Work Text:
“Hey Damon.”
“What?”
“What would you do if you weren't in this killing game?”
. ݁₊ ⟡ ݁₊ .
It had been a few days since the first real class trial, and to say it was affecting everyone was an understatement.
Most of us barely left their rooms, and the few that managed to do so, could only last so long outside.
It was a horrible sight, most couldn't eat, or do any chores for that matter, but it proved a point Damon kept insisting:
You can't trust anyone.
Oh, did Damon regret this.
He couldn't even understand this properly, he and Eva were barely friends, acquaintances at best and strangers at worst, so why?
Why did it hurt so much?
Why couldn't he stop crying? Why couldn't him forget the smell of smoke, the screams, the fire, her face?
It was coming to her, it was obvious. This is the punishment she would get for killing Wolfgang.
And yet...
He knew it wouldn't take long for someone to succumb and kill one of his classmates, Tozu wouldn't allow this peace to go for long, but no one expected such a cruel fate.
He shouldn't be feeling sad, oh no he shouldn't! Eva pulled every string she could to twist the blame onto him, how could he even feel something akin to remorse?
It was her fault anyways, she went with her stupid plan of lying about her ultimate only to get exposed not long after, she was an hypocrite from start to finish, she could've had the friends she so wanted if she wasn't blinded by petty feelings. She was a coward, and a very stupid one.
But Damon was worse, because he cared. He kept insisting that it was the right thing to do, but was it? Was it truly the right thing he should've done...?
Couldn't there be another, a third way of solving this? One, that maybe, wouldn't be as cruel...? One, that wouldn't hurt so badly?
Was there even a right way anyway?
What was right or wrong here?
What should he do? Was it even worth fighting when he could die at any time?
He could never know if he would wake up without an body discovery announcement.
No one even appreciated his efforts, he saved them from their death by reevaluating the case enough, and yet-
"Damon, are you there...?"
Huh?
The influencer was outside Damon's dorm door for a while, but he couldn't listen over all the sobbing, it seems.
Damon had left straight for his room after the trial, he didn't even think of waiting around for anyone.
It's not like he was in the wrong, he just wanted some time alone, to process everything, and being around Kai, around anyone for that matter, would just make him worse.
How has he been holding up?
Damon wondered, Kai couldn't even sleep alone, how could he be so eager to go after someone? Let alone to even get up?
He knew it was a risk being alone, with his unlocked door, around potential murders, especially for so much time. But, should he even go back? To the comfort he so long seeks?
He could never learn. Damon told everyone the dangers of trusting others, but trusted Eva without any second thoughts, and it pained every second he thought of how little she smiled, but how pretty she looked doing so.
How can he even think of trusting another when he got betrayed? It could've been him running away from the furnace, the one to be stabbed by many nails and school materials, the one to scream for his life at his last seconds before being consumed by the fire.
He doesn't deserve any type of comfort. This is a killing game, one which such feelings could make or break his entire survival chance.
No matter how much he craves this kindness, he is in no place to accept this. He can't accept it.
But then again...
"Dude, it's all dark in here, are you there? I can't be here for long."
Oh, right, Kai.
Should he answer? What could he even say in this situation?
Damon's tired. He's tired of crying, of thinking about the "what if" and he's tired of being alone.
He probably looks like shit, but he doesn't care anymore.
Just for this night.
He will go with Kai, and sleep in his dorm just this once.
He wouldn't forgive himself if he refused to and the other one woke up dead the next day.
What would he do if Kai died? He will probably think about it later, right now, he just wants to be able to sleep again.
Getting up, he goes for the doorknob and opens his door.
"Oh dude you sc- Oh." Kai flinched as he saw Damon. Did he really look that bad?
"Let's go." Damon started walking away from his dorm and in the direction of Kai's instead.
"Wh- Wait for me!"
He did not, in fact, wait for Kai.
Opening the dorm was almost a pink flashbang, since everything was really dark, he didn't expect for the room's light to be on, and god, was it a blinding sight.
But this wasn't important, he missed being here so much, it was almost a way to ignore everything, to act like nothing really ever happened, that everything is normal.
He climbed onto the bed and sat while he waited for Kai to arrive. He didn't want to sleep just yet.
"Dude, why the fuck did you leave me behind in the dark? You know I'm scared!" Ah, there it is, the whining crybaby.
"...Turn off the lights."
"Y- Fine." He reached for the lightswitch and turned it off. Much better now. "You're such a dick, do you know that?"
Damon layed down and covered himself with the sheets. He didn't really plan ahead of himself, and he has no effort to retaliate Kai's insults.
Speaking of the other, he was laying by his side now, not daring to say a word. Should they even speak at all? There was just too much to ask but so little place. Maybe they could just spend the night exactly like that, just laying by each other's side, drifting to sleep in an uncomfortable silence.
.
Ok, they can't do this.
It went like that for a good while. They should've been sleeping by now, but it was almost impossible, the tension was too unbearable. Someone should say something, anything-
"Psst, Damon, are you still awake...?" It was a barely audible whisper, but Damon catched it. He turned over, now looking at the other.
"What do you want."
"Whoa, chill out, I didn't mean to wake you up, I'm sorry!" Kai shaked his hands in front of his face.
"...I wasn't sleeping." He admitted, it was quite embarrassing.
"Oh, so you're having trouble sleeping too?" Kai looked at him, interested.
"I never said that."
"Then why would you even be awake?"
"Because I want to."
"Why are you lying about being awake? You're so petty for no reason!"
"No." Damon smiled under the sheet that covered half his face, this was fun.
"What do you mean 'no'?! Gosh, you're insufferable!" Kai jumped, sitting in his bed. Did Damon come over here just to annoy him?
The light was very dim, Damon could barely make up any shapes, but he focused enough to see the other pouting, it was a good look on him. Huh?
It wasn't his plan, but he sure missed this stupid banter, he missed having to put up with the other's antics.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"Oh, right, uh..."
"Hm?"
"Hey Damon."
"What?"
"What would you do if you weren't in this killing game?"
"Did you really wake me up to ask that?"
"You were already awake! And now you're just avoiding the answer! ...Probably you didn't even had a plan B!" Kai crossed his arms, if Damon wanted to annoy him, he would let him know that two can play this game.
"Wh- Y- That's a ridiculous assumption! I did have another plan if I didn't come to Eden's Garden!" Damon sat on the bed as well.
"And what would it be, oh Ultimate Debater ?" A smirk spread across the influencer's face.
"Shut up. I'd just keep participating in debates like I already do, that's obvious."
"And boring! Like, do you do anything other than debate?"
"Why would I? I'm sure you would also just do your 'influencer things'."
"I wou- Actually no, yeah, I'd really just keep posting content if I didn't get into the UTP." Kai grumbled.
"Why did you ask that, anyways?"
Kai shifted in the bed, a bit distraught by the sudden question. "Oh, uhm, I was just thinking about, well...you know, that." He fiddled with his rings.
Oh.
Well, this is awkward. Kai didn't even think when he said that, it just slipped of his tongue, but can you blame him?
He has been craving for someone to talk with, to cry alongside him, someone that could understand his pain too.
Everyone processes grief differently, and Kai just wanted someone to hold him close and tell that everything would be okay. Is that bad?
But this was such a terrible timing.
God, it was even the worst person! Out of everyone, Damon was the least qualified person to this for all the wrong reasons! Just the state he found Damon was enough to prove this.
He wants to bury his head in the sand forever.
"I'm sorry, let's not... talk about it." Kai chimmed after a few minutes. "I didn't mean to-"
"No. We will talk about it." Damon interrupted, his demeanor changed alongside with his tone, dropping by each word. "I wanna know how can you be so eager, so... cheerful after seeing someone be incinerated right before your eyes."
"Cheerful? I haven't been like that for days! All I've been thinking about is how if I was nicer with Eva, maybe this whole situation could've been avoided!" While Damon's voice was low, Kai's voice was getting higher, more desperate.
"It wouldn't have been avoided because someone would still die! It was just a matter of time before one of us got killed but no one believed me!
You guys keep playing this game of kindness, acting as if you guys are the nicest people on earth, then go about and exclude people when they don't follow with your stupidity!" Damon shouted.
Kai hated arguing, and it was just his luck to argue with a fucking debater.
"I didn't exclude you! It was Wolfgang!"
"But you didn't retaliate. That's the problem, acting as if you care now but when it happened you didn't do shit to defend us." Damon looked Kai in his eyes.
This was bad.
"ACK! Why are you so mad?! Maybe I shouldn't have brought you here if I knew you would be so angry with me!" It took everything for Kai's voice not falter in this moment, but his teary eyes and trembling nature gave it away.
"Why did you even call me to come here anyways? You can't be so selfish to the point of not letting someone grieve because you're 'scared of sleeping alone'." Damon scoffed. This was mean, but necessary in a sense.
Damon couldn't let himself get attached to anyone, not anymore. Coming over was a stupid idea, he couldn't sleep and now he is arguing with someone who can't even talk without crying, great.
"Because I trust you, okay?!" Kai exploded, not containing his tears properly as a consequence of being under pressure.
What.
"What did you just say."
"Ugh, are you fucking deaf? I just said I trust- GAH!"
In a blink of an eye, Damon was on top of Kai, holding his arms down with his legs by each side.
"Dude?! You're-"
"She said the same thing. She looked me in the eyes and said she trusted me. And look at wHAT HAPPENED!" He spluttered .
Damon's grip tightened around Kai's arms, pressing him down more and more.
"Get off-" Kai struggled, but Damon kept him in place.
"SHE TRUSTED ME. SHE TRUSTED ME AND I KILLED HER. I MADE EVERYONE VOTE FOR HER AND SHE DIED."
"That's not-"
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN? YOU JUST WANT TO TORTURE ME TOO! HOW DARE YOU?! YOU DO NOT TRUST ME. YOU CAN'T TRUST ME."
"Cut it out!-" As Kai kept moving, something wet touched his face, and he finally looked at Damon. He was crying, in a desperate state, his hair was messier, his face was in a mix of sweat and tears, it didn't even resemble the debater.
"HOW CAN YOU TRUST ME? IF I HAD A KNIFE, I COULD KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! ...Would you still trust me then? If I killed someone?"
"But you won't. You didn't kill me." Kai asserted.
"Please... Don't do this with me..." Damon's grip faltered as he started trembling, his breathing hitched and he tried holding up for a bit longer but his arms gave up, his strength and dignity are no longer present.
A silence occupied the room, broken by a few chocked sobs. Kai didn't expect for Damon to break down so suddenly, but it was understandable. He didn't really know how to comfort people, it was usually the other way around, so he did what he would've wanted in this situation.
Quiet arms slowly crept up and embraced the blonde man's figure, fitting his head in his neck's crook.
With a sigh, he started. "When, you know, the class trial happened, I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't expect it to be like that. The whole thing was so... bone-chilling? It was terrifying!"
"..."
"Like, finding Wolfgang's body was like my whole world shattered. It's, it's just, weird? Like, he was alive not so long ago! I talked with him! It made no sense to see him... dead. And it was so gruesome, and everything happened so quickly?!"
"..."
"And in just a blink of an eye, I saw Eva holding for her dear life in the podiums, and, and it was, uhm...Ughh! I could barely breathe because this whole thing was so sick and twisted! I vomited as soon as I got into my dorm!" Kai pulled his hair, sitting in a jump on the bed. "Holy shit! Are you okay? Sorry I forgot about-"
"...Continue." Damon adjusted himself, laying his chin on top of his knees. He missed the warmth wrapped around him.
"Uh, sure, right. And when I saw you leave I thought 'He just needs time.' And so, I waited for you, for days actually, but you didn't arrive. I kept being in denial about the possibility of you never coming over again, at least for a little while." He fiddled with his hair.
"...Huh?" This sparked curiosity in Damon, what did he mean by 'for at least a little while?'.
"Uhm, I mean, after I shut myself inside of my bedroom after waiting for a few days, one thought came to me that maybe, if I acted like nothing happened, then everything could go back to normal!" He smiled, but it quickly faded into a shy one. "In the moment it was brilliant okay? And it worked! Well, at least for some time it did."
"...What else?"
"I tried finding more people, but barely anyone even left their dorms to be honest, the only ones I saw were Ingrid, Jean and rarely I'd see Wenona and Diana too. Talking about Diana, she and I kinda had the same mindset, but it was definitely taking a toll in her."
"..." Damon didn't expect people to actually act all careless again, but he wasn't quite expecting the monotony.
"And it was because of them that I learned you haven't left your room ever since the trial, from what Jean told me, he saw everyone at least once, so, uhm, imagine my reaction hearing that..."
"...?"
"I was so, so, so, so scared to open your door, I mean, maybe you just wanted to be alone, but I just couldn't brush off this feeling that something bad had happened and it was- it's overwhelming."
"...What do you mean?"
"UGHhH! I was scared that you were dead! That's it. You didn't leave your room and no one saw you, if anything, someone could've ambushed you in your room since these stupid doors doesn't have locks or, or even worse! You... You could've killed yourself." Kai rambled, fiddling with his rings, this is nerve-wracking, especially telling someone to their face that you thought they were dead, seriously, who starts a conversation like that?
...
Damon didn't know what to say.
Hearing all this was... something. He didn't understand why did this affected the other so much, was he so important like that...?
He cared?
"But, uhm, what I mean to say is- My point is, don't beat yourself up about what happened, alright? It really, really isn't your fault, truly." Kai finally locked eyes with Damon, who just kept staring like he saw a three-headed dragon.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Did, did I say something wrong...?"
"You care?"
"Huh?"
"You keep saying this stuff, even if you're scared because I threatened you not long ago, why?"
"What do you mean why? I know you didn't mean it, am I not supposed to feel empathy now?" Kai deadpanned. "What do you take me for dude." He flicked his finger on Damon's forehead.
"You're wrong in one thing, however, it is my fault, if I hadn't dwelled on the case for long, she would've survived."
"Yeah and everyone else, including you, would die, what's your point? Sure, maybe we could've avoided everything if we cut the evil right from the root, maybe, if we saw her struggles before, maybe she wouldn't have killed someone."
"..."
"Or... Maybe she wouldn't."
"What?"
"You see, when I talked with Diana in one of these days, she kept blaming herself, just like you, but she said how she didn't understand why did Eva try to frame her, because she kept trying to include Eva in everything she did."
"Huh?"
"See? When I talked about cutting it from the root, that's what I meant. Her problems started way before UTP, and she was so stuck in her vengeance that she rejected the friends she kept insisting she wanted, you know?"
"..."
"You just did what was best not only for yourself, but for everyone in our class, yes, maybe something could've changed, I shouldn't have been so mean to her, really, this is gonna haunt me until the day I die." Kai combed his hair with his hands, with a frown in his face. "But you saved me- us, really."
"I saved myself."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, but you saved me as a consequence!" Kai poked Damon's cheek, smiling slyly.
Damon felt something twist within his chest, a warmth rising to his face, definitely was just a consequence of his embarrassingly breakdown, anger perhaps?
It washed away once he yawned. Finally, he atoned for his sins and sleep came to bless him once more. Kai, however, was still impatient, tapping his fingers onto the mattress.
"Speak."
"Wh- What?"
"There's something bothering you, and it's distracting me." He pointed to the absently minded tapping, that ceased to continue as soon as noticed.
"A-ah. It's nothing really, nothing to bother." Kai turned his face, his face was getting redder and warmer.
"Stop lying. You said all those big words about trust for now to hide... whatever this is." Damon looked the other up and down.
"Uhh, forget it, it's really not that big of a deal, I'm just... contemplating some things."
"Are you sure?" The other yawned once more.
"Yeah, yeah, you look kinda sleepy already, don't mind me!" Kai absently smiled, and if Damon wasn't so tired, he would be sure he saw a red tint over Kai's cheeks.
Well, he already excused himself, right?
Damon flopped onto the mattress, covering himself with the sheets again, and finally, was able to drift to sleep again.
It was weird, how quick the weight on his shoulders were lifted just by being in Kai's presence.
The influencer, stubborn as he can be, brought a soothing feeling to the debater, maybe he wasn't that insufferable.
And if Damon felt something wet on his forehead before he went to sleep, he didn't comment on it.
And even, if he woke up with the chirping birds and locked onto the other's tight embrace, who snoozed peacefully by his side.
Maybe he didn't mind doing this for more than one night.