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I had said it casually as we stared at the stars together in the darkness, just loud enough for Jean to hear me. But with the way he flinched, and his sudden hiss of breath, it could’ve been as if I yelled it at him in the midst of a fist fight. Jean’s hand touched mine, calloused and cold, and I had to ignore the immediate response of wanting to jerk away. He was always a fucking popsicle, and being on top of Wall Sina in the middle of the night only made him colder. I couldn’t help but feel bad about dragging him out here so late. Jean should be safe and warm in the barracks with the rest of our troops, waiting to head out on the next expedition, not up on this stupid wall with me. Eren Jaeger: A soldier, a titan shifter, but most importantly, a monster.
“Eren no,” Jean’s voice whispered in the dark, his hand gripping mine even harder, “You aren’t a monster.” I let out a dull snort at that: I’m a titan shifter, only half human at best. I’m a monster. Jean really couldn’t deny that. It was part and parcel with who I am now. Humanity’s hope and all that jazz, but official orders were that I’d have to be put down if I couldn’t control my titan form. Jean tugged at my hand to pull me closer, until I was practically in his lap; possibly a ploy to take advantage of my stupidly excessive heat. “If I were a shifter,” Jean continued, his voice rumbling against my back as he leaned his head on my shoulder, “Would you think of me as a monster?”
“No!” I shouted immediately, much louder than the dark really called for. Jean could never be a monster. He may be many things, a leader in the making, the best 3DMG user in existence, and a jerk sometimes, but he could never be a monster. He clung onto his morals and humanity too tightly. But me...I wasn’t so sure about myself. Jean chuckled, his breath ghosting against the back of my neck (which had recently started being super sensitive, causing me to shiver).
“If you couldn’t see me as being a monster, then does it make sense to you how I can’t see you as a monster?” He asked, breathing the question against my ear and making me squirm. I don’t know how to explain the difference to him though. Jean’s always had his morals and humanity; I’ve wanted to destroy titans since I was ten, which is basically murder, right? Hell, I haven’t been fully human since my dad...I frowned, shaking my head at Jean.
“You and I...We’ve always been different,” I started slowly, trying to explain. “You...You never wanted to get anywhere near the titans...And even if you are a horsefaced loser-” I was forced to stop as Jean started tickling me at that, and I tried to squirm away, unable to stop the laughter bubbling out of my throat. “E-even if you are a horsefaced loser, you’ve always stuck to what you felt was right.” I spluttered out around small giggles that almost wouldn’t stop even after Jean’s fingers stopped attacking my ribs. We were both quiet for a moment, and I figured Jean was looking up at the stars again as I leaned forward to try and get off of his lap without jostling him too much.
Before I could continue with my reasoning or my attempts to leave his lap, one of Jean’s arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me flush against his chest. “You stubborn, suicidal bastard,” Jean started, fondness dripping from his shit-sweet words, “You’re more of a loser than me.” He laughed slightly, the movement from his laughter jostling me slightly as he tightened the loose grip his left hand had had on my waist. “But since you’re being a sappy idiot, I guess I will be too,” Jean grumbled into my shoulder, trailing delicate kisses up onto my neck as I shivered.
“You make a huge deal about how I always stick to what feels right, but you do the same thing. You’ve been gunning for those titan assholes since before I met you, and nothing’s stopped you. Fucking hell, you were eaten and you still came back and kicked titan ass. You were held by the MP for being a shifter, and you still joined the Survey Corps like you said you would, because it felt right to you. You’ve been following your guts for a lot longer than I have…” Jean trailed off, the last of his words ghosting against my ear, apparently not knowing where he was going with his little rant either. Eventually, after we had been quietly sitting still for so long even I was starting to get chilled, and the sun was beginning to rise, Jean continued. “So...As long as you’re doing what you feel is right, you’re not a monster. You’re just Eren Jaeger, given a shit hand in life and doing the best with what he has, okay?” His words were whispered, as if breaking the silence of the morning dawning around us was unforgivable. But there were the slight noises of Garrison troops getting ready to patrol the wall, and our time up here was over. We’d probably get into trouble if they saw us and had to chase us down.
Wordlessly we untangled, Jean rolling to his feet easily while I paused to watch the sky turn pink and gold. Apparently I wasn’t moving fast enough for Jean, as he made a little tch noise like Captain Levi before dragging me to my feet. “Neither of us are monsters, but tomorrow we’ll be on our way to go fight monsters.” Jean mumbled, rubbing at his eyes sleepily. I almost didn’t have the heart to tell him that we’d be leaving today, in about two hours, so instead I just held his hand tighter as we hurried off the wall.