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“Okay well what do you wanna do?” Connor paused thinking what to say next, “Jude d-do you wanna break up?” he finally said, not certain what to expect from his boyfriend.
“Do you?” Jude countered. He had been thinking about it. Distance was making everything hard on them, but he still didn’t want to give up, he needed to know what his boyfriend thought about it.
“No of course not” Connor replied after a small pause. That was the last thing he wanted to do!
Jude breathed a sigh of relief, “Me neither” he thought carefully about his next words, “I just… I just don’t know what to do anymore. I miss you so much.” He said as tears were starting to gather in his eyes. He looked at the screen seeing the boy that stole his heart with teary eyes as well.
“Jude you promised… we promised we would fight for us.” The blonde boy said desperately fighting his coming break down.
“I know. I just didn’t know it would be this hard.” He said wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
Both of them took a minute break to think about what to say next. After composing a little, Connor was the one to speak first.
“Listen, can we talk about this in person?” before the brunette boy could say anything, he continued, “Please Jude, I want us to work this out.” He pleaded.
“I do too,” Jude replied nodding, but still a bit hesitant, “But when?”
“I’m going to visit my dad in a couple weeks. I know it’s a long time but please, can you wait for me?”
Even though right now they weren’t in the best position, there was no way Jude could say no to his boyfriend when the other boy looked at him with those pleading eyes.
“Yes, I’ll wait” he replied nodding again.
“And I’m sorry about the picture, I don’t know what I was thinking” Connor added, trying to lighten the mood a bit.
Jude gave a small snort, “No, it’s fine really. I didn’t… it was good” he said smiling a little and blushing a lot. He remembered how he felt when he first saw it and how it somehow led him to try and watch porn, but he wasn’t going to tell anyone that. At least not now.
“Thanks.” Connor replied, mirroring the smile and blush on his boyfriend’s face.
Jude cleared his throat and broke the awkward silence, “So I’ll talk to you later then”
“Yes,” Connor gave a nod and added, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Jude responded with no hesitation. “Bye.”
“Bye.” Connor said with a wave and with that they both disconnected the call.
Jude shut his laptop and went downstairs to keep celebrating with his family the twins’ birthday. He tried not to be a buzzkill and enjoy the “after party”, but he couldn’t stop thinking of what will happen to the two of them. Specially since he had noticed that lately he had been acting really bitter towards everyone in the house. But could they blame him. He wasn’t able to be with one of the most important people in his life, so of course he would be mad at everything. But mostly at Adam, for not getting it soon enough. He wasn’t sure about what would happen to them but the one thing he was one hundred percent certain about was that he loved Connor, and he would do anything he could to never let that go.
Meanwhile in LA, Connor stayed in his room for the rest of the evening. Just like his boyfriend, he kept thinking about everything they said and making up different scenarios of what could happen when they meet in person and talk. Even though he didn’t really like it, he could understand where Jude was coming from. Distance was a bitch and even though he loved living with his mom, sometimes he hated it because he didn’t have the other person he loved the most in the world. He was constantly thinking about that, and most times he would end up concluding that it was all his dad’s fault. He ended up being so mad with him. For not accepting him. For not loving him unconditionally like a father should love their child. But most of all, for keeping him away from the love of his life. No matter what though, he was going to do anything in his power try and make things better, because he loved Jude.
--
The next couple weeks went by fast. They kept texting each other almost all day every day, and most nights they would talk on the phone. Though they would only talk about their days, what they did, who they talked to. They had an implicit agreement to avoid the topic they would treat when they saw each other.
Connor was packing his bag with everything he would need for the weekend when his mom came inside his room.
“Hey sweetie, are you okay?” she asked. She had noticed he had been a little jumpy and sort of nervous these last few days. She wanted to know if it had to do with seeing his father or something else.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He answered while folding and stuffing two shirts inside his bag.
“You’ve been acting odd lately. Are you sure you want to go see your dad? It’s okay if you don’t.” she told him as she sat down next to his bag on his bed.
“No I need… I want to go. I really need to see Jude.” Connor replied.
“Are you guys okay?” she asked him. Knowing how Connor is with Jude, she thought maybe his behavior had to do with him.
“Um yeah, I think so,” he said as he sat on the bed opposite from his mom, “It’s just really hard not being able to see each other like before.” He added.
“Yeah,” she sighed, “that’s the problem with long distance relationships. But if you both really care for each other and want to continue, then you’ll work it out and distance won’t be such a big deal.”
“I know but I’m scared,” Connor said while looking down and fidgeting with his hands, “what am I going to do if he breaks up with me?”
“Live Connor. You have your whole life ahead of you, sweetie. I know you really care about him but you would move on.”
“Mom I love him!” he said turning to look at her, tears starting to fall on his cheeks, “how could I live without the love of my life?!”
“Oh honey,” she stood up and went to sit next to him, wrapping him in a tight hug as he sobbed.
“I know you’re going to say I’m young and I can’t possibly know and when I grow up things may change but…” Connor started, his voice muffled by his mother’s tight embrace, “sometimes you just know, and I know, you know? I just know it, I can feel it in my bones.” He continued sobbing.
“Hey hey, look at me,” his mother said, pulling back a little to look him in the eyes. She continued when Connor opened his eyes to look at her, “I believe you. You’re not too young to know love, there’s no age for that okay? If you feel that way and he feels the same, then you're going to have to fight for it and never give up. And I’ll support you and be there for you every step of the way.” She finished wrapping her arms around him again and bringing him close to her chest.
“Thanks mom.” Connor said when he finally stopped crying. “I love you.”
“I love you too baby.”
Connor finished packing with his mom’s help and a couple hours later she drove him to the train station, letting Adam know when he would arrive to pick him up.
--
In the mean time, back in San Diego, Jude was sitting in the living room playing videogames, but not really paying much attention as he was thinking about what would happen in a few hours when he was to see his boyfriend again. He was so lost in thought he didn’t even notice Callie coming into the room and sitting next to him.
“Hey.” Callie said after noticing his brother was completely spaced out.
“Hey.” He replied glancing in her direction but quickly returning his attention back to the screen.
“So,” she said waiting for him to acknowledge her but continued anyway, “are you excited to see Connor this weekend? It’s been a while.”
“Yeah.” Jude replied and then gulped, hoping his sister wouldn’t notice. But she did.
“Is something wrong? Are you guys okay?” she inquired.
“I guess.” He paused the game but instead of looking at her he looked down.
“You know you can talk to me about anything right?” his sister told him.
“It just sucks not being with him.” Jude blurted out after a couple minutes of silence.
“What do you mean? You're still together aren’t you?” Callie asked.
“Well yeah, but I mean not seeing him at school or being able to… hang out and stuff. I don’t know if we can continue like this” he sighed and wiped some of the tears that were starting to form in his eyes.
“Do you love him?”
“Of course I do!” Jude responded sounding almost offended that someone would think he doesn’t love Connor.
“Okay, listen. I know I’m most definitely not the best person to give relationship advice,” Jude chuckled, “but I’ve seen you two. They way you were as friends and then as boyfriends, even if it was a short time of being physically together, and honestly you have a better relationship than any of us ever had. Sometimes including moms. I know most people say long distance relationships never last but if anyone can work it out it’s you two.”
“I’m just really scared of losing him,” Jude said as more tears were running down his cheeks, “But I feel like maybe he would be better off with a fresh start in LA, so he doesn’t have any ties here, and he can be completely happy.”
“Jude…” Callie sighed, “I know I was a little hesitant at first about you two, specially after some of the stuff you did for him,” she gave him a knowing look. “But the way he looked at you… it was painfully obvious that you make him happy. And I’m almost certain it’s the same for you. Don’t give that up.” She finished.
“Okay,” he nodded. He continued when he finally managed to stop the tears, “When did you become so wise?” he said smiling at his sister.
“I learned from the best,” she winked at him and then added, “now go get ready for your boyfriend.”
Jude got up and after giving Callie a quick hug he ran upstairs to his room to get changed.
--
From the moment his dad picked him up at the train station and the whole ride hom- to his dad’s house they only exchanged hellos and after his dad asked him how he was doing and he replied “fine”, they just stayed in silence. As soon as they arrived to his former home, Connor ran upstairs to his former room to set up his stuff and get ready to go see Jude.
He really did miss his dad, even if he was constantly mad at him. But right now he was just thinking of Jude and finally seeing him after months of nothing but texting, late night phone calls a couple video chats. He needed to make sure everything with him was good and then he would consider spending some time with his father. As soon as he was ready he bolted downstairs heading to the front door but before he could reach it his dad stopped him.
“Hey Connor wait up!” he called from the kitchen just as Connor was reaching for the doorknob. When Connor entered the room he continued, “Where are you going? You just got here.” He inquired.
Connor wasn’t sure what to say. He knew how his dad was and telling him he was going to see Jude might start something he didn’t want to deal with right now. However, after thinking about it and not coming up with a believable lie, he told the truth.
“I’m going to Jude’s.” That’s it Connor thought, here it comes.
“Okay just let me know when you're coming back for dinner.” His father replied nonchalantly.
That was weird. Connor thought he saw a small smile on his father as he said that, but he figured he was just seeing things. He nodded and turned to leave the house. As soon as the Adams Foster residence came in to view he ran to the front door and rang the bell. About a minute later Lena opened the door smiling at him.
“Hey Connor, come on in.” she said.
“Hi.” Connor said once he was inside the house.
“Jude Connor’s here!” Lena screamed standing at the foot of the stairs. “So how you’ve been?” she asked him as they both walked to the living room.
“Um okay.” He replied but before he could say anything else they heard footsteps coming closer until his boyfriend was standing in front of him.
“Hi.” The brunette boy said, wide smile on his face.
“Hey.” He replied smiling back. He heard Lena say something and then leave the room.
“Do you wanna go up?” Jude asked pointing with his thumb upstairs.
Connor nodded.
Connor was surprised that as soon as they entered Jude’s room he felt skinny arms wrap around him in a tight embrace.
“I missed you.” He heard Jude say against his neck.
After moving past his initial shock he returned the embrace, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s small frame and said, “I missed you too.”
They spent a couple hours just talking about regular stuff, school, some of the people Connor met in LA, living with his mom, Jude’s new friend Jack, and how he was doing at school; also playing games on Jude’s iPad, Connor being a sore loser due to Jude having way more experience in the games they played.
Until they decided to stop ignoring the other main reason they wanted to see each other in person. They needed to talk. Really talk. Only problem was neither knew how to start.
“I’m sorry I didn’t go to your homecoming,” Jude started, “I just got really nervous after you sent the picture and it made me think about a lot of things.”
“I really wish you had but I get it. Besides, it was the twins’ birthday so it’s understandable. Family comes first.”
“You're my family too Connor.” Jude assured. Connor stayed silent for a short moment before continuing.
“Were you serious?” he asked before proceeding, “when you said I don’t feel like your friend anymore.”
“I don’t know.” Jude sighed, “it’s just not the same. Like when you were here and we would hang out almost every day. And talk about anything. We were really there for each other.”
“You can still tell me anything Jude. We promised we would try to keep everything as close to normal.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m holding you back though. Like if I tell you about my problems here you won’t be enjoying your time in LA.” Jude blurted out.
“Jude- holding me back...” Connor started, surprised by Jude’s choice of words.
“I just want you to be truly happy,” Jude interrupted him, “what if you find someone else there Connor? I don’t want to keep a part of you here if you can find all your happiness there.”
“But I want you! Yes I’m great with my mom but you’re also a big part of my life and I don’t want to give that up even if we’re apart!” Connor raised his voice a bit, feeling sort of desperate with Jude saying things like that.
“Maybe… maybe we should take a break, some time ap-“ Jude was interrupted by Connor getting up from his bed.
“Look I have to go. I told my dad I would be there for dinner soon. I’ll talk to you later.” He said without even glancing back to Jude’s direction.
“Connor wait!” but it was too late. Jude heard the front door opening and closing.
Jude cried himself to sleep that night. He didn’t even get up to have dinner, brush his teeth, anything. He was so mad with himself. They were supposed to fix things up and he ended up making everything worse. He didn’t know what he was going to go now, he probably ruined everything already.
--
Connor slammed the front door shut as soon as he was inside his house. He was seething after everything Jude said and what he suggested before he decided to leave. This was his first relationship but he that when people talk about taking a break, it always leads to a break up.
“Hey Connor, is that you?” he heard his dad call from the kitchen but he sprinted upstairs to his room, ignoring his father.
As soon as he got in he slammed that door shut as well. The sound ringing through the house and making the walls of his room tremble. He jumped on his bed and buried his head on his pillows before the tears started to fall freely.
Adam stood outside his room, hearing Connor’s weeping, he figured he was really mad considering the way he came in and now this. He wasn’t sure if going in and try to talk to him would be such a good idea. He knew that the root to all of this was himself. Pushing all that aside, he opened the door quietly and went inside, sitting on the bed next to his crying son.
He set a hand on his shoulder before quickly pulling back when Connor flinched at the contact. Connor was surprised that anyone was there, he wanted to be left alone right now and his father was the last person he wanted to speak to at the moment.
“Are you okay buddy?” Adam asked when Connor turned to his side so his back was facing him.
“Leave me alone.” Connor muttered.
“Did something happen with Jude?” Adam pushed.
Hearing his name come out of his mouth made him turn to face the man behind all his suffering and he was going to let him know that.
“This is all because of you! Jude is going to break up with me and it’s all your fault!” Connor cried and broke down in front of his father. He didn’t care anymore what the man thought of him for crying, specially over a boy. He let it all out.
“I know.” The man surprised Connor by saying that, causing him to cease his whimpering a little and look at the man staring down, “I know everything it’s my fault and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Connor.” He continued without looking up.
Connor was stunned hearing him say that. Specially because he actually sounded sincere. Like he was actually sorry for everything he’d done in the past. He composed himself a little more and waited for his dad to continue.
“I’m sorry for not getting it sooner. If I had you wouldn’t be going through all of this. I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much pain when I should’ve been the one to help you through it. But I really need you to know something Connor,” he paused and finally looked up straight to Connor, “I love you, son, and you are the best thing in my life, no matter what. I should’ve said this a long time ago but you being gay,” Connor was surprised that his dad would even acknowledge that, “will never change that. You are my son and I’m proud of calling you that, and proud of you for being yourself.” He concluded.
“You… you really mean that?” Connor asked still sniffling a little.
“I really do.” He replied sincerely.
To say Adam was surprised when Connor sat up and hugged him was an understatement. He hugged him tightly just like he used to before he ruined everything. He returned the embrace just as tightly. He started to rub circles on Connor’s back as the boy continued crying.
After a few minutes Connor composed himself and pulled away from his father’s tear soaked shirt and sat against the headboard. Adam straightened himself up before breaking the silence.
“So what happened with Jude? Is he really going to break up with you?” Connor sighed.
“Maybe. I mean he said we should take a break and in movies and stuff that always end up in a break up.” Connor reasoned.
“But this is not a movie Connor.” His father countered.
“I know that! It’s just… the distance is a lot harder than any of us thought, and he thinks I could find someone else in LA.”
“Do you?” Adam asked.
“What?”
“Do you think you could find someone else there?”
“I don’t want to,” he shook his head, “no, no one like Jude.”
Adam waited and thought about what to say next. He knew it was probably too soon but he could only hope.
“What if… what if the distance wasn’t a problem anymore?” he said
“What do you mean?” Connor asked confused.
“What if you moved back with me?” Adam proposed.
“Dad…”
“Listen, I know it’s too soon and you still have only my word to go by but maybe if you visited a bit more and spent more time with me I could earn your trust back. Proved to you that I have changed for real this time.” Before Connor could say anything Adam continued.
“I’ve been going to some PFLAG meetings almost everyday since you moved and they have really helped me to deal with all of this. They helped me see all of my mistakes and guided me on how I could repair them. You can take all the time you want before you decide to move back, if that’s what you decide. I won’t push you but I really want to make things right with you Connor.” He added wholeheartedly.
Connor took sometime to think about everything his father had said. He was scared of trusting him only to be let down again like all previous times. But somehow this time it really felt different. Before when his father promised anything he sensed a bit of hesitation and uncertainty. But now, he actually felt him being completely serious, sincere and certain about what he was saying.
Right now he didn’t know what would happen with Jude specially how they left things. He was a bit overwhelmed about all this new information his father gave him. Plus, he felt conflicted because he really wanted to comeback, but he also didn’t want to hurt his mother by leaving her when he barely got there and they were starting to build a solid relationship.
It really dawned on him that you can’t have everything in life. At the end of the day he would have to choose between living happily with his mother, without any judgment or uncertainty but with the possibility of losing Jude; or come back to his father, not being entirely sure of what would happen but with Jude next to him throughout the whole process.
“Can I think about it?” he asked his dad.
“Yes of course,” Adam assured, “like I said, you can take as long as you want and I promise nothing will change even if you decide not to.”
“Okay.” Connor managed to form a small smile.
“Okay well, I’ll call you down when dinner’s ready. Hope you’re hungry.” Adam said as he got up and exited the room.
“I’m always hungry!” Connor yelled at his retreating father.
The rest of the evening went smooth. They talked during dinner. Connor told him about his life in LA and living with his mom, while Adam talked a bit about work and sports, but he took most time explaining everything he’s been doing over at PFLAG, which made Connor very happy.
Connor slept really good that night. But the next day when he woke up, everything that had happened came to him all at once. He still hadn’t made a decision. Besides, he didn’t even know whether he wanted or should talk to Jude before he left.
He picked up his phone to check for any notifications and noticed the battery was dead so he plugged it in and waited until it was on. As soon as he started it a bunch of notifications flooded the screen. A few miscalls and plenty of texts. All of them from Jude. He the text app and read through all of them. Most of them Jude only asked to talk to him, or that he was sorry.
He knew that Jude would be a big influence on his decision. But after everything the boy said yesterday, he wasn’t sure if he could count on him. He was brought out of his thoughts when the doorbell rang. He waited for his dad to answer it but then heard him asking him to do it as he was occupied. He quickly threw on some clothes before going downstairs to open the door.
When he opened the door he was met by a sweaty and panting Jude. He looked like he ran 5 miles, or like, all the way from his house to here. He didn’t say anything, waiting for the brunette to catch his breath and hear what he had to say.
“I’m sorry,” Jude said when he was finally able to speak, “I don’t want to take a break and I really don’t want to break up,” he continued, “I thought if I let you go and move on I would not be selfish. But I like to believe I’m never selfish so I want to be selfish this time. I don’t want you to find anyone else and I don’t want you to be with anyone else but me. I love you Connor and I don’t wanna give that up. Even if we’re ten thousand miles apart I want us to be together. I’m not going to give up on us.” He finished breathless.
Connor stood there, letting Jude’s words sink in. In that moment, after hearing everything Jude had to say, Connor made his decision.
Adam didn’t mean to eavesdrop but it was hard not to when the boy was speaking so loud. He walked to the front door and saw both boys just standing there looking at each other. He knew this probably wasn’t the time but he saw an opportunity to prove his son he was changing. He approached the door and stood behind Connor.
“Hey Jude, how are you?” he greeted the brunette boy.
“Um,” Jude gulped, suddenly feeling really nervous. He didn’t expect to see Adam there after what he said. “Good, you?” he said softly.
“I’m fine thank you. I was just making breakfast, pancakes, would you like to join us?” Adam said offering a smile.
To say he was shocked was understatement. Jude turned to look at Connor for help and found the boy had a wide smile on his face. He waited a few seconds to wake up from all of this but it didn’t happen.
“Sure thanks.” He managed to form a small smile.
“Great! Why don’t you go on up to Connor’s room to wait until I call you.” Adam said still smiling.
Before he could say anything else, his boyfriend was dragging him inside and upstairs to his room. Connor closed the room and sat on his bed, motioning Jude to join him. Considering Connor hadn’t said anything so far he needed to ask.
“Are we-“
“I’m moving back with my dad.” Connor blurted out cutting him off.
“Wha- Connor you don’t have to do that f-“ Jude started but his boyfriend interrupted him again.
“It’s not just about you Jude. We talked yesterday. He’s been working with this really cool organization that helps people with LGBT family members. He’s really changed and he offered so I thought about it and decided to do it now.”
“Are you sure about this?” Jude asked concerned.
“Yes. I mean I won’t move back right away. Probably next year but do you think you can wait for me?” Connor said with pleading eyes.
“I meant it Connor. I’m not going to give up on us. Even if you decide not to move back.” Jude replied sincerely.
Hearing that, Connor pulled Jude into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his face on his neck, while Jude set his arms around his neck, pulling him closer.
They pulled away slightly and stared at each other for a couple minutes, just basking in each others presence, seeing the love they shared in their eyes. Connor leaned in slowly, giving Jude a chance to pull back if he wanted to, but he didn’t. Jude closed the remaining distance between them and pressed his lips against Connor in a loving kiss. It didn’t last more than a minute but it was more meaningful for them than some of the other kissed they had shared in the past.
They stayed silent for a couple more minutes, just enjoying each other’s presence until Adam called them down for breakfast. They went downstairs and as they were entering the kitchen, Connor grabbed Jude’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Adam noticed the gesture but didn’t comment on it, just smiled and motioned them to sit before setting a plate stacked with pancakes in front of them.
--
The rest of that year Connor visited San Diego a few more times. During his stay Jude was with him most of the time but he was able to spent a lot of it with his dad, sometimes with both of them at the same time. He really was able to notice the change in his father’s behavior.
Jude also visited a few times LA and was able to attend some of Connor’s games. His teammates started to tease him a lot about his boyfriend being so loud with his cheering in the bleachers, but he felt nothing but pride when they did that.
Before winter break, some of which he would be spending with his father, Cole organized a LGBT winter ball. Jude asked him to go with him to which Connor replied with a “Hell yes!”. This time though, his father was completely aware of it. He even drove them there and back, taking the opportunity to take some pictures of them together before they left.
Just a couple weeks before the break ended Connor felt ready to move back with his father. He talked about it with both of his parents and they both agreed with his decision. Adam managed to re-enroll him in Anchor Beach and the next couple weeks they spent them moving all of Connor’s stuff back.
The day of the move Connor was packing the last of his stuff when his mother came into his room and sat on his bed.
“You ready?” she asked and Connor nodded.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Connor asked his mother.
“Of course honey, I’m happy for you!” she replied moving to stand in front of him and pulling him into a hug, when they pulled away she continued, “and hey, who knows, maybe next year I’ll move back to San Diego too.” She said winking at him. She left the room and told him they would be leaving in five minutes.
When he was ready he grabbed his bag and started to walk outside of his room when his phone buzzed with a notification. He stopped to take it out and saw he had a text from Jude.
Can’t wait to see you! :)
The message read. He smiled and was about to reply when the phone buzzed with another incoming text.
[picture attachment]
Connor clicked on the picture and nearly choked on his spit. In front of him (at least in his phone) Jude stood in front of a mirror wearing nothing but his birthday suit and holding his phone with one of his hands while his other hand was holding something else. He felt himself going really warm and red all over but before he could reply anything his mother called him to leave. He put his phone away and went to finally exit the house. He would deal with that later.