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The cold pistol sits against my side, pressing its pattern into the skin on my hips. I stole it from the Dauntless armoury not too long ago, though I think they definitely noticed. Fortunately for me, it goes unnoticed here, at the Amity compound. Weapons are forbidden, strictly, but these idiots are still far too trusting. Too naive. Almost everyone outside of this faction, even the holier than thou Abnegation have some sort of hidden agenda. I’m no exception. I don’t trust the majority of my group, and I don’t plan on sticking with them very long anyways. If I wanted to, I could run deeper into the forest right now, and never come back.
“I get mean when I’m nervous, like a bad dog.”
I’ve been snapping at them. Most of the time it’s on purpose, sort of a game I play with myself. Can I get Tris to snap and get herself kicked out of Amity? It’s hilarious, especially when you know exactly what topics are delicate for her. I don’t regret being mean to her, but I regret how it affects her brother. Caleb is my friend. I think. I get strangely nervous around him, sweaty and flustered. It doesn't make sense, because we've done things before; my feelings aren't new. It still shortens my temper, and sometimes I just can’t help myself from yelling or throwing around blame. The remorse kicks in when Caleb’s expression drops. He looks like a kicked dog. It’s sickening.
“I get mean when I’m nervous, like a bad dog.”
As I walk now, past the Amity lake, I think about the chasm. It’s almost a poetic contrast between our factions, between how we live. The river in the chasm is rough, with waves slamming into the rocky walls constantly. The foam on top of the rapids accumulates, making the entire river seem white. The lake here isn’t large, and the area is littered with smaller ponds all around. The water is clear and blue, and families of ducks swim through. The sun reflects off the surface in a way that makes me wish I could paint, if only to memorialize the moment. I wouldn’t mind jumping into the chasm or this lake. Both would be good.
“I want to jump into blue water.”
I miss Dauntless initiation. I miss the thrill of it all. Shooting, running, climbing, fighting, punching, chasing, being chased. Call me an adrenaline junkie, but some of the best fun I’ve ever had happened during initiation. I wonder how things would’ve gone if Jeanine never took over. To be completely honest, I don’t care about the whole Divergent thing, I just care about how it affects me. I would have been a good soldier for Dauntless or not, despite the whole mind control business. I can run, and I can kill. Maybe. I haven’t killed yet. I miss running though, that’s for sure. Maybe I could run for Erudite. Could I kill for Erudite?
“And I miss riding horses, I miss running fast.”
For some reason that thought brings me back to history class. I feel sick to my stomach; history was one of my least favorite classes when I was still in school. I never paid attention, and basically failed. However, there is one unit that comes to mind, conflict. I just barely remember learning about how battles were fought, way back in the past. Soldiers used huge rifles, sea ships, and horses. If I was drafted, I would’ve done anything in my power to be part of the horse army, whatever it’s called. I think that I’d like it. I’ve always wanted to ride a horse, and I pray to no one in particular that in some past life, I did.
“I miss riding horses, I miss running fast.”
I start to feel increasingly sluggish in the warm afternoon air. I don’t like feeling sluggish or tired. I think about running again, and I decide it’s a good idea. If nothing else, it’ll clear my head. My feet start to hit the ground with more urgency as my walking turns to jogging, and my jogging turns to sprinting. The path ahead of me is clear, with trees around, but not in front of me. Wind whistles in my ears, blowing my hair all around my face. I pay it no mind and focus on the burning in my chest instead. When I focus on the burn, I don’t have to focus on my thoughts. I like to run. This is what I was meant to do.
“I was meant for running fast.”
I slow back down to a stroll, spotting a clearing a few feet ahead. I recognize this clearing. I was here just yesterday, walking with Caleb. I stop completely by a tree, resting my hand on the trunk. I remember this fucking tree, almost all too well. I remember those piercing green eyes, staring up at me through long eyelashes. I remember the rough bark under my palms, as I cornered him. His lips tasted of cool mint and coffee, and his hands were warm on my waist. I want to tell Tris badly, only to see her reaction. I'm sure she would lose her shit if she knew about us. I don't actually think there is an us. Sometimes I wish there was. Officially, I mean.
“I pretended you were mine, it made me calm, babe."
One time Caleb told me that I was mean. He said he didn’t have a problem with it, but that I hurt his sister. I can’t always help it. I’m just a mean person. Some people think I'd go far enough to stab someone's eye out. Yeah, right. Truthfully, I enjoy the pain of others. Most of the time at least. I do things just to hurt others and it’s actually fun. It’s the way I’ve always been, and I doubt I could change even if I tried. Would it really be worth it when basically everything about me is built on my cruelty? I don't know who I'd be if I wasn't bad. Would I be someone worth liking, or talking to? I want to be better, because it hurts to be bad. But I won't, because it hurts more to try.
“I am cruel, I am gentle, I can make you laugh."
Besides, Caleb says I don't need to change. He likes me the way I am, which makes me proud. No one's really liked me for me, or just liked me at all. Their loss, I guess. That’s not to say I’ve never had friends or anything. Molly and Drew didn’t mind me, and I’ve had my fair share of hookups and relationships, but never someone close to me. Maybe that’s why I treat Caleb better than I treat most people. He acts like I’m someone worth being around. So I keep returning the favour by being there for him. I console him when he thinks about his dead parents, hold his hand when he and Tris are fighting, and talk his ear off about the dumbest shit I can think of until he’s tearing up and laughing again.
“I am cruel, I am gentle, I can make you laugh. "
I sit down, leaning my back against the tree behind me. The ground is surprisingly dry, considering how strong the rainstorm was just yesterday. I watch dark green leaves drop from trees, swaying in the wind, and gently landing on the ground. Their green is the same as his eyes. I see Caleb in everything and everyone. Everything and everyone I’ve ever loved can be found in him as well. His lips are the same rosy pink shade as my first girlfriend’s, and his hands are as strong as those of my first boyfriend’s. His quiet demeanor reminds me of Drew, but his fierce determination to get things done is pure Molly.
“I’ve loved many boys, I’ve loved many girls.”
Memories that I’ve tried so hard to get rid of start to catch up with me. It's infuriating. I start to remember more details about the people I used to love. She used to put her mascara on before her eyeliner, and it always smudged. I'd wipe it off her temple on the bus and place a kiss there instead. She left me on a crisp, April morning, with the explanation that I wasn’t good for her, and that we had different goals in life. He had freckles all over his face. I tried to count them once, and I just couldn’t. I settled on making and naming constellations on his back. He said I was a dork once, and I didn’t reply. The stars on his skin had me captivated. He left me the next September, with even less of an explanation than her.
“I don’t think about the past, it’s always there anyway.”
I never knew how to hide my feelings from them, never knew how to deceive them. It’s why they both left me, I think. If I didn’t tell them every time that I got mad, if I could hide my horrible thoughts from them, maybe they wouldn’t have stopped liking me. My stupid Candor upbringing has ruined everything good. I still can’t lie. My skills have advanced at least a little bit since I left, I hope. But it’s still so deep in my core, everything I’ve learned. When I lie, I feel like I’m sweating blood and it hurts too much to breathe. The black and white is practically tattooed into my heart, and it starts to burn when I try to forget it was ever there.
“Don’t think about the past, always there anyway.”
At least I’m alive. Candor hasn’t killed me yet. Dauntless didn’t even come close to it. Hopefully, Amity won’t try killing me, but nothing’s guaranteed. I push against the cold ground and stand. With one last look at the lake, I turn around and start walking back to my room. Well, hammock. Grass scratches at my ankles, but I don’t mind. It’s hard to care when the sun is shining onto my face and my heart is beating. I feel so fresh, so young, so alive. I have been alive for 17 years and I am fucking thriving. The closest anyone came to killing me was my own self, not long ago. If I’ve survived everything before then, and since then, then I have to be invincible. I don’t think it’s possible for me to die.
“And I will never die, I will never die.”
I can’t die.
“I will never die, I will never die, I will never die.”
I won’t die.
“I will never die.”
I don’t die.
“I will never die.”
I will never die.
“ I will never die.”
The plan Eric has laid out for me is clear in my mind, even as I relish the rediscovery that I am living. Everything I’ve done, almost, has been with a goal in mind. I know exactly when Dauntless is going to come and invade Amity. I know how many troops they’re sending, I know where they’re coming from, and I know what my role is. I have to give up Tris and Four and Caleb in exchange for my own safety. That’s what was going to happen the whole time, and that’s what is going to happen. But it feels wrong. I have to sacrifice Caleb. I’m not particularly loyal to anyone, or anything, but I care about him. Too much to abandon him.
“I’ve preemptively blocked all the exits.”
As I start to near the fields, I can see him standing around. His hands are on his hips, and he seems tired. He’s not built for labour. Neither am I. The gears start to click in my mind as I leave the forest behind. I wonder how I can spin the invasion in my favour, like I try to do with everything else. Other than my temporary safety, Dauntless has nothing to offer me. So I keep thinking. The grass grows taller and golden as I make my way into the working part of the compound. It scratches in a more irritating way now, and I have to weave between hippies in ridiculous red and orange colours to get to Caleb.
“I’ve preemptively blocked all the exits.”
The final piece of the puzzle is the matter of my own loyalty. I’ve always known I was going to be Dauntless, practically since I knew what factions were. But I can’t force myself to feel anything for it, not anymore. The only thing I care about now is keeping myself and Caleb safe. So I grab him by the shoulder and ask him to talk. When he locks eyes with me, I have to bite my lip to keep myself grounded. If I have to play a part in this faction genocide, I’m going to do it on my own terms. So I warn him. He’s not safe if he doesn’t know about what’s going to happen. I can’t help my smile as he starts to add his own ideas into my initial escape plan. His genius reassures me that we can make it through this. I know I’ll see him on the other side.
“So I will burn this movie theatre, hey.”