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Hindi naman talaga siya seloso. Kahit kailan, hindi nila ipinaramdam sa isa't isa na may kailangang pagselosan. Ganyan sila kasigurado ni Han sa relasyon nilang dalawa. Isa kasi ‘yan sa kumabaga, non-negotiables nila. Ang pag-usapan kung ano man ang nararamdaman nila. Kilig man yan, saya, lungkot, tampo. Batak sila sa assurance. Ganyan silang dalawa.
Pero itong nararamdaman ni Cholo ngayon ang isa sa pinakatatago niyang emosyon.
Hindi na dapat niya maramdaman ‘to, kasi napag-usapan na nila ‘tong dalawa ni Han. Pero hindi niya maiwasan. Hindi mawaglit sa isip niya na hanggang ngayon, makukwestiyon pa rin na ang isang tulad niya ay nagmamahal sa isang tulad ni Han.
It was Javier Yoon's birthday party. Clad in an expensive suit his boyfriend bought for him, Cholo entered the Yoon mansion with Han on his side. Hawak hawak ni Han ang kamay niya at sinimulan siyang ipakilala sa mga kaibigan ng daddy nito.
He was not used to this. Cholo has never attended these kinds of gatherings. Sinasama lang naman siya ni Han kapag may outreach program ang mommy nito sa mga ampunan. Kapag ganoon ay pumapayag siya agad dahil gusto niya rin namang makatulong at ginagawa nila ito noon ng nanay niya. But this kind of party? Never. Hindi lang niya talaga matanggihan ang daddy ni Han dahil ito ang personal na nag-imbita sa kanya.
The Yoons have never made him feel inferior. Kung ano ang trato ng mga ito sa nag-iisang anak ay ganoon rin ang trato ng mga ito sa kanya. He is thankful for them, to be honest. Bibihira lang ang mga mayayaman na hindi minamata ang mga katulad nilang nasa laylayan. Maswerte siya dahil katulad ni Han, mahal rin siya ng mga magulang nito.
It was an intimate dinner party. The Yoons have always been lowkey when it comes to societal parties. Kahit isa sila sa pinakamayamang pamilya sa bansa, they have never flaunted it with lavish parties. They keep the guest list limited to a few people they completely trust.
But there will always be some rotten mangoes in a basket full of good ones.
“Tito, Happy Birthday po,” bati ni Cholo sa daddy ni Han pagkatapos niyang magmano rito. Bumaling siya kay Adriana Yoon na nasa tabi nito at saka nagmano. “Tita, Magandang gabi po.”
“You look good, anak. Did Han choose the suit for you?” tanong ng ginang sa kanya.
“Opo, tita. Medyo naninibago nga po ako, hindi po kasi ako sanay na magsuot nito,” nahihiyang sagot ni Cholo. Sa tanang buhay niya, ito pa lang ang pangalawang beses na nagsuot siya ng ganito.
“Thank you for coming, anak,” Javier Yoon tapped him on his shoulders and smiled. “Enjoy the rest of the night, okay? Nasaan nga pala si Jeonghan?”
“Ah, may kausap po siya, Tito. Iyong mga kaibigan ninyo po ata.”
Napalingon siya nang maramdaman ang mga brasong yumakap sa bewang niya. There goes the love of his life, clad in a pink suit with a smile so bright he just felt his insides melt.
Sobrang ganda mo, mahal ko.
“Hi Babe,” sabi ni Han sa kanya pagkatapos siyang bigyan ng halik sa pisngi. Jeonghan draped his arm around his and intertwined their fingers together. “Sorry, I got caught up with the Tuazons. They’re here pala, Dad? I thought hindi sila makakapunta?”
“They RSVP-ed last minute, anak. But it’s only your Tita Amelia and Tito George,” sagot ni Javier. Cholo was just listening to them. His hands were a bit shaky, but Han was still holding them and drawing circles on his palm, making him sure that everything’s okay.
“Mauuna na muna kami sa inyong dalawa, mga anak. Kumain na muna kayo,” Adriana then kissed their cheeks. “You enjoy yourself, Cholo ha? You look tensed. Are you okay?”
“Okay lang po ako, tita. Sige po, kami na po bahala ni Han.”
Naiwan sila ni Han sa sala habang naglalakad palayo ang mag-asawa. Hinila naman siya ni Han sa dining area para doon kumain. His boyfriend must have felt his uneasiness earlier kaya doon siya hinila nito, away from the crowd.
“Babe, are you okay?” Jeonghan asked. “You look pale kanina pa. Are you hungry? Magpapakuha ako ng dinner natin—“
“Wala lang ‘to, bebi. Ayos lang ako.”
“Sure ka? Please tell me if something’s wrong. I know you, Cholo. You sometimes keep things from me just because you don’t want me worried.”
Bahagyang ngumiti si Cholo sa kasintahan, sabay pisil sa mga kamay nito. “Mahal kita,” ang tanging nasabi na lang niya. “Mahal na mahal kita, Han.”
“And I do too, always. Please don’t shut me out, my love.”
Cholo traced his fingers over the line of Jeonghan’s jaw and pulled him tight to his chest. He wanted to kiss his lover now more than ever, amidst the chaos happening inside his head. He wanted the negative thoughts to die down, and this is what he can think of to erase them. And now that it was happening, he wanted to savor the moment. Han’s lips parted as he traced the younger’s lips using his thumb, and Jeonghan combed his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. Tingles washed down his back as he closed the gap between their mouths, first with utmost gentleness, then with hunger of a starved man. Jeonghan made a delicious little sound and responded with the same hunger, sparking a little fire in his belly.
He didn’t want to stop, but he had to. He pressed their foreheads together as he parted his lips with Han’s, whose cheeks are now burning red.
“Namumula ka na, mahal,” he chuckled. Pinalo lamang siya ng mahina ni Han sa kaliwang braso. Nakangisi niyang inasar ito. “Ituloy natin sa kwarto mo?”
“Stop it, later na lang when the party ends. You’ll sleep here naman, right?”
“Uy, di siya tumanggi—aray ko bebi ang sakit!” sabi na lang niya pagkatapos siyang kurutin ni Han sa tagiliran. “Grabe naman ‘yang kamay mo, bebi. Parang tinodo mo yung kurot ah? May galit ka ba sa’kin?”
“Serves you right because you’re a horndog.”
“Hindi na nga eh.”
The cold breeze of the nightly wind gushed over them as their dinner was served. Habang inaabot ito ng waiter ay napansin ni Cholo na halos pareho sila ng suot. Bahagya siyang natawa sa nakita, bagay na nakaagaw ng atensyon ni Jeonghan.
“What’s wrong?”
“Parehas kami ng suot ni kuya oh, bebi.”
“Babe!” Han squealed as they both laugh at his remarks. “Hindi naman kaya super parehas, small similarities lang!”
“Ayos lang ‘yan, bebi. Maganda naman tong kinuha mo para sa akin, pero papalabhan ko na lang bago ko ibalik ha?”
“No need na, babe. Leave it here na lang then we’ll take care of it.”
“Ako na, bebi. Ikaw na nga bumili nitong damit eh.”
“No buts, Cholo. Let us take care of it. No need to worry about it na, my love.”
“Okay sige na nga. Hindi na ako aalma.”
“Ayan, good. Basta you’ll sleep here later ha? I think Dad wants to tell you something but for tomorrow na lang.”
“May idea ka ba kung tungkol saan?”
“I think he’s gonna open a car shop? Something like that. He wants your opinion about it daw, I think.”
Naputol ang pag-uusap nila nang tawagin si Han ng yaya nito. Pinapatawag pala ito ng mga magulang para ipakilala sa isang business associate.
“Do you want to go with me?” Han asked him before leaving.
“Hindi na, mahal. Maiwan na lang muna ako. Hihintayin na lang kita bumalik,” he answered. “Ayos lang ako dito, Han. Sige na, punta ka na kina tito baka hinihintay ka na.”
Cholo's eyes softened as the younger stood up. Not wanting to worry him more just because he’s being left behind, he gripped Jeonghan’s hands tightly, bringing them to his lips and kissing his knuckles. Cholo felt Han’s lips as the younger pressed a kiss on his temple.
“I’ll be back, my love.”
Itinuloy ni Cholo ang pagkain. Hindi rin naman siya pinapabayaan ng mga kasambahay ng mga Yoon dahil kahit papaano ay nakikipagkwentuhan ito sa kanya. Kahit sa mga ito ay close na close siya, lalo na sa driver nila na si Mang Jaime. Madalas niya kasi itong kakuwentuhan tungkol sa mga sasakyan. Kapag ipinapadala ni Javier ang mga sasakyan sa talyer nina Cholo para ipagawa ay si Mang Jaime ang nagdadala nito.
Napagpasyahan niyang tumambay na lang sa labas habang hinihintay si Han pagkatapos niyang kumain. Itetext na lang niya ito na sa likod bahay siya maghihintay at makikipagkwentuhan muna kay Mang Jaime. Bilang nasanay na nagliligpit ng pinagkainan, sinimulan niya na itong ayusin para dalhin sana sa likod nang may marinig siya.
“Hey, can you get me a glass of water?”
Madaling makaalala ng mukha si Cholo. Kahit isang beses pa lang niyang makita ay maaalala niya ang mukha nito, kasunod ang pangalan. Itong babae sa harap niya ay hindi niya kilala. Hindi ito kasama sa mga ipinakilala sa kanya ni Han kanina nang magsimula ang party.
“Waiter? Water please?”
Lalong kumunot ang noo niya. Napatingin tuloy siya sa damit nang maalala ang pinag-uusapan nila ni Han kanina.
“Didn’t you hear me? Yung water?”
“Ah, ano po kasi...”
“Can’t you understand English? Fine, tatagalugin ko na lang. Ikuha mo nga ako ng tubig. Nauuhaw na kasi ako.”
Lalo lang naestatwa si Cholo sa narinig. Hindi siya tanga. Hindi rin naman siya bobo. Pero parang kusang tumigil lahat ng pandama niya sa katawan sa mga narinig niya. Hindi niya halos maigalaw ang mga kamay at paa niya. Para lang siyang nakatayo at nakatingin sa kawalan.
“My god. Waiters right now are all stupid. Simple instruction lang but hindi pa magawa,” then the woman walked away.
Cholo has never felt more humiliated in his life. Hindi niya inaasahan na mangyayari ito ngayon, of all days. Ngayon niya napatunayan na maswerte lang siya sa pamilya ni Han. Pero sa labas ng masayang pamilya ng kasintahan ay ang madilim na katotohanang hindi pa rin siya nababagay na mapabilang sa mga ito.
And with a heavy heart, Cholo rushed to go outside, leaving the world he knows he will never fit in.
“It was nice to meet you again, Mr. Gonzales. I expect to see you again for your fitting?”
“Of course, Han. I’ll let my secretary inform you of the final date.”
Han was a bit tired already as he finished his conversation with Alistair Gonzales, one of his dad’s business associates. All he wants to do now is to lie on his bed and cuddle with Cholo. He excused himself to his parents and the other guests to inform them that’s he’s going back inside.
Habang naglalakad ay may narinig siyang nag-uusap sa may entry hallway. Both women are talking with their champagne glass on hand, laughing.
“That waiter seems so stupid. I think he can’t speak or understand English? I don’t know. He seems cute pa naman.”
“What waiter? Saan mo nakita? There’s no cute waiter there outside when the food was served.”
Lumapit pa si Han para mas marinig ang nag-uusap. He knows that eavesdropping is not okay, but he feels something different on where this conversation is going.
“I was asking for a glass of water at the dining room, there was someone cleaning up the dishes at the table kaya I asked.”
Narinig pa lang ni Han ang dining room ay halos mahigit ni Han ang hininga. He knew who they were talking about. He left his boyfriend at the dining room alone.
He was feeling nothing but anger for these people. Kahit kailan ay hindi tama ang mangtapak ng kapwa. He was glad to be raised on a fun, loving and respectful environment and he knows that whatever status in life, a person should be respected equally. Hindi kailanman kusang ibinibigay ang respeto dahil para kay Han, ito ay pinaghihirapan.
And these women? Nothing but classless acts who can't even give an ounce of respect.
"Why are you here?" Han can't even help but butt in. "The party's outside. Why don't you go out?"
"I'm sorry, Jeonghan. We were just talking—"
"Yeah, get out of my house," he answered the girl in red. He knew this was the one asking for that damn water she can't even get herself. "Get the fuck out of my house."
"What are you saying?"
"What? Are you dumb? You can't understand English? Sige, tatagalugin ko para sayo. Umalis ka sa bahay ko," Han is now seething with anger, his fists now clenched as he continue talking. "Umalis ka sa pamamahay ko at siguraduhin mong hinding hindi ko na makikita ang pagmumukha mo."
Jeonghan saw that sly smile on the woman's lips which made him more furious. "I don't even know what you're saying, Jeonghan. We were just talking here and—"
"Yeah, you were talking about how you disrespected my boyfriend at the dining room earlier, is that it?"
The woman in red was flustered, shocked about what she heard. Han knew it, even if this woman doesn't know that Cholo is his boyfriend, no person should be disrespected that way.
"Jeonghan I'm sorry—"
"No, get the fuck out of my house and don't ever show your face to me again. Now you're saying sorry? No. Get out. Get the fuck out!"
That was the first time he shouted that way his entire life at mukhang natakot pa nga ang dalawang babae. Nagmamadali itong tumakbo palabas, leaving him alone.
He felt his insides churn. He was hurting for Cholo. His beloved Cholo, who doesn't deserve any ounce of disrespect he received earlier. He was hurting for the man he loves.
Han knew about Cholo's insecurities. Alam niya ang lahat ng ito, umpisa pa lang. Naiintindihan naman niya ang kasintahan. It was never easy for him to blend in. Han never asked him to, but he is always grateful that Cholo tries to for him. Alam niyang mahirap dahil aminin man natin o hindi ay hindi madali ang sitwasyon nilang dalawa. They always try to compromise though, but there will be tough times. Just like today.
Nagmamadali niyang hinanap si Cholo. He looked for him everywhere. Sa mga kwarto sa taas, sa entertainment room, wala rin ito sa dining room kung saan niya ito iniwan. Han went back outside to check if Cholo was there, but he wasn't.
He tried calling Cholo but it was unavailable. He's getting worried every second, afraid that Cholo might leave him alone.
Please don't leave me, my love...
His mom must have noticed him looking restless kaya nilapitan siya nito.
"Anak, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" his mother asked. The mere question made his knees tremble, his eyes now watered. Hinila nito ang isang upuan para makaupo siya. His breathing got heavy, causing his mom to panic at tinawag ang daddy niya.
"Anak, please talk to mommy," his mom pleaded. "What happened?"
"I need to find Cholo, Mom... I need to find him..."
"Wasn't he with you earlier?"
"I was talking to Mr. Gonzales kanina, Mom," he answered after drinking a glass of water his mom gave him. "Pabalik na dapat ako sa dining room where I left him, when I heard two women talking about him. One of him called him a waiter, Mom. I got hurt not for me but for Cholo. Mom... he doesn't deserve that."
"Oh my... Just wait here, I'll let the angels look for him."
"No, Mom. I'll look for him. Gusto kong ako ang makakita sa kanya. I need to see him myself."
"Will you be fine, anak?" his mother asked, worried about her only son.
"I will, Mom. Just please let Dad know. We'll go back na lang kina Cholo for the night if it's okay with you."
"It's okay, anak. I'll let your Dad know. And please let Cholo know that we're very sorry it happened."
"It's not your fault, Mom. But please let me know their names. I'll check the CCTVs and send you the picture. I'll have them banned sa Yoon Industries."
"Anak..."
"No one can disrepect any of my family, especially the man I love, and gets away with it."
His mom cupped his cheeks and smiled proudly.
"I know I never raised you as someone who doesn't back down. We'll take care of it, anak. Go find your man."
Han knew that Cholo was not inside the house. Kaya naman pumunta siya sa pool house, where they spent most of their time together kapag nandoon sila sa mansyon. They spent most of their days together in the pool house, where all four corners have witnessed their love for each other.
And he was right.
He saw Cholo sitting by the pool. His suit was now draped over the chair, his sleeves rolled up until his elbow. His slacks rolled up until his knees as his feet were dipped on the water. He was quietly rocking his feet on the water, making small splashes around.
Lalo lang siyang napaluha nang makita si Cholo. Hindi niya alam pero nahihiya siyang humarap dito ngayon. Napaupo siya at mahinang umiyak, his cries now mumbled as he silently grasp for air. Nasa ganoong posisyon siya nang mapansin ni Cholo.
“Bebi?”
Nakita niyang napabalikwas si Cholo at nagsimulang tumakbo papunta sa kanya. Nagmamadali itong lumapit at niyakap siya dahil na rin sa itsura niya. He was having difficulty in breathing, close to having a panic attack, because he can’t stop crying.
Cholo cupped his face and started the breathing exercises they learned together for him.
“Bebi, hinga. Sabayan mo ko. 1… 2… 3…”
He tried to mimic him but it wasn’t easy. Mas lalo lang nanikip ang dibdib niya sa ipinapakita nito. Naramdaman na lamang niya na binubuhat siya ni Cholo papunta sa pool house. Iniupo siya nito sa mahabang sofa at saka iniwan siya saglit para kumuha ng tubig sa ref na naroon. Pagbalik nito ay ipinainom sa kanya agad nito ang tubig.
It was after a few moments when he regained composure. Hawak hawak lang ni Cholo ang kamay niya, drawing small circles on his palm, while his arms draped around his waist. Nakasiksik lang siya sa dibdib ni Cholo, never wanting to let go.
“Kapag ayos na pakiramdam mo, at kapag ayos ka na magkwento, makikinig ako bebi.”
“Babe…”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry…”
He felt him stiffen, the circles drawn on his palm were halted. Jeonghan was sure that Cholo knows what he was talking about.
“I’m sorry, my love… I’m sorry…”
“Hindi mo naman kailangang humingi ng tawad, Han.”
“Pero nasaktan ka because of me.”
“Ikaw ba yung direktang nanakit sa’kin?”
Natigilan siya sa sinabi ni Cholo.
“Hindi naman di ba? Kaya bakit ka magsosorry sa’kin?”
Han looked up and saw Cholo smiling at him. Not even an ounce of blame laced on his fiancé’s voice. How can someone even disrespect a sweet, kind and loving person as him?
“Ano’t ano man, ako dapat ang humingi ng tawad. Naging mahina ako kanina, mahal. Hindi ko man lang naipagtanggol yung sarili ko. Hindi ko man lang naitama yung maling sinabi niya.. kasi tumagos eh. Kahit papaano, tumagos lahat ng sinabi niya sa akin.”
“Babe…”
“Patawad kung naging mahina ako, Han. Patawad kasi nilamon na naman ako ng mga iniisip ko. Patawad kasi sumagi na naman sa isip ko na lumayo—”
“Cholo please no… please don’t ever think of leaving me I swear to God—”
“Aalis na dapat ako para umuwi. Kasi sa totoo lang? Nahihirapan akong huminga. Nasasakal ako, Han. Alam mong hindi ito ang mundong ginagalawan ko. Pero para sa’yo, gagawin ko, papasukin ko. Kasi alam kong dito ka masaya… dito ko nakikita na kumikinang ka. Ito ang mundo mo, Han. At handa naman akong yakapin ‘to… Pero nung mga oras na ‘yon bigla na lang tumigil lahat sa akin. Parang tinanggalan ako ng karapatang huminga. Kaya tumakbo ako palayo…”
Jeonghan’s tears won’t stop as he listens to Cholo. Ilang beses mang punasan ni Cholo ang mga luhang pumapatak ay hindi pa rin ito matigil. His heart is now hurting more than ever. Just the mere thought of Cholo breaking up with him devastates him the most.
“Pero hindi ko rin kinayang umalis. Kasi iniisip ko pa lang na maiiwan kita, mas lalo akong nasasaktan. Mahal na mahal kita, Han. Higit pa sa alam mo. Hindi ko rin maatim na iwan kang mag-isa, kasi alam kong malulungkot ka… at ‘yan ang pinakaayaw kong mangyari, mahal ko. Hindi ko kayang nalulungkot ka… kaya patawad kung naging mahina ako. Patawarin mo ko, Han…”
He didn’t even wait another second and pulled Cholo’s collar, pulls him in—and kisses him.
It wasn’t just a kiss. It was a declaration of love and respect they have for each other.
He was gasping for air the moment Cholo ended it, planting a soft kiss on his forehead after.
“I love you, Cholo… please always remember that,” he started, his right hand now caressing his lover’s cheek. “You don’t have to fit in to my world. I just want you to be you.”
“Pero bebi…”
“I know I have said this to you a million times. But Cholo… I have loved you… I love you… and I will always love you for being you. I love you, imperfections and all. Kasi ganyan ka din sa’kin. I am not perfect, my love. I don’t claim to be one.”
“Para sa’kin perfect ka, bebi.”
“Because you love me for me. You have never made me feel that I am not suitable enough for you kasi let’s face it, I have shortcomings too. But you always let me know and understand na tao lang din ako, nagkakamali. Pwedeng bumawi, basta hindi na uulitin yung mga mali. I should be the one thanking you kasi you accepted someone like me. Babe, let’s throw away all insecurities we have, please? I know it’s not easy, but we can do it as long as we’re together. We can do that, right?”
Tumango si Cholo sa kanya. “Para sa’yo, kakayanin ko.”
“Do it for yourself too, Babe. Above all, it should be for yourself. You are enough, my love. You are worth it. You are worthy for me, as I know I am worthy for you. Okay?”
“I love you, Jeonghan.”
“Say it again.”
“I love you so much, my love. I love you… I love you.”