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Dan could never seem to get away from Jonah. No matter where he turned at work, he was there. If Dan took a trip to China, he was sure Jonah would somehow be around the corner, just as annoying on another side of the planet. Jonah was even, apparently, showing up at a wedding he wasn’t invited to.
“Coming through! I got a jet here that could cut a fucking diamond!” Dan finished washing his hands, watching through the mirror as the giant freak ran to the urinal.
“What the hell are you doing here? You weren’t invited. Unless you’re the worst man.” He knew because he’d asked Mike two weeks earlier. The redheaded moron had laughed at the question, but didn’t think anything of why Dan was asking.
“No, I live down the street from Pam Kendall. Her car broke down, so I gave her a lift.” Dan dried off his hands and contemplated when they got to know each other so well that he was totally comfortable having a conversation with the other man while he urinated.
“‘Pentagon Pam?’ She give you any hint on the Maddox announcement?”
“Nah, she didn’t give me anything. Except for flirty glances!” At this, Jonah looked back at him and grinned. Dan ignored this, and reached for the iPad tucked between Jonah’s arm and his side.
“Mm, what’s that stubby thing you got there? ‘WestWingMan.net’? Never heard of this.”
“Come on, man, you’re embarrassing yourself.” Jonah hit the handle on the urinal and reached to zip his pants back up. “That’s the hottest gossip site in DC.” He leaned against the doorframe, looming over Dan as the smaller man looked through his device.
“Yeah? ‘Lifting the league on the Interagency Softball League’? ‘Face to Face With America’s Wind Tycoons.’ Wow. This is some seriously butterknife dull shit, man.” Dan punctuated each of his sentences by looking up and laughing at Jonah.
“No, no, no. Underneath, that’s grit legit.”
“So what’s West Wing Man got on the Maddox thing?” Dan moved a little closer to Jonah, trying to see if the loser offered literally anything of use.
“Nothing yet. But he will. If it ain’t on WestWingMan, it ain’t nothing, man.” Jonah ended his sentence in a smug singsong, obviously unaware of the information he’d just given away. Jesus, he was fucking stupid.
A smile grew across Dan’s face. “It’s you, isn’t it?” He stuck his finger in Jonah’s face.
“Who told you that?” Even if he hadn’t been so obvious with his secret, the long pause before he spoke gave it away.
“You just did, you dummy!”
“FUCK! God! Keep that under your hat!” Dan couldn’t help but laugh at Jonah’s idiocy, craning his neck to make sure the cloud botherer fully processed how stupid Dan thought he was.
“Yeah, sure,” he said sarcastically, still smiling.
“That’s just between you and me!”
“Uh, huh.”
“Now, if you will excuse me...” Jonah reached out and pulled on the lapel of Dan’s suit, straightening him out and trying to regain the upper hand. In the back of his mind, Dan thought He still hasn’t washed his hands. He’s such a fucking child.
Jonah continued. “I am at a wedding, and women at a wedding are like ripe fruit ready to drop, and I am a sex wasp.” At the end of his proclamation, he reached out and messed with Dan’s suit again. Moderately amused by the contact, Dan just smiled up at him and rolled his eyes.
As Jonah walked away, Dan said “Gonna wash those paws, huh, big guy?” For whatever reason, Dan could never stop that specific nickname from slipping out. He knew it probably revealed too much about the one thing he found attractive in Jonah, but he used it frequently despite himself.
“Are you kidding? My pheromones make bitches moan. I’m gonna leave a trail right back to my apartment.” Jonah shrugged as he spoke, and turned around to leave. Dan, bewildered and slightly turned on, stared at him incredulously, and followed him out to the party.
——
As far as weddings went, Mike’s was pretty uneventful. His vows were full of lame jokes, and nobody was sticking to his and Wendy’s “no phones allowed” rule. What had they expected?
Mike got all of the coworkers lined up for a picture after the ceremony, but, to Dan’s amusement, refused to include Jonah. As soon as they were all positioned and ready to say “cheese,” Amy pulled a phone out of her underwear (seriously?) and gave the news they’d all been waiting for all day: Maddox had resigned as the Secretary of Defense.
Immediately, Amy’s announcement wreaked havoc on the party. Mike granted them all permission to check their phones, and the whole group fumbled over each other to grab them. As the staffers panicked, Jonah took a photo of them all on his iPad, muttering under his breath, “Boom! And upload the money shot…”
Dan couldn’t believe what he just heard. “Did you just post that?”
“I run a gossiptainment site, and this is very gossiptaining!” Dan was so irritated, he had to hold himself back from punching the twelve-foot asshole in the mouth.
Luckily, his wit saved the day, just like always. Not half an hour later, he approached Jonah at the reception, ready to rain on his parade. Honestly, Jonah should’ve been thankful; he had been unsuccessfully flirting with two girls at the same time.
“Hey, Hepatitis J.” Jonah turned to him, irritated at the interruption. “How’s that pic you posted on your blog doing, huh?”
“It’s a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits!” Jesus, Jonah was so fucking weird.
“You don’t think maybe you should take that down?”
“You don’t think you should go fist a chimp?”
“Well, it’s just that you showing us panicking makes it seem like the Maddox resignation is somehow significant to us.”
“Mhm.” Jonah nodded and raised his glass of wine to his lips, keeping eye contact. He was genuinely dumber than he looked. Dan couldn’t help but think of Catherine’s afterparty, remembering how long it had taken Jonah to understand the very simple joke he’d made. He really had to spell out everything for him.
“Yeah, because he’d be a big rival for Selina...”
“Ooh.”
Dan could feel his eyes getting wider. How was Jonah possibly this stupid? “… who wants to run for president…?”
“Yeah, yup. Mhm.” Jonah just blinked his big dumb eyes at Dan, still not comprehending what he was saying.
“Because the President of the United States is not going to run again?”
“So?” This was the most infuriating conversation Dan had ever had.
“So the president has not yet announced that he’s not gonna run again.”
Finally, Jonah seemed to understand. He nodded his head, and fear flooded his whole face. After a pause, he said “Well that’s no problem, I’ll just take it down.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just make sure you do that before Google caches it, because once that happens, it’s on there till the end of the world, which will also probably be your fault.”
“What’s Google’s number?” Jonah was so dim, all Dan could do to keep from hitting him was widen his eyes and shrug.
“I don’t know, ask Jeeves.”
“Do you know anybody at the NSA? DOES ANYBODY KNOW ANYBODY AT THE NSA?” Panic filled Jonah’s voice. Dan was glad it seemed like the severity of the situation was catching up to him. He followed Jonah through the room, asking “Anyone at the NSA?”
——
Dan decided not to stay at the wedding much longer. He had work to do, and couldn’t afford to be lazy if he ever wanted Selina to choose him for campaign manager over Amy. Amy was never lazy. In fact, she had called him, clearly irritated at his leaving.
“Dan, did you go running back to the White House?” She somehow sounded tenser over the phone than in person.
“What can I say, reception’s a little spotty at the center of the universe.” As he finished his sentence, Dan could hear Kent yelling at Mr. West Wing Man. All of a sudden, he couldn’t bother with Amy any more. “I’m gonna have to call you back. Something truly wonderful has happened.”
Jonah stood up defensively, already panicked at what he knew was coming.
“One, you were running a news blog while working in office.” Kent was furious. This was amazing.
“It was gossiptainment!”
“Two, you posted a photo which roused the suspicions of the press. It has been forwarded to every hack in DC.”
“Okay, well that wasn’t me. And I deleted it!” This had to be the dumbest day Dan had seen from Jonah yet.
“Which made it even worse!” At this, Kent raised his normally calm, level voice to a yell. “The fact is that your post has made it impossible to sit on the POTUS secret any longer, so as a direct result of your actions, the President of the United States is bringing forward the announcement to today that he is not running for re-election!” The older man’s voice was dripping with condescension. For some reason, him disliking Dan seemed less hurtful knowing he now liked Jonah even less.
Furthermore, Dan was pleased that his trick had worked. He had hoped that Jonah was more relevant than previously credited, so that the press would draw that exact conclusion from his stupid blog post. Selina had to take note of this!
As Dan mentally patted himself on the back, Kent continued yelling for Jonah’s removal. The newly unemployed liaison begged for reconsideration, as if Kent had any mercy in his soul available for Jonah Ryan and his blunders.
“I’m sorry, I think you might be overreacting to this.” The security guards grabbed Jonah like he was a threat to national security. Dan stood in the doorframe, overjoyed at how this day had turned out. And to think he had considered skipping out on the wedding that morning!
“Sir, please, don’t take this away from me! The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice versa! Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think—“
“You’re embarrassing yourself.” Kent had absolutely no sympathy at all for Jonah. Good.
“Sir, I don’t have anything else in my life.” This was where Dan decided to make his presence known. He figured it would bother Jonah to know he had heard such a pathetic admission.
“He really doesn’t.”
Jonah spun around. “See! Exactly! Thank you Dan— FUCK YOU, DAN!” So worth it.
“That’ll be all, Mr. Ryan.” Unimpressed, Kent turned around to leave.
“Sir, did POTUS okay this?”
“GET HIM OUT OF HERE!” This had to be the angriest Dan had ever seen Kent, even when Selina threw lipstick at his eye.
——
As Jonah attempted to exit the building with his box of personal effects, various White House staffers left their offices to get one last insult in. Dan really had hated him before it was even fashionable.
Arrogant as always, Jonah stopped every few feet to insult the hecklers back. Dan followed him like a shadow, iPad raised to cover his huge grin as he recorded the humiliating scene.
“You think you’ve seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven’t even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I’m leaving here with my head held high and my nuts hanging low on your mom’s chin, Martin.”
“You got your porn stash there!” A staffer knocked Jonah’s box to the ground, forcing him to fall down and collect his belongings yet again. Dan cheered along and knelt down to the floor with him.
“Any last words?”
“Fuck you—“ As Jonah started to insult him, someone walked between the two men, interrupting Dan’s video. This had to be the funniest day Dan had had since he started working for the vice president.
Jonah picked himself up and still somehow had the confidence to boast about himself to the crowd. “I’ll be back. I’m gonna be back as the fucking president. That’s Jonah Ryan, 2026!” Really, how many times today had Dan mentally commented on his exceptional stupidity?
“That’s a midterms year, Jonah!”
“WELL THEN I’LL CHANGE IT!” With that, Jonah left the building, Dan recording his every step as he went.
——
Dan was proud of himself. He had accomplished two things he knew Selina was desperate for: he got POTUS to announce that he was leaving so that she could announce her candidacy, and he was the trigger behind Jonah Ryan’s removal from her life. He couldn’t stop himself from calling her.
“Hey, Dan.”
“Ma’am! Uh, yes, the Maddox statement.”
“Yeah, I know. POTUS is about to make a statement. Ben just told me.” Why did she not sound pleased? Why was she so fucking impossible to please?
“Oh. Well, did he tell you that it was because a lot of people saw a post that Jonah made that I forwarded?”
“What? You did this?” Now they were getting somewhere.
“Well, I don’t like to toot my own horn, but…” Dan made a small trumpet noise. ”Yes, yes I did, and just like that, Jonah is gone forever!” If this placed him above Amy in Selina’s eyes, his day was absolutely a success.
“Well, all my orgasms have come at once.” It was an uncomfortably sexual comment for his boss to make, but it obviously meant that she was pleased with him.
“That’s fantastic.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Um… now listen, ma’am, I-I-I, I wanted to ask you…”
“Yeah?”
“Would you do me the honor of making me your campaign manager?” Dan smiled in anticipation. He knew she had no choice but to say yes.
“Oh, I’ve got to go. Thank you, Dan.” Or maybe not. She hung up before he could say anything else, ready to forget about him and consider her other options.
He stared dejectedly at his phone. If that didn’t get him what he wanted, nothing would. This was the hardest job he had ever worked. Sighing, he pulled out his iPad and opened his camera roll. He had a brand new video that he knew would cheer him up.