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Kenji was making his way down the hill from where his friends were sleeping and to where Ben was sitting in the forest. Staying guard. By a silly tree. After weeks, They had finally found Bumpy and reunited Smoothie with her. And now everyone was getting some well deserved rest.
But, still Ben had wanted to stay up and take watch.
And Kenji, well, he just couldn’t sleep. He’s been having trouble sleeping since his dad died. He actively chooses to ignore that that’s the reason why.
He blames it on Darius’s loud snoring, the birds are too loud, the night sky is too dark. Anything but dealing with the trauma of his father’s passing. And everything after.
He had finally reached Ben. “Hey Ben. How’s it going?” Kenji quietly asked. He watched as Ben was leaning against his tree, tending to a small fire he had lit.
Ben had mentioned time and time again to the camp fam that ‘too big a fire plus too much smoke equals to bad people finding us.’ Or whatever he said. Regardless, They weren’t going to argue with Ben Pincus.
Ben jumped a bit. Startled from the sudden voice coming from the darkness. “Oh, hey Kenji! it’s oka-I mean I’m okay! I’m just glad Bumpy and Smoothie are back together and everyone is safe again.” Ben exclaimed then let out a brief sigh.
Kenji noticed it. Paying attention now, he saw how exhausted Ben was, even if he was trying to hide it. His eyes never lied. Those eye bags were brutal and the light in his eyes have dimmed. Kenji noticed stuff like that.
Ben invited Kenji over to sit. Patting the ground beside him, Kenji propped himself against the tree. Ow, how has Ben been against this for hours? Kenji thought.
Kenji needed a conversation starter. Lately, he doesn’t know why he’s been struggling with talking to Ben about some things.
Conversations between them were few and far between. Mainly they just talked about Bumpy or Smoothie. Or Smoothie and Bumpy. It was odd. Something shifted between them and Kenji wasn’t sure what.
Maybe it was him. Or his feelings towards Ben. Which had gotten more confusing by the minute after he met Ben’s girlfriend. Gia.
Don’t get him wrong! He liked Gia but, he felt like Ben deserved someone cooler. Like him. Maybe.
Speaking of Gia, that’s going to be how he starts this conversation. Yes. Kenji thought. Perfect.
“Sooo, Gia. You miss her?” Kenji asked while internally facepalming. Of course he misses his girlfriend. You idiot. Ben looked at Kenji and smiled. Although it never fully reached his eyes.
Kenji peered at Ben as he looked up into the sky, observing the stars. Their knees bumping against each others every now and then. Ben decided to speak up after a while.
“Of course I do. I think,” Ben paused. “I don’t know. I mean with all that has happened the past few weeks. Sammy and Yaz breaking up, Darius and Brooklyn being weird with each other. No offence.” Ben sheepishly looked over to Kenji.
Kenji swatted his hands around in an ‘I don’t care motion’. “N-n-no it’s all good. I’m over it. I swear!” Kenji muttered out. And truly he was. Ben chuckled softly after Kenji’s wild display of emotion.
“Anyways. I don’t know if Gia and I will last,” Ben continued. “Her nonna hardly liked me, I just feel that we’re also growing distant. Maybe she deserves better. I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone,” Kenji noticed as Ben’s lips wobbled and his voice grew tight.
“Woah. Woah. Woah. Ben. You are an amazing partner, friend, compadre, amigo. You are so important to the group. To me. Bumpy and smoothie. Gia too,” Kenji earnestly responded.
“And nonna hardly liked anyone. I still don’t understand why she liked me. Honest,” Kenji let out a soft laugh thinking of her. “Anyways Ben. You’re a great partner to Gia. You’re an amazing person in general.” Kenji finished.
Kenji was trying his hardest to get his feelings across and well as he could. Enough so, so that Ben will believe him. Even if he knows Ben never will. “Thanks Kenji. I try,” Ben had mumbled out, rather dryly.
“Although,” Kenji paused. “Sammy and I were talking and sometimes you do act weird around her. Like, you start doing pushups, exercising, acting tougher. Pulling this whole ‘macho man’ facade,” Kenji paused. Jokingly flexing his arms.
He continued. “But, why though. You never act like that with us?” Kenji nudged at Ben’s shoulders. Hoping for an answer. Or even nothing at all.
Ben glared at Kenji now, switching up the mood completely. “Oh, so I can’t act strong around my girlfriend? Is that a problem,” Ben growled out. “You’re suggesting that I’m weak?” Kenjis eyes widened at the sight of Ben’s glare. That wasn’t his intention at all.
“Not at all Benjamin! Of course you can act strong around her, because you are strong. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. We just both noticed you put up a tough front with your girlfriend when we know about the whole other side of you.” Kenji exclaimed.
“You mean my heavily traumatized, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks side,” Ben said bluntly. “Yes exactly that side,” Kenji answered honestly. Kenji scratched the back of his neck feeling very uncomfortable with Ben’s glare still.
Kenji felt very exposed under Ben’s intense staring. For the first time ever, Ben looked scary. He looked mean. And not at all the Ben he had met at Camp Cretaceous all those years ago.
“Listen man, I’m sorry it was just an observation Sammy and I had! No harm, no foul. Right?” Kenji tried defending himself. Desperately failing to do so. “Alright I’m just going to go since everything I’m saying is wrong.” Kenji moved to get up but felt a hand wrap around his wrist.
“No. Stay. I’m sorry Kenji. I’m just so,” Ben hesitated. “I’m tired. I’m really tired and everything is complicated right now. If one thing is for certain is I don’t want us to be mad at each other again. We’ve done it once and it was awful. So, I’m sorry.” Ben sputtered out.
He released his hand from around Kenjis wrist and Kenji frowned at the sudden loss of warmth.
“Alright then. I’ll stay,” Kenji said placing himself at Ben’s side again. It felt right, it felt warm. Kenji then felt a brief moment of boldness and rested his head on Ben’s left shoulder. His heartbeat raced fast. Maybe this was too bold?
Ben gasped at the feeling of sudden warmth on his shoulder but, settled into Kenji. Resting his head on Kenjis soft, silky hair. It was surprisingly soft, despite having no shampoo or conditioner when they all had taken turns bathing in the river yesterday.
The boys remained silent for a bit in the quiet of the night. They listened to the crickets chirping and the creatures in the trees rustling up above. After a while Ben had spoken up again.
“Kenji?” Asked Ben.
“Ben.” Replied Kenji.
“How are you doing? Like, really doing?” Ben listened to the silence. Patiently waiting for Kenji to answer. The silence spoke for itself.
Kenji let out a dry cough before taking a deep breath. “Um, Well, Gee. I don’t know. I’d say I’m doing great after breaking up with Brooklyn, thinking Darius betrayed me, my Dad dying, finding out Brooklyn was alive this whole time, you lying to me about it and then Soyona escaping and trying to hunt us down and kill us again,” Kenji let out a loud exhale.
“Yeah I’m not doing great Ben, I’m not feeling just peachy. I feel like crap. All the time, everywhere I go. I mentally prepare for it being my last day on earth. And I’ve accepted it. One day I’ll die, and maybe, that’s okay.” Kenjis voice shook. “Maybe then I’d finally be at peace.”
Ben’s eyes started to water when he saw Kenji was starting to tear up. He quickly wrapped his arms tight around Kenji, pulling him against his chest.
With Kenjis head tucked into the crook of his neck. He felt Kenjis heavy breathing, he felt his deep sobs and held him through it.
“Oh Kenj, I know it’s been hard. I know it has. Our camp fam has gone through too much. But, you’ve gone through hell and back and you’re still here. You’re the bravest person I know. I’m so proud of you.” Ben told Kenji. Pulling him into an even deeper embrace.
Kenji calmed down and snuggled closer into Ben. His own arms holding onto Ben like a lifeline. He’s been holding that pain for the longest time. To be comforted through it was so special to him. It felt like Gia’s Nonna again. He felt safe and loved. Then the realization hit him.
He loved Ben. Kenji loved Ben.
More than a best friend. Ben certainly wasn’t like what Darius was to him.
All these emotions swirling around inside him. Confusing him and complicating things that shouldn’t be complicated. Kenji thinks that maybe, he’s losing his mind.
Clearly Ben doesn’t and couldn’t have felt the same way, even though Kenji had a hunch that maybe, possibly Ben was into him at Camp Cretaceous years ago.
So, for him to suddenly have a girlfriend. A real one, at that, surprised everyone. Which means Sammy’s gaydar was so off. Kenji couldn’t help but chuckle at that.
“What,” Ben had interrupted his huge revelation. “What’s so funny?” Ben looked so innocent. His eyes wide and full of confusion. Kenji started giggling and his laughter came to a quick pause.
Kenjis heart was racing. His brain was a mix of emotions. His need for impulsivity was rushing in from nowhere. He needed to do something reckless, his adrenaline at an all time high needing release.
Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. I’ll die anyway. Kenji thought and in his not so well being he stared at Ben and then down to his lips. He paused. Waiting. Staring.
He listened to the fire crackling, its embers running low. He heard no sound of the creatures rustling. The tree they leaned on wasn’t even there anymore.
It was just him and Ben and nothing else.
Ben was silent. Staring back at Kenji now, his pupils were dilated. He watched as Kenji stared down to his lips and Ben, well he couldn’t help but do the same. Mimicking Kenji, he watched as his face drew closer.
Ben’s breathing was heavy and everything was on fire. Gia. Kenji. Gia. Kenji. Kenji. Kenji.
Kenji.
Kenjis hand reached to cup Ben’s jaw and he pulled his face closer to his. Their lips now barely touching, just grazing one another.
Kenji looked into Ben’s eyes and recognized a soft sparkle in them that he had seen years ago. It’s now or never. Kenji grabbed Ben’s face with both hands and kissed him.
It was a small kiss. It lasted only a few seconds but, those few seconds felt like a life time. It was simple. Maybe Kenji was dying, maybe this was his last wish.
Kenji wasn’t dying though. And Ben Pincus was right here. Kissing him back. On a stupid night against a stupid tree. In the stupid woods.
They pulled apart. Both of them breathing heavily. Ben let out a soft chuckle and ran his hand from Kenjis shoulder up to his neck. Then his eyes widened in fear. Shock?
“Um Kenj. I don’t mean to alarm you but, I think we kissed in an extreme state of vulnerability,” Ben gasped out. “And now I’m feeling weird.” Ben confesses. His chest growing tight.
Kenjis eyes widened too as he physically moved back away from Ben. “Oh.” He replied. “I got to go. That kiss was great but, I really have to go. I’m so sorry Ben. We’ll talk later today. I’m sorry.” Kenji started to run off somewhere. Across the woods, passing the camp fam.
“Kenji. Wait!” Ben cried out but, he knew better than to chase Kenji. So he slumped back against the tree, head rested against it. Contemplating everything that had just happened. It was all such a blur.
What would they even say to each other after that. Are they still going to be friends? Can they be just friends after that?
He stared into the small fire he had started. The embers. Now completely out. Ben shook his head then he rested it into his lap. and started to sob. Alone in the woods.