa pats her head gently. She smiles, soft, heavy. Hiding.
“I will be. Don’t worry.”
“Really?” Gods, no. But she can’t, won’t let herself cry in front of Bijou. But Bijou was receptive, was the gem of emotions, for fuck’s sake. She already knows. She just needed to hear it, and hear it from Nerissa, she wasn’t going to.
“Yup.” Fuck, did it come out strained. But Bijou’s arms loosen, the gem lets her go. Nerissa was nothing but stubborn. Bijou knew that full well.
“Okay.”
Nerissa walks to her room, seeing the offending book on her bedside table once more. She could.. she could destroy it… She could ignore the elephant in the room. She could decide not to tell Shiori.
She could…
She could..
No. Nerissa sighs. If it was up to her.. Yet it wasn’t. It wasn’t her decision to make and it scares her more than she wants it to. She trusts Shiori with her life, but what if the life she had before was worth more than what they currently had? What if Shiori was scouring the universe for knowledge to try to go back to how it was before? What if..
What if there was someone waiting for her back there?
Who was Nerissa to stop her?
Distantly, Nerissa hears water droplets. Oh. Her vision is blurry. She holds the book closer to her face, cutting her sobs, her sniffles down to gulps and hiccups. She can’t do it. She can’t do this.
Distantly, she hears a knock on her door. Nerissa opted to stay quiet, knowing she wasn’t in the condition to answer anyone at the door. She sobs, curling into herself, kneeling on her carpeted floor, unable to stand, unable to face anything at the moment.
She doesn’t notice the boots that materialize in front of her. Doesn’t notice who kneels along with her, in front of her. Doesn’t notice the way Shiori held her hands gently, almost phantom like, almost like Nerissa imagined it.
It makes her cry harder.
“Rissa?” Shiori’s voice in her ears has her full body shuddering. She can’t… Not right now.. Not ever. She can’t look at her. She shakes her head. “Rissa, please?”
She drops the book, hurriedly hugging the archiver, holding on tight, as if trying to check she was real, as if trying to see if she’ll disappear if she didn’t hold her tight enough. The pads of her fingers dragged on Shiori’s dress, and Nerissa wails.
Everything be damned.
She wanted Shiori to stay. Needed her to. And she wasn’t the only one but she couldn’t think straight. Too worried, too consumed by the possibility. Too hurt by her own what-ifs that she crumples, melts into Shiori’s arms as her sobs turn into quiet gasps for air.
Shiori notices the book she dropped. Recognizing it for what it was.
“Oh, Rissa..”
“Don’t say it.” Nerissa, with all the strength she could muster, through tears and a throat that closed on her as she spoke, uttered with conviction. With desperation. “Please don’t say it..”
Shiori stays quiet, hands wrapped comfortably around Nerissa’s back, tracing shapes the demon can’t recognize. “Shh… breathe for me, Rissa.”
Her name. Shiori kept saying her name, and it was like a lifeline she held onto. A thread she was hanging unto. “There there. I’m right here.”
Nerissa hides.
“It’s okay.”
“It’s really not.” She says through the tears. She can’t see the frown that curved Shiori’s lips, the creases her brows made in concern. “The bo-” Nerissa hiccups, “Book.”
“What about it?”
“Ina and Ame gave it to me. Th-they said I needed to be the one that tells you about it.” Nerissa holds her tighter. It might have hurt by then, but if it did, Shiori didn’t say anything about it.
“Tell me about it?”
“Noo…” Nerissa whines, tears flowing out her eyes again. “Please no…”
“Why not..?” Shiori’s voice was soft, almost a whisper. Nerissa wouldn’t have heard it if they weren’t as close as they were then.
“You could forget every- everything. They said it could.. could..” Nerissa shakes her head. Her lips were quivering with every word until her voice stopped cooperating.
“Could clean my forbidden knowledge by forgetting it all?” Nerissa nods slowly. Hearing it from Shiori didn’t help. Hearing Shiori know what it held didn’t help.
“And I couldn’t ge- get you a gif-ft because it’s been on my m-mind and and..” Nerissa whines. “I’m sorry for trying to stop you from going. I’m sorry I- I want you to stay. I need you. Shiori, please.”
Nerissa wasn’t above begging. Not for this.
“Rissa.. Hey hey, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re lying to me.” Nerissa mumbles, scared.
“My mama told me not to lie.” A quote Shiori hoped would’ve at least made Nerissa smile. The demon only hiccups.
“You’d be gone by tomorrow.”
“Because it’s my birthday, and I apparently need to leave the house and stay out ‘til they call me back.” Nerissa looks up at her, and Shiori melts at the look of fear, of sorrow, of want in the demon’s eyes. Glassy in a way Shiori wasn’t used to, clouded by doubt. Shiori moves her hand across Nerissa’s back, to her neck, to her face, to wipe her dried tears away, making sure she never stopped making contact in fear Nerissa were to flinch and chase her.
“You’ll come back home, right?”
“Of course.”
“To us?”
“To you.”
Nerissa doesn’t move. Doesn’t dare move. Shiori only looked at her worriedly.
“You’re just saying that..” Shiori sighs, and that’s where this ends. That’s where she stands up, picking up the book to use it. That’s where… That’s where..
Instead, Shiori pulls her up so that their faces were closer. Instead, Shiori breathes deep. “Will me kissing you help?”
”Now you’re just trying to appease me.”
“I’m only asking permission. But yes to that too. Both?” Shiori rambles, and Nerissa hopes. She hopes it was real. “So? I’m not doing anything you don’t want me to, Rissa.” And before Nerissa could even utter a please, gods please, Shiori continues. “That includes leaving. Even if you wanted me to, you’re stuck with me for a long while, my bird.”
“I could never.” Nerissa feels a laugh rise up her throat, and she lets it leave her lips. She watched as Shiori smiled at her, softly, slowly, making sure she was okay.
“So? Want a kiss from yours truly or not?”
“Gods, please.”
It was soft, lingering in the ways that comforted Nerissa the best. She hiccups with Shiori’s lips on hers and she could feel the archiver smile against her, could feel her giggle.
“Rissa.” Nerissa’s eyes were half lidded, swollen from crying, tired. “Nothing could make me give up all of my memories for a sense of normalcy that’s so far away from me.”
“What if.. what if someone’s waiting for you?” Shiori sucks in a breath, and Nerissa worries.
“There is no one.” Nerissa regrets asking. “Not anymore. You don’t have to worry.”
”I’m sorry.”
“Ah-ah, none of that.” Shiori pulls her before she could wallow in the back of her mind. Shiori holds her closer, pulling her as they laid on her floor.
“You aren’t going to..?” Nerissa needed to ask one more time. Shiori only scoffs, playful.
“Nope.”
Silence. One that didn’t hurt both of them in the slightest. “You said you couldn’t prepare a gift, right?”
Nerissa reddens. “Mhm…” Where was Shiori going with this?
“Why don’t you go with me tomorrow then? I need to stay out the house anyway.” Nerissa blinks.
“Are you asking me out on a date, Shiorin?” It didn’t feel real. None of it felt real.
“Don’t make me say it, woman.” Nerissa laughs.
“Of course. I'd go anywhere with you..” Nerissa mumbles. She admits.
“Oh, anywhere huh?”
“As long as you protect me, you can take me anywhere.”
“Nah, you can handle yourself.” And before Nerissa could quip back, Shiori continued. “You're capable, even without me.”
The demon stiffens. “Don't say that.” Nerissa whines as she rubs her cheek against the archiver's, insistent. She only laughs, and the demon doesn't know how to read it.
“Sorry, I won’t, I won’t. Do you.. wanna know about it?” Nerissa hums. They were still on the floor, a heap of limbs and tears that refused to separate. Nerissa didn't want to move.
“About?” Her voice was getting tired now.
“The book.” Frankly, Nerissa didn't want anything to do with it anymore. But she lets her talk, lets her say what she wanted to say. With Shiori's colorful vocabulary, she was a woman of a few words. A woman of action.
Nerissa nods against her.
“Did they tell you the book was from occultists?” Nerissa nods. “A copy to distribute?” She nods again. “Yeah well, the original is with me.”
Nerissa was too tired to provide a more violent reaction than a hum. “You knew..?”
“I did, I did. I found it a long while ago. Just after we escaped.” Nerissa sighs.
“Did you ever… consider it?”
Shiori was quiet, as if she contemplating whether to tell the truth. Her hand travels up to brush through Nerissa's locks, traveling higher to caress her horns gently. As if to prepare the demon for the truth she was going to admit. “I did.”
Nerissa closes her eyes.
“And I was close to choosing to do it.”
Nerissa waits.
“And instead, I chose you girls.” Shiori pulls her closer, impossibly, reassuringly. “I chose you.” The archiver lets her linger, lets her words seep into her mind, make itself known and keep a corner in Nerissa's heart for herself. She doesn't know she already occupies its entirety.
“Now why don't we move to bed? This isn't good for you, Reese.” Ever so caring. Ever so… her.
Nerissa does her best to get up, with Shiori's help. As they settled in, Shiori's warmth along with her sheets and blankets almost puts Nerissa to sleep, her lids heavy from all the weight she had to carry, tired from all the weight she just let go of.
She holds the archiver tightly, loosening as Shiori laughs, winded, soft. “Sleep, Reese. I'm not going anywhere.” Nerissa hums.
“Do I still get to go with you tomorrow..?” Nerissa mumbles, barely conscious. “I want to… spoil you..”
“You're sweet.” Shiori waits until the demon fell asleep, until she was sure Nerissa wasn't going to reply.
She admitted so much in the past hour, and it was all catching up to her. She sucks in a breath, unsure of what tomorrow will bring them. “Sleep well, beautiful,” she whispers.
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She should get rid of those copies. Maybe she can get Watson to destroy them for her. Hm. A proper lead should do the trick.