Chapter Text
Will-o'-the-wisp
For the past years – he couldn’t tell for how long exactly – Sebastian’s presence, his remembrance, had been nothing but a will-o’-the-wisp, a mere ghostly occurrence, sometimes just a faint vibe, sometimes a shaped presence that penetrated the leaning tower his mind had become, and that tower was just waiting to collapse.
The past, it haunted him. Sebastian’s deeds, his actions, his words, the remorse he proclaimed to feel – everything was as ever-present as the old question that still remained unanswered:
Had he done the right thing? Had it been right to cover for Sebastian or should he have turned him in?
Ominis debated this question each day, and it was aching and tiring.
On some days, he blamed himself. For not stepping in earlier, for not intervening more determinedly, and for not bringing justice to the death of Solomon Sallow – if there could even be something like justice in the case of murder. He was wondering how things would be if he had acted differently back then. Would Anne still be alive? Would Sebastian rot in Azkaban now or could he have prevented the downfall of his oldest friend and former partner? Maybe him and Sebastian would still be a couple, maybe they would have even been married by now if things hadn’t gone wrong so drastically.
It all remained an unsolved mystery, one that Ominis was desperate to find answers to, though he knew there was no guarantee that they wouldn’t hurt worse than the actual present did.
On most days though, he felt certain regarding his choices, and a harsh realism filled his mind. There was no use in dwelling in the past, possible could-have-been’s and would-have-been’s, for Ominis sometimes knew they only hurt. There was no way back then to turn in Sebastian, it simply was a step that he couldn’t take, like an invisible and unsurmountable wall that blocked him from doing what probably would have been the morally right thing to do.
Ominis didn’t bother with morals when it came to Sebastian and his actions. Yes, of course, he condemned what his former boyfriend had done, but occasionally he found himself feeling a strange sense of understanding. He could understand Sebastian’s feelings, his motivations and the desperation he must have felt. Did that make Ominis a better person or a worse one? To that, as to the many other questions that still resided in his mind, he had no answer.
Ominis thoughts were exhausting and confusing. Whenever they resurfaced, he tried to focus on the present, usually with varying amounts of success. He already spent way too much of his time thinking about Sebastian and the past. Truly, sometimes it was unbelievable to him how this boy he knew so long ago could still be so present in his mind. It was pathetic, even, it was a friendship that lasted a mere five years, the last one of which being the close romantic relationship they had shared. It should be fairly easy to finally let go of that – except it wasn’t.
Sebastian hadn’t been just anyone. He hadn’t been some friend of which he had several entering and leaving his life over the years. No, Sebastian had been the friend. He was the closest friend he ever had, the one who had given him a home, who had always felt like home, the friend who had become so much more than that, whom he shared the most pure and intimate relationship, even if it didn’t last very long. Yes, Sebastian had been his first friend, his first kiss, his first love and so much more than just that.
No friendship, no relationship Ominis had after him had ever been able to entice that same spark, that same special feeling that Sebastian always caused inside of him. There was no denial that Ominis was still longing for Sebastian’s voice and his gentle touch.
Inside of Ominis, there was a yearning, and it was showing through in the subtle form of fading letters kept years ago and letters that were written but never sent.
On Ominis’ desk, buried somewhere below a neatly sorted pile of more or less important work-related documents, there was a letter from Sebastian. His last one to be precise. It was an old reminiscence of what once was, a collection of apologies, a desperate proclamation of love and a goodbye.
My dear Ominis,
It hurts to know that I can no longer call you mine, but I wanted to do it just one last time, so please forgive my form of address above. I don’t even know if you’re going to read this letter. Maybe you do, maybe you burn it on the spot (I wouldn’t blame you), but of course I hope that you read it at least once.
There really is a lot I would like to say, and I don’t even know where to begin. I guess the most important thing for me to say is that I am sorry, Ominis. I am sorry for everything that I have done. I know it doesn’t mean much when I say this, and I know I cannot undo anything I have done, but still, I desperately want you to know that I am sorry. I’m sorry for the things I have said to you, I’m sorry for the things that I have done to you, for not listening to you and for everything else I have done. I realize while writing this that there are too many things that I should be apologizing for, and I hate myself for that.
I never deserved you, Ominis. There’s not a single day that passes without me hating myself for what I did or without me realizing how much better I should have treated you. I am at a point where I don’t know what to do or say. I miss you, though you probably don’t want to hear that. I miss your voice, how you always told me everything’s going to work out and be alright in the end, because this time, I really don’t think it will.
I’m scared. I don’t know what to do, where to go or what to say. I don’t know what to do with my life, I know I have destroyed it, and I desperately want to repair it, but I don’t know how. Honestly, I feel so helpless and useless. I have pushed away everyone who ever cared for me, first Anne, then you. And it hurts. It hurts so damn bad, Ominis. I am at a point where I don’t know how to move on, I feel so guilty and horrible, and I don’t know if that will ever fade. I deserve that at the very least, I suppose… Now that I think of it, I never thanked you for not turning me in. But I want you to know that I am so incredibly grateful for that. I know that I probably deserve to go to Azkaban, but of course I don’t want to. I’m terrified of that place. The thought of that haunts my dreams and if that place is really as bad as they say, well then you have saved me from literal hell on earth. You saved me once again, and for that I can’t thank you enough. You are such a precious being, Ominis, the world never deserved you, and I am the last person in this world to deserve you.
I don’t even know if anything that I’m writing here makes any sense, my mind has been a mess ever since… well, you know since when. I don’t know why I am even writing you. My apologies are pretty worthless, aren’t they?
Well, I guess, I wanted you to know that I am sorry, that I regret so much and that I would do so many things so differently if I could go back in time. I would have listened to you sooner, I would have cherished you more often and kissed you more often. I would have given everything to give you the life you deserve. Yes, I think I would have told you more often how much I love you and how happy I am to have you by my side.
It’s strange how painful these thoughts are considering that the subject of them is rather pure and wholesome. That life we always imagined together is now out of reach, I have destroyed that and I am sorry for taking this from you.
I guess I should stop fantasizing about something I can’t have and stop crying about the things I am responsible for. I really should have seen it coming, but I guess, for once, I have been the blind one (please forgive me for that last sentence).
Either way, to conclude:
I don’t want you to forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your presence in my life anymore. You have given me countless chances and I have wasted them all.
I am so incredibly grateful for everything that you have done for me. For the time we had together and for the love we shared. It was always genuine from my side, that I swear.
I am so sorry, Ominis. For everything that I have done.
Though I know I don’t deserve it, I wish I could feel your touch and I wish I could hear your voice one last time. I wish that you live the life that you deserve, that you will be happy and wander into a prosperous future. You only deserve the best of the best, please know that. I hope you’ll find yourself someone who treats you right, much better than I ever did.
At last, I just want you to know that I love you. More than everything else in this world because nothing could ever compare to you.
Thank you, Ominis. For everything.
Yours eternally,
- Sebastian
The letter was crumpled, there was a tear in the middle and the folds were worn-out and thin. Sebastian’s characteristic handwriting was lightly fading and there were some stains that caused the ink to bleed across the thin parchment. Still, this fragile piece of parchment was Ominis’ most precious possession. It was the last physical remainder of Sebastian in his life, and he guarded it like a dragon guarding its gold.
When he had received the letter years ago, shortly after the incident in Feldcroft, Ominis was furious. He couldn’t comprehend how Sebastian had the audacity to simply write him a letter instead of having the courage to talk to him in person and how he had the audacity to decide what Ominis deserved and didn’t deserve. It took a few weeks until his anger had died down and realization had settled in. Sebastian had disappeared shortly after the chaos that had unfolded back then. Rumor had it that he had left the country, some said he took on a new name. Ominis had never found out if any of these rumors were true, but what he had found out soon after receiving that letter, was that he missed Sebastian, even though he hated to admit it.
There were months of conflicting feelings that followed, he despised Sebastian for what he had done but at the same time, he couldn’t deny that his absence was becoming more painful with each day that passed; he missed him, missed his laugh, the feeling of his skin and hair and the characteristic scent he always had.
It quickly became clear that this had been their breakup, something Ominis never expected to happen, though in hindsight, the thought of him and Sebastian staying together forever was nothing but a romanticized teenage idiocy. It had been bad, ugly and painful. It was never said out loud that their relationship was over, it was more of a mutual agreement made without any words that none of them seemed to fully support, like a treaty signed amidst the pinnacle of war.
Words long forgotten still resonated with Ominis, and Sebastian’s departure and everything that had led to the total escalation of everything marked the beginning of the rest of Ominis life. One destined to be spent alone for no suitor and no man he had had was able to fill the void Sebastian had left. His love for the bright, free-spirited boy had turned into hatred at first, fueled by the anger at his stubbornness, his resistance to guidance and advice and his actions that completely destroyed not only Sebastian’s life, but so many more around him. Solomon’s, Anne’s and Ominis’ – and Ominis did not even know how much their shared friends and acquaintances were affected by Sebastian’s actions and their consequences.
That hatred did not last for long though, maybe a few months at best. It slowly faded into disappointment, and that disappointment remained, and so did the inability to grasp and comprehend how things could evolve the way they did. Those emotions were joined by the deep longing; it remained uncomfortable for the most, but sometimes grew to a painful level whenever Ominis was reminded of Sebastian. On birthdays, on Anne’s date of death, on the anniversary they had only celebrated once.
Pathetic, really, Ominis thought occasionally. To still long for a long-gone teenage romance was pathetic, there was no denial in that, yet no matter Ominis told that to himself, it never changed the harsh reality.
Ominis was still holding on to the past. Nothing more than a friendship, brief in time in the light of life as a whole, and a relationship even briefer. Maybe it was for a reason, maybe it was just his own incapability, but Ominis never managed to move on. He had no intentions anymore to change that.
On his desk, somewhere near that old, crumpled letter from Sebastian, there were Ominis’ replies. Letters written throughout the years, some scratched, some crumpled up, but all never sent. Ominis never intended to actually send them away, and even if he did, there was no way they would ever reach their recipient – no one knew where Sebastian resided.
Instead, they were more of a way of coping for the young Gaunt. A mere failed attempt to somehow say the things he couldn’t tell Sebastian in person – or at all for that matter – they were simply a way for Ominis to voice the thoughts and feelings he had that he did not want to share with anyone, even if his word’s destination would never be reached.
I cannot believe you would have the audacity to write nothing but a letter and then run off! Is that all that I am worth, Sebastian Sallow? Do you have any idea on how much you have hurt everyone around you? Do you have any idea how much you have hurt Anne? How much you have hurt me? Or is that too much for your thick skull to comprehend? I suppose it is. You just run off, leaving without a word and with nothing but a damn letter to explain yourself? At least you should have had the decency to accept the consequences of your actions and not run away like the coward you apparently are.
But maybe it is for the best, and maybe you did the right thing for once, because I don’t think anyone of us wants to see you again.
You have been nothing but absolutely selfish, you
That had been Ominis first letter. No salutation and stopped halfway. It was written in a hazy haste of anger, disbelief and rage, right after Ominis had found Sebastian’s farewell. There were a lot more things that Ominis had wished to write that night. It was of no use, Anne had convinced him. She had claimed to know her brother better than anyone else, and for some reason Ominis was oblivious to, she approached the subject with surprising composure and calmness. Ominis never understood why or how.
Sebastian,
It has been six months since you left. No one knows where you are or what you are doing. Anne misses you. She is doing worse, and no one knows how much time she has left. It does not look to promising. We both still don’t understand why you left, and I personally do not think we ever will. Anne still hopes that you return soon. She hopes that you just needed time to sort out your life and mind. She hopes she gets to see you again before the inevitable happens. I wish I could be just as optimistic – regarding your return and regarding our personal reconciliation. I do not think that will ever happen. I do not think that you will return, because if you had any intentions of doing so, you would have returned by now. I do not think that we will ever reconcile or even speak again, because what you did to me and in general have made that impossible. I think that for once, I am unable to repair the damage you have done.
- O. G.
Ominis’ anger had died down by the third letter, but his disappointment had only grown by then. All of his first letters were short, cold and without a touch of personality. Back then, he had written them for the sake of Anne. Ominis had written when he had graduated from Hogwarts in his seventh year. He had written him on his 18th birthday and his 20th. It had given Anne a strange sense of comfort to know that Ominis was writing down his thoughts, and it did not matter that they were never sent. Ominis found himself gathering some strange sort of tranquility from writing the letters as well, even though each letter hurt and rekindled memories Ominis wanted to forget. Anne always claimed that one day, Sebastian would return. She said that one day, Ominis will be glad that he wrote down all of his thoughts.
Anne had never asked to read his letters to Sebastian.
Dear Sebastian,
Anne has passed away peacefully in her sleep last night. I found her this morning and I think that my world has finally shattered entirely. I am at a loss for words. Anne told me to try and not to grieve too much, as if that was easy or in my control in any way whatsoever. She will be buried tomorrow under the old oak in Feldcroft, as per her request. It hurts to think about it. I wish she would have lived a longer life – she once called me ‘egoistic’ when I said that to her. She said to finally let her go and be free. The conversation was not as dire as it appears here when I write about it. She laughed when she called me egoistic – quite like her, isn’t it? She always had the ability to make light of any situation, no matter how dire it might be, but you know that, of course. She had been rather calm, but no less bright over the last few weeks. I think she made peace with everything, even if her request to see you again has not been fulfilled.
She wanted me to tell you that she forgives you and that she still loves you as her brother no matter what. She has written letters to you. Countless ones; far more than I did. She wants you to have them if the chance ever is there. Whether that is right or not is not my decision to make, even more so considering that even after five years, I still don’t know what to think about you.
I have cared for her ever since you left. I don’t know what to do with my life now, but I suppose that I don’t have to know that, at least for now. Over the last years, she became my closest friend, sometimes I think closer than you and I have ever been. She knew everything about me, and vice versa. Now I have lost my closest friend for the second time, Anne is dead, and right now, it feels as if you are dead as well. You vanished from my life entirely, there is barely a single trace of you left except for some keepsakes. Your notebook, for example. I have looked at it more times than I can count, and I don’t even know why. I feel like recently, I am entirely unable to find any reason in anything. Everything seems so pointless, there are no answer to my questions and there appears nothing I can do to change that.
I guess if I could ask you only one question, I would ask why did you leave me like this? We were so happy, I loved you so much, and I felt like we could achieve anything. Why did you take that from me and why does it feel as if the chance of gaining any closure has left with you?
Maybe it is the grief speaking for me, but I miss you, Sebastian. I feel horrible and even more so in the light of Anne’s death, and I wish for your presence right now more than anything else. Lately, Anne was persistent on the claim that you and I will reunite one day, and as much as I wish that was true right now, I find it impossibly hard to believe at this point.
- Ominis
The weeks that followed Anne’s death were harsh on Ominis. While the funeral had been with dignity and as doubtfully beautiful as a funeral can be, the aftermath left Ominis in a dark void of grief and loneliness. He had his doubts whether he would be able to adapt, considering that he entirely failed to adapt to Sebastian’s absence, but eventually, after weeks, he began to get his life back in order. He had left Feldcroft, returning regularly to care for Anne’s grave.
Ominis started to write unsent letters to Sebastian again. He wrote about Anne’s funeral at first, he shared news regarding his personal life, talked about lovers he had and relationships he tried and failed. Eventually, the pain of loss subsided. It flamed up occasionally, but it was bearable for the most. Still, Ominis wondered whether he would ever experience true happiness and fulfillment again.
Anne had never left his mind; her memory was ever-present in Ominis’ mind, and he kept it close to his heart. Just like he did with Sebastian’s.
Dear Sebastian,
Today was the first day of my new position at the Department of magical law enforcement. I guess I can be considered a true and actual auror now. My father is fuming, as you can imagine, but that is much to my delight. I wish I knew what you are up to these days. There’s not a single day that goes by without me wondering how and where you are, what your life has been like and if you think about me as often as I do about you .
Isn’t it pathetic that I still miss you? One would think that after seven years, I would finally be able to move on. Believe me, I am very much aware of how ridiculous that sounds, and I have no idea where I went wrong to end up like this. I certainly wish that it was different. Constantly thinking about the boy who became a murderer and then broke your heart doesn’t exactly make life easy, but I can’t help it.
I miss you, Sebastian, I miss you terribly and it breaks me. I don’t even know what I would do or say if I ever met you again, no matter how many times I have fantasized about this. I don’t even think that such an encounter would make me feel any better – it would probably do the exact opposite.
Well, what can I do? I guess that the body listens to the soul’s desires and that the mind follows what the spirit seeks. I need your tenderness, your touch, and the sound of your voice; all those things you once gave to me so willingly. Sometimes, I catch myself dreaming of just one caress from you. What I would give to experience this just one more time. I say ‘just once’ knowing too well that that would not nearly be enough.
I feel like my words have stopped making sense long ago. It seems like every letter I have written recently is nothing but me wailing about how much I miss you.
Pathetic, as I said earlier, even more so considering that I am writing this for no one but myself. Quite useless, isn’t it?
Maybe I am finally going insane, who knows? I surely don’t.
I miss you, Sebastian, terribly.
Yours,
- Ominis
Shortly after that, Ominis letters became short and seldom. There was nothing much to write about, and Ominis saw no point in writing about his work or in pouring his heart out about how much he missed Sebastian for what felt the hundredth time. No one read those letters anyway, and still every time Ominis wrote as if Sebastian would read them eventual, and as if he was waiting for the response that never came.
Ominis himself had never read a letter again after he had written it.
Dear Sebastian,
I miss you. I can’t deny that I still love you, and I can’t deny that I want nothing more than to have you back in my life, no matter how ridiculous that seems. I want everything the way it used to be. I can confidently admit it now.
I love you. So much.
Please come back to me.
Yours forever,
- Ominis
The last letter was written a year ago. It had been a particularly sleepless night, joined by too much wine, a pounding headache and an even more pained heart. It would have been their tenth anniversary that night. That is, if Sebastian hadn’t torn down everything they could have had with the most powerful blasting curse. Ominis had been in a particularly bad state that night, wondering if they would have been married by now, sharing a home with the life he had always dreamed of when they were still young.
Ominis had stopped writing letters after the breakdown from that night.
Yes, Sebastian Sallow was nothing more than a will-o’-the-wisp in his life, coming without a warning and then disappearing in the hazy mist of his mind just as swiftly. While Ominis was here, settled in a more or less decent life, a significant part of it was missing and it was somewhere in this world with an unknown location.
On lonely nights, Ominis just wished that Sebastian would come closer. All he wanted was his life the way it used to be. He didn’t know what was left of the love they once had, or if anything was left at all on Sebastian’s side, but then again, who would even care aside from himself.
Yes, so many years have passed, but Ominis would still meet him anywhere. Occasionally, he remembered the time they used to share. The days of sun when their lives were just beginning, years ago, when everything was still possible, when the world was their oyster and when they felt like they could do and achieve anything. Ominis remembered their first kiss; some late autumn evening under the moon by the Black Lake. It was there and then that he had first tasted and felt Sebastian. It was mesmerizing and addicting.
Yes, back then, Ominis was naïve enough to think that their love would last, that Sebastian’s countless statements and proclamations of ‘I love you’ and ‘you are the one’ were a promise set in stone, only to find out that that stone had cracks in it.
Yes, Ominis could survive with only memories if he could change the way he felt. But he couldn’t and he wanted so much more. A human touch to make them real, to make them resurface in full bloom and to fire up that dying flame inside of him.
It was all not enough. He wanted nothing more than to leave everything behind, rewind time and try everything again.
Ominis didn’t know what remained in time that didn’t fade away, and whatever the answer might be, it wasn’t enough.
He wanted it the way it used to be.