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His hands shook the entire time he was getting ready. They were still shaking now as he adjusted the sleeves on his jacket.
Shu Itsuki sat on a couch backstage, trying hard not to hyperventilate. If he did, it would be the third time today he felt like he was choking. Ever since his execution, he would have this experience much more frequently than he did when he was a child. The noise surrounding him didn’t help things. Rubbing his hands on his thighs, Shu looked up to see Kagehira stumbling around the small back room, nervously wringing his hands. Just watching him made Shu more nervous than he already was. His heart pounded against his chest and his stomach dropped. Frowning, Shu wanted to scold Kagehira, admonish him for exuding all his nervous energy out into the air. The words were on the tip of his tongue, about to slip out in an angry, frenzied rush when he realized just what he was about to say. Shame flooded his body as he swallowed the hurtful words. His hands curled into fists on his thighs.
It had been months since Valkyrie’s last performance. Their status as Yumenosaki’s reigning number one unit was long gone. The thought of performing at Yumenosaki after their disastrous Dream Fes performance would send Shu into a panic so for their first performance back they were holding it at a small, underground live house. It was a far cry from the stages they were familiar with but it was as much as Shu could handle right now.
And he could barely handle it to begin with.
They had attempted to perform twice previously but ended up having to cancel because an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety would overtake Shu, to where he would gasp for breath. Today was the one time they made it to the live house without Shu vomiting or feeling like his heart was about to burst out of his chest.
This time he had picked a venue that was far from their school, so the chance of their classmates or anybody from Yumenosaki watching their performance would be slim to none. That decision most likely helped to prevent him from spiraling too much. Despite knowing that no one he knew was here, Shu’s gaze would flick to the door every once in a while, expecting some Yumenosaki students to burst in and start berating him. His body trembled at the thought.
Oh, how far he had fallen.
This was the beginning of a new era. A fresh start, if you will, considering Valkyrie was now a duo instead of a trio.
“Oshi-san.”
Shu looked up to be met with Kagehira’s face, just inches from his own. He jumped, jerking back from the proximity. “Dear god Kagehira, move back!” He shouted. “Don’t you know it’s rude to barge into someone’s personal space without asking? And stop pacing around the room! Just looking at you makes me sick!” The moment he said it, he regretted it. Seeing Kagehira’s face fall made him feel worse. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled before looking back down.
White hot shame once again burrowed its way into Shu once again. Things were supposed to be different. Their unit had obviously changed with Nito’s departure and Kagehira having more of a role in it. Even Kagehira himself had changed. He was still the bumbling fool he always was, yet he stepped up to help Shu when no one else would. He campaigned hard for Valkyrie’s comeback, passionately pouring out his soul to Shu to get him back on his feet. It had worked and now here they were in a small, slightly dingy live house awaiting their turn on the minuscule stage. While Kagehira was moving forward, Shu was slipping into the all too familiar behaviours that led to their downfall. He really hadn’t changed. This was all a mistake. He should have never tried to revive Valkyrie. He should have just let it sink with him in it. It would be better if he just went home, crawled under his blanket and di-
“Oshi-san.”
Shu once again looked at Kagehira. He was smiling at him. He watched as he sat down next to him and took his hand. His hand felt cold compared to his sweaty, warm one. “Oops, sorry. I forgot to ask if it was okay.” He squeezed his hand. “Ya ain’t sayin’ anythin’ so I think yer okay with it.”
There was a moment of silence before Kagehira spoke again.
“I know yer nervous ‘bout performin’ again. I am too! There ain’t that many people out there, I checked so I think we’ll be fine.”
“I’ll be right next to ya the entire time. You wouldn’t be goin’ up there alone. And if anything happens then I’ll think of something to cover ya!” The grip on Shu’s hand tightened and Kagehira moved in closer, his eyes sparkling with delight. “Yer amazin’ and the world needs ta see yer art and I’ll do anythin’ to make ‘em see it!”
Shu stared at their joined hands. He still couldn’t understand why Kagehira stayed. The boy could be flourishing by now in a new unit or even as a solo artist if he so wished. Throughout those months of depression and isolation he had told Kaeghira he was free to leave him several times. And each time Kagehira would refuse, saying his place was with ‘Oshi-san’. If he was Kagehira, he would have left a long time ago. The boy was strange, no doubt having a few screws loose or as Kagehira liked to say “having dropped his brain somewhere.”
While Kagehira sticking around was a bit of a nuisance, Shu felt an overwhelming sense of affection towards him. If it wasn’t for Kagehira’s persistence, his presence, his light in his dark world, Shu was sure he would be six feet under by now. Kagehira believed he was worth something. No matter how many times he looked, how many times he thought about it, Shu couldn’t fathom what about himself made Kagehira want to stay.
“Ngah, I want ya ta believe in yerself, Oshi-san.” He squeezed Shu’s hand again. “I know the past few months have been hard but ya made a lot of progress! I’m really proud of ya.” Kagehira’s smile was soft and full of tender warmth that made Shu forget about his nervousness for just a moment. When was the last time he was looked at like this? He couldn’t remember. It felt nice. As quick as the moment was, it disappeared when Kagehira jumped up. “Oh! It’s time to get on stage so we should get movin’!” He moved over to the large, heavy looking black door and turned to Shu again. “I’m glad we’re performin’ again. I kinda missed it. I miss watchin’ you on the stage. Yer real pretty and stunnin’ up there. I know yer not feelin’ the greatest but I believe you’ll do great! Ya always push through even when people tell ya no. I truly believe in ya!”
Despite the little pep talk, the desire to run home and hide underneath his blanket with Mademoiselle was overwhelming. But Kagehira believed in him and Valkyrie. He believed they could repair their reputation, that they could rise from the ashes.
“Like a phoenix!” Kagehira had once said when he was comforting him through the night. “This’ll be a new chapter in Valkyrie’s story!”
Shu wasn’t as majestic as a phoenix. He wasn’t a powerful being who can enamour the masses. He was just a human trying to hide his insecurities with false bravado. Who would love that?
Closing his eyes, Shu took a deep breath before standing and walking over to where his partner stood. Kagehira was waiting by the stage door, bouncing from foot to foot. While the smile he wore was shaky, it grew bigger as Shu approached him.
Well, he still had one stubborn follower.
Facing the door, the empty feeling in his stomach grew, feeling like he had a great big chasm inside of him. He took one more quick glance at the boy next to him, noticing the minor tremors in his hands as he wrung them. The makeup Shu had put on his face covered the eye bags. They had been a permanent fixture underneath his eyes for several months, mirroring the ones Shu wore underneath his own eyes. Between Kagehira taking care of him, attending school and all his part-time jobs, it was no surprise he was exhausted. Yet here he stood beside Shu, ready to support him. Another pang of guilt stabbed him. Here he was being selfish again, letting Kagehira run himself ragged just to help him out. He faced the door again and took a deep breath. As Kagehira went to open the door, he took another deep breath. Shu still didn't feel all too confident about this but for Kagehira…he’d try. It was the least he could do as repayment for all he’s done for him.
It’s what he deserved.