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“So, it’s getting pretty late guys…” Oliver says as sets the game controller down on the coffee table. He looks around, thinking he’s being pretty obvious. Thankfully Asher takes the hint and throws his own controller onto the empty spot on the couch next to him.
“Ahh, you just don’t want to go another round with me kicking your ass.” Asher says matter-of-factly as he leans back into the sofa.
Oliver scoffs. “These are my games. You realize I’ve been letting you win, right?”
“I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Oliver opens his mouth to retort but is quickly cut off by the other man.
“Eh eh!” Asher holds up a finger and shakes his head. “It’s one in the morning, bro. I think it’s time for bed. Early day tomorrow, you know?” He shrugs his shoulders, an infuriating smirk on his face. “Maybe next time, man.”
Oliver rolls his eyes, but he stands, thankful that the evening is over and he can finally retire to bed with Connor. Speaking of… he glances over at the other man, who had been surprisingly silent for most of the night.
“Connor?”
The other man jumps in surprise and looks up from where he sits to meet his eyes.
“Bed time?” Oliver asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh… yeah,” Connor mumbles, looking a bit out of it. But he stands, throws the pillow he’d been clutching back onto the couch, and heads into the bedroom, making a beeline for the bathroom without saying another word.
Oliver frowns at his boyfriend’s strange behavior. He too heads into the other room.
“Goodnight!” Asher calls out after them.
Oliver rolls his eyes again. He had never been more pissed that his apartment doesn’t have a freaking wall separating the damn bedroom.
He knocks softly on the bathroom door. His concern for the other man is growing. Everything had been going well tonight. Connor and Asher had come home, and shockingly both seemed to be in good spirits. Shocking for Asher anyway. The man only had a handful beers that evening, choosing to stay away from the hard liquor. Then some point after dinner, while Oliver had kept Asher preoccupied with various video games, Connor had fallen into a strange, silent stupor.
“Connor?” He asks softly through the door. There’s no answer so he silently creaks the door open, only to find his boyfriend with his hands on the sink, leaning over and breathing more heavily than he should. “What’s wrong?” He asks frantically after he’s closed the door behind him.
Oliver steps closer. He glances him up and down, looking for visible signs of something wrong. But he finds none, other than the stricken look on Connor’s face as he stares unseeingly at the faucet in front of him.
“Connor?” Oliver hisses again. “What’s going on?”
The other man doesn’t answer him. He just takes a harsh, uneven breath, and shakes his head silently.
“Okay, don’t do that.” Oliver says through gritted teeth. “You’ve been acting weird all night. You’ve barely said a word. What is going on with you? You look like you’re about to have a panic attack.”
Right on cue, Connor pushes himself away from the sink. His hands start rubbing against his neck as his breath catches and noticeably quickens.
“Shit shit shit!” Connor curses softly. His hand balls into a fist and he slams it against the porcelain of the sink.
“Connor! What the hell is wrong with you?” Oliver gasps and jumps forward. He grabs both of Connor’s hands in his own, tugging the other man until he’s facing him. “What the hell is going on?” He asks, softer this time.
“It was just getting good,” Connor murmurs, not meeting his eye. “It was just getting okay again. I can’t…” he breaks off and shakes his head. “I can’t…”
Oliver grips his arms before he can pull away, trying to stop him from freaking out further. “Connor! Talk to me, please. Did something happen?” He gets nothing but silence from him. Silence and a look that says he’s ready to collapse at any moment. Oliver opens his arms and pulls the smaller man into a tight embrace. He wraps his arms around him, and gently places a hand on the back of his head. “Whatever it is, you can tell me,” he says softly.
He feels Connor relax just slightly. “Ollie…” he whispers. “I–I told you I’ve done bad things…”
Oliver feels his heart sink into the pit of his stomach. Of course. The thought nags him in the back of his head, every single day. What it is that he doesn’t know. He tries not to think about it, because everything is so good with Connor. Everything is so good, that if there’s just one little thing that’s bad… one small, tiny thing that Connor can’t tell him about his life, he likes to think it’s small enough that he can overlook it. Pretend that it doesn’t exist. Pretend it’s not something that can taint them. Or destroy them.
He finally nods slowly. “Yeah.”
Connor shakes against him. “I’m trying to be good. I am. I really am. But it keeps snowballing. It’s one thing, that leads to another, and another… and she keeps trying to fix it, but it just ends up worse. And now I don’t know what to do.”
She?
Oliver swallows, taking in the information. “Annalise?” He guesses.
Connor nods but doesn’t say anymore.
The one question that had been nagging him for weeks. The one question that Connor told him to stop asking. What did you do? That’s not what’s on his mind anymore. Now he has another more important concern.
“Are you going to be okay?”
Connor buries his face in Oliver’s neck, as Oliver continues to softly stroke his hair. “I don’t know,” he eventually says. “I’m just trying to be good,” he whispers. “I’m trying so hard. I didn’t want any of this, I swear…”
“I know,” Oliver says softly. “Whatever it is… whatever happens… we’ll get through it together. You’ll always have me, Connor. I promise.”
“You can’t promise that,” Connor says. His voice breaks softly, and his fingers clench fistfuls of Oliver’s shirt.
Oliver shakes his head, and pulls away just enough so that he can look the other man in the eyes. “You’ll always have me,” he repeats. “Always.”
Connor’s looking at him with tears in his eyes. Tears, love, and astonishment. He licks his dry lips, and his fingers continue to grip the material of Oliver’s shirt. “You know I love you, right?”
“Of course I do,” Oliver whispers softly.
He sniffles quietly. “You’re the only reason… you’re the only thing keeping me going… keeping me together. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I need you to know that…”
“Connor…”
“You’re everything to me, Ollie… Everything…”
Oliver pulls him back into his arms. He already feels tears coming to his eyes, so he quickly tries blinking them away. If he starts crying, Connor will start crying. And they’ll be two sobbing homos a thin door away from Asher. Definitely not what they need right now.
“I love you, Connor.”
“I wish Asher wasn’t here right now,” Connor says softly, his voice muffled against his shoulder.
Oliver laughs softly. “So that we don’t have to hide in the bathroom just to have a private moment?”
He can practically feel Connor rolling his eyes. “We should probably get out of the bathroom,” he says.
“In a second,” Oliver murmurs. He continues holding the other man. Connor’s arms had come up to wrap around his waist as well. And they simply stand, wrapped around each other, unmoving. Connor’s head against his shoulder, his head against Connor’s. He closes his eyes and inhales slowly.
He doesn’t want to let go just yet.