Work Text:
Hello? [taps mic] Is this on? Florida doesn't look like he can hear- oh, yes, I see, everyone can hear and Florida is being Florida. Ahem. Right. [clears his throat, looks down at his papers, and tries to get them in order]
I've had some complaints lately that certain states don't seem to think their requests are being addressed. In fact, I address every request during the meetings, but there are a lot of seats at the Table, and usually only five or so of the states can hear (and are actively listening) as I go through the suggestions. The "proposed laws," as they were, though I have to make it very clear that these are usually written in crayons or colored pencils on scraps of paper, and very rarely see the inside of the White House. Even so, every suggestion is seen by yours truly, and it's important for you all to feel like you're being listened to.
Starting now, I will address every suggestion publicly, every other day, in announcements at the front of the Statehouse as all of the states are coming in for the day. This is a big change, and I have high hopes that it will help the morale of the states. Especially you, Midwest. That's right, I remember you're here.
[He starts to retreat from the stage, but Florida jumps forward and stands on his toes to say something to him. He frowns, and shakes his head, but Florida nods enthusiastically and says something else. With a dramatic sigh, Gov returns to the mic.]
The first proposed law- these are submitted anonymously, I will have you know, so it's impossible to say who proposed this particular law- is to allow pets into the building. To which I say, absolutely not. We've already learned our lesson about alligators- excuse me, pets in the building.
If you have an idea, or even if you don't have an idea, the suggestion box is located outside of my office.
[Before Gov even steps off the stage, the states who had been meandering around the lawn of the Statehouse started to rush into the building. Gov shook his head, paused to scold Florida, then pushed through the crowd to get inside.]
--
Hello again. I must say, I am… surprised by the enthusiastic response to this new system. To put it nicely, many of you have been lackluster about social and political issues during meetings at the Table. I'm glad that this system is causing some of you to take a renewed interest, and I'm excited to hear what you all have to say. [He sounds neither glad nor excited, but he forces a smile.] So, let's jump right in.
[The suggestion box is at his feet, and he leans down to pick one paper out of it. He unfolds the paper, and stares at it for a long moment.] I think I'm going to skip this one. [The crowd as a whole boos, and Florida and California as individuals heckle him- shouting "coward" and "unconstitutional," respectively.] Fine, fine. I said I would read them all out loud, so I guess I owe it to you to follow through on that promise. See, I'm good at following through with promises. Though I will remind you that this is a privilege, not a right, and if the suggestions aren't constructive or the crowd is too rowdy, I reserve the ability to revert to our old system. That is, where the meetings are the only opportunity you have to share new ideas. Not that many of you took that opportunity. Yes, yes, I'm getting to it. [This last sentence in response to several states yelling at him to read the paper he stills holds.]
The first proposed law reads "suck it." [He has to wait for a long few moments for the crowd to stop cheering.] I can take this system away from you, you know, anytime I want. If you abuse the platform I'm giving you, then maybe you don't deserve it. I don't have to listen to your ideas. [With a sigh, he picks up another paper.]
The second proposed law is, "the government has to listen to our ideas." Ok, you can't just- you can't just say that! I can't listen to your ideas if you never give me ideas! Quiet down, won't you? Stop laughing!
Third: "ban dancing." What is this, Footloose? Was that you, New York? Right, right, this is anonymous. Don't worry, everyone, this is an anonymous system. Though keep in mind that I know a lot of people, and a lot of those people know how to analyze handwriting if need be.
The fourth is printed. Hmm. "Give Loui a pe- peed stool." That's not how you spell pedestal, Fl- anonymous suggester! Though if that's all you're asking for, then I'm sure we can have something arranged. That's not nearly as bad as it could have been.
Fifth is- oh. No, I don't think I'm allowed to read this out loud. I think HR will come after me. But you misspelled "octopus," Fl- anonymous suggester.
The sixth reads, "don't start a trade war with the longest lasting allies we've ever had."
You know what? I think this is a good place to stop for today. The suggestion box will stay where it is, but be mindful of what you put in there. This could be a good system if you let it be.
--
I suppose we should jump right into it, right? There's been quite a build up of suggestions. I might have to skip some. For time reasons, and no other reason, at all. If I open a paper and throw it aside, rest assured, I'm thinking only of your valuable time and how much I don't want to waste it. Doesn't it suck when your time is wasted? I know I get upset when my time is wasted. Granted, you all are the main source of that waste, but-
What? Yes, I'm doing it! I might have to ban heckling. Here's a good way to make sure your suggestion is listened to- write "ban heckling."
[He goes through the box, and has to set aside seven papers before finally reading one aloud.] Ah, finally. Here's a good one. "Let us bring permanent markers to the Table." As you all may remember, we recently banned permanent markers due to unfortunate circumstances relating to, well, male genitalia. Anyhow, this is a good suggestion because it has a very easy answer: No.
This one says "fix the elevator that leads to the Table." Yes, I know it's been finicky lately, but there's no need to whine about it. You can all take the stairs, can't you? Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, South Dakota. I'll get that elevator fixed right away.
Ahem. Moving on. Next is, "ban Ohio from the Table." Mich- anonymous suggester, you can't just ban a whole state from the Table! [He picks up and looks at the next one, and sighs.] And neither can you, Oklahoma! Sorry, this is anonymous. Yes, it is anonymous, so stop, all of you. From now on, you're not allowed to name any other state in your suggestions.
[He has to go through several more papers before reaching another one that he reads out loud.] "Bring back the trampoline in the Statehouse." No. I'm not risking another lawsuit- even though that wasn't my fault.
"Put a snack bar in the Statehouse." Why would I do that? What did you say? Morale? Huh. That's an interesting point. Yes, you are certainly suggesting some fascinating things. Morale is very important. [The crowd seems to like this, but when California yells "Does that mean you'll give us the snack bar?" Gov does not respond.]
[He digs through the box for a while.] Alright, one more. Time constraints, you see. This one says, "stop giving aid to Isr-" Alright, can you stop giving suggestions like this? We're not trying to start riots in front of the Statehouse! No, California, I'm not going to respond to this one!
[as he packs up and starts to go] God, this was a bad idea.
--
[Gov leaps up onto the stage with much more enthusiasm than the past three announcements.] I'll be honest with you all, I've been looking forward to sharing this one. I skimmed through a few of the announcements, just to cut down on the delay between when I get up here and when I start reading the announcements. There were some good ideas in there, once I took the time to dig through it all. Diamonds in the shi- rough, that is. I'm getting to it! Haven't any of you heard of patience?
"Ban PDA at the Table." Now this is a good one. I might seriously consider this one. [in response to a few shouts from the crowd] Yes, of course I consider all of your suggestions! That's what the suggestions box is for! [He leans down as he speaks, his eyes still on the person in the crowd who had shouted, and he doesn't notice that when he reaches for a paper, he gets it not from the box at his feet, but from Florida, standing on his toes to put a paper in Gov's scrambling fingers.]
Alright. This one says "Give Loui a pede-" Oh, good job, you spelled it right this time. You can't repeat suggestions! How did this even get in the- [This time, when he leans down, he sees Florida holding up a paper, and he swats the paper out of his hand.] You're so immature. Can't you stop?
[He picks up a paper from the box and clears his throat, then flips it over, and flips it over again.] This is blank.
[He picks up another paper.] This just reads "corn." What? Do you want me to ban corn? To make it a policy? What do you want?
Why does this one just say "politics"?! I told Greg to go through these!
[in response to the crowd] What did you say? Are you telling me that- that you all changed out every individual paper in the box as I was going through the crowd to the stage? How did you even- Florida, you organized this?! How?! This is more complex and nuanced than all of your state government policies combined!
Fine! If I can't get suggestions from the box, then I'll take suggestions from the crowd! [At once, states in the crowd begin to shout out ideas- "lower egg prices," "stop letting bigots make laws," "get someone on the Supreme Court who wouldn't apply for a senior discount," and so on and so forth. He tries to wave his arms to silence them, but it does not work. He has to shout to be heard over them.] You know what?! This is it! I'm done! Forget the suggestions, forget the announcements, forget this! We're going back to the old system! If you want to propose a law, then bring it up in the meetings. [The crowd has a very lukewarm reaction to this. Almost as if they were expecting it, sooner or later.]
[As he steps off the stage, he mutters to himself, barely loud enough for the mic to pick it up.] All I wanted was some silly ideas about changing the color of the Statehouse or something, but no….
[The crowd disperses, gradually, as more and more states go in to get to their meetings and such. Florida, however, creeps forward to grab the suggestions box that was left on the stage. He reaches in, and slowly, carefully removes a snake, murmurs to it for a few moments, and lets it go.]