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“Then, put these on the wall….”
I taped up the two pictures on the wall I had painted pink beforehand, cleared out the room, turned off the lights, lit candles, and prepared the heart shaped rose quartz. Everything was accounted for according to the instructions from the occult site.
One might wonder, what am I trying to do here? Well, everything in my life was perfect… but there’s this one insecurity that I’ve been harboring for so long. After all, I, Osamu Dazai, 22, have been single since birth and dying inside that I hadn't managed to pull anyone at that age.
It was a little bit embarrassing, but I couldn’t help but be desperate for love. Among other reasons, but mostly love.
Naomi, ever trendy, shared this to Lucy and I had happened to overhear it one day.
“Not that I ever needed this though because brother can’t resist doing whatever I want, but I know you want Atsushi-kun badly! Tee-hee!” She giggles to herself while Lucy looks away, blushing. She was barely defending herself against her crush with the tiger-boy, how cute.
There was an occult site, among other supernatural stuff posted, there were also charms and spells. This is what I’m doing right now, it’s pathetic but I take whatever chances that I get. Yes, even when it’s from a shady site. If abilities are real then spells might also work, right? The site’s love spell was particularly popular among younger people these days with a high accuracy of success, according to Naomi.
Do the above steps, tape the desired person’s picture on your wall and point the heart shaped rose quartz towards your desired partner and recite a spell.
The site recommended only one person but- I placed two pictures, Chuuya’s and Kunikida’s.
(Why not? If there’s two it’ll have a chance it’ll work on at least one of them)
I ignored the self inside my head that’s screaming, pleading that both of them work. I need them both, please!
“Well. Here goes.” I made a shape of a heart around the rose quartz and pointed it at… at- “Wait, where do I point this at?”
The instructions said you should point it towards the picture, but there’s two on mine. I placed them a lil too apart too, so I can’t aim at both at the same time.
“Ah well. I’ll just point the crystal between them.”
I’m sure nothing will go wrong when I do that, right? I didn’t know at this moment, but my future self would kill me when I made that decision.
“Rimareru Rarameru Ran Rura Ran! Love me and I’ll love you please just give me a chance! Rimareru Rarameru Ran Rura Ran!”
.
.
.
My face flushed. Now that I finally did it, I just felt like an idiot. “Okay I don’t know why I considered actually doing this. I wanna kill myself, that was just embarrassing…”
The sudden moment of clarity just burned me inside with shame.
“Let’s destroy all the evidence.” I threw out everything, put a poster over the painted wall and jumped straight to bed.
(This was just something trendy younger people do anyways. It’s not like Kunikida and Chuuya would finally look at me in that light if I did this stupid thing. I’m gonna kill myself tomorrow if they don’t pay attention to me.)
With contradicting thoughts, I fell asleep. Tomorrow’s me would never be ready with what’s about to happen.
Kunikida is as beautiful as always today.
We were on patrol duty together. Of course I was late and he scolded me, but I wish he would scold me in a different sort of way if you catch my drift. Hah!
To be honest I had hoped that the spell would work, but judging by the fact that he acted as he always did. It was safe to assume it didn’t, and never would work. It was just something for fun and wasn’t actually gonna get you anywhere.
What a shame, what a shame!
At least we are together until noon. I was only half-paying attention during patrol because I couldn’t help but just look at him. Who can blame me? I mean- look at him! There was so much to admire about the taller blond man. His arms’ bulging muscles, his facecard that will never decline, his wide shoulders, the impeccable posture, and that tight pan-
“Dazai.”
“What is it? Kunikida-kuuuun~?” I responded in a sing-songy way to hide the fact that I’d been ogling at him.
“That.” He motioned with his head.
Wondering what he was referring to, I looked on ahead. Farther out was the other target of my spell, Chuuya. He doesn’t seem to be scheming something, just admiring a display in front of a store, his car parked on the sidewalk.
“Huh? How come he’s here?”
(What is this coincidence? Both targets are in the same space now!)
I suddenly had a bad feeling. “Kunikida, let him go for now. He doesn’t seem to be up for anyth- Wait! Kunikida!?”
He ignored my words and strode on over towards the mafiosi. “Hey you!”
“?” Chuuya turned towards the voice calling him out.
(Kunikida slow down- no seriously don’t!)
I tried to catch up, but Kunikida’s longer (sexy) legs gave him an advantage by the time I had caught up, the blond man had already placed a hand on Chuuya’s shoulder. I’m not sure what Kunikida was thinking, a mafioso was a mafioso! It would not do if he provoked Chuuya of all people! I don’t want him dying!
“You.” Chuuya looked offended.
(Thought so!)
I was bracing for a scuffle to happen, maybe buildings and cars thrown about, only- as soon as the shorter mafioso locked eyes with the blond detective, there was a certain ‘zing!’ that I could tell happened between the two of them. I could tell because both of them immediately flushed red to their necks. The two immediately stepped back, Kunikida even withdrew his hand away from the mafioso.
(What. Was that just now.)
“I-I’m sorry. I was gonna say you’re not allowed to loiter around and park your car in front of stores.” Kunikida timidly lied.
(Kunikida, what the heck!?)
Chuuya shifts his weight to his other leg and smirks.
(A sexy smirk?? Without intent to kill???)
“No worries. I know what you really thought. You thought that because I’m Port Mafia I’d make a mess outta this store, yeah ADA detective?”
“Ahhh…. Apologies.” Kunikida bows. “I just thought-”
“Shhhhh.” He places a finger on the blond detective's lip to silence him. “I don’t care, and no I’m not aiming to destroy anything. Not unless ya ask me to.”
Kunikida and I flushed redder. (Did he- Did he seriously just insinuate that!?)
“What do you… mean by that?” The blond man swallowed.
Chuuya simply shrugs. “I don’t know. Do ya wanna find out?” The mafioso’s eyes simply roved over from the other man’s face and further down, taking note of the tightness of the detective’s pants around his ass.
(Chuuya is checking him out too!? This has gone on too far- Too far- that was mine-! You- You no good man-stealing manwhore!! Well- I think you’re sexy too but this one is mine. Surely Kunikida won’t stand for this blatant sexual harassment. At least mine I was sneaking-)
Kunikida noticed his gaze and flushed even further.
(Kunikida fell for that-!? How the heck did this happen-?! If this were normal we’d be attempting to stop Chuuya’s rage right about now, it’s as if… as if they’re. In a… love spell. Wait.)
“Hey hey hey!” I finally cut in. “Sorry you damn slug, but we’re in the middle of a patrol!”
“Oh shut up you mackerel! Lemme talk to him for a bit.”
“I don’t care!” I grabbed Kunikida’s arm and dragged him away to remove him from the scene. I received no resistance, but I could tell that Kunikida is still looking at Chuuya intently and he is doing the same.
(Ugh, enough with the goo-goo love love eyes. Focus, Kunikida!)
As we walked away from the mafioso, I was slowly realizing that I had majorly majorly fucked up. Because, how the fuck did the love spell that I intended to be between me and these two ended up with them being in horny with each other!? Seriously, how does this make sense?
This was unfair, this was unfair!! After all, it should’ve been me!
I, Dazai, 22, did not even remotely feel bad that I basically manifested their ‘love’ between them, just mad that I wasn’t included. This was supposed to be about me, so why was I not included in this love spell bullshit. Now you’re telling me that these two are now doomed to want to fuck for the rest of their lives?!
Thus began the multiple ChuuKuni incidents that I tried to stop with all my might. It might’ve been inevitable, but not on my watch.
Not until they ask me to join!