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“Ma! Sid!” I yell out. I look at one of Chance's girls who looks about eight years old. I realize that she’s just a few years younger than Sid, Louella or Lou Lou and that I failed to destroy Hunger Games and she might have to take part in them in a few years. I can worry about that later, I ask her instead, “where are they? Where is my family?”
The girl looks at the house then at me. She seems scared, she shakes her head and shows in the direction of the burning down house but I can see that she just wants to give an answer, she doesn’t know.
I hesitate and for a moment almost wish I was still at the arena in those fireproof clothes. I could surely use one of those right now. But I know that everything I’ve done in the last few weeks has been partly with my Ma and Sid in thoughts. Maybe I won’t be able to help Lenore Dove with the Peacekeepers, maybe she is already dead or will be, if they live but I know that I have to do it. I recall my readiness to die at the arena and I know what I want to do. And since I survived all of that against myself, Snow and all the odds, I might as well try now.
I make a decision and with “Ma! Sid!” I walk into the house. But as I cross the threshold, a hand grabs me and pulls me back. My slippery shoes allow the person to drag me and knock me down. I can feel four people, each keeping one of my limbs down and recognize Burdock on my chest.
I keep yelling, “Let me go! I have to-”
But Burdock puts his hand on my mouth, “Cayson got them out. Asterid is taking care of their wounds right now.”
I bite his hand and then it dawns on me what he has just said. I look around but I don’t see them anywhere. But I notice Blair kneeling on my right hand.
“They got out,” he repeats. “Do you understand?”
I blink a few times and then finally realize that maybe Snow didn’t win after all. Maybe the President wanted me to walk into the fire and die, I don’t know, it doesn’t matter right now. I understand how lucky I was that Burdock has stopped me at the last possible moment. I nod and whisper, “let me go. I need to see them.”
Burdock and Blair exchange glances and finally the former one nods at all the others. They stand up and my best friends help me up and then lead me to McCoys' house. I hesitate at the threshold struggling to walk in. I feel like I should tell them about Louella, Lou Lou, about the coffins at the station and so much more but I swallow all that. They are fighting with the fire anyway. And I’m not sure I could talk about any of that yet.
I walk just a few steps inside and at the table I see them. They are alive. I gasp. And it's enough to draw Sid’s attention. I notice his arms are bandaged but nothing more as I’m already engulfed in a hug with an enthusiastic, “Haymitch!” I hug him tightly, finally. For a long time I thought I would never be able to do that again.
Then Ma also joins in and she whispers, “I’m so glad you’re alive, Haymitch. I’m proud of you.” I can see some burns on her face but right now I’m just happy she’s alive. And that I didn’t foolishly walk into that fire and my own death.
We finally let go of each other and I tousle Sid’s hair. I try to take it all in. I made it, my family is safe, the only thing that could make this moment better is my girlfriend.
“I’m happy you survived, Haymitch,” Ma says smiling at me.
Survive. That’s a good word. Because I don’t feel like a winner or a victor and I doubt I ever will. But I can be a survivor. I don’t have one of the dictionaries that Lenore Dove likes but I think I prefer that word. It suggests that I made it out alive out of a terrible place and lived when others died, that I suffered but now that’s over. And most importantly it takes away the word ‘victor’ that I despise. I don't feel like a winner. Maybe people like Silka or Panache could but what did I win exactly? Nothing. I just survived the longest and I made it out of the Capitol. It wasn’t even a competition to begin with, just a cruel show for the brainless masses in the Capitol and a thing to terrorize and punish the Districts.
***
About an hour later Ma, Sid, Burdock, Blair and I go to the Victors’ Village. My friends help us walk as I’m still weak and convalescing and my family members are a bit injured. I think about how now I will never escape the cameras and microphones but after our house has burned down I have no other option. I briefly wonder if that was Snow’s plan. I know that I’d rather live here than other people’s houses. I need a bit of solitary and time to make sense of everything that has happened and try to heal. I can’t face McCoys, Donners, Callows or any others, not yet. I know that I will have to, I owe it to both the tributes and their families but for now we just need to grieve and feel, talking and explaining can come later. Luckily all my closest ones seem to understand that and we just enjoy each other’s company.
We explore the house a bit but leave most of it for tomorrow. Although I got used to Capitol’s standard, the rest have never experienced that. And now the simplest things like lamps, hot water in the tap or soft beds excite them but I’m thankful they try not to show it. I think they see the hatred I have for the place and they respect it.
***
I wake up just in time for the beginning of the sunrise, when the colors overtake the sky but the sun isn’t visible yet and it reminds me of Lenore Dove who I have not seen since I came back. I have to at least go and see if they have let her out yet or if there is anything I can do to help. I peek into the other rooms but all four of my companions are sleeping. I smile because maybe I am in a house given to me by the Capitol but at least some of my closest people are alive and safe. I decide that I have to check on my girlfriend now so I sneak out hoping that everything will still be alright once I get back.
I walk fast and soon enough I reach the Covey’s house. The sun is still rising but now it is blinding me because most of it is visible. But to my utter happiness I hear three voices arguing. One of them belongs to my girlfriend. I sigh in relief and then approach them. I can finally see them. Lenore Dove is surrounded by her geese and I can guess that she wanted to take them to the Meadow. The two men are standing with their backs to me but I recognize them as her uncles.
Finally Lenore Dove notices me and she omits the adults and runs towards me, “Haymitch!”
I engulf her in a hug. We spin around while laughing carefree and when we stop, we finally kiss. Then I notice her uncles staring at us. Tam Amber is smiling slightly and Clerk Carmine to my utter surprise just sighs and says, “she’s on house arrest and grounded. You have five minutes then she’s back for breakfast and then her room. We will see about the next days based on her behavior today.”
I smile and nod. I understand that he just wants her safe and I wholeheartedly agree.
Tam Amber adds, “it’s good to see you alive.” And they both walk inside.
“I love you like all-fire,” I say instantly, so glad I have a chance to do that.
She repeats it back to me and we take a short walk around the Meadow with the geese following us. Every once in a while they attack Lenore Dove, though with fondness, and me with hatred. I know that I’m disturbing them on their first day with her but she is also the love of my life and I haven't seen her since my birthday.
We take a bit of a break near the tree to kiss. I wonder if she realized that I got tired after the walk here and around the Meadow or just wanted to do that without the feel of her uncles’ eyes on us but I welcome it either way.
“I was afraid I would never see you again,” I confess once we part, our foreheads still touching.
“I thought we agreed that we would see each other in the next life then,” she smirks.
I smile at her fondly and kiss her briefly, elated that I get to do that again. Then once we pull away, I say, “naturally. I would have found you in every life and universe.”
She wants to say something back but we hear Clerk Carmine calling out her name. So instead we start to slowly walk towards the house. We hope to have more time together in the future and neither one of us wants to irritate her uncle any further.
She grumbles, “I have house arrest and am grounded.”
I smile either way, “but at least you’re alive and safe.”
She looks at me intently. I realize that she probably understands that my time away has changed me. I hold my breath. She wouldn’t stop loving me now, would she? But I know that I struggle to accept myself and I was subconsciously awaiting that one person to call me out on what I had done, what I failed at and everything else. But before I can spiral too much she says, “I will try to convince them to at least let you spend time in the house with me, if I can’t leave it. Or maybe at the very least when Clerk Carmine is out.”
“I will try every day,” I promise. “Even if I can only see you through the window, it will still be better than nothing.”
“I love you like all-fire,” she responds and kisses me. And I realize that we’ve almost reached the house and it's goodbye. She pulls back when we hear the clearing of a throat. She heads towards the door with Clerk Carmine waiting there.
“I love you like all-fire,” I say and she turns around and blows me a kiss and then walks inside.
I don’t wait below her window yet as I know they will be eating breakfast and I want to go back to my family and friends to make sure they are okay.
I walk back towards Victor's Village and for once I’m not drowning in memories from the last weeks. I think about my closest ones and how happy I am to be back in District Twelve. I know that I still have the Victory Tour but for now I’m enjoying my current life.
And then it hits me. I understand now. Had Snow killed Lenore Dove, Ma, Sid or anyone else, I would have continued being a rebel. A broken, desperate, with nothing to lose rebel. But now… now he has gained the most, not loyal that definitely not, but the most obedient Victor. I won’t join the rebels, at least not that openly ever again. I don’t want to fear for my closest people and their lives, let alone live in a world where I had, even indirectly, caused their deaths. I don't know how he sees it but I wouldn’t say that the President won. I would call it a tie. Now I’m forced to play along but I get to do it with my loved ones alive and relatively safe. I doubt he can actually understand how much that means to me because I know he would try to destroy it, if he did. But I’m thankful for his lack of understanding and promise to do everything I can to keep Lenore Dove, Ma, Sid and everyone safe. Because I disagree with that song, there are people that are worth keeping and I don’t intend to let anyone take them from me.